Searching for Oz
Becky, you've already said it all. I would only be echoing you...it's an individual choice, it's an "intimate to you" decision.
Honestly, I only know one virgin--she held off until she was 32--beautiful, beautiful girl. She was crosseyed and legged by the time she just got married a couple of years ago. She was happy with "her decision" to hang on to it. Again, it's an intimate decision, and as long as she knows what SHE wants, she should do what she thinks is best.
F the peer pressure, there's not alot of 20 year old guys that have mastered that thar thang, anyhow 
I'm not religious myself (except for a fascination with Zen Buddhism), so I can't speak for that side of things. All I can say is that, through observing others who have been in similar situations, if she does ascede to her curiosities she may find it very hard to reconcile what she does with her morals and values. And that be a very difficult time for her.
I'd say, stick to her convictions and her morals, sex will still be there when she finds the right man.
I think you gave her perfectly sound advice, Becky. I've had this discussion with young teens (girls, that is, as guys don't discuss anything)only it's often about not having more sex than they've already had. They often admit that they don't need it but that it's a device to get and keep guys. That reduces a good thing to rather risky pop culture, in my opinion. They also believe that oral sex isn't sex. Again they don't claim to enjoy it. Just a device. This is a small sample of people. I'm sure there are differing opinions and situatiions. But considering how your friend feels, your advice is a good fit.
At the risk of sounding redundant... I'd have to say I agree with you and B'Tude. It certainly is a personal and intimate choice only she can make for herself.
There is nothing at all wrong with either a guy or girl waiting until they get married before having sex if that's what they decide they want to do. Peer pressure be damned... we each have to live with ourselves and our own decisions.
If they decide not to wait then you have given very good advice... don't give it up to just anyone... make sure it's someone who will treat you with respect and care.
DB
You're right on the money, Becky.
I knew far too many girls in college who gave it up to the *wrong* guy...and regretted it for many years after. My first time wasn't with a booty call and we were in love, so I'm okay with how that all went down, so to speak.
But...for cripes sake...don't do something like lose your virginity because you've "heard" that it's mind-blowing. What happens if it's not? Let me rephrase that...what happens when it's not? It's not like you can go back.
Sex is a personal and private decision...or it should be, anyway. Don't do it because it seems like it could be neat...kind of like taking a sociology class when you're a biology major. It's different and all your friends are doing it...but is it the right thing for you?
agreed, would add, do it if it feels right, don't do it because you think it'll feel right afterwards
I agree with just about everyone here. The only thing I have to add is that once you flip the sex switch, it's extremely difficult to unswitch it. The "mind-blowing" feeling of sex (which I agree is overrated in the college years) will still be there five or ten years down the road - and in marriage, if she does want to wait. Her days where sex is less a focal point in relationships, however, a getting fewer. If it's not something she affirmatively wants to do, it's not a good idea to do it just to have done it.
I also agree with previous posts regarding her decision...and given her religious background...Sex is worth the wait to be shared by two people in love. Otherwise, it's just a sweaty exercise resulting in 8-12 involuntary muscle contractions. If I could tell someone they were the only one I'd ever been with, I think it would mean SO much more than telling them "I lost count" but "you're the one I love". It just doesn't seem as special.
really i think it's all about the reason, not the act. if someone is holding off because of a reason- they ought to continue. that's what makes it magic- a value they hold dear realized.
also, for those already having sex it's also about the reason. are they doing it for healthy reasons (it's fun, it's getting me closer to my partner, etc.) or unhealthy (if i don't he'll leave just like daddy).
I can't say I have anything else to offer other than the sage advice you gave her. It's a personal decision. I do agree she shouldn't go looking for a guy just to sleep with and see what it's all about. But she should find a relationship in which she and he both feel comfortable expressing their feelings in that way. After all, there is only one first time.
I'm curious as to what kind of articulation people can put on the reasons why it's a moral decision in the first place?
That is, taking out the religious tenet of "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"...where does the moral question come into play to those who either aren't religious or don't follow the 10 commandments that closely?
In other words, we hear all the time that it's a moral and upright decision to wait until you're married, or at least in a stable, loving relationship and not just sleep with everyone you know.
Why?
Here's my take on it and my reasons. 
I waited until I was in a relationship with "the one" to have sex. Many reasons for this.
Had I had sex in high school and gotten pregnant I would have been forced to keep the baby by my parents. I have no desire to have kids, btw. So not only would I have been stuck with a kid I didn't want but I would have been stuck in that assbackwards town. I wanted to leave and go to college.
When I was in college I didn't have sex because again of possible pregnancy. I wouldn't have graduated and my parents would have forced me to keep a kid I would not have wanted.
I waited until I was on my own with the resources to take care of a situation myself if such one arose.
Those are my reasons on a situational level. On a personal level, I only ever wanted to be with one person. I am not comfortable with the idea that having sex with more than one person meant there would be multiple guys around who would know what I like, what I dislike, what my turn-ons are, and how to get me off. It's a very intimate thing and I only want one select person to know that information. If that makes sense.
All my friends were having sex and hey whatever floats your boat. I'm not out to judge, but it just wasn't for me. I'm very happy with my choice and have never regretted it.
And everyone is right, sex will always be there for her. It's not going anywhere. And if she's super curious, adult shops have loads of toys.
Another perfectly good chick destroyed by the responsible living. Damn.
And yeah Becky, you said it just about as good as any I've heard.
the only thing is...what if she waits and then marries a guy who can't make her get off...and she has nothing to compare it to? and she might go all of her life not experiencing one of the best things in the world! i say buy some condoms and go take a few test drives... most guys don't care if you're a virgin or not anyway. if they really love you it dont matter. just a thought from another angle.
Just as a point of information Barry... Adultery involves people who are married.
I've got the other side of the coin for you Ben... what if she falls in love with some asshole because he's good in bed?
DB
I guess I'd say she's waited this long, whats another few years?
I know plenty of people who had sex to hold onto a guy, or because it was the "thing to do". Everyone of them says it was a mistake and had regrets.
Sex in marriage is very special and so much more than sex outside of marriage.
So many people say they regret NOT waiting...how often do you hear people say they regret waiting?
First, I disagree that sex at that age is selfish or inexperienced. It varies from person to person and I recall those being some mind-blowing years.
On virginity... I think its cool when you wait for "the one"... but I wouldn't specify that she wait for marriage. Just wait for the one who you know you're going to spend the rest of your life with, then when that is unmistakably true, go at it like rabbits. I mean... make loooooove.
I say wait. While in the moment unmarried sex whether in a relationship or one night stand seems fun its not all that compared to the passion that a married couple can share. I know that you can have that connection while being unmarried but still. Even though premarital sex gave me "experience" I really wish that my husband was my first and only. Most of the time relationships at such a early age is all about sex anyway. So my advice would be unless she is starting to doubt why her religion is against premarital sex..than she should trust her instincts and wait. I think once she finds someone she thinks is the "right" person than she could have sex with him. Like Ben mentioned..she might not be sexually compatible with that guy and that is pretty important in a marriage. I think maybe since she is pretty Christian she should seek some advice from fellow Catholic college students or even a priest.
JMHO
D Brooks - actually, no. Adultery is sex between two people who are not married to each other. There are many combinations of married/not married each person can be, but neither has to be already married.
Sex between two single people is adultery, in the Biblical sense. I think actually in the literal, Webster's sense as well but I think popular culture usually sees it like you do, when one of the partners is married and cheating on his/her spouse.
People make too big of a deal out of sex. It's just sex.
Good sex is great. Bad sex is ok.
Yes, you're right, her chances of having great sex at that age are slim to none. But it's still just sex. I never understood what the big deal is.
Why stop at waiting to get married? Wait ten years into the relationship to be sure you're not going to get divorced and if you're not sure at that point wait even longer. God knows you wouldn’t want to give it up to someone who was just going to walk out on you anyway.
There’s nothing wrong with waiting for a special someone, however why does that special have to be the one that you’re marrying. If having sex feels right to you then have it, if waiting feels right then wait. Just be sure to do what feels right to you not to the church, your boyfriend or anyone else with a pocketful of advice.
Life is about living, experience and taking chances, in the process of living you’ll probably get hurt. If you get hurt (which you will) learn, grow, dust yourself off and keep living.
Your advice is sound and logical. It also sounds like what yoru friend might have been hoping to hear anyway. You know, there are a lot of young people out there who are talking "sex, sex, sex" but there are also a LOT of them who are saying "I'm still a virgin and proud of it!" It's not always about religious background or the fear of pregnancy either, but instead about personal morals and standards - just like you pointed out.
Different defs for different people, but since this young lady is in a Jesuit college I'm assuming she knows whatever definition applies to her.
Adultery Defs
Persoanlly, I believe in giving something a try before you buy. There is no question that sex is an important part of a marriage. And is only going to marry a guy who is virgin, too - someone who has the same morales that she does?
Yet, I hate to see her give up on her beliefs because they've meant so much to her. Peer pressure is a bitch. At least, she should wait until she finds someone she cares for and is a good guy and they a relationship together.
One consideration, though. Because she so closely ties sex and love together there may be the problem of confusing the two and there ya got a whole new viper pit to tangle with.
Just don't be in such a rush to do what the other kids are doing. Stay strong and when a nice guy she's attracted to comes along, well then maybe it'll feel right for her.
Looks like you opened up quite the can of worms here, Becky.
I think 'saving yourself' for when you're married is just plain CRAZY!!
What if you get with the guy, and after marriage you find out he's horrible?
Plus I think it makes it hard for the person who saved themselves to not cheat later in life. The curiousity of how it would be with someone else, ANYONE ELSE, would always be there. You'd have no idea if your sex life was good or not if you have nothing to compare it to!
Again, I think saving your virginity for marriage is LOCO INSANE CRAZY NUTS!!
I wouldn't want my husband to be the first and only one. And I definitely wouldn't wait until we were married to find out what it's all about. As a 30 year old non-virgin...I could not imagine the last 10-15 years without sex! I would be one cranky bitch.
"Just as a point of information Barry... Adultery involves people who are married.
I've got the other side of the coin for you Ben... what if she falls in love with some asshole because he's good in bed?
DB
D Brooks"
what would be wrong with that?
Did she really have to have others tell her it's mind blowing? What did she think before that? That it was a wifely duty?
I can't see how erring on the side of waiting can hurt. Like someone said, you can't go back
Right on the money Becky. If you're reading this Claire and you decide to have sex remember to be safe and also know the first time is NEVER mind-blowing.
The fact that there are 30 comments concerning this blog entry shows what a heated and passionate situation this is...one that needs to be thought about very seriously, but not made based on what other people think. I am Catholic... I had sex outside of my marriage with one other man... God still saw fit to bless me with a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful children... the children being the result of a "wonderful partner".
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