Consults:
I can't imagine carrying all that burden all the time. I hope it gets easier for you.
I have a pediatrician similar to you. When my daughter had 105 fever for an entire month that wouldn't come down with Tylenol or ibuprofen for more than 20 minutes at a time, do you know how comforting it was to have him call me (he picked up the phone and called me in the middle of his lunch hour) and say, "As I was lying in bed thinking about Abby last night..."? Her ped was concerned enough about my little girl to lay awake pondering other treatments or tests he could perform to get to the bottom of her illness!! He is a blessing indeed, and so you will be to many also. :D
Oh, my dear, you are so very, very far from becoming a soulless android, believe me.
The very fact that this weighs so heavily on you speaks volumes of your character and heart.
If I had any wisdom to pass on it would be this: Don't let yourself get caught up in thinking that if you can figure out what went wrong you can prevent it from happening again. See *all* your precious babies as unique in their responses. I don't mean that in an airy-fairy, esoteric spiritual way (though, that too).
Rather, recognize *now* that each baby will not fit the norm in terms of responsiveness to meds, therapies, statistics, etc. That is the lesson my son has taught us (and his more than 40 doctors) over the last almost 5 yrs. The really good docs were willing to look beyond the norms, statistics and expectations; they are the ones that made the difference between life and death...literally.
*You* are inherently that kind of doctor and human being.
Caring is NOT creepy.
I was diagnosed with a cholesteatoma a while back. When I asked my ENT what that was, he asked his nurse to write it down for me so that I could look it up on the internet.
Now that's creepy!
(yes, I fired him and found a caring ENT)
Hang in there!!! And don't be creepy.
Jen
sigh...hug...praying for you to draw strength and rest from the One who has lead you on this path..
I wish we had a ped like you. We should have looked for a new one. When I was a new nursing mother I left there on several occasions in tears. Thankfully he is a very healthy kid! I know that peds are the babies dr but they have the power to help with the selfconfidence of hormonal, scared, and still hurting from delivery women. Ours made no effort. Thanks for sharing all your caring stories! Your patients and their parents are very blessed to have you! Thanks again!
Oh, my. Caring is not creepy the lack of caring is creepy.
I have had 2 micropreemies and have seen preemies die. The answer is never really answered. You are a physician not God. Don't put that burden on yourself. I think as parents in the NICU what we want is compasion and understanding of our pain. We know that there is a chance that our baby will not make it and we are so grateful for whatever the doctors do to fight for our little ones. However, just as we must come to terms that our children are not our own... they belong to God. We must be ready to give them back to Him. When He wants them, there is nothing that you or I can do.
Never forget that you have limitations, you are a helper to the DIVINE PHYSICIAN. As long as you continue to care and have compassion, you will always be an angent of healing even though you may not save the baby.
I thank you for what you are doing for all the little ones in the NICU. I had a 15 oz. and a 1 and 1/2 lb. babies and I will never forget the love and compassion that those nurses and doctors showed me.
I shall pray for you to St. Luke patron of Physicians. May you always be a light to your patients.
In God's Love,
Gina
I too wish we had a ped like you. Our's on the last visit seemed so quick, so non-caring that it actually bothered me. I want to fire him for a Danielle. Are there any in the NW Ark area?
side note: you're right. that free t-shirt was real motivation.
After reading your post I had to get up and go kiss my sleeping 3 week old goodnight and tell him how glad I am that he is here and that I love him.
To help ease your mind a bit, I just want you to relax... and picture Dr. E gnawing on a pen in the ICU while giggling away and chatting with the attending. Make sure you visualize his curly, disheveled mop of hair, uncoordinated eyes, and cute little lisp... which I can guarantee you the pen does not help. 
Caring is not creepy, the lack of caring would be.
Prayers for you, for other doctors. I can only imagine how hard it must be.
Wow Danielle. Thanks.
Coming out of lurkdom to chime in with the others--not creepy at all.
You're right--every job comes home...you replay the events of the day over and over and over again. But your tapes kick a little harder...I had days like that when I taught.
Those days, those kids, those people remind us that we're alive, that we're human, that we love.
Keep up the good work, D. And it is the very best work out there. (I just had dinner with a friend who just matched to a PICU fellowship--I'm in awe of you guys.)
That - the taking it with you, the thinking of your patients while not at the hospital. THAT is what makes you a wonderful, caring doctor, THAT is what is going to make you be the one that has a waiting room full of kids.
In a mom's world - THAT is what we want, a doctor that thinks our child matters...it makes all the difference in our world.
Caring is what seperates the healers from the robots. I am so glad that you care. And I'm sorry that it hurts so much. I think the pain is there to remind you. She whispers her name to you so that you do not forget...that is what you wrote. And there is truth in that. ((hugs))
You are right - everyone who gives a flip about doing their job well plays the "what if" tapes. NICU is a tough place - kids don't have many reserves and when they get sick or injured enough for ICU is it a thin line between physical survival or not. You are part of that line - thank you for being there.
you have a precious heart, you are lovely.
Caring is not creepy at all.
I can't say anything better than what has been said above. Never forget that you DO make all the difference in the lives of your patients and their families. And the fact that you see them all as people and not just cases means that you are doing it *right,* even if some of them are beyond anyone's power to help.
It's so wonderful to hear your true-life medical stories from a human perspective. So great to know you care. I pray you're able to keep that caring perspective and balance in your life as well. Bless you.
So sad! Our short stay in the NICU definitely left an impression. We were so worried about Ruth, but at the same time humbled by how fragile all the babies around her looked in their little incubators while our big 8.5 pounder sat in open air with nothing more than an IV and the basic monitors. I loved the NICU nurses and doctors though, they were amazing. Supposedly they have the lowest turnover rate among all the nurses at the hospital. I don't know how you all do it.
Your timing with this post is spooky.
Please pray for my niece who coded last night and is still intubated. Things to not look good for her.
Hey, how did that photo show up? And how can I change it?
I understand....truly, I do. While I don't take care of little babies, I take care of people everyday who are facing death, trying bravely to ward it off. We are successful with some, giving them more time with their loved ones and families. Others, which happens all too frequently, we are not, and cancer ends up taking them in the end.
I feel somewhat prepared for the ones who we expect not to make it, although a few I become all too attached too and find it hard to help them cope...especially when we have to say, "There's nothing else we can do." Or when I know that their clinic visit is the last time I'll see them.
The ones that really get me, though, are the unexpected ones. The ones that die, and I was the last one to see them in clinic. I replay the last visit, the orders, the conversation, over and over again in my head. I look back through the chart, read the labs, review the scans, and wonder what I did wrong....what symptom did I miss? What clues were hiding beneath the surface that I wasn't able to uncover? And then the physicians I work with remind me, you can't predict them all.
Never stop caring...I doubt you ever will. I feel embarrassed at times because I work with male physicians who are able to contain their emotions and keep their distance emotionally, and I'm the one who comes crying out of the room because I just couldn't handle watching someone else mourn, cry, and not feel their pain.
God gave you that incredible heart, and He wants you to share it with your patients. We have countless patients' families return to us and thank us...for loving and caring for their loved ones. God bless you, and I LOVE reading your blog.
katie
Caring is a beautiful thing. Not caring anymore is the creepy part. I hope you never get there because caring is what makes you special.
Simply said hugs to you. Sometimes you have to wait with peace when you have done all that you can do. I am sure that your job as great as it is comes with great cost. Find the beauty and peace that comes from the inside knowing that you give all of yourself at all times. I believe that you do.
Blessings
Melissa
I'm sorry. That is a huge burden to carry. Thank you for doing it.
You don't know me but I got to your blog through a family member's blog and was touched by your post about losing the baby in the NICU. I am a nurse in an NICU in Wichita, Kansas and know exactly what you mean about losing a baby. I can't imagine why it happens or why in the world they couldn't stay here with us. It makes me happy to read your words and know that you are a doctor who truly cares for your patients...sometimes it's hard to tell. I really don't know what I wanted to accomplish by this post but just to tell you that it's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault and nothing that you could do could have stopped it. Think of all the babies you have saved and how many lives you have touched. That little girl did matter and she will always be remembered and she'll be the one who touched you. Don't forget her and use her story to help you with the next!
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