Fucking fucking fuck.
I don't swear. But fucking hell, that's as evil a thing as I've ever read. And those "adults" can go to hell.
I read that story earlier today---it happened very near to my hometown. Revolting and heartbreaking.
And those "adults" can go to hell.
They're utter sociopaths. I can't believe that child services hasn't intervened to remove their daughter, quite frankly. That's got to be a seriously unhealthy environment, and I'll wager whatever guilt those "adults" aren't feeling, their daughter is.
Unbelievable. How could those parents do that? How twisted is that?
I used to coach youth soccer and had to carefully watch everything I said. Words have a lot of power.
A) The people who created a fake myspace solely to fuck with the delicate psyche of a 13 year old girl should be sued, tormented, and generally smacked around like little bitches.
B) I can't really say a bad word about myspace, as I met my darling dear on there (2 years and a condo and many family vacations ago); but we always said that we never would have made it to each other through all of the crap on there if it weren't for some twist of fate...
C) Myspace is NOT for kids.... shit, the internet is not for kids. Which is a shame - but as always, shitbrained douche face fuckernutters always have to ruin brilliant things for the rest of us....
sued, tormented, and generally smacked around like little bitches
I get the sentiment, but this perhaps could have been worded better....
I'm trying really hard not to cry, I;m losing. Long before the days of personal computers and Myspace, that was me. Only, they played that trick on me to my face, using a real boy. I still bear the damage done.
How Megan's mother can even function at all is beyond me. And the childish viciousness of the other mother is unbelievable. As both a Christian and a believer in karma, I know that someday, somehow she will understand the harm she caused, even if she has to wait 'til Judgement Day. And I will pray for Megan's family.
that is heartwrenching....and why we must always be cautious.
Damn, that made me cry
When I had my original blog, a first cousin and his mother (my father's sister) assumed false names and trolled my blog. My cousin spent more hours online on my blog and those blogs in my blogroll (remember GC, Liss?) than he did working. For months they used the knowledge of who I was without my knowing who they were. They even got my mother and sister in on the "game" for awhile. The whole family live in one state and I am far away, but one of the most hurtful things of my life is that somehow the family feels that they did nothing wrong in anonymously provoking me...need I say that they are uber-right-wing and homophobic? Was a real eye-opener about so-called 'family'.
This article was very chilling.
ee
I can't believe adults did it. ADULTS! I don't know how I could live with the rage. No wonder those people are divorcing. What an awful, awful story.
This article makes me want to cry. The girl in the story reminds me of myself at that age, and it just makes me glad that the internet didn't exist beyond AOL back then.
That "family" which did that to the poor girl should be outed and have the shame follow them forever. No one needs to harm, threaten, or vandalize them. But everyone should know who they are by name, as everyone already knows who they are in character/worth.
Sociopaths, indeed. That's fucking awful.
jeebus...I second Deborah's passionate quandary and add my own, Religionists, I suspect and the odds are with me, RELIGIONISTS!
Sociopaths, word!
Child abusers, yep. There are laws against that...right?
physically ill, I am, fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck
Religionists, I suspect and the odds are with me, RELIGIONISTS!
The boy they created was home-schooled; I'm sure that wouldn't have occurred to any heathen.
The "adults" who did this should never have access to the internet again. And they should never have access to anyone under the age of 18 ever again.
That, at least, would be ONE STEP toward justice.
Man, I would hate to be a parent. I'd be very tempted to say "absolutely not" to any MySpace or Facebook accounts, until they went away to college or moved out of the house. Especially if I knew my kid was emotionally fragile in any way. I'll bet these people are smiling right now and enjoying themselves and thinking the entire thing is hilarious. We got a fat girl to kill herself! We are brilliant! Hawhawhawhaw! Let's try it with another one, it's so easy. Candy from a baby, but oh so much more satisfying!
Except that, thanks to this story, they will soon be in hiding, and they may not ever be able to come out. I hope, at the very least, that whoever their Internet provider is suspends their account for life.
I'd be very tempted to say "absolutely not" to any MySpace or Facebook accounts, until they went away to college or moved out of the house.
I'm not going to do that.
Yes, articles like this make me want to wrap my daughter in bubble wrap and cut her off from the outside world, but I can't do that. There are predators out there, but all I can do to protect her is help her learn to protect herself -- and know in the twist of my gut that may not be enough.
I can say this: she won't have a MySpace account before 14, but I'll encourage her to have one after that. I'll also encourage her to talk to me about it, and let her know what kind of creeps can float around the internets (they're not just sexual predators, as this story clearly shows). I'll make her aware that bullying can move over into cyberspace, and tell her flatly that I've been a victim of it as an adult, because I'm not afraid to shoot my mouth off.
I'll tell her to come to me with problems, tell her what to look out for, and then I'll back away, and try not to look over her shoulder all the time. And hopefully, through all of that, my daughter will get the message that I trust her, that I think she's worth that trust, that I want her to feel she can come to me if she's upset. And I know she might not; all of us who were teenagers know the particular strain of madness that entails. But I can't protect my daughter 24 hours a day; only she can do that. And trying to protect her will only make her more susceptible to hatred and anger when they do breach my defenses. Or so I keep telling myself.
Flying. H. Spaghetti. Monster.
Wow, Jeff. What an amazing response to possibly the most distressing story I've heard lately (this year? ever?). I know it's been said before, but your daughter is lucky to have a dad like you.
And I'll have to agree with Burning Prairie - the karma on these people will be heavy.
The boy they created was home-schooled; I'm sure that wouldn't have occurred to any heathen.
I know parents that home school their kids, basically because the schools are underfunded, not their religious beliefs (though they have those too). The parents are educated and form cooperatives to make this feasible. The thing that wouldn't have occurred to them is making a kid feel worthless, unloved, stupid or fat. They wouldn't have thought of calling a kid a slut, a whore, a fag...etc.
The sick fucks who made this young kid feel worthless...will hide behind religion. Guaranteed.
more parents like Jeff please.
Cheers
Old fashioned "shunning" I think would be in order. These sociopaths should be identified and simply shunned by everyone. What awful awful people.
It's really appalling. It's really sad Megan didn't wait, and that has to be killing her parents. But, jeez, these are supposedly adults that did this. Kids can be vicious to each other some times, but this was so plotted, premeditated and cruel. Megan's parents could probably pursue a civil case if they wanted. I just wonder about the daughter of these evil parents. As for the shunning, it sounds like that's happening, and I'd be surprised if these evil mofos didn't move.
All that everyone else said, and this:
They had the nerve to file a police report regarding the foosball table??????
I was a kid who was 'different'-I hated sports, loved class (yeah I was a science nerd) and classical music and hid out in the library, because I was thoroughly bullied.
I was the target of rumors and abuse. Yeah, I was a big farm kid, large and clumsy, and with black glasses. My particular tormentor spread rumors that I now realize were his own sexual fantasies, called me 'queer' and 'faggot, and generally made my life hell. The teachers and councilor would say "Ignore it, toughen up..."
The happiest day of my High School life was the day I was able to begin classes at a junior college under 'early admissions' (and a 1460 SAT Score), and never go into Hayesville NC High School again. I was set free.
I would come to terms with my sexuality.. And in one of those Cozmic justice things, my tormentor would become a Navy SEAL, and then get a sex change after leaving service.
I would still punch the bastard.
I have been castigated by other parents for (with my childrens' knowledge) installing spyware on their computer so that I know every thing that they type or see on their computer. I know my oldest son's myspace account name and password. I know his email address and password. I read (or at least skim) every instant message he receives. My youngest son is not allowed to use myspace, or IM, or to email anyone he does not know in real life. Because I monitor every bit of activity on that computer, I am able to enforce that rule.
While my children are under my roof, I am responsible for their safety, and as a long time enthusiastic user of the internet, I know how dangerous a place it can be. I will not give up my viligence because some people consider me "too strict" or "too invasive". My children's lives are too important.
"According to (her) 'somehow' other 'my space' users were able to access the fake male profile and Megan found out she had been duped. (She) stated she knew 'arguments' had broken out between Megan and others on 'my space.' (She) felt this incident contributed to Megan's suicide, but she did not feel 'as guilty' because at the funeral she found out 'Megan had tried to commit suicide before.'"
Um, she didn't feel 'as guilty' because, hey, the bitch already tried to kill herself so she was fucked up already?
This is obscene.
stuff like this makes me glad that i grew up as a savage pagan. our primitive culture among the apache would never be sophisticated enough to have stuff like this happen.
maybe a few more generations of casino money and we'll get there. right now, i'm happy to be savage.
Fuck.
I'm sorry, but just plain fuck.
If this ever happened to my own daughter (who by the way had her own problems earlier this year with two former "friends"), my advice to the Missus would be to raise bail money, and a lot of it... because I would NOT be responsible for my actions. 
remember GC, Liss?
Indeed I do.
remember GC, Liss?
Indeed I do.
Melissa McEwan
Ok, who was GC?
I've read through that newspaper account a few times and the end doesn't make sense to me. Megan died over a year ago, her parents are divorcing, the neighbors still live a few houses down and advise the reporter to be careful?
This is like a dream where someone was left by the side of the road and no one remembers why or how. Where is the sense that something real happened?
Ok, who was GC?
From EE's comment, above: "When I had my original blog, a first cousin and his mother (my father's sister) assumed false names and trolled my blog. My cousin spent more hours online on my blog and those blogs in my blogroll (remember GC, Liss?) than he did working."
GC was EE's cousin, and the first person I ever had to ban, for dumping homophobic crap all over the blog constantly.
Dear Heaven, the horror.
I can't envision surviving my teenage years in this current environment. The elaborate plans groups of kids from both genders had for me were nearly effective enough via the phone and the real world.
I shudder at the thought of raising a child in this environment. I hope, instead in time to be a good uncle to the children of my far stronger siblings.
Just...wow.
It was the adults doing this. Why? Why do this?
Oh. And by the way. "John Gabriel's Greater Internet Dickwad Theory" Is supposed to be funny in the same way that the Daily Show is funny.
You laugh because it's better than crying (or screaming ) about it.
supposed to be funny in the same way that the Daily Show is funny
Noted. But I think there are a lot of people who think it's funny just because it's funny to do that shit.
I just want to know how morally bankrupt motherfuckers like that "family" are able to look at themselves in a mirror.
In jr. high, I was a tall, heavy-set, big-breasted nerd-girl -routinely mocked for my height, my chest, my brains, my weight, my clothes, you name it. When I was 13, the "cool kids" decided that anyone who deigned to eat lunch with me would be subject to total ostracisation and as a result, I spent an entire year eating lunch either hidden in the library or in one of the art rooms if a teacher was feeling particularly sympathetic.
The fact that this poor megan's "friend's" *parents* showed the same disgusting lack of decency typical of a particularly ill-raised pubescent makes me want to go beat the living SHIT out of something.
Thank god my mama raised me to ignore stupid bastards. The summer during which the neighborhood kids tried to ostracize me was spent reading and walking in the woods and, on rare occasion, saying "Seriously? I have siblings who have said far worse, so do you really think I give a fuck?" when they teased me. That ended the game for most of them.
I was lucky. Really, really lucky. I figured out that weird could be a badge to display proudly instead of something to be ashamed of. Thank god I was raised by liberals. So as part of a liberal family tradition, I'm raising my kids to ignore stupid bastards - because there's never any shortage of those.
On the flip side, I would very much like to pummel the ever loving crap out of the folks who did this to a vulnerable child. Because there's a difference between stupid bastards and evil sociopaths. May they reap what they have sown, soon and forever.
I always wondered how it was possible that kids could be so cruel. My childhood years were hell - teased about everything from my developing boobs to my intelligence, beat up, called horrible names, ostracized... it's not something I would do again.
After reading this story I'm reminded that children learn from their parents. How absolutely vile. And worse even that these people don't seem to have a shred of remorse.
This is absolutely horrific. As I tell my children, words are the most powerful weapon a person can wield. Once spoken they cannot be taken back no matter how many apologies are given. Some of my most painful memories come from things that have been said, bruises and cuts heal, the other, not so quickly. There is a special place in hell for someone that can be this cruel and hateful. God be with Megan's family.
Maybe I'm morbid, but I can't help but wonder what the motive of the parents who instigated the whole thing was, if it wasn't just out of simple cruelty. The writer seemed to imply that it might have been a twisted revenge against Megan for breaking off the friendship with their daughter. If that's the case, it takes parental entitlement to a whole new level.
Frankly, the person I feel sorry for the most, besides Megan herself, is the aforementioned daughter. Besides having parents who would engage in such bizarre behavior (and be petty enough to file a police report against the people whose daughter they had driven to suicide), she will most likely feel more guilt every day than her parents will in their lifetimes, simply because she joined in the "fun" at the last minute.
I know my oldest son's myspace account name and password. I know his email address and password. I read (or at least skim) every instant message he receives. My youngest son is not allowed to use myspace, or IM, or to email anyone he does not know in real life. Because I monitor every bit of activity on that computer, I am able to enforce that rule.
I will not give up my viligence because some people consider me "too strict" or "too invasive".
If my parents did what you do, I wouldn't have been "safe." I would have become a serial killer. And they would have been the first victims.
People need privacy in order to remain sane. Yes, that includes kids. Part of adolescence and the journey to adulthood is getting influenced by sources other than your parents, often without your parents' knowledge. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. Is it dangerous? Yes. Not as dangerous as watching your kid's every move. For one thing, kids need information about subjects that they might not feel comfortable talking to their parents about or even letting their parents know about, no matter how open-minded and understanding the parents think they are.
No, you can't keep your kids perfectly safe. Even monitoring all their online communications won't do that. The Meiers tried doing that and Megan still fell prey to predatory adults. Perfect safety is a myth. Deal with it.
If my parents did what you do, I wouldn't have been "safe." I would have become a serial killer. And they would have been the first victims.
In retrospect, this is harsh. But I stand by the main point of it. Micromanaging kids is more likely to drive them to suicide as it is to keep them safe. The point of parents is to help kids become adults, not to hide them from danger. Becoming an adult involves confronting danger.
this is horrible, horrible, horrible.
poor megan, poor girl and her parents must be devastated... all my sympathy goes out to them
those idiots need to be charged with something quite heavy, I would almost say murder but obviously that is impossible. they are obviously really demented.
I really don't know what to do other than vomit, right now :
ginmar -- yeah, the thing about megan having attempted suicide before (sorry, don't know how to do quotes) -- if it were true, that should have made these "adults" more careful and circumspect, not less so. and by more careful and circumspect, i mean "don't fuck around with a child's life!"
"gee, i don't feel bad about tormenting a mentally-fragile child to death, because hey, she was already mentally-fragile!" WTF!!
God, how awful.
I also feel sorry for Megan's sister, who kind of disappeared from the story. What an awful thing to live through as a young child - a sister's suicide, parents' divorce. I can't imagine.
I know it's been said, but I just can't help it - how on earth could adults do this? It's wretched enough when teens bully each other. But adults? What kind of twisted world do you live in when you plot and conspire - as adults - to torment and mock a poor 13 year old girl? I know, Liss et al are right, they're sociopaths. But that explanation feels so hollow, even though i'm sure it's true. I just keep wondering what went wrong in their brains that they felt the need to do this.
I went through 2 years in a school where I was mercilessly teased and ostracized, when I was a couple years younger than Megan (5th and 6th grades). It was awful. They all called me "dog" because they thought I was ugly, and I had no friends at all. But thank God, I transferred to a different school, got into theater, made a lot of friends, and survived (and even occasionally enjoyed!) high school. It breaks my heart that other victims of such cruelty aren't always so lucky.
Lola | 11.13.07 - 10:26 am
I don't agree with all of your points nor do I want to argue or debate with you.
I think it depends upon the child. A parent who has been truly 'aware' of their children since birth will hopefully know what limits to place on each of their children without pushing them over the edge.
Those parents are crap.
I do feel sorry for their daughter. 'cause you can bet everyone at her school knows her parents did it and she's probably bearing the brunt of it at school. Thanks Mom!
Also - any journalists or journalism profs reading? What are the ethics around naming in this situation? Lots of commenters on the original website are calling for the names of the parents who behaved so reprehensibly. It seems to me like the only names that are usually withheld in news artilces are those of minors and victims of sexual assault. Is it considered ethical to withhold names to protect the daughter?
Thanks for sharing this story. I will be emailing the link to all the parents of the eighth graders I teach, most of whom have MySpace accounts.
Most of their parents are just frickin' clueless, too.
I have been castigated by other parents for (with my childrens' knowledge) installing spyware on their computer so that I know every thing that they type or see on their computer...
That's what we call "being a parent."
I think this illustrates the need for parents to keep closer supervision of their kids when they are on the internet. The internet is like the Old West. There are no laws and rules. You have to take it for granted that people are not who they say they are. Teenagers do not seem to have this skill, indeed many adults do not. That is why parents have to sit beside their kids while they are on the internet. That is what I do with my kids.
I don't understand why the parents who created the fake Josh would do what they did, they sound like idiots to me. On the other hand, new laws are not going to change a thing. There is no way you can blame the girl's suicide on anyone. People do not kill themselves because of an unhappy experience. The kill themselves because of depression, chemical depression. There is no way you can limk the death of this girl to the specific situation. As is often the case with many people who commit suicide, the family does not see it coming. They will often point to things the person was looking forward to as evidence that it could not be a suicide, but feelings are not as simple as that. A person can be looking forward to the future and STILL be suicidal. The situation is tragic, but sadly there is nothing that can be done about it.
quilter -- depression can be chemical and situational. often, chemical depression requires a trigger.
right now, i am going through an episode that is linked to the 1-year anniversary of my husband's suicide attempt. thank the fsm, we are both doing okay. but for both of us, our depression is biological in nature, but triggered by life events.
I'm writing this before reading the other comments, so my apologies if anything is repeated.
I am only halfway through the story and I am so beyond ill that I don't think I can finish it. Not just at the sheer evil of those parents, but at how familiar that story reads.
As a person who made it into adulthood before sites such as Myspace, I'm still scarred by the horrendous amount of teasing (to the point of becoming suicidal) I endured as an adolescent. I can't imagine what it must be like now, when there is often NO refuge from that kind of treatment. At least I could go home, where I felt safe.
To be an adult and stand aside or victim blame (as many teachers did in my situation) as a kid endures physical, verbal and emotional abuse angers me beyond comprehension. To be an active participant is an evil beyond definition.
Quilter: "I think this illustrates the need for parents to keep closer supervision of their kids when they are on the internet."
quilter, the whole damn point is that the parent's were supervising her, and apparently being pretty aware and hands-on with their daughter's chemical and social issues. I agree that law changes probably wouldn't help, but that does not make these horrible, senseless, self-centered adults any less culpable. Karma will hit them hard.
First off - Melissa, thank you for adding this story to your blog. As a surviving recipient of years of bullying in middle school, I think it's very important to remind everyone that 1) this crap still goes on, and 2) such behavior is never acceptable. The fact (supposedly mature) adults were pre-meditatively involved in the commission of this crime makes it even more vile.
Unfortunately, not only is this callousness accepted in our society, it is glorified. Case in point: every 'reality' show on television. Indeed, there's not a half-hour block of Mtv broadcast in the last decade that wouldn't qualify as 'hateful television' (hey, perhaps they should call it Htv.) While I was reading this poor girl's story, I felt the same 'blood-boiling distastefulness' welling up inside me that I experience when I'm (inadvertently) exposed to said shallow-premised programming. So for me at least, there must be a link there.
It saddens me that there continues to be an audience for this lowest-common-denominator tripe. Until that changes, I predict tragic events like this will continue, and those responsible will have no idea they've done anything wrong.
May those parents one day come to realise, fully, completely, and emotionally, what they have done.
I'll make her aware that bullying can move over into cyberspace
Text messaging too.
Barbara Coloroso has a very good book called The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence. I recommend it. She's also a fantastic speaker if you ever get a chance to hear her live.
Also - any journalists or journalism profs reading? What are the ethics around naming in this situation?
It's tricky. I actually think they made the right decision in this case, but not for the reason they gave. I think they made the right decision in order to keep a mob from forming. As it is, it wouldn't be hard to figure out who they were -- police reports are public data, as they should be.
Truthfully, they wouldn't have been wrong to name the parents in question either; it's a difficult judgment call, and I can't fault them for making the decision they did. I'd be very surprised if they don't get outed soon, though.
I thought one of our duties as parents was to teach our kids to be decent to others.
How can those two call themselves 'parents'?
Wow.
When I think what a boon the internet was for me as a teenager, this makes me extra sick. I got an account on GEnie in 1992 when I was 14, and frankly, those people helped me survive high school. I was also fat, and depressed, and in need of friends. And I found them online. I made some lifelong friends, and it provided me with an outlet and a support system that I didn't have in the "real" world at that time.
To realize that it can - and does - have the exact opposite effect on a young girl just breaks my heart on so many levels. This medium has the potential to be such a GOOD thing in a young person's life; it just wrecks me to see it abused in such a sick fashion.
This story is beyond sickening. The torture that our children put each other through on a daily basis is horrid enough, but to have so-called adults involved takes it to a whole new level. That they could do this to a 13 year old, one whom they knew and, apparently, at one time considered a friend of their own child is bad enough; that they can't even admit how horrendous their actions were is stomach-turning.
I just can't believe that adults could be so cruel to a child. They tricked a 13 year old. And they're ADULTS, for goodness sake.
That poor family... and that poor child.
I hope these adults go to hell. And I will be the one to torture them.
As a victim of cyber-and real life bullying which still goes on today, this is NOT okay. Megan, I'm sorry. I would've been her friend, if it matters. This world isn't fair, is it? Just... ugh.
I have been castigated by other parents for (with my childrens' knowledge) installing spyware on their computer so that I know every thing that they type or see on their computer. I know my oldest son's myspace account name and password. I know his email address and password. I read (or at least skim) every instant message he receives. My youngest son is not allowed to use myspace, or IM, or to email anyone he does not know in real life. Because I monitor every bit of activity on that computer, I am able to enforce that rule.
While my children are under my roof, I am responsible for their safety, and as a long time enthusiastic user of the internet, I know how dangerous a place it can be. I will not give up my viligence because some people consider me "too strict" or "too invasive". My children's lives are too important.
...that's beyond creepy. That goes into stalker terriotory. And it just absolutly disgusts me.
I understand wanting to make sure that your children are safe. But trust me, all you are doing is making them be more sneaky and learn new ways to hide things from you. All you will susceed in doing is pushing your children away from you. Reading all their ims? That's just wrong. That's like eavesdropping on a converstaion-- they are not talking to you, so back up and give them some space. I know, this is an amazing concept, but maybe your son doesn't want you to read his conversations with his girlfriend. Or, hey, once again, crazy concept here, but maybe by sheltering them like this so much that they can't even log onto their own fucking email without mommy watching their every move is just going to make it that when they're on their own, they don't know what to do.
My emails are personal. My Livejournal is personal. My myspace is bloody fucking personal. You say you are an advid user of the internet. So would you appericate if your parents waltzed into your house, went to your computer, and installed spyware so they could see every single thing you do? Or hell, let's just say your husband/boyfriend. Or your best friend. Would you appericate that because they were just trying to "protect" you?
If I heard this on the news, like, what you do to keep your children "safe", I'd honsestly think you were one of those moms who keep their kids in the basement because they lost a pet 20 years ago and now have mental problems and murder all their boyfriends because they can't stand to let anyone have the chance to leave them.
All you will susceed in doing is pushing your children away from you.
In fairness, I think it totally depends on the relationship the parent and kid have. It's probably hard to believe, but until I was about 14 or 15, I quite genuinely wouldn't have cared if my mom read all the notes my girlfriends and I passed in class (the late-80s/early 90s equivalent of IMs, lol). Not that she ever did, although I showed a lot of them to her because they were funny and I knew she'd enjoy them.
My younger sister, on the other hand, was much more fiercely private from an earlier age.
So my mom had to strike a balance between what was acceptable to me and what was acceptable to my sister, in terms of respecting our privacy, while also doing what she thought was needed.
Until I reached high school, there was only one phone in the house--in the kitchen--and then I started asking for some privacy, so they installed an extension line in the basement. It was a negotiation, and I presented my case, and they agreed it was fair.
I think it's true that encroaching uncomfortably on a kid's privacy will drive them away, but if the kid is totally wev about it, like I was, not so much.
I should add: Especially if concessions are made when politely requested. That's really the crux of the issue, I think -- whether the kid's own will is taken into consideration.
I think balance is another big issue though-- you said your mom tried to respect your privacy, while still protecting you.
I don't envy parents jobs-- most kids will go behind their parents back without a second thought because the rules that are there to protect them actually bind them. I can't tell you how many times this conversation (or something like it) has happened:
Mom: So you're going to the mall, and then Courtney's for the night?
Aly: Yes, for the millionth time!
I'm never going to Courtney's. And if I am, it's because there's a party at her house. Or I'm heading there so I can get her because she's wilder than I am and is fun to hang out with.
Very few kids care about lying to their parents. There are a few, of course-- I have friends who feel downright horrible about lying to their parents. But in my experience, those are the people who don't have anything to hide, so they don't really have to learn how to lie.
So I'm not trying to say that parents should just give total free reign and trust their kid. If my mother did that, I'd be so screwed, because the power would go to my head. What I am trying to say is that there has to be a balance, and in knowing your child's passwords, screen names, reading their converstaions, and just all together immersing yourself into their life, you are overstepping that balance by miles.
Even if you'd show Mama Shakes your notes, wasn't there always that one converstaion or that one fight with a friend or something you didn't really want her to know? Because not only by reading her childrens ims and getting info that way, Odanu is finding out things about other children. Bullitens on MySpace is a very popular way to get things around-- I must get at least 100 bullitions a day, without exaggration at all. So a parent finds out something that the other child never wanted them to know. They trusted the child and the adult found out. Can you imagine what that will do for the relationship between the teenagers? I'd never tell Odanu's kids anything. Actually, they'd probably be isolated, completely, online, because nobody wants to take that chance. And if you are isolated online, like on myspace or aim, you are isolated in school, because online life and school life is closely intertwined. For example-- you have less than 70 myspace friends? Ha. Be prepared to be outcasted in real life.
I can't imagine what living with this insaneness will do to these kids. For 18 years? Because I don't doubt that Odanu (and feel free to correct me, of course, if this isn't the case) is just as... I don't want to say strict, because this is beyond strictness. This is clingy and creepy. That she is just as clingy in every other aspect of her children's lives. 18 years of being monitered every single second?
I'd run away. My mother would drive me to literally run away if that happened. Anything to get away from her.
I monitor my 16-yo. cousin's internet usage - meaning I have all of her passwords and keep up with her LJ, Facebook, myspace, emails and IMs. Like the poor girl in this very sad story, my cousin has ADD, battles depression, and has not always made good choices online. She didn't want her mom to have access to her communication, but agreed that she needed supervision and guidance to keep out of trouble. So we came up with this arrangement, and so far, it has worked out fine.
Aly, not everyone is just like you, and you don't know odanu's kids. There are lots of ways to strike a balance between privacy and safety, depending on the particular situation and relationship between child and parent. And I see Melissa posted pretty much exactly what I wanted to say, so I'll just second her.
I'd like to add another vote for lifelong shunning of the 'responsible' adults. Put their kid into some kind of witness protection-changed identity thing, and plaster the adults' names and faces all over the internets and wherever they live, w/ something along the lines of "These scumbags hounded a child into killing herself". For the rest of their miserable lives. W/ continual updating for moves and changes in appearance.
I had to deal w/ a similar situation in middle school. This was long before Myspace; the a**holes used phones. My parents were very embarrassed to have the sort of child who would invite such mockery. We eventually moved, and high school was better.
Being told you're worthless and that the world would be a better place w/o you does permanent damage. I have no sympathy for adults who would do this, and little sympathy for adolescents who engage in this behavior. I'm not entirely convinced that adolescents are completely oblivious to the harm they cause.
My oldest son trusts me to not reveal his secrets and also knows that I skim, not read, his posts. Mostly I'm looking for new contacts that pop up. I verify that they "seem okay" and/or are probably someone he knows in real life, and otherwise don't use the ability to read his stuff much. I am completely open with him about reading it, and he leads a very above-board life, so there's no biggie. That computer is more monitored for the sake of my younger, "never met a stranger" son who is too quick to trust.
asdf:
those idiots need to be charged with something quite heavy, I would almost say murder but obviously that is impossible. they are obviously really demented.
Almost? I'd say that they *should* be charged with murder.
MR Bill:
I would come to terms with my sexuality.. And in one of those Cozmic justice things, my tormentor would become a Navy SEAL, and then get a sex change after leaving service.
I would still punch the bastard.
Way to go, Mr Bill, make this all about Those Sick, Fucked-Up Trannies.
P.S. I'm a tranny. Wanna come punch me? You'll just be repeating what was done to me for seven years in school, because of my gender variance.
As for my younger son, he is ten years old, and extremely gifted and friendly. He also has a random vicious streak that can get very ugly. As he and his brother share a computer, it is necessary that I have access to the computer for both of them.
The key, I think, is that I like both of my sons, and they like me. The know I am able to micromanage, but they also know I'm not that interested in school politics and the latest bands. many days, my oldest son and myself send dozens of links to each other that we found on stumbleupon. Some days when I'm feeling lazy or sick, I'll IM him to bring me a soda from the kitchen.
Before we did this, we had been dealing with some internet trolls who had been threatening the life and livelihood of an on-line friend of mine. Also, my oldest son had started bringing home viruses in his explorations. I was able to figure out how he was bringing home the virus es and show him safer downloading sites and procedures.
I trust my kids, and they know that. What I don't trust are the motives of the millions of anonymous people on the internet they might come in contact with. I worked in an office environment for seven years where all of my computer interactions were monitored. Many of us do. I have no difficulties with a company protecting its interests by monitoring employee computer activity, and I think it's both a right and a duty for a parent to do the same. The nature of the monitoring tends to parallel the relationship of the parent and child. I have an open, humorous, loving, trusting relationship with my kids, and that is how our monitoring relationship goes.
When something I find concerns me, I tell my son that. It's nearly always either a misunderstanding or a social nuance that I've had experience with and he hasn't. That's what good parents do. They communicate with their children and guide them. They trust them, but monitor their interactions with the larger world because the larger world cannot be trusted.
"Teenagers do not seem to have this skill, indeed many adults do not. That is why parents have to sit beside their kids while they are on the internet. That is what I do with my kids."
There are always people who can't handle new forms of social interaction, and I am sure there are limited situations where some teens may need this level of supervision. It definitely would have made my life and problems much worse.
However, speaking as someone who was bullied in school and who kept sane in high school through my internet contacts, we always need to remember that most teenagers will not have this horrible problem with the internet. Will someone send them a hateful email? Probably. Will they kill themselves over it? Probably not.
There are thousands and thousands of young people on the internet right now. They bring the physical-world problem of bullying with them, but teens are bullied and emotionally manipulated in "real life" just as much, if not more than, online. It's still more dangerous to let your sixteen year old drive a car.
Granted that these people are utter scum and that this is a tragedy, it is not the fault of the internet, and this story gains its media-viability because it helps reinforce the concept of the internet as a nasty, dangerous, creep-filled place--Not like real life! Not like your quiet street where all your neighbors are good people!
My emails are personal. My Livejournal is personal. My myspace is bloody fucking personal. You say you are an advid user of the internet. So would you appericate if your parents waltzed into your house, went to your computer, and installed spyware so they could see every single thing you do? Or hell, let's just say your husband/boyfriend. Or your best friend. Would you appericate that because they were just trying to "protect" you?
Sorry, kiddo. There's a difference between adults and children. That's why there are different laws that apply to them.
Childhood is an apprenticeship. You do what your parents tell you and learn what they're trying to teach you(unless they're evil and abusive), and you realize that it's not because they always know better, but because they're ultimately the ones responsible for YOUR life until you're grown. Then you get a job, move out at 18 and make your own decisions for your life.
At least, that's how I did it, and it's how I expect my kid to do it.
I wasn't really bullied by guys, since I didn't realize it at the time, but I'm actually rather large and imposing.
Girls, however, really liked to pick on me. I dealt with it the only way I knew--by ignoring them. All of them.
Forever.
I'm entirely unable to actually relate to women at all now, even twenty years later.
You want your kid to stay away from MySpace: teach 'em how to put together a proper website. I can't look at that crap for more'n a minute or my eyes bleed.
Too much to say for a comments thread, so I wrote a response at my place. Thanks for writing about this, Liss.
This has to be one of the most fucked-up news items I'd read in a while.
These people *are* sociopaths.
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