Antheia-
You are so unbelieveably brave. Thank you for that post. It is haunting and beautifully written. You have gift and the power to speak for other women who silently and quietly suffer.
You are, quite simply, one of my heroes.
--Aspazia
Uncle Ben said it;
Is it apporpriate to ask what if anything happened to matt?
Uncle Ben-
An appropriate question, however, I regret that I don't have a very noble answer to it. I delve into this quite a bit in the rest of my paper..... I confided in my mother about my rape, to which she claimed was not really rape..... that there was something I must have done, said, etc. to make Matt feel that his actions were justified. A case of poor education on her part which she passed on to me. As a result of our conversation, I did not report my rape to the police, and didn't go to the hospital until a few months later to be tested for STDs etc. I think that's why I feel that it's important for me to speak to other women, and perhaps why I find my speaking to be cathartic. However, I am plagued by the fact that I didn't report my abuse, I think about the fact that he may have abused other women etc. His family still lives down the street from my own, and I still see him occasionally while home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but we have not spoken to one another since that day.
Aspazia-
What else to say except thank you. Truly humbled and flattered ma'am.
Antheia-
thank you.
You never cease to amaze me with the truth, beauty, and complete understanding you have within you. I don't know what else to say. (On a different note, I finally learned how to comment)
this is outstanding. You not only pinpointed the precise evolution of coping with it, you eloquently showed the transformation that rape brings. Absolutely outstanding. I thank you.
Thank you for this beautiful post, for naming your experience, for sharing it, for your eloquence, for the courage it takes to expose the trauma. Rape is devastating and most responses are re- traumatizing, and I applaud you for taking back public space.
Thank you for this.
Extradordinarily powerful and courageous writing.
Very powerful. Thanks for sharing this.
thank you
(o)
(This is a virtual pebble to let you know that someone stopped by and is thinking of you, even though I don't really have any specific thing to say. Except maybe thank you.)
The "get over it" is correct. I have been attacked (attempted mugging). As a man I'm able to defend myself. I also felt like a piece of shit after the attacks. It is about power.
Both attacks were groups of black men. I haven't felt anger in terms of racism. I think the group aspect is 100% about power. Women have often been gang raped. There are men out there who need other men to help them with their violence in order to feel secure.
Well done for giving public voice to this personal but highly political and therefore public issue.
You said " I have been taught to fear potential sexual violence and therefore fear my sexuality. I am a woman living in a society that condemns women for being sexual, yet still denounces them if they’re not sexual".
I recognise this in myself, but was not able to articulate, so thanks for helping me understand it.
I grew up fearing rape and believing it was about sex and that led to my low sexual confidence. This in turn led to me being easy to exploit sexually and having three or four relationships with men who became violent at times, and being date-raped (saying no part way through didn't stop him).
I now still have trouble being confident with my sexuality, but it is getting easier and having read this, I know that my oppression causes it. I need to stop internalising it if I can (a constant challenge).
I appreciate the sense of solidarity I get from you and other women who are open about their experiences, despite the risk.
Much love and respect....
Whew. Thank you all for sharing your stories here, and for offering me your incredible words of encouragement! I wasn't sure whether or not it was a good idea to post this piece, and I went back and forth with it for a few weeks before deciding to. I'm awe stricken, and empowered by the positive responses that I've received to the piece. I thank you.
Although it's hard to read, I think we need more openness in this area and more sharing of experiences of sexual abuse. There is still an incitement to silence for women. People don't want to hear about it and women are encouraged to be afraid of talking about it, for all sorts of reasons. The possibility of being stigmatised and/or identified as just a "Victim" is deployed to keep women conveniently quiet. We need to talk more.
Thank you for writing something very important and meaningful.
Le'ts try again with the correct URL.
Thank you for writing something very important and meaningful.
I am sad for you that you cannot get over this action. I was hoping to find something worthwhile to help others move on but I can see that feminism has kept you hurting as it does many women.
I saw this sort of behaviour after the war where many of my friends fathers were never the same again once they returned.
But then I had a grandfather and there were also other men that lived life to the fullest. They are my role models and so are the women that were continuously raped in the war. They found a way to keep their power and not give it away which allowed them to not be a victim. They are the stories we need to hear more of and not those who don't survive.
I say don't because can't is a selfish act. Yes, you can for it has been done many times before.
I hope one day you are able to put this in the past where it belongs.
Oh, and by the way I too have been in a situation exactly the same as yours. And in many cases worse but I refuse to be a victim.
Two things...to Julie, you are still a victim. You are holding your anger and have a way to go. Sit alone and remember. Tell me you do not cry.
To Antheia...you are a brave a smart woman. You are right. I was a victim in 1995. Twice, by two different men. One my boyfriend (I was a virgin) and 7mo. later by a friend. I still cry when the thoughts catch me off guard. I am a 30 year old mother of 3. I am twice divorced. I am also a survivor of domestic violence. Life goes on, but it still hurts. Every day I try to teach my kids what not to be. Thank you for you story.
It is utter viloation. You feel as if your life has utterly sunk. It is not your fault yet the world treats you different as if it was. Bull shit. Embrace god in all his glory and realize the abuser was once the abuse. Only excepting what happened- acepting it and letting it go. Forgiving the retard as much as you can. Make good friends, get out there find a solution to woes, join a class where you are physical. Go back to the life that you have and talk it out when you can. If you feel like shit work through it and realize the beauty in the world. We only have the moment and then the moment is gone. Yes , my case was not so bad
I loved the guy who did it. But the abuse the sadness that he put towards me was volitile and sometimes when I think about it I just want to puck. I know for a fact you can get over it within four months. Shit happens, it is just the view point that matters. Get out there
volunteer, cry play and be happy. If you try to get even then you are just as much of loser as he is!
Some comments and questions:
and I applaud you for taking back public space.
I'm not sure what this means. Could someone elaborate?
As a man I'm able to defend myself.
Are you saying that women aren't? If so, then you've obviously never sparred with a woman before. The comment about the group is worth noting. People will do things when a gang mentality takes over that they would never otherwise do.
and realize the abuser was once the abuse.
I'm not sure what is meant by that phrase either. If it was intended to be "abused" and not "abuse" that makes a lot more sense. However, it does not necessarily follow. Cycles of abuse are common, but there are people who do atrocious things having never been abused themselves.
The sentiment of Anonymous' post was certainly worthwhile.
My hats off to those able to express and say it well. I too have come far only to realize that what no one wants to accept is that without warning traumatic memories will/are able to recall the event/s at any time. My focus is the healing we strive for, for ourselves individually and collectively. I studied Psychology, Sociology and even Criminology. In all my young wisdom and through all my research and through many political debate...here is what it boils down to for me...We can strive to acheive the seemingly impossible...We don't know the exact cause for life, We simply live trying to find the answer...In the aging it is amazing what the mind recalls...Tibetan buddhist monks regard life for all creatures...We should listen and take lessons from others and never turn a blind eye to Justice or lose an ear like VanGough...each one of us as humans possess the ability to make miracles happen if we use our determination and strength to get back up after such event/s or recalls/flashbacks. LOVE THYSELF!!!
p.s. - I know this is cliche...however try to absorb this and apply it to and for your own personal being....United we stand.Divided we fall. please use what you can for the benefit of good..I hope it may help. Pain is what we (each of us individually) make of it...our interpretations...and it is quite real and if given the opportunity it may wreak havoc in our lives. SEE PAST OURSELVES AND REFLECT TO AID IN OTHERS. love and strength of will to all of you.
I was glad to find this... to find you. Because I think about it almost every day and it has been years... it doesn't go away, I dont "get over it," or "learn to live with it," or any of the other bullshit that people ask me. It is my life. it is always there, and I am always trying to figure it out, figure myself out and how I live with it. Thank you.
I didn't believe it -that there are so many other people who have had the same symptoms(from men and their inabilility to control themselves) that I have had , and still have. My boyfriend told me to get help and that nothing I've experienced is that unique. I hate it . I hate reading what you all have written, I hate the way I feel, I hate what I let it do to me, and I hate that I didn't realize that it affected me so deeply. I don't want help, I don't want to need help, and I wish I could just forget it and make it all go away.Can't we just make it go away?
I just wanted to say thank you. I'm having a hard time with staying in college and with the added unsupport from my parents who think- It happened 4 yrs ago and everythiing should be better now- it's just been really hard. I'm starting to feel ashamed and pathetic. I just wanted to say, while still in tears, thank you for what you wrote.
I too have been raped. I am 24, from Australia. I did not realize how much it would effect me. I think it helps to read other's experiences. So thanks to you all for talking about it. I have also been struck by some other womens' apparent non-belief or thinking that it was somehow my fault for letting it happen to me. Asahmedly, before it happened to me, I myself was one of these "skeptics". Even some of the men I know have accepted my story better than some of the women. Maybe this is because men know what some men are capable of(?)
I was raped last year, and I haven't even come close to moving on. I feel like it happened last night and I told nobody except my teacher. I tried to commit suicide quite a few times actually and I want nothing more than to just make this feeling go away. I feel like my emotions are eating me alive and there's nothing I can do about it. Talking to my teacher was hard enough and I just can't bare doing it again. I cry myself to sleep every single night and I just want that to stop, and as much as I try, I can't stop it. Your story has motivated me so much and showed me that I'm not the only one who's suffering a great deal. Thank you ...
I was raped last year, and I haven't even come close to moving on. I feel like it happened last night and I told nobody except my teacher. I tried to commit suicide quite a few times actually and I want nothing more than to just make this feeling go away. I feel like my emotions are eating me alive and there's nothing I can do about it. Talking to my teacher was hard enough and I just can't bare doing it again. I cry myself to sleep every single night and I just want that to stop, and as much as I try, I can't stop it. Your story has motivated me so much and showed me that I'm not the only one who's suffering a great deal. Thank you ..
When I was 12, I was raped. It was the stereotypical "young girl gets attacked in a dark alley by a stranger" scenario. It took me a year to tell even one person, something I thought would serve as the first step to "getting over it."
I am now 19 years old, and after almost 7 years I find myself still waking up in tears from that same exact nightmare. Today, I googled "How long does it take to get over rape?" A silly, daft question, I know. But I was hoping to find something helpful, perhaps others like me, people coping with the same emotions and nightmares that I am. Finding you and your story was better than anything I could have imagined. Somebody who has also uttered the false statement, "yeah, it was horrible, but I'm ok now." Somebody who has been affected for years by something that was only about 10 minutes long. Somebody that understands the consuming fear and pain that most people (thankfully) will never understand. Your bravery and heartfelt account have given me strength. We may never be over what has happened to us. It is part of our lives. But at least we have each other, and others out there that can sympathize and relate to our daily struggle. And who knows? Maybe the nightmares will stop eventually.
i was 4 when i was raped i am now 16. i still thing about it and dream about. he still haunts me almost everyday. i cant stnd the thought of being asked when i got over my rape. that is something you never get over. i stays with you still you die. i mean you may not think about it as much but its still with you. i always get told to forgive hime for what he did to me and then ill find closur. but i could never forgive the guy the guy that did it. it was my bests faher and it happened to both of us. i am ooking for someone to talk to and i wished that if you did not mind that you could email me sometime i could use someone older to talk to about this. im only 16 years old and i still get haunted by something that happened to me 12 years ago.
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