1-Getting pregnant at 17
2-Having an abortion at 17
3-Not wanting to discuss when I want to have kids with anyone other than my husband
4-Not having student debt because my dad died and left me money which I used wisely
5-Not having a better relationship with my mother.
Screw you Everyone Else!
You know, that whole last thread really got me thinking about Milton Friedman. Why? Simple:
There are four ways in which you can spend money. You can spend your own money on yourself. When you do that, why then you really watch out what you’re doing, and you try to get the most for your money. Then you can spend your own money on somebody else. For example, I buy a birthday present for someone. Well, then I’m not so careful about the content of the present, but I’m very careful about the cost. Then, I can spend somebody else’s money on myself. And if I spend somebody else’s money on myself, then I’m sure going to have a good lunch! Finally, I can spend somebody else’s money on somebody else. And if I spend somebody else’s money on somebody else, I’m not concerned about how much it is, and I’m not concerned about what I get. And that’s government. And that’s close to 40% of our national income.
It sure is easy to spend Dr.B's money, isn't it everyone? Comments on the previous thread scream out for a Libertarian response. Frankly, since none of us really know how you value what you purchase, it is easy to tell you that $600 on groceries is ludicrous. But, on the other hand, its your money and your values and perhaps we should trust you to make the decisions you make based upon what it takes to make you happy. Does this make sense? Maybe not. I'm tired. But I also was a bit taken aback at how easy it was for others to budget for you....
Bad PoJ! That is not what this thread is for.
(That said, "For example, I buy a birthday present for someone. Well, then I’m not so careful about the content of the present, but I’m very careful about the cost" gets it exactly backwards.)
Reading BitchPhD when I should be playing with kids, working, or saving....
Enabling BitchPh'D's own bad life by reading, commenting, and sometimes agreeing...
Haha, you're not going to like this.
I'm ashamed of not giving more money to Oxfam and stuff like that. Because if the price of a movie for me can really help someone in miserable poverty, I should give the money to them. And I do, a bit. But not much, because I want stuff. It's some serious cognitive dissonance - there's just no way around it. It would be easier if I had kids, because then I could use the whole "but my first duty is to my kids" excuse, but I don't.
The natural tendency is to say: "well, that would be unreasonable. Give to charity -- reasonably." That's bullshit though -- it's clearly just rationalization.
Umm, I have three categories.
1. CATEGORY ONE: Things I should be ashamed of and I am
- Using too much paper and water. Keeping the tap running when I brush my teeth.
- Not doing enough for poverty in my home-country India - using my MBA for personal benefit rather than societal benefit (non profits etc).
- Not having a drivers license. In America!!
- Not knowing enough about finance to do more than put our savings in an HSBC high-yield account (this from my financially hyper-literate mother, who can't believe I don't have a stock or mutual fund portfolio).
- Being scared of math though I deal with numbers as a matter of course in my life.
CATEGORY 2: Things I should be ashamed of and I'm ambivalent about:
- Leaving India and therefore our parents to fend for themselves in their old age. (We're happy to have them stay with us in the US but visa laws make it impossible for a tleast 10 years. But then we didn't HAVE to leave the country, we were doing pretty well financially and otherwise).
- Not sending enough money home to parents. (They don't need it, its just an expectation from ALL desi parents).
- Waxing, piercing my nose, buying new clothes (I should be ashamed to conform to patriarchal standards of beauty, but oh, the pleasure!)
CATEGORY THREE: Things I should be ashamed of and I'm not:
- Not knowing how to cook and making my husband do the daily cooking.
- Not having kids yet (in my mid-thirties).
- Not being able to speak, read or write my native tongue.
- Not knowing squat about car and computer models.
- Read lowbrow books and watching low-brow movies.
- Wasting my time.
Choosing to have a baby in graduate school and then feeling stressed out and worried about being able to finish (yes, but you CHOSE to have that baby and therefore you must suck it up).
Not feeling bitter about my constant liberal guilt? (Knock it off, Bitch. White guilt is not a good look on you.)
Weighing 185 lbs. at 5'6". Wearing size 12 pants. Being depressed.
-Letting my WH spend more than we have so I don't have to be the bad guy.
-Buying stuff we can't afford because he shouldn't get to have all the fun.
-Hating my mother.
-Gossiping relentlessly about people I don't like.
-Reading blogs when I should be working.
-Not answering the phone when I don't feel like talking on the phone.
-Driving with little to no regard for posted speed limits.
-Marrying a man with less ambition and income than myself and occasionally resenting him for it.
-Being judgmental.
I can't think of anything else right now, but there's plenty!
BPhD, the internet is evil. Sorry 'bout that. Also, money makes people crazy- class warfare and all.
1. Refusing to accept Jesus Christ into my life!
2. Not making babies.
3. Not automatically wanting babies.
4. Craving an invitation to the academic clubhouse, even though I know how screwed up a club it is.
White guilt is not a good look on you.
Oh man, this deserves to become a catchphrase.
- not having to use drugs to conceive my children
- living a lifestyle that allows my DH to stay at home with our kids while I work
- letting my children listen to Mozart or Bedtime Beatles as they drift off to sleep
Not driving 12+ hours back to my hometown for every holiday/event/wedding hosted by extended family members--most of whom have visited me exactly never.
1. Not having a college degree, yet I still work for a college.
2. Not having babies
3. Not wanting babies
4. Living in sin with my boyfriend since 1999. (Ooops not suppose to say it like that, I'll just say living with Gabe then you'll think he is some kind of androgynous roommate
Not a big deal to me, but it seems to be one for the southern women I work with.
5. Being Agnostic in Alabama
I'm an asshole for getting depressed even though I have good friends, family and job. My best friend is an asshole both for not enjoying being pregnant, and for not breast feeding.
Not being a better father to my children. I should have been there more and not allowed my female dependency to get in the way of my relationship with them. No I was not a philanderer; serial monogomist instead. It has turned out fine; credit to them, not me. Shared in the hope that a younger guy might read and choose diffrently then I did.
I gotta say, Kendra, your comment sounds more like an inverted way of trying to shame other people who don't do those things than like things you really think people try to shame you for. "not having to use drugs to conceive my children"???
today, it is sending my kids off to private school.
1. Filling awkward silence with words I don't mean
2. Letting my best, oldest friendship lapse due to some weird misunderstanding that never has been enunciated
3. Being too tired and burned out to finish
I actually am ashamed that I can't keep house to save my life.
I'm not ashamed of my spotty work history, nor that I've been on Welfare three times; I'm a hard worker and impeccably competent, but I'm also handicapped and way too intelligent, and I freak people out. That's not good in terms of not blowing job interviews. (I'm currently on the eighth month of a three-month contract; chew on that, gimp-phobic HR droids and snotty bureaucrats!)
I should be ashamed of having such an attitude, but again... *shrug*
Nobody bothers me about either being single or not having kids, despite being thirty-mumble. I suspect there's some subliminal prejudices going on there; none of the TABs want to think about gimps having sex, I guess (sometimes even with members of the Temporarily Able-Bodied, howworz!)...
Not loving children and wanting one for my very own.
Spending too much time on myself a) going to classes and b) reading and doing work for those classes and c) decompressing before I kill somebody at my 40 hr/week job (did I mention they were grad classes) instead of going to visit my grandmother.
* spending too much time online, ignoring kids and spouse
* spending too much money and saving nothing
* being a slacker at work (and the boss is my dad)
* messy, cluttered home
* using anxiety/depression as an excuse for being mean to my husband
I should be ashamed of myself (but I'm not) for:
1. Carving out plenty of "me" time, even if it involves letting my kid spend a little too much video game/TV time (bad mama!)
2. Sitting on my ass as much as I can on evenings and weekends and "letting" my husband to handle the bulk of the parenting (hey, he's a great dad and he and the kid couldn't be closer)
3. Paying a trainer at the gym for an hour a week because I just don't motivate myself to exercise without someone giving instructions (I'm more fit than I've ever been)
4. Wedging a family of 3 into a 2BR/1BA condo with a whopping two closets, all the space pretty well filled with clutter (we do have much more space than poor people do, and the mortgage is so cheap we can save a ton and I can afford the trainer, and hey, our carbon footprint is smaller than it would be in a big house, so my relatives can just suck it up that they might have to pay for parking when they come visit)
5. Continuing to live in the city when the rest of the relatives are gravitating to a 10-mile radius that's 40 miles from me (Jesus, if I moved to the suburbs, it sure as hell wouldn't be those ones! I like having vegetarian items on the menu at practically every restaurant, diversity, restaurants within walking distance, Lake Michigan within walking distance, etc.)
I should feel ashamed of myself for my asshole tendencies, and I am. But this thread's not about rightful guilt, is it?
1. Being an ex-Mormon in Utah
2. Choosing not to have children... EVER.
3. Being business minded about my small business and trying to promote myself in an honest way.
4. Having a tattoo
5. Speaking my mind
6. Being a woman in general
1. Moving to Minnesota and then not promising to stay FOREVER.
2. Not spending 90% of my vacation driving to visit scattered extended family when I visit my folks in New England (right on, Lizthefair, they never visit me, either!).
3. Being reluctant to someday invite my S.O.'s abusive, asshole parents to live with us when they can no longer live alone, even though I despise nursing homes.
4. Eating leftover homemade cream-based soup for lunch at work when all the other women scarf tiny salads on their way to lunch-hour yoga classes.
5. Not cooing/dripping with pleasure/hormones whenever a coworker brings his or her child to work.
6. Working on my art instead of doing housework (hey, I also have a 40 hr/wk job and still manage to produce my own work), then complaining that the house is in terrible shape.
7. Buying organic but thinking veganism is bullshit.
8. Being an atheist and having had an abortion! At the same time!
i am often ashamed of how much fun i'm having planning my wedding. i feel like i'll lose some of my feminist street-cred if i get too excited about dresses and presents and flowers.
Money stuff I should be ashamed of, and sometimes I am, especially given my educational debt and tiny PhD earning potential:
1. Digital Cable WITH HBO (the HORROR!)
2. Buying lunch more often than I pack it
3. Credit card debt
4. Buying the pricey groceries AND going out to eat sometimes
5. Just moved to cheap city, and got gigantic apartment for same price as was paying in expensive city even though I could have gotten small crappy apartment and saved the extra.
6. Took 2-week vacation I couldn't afford (time or money-wise) summer.
Guess this makes me a bad person. Here's the thing though, almost everyone judges how everyone else spends their money, and then rationalizes how they spend their own. To this I say "eh, what can you do?" You buy the fancy cheese, I watch bad TV... for most of us, it evens out in the end.
Oh, and everyone who invoked the starving people of the developing world in the last thread is an asshat. Dr. B wasn't saying that this WASN'T a problem, and I am sure she would never in a million years suggest that a poor single mother of four in, say, Detroit, has it better than she does. She was just talking about a different subject, namely, the financial stresses and pressures of maintaining a middle class household in California. I'm sure she agrees that her bourgeois desires and needs are just that-- boug-ey, but that doesn't make them go away.
What am I ashamed of? Mountains of student loan debt. It's my dirty secret. I should have known better, right? Yeah, I should have, but I fucking didn't. And I definitely shouldn't have a relationship with someone with nasty mountains of private student loans, which just makes our shameful disgusting life of indentured servitude all the more depressing. As long as I keep it a secret, no one in higher ed has to think about whether or not our teaching is really worth all the money students are paying. GASP! Did I say that out loud? Of course, we can't really talk about whether or not it's really worth it. Only those who can AFFORD it should get a college education.
-coveting my wealthier friends' homes and clothes even though I know better
-surfing around online instead of revising my diss chapter
-loving my baby but often finding spending time with him boring
I am also ashamed that though we owe a ton of money, an appalling amount of money really...if I had that money in cash and were looking for a house in a major metropolitan area, it wouldn't even buy a 1 BR fucking condo. Maybe I'm not ashamed of that. I just appalled at that. Maybe I should just be ashamed of my foul mouth ;0
Deb's comment ("Guess this makes me a bad person. Here's the thing though, almost everyone judges how everyone else spends their money, and then rationalizes how they spend their own.") reminds me of an old George Carlin line:
"Hey, can you move your shit so I can put my stuff here?"
It's all about perspective.
I'm ashamed of (momentarily) thinking my experience of the financial requirements of my graduate student life in an extremely cheap city justified thinking of you as a whiner. I should not have done that.
Giving up on the US and emigrating to exurban Canada (not far from the Univ of Guelph, as it happens). I should be "fighting to save America from the Fascists"!
Making my living as an otaku hermit instead of doing the 9-5 thing and making tons of money again. I'm "semi-retired" now.
I guess I actually *am* embarrassed that I've done a poor job as a homeowner and now it's hard to sell my NJ house because it needs repairs. I'll do better with the Ontario house, really I will!
No comment.
Being a queer female who hates all the 'we're just like everyone else' lesbian 'role models'.
Not wanting to get married.
Being set on the amount of children that I have, and I can still stick them all in cages.
I'm at school 'working on my lit review' as I type this...
I do animal research, and I'm a vegetarian.
I don't say no when my parents offer me money, even when I don't really need it.
I would prefer not to.
Let's see, according to Everyone Else:
I should be ashamed of having a large wedding that my parents paid for.
I should be ashamed of how much my husband and I travel on our household income.
I should be ashamed of how much I like and follow football.
(You know, after each instance I had a sentence or two justifying it. But I deleted them, because the point of this thread isn't defending ourselves against "asshole!" charges.)
1. Having no motivation
2. Not being a better cat-mom to my poor, indoor, stir-crazy kitties
3. Being soo so judgmental and hating myself for it and then hating other people for not being perfect and then hating myself for not being perfect--it' a vicious cycle of self-loathing
4. Being depressed, lonely and anxious nearly all the time.
5. Spending money on work clothes when I could put it towards savings or helping my sisters, or larger donations to charities
6. Being a sloth
7. Gaining enough weight that my work clothes don't fit anymore and so I have to buy ones that do.
8. Being rejected by every phd project I have applied to.
9. Not being a better friend/sister/daughter.
- letting my parents help me so much in paying for college, even though they haven't got a lot of money
- fooling around with a guy who has a girlfriend (even if she knows and is okay with it)
- liking S&M (and taking the submissive role!!)
- being a vegetarian but not being motivated enough to go vegan
- owning leather wrist cuffs (I have a list of justifications including quality and environmentally harmful leather substitutes, but every now and then I am actually uncomfortable about this one)
- not really knowing what my makeup was tested on (this I actually mean to fix)
I should be really ashamed about the cigarettes.
1. Ending a wanted pregnancy after a fatal prenatal diagnosis.
2. Not enjoying every minute of the following healthy pregnancy.
3. Thinking that childbirth is brutal.
4. Being grateful for the eventual c-section.
5. Ditching a job I hated to stay at home with a kid.
6. Taking over running the household.
7. Despite housewifery and mommying, still believing that I'm a feminist.
1. Using technology to conceive babies instead of adopting. (I actually am a little ashamed of this, though I'm very happy to be pregnant. Ah, conflict.)
2. Complaining about pregnancy symptoms - or caring about my own welfare at all - after using said technology.
3. Being ambivalent about the results of said technology. Twins! Ye gods and little fishes.
It never ceases to amaze me how people feel free to openly chastise me for numbers 2 and 3. Next person to say, "you asked for it" is going to get kicked.
- not getting a cell phone
- eating what I like even if it's unhealthy
- living in the suburbs
- sending my kids to a (public) school where every one is rich and white, while at the same time being critical of people who send their kids to private school
- letting food rot and go to waste
1. Having two abortions in my teens, and not feeling particularly bad about it.
2. In that vein, not having babies "yet" in my late 30s. Not wanting them. Not particularly liking the ones had by my friends and family.
3. Being happy in a very boring, monogamous heterosexual relationship... even married!... when all of my politics say that I should rebel against said institution.
4. Living for free at my aunt's house while pulling down a professor salary because I...
5. Left my husband behind while doing a prestigious postdoc in sunny SoCal. What will he ever do without me to cook and clean for him? (So sayeth my mother.)
6. Having a better job than everyone else from my grad program (and even than the other postdocs), when I'm no better than they are... just because I'm a girl in math.
7. Not working nearly hard enough, even though I got a job better than I deserve and left my husband behind to take it.
8. Being fat. Clearly everyone else knows how much I eat and exercise based on a look at me, eh?
9. Not loving my siblings enough. Again, according to my mother.
Whee! this is fun.
Spending more on eating out than many people take home
Eating too much
Having a hot tub
Driving a minivan
the car i got from my parents..the first big gift. i think it was a guilt gift for their newly announced divorce. plus, my mom moved to england. so a car makes me feel spoiled...weird.
According to other people, I should feel guilty for...
1. Selfishly not having children. (Yes, I was called selfish for not having kids.)
2. Being too "aggressive," and "opinionated."
3. Letting my "proletariat roots" show.
4. Not getting married, and not caring that I'm still unmarried.
5. Attending 12 years of cathlolic school while being openly pro-choice.
Letting my kids run wild.
WIIIIILLLLLDDDDD!
Woohoo!
Things others try to make me feel ashamed of:
1) Ditching out on math and hard sciences when I had an aptitude for them. "But we need more women in the sciences!" "Yeah, but I don't particularly *like* engineering!"
2) Also with the not driving 10 hours as often as certain people who are unwilling to make the drive themselves would like me to.
3) My ex-alcoholic mother-in-law's poverty. More specifically, not doing more to help her out so she doesn't have to get a job she considers "beneath her."
Things I do feel ashamed of, at least sometimes:
4) Not living up to all that "potential." Fine, that stack of papers from my school file suggests I could have done more with my life and have a much higher profile career. Fact is, I like my life and I don't want to be a DoctorLawyerProfessor. But the niggle of "you could have ruled the world...." makes me not widely share just *how* much potential everyone thought I had.
5) Not reading more about circumcision before my first child was born, and leaving the ultimate decision in the hands of my husband "since, well, he has one." Please, no lectures there.
6) The amount of my life I fritter away on TV. My house would be in better shape if I could do all the work it needs while watching Buffy or Fireflyon DVD.
Things EVERYONE things I should be ashamed of:
7) Getting married. My hardcore friends think I buckled to the patriarchy. My traditional friends think I'm uncommitted since I didn't change my name. Everyone thinks I did it wrong.
Working part time. To one side, I'm part of the Opt Out Revolution. To the other, I'm abandoning my babies to daycare. Can't win either way.
Going out to eat while at home the bill collectors keep calling.
Having massive student loan debt.
Not having a full time job after graduating with a PhD over a year ago.
Smoking pot.
Enjoying my "breaks" when the ex takes my son for the weekend.
Bitching about my husband
Being a crappy daughter
Being too quick to argue/judge
Trying to be a good person without really succeeding
Not returning phone calls
Wanting to run away (often)
Procrastination!
Oh, this is a good post. Lessee, in no particular order:
Being a terrible housekeeper;
Owning a huge flat screen TV;
Having HD cable;
Allowing my 1-year-old to watch TV;
Eating meat;
Buying things to cheer myself up;
Being fat;
Never exercising;
Wishing I lived in a nicer neighborhood;
Not wanting to send my kid to the closest public school. Because it sucks.
And that's just a partial list. Some of these are easier to dismiss than others. Next time can we list things we're proud of even though "they" say we shouldn't be?
Not wanting to live in Kansas, where all my family is (most of whom I get along with)
Not visiting Kansas more than twice a year, a few days at a time, to see said family (though my parents are the only ones who have visited us!)
Denying my mother grandchildren
Having a tiny wedding and inviting only parents, sibling and grandparents to attend
reading blogs when I should be doing physics homework
watching CSI when I should be doing physics homework
watching crappy pop shows
studying physics instead of taking advantage of my opportunities to do something to help peoples' lives
wanting to have a husband and lots of kids (more than a job, and still considering myself to be a feminist)
screening my mother's phone calls
Ooooo, Post Secret "Bitch-style". So much to say, so little time. Think I'll pass this one to Oscar:
There is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.
Yum.
My doing "asshole-ish" things doesn't exist in my paradigm because that would imply the presence of self-judgment and being human includes permission for wide margins. (Excluding the night of dancing in some Washington, DC street while under the influence of Ambien and alcohol in front of hotel-fire evacuated bathrobed international "hoodie-dos" and not remembering a goddamned thing in the morning. Did I also say the "date" was married? Oh, yeah, there's that.)
n!...I like the way you broke it down. Gimme a few, I might be back.
--
-reading blogs when I should be finishing my thesis
-reading books when I should be finishing my thesis
-Not visiting my family often enough or only for a few days at a time
-marrying an atheist
-not currently attending church every Sunday
-buying a house with a pool ... in Phoenix
-eating meat and thinking veganism is craaaazy (what?!? no cheese?)
-being a liberal Catholic
-not exercising enough
-being depressed and taking medication for it
Having enough money. This is seriously socially unacceptable.
1. Having, not just a ravenous appetite for artificial flavors and sweeteners, but real actual sugar, too.
2. Missing trans-fats.
3. Picking a law school based on not wanting to change my life too much, and throwing away four full scholarships in the equation.
4. Letting my parents buy me a car at a time when they really shouldn't have; and then letting them help with my rent the whole time I was an undergrad.
5. Disbelieving, to this day, a close family member's accusation of rape against someone who I never met.
6. Wanting to be a lawyer mostly so that I can have piles of money someday, yet taking up space in a public-interest program.
7. Letting my boyfriend buy me groceries, gas, and vacations.
8. Starting to change my thinking about whether to have children, and not, as promised, telling my boyfriend about it.
9. Being absolutely ridiculously thrifty about everything that I have to buy for myself, while knowing that the only reason that I can do that is because if I don't buy myself something I really need, someone will make sure I get it.
I'm feel like a huge asshole because I graduated from a good college, but I don't have any career goals at all, and I am sanctimonious toward my female coworkers who just want to meet a husband and have babies.
Why should I want them to 'want more for themselves' when I mostly just want to go for long bike rides and have a tiny house with a dog and a cat and a goat?
1. Dating my boyfriend, because of the timing.
2. Dating my boyfriend because his family wants him to find someone from his own culture.
3. I have mom-guilt for being unhappy that having a dog takes so much work.
Well I don't have just one horse. I have FOUR. And one on the way. And I don't feel guilty about that at all.
Woo-hoo! self-castigation is my forte.
1) Having a mound of student debt and wanting get my MFA in Theater Directing.
2) Having a mound of debt and being an artist.
3) Having a mound of debt and working in non-profit.
4) Wanting babies (yes, I do!). More than one, maybe! With debt!
5) Having an almost breakdown after getting rejected from favored grad school that takes two people a year.
6) Occasionally resenting my husband for his lack of desire to be an artist.
Graduating from a wonderful Ph.D. program, but not wanting (anymore) to pursue tenure track employment—all the while pretending otherwise.
Wanting just to stay home with my kid instead, while husband works long, hard hours to support us all.
ooooooh can I play too ?
- Being unmarried, childless, and no plans to change either
- Getting a prestigious fellowship that pays better most tenure track positions will -- this is supposed to be a stepping stone to `big things'. But I'm going to drop out of academia.
- not dressing/looking `proper' enough. Like conformity is an unmitigated good.
- refusing to play politics, or be subservient to the `right' people. You know, the people who can `make my career'. I'm not unkind or anything, I just treat everyone as an equal by default. Treating peoples secretaries the same way I treat them.
What should I be ashamed of?
- not finishing my dissertation yet
- thinking I deserve a well-paying, tenure-track job in a nice place
- refusing to take certain adjunct, staff or TA jobs because they would take up too much time or not pay enough money
- refusing to graduate and cut off the student loans until I have a real job lined up
- "rabblerousing" --- i.e. riling up the other grad students by doing the math in front of them and pressuring them to not put up with shit
- refusing to save money by having a roommate or crappy housing
- my expensive chocolate and pricey, bougie wine-tasting habit. Mmm, I'm not ashamed of that at all!
Getting free tuition (because my mom works full time for the University) and having no student debt. I just say to people, "I'm sorry for using my one advantage in life." That usually shuts them up.
I also feel kind of like an asshole for not trying harder to find a job after four months of unemployment. But I worked hard, I'm entitled to my unemployment insurance!!
HBO package from DirecTV.
"Not using" my Ph.D. because I'm not pursuing a tenure-track job.
Not taking a lunch to work with me.
Two gas-fueled cars (both paid off).
Too much time spent blogging.
Not exercising enough.
Credit card debt racked up during grad school for veterinary care and husband's teeth.
Keeping old dog who needs about $400/month in vet care and meds. (Some people think this is insane, even though the 14-y.o. dog's quality of life is very, very good as a result.)
Using air conditioning. A lot.
White-hot alpha-male ambition.
- having a big(ger) house
- having a car
- not staying home with my kids
- having a pit bull
- having a pit bull AND kids
- reading trashy romances
- enjoying trashy romances
I'm too damned old to feel ashamed anymore, so it doesn't work. I'm with you, Bitch!
Being a tranny when it makes other people uncomfortable. How dare I!
Not telling everyone I meet that I'm a tranny. How dare I!
Not posting my lectures on the course website or accepting assignments via email, preventing my students from not actually having to physically set foot in the classroom ever. (OK, most every faculty member in my department has my back on that one. The students, however...)
Oh!! Wait!! Totally relevant!!!
I had a horse when I was a teenager. God I'm such an asshole.
I wish you would have given me this written question ahead of time, so I could plan for it. ... I'm sure historians will look back and say, gosh, he could have done it better this way, or that way. You know, I just -- I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with an answer, but it hadn't yet.
Star-fucking. Seriously. One of the reasons I was originally attracted to my new SO is that she was always the center of attention at these huge parties she'd host at her horse ranch, and I am totally into high social status people.
There's a lot of other reasons that we're actually dating now, but that was one of the first things.
- loving my son while also finding playing with him BORING.
- having a good well paying job, a great partner and a beautiful son and still not being happy.
- watching way to much TV
1. Turning down a gig to teach freshaman speech for the rest of my life to go back to school to get my Ph.D.
2. Secretly liking it when my cat chases my brother-in-law and traps him, cowering, in the corner. Serves him right for couch crashing.
3. Being a real bitch to my students so some of them will drop. Cap is too high
Divorcing my husband.
Refusing to pay him alimony.
Making more money than him.
Having a good career rather than staying home with my kid.
Never going to church.
Not making my kid go to church.
Spending time with my kid when I'm not putting in enough hours at work.
Eating cookies without worrying about how it will affect my figure.
Crying in public.
Not keeping my house/car/office clean.
1. Hating, yes HATING momzillas that make judgements on my disability without knowing a thing about it.
2. Hating momzillas that confuse SSDI with welfare and call me a welfare cheat.
3. Hating Momzillas who don't know enough about welfare to know that cheating in MY state is next to impossible, and that most people do NOT qualify for food stamps or welfare just because they're poor.
4. Hating Momzillas who think it's OK to gang up on another mother just because she disagrees with them or doesn't grovel at their feet.
5. Hating Momzillas who blame me for my son's bipolar disease, like it's MY fault is brain is faulty.
6. Hating Momzillas who swear up and down that ADHD doesn't exist and there is no reason to ever medicate a child.
7. Hating Momzillas, period. HATE THEM.
Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well living on my teeny tiny SSDI payment raising two children on my own in an $1800 rental that takes up 80% of my monthly income leaving no disposable income.
Oh, and I hate judgemental Momzillas.
-Being childfree ("It's your duty! Your parents had you, you must breed too!")
-Being polyamorous (currently with two lovers)
-Having 60 lbs of yarn
-Being an omnivore
-Buying expensive formal wear even though I have no where to wear it
-Using the word "like" too much in conversation
spending my college summers in Paris learning French(which I'm now fluent in) instead of working to support myself during the year and the subsequent massive pile of student debt
not calling my best friend the month before she died(two years ago) in a sudden car accident because of some misunderstanding i can no longer remember
knowing that my student debt and future payment burden depends on when my great grandma dies and resenting my mother for sharing this information with me
changing my career path around the possibility of inheriting a house in an area where there's no guarantee of my original job field having openings
being angry at losing weight that i needed to lose because i can't afford new pants right now
wanting a boyfriend really badly
drinking beer while i do my reading for class
1. Not reporting my rapist to the police (think of all the others he could do it to)
2. Only answering the phone if I feel like it no matter who it is
3. Not sharing my fill-in-the-blank (money, food, time)
4. Showing my true emotions even if they don't fit the situation
Oh, I forgot to add:
being perfect and beyond reproach.
Things I should feel ashamed about:
1. 12 years of whitewashed, privileged private prep school
2. Not recycling every single thing (I recycle most things! I just can't stand scrubbing trash.)
3. Leaving my computer on 24/7
4. Worshiping at the feet of my air conditioner
5. Having enough money to share a two-bedroom apartment in one of the most expensive counties in the country
6. Not being as interested in studying global women's issues as I am in deconstructing television
7. Slacking off at work
8. Refusing to adjunct or take shitty academic crap in the future... which pretty much kills the career I'm paying big bucks to graduate school to get going, but I don't care. I don't want to move to the middle of nowhere, and I want to pay my bills. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Things I do feel ashamed about:
1. Being fat.
2. Not being able to handle school and work as well as I should
3. Not having finished (or started!) my thesis yet
4. Still eating fast food and Coke products... binge eating in general
Reacting badly to all the suggestions from male friends that I should just get myself pregnant without my partner's knowledge, even though he is rabidly against there ever being children of his on this planet, because 'he will come around'.
1) Not having or actively searching for a SO
2) Blowing off homework to work or relax
3) Not being obsessed with grades
4) Complaining about how expensive law school is when I could "do the corporate thing" for a few years and pay off my 6 digit debt
5) My eating habits (bread. I looooove bread. and hate vegetables).
6) Lack of exercise
7) Not doing the daily makeup and hair straightening routine to look "appropriate" for work
Denigrating the romance obsession of my friends when all I watch or read is scifi/horror/fantasy
9) Refusing to get a car, but begging for rides when the public transit schedule is inconvenient for me
10) Regularly rocking the dollar menu for lunch
I actually feed bad about the last one....though I think I'm supposed to be an asshole for eating deepfried fastfood crap as opposed to being an asshole for supporting corporate domination.
Coming from Massachusetts, because that automatically makes me a privileged snot.
Taking so long in graduate school. Why can't I just finish that paper already?
Ruining my already poor finances by taking so long in grad school. (Actually, that's one I really am ashamed of, though I'm not sure I should be. If only I were from Massachusetts: then my Kennedy-like relatives would give me all the trust-funding I need!)
Not visiting my family more on the incredible income I'm making as a graduate student.
Not living nearer my family.
Eating chocolate while pregnant (according to my MIL, I should not do this!!!)
Considering walking out of teaching mid-semester because my university has decided not to pay me what it said it would, and isn't clear yet about how it will "make it up" to me. I should be a team player! I should do it for the children! I should think of my career!
Ashamed of?
I probably should be ashamed of the amount of yarn I buy, but I'm not.
Although, I've been told I should be ashamed of not giving more to charity. Honestly, I work for a charity and get paid practically nothing for doing so and I'm not going to give the parts of my income that do not go to bills and food back to charity. Selfish? I think not.
I've been told I should be ashamed of the debt I'm piling on myself for school, but again - I'm not. It's my debt and my dream.
I'm sure there are other things I should be ashamed of like my snobby tastes in wine, food, whisky, and other hedonistic loves. However, I'm not. I believe that we all deserve some luxury in our lives even if it's minimal and what we spend our money on is our own business.
I should be ashamed of not turning off my shower water while I'm soaping myself. Outside the US, people think it's irresponsible.
I am ashamed of my mental health, or lack of same, and relatedly my scars. I am ashamed of having such a well-off family that my college savings account was actually used as a down payment for a house instead (bear in mind that tuition cost me under 2k/year, and I lived at home). I am ashamed of having a purebred cat (as well as some mutts).
I think I've hit a peak of triviality there.
Oh, and the one thing I really really really should be ashamed of, being a grad student and all is:
Being greedy. Loving money. Asking about money. Asking how much I can expect to make as a tenured professor and how salaries progress in my field. Asking how much I can make with consulting work. Even thinking about consulting work. Not wanting to take up crap academic jobs because I should. Not wanting to work 80 hours a week because I'm only getting paid 100k. Liking my research but not totally loving it. Complaining. Wanting to explore areas outside of academia. Wanting to do some consulting/teaching/non-research (paid) work once in a while. Just wanting to earn some money and not be a student forever. Thinking my stipend is too little though its 23k a year. Wanting my research to be relevant to industry so that I can consult with them and make lots of money (I'm in a trade/practical field). Being greedy.
Not having or wanting kids (goodness, this is popular). I don't feel ashamed for myself, but for my parents, since my brother says he doesn't want kids either.
Believing that a lot of the ideas out there about food and nutrition and health are rather poorly supported by the actual facts, but still feeling guilty that I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables.
Having a full scholarship for college, a (used) car my parents gave me, and now having quite a lot of money in investments.
Putting in about 5 hours of actual work per week, and spending the rest of the time sitting at the computer finding ways to occupy myself. I'm not lazy, I'm just very efficient at my job, and I'm not very good at looking for other work to do.
I'm pretty good at shame and guilt, so there's a lot I obsess over. That said, there's still plenty I just can't bring myself to feel bad about, despite what others may say:
1. Selling our first house at the top of the market.
2. Buying our second house towards the low-end of the market in a cheaper area.
3. Buying a good-sized house with a top-of-the-line kitchen on a large lot.
4. Paying for my son's occupational therapy out-of-pocket instead of waiting a year for his evaluation (at which we'll be told OT isn't covered by the province).
5. Letting my wife support me while I go back to graduate school.
6. Moving back to the US after a few years in Canada.
7. Easily choosing to move near my in-laws; not for a second, a millisecond even, considering a move close to my mother.
8. Being an atheist and insisting on raising my son "that way."
Almost forgot this one:
9. Being gay and expecting to lead a life that includes marriage, kids, a house, and a job.
Eh-hem.
I'm Arwen, and I write too much in other people's comment boxes.
Ooo. Shame! One of my favorite topics! I should be ashamed of myself for
--Choosing discontinue taking the antipsychotic pills I was prescribed a month ago.
--Wishing I could stay home with my kids even though I have a really cool job.
--Giving birth at home. On purpose.
--The massive amount of student loan debt I've accumulated.
--Doing less than 50% of the household chores.
--Really, really missing meat. (I've been vegetarian for 7 years.)
guilt:
- Starting and raising a child with someone who dumped me while she was pregnant.
- Being the kind of bad-personality guy that mostly can't succeed with women.
- Being the kind of needy insecure person that tries to buy love by doing too much for others
- Hating doing taxes so much that I stalled on a complicated-tax year and then procrastinated until they hit me with a lien
- Being overweight, because I do know how to control it, and sometimes have the self-discipline
1. Enjoying booze.
2. Enjoying cigars and other nefarious means to destroy my lungs.
3. Being overweight.
4. Not caring about 1-3.
5. Saying the world 'fuck' (and some derivation thereof) too often.
6. Being scared of Republicans when I use public bathrooms.
Disrespecting my parents by disagreeing with them and saying so. (That would be my sister speaking.
Having a beautiful 4 bedroom house in a diverse neighborhood near shopping and restaurants. For only 2 people and 1 cat.
The fact that I'd rather read a book than do anything else. (Yes anything.)
Using my frequent flyer miles to upgrade to first or business class.(I have a friend who insists that first class only exists so the elite can look down on the lower classes. Given that he's about 6'6" you'd think he'd know better.)
Not currently using either my graduate or undergraduate degrees for any, being instead a kept woman.
Driving a slightly gaz guzzling (but only slightly!) convertible.
MKK
- Totally, totally believe in (and understand) the concept of evolution and think that those who don't are backwards
- am pro-choice despite believing that abortion is generally ugly and wrong
- donated eggs to infertile aunt and don't believe her infertility was "part of God's plan to make her adopt"
- am about to donate eggs to one of my gay brothers and his partner
- am weaning my son off the breast so that I can do the former
- am still working (and loving) my corporate job, despite being a mom
- still have a job even though all of my former employees (and most co-workers) have been laid off
- am not ashamed of any of the above
According to everybody else I should be abso-fuckin'-lutly ashamed that I smoke. What they don't realize is that I like it.
Complaining relentlessly about the state of the planet, humanity's ecological footprint, and the gross inequities in our global society, and then purposefully bringing another human into the world. Depending on the ratio of my guilt to my love for my kid 6 months from now, it will either get cloth diapers or diapers fashioned out of twine and old newspapers that I dig out of the recycling bin.
But I'm tired of talking about what an asshole I am, and especially what an asshole my little sister is.
[Since I didn't have to read the thread when it might have done some good.] Not. Just got caught up in the Great Greenspan Ponzi scheme.
What assholish things should you be ashamed of, according to Everyone Else?
According to Everyone Else, I should be ashamed of not getting caught up in the Great Greenspan Ponzi Scheme. Also: I have a moral code, and it's my moral code, and I make every attempt to adhere to it, and nobody likes that, since large parts of my moral code are near-identical to commonly expressed but entirely unpracticed social moral code. Also, I am a Bad Person, and let's see, I didn't support/buy my ex- a house. Also, I don't lie if I can possibly avoid it. (This looks the same as, but is not the same as, Poor Social Skills.)
What I actually should be ashamed of is none of those things of course, I SHOULD be ashamed of bulldozering everything that gets in my path with the razor I use for a tongue. Because ya know, I really love war. It's so immoral. I should've been a Viking.
m, sad wings of destiny
1. Taking meds for depression.
2. Having been depressed.
3. Scars - with you there wolfa.
4. Not checking my voicemail
5. Not being vegan.
6. Not eating red meat. (yeah, 5-6 are from different sets of people)
7. Liking starbucks and drinking it often.
8. Being female and sexual.
9. Taking four years to forgive the guy who took advantage of me, since I was drunk at the time.
10. Not having written my grad school applications - and having no clue what to say on them.
wanting nothing more than a cup of tea,and Ativan and a bed when I should be parenting, wifing and working
Yhea Sister of Dr. B!
I feel ashamed that I too want to run away at least a few times every week. After all, the things(kids, career, huband, etc.) I have where my choice right?
I'm also ashamed of reading this thread at work. I should be working.
Beatrice, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. That's one of the hardest decisions anyone will ever have to make, and either way it's inexcusable for someone to criticize.
1. Too much internet time.
2. Being content about being fat.
3. Not having the high sex drive I used to before kids.
4. Buying clothes that are made in sweatshops--there just aren't a lot of options for plus sized women.
5. Living in relative wealth and still having money be tight every month.
1) Not volunteering despite keeping meaning to because I'm enjoying having some actual for real free time after years of working full-time, studying part-time and raising kids (all at the same time).
2) Feeling smug about having had kids as a teenager and thus being able to have had a career *and* kids without any of that tedious mid-30s biological clock stuff.
3) Feeling even more smug about the fact that I've got disposable income just as my kids go to college and I've still got the energy to have a good enough time to embarrass them.
4) Really, really, enjoying freaking out other people when my 19 year old (but looking 25) son wanders in the room and calls me 'mum'. The effect is enhanced by the fact that I frequently get mistaken for 30. Wait, that's more smugness...
OK, so I'm fecking smug. That's my assholery.
Hey, we're jealous. At least we're not storming the Bastille, eh.
- being rich, compared to the other grad students in my program
- using my husband's salary to pay for childcare so that I can finish my dissertation (ie, "buying" a PhD that others have to "earn")
- loving every minute of the time I spend with my daughter, who is astonishingly beautiful, incredibly verbal and smart, and just much more interesting than most other babies
- driving a brand new gas-guzzling car that my family bought for us (despite the fact that we're rich)
- spending more than $600 per month on groceries - lots of fresh organic produce
- thinking of myself as a serious, um, thinker, not despite but because of the fact that I am a mom
1) spending $100 on a dinner out last night just because my partner and i had a bad day
2) taking the semester off to finish my dissertation and letting my partner support me
2b) not writing enough during the day and still not taking responsibility for household stuff
3) letting my mother pay off my massive student loan debt, even though she can afford it
4) feeling pudgy even though i wear a size 4
5) admitting no. 4
I should be ashamed of the following: *cue sarcasm*
Drinking a few beers with friends--sometimes even on WEEKNIGHTS! The HORROR! *gasp*
not wanting to dote upon my ultra needy mother
Living in a dirty, nasty city and having the balls to raise a child in it.
Spending money on good food and wine
blogging when I should be working
Having fake nails and getting them done every two weeks (yeah..there goes *MY* Feminist Cred card)
generally not liking my drama filled family. (especially since the only person who loved and defended my strange ways passed away last October... )
hating the PTA Moms
Sending my kid to a parochial school while being a Big Fat Heathen.
ma..the list is long.
I'm ashamed of some youthful indiscretions and ignorant actions, but aren't we all? As an adult, I find myself ashamed at how racism still affects my thoughts, even though I try to educate myself and be aware. It's not so much a "guilty white liberal" thing, it's just the knowing that it's thoughts like these that make other people's lives that much harder. It's painful to realize.
Oh gawd, I'm on a roll now.
according to my counter-culture (can we still use that term?) friends:
5) not caring enough about this to go and tie myself to a tree, stand in front of a digger or do anything more than hopelessly join yet another protest march. And often not even that.
6) enjoying the fact I own my own (admittedly small) house (wups, more smugness)
7) not being vegetarian, despite living with one
8 ) being completely unapologetic about not being vegetarian (wait, ohmigawd that's even more smugness)
9) working for a big ol' corporate company (and hence earning actual money) when I could be doing something 'green'.
10) even *worse* the big ol' corporate company is a (gasp) multinational and hence is all globalised an' everything. And globalisation is bad, very, very bad. (Never actually figured this one out. I work for a US company from my living room in Europe. I do good work, they pay me good money. What, exactly is the problem?)
and according to some work colleagues:
9) not learning Perl
10) and hence still writing Korn scripts
11) being an extremely rubbish sysadmin for my small work server and having to be 'rescued' when I've fouled things up. Again.
(I work for an IT company)
Can I just add not being able to count?
Dang, totally missed the "what others think you should be ashamed of" angle...
Okay, others would think I should be ashamed because:
I love my partner.
I like and lust men.
I like and lust women.
I don't have a college degree.
I don't care that I don't have a college degree.
My religion differs from the mainstream.
My appreciation for differing religions - it doesn't have to conflict!
Oh, it can go on and on...
According to everyone else, I should feel guilty for :
- not breastfeeding
- working at a conservative financial institution
- paying full price (okay, so I do hit the sales and use coupons when I get them) for my daughter's clothes
- calling most liberals "crazy liberals" when infact I consider myself liberal
What I should be ashamed of, but I'm not:
1) living with my father while trying to get away from a horribly passive-agressive man (don't worry-I'm paying to live there)
2) finishing my grad degree and staying in a dead-end job for a year and a half because it was comfortable
3) driving everywhere because I just love to drive
4) loving meat and hoping someone will give me some of their freshly killed deer, turkey, etc.
5) my subscription to Netflix-why should anyone feel guilty about using a service that saves you money?
6) playing with my "toys"-I still believe that a vibrator is a single/married/divorced woman's best friend
Things I'm ashamed about:
1) my age (not because I can't handle it, but because of the immediate dismissal of dating potential because I'm an "old" woman--I'm in my late thirties)
2) being molested as a child-can't find a way to get over this-I was raised Catholic and good Catholic girls don't let their privates get touched-I've tried therapy to help get rid of this sense of shame, but no luck
3) feeling that I can't be honest with my friends about some of the horrible decisions I've made in the past because I'm afraid they'd stop associating with me-I'm a coward
4) Not being enough of a Bitch to say Fuck Off to assholes!
Thanks, Dr. B-this was a great exercise!
What I do feel ashamed about at the moment:
checking this comment thread over and over when I should be writing. But writing is hard and sucks.
(Oh yeah, apparently I SHOULD be ashamed of thinking that writing is hard and sucks because I *chose* a life of writing when I entered a PhD program in the humanities. But writing IS hard and DOES suck. So there.)
I am perfect and beyond reproach. So I won't comment.
Ashamed of believing Colin Powell when he claimed the US had proof of the existence of WMD in Iraq, and actually defending, for a few weeks, the decision to invade Iraq. I've been had!
-not being as skinny as I was when I was anorexic
-wanting to be that skinny again
-procrastinating
-not being totally honest with my boyfriend
-lusting after people other than my boyfriend
-letting my parents pay the rent
-wanting to be alone
-having sex
-not liking my boyfriend's fraternity parties
-being flaky
-being late
-not giving to charity
-not seeing my maternal grandmother ever
1. Not donating to charity but I have enough money. Not even the library. Even S.O. is starting to get on my case about it. And my company matches contributions.
2. Believing the govt. takes quite enough of my salary (28% + 6%) to help the needy, thank you, so f*** off charity people.
3. Not going to ever birth kids because I don't like pain and the "wonderful changes" that follow. Oh no! Our wonderful family genes!
3.5. I may adopt but only wonderful, cute babies that are free of disease and are not special needs.
4. Feeling superior to people who drive to work cuz I take the bus - and feeling disgusted when the bus smells funny.
5. Buying nice things for myself.
6. Losing weight with little effort.
7. being a feminist libertarian. I mean, that's just wrong, isn't it?
I feel better now.
This is a tough one. I struggle with shame and regret all the time. I put far more shame and pressure on myself than anybody else does. I made a list and deleted it because I am ashamed of some of them.
-Owning 60 lbs of yarn?
-Doing physics cuz it's cool, though it doesn't save the world, and even though you're a girl?
-Not telling everyone you're a tranny?
-Stuck as all but dissertated?
-Being queer & not wanting to "be just like everybody else"?
-"Being gay and expecting to lead a life that includes marriage, kids, a house, and a job."
Wow, you people's shames make you awesome people, in my book.
Hi, Dr. B. Longtime lurker here, posting for the first time, yay!
1) Getting a really high GPA in uni without really having to work at it;
1.a) Not getting a job even if I have a lot of free time in uni that goes to waste;
1.b) Not cleaning my dirty bomb of a room with said free time.
2) Using plastic bags from the grocery store then throwing them away instead of using them for something else, e.g. line trashcans, asphyxiate the neighbor's annoying dogs...oops, did I say that out loud?
3) Eating calorie-loaded food and not seeming to gain any weight;
4) Buying an expensive-ass violin instead of sticking with the still ok one I had;
4.a) Not using the money that went to said expensive-ass violin for better things, i.e. charity or paying for my education so my parents don't;
5) Living with my parents and 3 siblings in a tiny, 2br, 2ba apartment and not really caring that society dictates I should already be moving out, having my own life, blah blah;
6) Being dishonest, like, a lot;
7) Having a high sex drive;
7.a) Using said high sex drive in places I'm not supposed to (heehee).
Not being a demure, simpering female like I'm supposed to be;
9) Planning to make more money than teh bf so when we get married (or not; we can just "live in sin") I can support his music.
10) Not having a driver's license. In California!!!
sitting around drinking coffee and reading blogs rather than being a contributing member of society.
consuming more than one beer per day. every day.
swearing in front of my children
ok, not really, but I know I should feel guilty....
"Wow, you people's shames make you awesome people, in my book."
... True to all of those. And I am *jealous* of anyone with 60 lbs of yarn.
1.) Having to move back in with parents after college, and the fact that I'll probably be there until age 24. (The only job I could get that allows me to gain experience in my specific science niche without requiring me to commit to grad school immediately doesn't pay enough for me to live independently.)
2.) The fact that I'm probably going to wuss out on asking for a tubal at the gynecologist next week and just ask for a 10-year IUD instead.
3.) Being 25 pounds overweight.
4.) Having a boyfriend instead of being a tough, independent single woman with career goals only!
4.5.) Only having one real female friend.
5.) Having depression and social anxiety.
6.) Not volunteering my time to worthy organizations, even though commuting + work takes up 13 hours of every weekday.
7.) Pissing around and posting on blogs at work.
Generally, there's no shame in my game. Frankly, I only feel ashamed when I'm caught doing something I know or think I shouldn't do.
That said, my confession follows:
Forgive me Dr for I have sinned;
I was recently caught out in a lie by my wife. Be a long time before I live that down.
I've been scared enough to, er, soil my person.
That was 38 years ago but the shame remains live.
To find out was so scary, you'll have to buy me a drink.
Two drinks.
I'm ashamed that:
I am *absolutely* totally *jealous* of every woman who is pregnant or has a newborn. It's not you, it's me, but still, fuck you.
I am *absolutely* totally *jealous* of that girl I used to work with who is due soon with her *first* pregnancy with *twins*!!! Oh, isn't she so perfect and lucky and blessed and deserving?? Fuck you Marie for saying she "deserves" her happiness, do you mean that I don't deserve happiness??
You know, I probably shouldn't feel so ashamed - our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and our second one ended in stillbirth. But I can't get past the societal expectation that I'm just supposed to suck it up and be sweet and nice and good.
I'm ashamed that my favorite word in the English language is probably "Fuck." I should blame that on my husband, but he stopped his overusage of that word, and I have become worse. Though I don't use the word as much as his grandmother. Yet.
I'm ashamed that I have a certification exam tomorrow that I have paid a bundle for that I don't really have the cash on hand for and I haven't studied really. Oh, and I don't really like my nice job.
I'm ashamed that I don't like my job, I just got a promotion, I think I'm terrible at my job (though others don't think that) and there is a 30 million dollar project on the line.
I'm ashamed that I have three crazy dogs and a cat and I really kinda wish I only had one of the dogs. Even though his farts are nasty.
I'm ashamed that I spend so much money on crap that doesn't matter. Like the HD Digital Cable.
I'm not ashamed that I am having a pity party for myself right now though. I blame it on the cold medicine. (Which always leaves me depressed)
The more I think about it...the more comes up.
Everyone Else believes I should be ashamed for marrying an abusive man at 19 and having his kid. Truth is, I'm Not. In fact...I'm quite PROUD to be a survivor of domestic Violence who speaks freely of my experiences. I left him. I raised my daughter on my own, I worked, gained experience and decent employment.
I don't have a college degree.
I don't care. I still..somehow, seem to keep getting better employment positions. Something about experience....
1. wanted to lose weight for vain reasons, not health
2. thinking about losing weight instead of thinking about the plight of others
3. having enough money to survive with luxuries while others get back
4. the days when I drive my car to work instead of taking public transportation
5. being snarky about people
6. stuff I did in high school
7. putting up with emotional abuse
8. being born on third (though I try not to think I hit a triple)
Ooh, and I should be ashamed of loving this commercial and making everyone watch it with me, regularly.
Some of these I'm actually ashamed of, others I'm not, but I "should be".
1.Not being in a "real" Masters program (or so they say- my field is still developing and I guess that means it doesn't count)
2. Wanting to make money AND have a fulfilling career AND not work more than 40 hours per week, and knowing that money and reasonable hours will not be forthcoming once I graduate.
3. Related to number 2- I'm a big ol' feminist, but I still want to partner with someone rich so I can do what I love and not have to worry about money.
4. Not wanting babies (boy, that's popular)
5. Driving a van which was handed down to me from my grandparents for free.
6. Not getting oil changed on above van often enough
7. Not going to see above grandparents often enough.
8. Paying extra for soymilk instead of regular milk, just because I like it better.
There's a ton more, but I'm also ashamed of:
9. commenting on Bitch's blog when I should be writing a lit review.
I'm perfect and beyond reproach
The thing I'm really ashamed of?
Sleeping with my best friends husband.
She never knew
She still doesn't
she is still my best friend
but I harbor that guilt
that secret.That shame.
Sometimes, I pretend it never happened.
It was a mistake. I can't take it back. I just live with a bad decision, never wanting to repeat it.
Even if I do fantasize about it sometimes....
Oh, whoops. First list was stuff I am actually ashamed of. As far as what other people think I should be ashamed of, I only have one, but it's a biggie.
I have a great job and I'm pursuing a degree and I'm smart as hell and a force to be reckoned with.....
But all I really want in the world is to stay home and have babies and a huge garden and can green beans and knit and stuff. My biggest life dream is to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Forever.
My girlfriends that are my own age are all planning on having their husbands stay home with their babies or putting them in daycare because they are STRONG CAREER WOMEN. So was my Mom. She ignored and resented me. That's why I hate her.
Fascinating to observe that the lists of "what people think you should be ashamed of" have so far included:
1) not wanting babies
2) wanting babies more than a career
3) putting the babies to one side for said career
4) putting the career to one side for said babies
5) coveting other women's babies
6) being totally uninterested in other women's babies
Ya can't win, can ya?
I should be ashamed of having a baby while in vet school and wanting the school to provide me with a room that has both a door lock *and* an electrical outlet so I can pump.
Though, here in the UK, I should apparently be ashamed that I am not taking this year off of school to be at home suckling my offspring.
Honestly, I don't think anyone I know ever suggests that I should be ashamed of myself for anything that I do or am. Nor do I feel more indirect social pressure to be ashamed. I guess part of that is living in liberal urban areas. Anyway, thanks, everyone I know! I never realized before that most people are exposed to so much judgment.
Or maybe it's a generational thing -- I'm only 27.
- reading blogs all day instead of drawing or working on my visa application
- making/letting my husband pay for everything when we go out
- resenting my husband for not paying as much rent as i do
- not being such a shining beacon of faith that my husband is inspired to convert to judaism
- decide that i have social anxiety & use it as an excuse rather than try to muscle through it
-living off my parents & grandparents for the last nine years
- not having student debt or working while i was getting my degree
- not looking for a job, or trying to get around the fact that i don't have a work visa
- not wanting a real job. wanting to stay home, make comics, freelance illustrate & have lots of babies while my husband works
- letting my cooking talents languish
- being horrible at housekeeping, even though i'm home all the time
- getting accolades on my work & then having no motivation to be productive
- writing autobio comix when everyone knows those are for whiny, self-indulgent narcissists who can't be bothered to actually create fiction or do the research for real nonfiction
- having a higher sex drive than my husband (that's not the ashamed part, it's that i can't shake the voice that says he'd have more desire if i were sexier)
- lusting after lots of men, & some women
jeezis. i could go on, but i think i ought to stop. i can't think of anything that others think i should feel guilty for but i don't. i feel guilty about *everything*.
Bitch, I know you've got to be lovin' this.
People, y'all just rock. (That's the technical psychological nomenclature for anything occurring along Axis I and II.)
Oh, did I mention that Ambien and alcohol dance already? I did? Heh.(smiling)
i'm ashamed my comment took up so much space.
I'm ashamed of a lot of things.
Man, can I make some lousy decisions.
Frankly , I think you do well.
Maybe not eating out so much but
you're probably working late, and
on the go all the time. I eat out
too much too. I'd like a koi pond but
hell I can make one. I'm sorry about
not getting the house. I do own my
house but before you get too darn impressed there my parents left it me.
socil climbing? well to my knowledge no one is too crazy about having me as
a friend anyway and frankly I don't blame them. I hope you can get it
worked out about the house. Maybe
you could get some land and just build the house. I really enjoy
reading your blog and not i'm not kissing up. Take care pam
Getting old
Being lazy in my work, irresponsible with money, irresponsible with time, not focusing on my career, not having any type of foresight, not being ambitious enough, gaining weight, not having any friends or social relationships, messing up the social relationships I already have with relatives and the few friends I had....the list goes on. This is cathartic in a way, I feel a little bit better, and maybe tomorrow, I might try to start fixing these issues. I know the damage is NOT permanent, and I WILL recover and get back on my feet, heading towards where I want to be.
-spending money on things I don't need
-spending money to make myself feel better
-liking the feeing of overeating
-knowing I am going to break up with my bf in less than a year to move away when he thinks I am going to stay here for him
-not having made up my mind about whether or not I want children
-not speaking up when people I know make misogynistic comments
-secretly feeling superior for making more money than my friends
1. thinking for myself only
2. lying to my girlfriend alot
3. being a hypocrite
4. two faced
not having a job yet. i have a college degree but luckily i dont have to worry about money because my mother is kind enough to support me.
Things I am genuinely ashamed about:
Not losing all of my pregnancy weight.
Having a repro-tech kid instead of adopting an unwanted one, even though the idea of an unwanted child makes me weep.
Not being an activist anymore. But I am exhausted.
Really liking it when my kid's asleep.
Liking reading better than cuddling before sleep.
Publishing a first book that wasn't good enough.
1. Having a sailboat _and_ an apartment.
2. Not living on said boat (we used to).
3. Having no job, although I really ought to secure one by the end of the year.
- Getting not one, but 2, really prestigious grants to finish my doc field work, but not caring so much about the doctorate anymore; just enjoying the fieldwork part.
- Being in incredible debt for said degree, yet contemplating staying in "3rd world" country where I work, being ABD forever, and raising chickens and growing organic foods on a farm while volunteering in an underfunded indigenous school.
- Hating being in America right now. A lot. Even if it´s just for a few weeks.
- Believing in God and Destiny and a host of other things that my "smart" colleagues believe to be naive and/or "unreflexive".
- Wanting to leave my husband over reasons 1-4, among others, even though we are "perfect for each other".
1. Being lazy as hell.
2. Dropping out of my PhD program at 28, living the next 7 years in a dead-end job, going back to school in my late 30s (I should feel like I accomplished something, getting off my ass and going back to a PhD program, but all the young 'uns in my classes make me feel ashamed and old)
3. Spending time writing, reading blogs rather than studying.
4. Not visiting my parents for almost 5 years, despite being more than happy to take their money.
5. Not feeling guilty about not feeling guilty.
I "should" be ashamed of myself for:
1. Getting a four-year degree in journalism instead of pursuing a pediatrics degree.
2. Realizing immediately after that I *hate* journalism, not to mention personally hating 90% of the journalists I know/read.
3. Flip-flopping between wanting to pursue a nursing degree and wanting to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, as my husband makes an obsene amount of money.
-3a. Wanting to donate a good deal of that money to charity, but never getting around to it.
-3b. Refusing to set up a college fund for my future children.
4. Constantly refusing to become a stay-at-home mother because I have already demonstrated in another situation that being such would drive me to suicidal depression, and that I would probably take it out on the kids.
5. Never, ever writing a thank-you note to my judgemental aunt who faithfully sent us Christmas presents every year because she "felt sorry for the poor children" (my parents don't celebrate Christmas, and her presents were CRAP anyway--make-up and earrings for tomboys? scrap books for an eight-year-old? wtf?).
-5b. Refusing to "behave" in the same aunt's neo-conservative "How to Be A Lady" class in church, and "spoiling" a group of teenaged girls by telling them that putting myself through college has been the best thing in the world for me, and that they shouldn't be afraid to voice their opinions to their husbands or anyone else.
-5c. Refusing to date the church boy my aunt tried to set me up with, choosing instead to fall in love with someone outside the church (GASP!).
-5d. Finally telling my aunt to fuck herself, and "disappearing" from her radar by leaving her church and never contacting her again.
6. Taking out a $10k student loan in my senior year of college to pay and plan for a wedding I never wanted. (My parents are bankrupt; his mom is bankrupt; his dad makes $120/hr and told us explicitly that he wanted an extraveganza -- and refused to pay for it.)
-6a. Canceling the wedding I hated after a year's worth of planning against the wishes of my husband and our families, and then getting him to agree to elope with me.
-6b. Spending the entire $10k loan on myself--at first on constantly eating out to cope with the pressure, and then on "selfish" therapy for situational depression.
-6c. Loving my MIL's side of the family and despising my FIL's side of the family as a result. Planning to tell my FIL that I hate him in the future.
-6d. NOT APOLOGIZING TO ANYONE FOR MY "FAKE" WEDDING.
7. Having a much, much higher sex-drive than my husband, and making him blush in public more than once with lewd hints.
8. Liking to wear black clothing rather than pastels.
9. Totally and completely resenting my parents for giving me the responsibility of raising my 3mo old brother--when I was ten years old.
10. Eating meat every damn day and not recycling.
Keep in mind that this list is over the past four years alone. I am 21. Thanks for the space to have a pity party, Dr. B. Best of luck.
Also, taking up a hell of a lot of space in Dr. B's comment page while not even having a blog of my own to link to. 
The things I feel guilty about...
1. Moving to another continent away from my family and my husband's family (still planning to go back though)
2. Not doing exercise lately (I ran a marathon last December for Christ sake!)
3. Not really wanting to have kids out of selfish reasons
4. Spending too much time online at work and at home
5. Not putting more effort into learning the language of the country where I am living now (everybody speaks English! And no, my first language is NOT English)
6. Not cooking more often
7. Not being more crazy about bio-organic stuff. I have turned into a vegetarian, so I guess I am doing my little something about it.
8. Not doing enough for Breast Cancer Research (ran Race for the Cure last year, but this year I have not done anything)
9. Hating my sister in law (she has been nasty to me, but that is no excuse)
I have a complete lack of conscience so I don't lie nearly enough.
This is like a big exercise in self-righteousness, isn't it?
Thanks Faculties -- unfortunately I think you're right. Welcome to the mutual appreciation society. We're all such amazing people! How dare anyone criticize us in any way?! I'll pretend to think you're amazing if you w'll do the same.
1. That my husband and I do not want children...ever
2. I would rather raise dogs than children.
3. That I have not attended Mass in years.
4. That I haven't spoken to my in-laws since Christmas.
5. That I walked away from a successful career as a lawyer to be an academic.
Wow, there's more, but I don't want to take up too much time. (See, there's another!)
Also preferring to read over cuddling before bed.
Being overweight.
Reading this blog and IMing at work on a daily basis.
Having two beautiful children but secretly wishing that my husband and I were divorced so I could have more alone time.
Moving away from my family.
Moving away from my husband's family.
Promising to return to the same state as them when I finished school, but changing our plans when I was offered a good job at my alma mater.
Having thoughts of running away.
Not pursuing a PhD when I have the grades, have the drive, and have the vagina to get me into a great program (its one of THOSE fields).
Desperately wanting to pursue said degree even though it would mean further neglect of my family.
Jeez, B. You cornered the academic blog market... what are you trying to do now, become the new PostSecret too???
Things I actually feel guilty about:
1. taking large grant to stay in small country when I could have gone to fancier PhD programs elsewhere with no funding (I feel guilty about not having debt . . . as if it makes for a less serious student)
2. flying across the ocean to see my sweetie (jet fuel!!)
3. not working hard enough on dissertation or publishing
4. being too ambitious (not wanting to have a baby during PhD or postdoc)
5. not being ambitious enough (not willing to never have a baby in order to get a better TT job)
Things I don't feel guilty about:
1. eating delicious animals and plants
2. taking vacations if I can afford them
3. reading novels and poetry
Assholish things I should be ashamed of, according to everyone else (*things I am actually ashamed of):
1. I eat at McDonald's, and take my child there to eat. And I don't make her get the apples instead of the fries every time, just every other time.*
2. Having only one child, and refusing to go through thousands of dollars of fertility treatment to have another (secondary infertility is a bitch, but the worst part of it is the child you already have begging you for a sibling).
3. Refusing to adopt a sibling for said child.*
4. Spending too much time trolling the internets and not enough time trying to find a job.
5. Limiting my job search to jobs that will allow me to fully parent my child (i.e.: be home after school and in the summers.).
Getting married (one week!).
Buying a dress to marry in.
The #1 assholish thing that I should be ashamed of (but am not), according to Everyone Else is that I am cheating on my husband. The "other man" is also married and we have no intention of ever leaving our current spouses. We just need a bit of an escape. We also know that we will end after it has run it's course. It is completely discrete and secret. Well, except you guys know now. Shhh, don't tell anyone.
Using money we should put towards debt reduction to finish my left arm tattoo sleeve and start and finish the right arm sleeve. My back piece is next!
Being sexual even though I am fat.
Being exasperated with my sister even though she is bipolar.
Resenting taking care of my mother even though I pushed for it.
I’m not feeling the shame in a lot of what I’ve read, but maybe I’m just jealous.
I’m not ashamed of the following, but if I had any sense, I guess I would be. --
1. Credit card debt.
2. Having a job strictly to pay the bills. Someone else can think of the children.
3. Having an unplanned ULC wedding that none of our family or friends attended because they weren’t invited.
4. Being married to a transvestite and not “warning” people about it before they meet my spouse. This is my Baptist father’s stance, anyway.
5. Legally changing my last name and using my previous last name as a middle name. My friends thought I sold out on all counts. My parents thought it was pretentious for me to have three names (like that arrogant fuck, Mary Tyler Moore, I suppose).
6. Quitting my job without warning to anyone (and also reducing over half our household income), in attend school full time and earn a Ph.D., despite the fact that I have no clear vision of what I would like to do with it.
7. Spending gobs of money on things like LASIK and a decadent month in Europe before finally deciding to quit my job. General financial irresponsibility.
8. Having a trust fund when I was 18 that I pissed away by age 25.
9. Not visiting my parents much, even though they’re a couple of hours away.
10. Accepting money from my parents.
11. Being of Mexican ancestry and not knowing Spanish.
12. Secretly taking Spanish classes at a JC because I don’t want anyone at my university to somehow be a witness if it turns out I cannot grasp the language. I’m also afraid I might fail and I don’t want it to affect my GPA.
13. Renting places instead of owning a house like (I assume) all the rest of the thirtysomethings.
14. Being noticeably overweight.
15. Going from anorexia to being overweight over and over again. It’s a pattern I’ve held since I was 18.
16. Having an eating disorder and a very unhealthy relationship with food.
17. Procrastination and screwing around when I should be working or researching or something else.
18. Being really jealous of my sister. She’s a professional athlete and finished some BFD M.B.A/Biophysics Ph.D. program when she was 23. I am in perpetual terrible shape, suck at all sports and didn’t even start college until I was in my twenties.
19. Never ever drinking diet soda.
20. Not drinking enough water.
21. Having an extremely short temper and being quick to get into an argument. I am not afraid to make a scene.
22. Usually having a semi-tidy house, but never an actual clean house.
23. Being too judgmental.
24. Hating being judged.
25. Having a car and using it when I probably could walk, except I don’t want to show up to places all hot and sweaty.
26. Having no hobbies that require skill or thought.
27. Going out and getting drunk on weekends.
28. Sounding like a rube because I am a rube. Being a rube amongst a prep school and Ivy League educated crowd.
29. Being obsessed with grades.
30. Reacting badly to criticism. I usually feel humiliated and cry or get angry and start yelling because I have poor coping skills.
31. Not using contraceptive devices other than condoms.
32. Planning to get knocked up in 3 years, and since I want to maintain a career outside the home and my spouse does not, my spouse will work as a stay at home parent. This is the worst thing ever and a huge waste of my spouse’s talent and potential, according to my mother-in-law.
33. Supported my spouse through law school and bar exams, even though there was never an intention to actually practice law. You would be surprised at how many people disapproved of this and would tell hash out the Betty Broderick story since it is (not) so parallel to my situation.
34. Undergoing expensive “beauty” treatments like laser hair removal and Japanese Thermal Reconditioning because I conform to patriarchal norms that dark body hair on a female is not acceptable and a silky head of hair is best.
35. Taking up so much room.
become the new PostSecret too???
Or the new Hearing Aid? (John Brunner, The Shockwave Rider, 1975)
Having pets. Depending on the time of day and who you ask, I should be guilty because a) I'm traveling for work for about 3 days every other week, which means I'm neglecting them; b) when I AM home, I stay home to be with them to the exclusion of almost all else, which means I'm anti-social; or c) they're rats, which means I'm unsanitary and disgusting for petting them and picking them up and not leaving them locked in the cage 24 hours a day. (Seriously, I have been told this, because people are assholes.)
I am ashamed of what my country has done in Iraq and to the Iraqi people. I am ashamed of what my country has not done in Darfur. I am ashamed to identify myself as an America when traveling abroad. I am ashamed that so many people whine in this country about what they don't have, when so many in the world are struggling to find food to eat and water to drink. I am ashamed that I have not given up my life of privilege to help others.
Everyone Else is pretty sure I should be living in a bigger (and much cleaner) house, particularly one not quite so close to students. And Everyone Else is probably right that I give too much advice. But I will deign to tell two stories that changed my financial life.
1) Back when I was a post doc, a group of us ate lunch together at a restaurant near campus. One day, a fellow post doc started bringing his lunch. So he could buy a car, he said. Now $100 a month was not a car payment, even then, but it made me realize the difference between short-term thinking and longer-term thinking. What do I want more, a new car (or house) or a fast-food lunch? I began to appreciate the nagging my parents had to ignore as we kids did not get "things" so we could get our college education paid for.
2) Due to the usual screwups one has in any bureaucracy, my automatic transfer to pay off a car loan at a college credit union continued after the loan was paid off. We never missed the money (we had been living without it), so we let it ride. That decision turned out to be crucial one time when I was between jobs for several months, while at another time it allowed us to almost pay cash for a new car. It was like buying the car in advance, earning interest instead of paying it. We continue to do this, only now the money is not going into a 1% account.
Nothing holier than thou here. Case 2 was pure luck, not good planning on our part. If the college had not screwed up, we would probably be flat broke today. But I tell you the story because there is no better source of knowledge than what other people stumble upon while living their life.
things people have told me i should be ashamed of:
-- that a relative once tried to kill me. ["but you must have done something to make her act that way..."] also, i should just forgive and forget, since so much time has passed.
-- that i did not quit work and stay home after children were born.
-- that i only breastfed a few months.
-- that i cared for my grandmother with alzheimers ["she wouldn't have gotten it if you hadn't moved her across the country."]
-- that my son had a terrible patch of behavioral and substance problems as a teenager ["not a good mother."]
-- that we tried everything we could think of to help him. ["why didn't you ask ME what to do?"] ["it's cruel to put him in a program like that."] ["don't waste your money, just listen to him; he'll be fine."]
-- an alternative criticism is that we did not just throw our teen son into the street and change the locks. ["tough love."]
-- that i weigh too much. ["there's an excercycle thing you can just put under your desk."]
-- that my hair is getting silver. ["you can do something about that, you know."]
-- that i should be earning more money.
-- that my house should be cleaner.
-- that my taste in clothing and home decor stinks.
-- that setting boundaries for personal service to certain toxic relatives is "mean" and "selfish". what better way to spend my time than on them?
i actually would like to do better with budgeting, controlling the mess, losing some weight, and getting my efficiency back with work. also, i rather wish i did not remember so clearly ways that people have thought i failed.
These are awesome.
And no, I don't think it's self-righteous for people to say "fuck you" to social expectations that they know they're bucking. Because it's damn hard to do a lot of these things--be fat, not "use" your degree, not want kids, want kids when you "can't afford them," have eating disorders, and all the rest of it. And living with that sense of guilt is fucking shitty.
If people didn't feel a twinge of guilt, they wouldn't need to be self-righteous. I include myself.
Having an opinion and speaking it out loud.
So a lot of us have put some version of "being fat" on our lists. The thing I'm genuinely ashamed of (and Everyone Else doesn't know) is this:
I'm fat by any reasonable standard, and I fucking hate it when people judge me based on that.
But I am judgmental of anyone I see who is *way* fatter than me. Like somehow I've decided that my level of being overweight is acceptable (because I know how I live and how I would have to live to look otherwise), but that anyone beyond that threshold must be truly and grotesquely out of control.
I know this makes no sense. But the thoughts happen before I can process them. Anyone else?
I "should" be ashamed of (* = actually ashamed of, at least sometimes):
1. Being fat, a fat woman no less, and having the gall to be happy with who I am.
2. Having no desire to have children. Also of being vulnerable to caving in to the pressure to have them anyway.* Not liking other people's children.
3. Wanting to become, by turns, a performing artist or a college professor, rather than a political activist/organizer or someone whose work is more directly involved in helping the world.* I just don't have the right personality or energy.
4. Moving into the liberal bougie middle class-slash-being a poor kid who has gained tremendous social capital by obtaining an ivy league diploma. And more than kinda liking it.* Corollary: having snobby food/alcohol tastes.
5. Referring to myself as "a poor kid" when, though our family income certainly qualified us as such, our "culture" is/was more middle/upper class.
6. Not being able to cook. Like, at all.
7. Only applying to one Ph.D. program instead of casting a wider net.
8. Not having a great relationship with my mother, though I know how much she's done for me and that she's a really good person.*
9. Being judgmental and snarky.
10. Being a serial procrastinator; lack of productivity due to perfectionism.*
11. Not wanting to spend time with a friend who has some serious mental issues.* It's just too exhausting.
Things other people want me to feel shame about:
1. Not talking to my mom. She's either shamed/manipulated or sobbed uncontrollably into the phone the last few times I suffered a lapse of judement and answered it. I am no longer angry about her willful ignorance of my ongoing depression as a child, or of the abuse that was going on under her nose; I am merely tired of her shouting at me to forget about the past and have a relationship with her, which actually means putting up with her self centered attitude and insistence that I regress to a kid so she can be a "good mother." Dysfunctional? Hell, no. That implies there's some function in there somewhere.
2. No kids. No desire for them. I work with them, and I get along with them, but reactions when mention is made that I have none seem to indicate there is Something Wrong With Me.
3. Not going to church. I have no real desire or religious leaning, yet again from reactions around me, there is Something Wrong With Me.
Things I am actually ashamed of:
1. sometimes not fessing up to the fact that I have no kids in conversation with mothers. Merely nodding and smiling gets me through such things as "I don't know if your kids are X yet, but it's a difficult age."
2. Not erecting mile-high boundaries with my mother sooner. The longer you indulge another person's misbehavior, the harder and stronger and longer the extinction burst they come back with.
3. Not taking my lunch more often. I buy food, I eat some, and then the rash of "let's go to [restaurant]" from co-workers hits and I am weak, weak, weak for I love a good enchilada.
Being in actually very good shape. Not just for another 45-year-old. I am extremely fit even for a 20-something. So just hate me. I also have varicose veins--like a roadmap all over my legs. And yes, this sucks. I'm a size 2. I like my weight too. I eat what I want. I have wrinkles and acne at the same time. No one gets a perfect package (OK, my husband rode on a flight with Gisele Bundchen--she got the only perfect package in the universe!). I reserve the right to complain about these things.
Today's topic sparked this admission --
I'm studying at the doctoral level and earning a Ph.D for ego-driven reasons only. A doctorate isn't required in my field unless one desires a career in academia. I can and have (for many years) made money in my field without a doctorate, and I'll just make a bit more with a Ph.D. I don't even know what I plan to do with this degree, but I'm sure as hell going to get it because I just want the ego stroke of being called "Dr. Sha".
This is humiliating, really.
Dear Doctor Sha,
I like the sound of "Doctor," too. When one of my sisters got her PhD, I was thrilled and maybe even a teensy bit envious. She's Doctor Jackie. Honestly, even silly reasons for doing worthwhile things are nothing to be ashamed of. At least it's furthering your eduction. Seems more noble than, say, earning another kazillion dollars.
Stealing this one from Astro dyke:
Craving an invitation to the academic clubhouse, even though I know how screwed up a club it is.
Also:
*not being able to manage money
*having a tendency to drop off the face of the earth
*driving a car to work, when i could easily take public transportation
*being a consumer
*talking the talk, but never volunteering or donating money
*not having all the answers at 22
*having all this guilt, and knowing it's a waste of energy, so feeling guilty about that
Aren't we all so messed up.
Thanks for this thread, Dr. B. It has been very cathartic.
Oh yeah, I feel incredibly guilty about that B+ last semester that pushed me down to magna cum laude by .08 points. And then feeling ashamed for being so damn crazy.
1- Making the uninformed decision to buy a dog from a pet store that was stocked by puppy mills instead of getting a dog who needed a home from a shelter.
2- Not paying enough attention to dog #1, fueling the puppy mills once again by buying dog #2 from a pet store.
3- Ten years later, wishing I could get rid of both dogs when I should have done research on the whole thing in the first place.
Anyone want a dog?
-working out and keeping a strict diet: I have a really nice body, I'm hispanic and have curves, though am no curvy in the way that its often used as a euphamism for heavy. I'm 5 ft 9 and weight around 130. But I like staying in shape. People get upset and say I should just love myself for how I am.
-not speaking to my dad's family. No good reason not to, but we're just not close.
-Being South American, not Mexican. It confuses people in my diversity-lacking community.
-hating rich white people who dither about diversity because it appeases their liberal guilt without forcing them to confront any of their own bullshit.
-speaking like a beaurocrat (including in conversations about diversity) even though I'm still in school, still a bureaucrat-in-training.
-lying to everyone about my view of children: I do want them. Secretly I like babies.
-Lying to my mother like a house afire about things that probably wouldn't upset her that much.
-driving a car when I could take the bus (though transit to my rural area is a little sketch).
-being a vegitarian for the wrong reasons.
-considering veganism not for moral or health reasons, but essentially a dare.
-watching tv almost daily
Shopping at Wal-mart. Sometimes. Not often. But sometimes.
Not recycling. Well, not at home. They have BINS in the office. No bins that someone else empties at home.
Taking my hubby's last name and still calling myself a feminist. Shouldn't have done it.
Wasting time I should have been using to edit an essay reading blogs!
1)inheriting money
a) didn't earn it/dont "deserve" it
b) it's "dirty" money, earned off the exploitation of others
c) the unlevelness of the playing field which got me where I am
2)having more money than some of our friends
3)having less money than some of our friends
4)not wanting kids
5)probably having them anyway
6)those 15 extra pounds -- (visible shame!)
#1. reading Bitch PhD and otherwise contributing to her ever-increasing ego.
#2. choosing to shut up and silently tolerate horrible behavior from others in order to keep my job
#3. getting angry at my low salary, low status, sqalor-filled house, and standstill career progress, instead of appreciating the fact that my standard of living is better than what 50% of the world suffers today
1. wanting to be hot. like super, duper, jennifer lopez HOT.
2. not being nurturing enough.
3. really disliking children, though i can tolerate them from a distance.
4. not wanting to move to the southside of chicago because property is cheaper (and not really wanting my broke down aunt to know where i live.)
5. having no debt but still not being able to pass a credit check for an apartment.
6. i REALLY want to be hot. like, make men drop in their tracks hot. if i had a fairy godmother, i'd ask for this.
i should tell my life coach about this exercise. sort of revealing.
one more secret shame: i want to be rich.
jesus. i should just hand in my feminist of color card now.
Too chicken to list them all but forsaking various loves and relationships tops my list..
Meanwhile, thanks for getting this party started... shame bites
I wrote this up for babble tomorrow
http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/s...-mom-b-
tch.aspx
In no particular order:
Being too lazy to bring plastic containters I use at work home to recycle;
Not explaining to my bro how what an idiot he's being when he parrots Hannity or O'Reilly;
Not putting an antiBush bumper sticker on my car because I don't want to get into an arguement with my family;
Not forgiving my parents for leaving everything to my bro, sis and their children;
internet use at work;
TV use at home;
making a good living and still being frugal;
Having a live-in nanny and still needing more help.
That's it for now. What a great idea.
1. Being a Republican
2. Being Pro-Choice
3. Liking my vibrator better than my husband sometimes.
4. Wanting to duct tape my kids to the walls sometimes
5. Being overweight
6. Talking entirely too much sometimes.
7. Racking up debt so I can finish my degree and not be a stay at home mom anymore.
- Failing to "use" my PhD / dropping out of academia
- Being mid-thirties and unmarried
- Not wanting children
- "Wasting" my money by living alone
- Failing to adequately pursue dating opportunities
- Failing to adequately participate in social activities
- Failing to donate my time / blood / money in the appropriate measure and to the appropriate cause
I'm ashamed that sometimes I think I could be very happy leaving everything and everyone in my life behind. I think I could leave and never look back and my family does not know this about me.
What I should be ashamed of according to family:
1. Cohabiting for going on 8 years with my fiance of 9 years who is 10 years my senior.
2. Having no intention of having a big church wedding, or a big wedding at all.
3. Being in school still (29-year-old grad student), hence avoiding the "real world."
4. Thinking I am "better than" my family for pursuing an advanced degree.
5. Having no children.
6. Not giving my life up to take care of my mother who became disabled a few years back due to a brain tumor.
7. Having a strained relationship with my doormat mother.
8. Expressing resentment towards my parents for being shitty role models who never taught their daughters a damned thing about functioning in the world.
9. Hating my father's guts.
10. Moving ahead in my life while everyone else is stagnant and struggling.
11. Not keeping in touch with extended family members who also don't keep in touch with me.
What I should be ashamed of according to folks in my graduate department:
1. Expressing angst.
2. Not getting higher GRE scores.
3. Failing to conform to the grad culture of faking to have read everything and bullshitting my way through seminars.
4. Being so disturbed and angry about graduate "education" that I have yet to finish two incompletes.
5. Not having a thesis topic, committee, or advisor.
A little late to the game But I my shames...
1) It's going to take me 10 years to get a BS in Biology (paid for mostly by me, working 1 to 3 jobs a semester to do so.)
2) Still being 20,000 in debt (credit cards/ medical bills)
3) I'm really, really vain. Really.
3b) If I could find a plastic surgeon who gave realistic looking boob jobs, I'd be there in a flash.
4) I am fighting through school to become a genetic counselor. I would be equally as happy (happier?) being a burlesque dancer.
5) I still think about a girl I had a crush on three years ago that I never approached because I've never been with a girl.
6) Letting my long-distance b.f. think I'm coming to stay for a few months to pursue the idea of moving there. When really my plan is to move him back with me or call it off.
7) Being selfish.
Earning money and expensing much energy writing for fashion magazines because poli sci articles don't pay the bills.
9) Being unsure of my capability to maintain a long term monogamous relationship.
"4. Wanting to duct tape my kids to the walls sometimes"
Bwah!
Kat, I don't even have kids (nor want them, and occasionally someone tries to make me feel bad about this, but not usually...), but that's a freakin' hilarious image.
And MathPostdoc, I am so totally, totally with you, I don't feel ashamed (anymore) of being fat, but it's like it's okay to be as fat as I am, but I regard fatter people (or even just flabbier people, since I am quite fit for my size) as disgusting. I actually think to myself (and sometimes even say to my fiance) things like, "Well, at least I'm not as fat as *that* person!"
I am supposed to be ashamed of:
-Not having a job, of having inherited money.
-Not knowing what I want to be/do when I grow up (I am nearing 30, so time to figure it on out, I s'pose).
-Being fat.
-Being lazy.
-Having an appallingly messy house.
-Not living up to my (admittedly above-average) potential and/or taking advantage of the opportunities I've been handed in life.
-Falling off the vegetarian wagon occasionally.
-Not spending enough time with my horses (or spending too much time with them, depends on your perspective).
-Shopping too much.
-And no doubt a bunch of other shit.
-Being totally bourgeois and boring and straight, in a relationship with an attractive white guy (if I were as hip as I wanted to be in college, I'd have a disabled black girlfriend from some inner city somewhere who somehow managed to escape because of her brilliance and determination to beat the odds, or at the very least a Mexican immigrant boyfriend or something). Hell, even my very boring, soccer-mom sister is married to a Mexican immigrant who never finished high school.
Other than being fat, I actually do feel bad about these things, though not always for the socially acceptable reasons.
I actually feel bad about a lot of other stuff, too (I'm Jewish, i can't help myself). Like, I made my fiance take the dogs to the vet so I could do my reading for class tonight, and yet, here I sit....
I need to stop adding to these comments (or get my own blog).
Here's more, kids!
- Letting my mother pay off my credit card bills so I'll be debt free by '09
- Letting my parents pay for anything I "need" but can't afford
- Never doing all the assigned reading for classes...more like reading every first sentence of the readings and all of MY particular assigned reading.
- Hardly ever taking an active part in discussion. Fuck five points if I really have nothing of value to contribute and refuse to fill up air space like 90% of the gunners who just want credit for saying *something*.
- Refusing to work T.A. or facilitator job (especially if it means I have to use my car to drive) while I'm working on the academic portion of my Ph.D. Given my background and experience, I just think it's beneath me and I won't do it. I already have six years of teaching experience, five years in research, but mainly, I just want to bulldoze through doctoral school, not savor it.
I sound like such a bitch. Academia has soured me, I believe.
Paragraphs, I mean. I only read the first sentence of each paragraph that are assigned to the doctoral class as a whole. Like that makes it better. Anyway.
I should be and am and am not ashamed of:
According to fellow feminist grad students:
Accepting a diamond ring and joking about it being a blood diamond. Apparently, I just don't care enough, nor do I really believe it makes a fucking difference if I instead choose a fucking spoon ring or whatever hippie artifact is more socially and politically correct, according to them. In fact, if they are so fucking great, perhaps they should start walking to school and spinning their own yarn to make clothes, unless of course that would involve goat exploitation. Nobody is perfect. Why should I pretend to be?
I am tired of being made to feel like I ought to feel ashamed of planning a fun semi-traditional wedding and buying a $2000 dollar wedding dress.
Also for planning to marry a Republican.
Also, of putting the dress down payment on my student loan account.
I am not ashamed of being TIRED of hearing about the evils of THE MAN in my women's and gender studies classes. I'm over all that. It is a given. The Man is evil, The Man is bad, the White man is the worst etc. Can we move on an discuss something more interesting in class now? Boring.
I am fighting feeling ashamed of wanting to drop out of the gender Master's program because it is suffocating and putting way too much pressure on me. I'm tired of deadlines and papers. I'm tired of my classmates who only last year seemed so interesting and who now seem phony and tiresome.
I should be ashamed of resenting my 21 year old niece who lives with me and my darling evil white man because she is not committed to her nursing program. And for thinking she is dumb to be in a constant stream of abusive relationships.
I don't really want to work or do housework. I like to sit around and goof off, then whine about how the house is dirty and feel stifled intellectually. Then I worry about not having punched up my resume. I do this a lot. Instead of doing the resume I think about doing my resume and look at job postings, not really wanting to work, but needing a change and a way to pay for this fucking wedding bullshit. Then I watch Days of Our Lives, for which I should be ashamed, not because it is a soap opera, but because it is not a good soap opera.
Part of me longs to be a stay at home mom and let my evil white male patriarch, who is GASP a Republican, pay all the bills. Something he is very good at doing and which I am terrible at.
Also, I suppose I should be ashamed for being so into enjoying playing a traditional role when I cook and taking such pleasure in feeding my family, but I am not.
Also, I'll be goddamned if I'll feel ashamed for enjoying makeup, cosmetics etc. And don't tell me I'm giving into the Patriarchy like I haven't read those theories bitches. I happen to enjoy makeup.
I also think Catherine McKinnon is an idiot.
Part of me thinks I should be ashamed for wanting a kid because I don't know if I'll be a good mom or not. But I will do it anyway because I am selfish and want a kid who will no doubt grow up and dislike me.
I should be ashamed for having fantisies of getting pregnant ahead of schedule so I'll have an excuse to cancel the fancy wedding, get married at the courthouse and drop out of school. But I'm not.
Part of me is ashamed of all of this, but most of me is not, despite the internal conflicts I suffer because perhaps I think I should be. The rest of me thinks, fuck all those who think I should be. Fuck them all, Fuckers.
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