I've rarely seen an example of a woman so desperate to dissociate herself from the stigma of rape, so willing to engage in such pitiable semantic gymnastics to redefine a rape as something else, so clearly resolved to the notion that to admit victimization is to admit weakness.
Redefining a term to give it a non-standard definition in order to take an empirical statement (You were not raped) that has been falsified and turn it into a statement that is true by definition (You were not "raped") is a classic example of what we call the fallacy of question-begging definition.
That *is* truly disturbing and yet psychologically interesting. I'm wondering if the desire to call rape "not rape or gray rape" (ugh) involves the ongoing desire to believe one has control over one's life. If I can deny to myself that I was violated against my consent, then I can believe that I really kinda had a say in what happened to me. Then I can blame myself for being stupid or getting drunk (and even still be a little mad at the "jerk"--note: not RAPIST--for being insensitive or rude or something). If it's my own fault, then I can prevent it the next time. Kind of like a variation on where women blame rape victims because they need to believe they can prevent themselves from being raped.
I'm not being totally coherent, I know. But my gut instinct is that there is something so psychologically frightening in admitting that one was totally overwhelmed and helpless that it becomes more appealling, however twisted, to say "I didn't like what happened, but it wasn't rape."
Can't it also be that the woman did not find it as traumatic as people expect rape to be? You guys are all reading it as denial, and maybe it is.
But what if, for her, it was not a big deal, bad, she 'felt nothing'? Let us still call it rape, since it was sex w/o consent.
I know people can play mind games with themselves and others, but doesn't the person telling you how they feel and what they think deserve prima facie dibs on how they feel and what they think? Don't we have to have some input from her that makes us think she is in denial? More than just that is not how we would feel, or whatever?
Thank you for the link, Aspazia. 
To use a term like "gray rape" for situations that are clearly and unambiguously nonconsenting, is not helpful. The term "gray rape" gives the reader an expectation that there is some ambiguity in the situation that simply isn't there. Perhaps there are other situations which better deserve the term, in which case the use of "gray" in this type of case obscures those cases as well.
I almost think this is a devious tactic precisely to elicit the response, "there is no such thing as gray rape," a response which can be made to look "extreme" and "dogmatic" to people who are not paying attention to the specifics of the case. In other words there is a framing trap being used against feminists here, to make them look extreme. The framing trap plays upon stereotypes of feminists -- stereotypes which are a simplification of a complex history. And the framing trap relies upon a very understandable reflex in many of us against intolerant extremism of all kinds. But of course by calling this particular type of predatory, exploitative behavior "gray rape" rather than "rape" there is either an attempt to normalize such behavior or (even more likely) to encourage a broader self-policing by women that limits their sexual expression and social freedom in general.
So I reiterate that there may be such a thing as gray cases, but that these aren't them. And that what we may be seeing here is a devious attempt, by basically conservative forces, to capture what might be called the moderate high ground, a pseudo-"golden mean" that is hardly golden and very mean.
heres a question: if the girl is black out drunk and doesn't remember but regrets it in the morning, is it rape? how about if the guy doesn't remember but regrets it, is this rape? or how about if both people are too drunk to remember everything, but it was clearly a mistake...are there shades of gray here?
Rape requires consent. If there is no consent, it is rape. What constitutes consent is the difficult part. Should it be verbal? Is body language good enough? Kissing back?
Regret is not trivial. If it is regret for sleeping with someone you don't like, that is one thing. If it is a deeper kind of regret, it might indicate that consent was not gotten.
i agree with the whole "gray rape" theory.. i had a confusing situation..
i had a boyfriend and went on a trip with my friends... i was hanging out with some guy alone after i had already had a lot to drink but in the conversations i remember, i had said things like "i wouldnt do anything with you, you've been with a lot of girls.." and calling him grimey and stuff like that.. when we were with everyone else he offered me his vodka and gave me an energy drink chaser.. i was on vacation, i was with my friends, and i wasnt passing up free alcohol so i drank it... i dont remember a thing and i found out 6 days later that it even happened.. how do i know if i consented to it? does it make it rape if he got me drunk and we had that conversation before i passed out? or if i flirted and consented to it, is he off the hook? and i was a virgin at the time of this so it's not like sleeping around is something i do..
How dare you people? Do you have ANY idea how much this article has helped people?!?!?!?!?! It is NOT putting in the minds of the victims that it was our fault, rather it's HELPING us understand that it's not our fault when we're ALREADY blaming ourselves.
You should actually be ashamed of yourselves for asuming you knew what it is like.
What constitutes consent is the difficult part.
I've never seen that to be a huge question. When in doubt, there is not consent. The very act of doubting indicates that it is not permissible. If there is any question for either party, then the consent cannot be assumed.
Now the "what" of that is a question, but generally the context will grant you readily enough if there is or is not a question about the activities.
If a guy has to ask, "Did I rape her?" Yes, he did. If a girl has to ask, "Does that qualify as rape?" Yes, it does.
if the girl is black out drunk and doesn't remember but regrets it in the morning, is it rape?
Yes. Black out drunk equals rape regardless of whether or not she regrets it later. She was not possessed of the ability to consent.
how about if the guy doesn't remember but regrets it, is this rape?
Yes. Of course it is.
or how about if both people are too drunk to remember everything, but it was clearly a mistake
Still rape.
...are there shades of gray here?
No. That's not even possible.
Its crazy. i recently was writing how i hate how gray it all is. should i forget or remember, was it my stupidity or his, was it my fault or was it..
the typical man jumps out of a bush and takes advantage of you at knifepoint... that is clear as day... black. two highschool sweethearts saying they love eachother and then akwardly boning.. thats clear as day too. white.
there is something to say about that middle ground. the 'was it my fault for being in that position' or 'was it his non-concern with the thoughts running through my mind'
i have a hard time admitting it. actually i havent admitted it at all. If i had said no strongly instead of meekly, if i had got up and walked away if i had made it more clear. instead i chose the path of least resistance i didnt want to cause a scene i didnt want to 'blue ball' him, i was a virgin and scared and fucking stupid. i cant blame it on alcohol, although i had been drinking. i didnt black out, i didnt wake up in the middle, i remember it all. and the entrie time i just let it happen. i feel like its my fault because how is he supposed to know what im thinking? is he a mind reader? should i expect him to be? i want to admit it, sometimes. it seems like it takes bravery to say it out loud. but then i think... if its not clear as day, if i wasnt kicking and screaming, people will just look at me like im a drama queen who likes the attention. so it can be whatever it is in my own mind. but when it comes to telling people about my first time, i am at a loss for words. the only thing that comes to mind is to make the gun to head motion with my hand. or turn it into a joke.
This is what I don't understand. There are women who insist on using the term "date rape" and are supportive of that term yet they are against the term "gray rape".
Rape is rape is rape. There should be no qualifiers. It doesn't matter if it happens on a date, or in a back alley, or after getting drunk at a frat party. It is wrong, and those who rape should be punished to the full extend if the law. And while we should definitely let people know that if they are on a date and have sex against their will that it is just as wrong as if it happened in a dark alley, i find it odd that some feminists are against the term "gray rape" but support the term "date rape" when both "qualify" the rape and no rape should be qualified.
Wow...this could be me. I found myself in almost the exact same situation about 13 years ago, as a college student. In my case, the guy had been drinking, and I'd been sleeping. He and I had sort of been seeing each other (but hadn't slept together). I was staying as a renter in a frat for a summer; he was a member of the frat. I forgot to lock my door for the night.
I found him in my bed and was confused by not alarmed, but was when he started trying to have sex with me. He did it, but it happened so quickly and I was half-asleep that I hardly knew what hit me. I kicked him out and had to put up with his smug looks for the rest of the summer.
Ironically, this was a frat that was applauded for its efforts against date rape. There was a poster up in the hallway that I passed each day as a PSA to the members about date rape being a crime. Talk about irony.
I wouldn't doubt if this guy had done this before. Another member of the frat (whom I didn't know before that summer) worked in the same building that I did at the time. I noticed that after this happened, this other guy started being much nicer to me, going out of his way to talk to me at work and when we ran into each other. He was never aggressive or tried anything on me. I think he just knew what had happened and felt bad about it.
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