By the way, before y'all work yourselves up, you should know that although I am suicidal in the sense of wishing I could just quit and having a couple of ideas how to do it, I am manifestly not going to off myself. The non-depressed parts of my brain are functioning well enough to prevent that. So don't worry, I'm not going to act on it; I'm just trying to write about what it's like to feel this way.
Glad to hear it. Stay around - we love you.
I'm glad you're not actually going to off yourself, but I really, really hope that your depression eases up soon!
For the last week I cut my Wellbutrin intake by a third so I could hoard some pills for my upcoming transition from work back to grad school. (I didn't want to take a chance on having to go cold turkey if anything got screwed up with the change of health insurance.)
I'm not hitting suicidal depression -- instead I'm dropping things, both literally and figuratively. Losing concentraton, forgetting things -- but it was when my sister was handing me some photos last night, one at a time, and I dropped three in a row as she handed them over, that I realized that I was losing it.
This is just to say -- been there, felt that lack of feeling. Good luck, get better.
That all sounds gruesomely overwhelming, when taken as a list. I'd want to pull the covers over my head, too.
What if you just work on the op-ed piece that you're liking, and let the rest of it go hang, for now?
I suspect the last thing you need to worry about it being a crappy blogger, this week. We'll still be here when you get back.
...
...
...
good luck
Having spent the last week and a half struggling through writing my thesis proposal, while not having the motivation to actually read anything, I can empathise with not being able to focus. I hope you feel better soon!
I have a friend who swears by lots of fish oil (I forget which omega fatty acid exactly) if you're stuck with self-medicating, but I hope you get access to what you need.
I'm well-acquainted with the feeling of not being able to focus my mind...it IS weird, and frustrating. And people who've never experienced it tend to categorize it as veiled aggression, or malingering. Hope you feel better soon.
All I want to say is I hope you're ok, and take it easy. x
I have been right where you are, and I think the most important thing now is to get back on meds if you find they help at all. Depressive episodes tend to get worse each time you have them, which is why a lot of people are on meds pretty much constantly for years and years. I applaud the desire to be med free, but I also know that some forms of clinical depression are not responsive to anything else. Could you go see another doctor for meds, like your primary care physician? (Forgive me if you have covered this elsewhere). They are usually very willing to prescribe antidepressants, especially if you explain that your usual med doctor is on vacation. Regarding sleeping, I know that when I have a depressive episode, sleeping too much really, really contributes to it and makes it worse. Finding myself coming to consciousness and having the day be more than half over was like getting hit over the head before I was even awake: I felt I had lost the battle of the day before it had even started. Could Mr. B. get you up? I know the feelings you are describing so well and wish I could help you. You'll be on my mind! You might also add a few books about depression to your Amazon wish list: I find that reading self - help books, embarrassing as I find it, is also very comforting and soothing, and a lot of times they have good mental exercises and of course, case studies of people with similar stories (those always make me feel like less of a freak and more like someone with a conquerable problem). I'm sure that some of your readers would love to send you something practical to help lift the depression!
I have been there, and I have tried to get out. Permanently. Didn't work, thank goodness, but there you have it.
Here, little stressmonkey; have a banana!
Glad you've got a plan that doesn't seriously include a permanent way out.
Hi Dr.B. Much luck with your insurance, docs, self-medicating and possible meds. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help out, we love you!
An aside from my own life, I recently left my job and went out-of-state making cobra impossible. I applied for individual insurance and was told that I had to wait 3 months from last seeing a therapist to be approved. They had no problems with antidepressants, btw. I was livid when the "customer service rep" told me. Therapy is what smart people do to stay saner. Thankfully I was 3+ months out of therapy but WTF?! Meds are certainly important but are best when paired with therapy.
Anyway...I really hope things improve for you Dr.B. Take care.
And for those of you looking for a great book on depression, try "The Noonday Demon" by Andrew Solomon.
Oof. You poor thing. That's close to exactly how I'm feeling right now myself. Looking ahead to finishing the last 1/2 chapter of my dissertation this weekend is making me seriously consider just saying "Fuck it - I don't *really* need that PhD, do I?" Which is completely bonkers when I've invested this much time, energy, and money into the damn degree, I hate my current job past all hating, and the PhD is my best ticket to something better. But none of that seems to matter when I'm staring at the computer screen until drops of blood form on my forehead and STILL can't come up with a coherent sentence. Why my husband hasn't divorced me yet I'll never know. Anyway - didn't mean to dump extra stuff here, but just wanted to say: yeah. It sucks.
I hope: it gets better soon, Mr. B. gets the job, you win the lottery, your current university goes out of business and gives you a huge severance package, and you're offered an insane amount of money to keep blogging. Um, and PK gets pre-pre-pre admission to Yale. The end.
Thanks everyone.
And Elise, yeah: the mystery of why anyone actually stays married to a PhD student is one of the major questions of the universe. Someone should write their dissertation on that question!
You describe it so well, the feeling comes to mind. I always described it as intense boredom (that is, not being interested in anything). I've never been suicidal, so for me it's always been stuck at the passive stage.
Dr. B, I wish I had something useful for you. Just my best wishes.
I've found contemplative comfort from listening to Beth Nielsen Chapman's "Hymns," a recent collection (december 2004?)of latin hymns that were sung during the catholic mass years ago. Not a substitute for medical attention, just a supplement to help bridge some gaps.
You sure write good for a depressed person!
Regarding hypericin, the experience of someone close to me I suggest you look carefully at dosages. If that's too much right now (I have major depression, so I know what you're dealing with) then just start with 900mg/day (usual dosage in trials showing efficacy).
Regarding the Amazon wishlist, I think that's a great idea; do add some anti-depression reading if you think it will help at all. I suggest Burns' Feeling Good, a good intro to cognitive behavioural therapy, and perhaps the associated handbook.
Argh. On the basis of the experience, etc.
Sending thoughts of energy and focus your way. My saintly husband (my diss. dedication should read, "to my husband, who married me in spite of this fucking thing") and I laughingly attribute our survival to the "family-pack" of Zoloft. It's now gotten me through the diss and the personal crises, but I'm not feeling the calm energy it used to provide, which panics me. And it costs a fortune to keep us both medicated.
And can we have a moment of outraged silence for the way health care systems are so impossibly byzantine (and restrictive) that a "sick" person--in any fashion--cannot possibly be expected to cope with them? Perhaps it's a cost-controlling measure: the severely ill (among whom I count the depressed) can't possibly negotiate them. And don't get me started on the impossibilities for the poor...
Anyway, this is becoming all about me, but I really just meant to send good thoughts--I know from personal experience that while they may not Help, they do help.
We're pulling for ya.
Depression sucks huge slimy donkey dick. I've been there, it was the worst time of my life. I hope the stress ends for you soon.
even at what you imagine is your worst you are a light.
just to see with the clarity you possess demands more energy than the average ten.
i wish i knew an alchemy for this.
but i can only listen and be with you. we are all with you.
Thanks everyone, and for the book recommendations. Reading = good.
Dear B--
Thank you. Like so many others here, I feel this way too. Too often. But I am never forthright about it (I know better and am ashamed of that, but yet still fear speaking the it). I am, as always your reading your blog, in awe. You're inspiring.
I'm sorry and greatly aggrieved to hear your insurance/therapy woes. At my school, we have two insurance choices: one which will cover well-child visits and vaccines but not mental health; the other which covers some mental health but not well-child. I have 2 children under 4. It's not really a choice, is it? The really stunning thing is, though, anytime I bring it up with anyone (granted I'm a bit vague), I'm told "but really we have great insurance here." Great for who?!
I just got meds from my ob/gyn, who thought it'd be really helpful to offer me parenting tips as well as her candid thoughts on daycare (it's bad). That was helpful.
Sigh.
I feel for you. I hope things work out the way you need them to.
Oh, I know this feeling. For me, I just don't feel like doing anything. I have no motivation. I will sleep till 3 pm if I have no appointments. Then I feel like a lazy bum, then I feel bad about myself, then the cycle continues. The depression feeds itself this way. One thing is to not let yourself feel bad about yourself - don't let the depression feed itself with it's own symptoms. If you are having trouble concentrating, well, just try to accept that for this day, you're not going to do anything that requires too much concentration and try to do something else.
Does your health care make counselling available to you? I have uber-shitty "student health care", which means I only get to go to the on campus health center during business hours, and even we have very good counselling options which have helped me a lot. It's great to have a support system of friends and family, but even if you have that, counselling have huge benefits. It's just good to talk to someone objective who can give you specific insights into why you may be depressed. Whether or not you go back on meds, I highly reccommend counselling.
Good luck and feel better!!!
I was going to say that my wife didn't divorce me because of my dissertation, but then I remembered that we got married after I finished it.
Good luck all. Today's a good day for me, so I send you a little positive energy.
Oh, one more thing:
My insurance company won't pay for any meds related to my allergies and asthma, nor will they pay anything related to mental health.
But if I had smoked for 20 years and had cancer, I'd get a full ride.
Yeah, basically I think the insurance company logic is, "anything that the client will probably pay for themselves, because they need it--like birth control, asthma medication, or a shrink--is something we don't need to cover."
Hey, Dr. B. Hang in there. I want to offer my condolences to your wacky brain... for me it's a lot tougher to be depressed in the summer than the winter, because everyone else is so damn chipper.
That sucks. I am sorry. It's somehow most terrible to be thinking about suicide when you know you're not going to do it, at least for me.
If Mr. B gets the job and you move, then you will be taking your turn again as a stay-at-home parent. And yeah: living in a place you hate just makes things worse. Even if you're still depressed, you're somewhere *better* and it helps.
Best wishes.
Hang on, dear Dr. B. It's a shitty feeling, and it's coming at a very bad time. But, like any brain chemistry stuff, this will pass and things will even out. If it's any comfort, this time of the summer - with school work gearing up and the temperature rising - has a lot of academics unfocused. I'll keep you in my thoughts tonight.
Dr. B--been there, done that and I'm with you on the suckiness of it all. I was on Zoloft AND Wellbutrin for 2 years, then weaned myself off of the Zoloft. Tried to get off the Wellbutrin--thought I could be "med free"--only to find that in less than 4 weeks I'd entered the twilight zone again. Only this time I was CONVINCED I was fine and it was just my loved ones wanting me to be on medication for the rest of my life who were causing the problem.
Anyway--as you know from reading through the comments, you are not alone, although at a time like this, that's generally not much help. Hang in and get going with the meds when you can.
And btw--I second the recommendation of "The Noonday Demon." Well worth it.
Dr. B-
I've struggled with crippling depression for years. Be glad that you have "non-depressed parts" that can overrule it.
The saddest thing about our medical system, or lack thereof, is that they make it so hard for people. It took me years to find any kind of help. When you are depressed, paperwork is damned near impossible. You can't focus on the words, and don't have the will to keep fighting with forms and bureaucrats. Don't get me started on the insurmountable obstacle of co-pays. You can't get these rich politicians to understand that even a 1 dollar co-pay will keep someone from getting treatment that they need to live.
Try to make the most of your family if you can - PK sounds like a blessing. And remember the "bipolar blessing"- what goes down, must go up. Eventually, you'll feel better. I do encourage you to go back on the med.s, though. If you can function on them, they'll make life a lot easier. There's no more shame in needing an anti-depressant for a brain malfunction than there is in needing insulin for a pancreas malfunction. It's inconvenient, and expensive, but it will keep you alive.
If you ever need to talk, drop me an email.
Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you, B. Hang in there.
-PK
I can relate to everything you've written. Aplogizing for being a crappy blogger, though - I appreciate so much how often you post and the quality of your writing. If you hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't have thought the quality had declined in any way. But I know that what you think of yourself can be entirely different than what the world thinks of you!
I've been literally cripped with depression this year. I'm unemployed, I don't have health insurance, and sometimes I get up at noon and then go back to bed for a "nap" until 4 or 5. It's no way to live. It's a half-life, a slow, sucky, passive suicide. I hate it.
I know that there's something on the other side of depression. I know I've been on the other side. Your "asleep limb" analogy resonates with me.
One that I liked even more was when someone described depression like a button on your monitor that is "greyed out". You know it SHOULD work. You know it's worked before. So you just keep clicking and clicking, but nothing happens. You have no idea why it's not working right now. It's frustrating and you eventually just give up.
Greyed out. That's how it feels.
So my heart goes out to you. I think you're amazing for posting as much as you do. I hope your audience is helpful! I'm rooting for you and hope you find a solution soon.
B-
This is going to sound bat-shit-insane, but Kundalini yoga really helped me. I don't believe a word the very strange, mother-goddess, lovely women teaching the classes say about causation - breathing this way puts pressure on the pituitary gland, etc. But it works even though you're doing all these strange breaths, motions and chants thinking "I can't believe that I'm doing this".
Frau Doktor Professor B,
Have hope. When you think suicidal thoughts, remember that they are part of your dysfunction, and not a proportional response to your life, which is full of blessings. Remember that even the worst depressive episode clears.
Don't try to get things done when you are in the fog. You can't do too much, and what you do isn't very good. Move as much as you can to the people who love you, and make up the difference when the fog clears.
If you have the fog, you need meds. You will probably need meds for life. It is no more of a shame than having a limp, or needing insulin.
Oh yes, and have hope.
I hear you, Dr. B. Had it not been for a massive dosage of Effexor, I don't know how I would have survived my first year of grad school.
Two quick things:
Dooce is quite wonderful on depression; sometimes it's nice to read someone who can write eloquently about the absolute hell it entails.
Also, I don't know if you are relying on oral contraceptives, but St. John's Wort has been shown to reduce their efficacy. I'd rather stick to liquor and chocolate myself =P.
So sorry to hear you're struggling Dr. B. I really enjoy your blog, and send you all my best wishes. I'll also toss out a suggestion, and an observation, either or both of which should be disregarded/ignored if unhelpful.
I'm a neuropsychologist. That fuzzy-headed thing ... that is totally real. You can see the frontal lobes just turn off on PET scans ... NIMH has some nice pics. And, it produces a noticable change on neuropsych test performance. As another commenter said, sometimes people see this is manipulating. That's bullshit. I know you can evaluate your own experience, but I want to assure you that there are many in the psych profession who "get it" too, the ones who stay current with the literature.
Re: insurance ... these people are cheap bastards- it's how they make their money. Psych hospitals are expensive. When working as a therapist, I've been able to convince even the cheapest, crappiest insurance that if they didn't pay my "extra" sessions with my client, my client would end up in the ER, and then on the psych ward, at $2000/day. Even just three days of "inpatient" pretty much covers a year of therapy. It's taken work on my part, but it's do-able. Your talk-shrink may be able to do the same. Downside ... since you're academic, and your chair has already been involved, there may be some blowback to the university.
Again, very, very sorry to hear this is where you're at- best wishes that everything you need to get out of this space comes into your life quickly and easily.
I know you have a lot of good comments here already, but I wanted to also send you good thoughts. I have also been dealing with depression for years and was able to manage without meds but now I am on wellbutrin and I find it helps a lot. It is expensive but it is better than feeling like I am drowning. Again, sending you positive vibes.
I simply wish you all the best. I am rooting for you.
I hate the brain fog 
I've been wanting to go back to school for quite a while, but don't think I could reliably handle the workload when my brain only cooperates periodically.
Regarding "natural" remedies, I found that SAM-e was helpful, although it can be pricey when you start taking high dosages. And for Rx meds, Modafinil/Provigil totally takes away my brain fog, but it's expensive, and it's hard to find a doctor who'll prescribe it. Some people say it also works as an anti-depressant, so maybe in a few years it will become more widely accepted.
In any case... good luck to you 
Add me to the well-wishers. Depression bites. But it is chemical. This too shall pass. Enlist whoever you can (shrink, an advocate such as Mr. B or a close friend, etc.) to help you negotiate more treatment if need be.
Sorry the depression monkey has climbed back aboard your back for another ride. I'd hoped your less-involved blogging was merely a sign of enjoying summertime and chilling out. I hope the fog clears soon, and hope you'll be able to quit soon too.
Hi again,
This is the first anonymous who posted about adding books to your wish list. You don't mention anxiety, which is my most crippling symptom of depression, and I thought that a book you might like if you are subject to anxiety is "Don't Panic." I don't remember the author. It's available on Amazon, though. It is filled with practical suggestions and exercises, as well as case studies. It made me feel better when I read it and as I implemented the sugestions.It also helped with sleep. I also turn into a major cheerleader for myself when trying to getout of depression:I give myself a treat(or Mr. Anonymous does) for *any* achievement, including the provision of food, taking a shower, anything I find hard. He gives ultra positive feeback at times like these and does his best to remain patient (people with major depression are *extremely* hard to deal with). Even better, he brings me up short from time to time and stops a more egregious succumbing mode I have by reminding me that I can and will stop being depressed. In tihs sitation. Routine is Your Friend--I cling to them like life rafts when I am heading into a downward spirlal. Partly I'm just going on about myself hoping you can find a kernel of wisdom or practical advice that will help. Sometimes something as small as saying, I will getup at 7 and stay up for two hours evey day, after which I can turn on the soaps and be as depressed as I like all day will help a lot. You can make it through this!!!
After being depressed for decades on several differenet meds, I'm finally normal on a combo of SSRI and lithium. Turns out that irritability, which I had in spades, can be a sign of mania and I was kinda bi-polar all along. Don't fear the mood stabilizer your med doc wants to put you on. Try it and you may find out that it works!
Normal, after all these years of crazy, is really cool. And talk about productivity...
Hang in there! It's just your bad brain chemicals. Keep trying! We're with you.
Just want to add my two cents worth of support.
Please provide your readers a way to get a few dollars to you so that you can see your therapist and find a really good psychiatrist (ask for recommendations). Nobody wants you to feel this bad. You have given a lot to a community of readers, and I have a feeling lots of your readers would like to give something back, according to their means.
Most likely, from all I've read of the neurological effects of a major depressive episode, you probably need to be on meds long term. You might want to read Peter Kramer's Against Depression for a better look at the condition you are battling.
We want you better.
Oops. I see a link for making a donation to your Amazon Wish List. We could just designate what we send using that link. Beside "Payment For," we could enter "Feel Better."
Hi Dr. B,
Me too.
(On your writing on the way depression makes you feel, on the stupidity incarnate that is the health insurance system, and mostly definitely on all the well-wishes.)
Hope you feel better soonest.
You poor dear! I am praying for you.
I am so sorry you have to suffer with this. My best friend has bipolar disorder, and my girls and I go to her house and FORCE her out of bed. I'm glad you have a support system.
I've been reading and enjoying your journal for months now, and just wanted to say that I really hope you feel better soon.
Also a depression sufferer, wish I had some useful tips for you - but have been cycling in and out of my current depression for a couple of months so brain is fuzzy.
Hang in there, my thoughts (what are left of them!) are with you.
Best wishes, B. We're pissed off on your behalf with those who would deny you the care you need to save a couple of bucks.
I am a clinical psychologist, and I want to second the anon. neuropsychologist's advice. If you feel you have nothing to lose, having already involved your chair in the situation, get your therapist to threaten the insurer with your "at risk" state. The money for additional sessions will most likely be found.
Do see your primary care physician for interim medication, or, if you think you won't return to your psychopharmacologist, find another one, as soon as possible. The research is inconclusive, but my understanding is that St. John's wort works best on dysthymia--chronic, low-level depression, which is not what you are describing.
If you would like to "talk" more, please email me. I get a great deal from reading your blog, and would be glad to give something back.
Sending support and good thoughts your way. I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad.
Things that you already know to do, and that can be very hard to do, but are so good for you (and all of us): eat three regular meals with protein per day; take a walk outside every day. Don't beat yourself up for being depressed. My book rec: The Depression Book by Cherie Huber.
xoxo
Heya B, sending some warm fuzzies and good vibes in your direction, and courtesy of my dead grandma, who taped this little poem (if you can call it that) to the lamp that I've got in my office that used to be hers,
May your troubles be less,
And your blessings be more,
Ad nothing but happines,
Come through your door.
Yes, it's cheesy, but somehow it makes me feel better nonetheless (which is why it's still on the lamp, and why the lamp is in my office at school).
And don't apologize for being a bad blogger - as you've told me more than once - you don't have to answer to anybody about the blog, and your readers will be there when you feel like writing again
More free advice, worth every penny you pay for it and difficult to follow at that, but...Exercise is thought to raise serotonin levels and act as a sort of natural SSRI. If you can force yourself up and out for a walk every day, then work up to more strenuous exercise, it may help you feel better. Also be careful with St John's wort. It's reasonably safe but not side-effect free and can interact with other meds. (I'm not saying don't take it, just treat it as a real med with real risks and benefits, rather than getting into the trap that some people do of thinking that it's absolutely safe because it comes from a plant.) I agree with all the people who have suggested getting a new meds doctor. Seeing someone you hate isn't condusive to getting over depression. Best of luck getting back to euthymic.
Great post on the fog state. You really hit the nail on the head. I'm going to print it out and show it to people who ask what it felt like when I was there.
I am very impressed that you are doing the work to fight the insurance industry. It is exactly what the evil bastards require, and it is just awesome that you are doing it with diminished capacities.
As for all the advice and good books, one of the best things a good therapist told me is that for every "self-help" book you will probably find ONE useful tip that you can add to your life. It was a great antidote to the tendency to see self-help books as another list of demands I wasn't meeting! LOL!
As for post-graduate studies, are we quite sure they are not a creation of the pharmaceutical industry? Judging by the dissertation-writing respondents here, I'm sure a case could be made.
I also have a nice-man husband who survived my depression states. Perhaps that should be #5 on your nice-guy typology.
Dr. B, are you on the mend today? From what I know of rare episodes I have experienced, it helps to go outdoors on a mission, even if it is just to see what butterflies are around in the nearest garden. Even better if you have a field guide and an impressionable kid along. You are fighting brain chemistry, which sounds prosaic but feels like hell. Cheers and best wishes for a fast return to your very cool regular intellectual and emotional state.
Nothing original to say - just I have been there too: depression, anxiety, insomnia, total lack of interest in food - I KNEW I was hungry, I could FEEL the stomach cramps, but I couldn't eat more than six bites of anything. It sucks. I hate hearing that you're there because I would hate to be back there.
Oddly enough, when I was contemplating suicide was one of the few times that my quasi-medieval theology has really impacted my life - apart from not wanting to Do That to my family/then-fiance, my strongest motivation against picking up the kitchen knife and testing it against my wrists was "I really DON'T want to find out that Dante was right and that I'll be stuck in a bleeding tree in Hell for all eternity."
I can empathize about both the depression and the stress caused by HMOs. Problems with insulin uptake? All the treatment you need. Problems with seretonin uptake? They give you 10 sessions for the priest to wave the feather stick around to drive the demons out.
A couple of years ago I was lucky enough to get a psychiatrist who keeps an eye on supplements research. First and foremost she prescribed an antidepressant and antianxiety meds (I was dealing with a relative in hospice). But she also recommended supplements for which there is either peer reviewed research or positive anecdotal research and peer reviewed safety research.
These all can be found at a good health food store and are compatible with SSRIs. At the minimum, research (on medline) and consider taking LDPA or Tyrosine for your serotonin; Acetyl-L-carnitine; DHEA; and melatonin, theonine or GABA.
Seretonin precusors L-D-Phenylalanine and/or Tyrosine: amino acids (the latter essential) that are natural antidepressants. Do not take with protein (to maximize blood concentration of the a.a.).
Theonine: an essential a.a. that helps with sleep and feeling calm. Also don't take with protein or other amino acids- same reason.
DHEA: reduces stress / cortisol.
Acetyl-L-carnitine: reduces brain fuzz, also a useful antioxidant.
Ginkgo: reduces the side effects of SSRIs, might also be good for concentration and memory
GABA: helps with sleep.
Melatonin: helps with sleep at bedtime, also a useful antioxidant.
Take care of yourself, Dr. B. May the fog lift soon, may Mr. B. get the job, may you all move somewhere sunny, and may the HMO and benefits morons all be afflicted with chronic halitosis for the rest of their days. And may you end up with a column in the New York Times when you're feeling better and have access to better health care.
Dr. B.
As someone who's been on high level anti anxiety/depression stuff for a year and a half, I feel your pain...just get support whereever however, wherever you can. Music often cuts through my foggy times and I see you've already gotten some good suggestions...
Back to the back row.
Oh hell, Bitch, what a bitch, girl.
I was bipolar from teenage on, with massive 2-year depressions (it's quite something not to smile for 2 years). Then lithium saved my life when I got diagnosed in my 40s. Now, in my 50s, it all went away, and I don't need meds. The old brain chemistry can get stabilized in due course.
Hope you get your condition correctly diagnosed, and get the right meds, and stay on them.
Meanwhile: exercise -- a long walk a day will do it -- and when you're outside, look hard at other things. Also, reading funny books help: Sedaris, etc.
Jeez, dear Bitch, my heart bleeds for you. Remember, you've got thousands of your readers rooting for you. We love you.
When you feel better, spend some energy on finding out exactly what ails you (not always knowable, I know), and honing in on the right meds.
How about the boyfriend flies in and wines, dines and sexes you for a week?
Joining the chorus: Been there, and I am so sorry. And throw this one on the heap of kernels you're amassing: my therapist reminds me repeatedly that I need "USA:" Unconditional Self Acceptance. Others have mentioned how self-criticism contributes to a spiral ... so, suspend it if you can.
Hang tough, Dr. B.
As many others here mention, exercise gives an uptick in your mood- so does sunlight- but when depressed its very hard to get moving.
I got a neighbor to drop me off about a mile from home as she went to pick her kids up. This way, I *had* to take a walk those days. The route went by a grocery store, and I'd pick up some snacks: good for the not-eating-enough.
Also suggest picking up some of those meal replacement drink mixes (or premade- if you have a Trader Joe's they have a cheap yet good selection) or that chocolate powder w/ vitamins (?name?). Blend and keep chilled in the fridge. Helps you get your minimum calories.
But please do consider those serotonin precusors plus an anti-brain-fuzz supplement. If depression is your brain on neutral, and 8 weeks of an SSRI gets you driving near full speed again, the supplements get you driving in 1st gear within a week, say.
Thanks everybody, I went for a walk today. I just can't write. But I appreciate all the good wishes and advice.
Also thinking of you from LA, where depression is Unamerican but seems common. You'll pull through I'm certain!
I go through states like you describe, but usually for shorter periods and have been less in recent years ( I've never been diagnosed and must admit that in the Antipodes the promotion of the biochemical treatment of depression is a lot less common than nth america (still happens e.g. my Dad went to Zoloft for a couple of weeks on advice from his doctor, but had nightmares)).
So although I'm not depressed, I find help for related periods with yoga, as mentioned above which I haven't been doing enough recently. I always find the effect of focussed breathing and bodywork on the brain. (swimming, too).
Also, having read Allen's "Getting Things Done" book (the first half of which is worth reading) I've also recently started policing my to-do lists to make sure they contain smaller and more actionable items, most things that can't be done in five minutes goes onto a separate projects list. So instead of "Tax" like i'd usually write (and that depresses me), I have "Sort receipts into month order". The second I can do when I'm feeling flat and makes me feel better to have done it, the first just tends to make me more stressed. Something about achivement I guess, but it makes me feel less useless about not-able-to-thinkness and lack of willpower.
Also, damn your medical system sucks ass.
Ah, Bitch, I'm so sorry. Getting outside and exercising -- good advice. Even on a cloudy day, you can soak up some sun, and the endorphins will help. Ditto vitamins -- the B-complex vitamins can sometimes smooth things out, IME.
Best of luck. Please hang in there.
My suggestion: move with Mr. B, but call the uni and say you've had a breakdown and are taking medical leave... best o' both worlds!
Hugs to you -- I hope you feel perky soon.
not to make light of a serious subject (but then again, making light might not be such a bad thing) check out this great pamphlet on blog depression:
http://thenonist.com/index.php/weblog/permalink/
a_nonist_public_service_pamphlet/
Rabbit, that's hilarious.
Adding my own best wishes to the pile. I do know how you feel - thankfully Lexapro has helped me a lot. Hope you can get all the medical crap worked out so you can feel better soon. It sucks not to like your doctors.
Not much to add that hasn't already been said, but just wanted to say that I hope you're feeling better soon.
Thanks. I am feeling a little better today; unfortunately I still can't seem to fucking write a goddamn thing. :P
All my best, B. You've got my number if you ever need to bitch in person.
Can I ask you something? As someone who's in the same boat as you, I wonder: do you feel like depression is a "stress hangover?"
Yes, that's an excellent metaphor! I'll try to use it next time I talk to my shrink, in fact--since I personally think my *real* problem is anxiety, and that the depression comes when the anxiety becomes so acute that my system just overloads and shuts down.
i'm glad you're feeling a bit better, and i hope you continue to feel better! even though i know this is a "personal post" and not an "issue post" (yes, i just made up those categories and they aren't exact but go with me here for a sec'), seeing it made me feel a lot better politically in that someone's willing to write about depression. there's still so much stigma around it and around anxiety as well as just a lack of understanding that clinical depression and anxiety are not "i'm sad. okay i'm better now." but are really serious conditions. as someone who was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety almost seven years ago and still in college can't talk about it, i really appreciate your words and willingness to break the stigma even when you're in pain. so yeah, thank you, and feel better
As a blogger who blogs to avoid writing his dissertation, I just wanted to throw my good wishes into the mix. I hope your newfound good feeling stays with you.
And Rabbit, I agree -- that Nonist post is amazing.
Depending on your state, there may be mental health parity laws that would require your insurer to cough up for treatment, if you've received a diagnosis of a "major" mental health problem (depression counts). Not surprisingly, the insurance companies don't want to advertise this -- in my state, they're required to pay for 50+ outpatient visits per year. Something to look into, and if you're not in a parity state, something to write your politicians about.
If you want more information, send me an e-mail. My mom is active in an organization to increase depression awareness in businesses, public schools, and higher ed, so that people who need the help are able to get it without a hassle, and so that executives, administrators, etc. see the importance of providing easy access to help, without the kind of hassles you've described.
I wanted to pick up on something that a previous person mentioned. Watch out with St. John's Wort as it can effect the efficacy of many different types of drugs, not just birth control pills. So if you're on SSRIs and the like & St. John's Wort, the latter might be counteracting the former.
I love reading your blog. I've been through the Ph.D. depression, cannot get out of bed to save my soul, and have multiple family members with bipolar disorder. Remember, you have many people rooting for you.
Also look into a mental health support group. The bipolar alliance in my area was invaluable in helping me to navigate getting my insurance to pay for extra appointments.
Not only that, but if you ever do feel like you are slipping towards suicidal, my group at least had the emergency phone tree, where you knew someone was going to call about every 3 hours and check to make sure that you were ok, if they couldn't reach you, someone would drive over and make sure you hadn't attempted. They've saved my life more than once.
wow! change your template to dr dorcasina's and that will move your mood up slightly from the black bar at the side of your template.
thelrd in TEXAS
Hi,
Reading your blog for the first time, and wow! Cats and Macs, which I also love, and depression, which I had, not so long ago.
As everyone has said, you describe the feeling so well. I have been through several "bad patches", and the last was the worst. I never finished my undergraduate thesis, or sat the final year exams. I'd had good grades throughout the previous 4 years, and my incomplete project (written in 3 weeks basically) was graded as first class, so the board of examiners, chaired by a _very_ nice guy, let me graduate with a first class degree (British system: first class is best you can do). Which was great, except there are a set of big fat zeros on my transcript, so PhD admission panels were less than enthusiastic.
But my point is: I got through it, am finishing off my masters (another 3 week thesis job necessary) and begin a PhD in your country at the end of this month. There's light at the end of the tunnel. (Though your health insurance stories are really scaring me: here they just hand over the sweeties if you want them, for the standard prescription charge of approx. £6.50 per packet. Our petrol may be expensive, but no one asks you to choose between your kid's health and your mental health. I'm truly shocked by that.)
The big thing for me was getting back into a routine. Standard advice, but making myself do stuff at regular times was what got me going again. Being at my desk, even if not working, was a step in the right direction.
Good luck, and hang in there.
My therapist once asked me if I was a "lighthouse keeper." I suppose it was some kind of professional metaphor. Years later, I continue to wonder about its meaning for me. One tends to the duties of the light day after day and night by night, isolated and alone, through the fairest day or the fiercest storm.
We are talking about a time before there was all this connectivity with the world. Only a mail packet now and then, with old, yellowed newspapers and the usual provisions of flour and tinned goods, plus oil for the great light to guide some wayfarer at sea.
Impossibly Romantic, I know. But however my therapist meant it for me, it brought me comfort in working through this wonderful visualization of my affliction. I only mention it because I hope "Are you a lighthouse keeper?" will bring its own meaning to you or to anyone that needs a light in a darkened sea.
Been there. Hell, still am.
Thinking of you.
I'm feeling a flood of memories from my own past depression by reading all of this and my heart goes out to you, dr. b. it seems like you have a good handle on the fact that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's around a sharp bend and you can't see it right now, and i'm glad about that. just try to do your best to take each day, each minute at a time, get through it, and work your way as slowly and gently back to recovery as you can. i know you can do it, and i wish you all the inner strength you have to find your way. you are enough. and you have inside of you all that you need to recover. you really do. don't let your fuzzy mind convince you otherwise.
while i agree that meds and amino acids and other supplements can be lifesaving, have you ever thought about changing your diet as well? i know it might be tough to swallow that, so to speak, given the fact that you're finding no desire to eat, but food IS a drug, and how we use (or abuse) it can drastically affect our mood and sense of well-being.
the japanese have been hot to trot about the blood type diet (you can read about it in Dr. Peter D'Adamo's "Life Right 4 Your Type"), and while i first read with suspicion the scientific intro (it explains, actually scientifically-accurately, from what i remember from being a premed student, that the gene for blood type is a "linked gene" with other nearby genes that affect the function of digestion and metabolism...ie, not that the surface antigen of your actual blood type affects digestion, but rather the GENE for blood type influences seemingly unrelated genes located close to the blood type gene that can affect metabolism and how your food affects your brain + body, basically), i gotta tell you: i had tried EVERYthing else before i stumbled upon this book. i tried prozac (worked OK but i missed orgasms), i tried exercise (which is important but v. difficult to do when severely depressed, yes), i tried therapy, supplements, everything...all with some success but all riddled with their downsides too.
and i have to say the proof is in the pudding, and after reading this book and applying what i learned to how i ate, i felt infinitely better. and i can tell that even now, when i veer too far off the path of my proper type O blood type diet, my brain starts to "grey out" (love that phrase, so true) and i'm reminded to get back on the path. and then voila!, i feel better again.
i could have chalked it up to the placebo effect, but i really didn't believe that something as inane as changing my diet would work in the first place, so i tend to think that doesn't apply.
if anything, the book is a great read b/c it makes you viscerally realize how delicate your body is and how crucial it is to have a fully balanced, operating system, comprised of an infinite number of intricate little systems to boot, for overall wellness. when you think of everything that has to work perfectly in your body just to sustain life, you see how just one little part being "off" affects the whole. just those insights alone helped me understand that what i was feeling WAS a physical condition, not a weakness or a freakish abnormality, and that the body is a miraculous machine that can and WILL repair itself.
best of luck getting back to the smiles that are waiting for you at the end of this stretch of your life journey, and stay strong. you have a great attitude peeking through the fog and you are doing a great service by starting such a fruitful, healing dialogue. thank you.
i'm a first-time visitor to your site today, and i love what you have to say.
thanks from another fellow depression sufferer for describing it so well. it is disturbing that there are so many of us, which makes me wonder just what the hell is going on in our society. but that is another issue for another day.
i tried talk therapy, st. john's wort and sam-e, but it wasn't enough. now it's under control with a combo of Lexapro and Wellbutrin (plus therapy), so if you find that the supplements aren't quite doing the trick, please don't let yourself suffer needlessly.
by the way, i would have had no idea that you were experiencing depression if you hadn't written so eloquently about it, so please let yourself off the hook for so-called bad blogging. you ain't bad at all.
please keep writing about it, if you can. i think we NEED more frank talk about such things; at least i do. it is comforting to know someone else really does understand.
you hang in there, Dr. B. you are not alone, you are not crazy, and you will get through it and feel better. it's not your fault. be gentle with yourself.
Thanks, des.
I suffer from depression too since I've been 19. When I suffered my first episode, I had no clue what it was. I went to my doctor and told him about it. He gave me a couple of shots and it was over. I never asked him what it was... I was 19 and didn't care. I just wanted it to be over with.
Soon I found out what depression was and recognized my first episode as such... angry, sad, general feelings of hopeless, thoughts of suicide... everything.
When I had my second incident, I never went back to the doctor because my friends thought that "depression is a woman's thing." I know, stupid but what was I going to do? I didn't want to suffer from a woman's disease.
So, for 18 years now, I suffer episodes alone and without help. When it happens, I don't know how I make it through without hanging myself. When I suffered one last week again, I went onto the balcony and thought if I jumped, it would be all over. I didn't, of course, since I am here to talk about it.
The next day I called for an appointment with my doctor to talk about it this Monday. Now that I am not down, I don't know if I should. You know, the whole thing about men don't suffer from depression which still bothers me.
I can't speak highly of meds.
There is a ritual that has rarely let me down.
Prepare the tonic following:
two parts Bushmills,
one part hot water (optional),
tincture of lemon,
cilantro leaf.
Quaff 1/2 concoction.
Immediately follow with one part cannabis.
Quaff the remaining concoction.
Palm Grandma's rosary while recalling her admonition to get down on your knees and thank God you're still on your feet.
Play Al Green, any Al Green, at loudest volume.
Almost never fails.
When it does, I walk to the end of the drive and kick the pigs. I realize that option may not be open to all. I can't have every mooncalf on the internet walking around the place kicking my pigs.
The brain fog thing really does suck!!! I have been having trouble having conversatons with friends and family, I feel like my brain fell out its the most frustrating thing!!
6 Visitors Online
Commenting by HaloScan
