I've been there myself. In all ways, particularly the self-sentered part. I only have one word of advice... in your list of reasons for writing this, take out #3. It's counterproductive.
First off, if your blogging is an issue, you simply will not show her how important she is by blogging. Instead, shut the PC (or in your case tablet?) off and spend time with her and not with a machine.
Second off, you begin by saying you want to tell her she's important and end it with becoming defensive over your needs, not hers. Phrasing it like that causes a void between two people every time.
I'm not trying to sound critical of you. I'm just speaking from experience. But I think you hit the nail dead on with the next few sentances. Admission of your faults is the first step to improvement.
Good luck!
Good advice. Yeah, it is a problem to have different needs and life goals. Ahh, the fine art of compromise!
Robert: Sorry to hear you're having relationship trouble. My wife and I had a fairly major fight a couple of weeks ago, caused by my tendency to procrastinate. Not fun, but in my experience (married 18 years in October), the vast majority of relationship issues are not "solvable" -- you're not going to stop being who you are, no matter how much you or she would like you to. (And didn't she know who you were when she agreed to marry you?)
Best you can do is find out in as much detail as possible what she needs in order to feel happy and fulfilled. Maybe it's one night a week of your undivided attention. Or maybe it's three hours every night. Try to get her to be specific (and to put the dots close together, so you can easily connect them. 
Put in writing if you think it will help.
Here's what I do: When Cheryl gets home (usually around 6:00 p.m.), I stop working or playing on the computer, and spend the evening with her. We talk, have dinner, sometimes go out, sometimes watch TV. She usually goes to bed between 11:00 and midnight. After she goes to bed, I return to the computer and get into the "flow."
The only problem now is finding time for sex.
Y'know, I started writing this long-ass comment about how compromise is the soul of marriage, and how you should compromise (this does NOT mean stop cold turkey), but I came to the realization that it is awfully arrogant of me to give you advice about your marriage when I'm in the same boat. I can get all long-winded justifying why us geeks should be allowed to feed our addiction (you heard me, I said "addiction"), but the fact of the matter is that both we and our spouses have good points. If you both want to stay married, you'll find a way to. If you're both not committed to it, you won't. End of story and comment...
...OK, NOT end of comment! I AM arrogant (I'll write it off as a geek-thing), and I WILL give you some advice: do you live with your 17 readers, and will they stay by your side as you get older?
Andy, good question. I did compromise. We're OK, for now, but balance in life is something we always need to work at.
Just wanted to say that I deal with the same issue, but because of religious beliefs I have, it is even more of an issue. I really want my wife to know I love her, but words only go so far. At times, I am more married to the computer than to her. So, lately, I have stayed away from the computer. It has been nice to some extent, but I feel like I am falling behind in my knowledge when that happens. But instead, I have been involving myself in yard work and the like, and have found it quite therapeutic.
Hey Robert,
It got so bad for me and Rachel that one time in College she dressed my computer up as a woman -- wig, eyes, lipstick -- the whole thing.
What works for me, at least, is that I told her that if she really needs to talk, just say "Pay attention to me." I've trained myself so that if I hear those words I drop what I'm doing and pay attention to her.
Robert says
I'm somewhat socially inept.
I'm a jerk.
Egotistical.
I have to agree. In the last day it has become clear you are also mean spirited? with the blog parody.
Funny hurts? Truth hurts?
Be nice to your wife and others.
Don't let other people drag you in the mud.
Who is more important to you?
Robert - This is also your first time through this "life without a manual". Learn. Focus on the now. Also remember that things change and you will too. Otherwise Wired wouldn't have a Wired/Tired list.
ps. We can wait another half hour for your prose. Say Hey to the wife.
>Don't let other people drag you in the mud.
Good advice coming from whoever you are Leanne.
>ps. We can wait another half hour
>for your prose. Say Hey to the wife.
The wife is reading the comments along with me and says "hey" back. 
Writing a weblog is good cause we can read together.
I've had similar problems in the past, but have worked out a good compromise. In my case, the time-sink is my open source jabber client (http://exodus.jabberstudio.org). I've defined set times that I work on it and she knows those times, and understands the "flowing" state that you mention (I call it the "zone"). If I'm still hacking my project in non-defined times, I know that if something comes up, I have to drop coding, and go do stuff. If I'm coding during the scheduled times, then she knows to wait until later, etc.. Seems to work pretty good for me. It's all about boundries.
Jack and I had to learn each other's communication styles (but we were together several years *before* we got married). If I ask for what I want he's good about paying attention; I don't expect him to read my mind.
very brave writing on your part; very brave of Maryam to allow herself to be written about.
Take heart, this was something we worked out early in my last
long-term relationship, and has been a point of friction in my current
one. Us nerds need to be alone with our words, thankfully now I've got
an hour plus of ferry ride every day to provide some of that "down
time" for myself, but if I don't make sure I have some uninterrupted
undirected time regularly to futz about with some hobby, computer or
whatever, I start to get really testy. Downright nasty.
Obviously this is something that has to be negiotiated within each
relationship, and I'm still (3+ years into it) trying to work it out
in my current one, in the previous one we just agreed that when I was
in "my room" I wasn't to be interrupted unless the house was on fire,
and I needed at least an hour or so every night, but make sure that
you consistently get your time. It'll be much better for your
relationship.
(Of course that might have been a factor in the break-up, except that
we lived together for something like 8 years like that, so I don't
think so.)
On the other hand, don't let your 'blog eat up your life, and don't
let disappearing into your weblog be a crutch which lets you not deal
with issues that really should get dealt with. "I feel a fight coming
on" is not a reason to go and 'blog.
Robert...
I was going to send you a PEM but I see you're reading this thread and that others have commented, so I figured I'd offer my perspective.
You know me and my wife. We have as close to a perfect marriage as is possible, I think, and we've been married 24 years, together for 25. Like you, I'm a geek (though I think the crashing waves of the passage of time have smoothed some of my rough edges) and I'm absolutely driven to write. I won't try to gauge my social skills, which I think vary a lot depending on the setting. But I do have a lot of GOOD friends and I think that's about the second most important thing in life right after having a good marriage (or relationship).
Many, many people have suggested Carolyn and I write a book or do a seminar on what makes a great marriage. We haven't. Probably won't. We're too busy living our lives.
But in the final analysis for me (and us), this kind of conflict is good and healthy. Periodically, as we grow together, we have to re-connect at our roots so we don't grow apart. You're changing. Maryam is changing. Conflict comes out of the contrast that you see in each other. Honor it. Be with it. Don't try to kill it or stifle it because all you can ever do at best is postpone it and then it gets uglier for having been stored in the dank, dark basement of your soul.
I read your blog and I see you often writing about her, about going places with her. I know she's interested in technology, too, though she's clearly not a geek (thank Heaven!).
The key aspects of a successful marriage in my opinion are: mutual respect (absolutely essential first item), honest communication (my wife and I have a rule...never go to bed angry...makes for some long nights), and a deep-seated authentic desire to make the other person happy. See, if you want mostly to make her happy and she wants mostly to make you happy the compromises turn out to be great and joyous experiences.
FWIW from an old fart.
I'm very glad I wrote about this topic. The advice has been top-knotch.
Robert, another thing you might need to remember is that you've just uprooted yourself and Maryam. You talk to dozens of people a day. Does Maryam have that outlet?
When I moved out here, it was really hard for Donna, because she didn't have family to be with except Ael and Macinpuppy, and she didn't have a job outside the house. So, of course, she wanted me around.
Yeah, that's part of it as well. It's something I need to work on.
When I was at Microsoft I took a course in "managing interpersonal relationships", where they grade you on your social style: analytic, driver, expressive, amiable. My wife also took the course. It turned out I was analytic and she was expressive (no surprise there). This is using the four square control-emote/ask-tell model where analytics are in the control/ask corner (less emotionally responsive, less assertive) and expressives are in the emote/tell corner (more emotionally responsive, more assertive).
(Look on google for much more detail on this.)
The instructor explained that there are lots of marriages like this because the analytic sees the expressive person and is impressed by how outgoing and emotional he/she is, and the expressive sees the analytic and says "How cute, I'm going to make them like me so they can enjoy themselves more".
If you believe that people don't really ever change, it's not surprising that these marriages don't work out as planned; the two people may move a bit more towards each others styles, but they almost always stay within their basic style.
Nonetheless these marriages are often quite happy! The analytic can enjoy the secondhand emoting of the expressive without necessarily fully submerging himself/herself in it, and while the expressive may hide a slight disappointment that her husband/wife seems to be missing out on the great joy of life, the sun will still rise in the morning and there are picnics to be planned.
Anyway, all marriages are different and perhaps the greatest sin in a marriage is saying "Couple X and Y have this arrangement and how come you can't just agree to the same thing." Word/life balance, childrearing, neighborhood orgies...each marriage is unique and must be addressed as such. So there's not much advice I can offer, except:
1) If you do come to some agreement over your division between blog and real world, you may, in your analytic way, decide that this is a cut-and-dried contract which will be happily adhered to by your wife until the end of time and/or the next negotiation session. This would be a false assumption!
2) It may be tempting as an analytic to overanalyze this situation and feel that your marriage is doomed after such an argument. Luckily for you (no really, it is a good thing, ignore the siren song of your keyboard), such an assumption is also false.
So to summarize...dozen roses, box of chocolates, should be good to go.
- adam
Been there. First marage was basicially ended by a basic lack of compromise by both of us. Our interest diverged and we didn't share with each other. You have to share what excites you with your mate, but you also have to share what excites them.
I've been lurking here for quite some time, and basicially popped in today to say you care enough because you're experssing concern so you'll probably be fine.
I also wanted to say thankyou because I think I've fallen into my own self centered little world and you're posting reminded me that I do love and care about my wife and what she's about - and that I need re-focus at least a little of my energy on her. So I think you've saved me a fight!
Paul
My wife and I have been married for ten years. Generally, I avoid this by waiting until she goes to sleep to work on the computer or working while she is engaged in another activity.
We are expecting, so this is only going to get harder. I think the best advice I can give is to decide which is most important: if it's your wife and family, then will yourself to turn the computer off; if it's the computer, then you need to figure out how to break it to your wife and put her aside.
It comes down to priorities. When my baby comes, I'm just going to use my computer at my lunch hour at work or something like that. Life's too short to put your family by the wayside. Cat's in the cradle is a real danger. You may not regret it now, but you'll regret it someday when it catches up to you.
Maybe ask your wife to frankly explain her expectations. Bite your tongue and let her finish. Consider her expectations and ask if she has any suggestions for how you can accomodate both activities to her satisfaction. If she can't come up with any, make your own suggestions and ask her to think about it for awhile.
To be honest, you do blog an awful lot. Cutting it in half would still be plenty and would probably free up some of your time.
Robert,
1- Call Dave
2- Ask him about this book :
http://
scriptingnews.userland.co...#menAreFromMars
3- Read it (if you've already read it, read it again :-> )
4- End of story, peace on earth ;->
5- Send me a free tablet signed by billG.
JY.
PS : For Maryam :
1- Read the book too
2- End of story, more peace on earth
3- Remind Robert to send me a free tablet signed by billG.
:->
Heh. I don't even have one of those. I have a dollar bill from Ballmer, though.
No problem, just ask Bill and tell him it's for JY.
But do you know this book already ?
Maybe John Gray should release a new book "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, Nerds are from Pluto" :-D
And of course on Pluto they blog as hell, play WarCraft3 all day long... and use MACOSX (oops sorry, free troll ;-> )
Heh.
Yeah, I'm familiar with the book. I should read it again.
Geek = Flow. Geek is a style of introvertedly involving yourself in the pursuit of a goal. It does not have to include a computer. I knew a couple where the husband was a businessman, wife spent all the money decorating the house all laura ashley. He came home had a drink and watched the game. She never stopped matching things. Between the two, she was definitely the geek.
You might find that you're married to a geek after all, who knows. Kudos to you for taking the dynamic seriously.
Lots of good comments. It's hard to add anything new to this great discussion except one thing I've learned over the last 8 years of marriage.
When your wife says you're spending too much time on the computer it isn't sufficient to start tallying up the hours spent. Contrary to our analytical nature, it isn't the number of hours that matter, it's the perception of the number of hours.
It's easy for us geeks to measure our family time as a ratio:
ActualTimeOnComputer/DesiredTimeOnComputer
But our wife calculates it:
(TimeOnComputer+TimeTalkingAboutTechnology+TimeDay
dreamingAboutTechnology+TimeGoneAtWork+TimesSheGoe
sToBedAlone)/DesiredTimeWithFamily
Once I realized that I knew that if my wife says I'm spending too much time on the computer then I just have to trust that it's too much time. Typically I'm able to cut back a lot for a while then bring it back up until I find an equilibrium. As a geek it's like a slippery slope though - if you aren't constantly spending less time than you want, you're sure to be spending more time than she wants.
Of course a wife might also calculate the ratio as:
ActualTimeOnComputer/DesiredTimeOnComputer
But for her DesiredTimeOnComputer = 0 which throws a ComputerTimeException every time she runs the calc.
Are you interested in the thoughts of our wives? My wife and I have a great relationship and I'm an obsessive geek too. Maybe she'd have some advice for Maryam about how she's learned to deal with loving a geek.
My wife and I had similar problems, though it never really got to the point of a fight. Sometimes she still needs to remind me that she needs attention, too. The trick for me is to make a quick evaluation: as much as I enjoy my various projects and such, in a few years, I'm going to remember that extra hour I spent with her much more than I will that extra weblog entry.
With our first child on the way, striking a balance is even more important. My advice? Not to sound harsh, but make sure you know where your priorities lie. Every man needs time for himself, whether it's in the garage or the home office, but that time should never go so far as to make someone else feel unappreciated. Both spouses should put themselves in the other's shoes and figure out what would make the other person happiest. When you're both focused on what the *other* person needs, putting their desires ahead of your own, then you'll be well on your way to resolving this and myriad other problems because you'll be attacking the root cause (sorry, my geekiness slipped out for a second, too).
I don't know quite what this says about my social skills but the few times I've met you in person, you didn't seem that you lacked in social skills at all. But I think that the other person in the relationship needs to realize that your "passion" for technology is what makes you ... well... you. We all have our vices and this is an addition. Robin Williams even commented on this in appearances... http://www.zap2it.com/movies/new...--
13446,00.html
So maybe that's the best way to handle it... by admitting that it is an addiction and treating as such?
Hey... you have a named disease! IAD!
http://psychcentral.com/netaddiction/
hmmmm... given the fact that I'm surfing while finding links to IAD....what does that make me?
That should have said.... this is an addiction ....not addition [spell check not on obviously]
You may find my recent blog about "Creating Empathy" helpful:
http://www.dhemery.com/journal/
a...ng_empathy.html
I love microsoft too, lamer.
Just heard that the amazing 55,000 smart people couldn't even come up with an anti-virus software on their own, and had to buy a startup in Romania for that purpose.
Thanks everyone for such great comments.
I won't pretend to offer advice for *your* marriage, but I can say that I (like so many others who've already commented) really understand the issues you're dealing with.
A few years ago, my love of technology had gotten me into my dream job--working for the Gulf States District of Microsoft Consulting...
...the hardest decision of my life was finally turning in my resignation in order to stay at home with my wife and newborn son (I was doing 100% travel at the time). I cannot say there aren't times when I wish I'd never left--there's no resource on the web like CorpNet! However, I can honestly say that I would make the same decision again, because I love my family and am determined to love them even more than I do the .NET framework!
Thank you for your honesty, Robert. I am sure that your wife is very lucky to have you! You seem like a good man.
A belated suggestion, there is a book called His Needs, Her Needs by William F Harley (imwrc - if my wife recalls correctly). It is really helpful for figuring out what your spouse needs from you to feel loved. Men and women obviously have different needs and not all Items in the WomenCollection sort them in the same order. That book is a good way of finding out what your wife's top 5 needs are and in what order.
>I am sure that your wife is very
>lucky to have you! You seem like a
>good man.
Nah, I'm lucky to have her. She lets me write about her, and she forgives very quickly.
But, I totally understand about giving up CorpNet. That's gonna be a hard one when it's time to leave Microsoft (even if I stay until retirement age).
>That book is a good way of finding
>out what your wife's top 5 needs
>are and in what order.
Steve,
Thanks! I'll check it out. I know what my wife's needs are. I just forget them sometimes and fall into my geeky side too much.
You do realize you blog about 10 or 20 times as often as everyone else right? Why not take half that time and spend it doing something else? (something with your wife)
Sure your blog is fun but dang man, if I don't see 10 entries from you for every 1 or 2 by everyone else.
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