Deep Thoughts
I'm a wimp, too.
Thank you thank you for sharing this post on Twitter- I didn't see a link here in your profile so I thought you were a drifting blogless Twitterer- a sad, strange thing that would be!
For my part, I've been a mama for just over two years. I seesaw between a deeply rooted biological grokking of my mother-self and feeling like What INTHEFUCK right do I have to have brought offspring into this world when I am barely functional as a human being and zOMG HALP I have no idea what I'm doing!
I have to disagree with you a little bit. You said mothers should know how to kiss away sorrow, knead away anger, hug away fears. I think mothers should WANT to do these things (and you clearly do). But sometimes, despite our best efforts, we just can't. I think it's the wanting to, and the accompanying sorrow when it doesn't work out, that makes one a mother. You do and you are. So be kind to yourself, okay?
xo
j.
Your girls came into your life because they need what you’ve got. Not what our society says a “good mom” would/should give them.
I had to let go of a lot of ideals I had about motherhood when I became a single mom. I couldn’t do it all and what I did do wasn’t done the way I wanted it to be. I came to realize that I can’t be everything to my kids. I have to trust that the gaps are all going to get filled in. And whatever they miss they will have the tools to handle! As much and deeply as we love our kids, we can’t protect them from the challenges they are going to face, and those are their hurdles to accomplish and overcome anyway.
What they really need from you is you. What brings you joy? What makes you tick? What makes you laugh and feel fulfilled? What challenges you? They want and need to know what it looks like to be a kick-ass woman. Take care of yourself and be happy and when they are in your spot, they will know how to take care of themselves and be happy. And you are always going to be a mom, through all the different stages your kids go through.
Um, YEAH. That's about all I can say as I sit over here trying to redefine myself. I sort of feel like after all this mothering, I shouldn't have to work. I'm OK with just being known as a mom. Sadly, my bank account feels otherwise. Fucker.
Wow. Where to begin.
Numb: Sometimes it's not so much that we've numbed up as we're on a huge self protective delay. Try and trust yourself to process this when your brain can handle it. Also, there is a good chance your brain is refusing to let you feel this because it knows that you will use it as fodder with which to find fault with yourself!!! It's going to protect that little sorrow until you can sit well with it.
Identity: You spent a lot of your childhood away at school. Where you formed your core identity. So it seems natural that you would first look to education and career as a way to define yourself. That said, having only met you twice I can tell you that you are obviously far more than a degree. I saw an intelligent, caring, introspective person. Frankly, I don't even remember what you do. What do you do again?
Anxiety: Anxiety makes everything seem so damn HUGE. Whenever you feel a crazy sense of urgency, dread or doom. Stop. Remind yourself that anxiety is filtering everything you are percieiving. And because you are so intelligent you will easily talk yourself into believing that everything you feel in this anxious state is the true reality. The shocking, revealing truth you were denying all along. Not true. Anxiety is just a crafty bitch and she knows how to work you.
Kid Trauma: Firstly, know that your girls amazed me with their lovely selves. I saw two awesome kids. I know that Mack struggles a lot with anxiety. I think that kids are just psychic about tuning into what we feel. No matter how good a poker face we can put on. So sometimes what they are expressing is our own anxiety manifested in their kid like ways. So how do you work with that? Well, you have the gift of having dealt with anxiety for longer than your girls. So talk to them about how you feel all twisted up inside about going back to work. Do they feel that way about school? It sucks to feel like that doesn't it ( you don't have to say sucks). What should we do? Can we go to a movie, swim...something so we don't feel so nervous?
I think your job as a mom is NOT to be perfect. It's to give your kids the gift of not feeling like they have to be perfect. I would bet that right now your oldest feels anxious, sees your worried expression, then wigs out because not only is she feeling nervous but now she imagines that she is displeasing mom! Everything you can do to let her know that it's ok to be nervous will help her to understand that you aren't upset with her for it will settle her. Your youngest is likely dealing with her own worries in a different way - by creating a crazy mad distraction.
I'll tell you it always seems to me that when kids are the most annoying - it's when they need us to hug them and tell them how awesome they are. So frustrating, but true. Try and touch them (not in a creepy way) as much as you can. Lay a hand on their shoulder. Stroke their hair. More than you usually do. It's sort of lets them know you are present even if your mind is somewhere else.
Ok, at this point I've passed presumptious and am just plain arrogant with this advice I'm giving you. So I'm going to shut up now. Your awesome. That's what I really meant to say. Awesome. Do you still want to meet for coffee or have I freaked you out. I'll totally just nod and smile the entire time I promise.
Im not a mother, so there is no point of reference for me to be able to commiserate with you, to say, "oh yea, me too". More's the pity. But your writing was wonderful, through your words I could feel a little of where you are coming from. And for what it's worth, from where I sit, it sounds like you are doing a great job.
You know what they say, if you worry about being crazy, chances are you're not. So the same applies to motherhood. If you are worried about being a good mother, chances are, you are just that.
A very, very honest post. We all feel this way much of the time, but most are afraid to acknowledge it.
Well, everyone before me has covered pretty much what I would say. I'm not so good at being a mother, and it's something I worry about a lot. So much of what you said felt so familiar. Your conern and obvious love for your children tells me clearly that (to use your words) you don't suck at being a mother. You're doing better than you think you are, and are better on your worse day than what I'm guessing you had growing up.
It's a low bar to set (believe me, I know) but maybe there's not other way to know when you're leaping way over it, as I suspect you are.
Your five year old and my 7 year old have much in common. It's getting better, but it was really rough earlier this year. Email me if you need some solidarity.
Your daughter came to you and told you she was a wimp, and wanted to hug you. Now that's a mother.
You have no idea what this post means to me. I had nothing I was passionate about (save my husband) before I had kids. Just a job. A paycheck. It was nothing I was sad to leave, but then again, who was I? And here, as I get ready to take my first biology class since high school, on my way to something new, I keep re-examining myself, my motives, my desires. Already I know what functions I'm going to be missing at Hannah's kindergarten because of a single-class schedule.
And what Janet said, above. Priceless. I'm a mom. Have been for five years. But sometimes I want to seal myself up in a hard shell and prevent contact. I want them to need me, and need them not to. Gah! Motherhood.
Painful. Yet such beautiful writing at the same time.
Gwen, Gwen, Gwen...
Obviously, you have quite a cheering section who are all saying the same thing...
You ROCK!!!
I've been reading your posts for several months now and can say unequivocally (from my high and mighty place here on the mountain) that you are a wonderful mother... woman... person... enlightened soul.
Being a mom isn't what defines you. Nor is being a teacher, librarian, wife or baker of yummy cookies. These are just different hats you wear. And, I think as our children age, the style of hat changes, but we still wear it proudly and do what we can to be the best parent that we can be.
Now, being the voracious reader that I know you must be, I want to recommend a book to you that I am currently re-reading (it's THAT good!).
"The Wise Child" by Sonia Choquette
You'll love it.
I didn't have a childhood like yours, but the differences made for some very similar end results: emotions were forbidden, you had to deal with things on your own and not ask for help, there was no crying, and so on. And I found as an adult that I was very poorly equipped to deal with emotions, and in a lot of ways did what you're doing--numb out, self-protect, keep everything behind the Wall. It wasn't until after the divorce last year that I actually began to realize how harmful this was, not just for me but also for Frances, and to begin consciously working on unlearning all that. It's been really hard and painful but so far very worth it.
One thing I have learned--and that I would disagree with your post on--is that it's not my job to fix my child's feelings. It's my job to help her manage her feelings on their own. (This, as I've learned, necessitates first figuring out how to manage my own feelings. Ugh.) The impulse to "make" Frances feel better is overwhelming, but I've learned that I can't "make" her feel anything and when I try I give her the idea that there is somethign wrong with being sad or angry and she should just hide it.
dude.
I so needed to read this just now.
thanks.
If I were going to be flip and dismissive, I'd say that your problem is that you need to figure out that you aren't defined by what you do, but by who you are - and you obviously don't know who you are.
but I'm not flip nor dismissive.
I think you'll find that thousands of parents have the same problems with their kids that you are having. They aren't any the less successful parents for having had them. Neither are you. Cut yourself a break. No one expects you to know it all, so why do you? Ask for help if there are things you can't handle. Everyone else does.
So - even though you identify yourself as a mother, you are letting your perception of yourself as a failed mother color your expectations of your abilities in a new job? Go back and re-read what you wrote about teaching english. You did well and you liked yourself. I haven't met your kids, but I venture to say that they are good people and that you have been a great mother - own it and feel good about it. don't let these current problems w/your kids overwhelm the fact they have had an excellent upbringing - for which you get to take credit.
I am equally certain that you will be a success at whatever job you land. Now - go gettum!
i really like what Bob had to say.
I loved this post.
And appreciated it.
I think that you're probably, like many women who also happen to be mothers, too hard on yourself. I loved this post because it's so honest and powerful. But I think that you're probably a really good mom whether you believe it or not.
I made a LOT of mistakes with my oldest. He survived, and he loves me. I know that I make mistakes with my 3 year old, I am the most impatient person sometimes and I just get bored doing "kid things". I can't help it! But I also know that I'm a good mother and that he knows that I love him. I am sure that your girls know it, too.
As a single man without children, I don't have any advice that way. but I think that many of your commenters had Great pieces of wisdom to give you. I am impressed! I also think that we ALL go through this- Man's search for Meaning and all that. Have faith in You and the thing you do- you can't go wrong. No One is a failure who keeps trying. Persistance Rules! We all know you are Awesome and whatever problems your kids are facing now are only temporary. You just have to know that!
Do you and Crazymumma (crazymummasays.blogspot) read each other. It sounds as if you are both in similar places right now. She was an artist before being a SAHM and now she doesn't quite know how to get her art back. Anyway, I think you could be good supports for each other. Besides, I've met her in real life and she's one of the best people a gal could hope to meet.
Hey, Gwen--I keep coming back to read you and always love what you say and think about comments but don't. Just wanted to say that I don't think that moms "know how to help their children, how to kiss away their sorrow and knead away their anger", etc. I think, as children, we thought that moms knew this secret, maybe because they often managed to soothe us or maybe just because children tend to think parents are wise and all-knowing. But really our moms, all moms, just try to do their best and because children want to be helped by their moms, it sometimes works. The fact that you try and sometimes it works means your children think You have the secret of motherhood.
(Oh, and I still carry my screaming 4.5-year-old off for time-outs, too. I read that extreme emotions are a sign of gifted children on some list somewhere, so just remember that. It's all a sign of brilliance, which--knowing her parents--is just to be expected.)
Oh, wow.
You're not alone, hon. You are so not alone.
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