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I have quite a bit to say (as you might have guessed)
I was planning to take a blogging break - but maybe rather than getting into it here I'll blog about my own experiences with having been molested and the family crap that goes with it
for now I'll just say that sometimes it just doesn't even matter how much you talk about these things
the person who molested me has access to children every day of his life and lives freely about 2 miles down the road from me (he owns a store and lives within walking distance of the town park) as far as I know has never spent a single day in jail for what he's done to any of the what must be HUNDREDS of kids in his 60+ years - but it's not for lack of talking on my part
anyway I'm glad your niece started therapy and has gotten the skeleton out of the closet - I hope she will consider contacting the authorities even though someone obviously already has... every accusation matters!!
I just stumbled across your blog, and I hope that you don't mind if I add my 2 cents.
I was molested by my stepfather. I am 38, he has known me since I was 2. I told my mother again and again, but she refused to believe me. I told a teacher when I was 11, but my parents still refused to see the truth...years later, my mother admitted that she KNEW about it...Guess what? They are still together and I, too, have been accused of being a trouble maker.
I am completely estranged from my mother.
On the other side of the coin, my ex husband number one had four sisters that were molested by their father. The girls in turn molested him and the youngest sister...I found out that one of the grandchildren was molested. When he started touching me, I was told 'that is just how he is'
WTF? Are you kidding me? I should just take it b/c this is what he likes to do?
When my father remarried, I got three siblings in the deal. I found out a few years back that my neice was touching her little brothers...She was about 10, 11, and the boys were 4 and 2 ish....I thought for a very long time about this....A long, long, time...and I did what I thought was the right thing...I am now estranged from that side of the family..
I could go on and on....
I found out from an uncle that my stepfather fled his home country b/c of abuse allegations. My mother is STILL with him...
You did the right thing. I know all too well what it is like to be 'the troublemaker'. I really do. I am soo glad that your children didn't suffer b/c of their grandfather, and I feel for the kids that were victimized.
Well, that was one powerful post.
While reading it, I felt I experienced everyone's emotions . . . yours, your ex's, etc . . . and it broke my heart for all of you.
When I turned on my computer this morning, there was an article on Yahoo News about what abuse does to the brain and even the victim's DNA according to new research.
Yes, it changes their DNA.
It can change back again with therapy, but no one in your ex's family ever received any.
I'll e-mail you the article.
I think the victims just get so beaten down with trying to survive day-to-day, that their reactions aren't normal . . . like your ex.
As for your reaction being like a bulldog, I think that is the natural reaction of a mother protecting her children!
And you still feel that way because you'll never get over the shock of finding out Lucy and Ray were in danger.
You say you're submissive, but let some guy come after your children and you'll turn into a fanged Tiger . . . and rightfully so.
Grandpa might even have left your children alone because he might have dimly realized that you would never be able to ignore the situation like his own family did.
Had I read this post two years ago, my reaction would have been a little different... but now that I have Maddie, I can 100% empathize with your anger and even hatred of your ex. To put your children in a situation where they could possibly relive the same horror he did? Because it made him uncomfortable to talk about it?? Unthinkable.
I was abused as a child and I can proudly say that I told my mother. And God bless her, she believed me. I never saw that family member again.
I will teach Maddie about inappropriate talk and touching. I will ask her periodically if there's anything she wants to talk about. I will bring up the subject of molestation and rape for her, because it's hard to do on your own sometimes. I refuse to be silent. I refuse to let my child be ignorant of danger because the subject makes me uncomfortable.
I was going to say in my last comment that I would bet money that more people than not who are reading this post have been sexually abused in some way - so far, sadly, it seems I was right
another thing I meant to say was that you're kids are very lucky to have you as their mother 
We have an ongoing situation at the moment. Well, not us in particular, but my sister's husband's brother's wife family does. I hear about it all through my sister, who hears it from her sister-in-law. One of the cousins, a 10 year old girl has just started therapy because she was raped by another cousin. The boy who raped her is 15. It has come out that this his third victim that they know about. A 7 year old girl and a 5 year old boy, both also his cousins were his first two, one of those he raped when he was 13. The family has closed ranks. "He is just a child." is the excuse being used over and over. I have nephews aged 13 and 15 and they are old enough to know that this is wrong, they are old enough to know it isn't just sexual experimentation. He told the 10 year old that if she told anyone he would cut her until her guts fell out. He isn't a child, he is a sexual predator and protecting him is not going to help anyone. I am stunned that the parents of the three children have not done something. I am horrified that the boy's own parents know what he has done and are excusing it. They don't deny it, they excuse it. In this day and age they are still trying to keep this a family secret. I just don't understand.
I feel for your niece and your nephew and your ex and his brother and everyone else that prick touched and broke. I hope that your neice and your nephew are able to put themselves back together again.
I can't say that I truly understand. Thankfully, I've never been sexually abused nor do I really know someone who has (that I know of). But I can't imagine being that scared or ashamed to even talk about it, ESPECIALLY if it means being able to save someone else from going through the same thing.
I don't know what allows adults, especially parents, to let abuse happen to kids, theirs or others or to not just have a conversation if somebody else raises a concern. I went through YEARS of that with a Mother who was all to aware of it. Not only did HE do things to me, but she beat me for it.. I also found out, later, that several teachers at the school I was going to when I was removed from her custody either knew or suspected that there was at least physical abuse.. At LEAST.. I cannot even FATHOM not being super protective of my own children..
On the flip side.. There are, in some families, a quiet 'system.' It isn't right, it certainly isn't acceptable, but I can understand it. Like the wife who quietly lets her husband beat his son. For me it was my father who quietly let my Mother beat me and my brothers. (It was her husband after Dad that did the 'doing.')
I don't say all this for the knee jerk, 'Oh poor you! How awful!' reaction I often get. I'm very vocal. I don't tell everybody, but I refuse to be secretive about it. The more a person can TALK about these things.. Abuse. Rape. Molestation. These ugly, scary, taboo, shameful words.. The more we can shape it so that somebody having it happen to them RIGHT NOW can come out with it and be helped without being afraid of that shame.
I think the biggest hurdle for your niece, aside from the obvious, may be that her Mom was warned and didn't do anything. That is the most gut clenching thing. Its like a firm punch in the stomach right after a sweetly smiling, tender stroke of the cheek.
Oh, and a note.. Even without allegations a parent has a responsibility to have conversations like that with their kids. 'Is somebody touching you' etc etc. Did you know that 1 in 3 female freshman will have been molested in some way sexually.. The numbers for boys are completely skewed because the reporting for them is even worse.
Honestly, reading of adults (and other children from Sarah's comment) harming children makes me ill. It just makes me sick. I know these predators aren't well, but their actions are not human. It's animalistic.
These are children. We are committed to protecting them--THAT is human nature, genuine and pure. That protective instinct is natural to me, even when it's not my own children. As far as my own children are concerned, those instincts become superhuman.
Amber, your actions are more like a mother lioness protecting her young than a bulldog. I know. I'm a lioness, too. There have been times the carnage isn't pretty and no one has even done something this horrific to my children. If they did, I'd be in jail for certain.
{{Amber}}
As with everyone else that has commented I have my own story to tell, but it is not the time nor the place for it.
Taking the risk of disagreeing with you, I must say for the most part I DO agree with you....BUT....
I could NEVER press charges on the man (step father) that did that to me. Is it talked about in my family? Not now, but it was. Everyone in the family knows and has been warned. Pressing charges now would do no good. It's too long to explain why, but that's the way it is right now.
When this man took another wife that had girls, he was turned in by my mother. Nothing was found, but at least everyone was warned.
Making the call, could make things worse, so all things have to be considered before making a call like that.
I'm just saying.....
Well, sometimes it's just not that easy.
I'm so very sorry for your niece. Things like this should NEVER ever happen to children. I'm glad she's seeking help. I almost feel more sorry for your SIL. She will have to live with the guilt forever.
It's just so sad.
I'm sorry.
HUGS!
grace
Amber,
My daughter is in therapy because of her father. Her therapist is convinced that there are things she just doesn't (or refuses) to remember, but for now, they are working on getting her to the point where she will be able to have a normal relationship with a man. She frightens so easily, even with people she knows who slightly resemble him, that there has to be more than she has told.
But she didn't tell me anything at all until we left him. I wish she had... I would have killed him, and she wouldn't have had to be afraid anymore.
{{{Amber and family}}}
sorry to hijack your comments Amber - you know I have a hard enough time not yammering on even without the topic being so personal to me...
Sarah ~ I hope the family is looking into what adult most likely made this kid into what he is... it's not likely that he came out this way on his own - chances are he was abused himself
suzy - the odds that you don't personally know someone who has been sexually abused in some way are NOT good - I think it's something like 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys (and that is probably off since boys are less likely to report sexual abuse)
of all the people I know well enough to be close enough to to get this sort of information from, there are only maybe 2 who have never been either molested or raped... a couple have had the misfortune of both
but people are more comfortable sharing that sort of information with someone else who can relate - which is why people who weren't abused tend to think they don't know anyone else who was - but I'd be very surprised if you really don't
and Ellen - I HOPE this doesn't sound like I'm blaming you for your daughter not coming forward sooner, because I'm not!
but if she knew or suspected that you would do something drastic - it might have made her afraid to tell - kids know what happens to people who kill other people (even bad people)
and kids take EVERYTHING literally!!
seriously - one time my mother had some stomach bug and said she thought she was going to die (something we ALL say when we get sick like that) only at 6 years old I thought she was serious... I sat up all night trying to figure out what my sister and I would do without a mother
I think it's important for people to watch what they say about how they would react to revelations like this... seriously... if a child thinks that the one person who is there for them would actually commit murder to protect them... I think they're less likely to come forward - doing so could mean being left all alone - just a thought (from the mind of someone who was once a scared little girl)
~ ok I'll shut up now
I'm almost 52 years old and have one HUGE regret of my life...DH and I lived next door to an openly dysfunctional family, and for years I suspected the dad was abusing his three daughters. When the youngest was 15 she ran away from home and we got caught up in the search. We found Beth and I finally got to talk to her---she confirmed my suspicions! I wanted to call the police but she said she wouldn't cooperate. Her two older sisters said they'd never discuss it again. And I let it go. And that SOB is walking the streets. Each of his daughters have been promiscuious for years, and each has at least two kids but no daddy to be found. The irony here is that the girls have four kids between them---all boys---who I hope will someday grow up and beat that man's ass!
As Grace already said, it's not obvious what's the best way to handle such things. We all agree that ignoring it, and pretending that it doesn't happen, is a very BAD way to handle it, but other than that... It's important to get everybody warned, and going to the police is one way of doing that. It's also important to make people realize that it's really, really bad, and going to the police can do that, too. But Grace, would you mind saying some more?
If there is another way of preventing future harm, it might be better. It might.
Sexual abuse is such an interesting character - it really does sneak in when you least expect it and very quickly become the elephant in the room no one is willing to talk about.
We just don't know how to begin, you know?
As soon as my daughter was able to talk, I taught her the anatomical names for her sexual organs. I saw a program on television that really stuck with me, talking about how a child is often not allowed to testify if they call their vagina a "hoohah" or something similar.
The fact that I even have to THINK like that terrifies me and, although I have been a victim of sexual abuse in the past, I was an adult (or, nearly, at 16).
I just DO NOT get why people molest children. I'd like to castrate the lot of them for making me fear for my daughter being outside alone. It makes me sick.
Good for you for being righteously angry. More people should feel that way...
Jane hit the nail on the head when she said that your niece is going to have a hard time knowing her mother didn't protect her from Grandpa.
It is hard to understand.
Sexual abuse didn't occur in my family. My father was too busy with mental abuse and that took up all his time.
Boy, we always think of families as a haven from the cruel world, but often they are the source of cruelty.
I did once work with a woman who was going through several court cases because her ex husband had abused her two daughters. In the midst of all the trials, she found out that he had abused her oldest son also.
It took many trials because the juries kept ending the trials with a "No bill" whatever that means - no conclusion.
Her dad used up his retirement money to pay for the attorney and multiple trials, and finally he was convicted.
He didn't go to jail. They just took away his parental rights.
I babysat those kids one time in the middle of it all. I can attest that they were very damaged. They were still little girls and the older girl had become very sexualized and the youngest was violently angry.
The 11 year old boy was just quiet and overweight.
The mom showed me an old photo of the family. The dad was trying to hold the oldest girl (about age 3) on his lap and she was trying to get away from him. But she never realized what that meant.
I bumped into the mom years later when they were teens and she told me the kids don't want to talk about it al all.
On another note, I know a guy who used to date a woman who had been abused by her father. She used to avoid going home after school or put it off for hours.
Sad to say, she married a guy who died. She never could handle the kids. Eventually, she ended up as a highly paid prostitute . . . and she came to dispise men altogether.
Last I heard, she was getting ready to marry a Canadian she hardly knew, but wasn't excited or happy about it.
On a more positive note (not to be disrespectful about the sad stuff of course)... I guess we have the ultimate woman here Beautiful. Intelligent. Submissive to her husband. And protects her children like a lionness.
omg i want one like that
Johan, that is a perfect description for Amber!
Amber, these have been strong comments and some are very hard to stomach. But it shows all the love and support really does exist!
Johan, not sure what you mean by saying more.
What more would you like to know?
Grace, you said you would not go to the police, but you didn't say why not. That's what I meant.
I want to read comments but no time right now.
I was abused by my dad's cousin. We moved out of state. I never said anything. It wasn't until decades later that it came out. And my parents found out. I don't know if they said anything. I still didn't. I let that side of the family go, except my cousins (she was abused along side me).
Still later, he was accused of abuse by his 15 year old step daughter. I called the prosecuting attorney. They said it was too long ago and I was too young at the time to testify now. But they treated me with such respect and said they were glad to know what happened because they'd work extra hard to prosecute now. He got a year's probation.
My dad was upset because his cousin had to quit his volunteer sheriff's job. It came VERY close to ruining my relationship with him. I finally realized he HAD to stay in denial. It was the only way he could cope.
Abuse is insidious and it is a hell of a lot easier to tell someone to "just call" than it is to do it.
I made damn sure my kids knew that they DID NOT have to do whatever any adult said. I was protective, but not overly so. I have no reason to believe they were abused. They certainly were never in the same state as my abuser.
And, by the way, I think your reaction to your ex was completely understandable. Reasonable, even. Damn him. Just fucking damn him and all his ilk.
oh, and it all came up again right before my wedding 2 years ago when another cousin (brother of abuser) wanted to come to the wedding. HE WAS NOT INVITED. Another family member who was invited told him about it.
Family pow-wow between me and my folks. Ended up Mom and Dad called this person and explained the situation. Maybe this is the first time it was explained. He did say that it explained a lot of what happened over the years. Never figured out what he meant.
I asked them to apologize to him; I know he was not the one who did anything wrong, but that his whole family was poison to me because of it. I guess he understood. He didn't show up.
And my best friend was raped almost nightly by her step dad. Mom refused to believe it. Then, when she did believe, she accused her daughter of instigating it and being a tramp. It's beyond belief, almost. Wish it were.
Harry and I went to a play the other day and in it a mom said, in defense of why she didn't do something when her husband abused their little girl "at least he stopped hitting me" and I looked at Harry and said (and I'm NOT a talker during the play person, but I couldn't help myself) "That's not a believable line. NO mother would say that or feel that way." and he just looked at me sadly and told me that sometimes they do. (He's done a lot of work for the police re: child p*rn when they confiscate computers and he has seen too much)
It is MIND BLOWING to me that any mother could blame her daugher for what her husband did.
As if a girl would want that to happen to her.
As if the man isn't a grownup and couldn't resist.
MIND BLOWING.
Hi Amber,
I stumbled on your blog from a few others. I'm so sorry this horrible thing has happened to your family. I know it must be hard. I recently found out my father was sexually abused as a child, and the damage it did and continues to do is unfathomable. And the most infuriating thing is when other relatives know what is going on and won't admit it and continue to let it happen.
I know with my dad, he never told anyone until his abuser (an uncle) had died. When he came home from college, he used to go out and have a beer with him. I think sometimes with survivors of sexual abuse, like your ex, they have to act "normal" - not pressing charges, etc.- in order to live with it. My dad says he used to feel tremendous guilt - like he invited the abuse. He could only talk about it when the son of a bitch died.
Best of luck dealing with this. Kudos to you for having the gumption to call your ex's step-father. I think you did the right thing.
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