The adverts are nothing to do with me. Ugh, nasty things.
I don't find it boring, it makes sense to me in a way. I always apologise for getting upset about things - I always have to be the strong one. When I feel grief, the first thing I do is to reach out to someone else and ask them: 'Are you ok?'
You don't want to be a burden. I understand.
One thing us Brits find difficult to understand, culturally speaking, is that grief doesn't have a sell-by date. And, particularly when a child dies, there is not only the loss of that child (foetus, embryo, whatever) but also the loss of all the hopes and expectations that went with that child. You may not have thought of it as a baby, but you were expecting, hoping, fearing many things associated with it: health appointments, possible hyperemesis, physical changes, maternity leave, labour, family and friends meeting the new baby, exhaustion, joy... and then there are the expectations of others - family, friends, professionals - which are still colliding with your emotions as shown by the midwives, and which you therefore still have a role in managing, whether you like it or not. I suspect that it's the loss of your projected future that you're grieving for, as much as anything else. And that may take a long time to work through, because times around your due date, the anniversary of your miscarriage etc may well be difficult for you. So it's not surprising that it hurts at this comparatively early stage. And this is a very long-winded way of saying I send you a big hug, and I'm not remotely bored of hearing about it.
You lost a possibility, maybe. A what-might-have been. The rational response is that "it wasn't meant to be", but then rational responses are sometimes so terribly irrelevant.
You're trying to reason yourself out of a set of emotional responses that simply will not obey you. I suspect that the more you try to minimise them, the more you'll feel them.
I don't want to end this comment with some horribly trite "It's OK to feel down about this" type sentiment, but, y'know... give it some time. It's a process, it has its own momentum.
I was gonna say really just what everyone else has said - they've done a much better job of it than me though. Like the hit of loneliness 3 months after what had seemed an easy and sensible breakup, or the self-doubt that creeps in a few weeks after you didn't get that job/part/deal.....grief has its own way of oozing out whatever you try and make of it. Your subconscious and emotional imagination will have made much more of your future and of your family's future than your rational mind would have allowed you- it's what keeps us dreaming and hoping, but it stings hard when it doesn't work like that. It just takes time to recover, time to allow yourself to hope and dream again, and time that you can't decide upon rationally any more than you can tell another person what length of time they should be unhappy for. Anyway, I think what I meant to say was - HUGS xx
I'm not going to add my own twist because others have commented far more eloquently than I ever could. But it is something, something important, and you are allowed to take as much time as you need to talk and think and live with this. x
I just wrote in another comments box on this site that comments never make me cry, but I'm taking that back.
These comments just made me cry. But in a good way. In an "OK then, all right, it's true, I'm sad, and I'm very grateful to have been given permission to acknowledge that sadness" kind of a way.
Which in itself sounds rather sad (in the other, disparaging sense of the word), but it's still true. Sometimes you need permission to grieve.
And of course I did have all those plans, but I don't want to admit that to myself, because then I'd have to concede that all those plans have been lost. My rational mind is saying, no they haven't, they've just been postponed. But that's not quite true either. They will (hopefully) be replaced with very similar ones, but those specific ones - the ones that would have come to fruition on or around October 22nd - those ones have been lost.
But admitting that means admitting that I am no longer in control of what's happening in my life, and that in itself - for a control freak such as me - is hard to bear.
And one of the particularly frustrating things is that I can't replace the old plans with new ones - can't try and get pregnant again - until I've dealt with the loss of the old ones. As long as I'm as unhapy and volatile as I currently am, I'm not strong enough to face another pregnancy, and all of the stresses and complications that go with that.
I still face a 60% chance of sort-of-life-threatening illness in another pregnancy. So just as before, I have to think carefully and prepare myself and can't just rush willy-nilly into another pregnancy. And that's something I'm barely even allowing myself to think about, but it's another thing I've lost. I thought I had it all sorted, thought I'd got past all that, but I haven't. I have to face it all over again. I don't even know if I will have another child after all. I may change my mind completely. I may decide I'm just not up to it, and that one is enough.
I don't know.
That's the thing. I just don't fucking know what the hell the future holds. Certainty, that's one of the things I've lost.
I just wanted to echo what the other readers had said about how the loss of a baby represents something much bigger. You are probably mourning the loss of a future you had together and you have to give yourself time to grieve.
The midwife ringing you was really insensitive, and although a mistake, it doesn't make it any easier for you.
I hope you feel better soon, but grief is a funny old thing and you should just go with your feelings and not get too cross with yourself. You will eventually feel better.
It's selfish of us, but your sharing of your grief and pain is helping others with their own, and educating people on the realities of miscarriage and how to deal with friends and family members who go through it.
You've turned your grief into a positive thing - that's a sign of control to me. Even if you feel that you've lost control of your life, you still have control over how you express it, and I for one appreciate your posts very much.
What everyone else said, and then some:
Even if you feel that you've lost control of your life, you still have control over how you express it, and I for one appreciate your posts very much.
Yes: it may be a small thing to someone who operates on feeling some control over their life but your expressing of it is wonderful and amazing.
You have lost somethings and it will take time to get even some back. But hopefully you know that there are plenty of people both in your life and out here in cyberspace who are there for you whatever you feel, whatever you do or do not feel able to express and will continue to be so for as long as you need it.
love and hugsx
I can't add any more to what's already been so eloquently expressed but I'll reinforce it anyway.
And I'll also say your new hair sounds tres funky! Pictures!
x
Clare, it's not boring... and it's your blog... keep expressing your feelings... does it help you? Don't deny yourself... it will always be an unbelievably sad part of your past ... you will rise again... but don't get up too quickly... and please don't feel you have to get up if you're still feeling so down....X
PS Thanks also for your kind comments on my post recently, and the POTW nomination... XXX
You can feel anyway that you want to, no permission required. But sorry you lost the future.
Yeah, you've joined the gingerhood! Hurray! xxx
Clare - you couldn't bore us if you tried. Maybe you did try, I don't know. It didn't work, anyway.
Of course you're still upset. Maybe the pain will go away if you do have another child, but I suspect (from my mother's comments about her own miscarriage) that it will always stay as a niggling void that won't be filled. But that's OK, Clare, no need to keep apologising to your readers.
And pictures. We want pictures of Orange Clare.
(Preferably on the dust-cover of a newly-published book, if we're doing wishlists.)
Stop trying to bullshit yourself, It's ok to greive. It's ok to feel like shit about this, and there is no time limit. Allow yourself to FEEL.
May the Goddess hold you in her loving arms and help you through your loss.
i've always found that the more i SAY it, the less difficult it is to bear. Just like every 28 days when the loss of potential is once again an issue.
not boring, ever. It will always be important.
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