Sometimes Haloscan Eats Comments! Use cntrl-c to copy before posting!
Ummmm...yes?
Happy New Year!
I know you feel it was a rant, and perhaps it was a bit, but the point you were making to your brother Rich is a beautiful one. Living the in the present and with the love you feel and know is around you.
I three siblings and I fear there is a similar rant coming down the pike for our family. My vision of a soapbox and yelling about getting over yourselves could be a reality before too long. By the way, my siblings are quite a bit older than me at current ages of 58, 56 and 55. Yet, you'd think they were 5, 3 and 2. Sheesh!
Let it go, people. Life's to short to waste it on negativity.
Hey~since you're experienced in this rant, wanna do it for me for my siblings? Please?
You know, as I'm reading everything that Rich was saying to you about your parents and family, I'm thinking "How does Amber manage to not tell him to get over it already?" And then you DID! I really hope he did get it because life is too short to waste on things that can't be changed, you know?
Happy New Year! 
ugh!! my sister is like Rich... she dwells on our childhoods like the crap happened yesterday
I'm fucked up - she is fucked up - we're ALL fucked up!! and nothing can ever change what has happened in the past but fuck if you never find a way to live TODAY and TRY to put the past behind you, what the hell is the point?
I've tried that whole 'other people have had it WAY worse' bit... her response is that as a child she had no way of processing that - so her damage is just as great
which is true... in a way
aah it's all too much to bother writing about in comments... but the point is - your brother handles things differently for whatever reason - and you're not likely to ever change that
he may just be THAT damaged and have that hard a time being happy - all you can do is show him you love him
after that it's ALL him
no matter WHAT took place in your life - at some point your happiness is YOUR responsibility and life is TOO SHORT!!
anyway... I could go on and on about this for hours - so I'll shut up now hehehe
Amber, your point is very good, is there a family that doesn't have an addict or two hidden away? 
Addicts have certain mental habits and attitudes that make them addicts, living in the past and refusing to accept responsibility for their actions being two of the main ones.
Getting them to live in the now and accept responsibility is more than half the battle.
And yes, many self help groups, unless they have skilled psychological guidance, tend to turn out well ripened victims.
You and Dan have a great new year.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.
uh? Happy New Year...I think!
Actually, ranting is good for the soul sometimes. This may, or may not, be your brother, but I feel like some people LIVE to be the victim. My MIL is like that, everything is always everyone elses fault, NOTHING is ever her fault and poor her, we should all feel sorry for her.
Some people thrive on drama. Good for you standing up for yourself and your family. Hopefully he will get it, but I imagine that 40 year old conversation will never be over.
Ah, family. Can't live with them....can't shoot them!
HUGS!
grace
yes Grace - my sister is that way too - EVERYTHING is someone else's fault!!
EVERYTHING!!
while she was here we were having water problems... yet she INSISTED on doing laundry so that she would not be carrying dirty clothes back in her suitcase - she puts in the load (at 34 I trusted she knew how to use a washing machine) and after a while I walk past and hear the hum of the machine trying to fill for a rinse but not getting any water (I've learned to be aware of that sound)
I push in the knob so's to stop the machine and tell her - it's trying to fill for a rinse but we ran out of water - we'll have to let the well recover and then pull the knob and let it finish
she bitches and moans about how she doesn't want to stay up all *beeping* night... blah blah blah
she looks in the machine and sees that everything LOOKS clean and rinsed and even spun out
I tried to assure her that the machine was trying to fill... she bitched at me for pulling the knob and allowing a trickle of water to hit her laundry
then I looked over and noticed she had set the machine for an extra rinse!!
she says 'no I didn't!'
you must have... look here 'EXTRA RINSE'
'I didn't touch any knobs'
really? because the last load you did was set on small and this one is set on large... so you must have touched at least THAT knob!!
it's ALWAYS someone else... no matter what!!
Oh, sorry Kitty, I hit that knob. I wasn't sure what it was. Oops, sorry.
My brothers-in-law didn't make it to the Christmas dinner that my mother- in-law cooked. They did their own thing with wives, children, grandchildren, etc. They visited my mother-in-law on Sunday, looked into the kitchen, and said, "Mom, what's to eat?" They expected a dinner just for them. They are 60 and 65 and my mother-in-law is 92. She called us crying because they were mad at her. What were they thinking? Isn't family wonderful? That felt good, I need a blog of my own! Thanks!
Happy New Year to all of you back!
Elizabeth, I can rant to your sibs if you like but I'll bet they don't listen any better than my bro did.
Update; he called me NYE around 4 in the afternoon, just as I got home from the store (and it had been crazy out there so I was not in the best mood when I walked in the door with groceries) and guess what he wanted to talk about? AGAIN! And he was still mad at K and upset about Rob not making more of a fuss over the present he got him and OMG! I lost it again over the phone and started yelling and if you knew me in person, you'd know I never do that, I never yell at anyone like that. But he kept saying how dysfunctional 'we' are and I kept trying to say nicely that we aren't ALL that way but he wouldn't stop talking so I had to get louder and shout, I said, okay, let me make this clear, I'm OFFENDED when you say *I* am dysfunctional. I'm NOT! I'm a GREAT person and a wonderful sister to you so
STOP
IT
He mumbled something and I said, no, go ahead, tell me how I'm so dysfunctional, how the kids are so dysfunctional, Dan, M, what are/is the horrible things we do? What? WHAT?
He didn't have an answer. Jesus. I said, okay, then stop saying your "family" is fucked up all the time; I resent you saying that. He said, well, then the sibs! And I said, okay so how are Sis and I so awful? And he didn't have an answer and I said Rich, you mean you and ROB! So say that and leave the rest of us OUT of it.
He did say he realizes he has a neuroses about his family but this realization doesn't seemed to have changed his behavior.
ARgh. When I got off the phone, Dan said in amusement that I certainly *sounded* dysfunctional in the way I was yelling and I laughed sheepishly. He was just teasing; he knows how long my brother has been saying these kinds of things and how annoyed I've been all these years, he felt I had a perfect right to stand up for myself and he also knows that Rich just keeps talking unless you raise your voice. Then he stops, goes "huh" and you have to repeat yourself.
Biggest bummer; then he promptly forgets what you told him. Dan says Rich makes up his own history as Life happens to him and this is very true. And once he has it in his head you have said or done something, nothing will shake it. Even if all the other people there say it didn't happen. He admits he has a very bad memory and boy, does he ever!
Anyway, it took me a while to calm down after the phone call, I was that pissed off but soon enough I forgot about it and we had a great NYE. At home together eating naughty foods! heheheh...we never go out NYE, too crazy out there.
Paul, thanks for the validation. I know your wife was a psychologist so you have more wisdom on this topic than most laypersons and I'm glad you understand what I'm saying. Yes, I agree, the self-help meetings without some kind of professional in control can turn into reinforcement of the very qualities you're trying to change in yourself! He tells me what they talk about and so much of it is so negative and judgmental.
But the times he has gone for private therapy he's always started to get better. Right now he's just using medication and AA meetings because he doesn't have the funds for private therapy at the moment. As a result, he's gotten much worse.
Kitty, my sympathies go out to you. And yes, I've decided I'm not arguing with him anymore about it; it's not worth it to me to get all wound up and he's just not capable of understanding. Like Dan noticed, he has an entirely different take on reality. Some of the things he said on the phone never happened. How can you argue with someone who believes that?
Grace, I thought about your MIL, lol! Yes, some people are just determined to be the victim and I'm afraid your MIL and my brother are the type. It's too bad, really, because I remember when my brother used to be much happier. I wish he could be happy again.
Bottom line; I have to let go of trying to "fix" him and just love him the way he is.
Wow Mary! That's so selfish of your BIL's. What were they thinking indeed. And you should open up a blog of your own, I think it's good to have but if you do, please let me know about it.
I haven't read the run-over posts yet or comments, except the most quick of scans. I am just thankful someone else is dealing with some drama I can read about and laugh. I know you'll take that the way I mean it!
I'm SO sick of the drama of the last five days. Some of it legit, but frankly most of it not.
I just had to post a quick comment...now I'm going to enjoy myself while I read your posts!!
Commenting by HaloScan
