Your turn:
Hee! I DO want the actual MacGyver!
And seriously, you have every right not to want to be involved with a man (god, is he even a man at that point?) who has never left the comfort of his parents' home.
It begs the question- so why were you even dating him in the first place? Did you not know about his "situation" until now? Was it his mom that told you he wanted to get married and have 3 kids with you?
I have to fight Heather for MacGyver? She's so gonna win that one...
Anyway, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. I have no idea how long you've been seeing him, but if you're not into him within the first month or so, all the niceness and sweetness won't change that. Much.
I'm (slowly) learning from my own mistakes on this one. With the last guy I dated, I hoped I'd feel for him what he did for me. I finally started to feel a little bit more for him, just about the time he was tired of waiting.
As far as the living at home thing. If you told/tell him that's you're biggest concern. And if it is. Tell him you just can't see yourself dating someone who still lives at home. If that changes, maybe you'd reconsider... but maybe not.
But I do agree completely that NEVER leaving home is very, very strange. And know many women that wouldn't even consider a second date with a guy who hadn't at least lived in a dorm for nine months before realizing he couldn't (or just didn't want to) do anything for himself.
i have never know a guy who lived at home after college for longer than 2 years. Never. Ever.
I think you mentioned this guy before right? Context is important in assessing his plans for marriage and kids with you in 5 years. How long you been with this guy?
Even if you feel that way you have to be very careful about when you reveal something like that. In this instance a good idea? Right after you told him you were not into it?
Not so much.
And as far as a guy having his shit together and getting shit done its absolutely necessary. A man pulls his own weight....financially, emotionally, sexually. This is what being a man is all about. This is what every great Dad teaches his son to be.
From the sound of this your doubts are well founded.
And i didn't mention the Red Sox.
-Senator
I agree with you 100%! My 2 cents: Don't feel bad about being honest. Don't settle and don't waste your time or his if it is just not there! Tough love, but good in the long run.
I say it's not likely he'd SURVIVE Survivor. And, if he roots for the wrong team, it's Obviously. All. Wrong.
5 year plan is to get married...how bout slowin down buddy and gettin out of the folks basement, should probably take a year or two...why have MacGyver when you can have MacGruber!!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=1q9n5...related&
search=
Srry couldn't resist...
While I generally agree with the direction here & much of the tenor of the remarks, still there's something that needs to be said.
Fist off if you're not feeling it, you just not feeling it. I agree with RG, you might tell him a bit about your concerns, and it may just help him for the next time. We do want that learning curve, in everyone. It's for the greater good of the species. (No, really).
All the 'man-up' stuff really needs to be informed better by reality. Start here with Tamara Draut's excellent book: "STRAPPED: Why America's 20- and 30-Somethings Can't Get Ahead", Tamara Draut (Doubleday 2006).
Simply put, this generation of 30 somethings is doing worse off economically than their parents did at about the same time in their lives. There are many complicated & uncomplicated reasons for this, mostly economic, some not. So Yes, on an inflation adjusted scale, you're now making typically Less now than your dad did 20-25 yo if your a guy. To put that into some perspective, that's not happened in America since the Great Depression of the 1930's.
What does this mean for you? It means you're wildly More likely to come across guys who are still living at home in order to 'save' for housing/schooling etc. They're usually not kidding. They're careful planners, and can be perfectly sweet guys, but big earners they're not. I just happen to know a few of them too.
Many of these guys are perfectly capable emotionally, physically and even (eventually) financially for marriage. Typically they're probably not all 'mamma's boys', but they work very long hours in jobs that are fairly demanding if not well paid. That might describe any number of sexy, smart, & serious gals I know too. Somehow though they are Less likely to live at home, probably for various social reasons more than anything else. But the Census tells the tale, something like 15-25% of all unmarried males between the ages of 25-35 are still living with their parents. To an older generation, that certainly does sound a bit creepy. It sounds fairly strange in a 36 YO. I have a bro who was still mainly living at home when he was 31. He just got married at 42 for the first time too.
So it does happen, and it's happening more today than it has probably in 70-80 years, and we're going to have to get used to it possibly in the future too.
This still does not say much about what you're feeling for the guy, and that's a personal thing. But you really should mention it to him so he's clued in for the next time he gets close to a female. It just might help in the long run. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
I Ain't Settlin' . . .
There is actually rabbinical wisdom on this for the guys -- Hasten to buy property, but choose carefully when finding a wife. Is this guy scoping out real estate? Does he have a decent job or career plan for himself? Does he know how to use realtor.com?
Thinking about myself . . . I got a job out of town. Then I went to grad school. Then I came home, but my first job didn't work out, so I ended up living with my parents for longer than I had planned.
Which reminds me -- Does this guy's parents charge him rent? Mine did!
So I got a new job, and moved out from my parents after six months, and then bought my first house six months after that. I was 27. OK, so DC is not as crazy price wise as New York is, BUT STILL!
Admittedly, it still took me eight years to get married.
So what does he want to do, buy a house free and clear?
Ari, time to find a man. Maybe this mama's boy needs a dope slap.
Sounds like you are dating Boo Radley. I agree with Magen.
Also, I agree with you...how long do you need to save for a house? I think that is a bullshit excuse people have been letting him use for 15 years. I don't buy it.
Boo Radley? Please people. For some more on the very real economics of all this see here: [http://www.demos.org/page448.cfm] and here for a start: [http://www.epi.org] See EPI's excellent SWA 2006-07 Report, or just read some of their reports & analyzes available on the website. BTW: In the NYC area, even with housing in a free fall and literally the worst market since WW11, you still need about a min. of 3-400K for even simple (1200sq ft+) accommodations).
I don't know the personal situation here, the guy's personality or what he does, or how & where he works. I do know plenty of 'middle class' city kids who had to work their way though City College while living at home, who later became teachers, professors, doctors, lawyers & judges. Granted, this is probably somehow seemingly unlikely for this bloke, and my examples come from a prior generation. But even a middling accountant can make a fair living, and if he manages to wash out the creep factor with the 'still at home' ickiness, he might even be able to find a mate. It can happen. It's just unlikely to happen with you. There's no harm in this realization.
Just recognize that there's a reason why some guys are unmarried at 35+. Sometimes, (rarely actually) it's a bone fide Boo problem. Sometimes not. Sometimes it's just a driven & reasonably successful guy who's thrifty and has been 'married to his work' for years. My bro lived at home until his parents passed, finally established a thriving health care practice, and then first started to seriously date in his mid 30's. It took until 42 for him to find someone willing to take him. And yes, he always was the mamma's boy! I guess the only thing that saved him from that (well only partially I guess) was that momma was gone. Just some thoughts. Cheers, 'VJ'
Oh please. It is not difficult to pay one's own rent. You can live in any borough outside Manhattan on a $30k salary. The problem is that men and women of this generation think they are entitled to a lifestyle that they cannot afford. If you budget properly and within your own means, you can live on your own or at least with a roommate. If you choose to live with your parents a couple years out of college until you get on your own feet, fine. But 36, nfw. There's always going to be another excuse, but at the end of the day, you need to grow up on your own.
i dont know.
most of my friends from college are making more money than there parents did. im in that group too.
but really i dont think this is as much a financial issue as a planning and having a goal thing. if i lived at home with my parents i would have a definite plan to get out in a set time frame and it would not be longer than one year. i would eat hot dogs and stay in for that year if it meant i could get out in the world.
and yes its very easy to get roommates and rent an apt and its cheap. i made 35-50K a year for my twenties and managed to pay rent, drive a car and still have a little left over for a social life and i live in boston...not exactly a cheap area.
i mean teachers and other low income professionals rent and buy real estate.
but i digress. i think this issues been beaten to death.
Wait... let me get this straight... you actually went on a second and subsequent date(s)? You? Really? Really??
As for (some of) the other commentators... rabbinic precedent? gen-y'ers are less capable? Oh please! Food, Sex, Shelter... get out and get a damn life... who gives a flying fart if you can afford the presidential suite of the old ae home 'cus ya scrimped and saved and got yourself all situated?
Dude needs to man the fuck up.
Ari: Ya shoulda fired his ass way back. Cute Shmoot -- pansies are for planting, not dating! Your grades are slipping. This behavior is not acceptable. Please adjust your attitude before this goes on your permanent record.
If I was still at home at 36, I'd BE that creepy guy...although I'm not too fond of McCall's. More of a Better Homes and Gardens kinda guy.
You did the right thing ending it when you did. If he saw the two of you married already, then prolonging it would have been worse.
Uh...did I mention I wired up three ceiling fans in my house? Just sayin'. 
More creepy Econ stuff via the NYT; 'Putting money on the Table':
[http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/23/fashion/
23whopays.html?_r=2&n=Top%2fReference%2fTimes%
20Topics%2fSubjects%2fD%2fDating%20%28Social%29&
oref=slogin&oref=slogin]
Cheers, 'VJ'
You don't like him. That's it. If you liked him and he lived at home, it wouldn't even faze you.
Ari, I married one like this. While we were dating, he was the sweetest man alive. Also gave me the excuse that he lived at home to save money. At the time I thought his kindness and thoughtfulness should be more important than the "shallow" things like money and career prestige. Boy, was I wrong. After he moved in with me when we married, suddenly he didn't have any money to go out or pay bills anymore. I found expensive new items hidden all over my apartment. Ten weeks into the marriage, I discovered that he had lost every job he'd ever had (he was 34) to shoplifting. He was really only making $6.75 an hour and had in fact STOLEN MY ENGAGEMENT AND WEDDING RINGS. The point is, no self-respecting man with nothing to hide lives with his parents all the way from childhood through his mid-30s. There is something WRONG. Good thing you bailed now, before disaster struck.
Again, I think Karol has the bottom line here, and I agree. If it was there, or even anywhere near it, it might have been (or seemed different). 'Been there' has some solid points on avoiding the Boo problem too. It can be obvious or somehow less so, and con men can be very appealing in their own way.
The mainly economic 'stuff I'm speaking to may help someone with the next guy out there. For those not following along at home the take away message on that NYT article cited above was this: [Citing a recent Queens College economic survey of NYC by Andrew Beveridge using Census data] "The median income of women age 21 to 30 in New York who are employed full time was 17 percent higher than that of comparable men".
Ergo you're now actually More likely to make more than the average guy your age in NYC. Now everyone and his mother is after those magical 'above average' guys. There's not a whole lot of them to go around and they're seemingly in high demand. So yes, proportionally more of the guys this age will live at home. Not all of these are automatically 'losers'. It may bear some further investigation if you think it might be at all serious. A smaller proportion of them may be fairly successful, but more of these will tend to have the 'mommy issues'. (That's just a personal observation).
A stolen wedding & engagement ring is a stirring testament to love. You just don't want that testimony to be required too soon later in a court of law. So yes, it always pays to be cautious. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
Found your blog thru This Fish. Love it. I dated and ended up marrying a momma's boy - youngest and only boy of 5 sisters. Great family, once we got married - never wanted to do anything but hoard money. Always complained when I would spend money and I too work full time.
I couldn't stand the constent over the shoulder when I wanted to go shopping or fix up the house. It drove us apart along with other issues.
We had no debt other then our house. He lived at home until after we got back from our honeymoon. We are now divorced. However, he gave me a great son!!
I am now dating a guy who is throughly domesticed and I couldn't ask for anything more. He's helpful and loves to do things within our spending means. I finally feel alive again.
Good luck in the finding "the one." However, there is never any rush. 
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