Oh, sweet lord. I love Trayline. Waking up with the realization that "I hear something rustling" is never good.

Vernon sounds like an ass.

The depantsing earlier in the evening is fantastic foreshadowing.

I wlays hated the smug sarcastic hints about what you did the night before. Real friends just tell you what you need to know (and spare you what you don't).
Joe | Homepage | 04.25.06 - 1:43 pm | #

there's a pretty strong forensic case here that you didn't get raped. i know it's years after the fact but i'm relieved for you.
pbdotc | Homepage | 04.25.06 - 2:44 pm | #

i knew i would love the trayline. thanks ,Hans - very well done. beats the hell out of anything else i've read in a long, long time.

any chance your "friends" let you forget about this one? or was this one of those episodes that became a running joke and spawned new nicknames, one-word references to said event, etc.?

so...what's next? i gotta say, an encore will be tough.
Finn | 04.25.06 - 4:11 pm | #

I wish I were as confident as pbdotc that you did not get raped. But whatever, so you got assraped a li'l bit. You're here alive and well, cool baby, nice wife. Maybe it was good for you.
Joe | Homepage | 04.25.06 - 5:47 pm | #

The only reason I don't think you were raped is because I'm sure it was consensual.

Ever been tested for STDs?
Theus | 04.25.06 - 7:34 pm | #

Theus,

Of course I've been tested for STD's -- right after I ape-fucked your mother.
hans | Homepage | 04.25.06 - 8:13 pm | #

am i the only one that finds it interesting that hans' encounter with a gay man who claims (vehemently) to be straight was IN A CLOSET?!?!
isired | 04.26.06 - 12:54 am | #

PB,

I would like to hear (for my own sake) why you feel the evidence clears me (or clears Lee rather).

Finn,

Thaks for the compliments, to be honest I didn't get that much abuse from my roommates, because I was so clearly shaken by the whole thing. I mean, it wasn't every week that I gave up drinking. Oh wait, yes it was.
hans | Homepage | 04.26.06 - 1:38 am | #

Well let me break down my conclusion based on three key pieces of evidence:

- You didn't get raped before 8 a.m. because witness testimony puts Lee either in living room or attempting to hook up with Max

- If you want to argue that this time frame isn't airtight, I would also point out that witnesses describe Lee as, and I quote, "completely blotto." [Do I have to produce an expert witness to discuss what happens to erections when the erectee is "completely blotto"?]

- You awoke to "rustling" at 10:30 which suggests you were not "completely blotto", which tells me you would have not slept through an anal marauding after 8 a.m.

There is one piece of disturbing testimony: "I take stock of my ass soreness. Sore, to be sure." But the shitting incident earlier in the night easily explains any soreness and any pantelessness as well.

I just can't put Lee on an anal rape at 9 a.m. while you were emerging from the low stages of passedoutedness.

At worst you had some balls on your head. But the phone call later in the day suggests Lee was more trolling than going for the kill. In fact, given Lee's propensity for attempting back massages as a method of determining gayness I'm gonna say you probably even escaped getting balls on your head.
pbdotc | Homepage | 04.26.06 - 5:17 pm | #

glad to hear the roomies showed some sensitivity, Hans. but what's up with max? who makes room for a strange man in his bed (then falls asleep), wakes up later to a massage from him and says only "you better cut that shit out"...then falls back asleep?!? how often was he sharing his bed with strange dudes?

mdilly also shared some additional good color on the event and the characters - very funny/crazy group. but i'm now increasingly concerned about mdilly. every time we go out he offers to double up in the beds...just before he announces he sleeps nekkid. good news is he looks less like a kiddie porno reading cop now that he shaved his mustache of peace (or was it hostility?).

keep up the great work!
Finn | 04.26.06 - 8:02 pm | #

you didn't call him back?

what are you, some kind of racist homophobe?
crsmal | Homepage | 04.26.06 - 9:45 pm | #

i am probably more disturbed than anyone reading this story.
tms | 04.27.06 - 2:43 am | #

Hans,

Please give me a call.
Lee | Homepage | 04.27.06 - 8:54 am | #

tms, don't worry, it's all good...do you remember this happening at all?
hans | 04.27.06 - 9:35 am | #

i don't know if i'm getting senile in my old age, but no i don't remember this one.

or maybe it's my good friend repression taking over.
tms | 04.28.06 - 1:33 am | #

Holy christ, this is better than The Thorn Birds.
cW | Homepage | 04.30.06 - 11:41 am | #

Extremely good read and very entertaining.
Moncrief | Homepage | 07.05.06 - 2:53 pm | #