HAPPY B-DAY!!!
Happy Birthday Spaz! Sorry I didn't catch up with you in g'burg last weekend. Going to try again this weekend though so hopefully will meet the little rug rat soon.
But on the subject of your post... starting over is something that I became very familiar with in the last couple years. It takes time to get through it. But for myself, the process, though sometimes challenging, has been enlightening and rewarding in ways that I would never have imagined.
Being faced with uncertainty forces you to challenge yourself and become more than you are. I know that you will not only be able to integrate those new identities, but that you'll thrive in them.
Happy Birthday!
and I couldn't agree more with the final lines of Jamie.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPAZ!!!!!! I'm going to echo what Jamie has already said! I have zero doubt that given the time to settle in, you'll find that balance in your life and you will excel!
Happy Birthday!!
Happy Birthday!!!! (you don't look your age....the technician--nurse?--probably had access to your chart)
Having seen you go through plenty of resurrections and emerge stronger, more vibrant, and more grounded than before, I have no doubt you will discover just the right way to nuture Maddie and your self (professional or otherwise) at the same time.
Congratulatory regards and salutations on this day.
Happy Birthday! Why am I not surprised that you'r a Leo? 
In time you will learn that it is impossible to do all and do all well. You will learn to establish your priorities. Very unfortunately, and I mean very, I have had to work to provide for my children. Circumstances in our lives did not allow any other option. My children are my top priority: not me; not my job; not my self esteem/identity - just being there...day in...and day out. I am proud of the fact that my identity is comprised mainly BECAUSE OF MY CHILDREN. Before you know it, your child will be grown. By your comments above, you assume Maddie would not be proud of you if you did not work outside the home. Think again my dear. Far too many children today are "nutured" by absent parents.
Happy Birthday!
I clearly have no grounds for offering advice here, but I am certain that you will be able to bring together your three "identities."
Momof2--
My children are my top priority: not me; not my job; not my self esteem/identity - just being there...day in...and day out. I am proud of the fact that my identity is comprised mainly BECAUSE OF MY CHILDREN.
This is where we differ in outlook. I want to balance these priorities. My daughter is precious to me and a top priority as well. But, making my child a priority should not be mutually exclusive with enjoying my job and other parts of my identity.
For my part, I don't want to model that kind of motherhood to my children, wherein the message is to subvert all other parts of me to the needs of them. I think it is important for Maddie to see me enjoy my career and my exchange with the large world outside. I want Maddie to be engaged in that world as well someday.
Finally, there are lots of positions between being totally present to your children and being totally absent. I am seeking balance. I have a career that will help me find that balance.
Happy happy birthday!
I wish I had a more definite opinion on the stay-at-home vs working "debate." to me it seems simple, a personal choice, but it's inevitably become so politicized.
--silvia
But, making my child a priority should not be mutually exclusive with enjoying my job and other parts of my identity.
I've often wondered as to whether that is really a dilemma or if it's more a matter of people crafting such a dilemma on their own. It does seem odd that it would be mutually exclusive, but not having a child I can only speculate. And we all know that speculation is the root of all evil.
Happy Belated, Jenny. I just wanted to say that I'm really happy for you. All these changes are clearly challenges as well, but I really can't think of someone better suited to take them on, and I can't imagine anything but success. You, Za, and Mads are going to do better than "just fine." 
my identity is comprised mainly BECAUSE OF MY CHILDREN. Before you know it, your child will be grown.
And of what will your identity then be composed?
Irony, she is dead.
Hecate,
I'm not very bright - but I'm betting there was an identity there prior to arrival of Momof2's children.
justme
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Well you certainly get to look forward to being referred to as Maddie's Mom or Mrs. Spaz by her friends and teachers.
As long as you and your spouse understand your desire to continue professionally, and you both have a consistent plan for raising Maddie, the rest will be easy.
I've always supported my wife's volunteer efforts and adjusted my schedule around them and her businesses needs. It just requires a little communication.
I had identity prior to my children. I have identity now. I will have identity when they are grown. My identity is not a job, not my children, not any one individual thing. I am all of this. I don't try to spend any time focusing on MYSELF and what MY IDENTITY may or may not be once my kids are grown. Honestly, I'm more concerned with them than I am with myself so you know...I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I do enjoy many things besides my children, but again, I'm talking about my #1 priority. I do work full time. BALANCE is impossible. Sure, you can try, but you will not succeed and you especially will not excel in any one thing (or, if you do, you have neglected something else). It's sad, to me, that you state that children are "one of your top priorities". My children are my top priority...period. I have no idea about you or your circumstances. I am speaking generally and of my opinion. My children are almost grown now and if I had it to do all over again I would do whatever I could to be sure to be present and available for every single thing/event/function they ever needed me for. Nothing ever tore my heart out as much as having to leave my children in daycare while I worked. It's not natural. Teenagers need us even more. What I wouldn't give to have the option to stay home and be there daily as my children come home from school. What I wouldn't give to have the house clean, their dinner cooked, all clothes washed, dried, folded and put away. I'm not trying to insult you. I do understand that after our children grow and go, we will be left with ??? I believe in a higher power who has all of that in control.
While I don't intend to be critical of Momof2, I think I have always tried to get my wife to do more away from the kids. Yes, she gets them off to school with their lunch and having had breakfast. Makes sure that they have whatever they need to function at school that day and buys their clothes, etc. However, right now she is going stir crazy trying to entertain them during the summer. Yes, if you decide to have children, you need to make them a top priority.
However, the 1950's version of the nuclear family doesn't exist, nor do I think it is even practical in todays society. My wife didn't go to college to be a stay at home mom/subordinate wife. She is making the sacrifice to stay at home with our children until they reach an age of sufficient responsibility or she can locate a job with flexible hours and is intellectually stimulating.
I think it is possible to for a woman to balance children, spouse and career. My mother did it and she is one of the hardest working people I know.
What did your wife go to college for? To provide for you? The children? Did she imagine that she would have the perfect career and start a family? Did she think that gaining an education at that time would be a detriment to her if she does not work in her chosen field until her children are grown? Will she forget how to learn later in life? Sadly, most folks do not consider the need to be a parent. Sadly, folks, especially self-centered ones, feel they are "not stimulated enough", etc. because they have made a decision to parent their children. The 1950's version of the nuclear family may not exist in today's society; however, perhaps it or something similar should. When did staying at home to parent your children become equal to a "subordinate wife"? Why is child rearing seemingly a dishonor to so many women? Your mother may have been a hard working woman -- as I and many others are too. I'd be willing to bet that if I spoke to her, deeply and to the heart, she too would have to admit that she didn't have time or energy to do it all WELL.
I think you are a man and you have absolutely no idea what it takes for a woman to balance any of this. Balance is impossible. As I said before, you can do it all, you just can't do it all good. Given the option, I'd pick focusing on my children above all else. It is amazing how fast the time has gone ... the children will soon be grown ... and I'll have all the time and energy I need to do for myself.
More sadness overcomes me when I re-read your statement "she is making the sacrifice to stay home...". Sacrifice? And going stir crazy? That's just part of being a parent and it doesn't take a job outside the home to break up the monotony.
However, the 1950's version of the nuclear family doesn't exist, nor do I think it is even practical in todays society.
The 1905's nuclear family didn't exist at the time, much less now. At least, it didn't exist as depicted in popular media. That ideal certainly wasn't the norm, even if it ever has been achieved.
The 1950's version of the nuclear family may not exist in today's society; however, perhaps it or something similar should.
The ideal is certainly something to which we ought aspire. But ought implies can, and so the question is: can it even be done? An additional question would be: is that particular ideal the one to look at for inspiration? Is it the real goal?
Some people simply can't be satisfied being solely a parent. They need something else. And it's not that they have ill will towards their child or children, but that as a person they require something else in order to be happy. This is precisely what Aspazia is talking about. "Mother" is not the only designator that she requires. "Mother" and "Wife" are not the only two she requires. Something else is needed, otherwise she is not a whole and complete individual. It's not a judgment call either way. You are not somehow inferior, bad, etc., for being content and happy strictly as "mother", and she is not inferior or bad, etc., for needing something else.
I think you are a man and you have absolutely no idea what it takes for a woman to balance any of this.
There are no single fathers in the world? I actually know a single father. There are no stay-at-home fathers? I beg to differ. Sure, men can't know how it is to be a woman doing anything, playing any role, etc., but that hardly seems important in this discussion.
That's just part of being a parent and it doesn't take a job outside the home to break up the monotony.
Merely and/or solely breaking up the monotony does not seem to be the point.
Sadly, folks, especially self-centered ones, feel they are "not stimulated enough", etc. because they have made a decision to parent their children.
You're edging towards name calling here, and we should nip this in the bud before it deteriorates.
Given the option, I'd pick focusing on my children above all else.
Key phrasing here being, given the option.
As I said before, you can do it all, you just can't do it all good.
This is precisely a point that has been made before. You're saying, you can't be a good parent, because of X, Y, and Z. This is what creates an A or (exclusive usage of "or") B distinction. And this is what gets parents yelling at one another, as opposed to having a meaningful and beneficial discussion. To use pop-psychology lingo, we need to be speaking to one another and not at one another if we're going to be productive.
Might I point out how sad it is to have me of all possible persons policing a discussion?
Commenting by HaloScan
