I have never approached someone in a coffeeshop or bookstore, and I can't imagine a manner in which a male could approach me under those circumstances and not merely scare me away or creep me out.
Unless I were making extended eye contact with him first (I wouldn't), or following him around the store spying on him (no comment).
Anomie, we are two peas in a pod. I sometimes wish I had that ability to interact with strangers, but then I wouldn't be me. If I saw you though, I would totally say hi. I remember when I first learned about Goffman, one of my friends remarked that I interact with men entirely differently than I interact with women. With women, my body language is open and inviting, and I actually touch them on the arm and smile a lot, chirping happily about whatever topic. With men, I cross my arms over my chest, stand back, and become "analytical Belle" and start talking about Big Serious Topics. As if I felt I had something to prove. I responded "OMG, I have such Goffmanian anxiety!"
I spend about 25 minutes in the morning showering, blow-drying, dressing, and applying a bit of make up (any more and I would kill myself, any less and I would deal but probably have wet hair against my neck, which feels weird). Clearly, I like looking pretty, and I get a great deal of pleasure from wearing lovely dresses (might as well while I'm a student). But heaven forbid I be approached merely because I'm pretty! I'll prove to you that I'm smart, darn it! Look at the copy of Selznick on the table!
The point, though, is understanding and embracing the humanity, and agency, of the other person. In OvB's post, we don't know anything about the woman, except (a) she's attractive; (b) she's busy doing something; and (c) she made eye contact with him. What's missing here is the critical element: the look on her face after the first moment of eye contact. Did she acknowledge him in any way, and if so, was her acknowledgement inviting?
For all we know, she looked right through him, or maybe even recoiled. And did he acknowledge the eye contact? A small quick smile would've given her an opportunity to signal back -- nothing too aggressive, or he might spook her -- and pretty soon the decision whether to take the empty table and engage in conversation makes itself.
I think CC gets it exactly right. I wrote "Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do in these situations?" in my post, and that was a sincere question. I was uncertain that the eye contact meant anything, so at the same time as one voice egged me on, contending that coffee shops are known as meeting places, and prolonged eye contact might be considered an invitation, another argued it was awfully presumptuous of me to interpret the eye contact as an invitation to converse. She should, after all, be free to look where she wants without reeling in strange men in the process.
The first voice said to move forward despite my doubts, as a failure in this situation would not kill me, but then the second voice responded that my discomfort was not the only issue here, as in initiating an unwanted conversation I might be making her uncomfortable too.
So because I lacked CC's advanced social skills (i.e., just smile a bit), I backed away without seeking to clarify the nature of the situation.
CC is wise. I love CC's agency/humanity/acknowledgment thesis. That gets it exactly right.
I think I read in some women's magazine long, long ago back when I used to read them, that inviting someone to come over to talk involved four stages of social interaction: eye contact, looking away, looking back, and smiling. I suppose you could do without looking away if you didn't care about being coy. Man I hate women's magazines. And clearly they did nothing to better socialize my then-teenage self.
The problem is, everyone lacks CC's advanced social skills...
I've got it. Next time I'll approach and say:
"Excuse me, Miss. I am considering initiating a conversation with you in order to ascertain whether we have enough common experiences and values, as well as enough rapport, to sustain a relationship of either a friendly or a romantic nature. However, I feel that it would be imprudent of me to proceed along this course without first acknowledging both your humanity and your agency in this situation. That is, I'd like to make clear that I am aware that the eye contact that we just shared was entirely non-binding.
Now that I have made the preceding clear, would you like to converse with me about our experiences and values?"
That would totally work for me! Man, every guy should say that. Now that's an opening line.
While everyone lacks CC's advanced social skills, the nervous and twitchy and under-socialized academics of our society lack them to a greater degree. I can barely say hi to my neighbors.
I don't know- what CC says seems straight-forward to me. There are some situations that are better and some that are worse for approaching people but a coffee shop is usually an okay one. (Sometimes when I'm reading, though, I don't like people approaching me. "Got these books here I'm reading" I want to say.) What people fear, I think, is rejection. That's understandable, but like most of life if you don't risk anything (and really, it's very little risked) you'll not get anything, either. So, toughen up, be self-aware, and just talk to people if you want to. It's really not that hard.
I get spooked easily by being approached by strangers, but I agree that line of Otto's would totally work. Hypothetically speaking, anyway, seeing as how I'm married and all.
Commenting by HaloScan
