thank you LM. thank you thank you thank you.
i'm not a constant cane or crutches user (by the way, when i crutch i use the short armed canadian style crutches) bit when i need them i'm set right back into the world of gimp. it's totally frustrating that people look at stuff like that and feel instantly entitled to my life story. it's totally rude on their part, but, just like jesse noted, retaliation or even verbal lashing out is not allowed. we're expected to put the fuck up with it all the fucking time.
growing up mixed race gave me an emotional edge on putting the fuck up with shit. it really did. it also gave me a finely honed sense of my own apartness from most groups. still, crowds are the worst. not because people are aggressive, although some are, it's when we become invisible to them.
crutches and a sturdy cane are great shin knockers, but they have to be used judiciously.
my own stock reply to folks who ask "why are you using crutches (or cane)?" is one i encourage others to use. it's snarky enough to pinch a little, but it's not mean enough to be considered aggressive:
because it's so much more dignified than crawling.
if your brother says it twice he can claim it as his very own.
"Because it's so much more dignified than crawling."
That is perfect.
Last year I had a very nasty ankle sprain and had a cane for weeks; and yup, I too had to go to Austin. Nobody confronted me about it; in fact, people went out of their way to open doors, etc...
Airline personnel go through a radical change when they see you come limping up... and I learned a great deal about what it's like for those who have to use canes, etc. every day of their lives...
Perhaps the dit-head who asked 'what's that for' should be forced to use one for a week to see how it feels...
When I see someone on crutches or using a cane to get around I generally given them the space they require, or move at their pace (it's actually restful to slow down, and you can see more). I do, however, perceive a cane or crutch as a potential threat (since a stick is used to extend a person's striking range, and my Grandfather used to use his on me and my little brother - and we *did* deserve it, btw).
As age starts to exact its inevitable toll on my knees and legs, I am more considerate of those who require a staff or brace, knowing that all too soon I might be similarly equipped.
I'm gonna cut the young woman in the elevator a bit of slack.
A lot of my social contacts are in groups like science fiction fandom and the SCA, and I know people in them who tend to carry "costume canes" and walking staffs as part of their public image. Yes, sometimes even in mundane surroundings.
The young woman may have thought Jesse was someone like that. It was still rather thoughtless to ask "What's that for?" rather than a simple "Nice cane."
But it's not an automatic given that someone with a cane or staff is handicapped, especially if it's a "fancy" staff, rather than a standardized, industrial-model one.
From what's Jesse's written before, I've gotten the impression that, when his pain levels are at a tolerable level, he can "pass for normal". He can stand straight, he doesn't always have a glisten of pain-sweat on his forehead, and he's not missing any body parts. So the young woman may have jumped to the conclusion that he was just a normal guy, carrying a fancy staff.
If you want to go on a real rant, one that deserves ranting a lot more than this incident, how about a rant against the people who, because you're not obviously crippled, because you're not bleeding, because you're not on fire, because you're not missing body parts, because you're not in a wheelchair... assume that OF COURSE YOU'RE FAKING IT!
These people are called "employers", and boy, can I rant on that subject.
Long story made short: Threw back out at work. Extreme pain. Wanted to go to chiropractor; made to go to Postal Service's "contract doctor" instead for first examination. My own doctor refused to treat a workplace injury (!), and I ended up back at the contract doctor for treatment. Treatment there not only ineffective, but eventually realized employers' contract doctors are... what's a polite word?... whores for the employers, not doctors for patients. When I didn't respond to their treatment (and being strongly discouraged every time I mentioned the word "chiropractor"), it was made obvious that I was considered a liar and a faker, and probably a drug addict too. Clinic head ordered me to stop taking any pain medication. If I took even an aspirin, it would be "violating doctor's orders" and I could be fired from my job.
By the next morning, I was in the ER, literally screaming from the pain. (How badly was I screaming? Badly enough that another patient in the waiting room got up and went to a diffrerent hospital.) Got a shot, finally, and got a fresh doctor's orders to overrule the clinic head's order.
This had been going on about two months by this point, and the atmosphere at work (where I was on light duty, sitting in a room and waiting for a phone to ring, and going stir crazy) from my supervisors wasn't any better than what I'd gotten from their doctors. So I said "screw it," girded up my checkbook, went to a private spine clinic (where I found out one of the contract doctor's had flat out lied to me about previous MRI results), got referred to an excellent (private) physical therapist, and yes, found a good chiropractor with over twenty years experience. Between the therapist and the chiropractor, I could do an eight-hour day again two weeks later, and was back to normal overtime+ hours in a month.
With the contract doctors, the default assumption is that the patient is lying about his symptoms and pain levels. I will never, EVER, let myself get trapped into being treated by one again.
(Oh, and my own doctor's refusal to treat me? I ended up with a new GP after that, too.)
Disclosure: My wife was (moderately) disabled when I first met her, and now requires a caregiver during the day. Her caregiver, who is a sweet and charming young woman, is one of those people who frequently carry a "costume staff".
Our lack of single-payer national health care proves once again that, right-wing propaganda about a "Christian nation" notwithstanding, the real god of the USA is, and always has been, Mammon.
As an former soldier, let me just say this sort of thinking, or lack thereof is so endemic is sickening. In Somalia, for example, back in the mid-90's a lot of pro-US people rapidly became anti-US simply because in the course of helicopter patrols, US gunships' prop-wash would rip off the roofs of the locals. Did we change our patrol pattern? Of course not and then a little later these same people are shooting RPG's into our rotor-blades and it's Black Hawk Down. We shoot up weddings in Iraq & Afghanistan and heaven forbid we change our Rules of Engagement, because we are on a MISSION.
Not to make too much of it, but look at the new The Dark Knight movie. Batman is on a mission and has to go from A to B; cars in the way? Just blow them up! Who cares if there might have been people in them? Who cares if those people were on fixed income or just, "Dude don't blow my car!" yet Batman is on a MISSION and thus we all are supposed to suck it up.
That's what I hate, rather than come up with a plan that accommodates the most people, most folks just go with the plan easiest for them to have mission success and the rest of us are left to just suck it up.
Bruce, I'm with you: Anyone over the age of 6 who asks 'what's that for?' is likely part of a subculture in which an aesthetically pleasing cane might be decorative, not functional. Dumb, entitled and intrusive phrasing regardless.
And lastly, teach your kids, and yes—even your ill-informed adult friends who have no tact—that there are out of bounds questions and statements one should not direct willy-nilly towards disabled people
'Why is that man riding in that thing?' is an appropriate question for a child to ask his parents, up through the age of six or seven. Which is an entirely different matter than breeding in a sense of entitlement to grill anyone different about his difference.
One of my jobs as the parent is to expose my kid to human diversity, and toward that end I'm a fighter for inclusive public spaces--my dad isn't around anymore to model the inevitable, and my kid deserves to know that the state of being able-bodied is temporary.
great piece, LM.
We're also unthinking as a nation...
yeah. but interesting times will force us to think, and hopefully not too late.
Like other people with mobility problems I have a story too, but after a number of years the story gets very boring to the story teller. So I'll just skip it.
Having been in a body frame for some months, and gone through years of rehab to walk correctly, I can definitely tell you that not a day goes by that I am thankful as hell to be on two feet and not rolling. I know exactly how the cane and wheelchair persons feel.
May I also add this? After most of the people in my little town got over the shock of seeing me about town after having been told I was dead, many felt it was necessary to inform he how lucky I was that I was not paralyzed or six feet under.
I suggest that you avoid the "lucky" commentaries and instead tell the injured individual that you are so glad to see them up and about and relieved that progress is being made.
You see, somehow in that particular phase of the process, the months right after the traumatic injury that has changed our lives and often {as with Bruce} has killed our personal economics, we are in fact suffering a luck deficit.
Thank you SO much LM. I originally got familiar with Steve's {Gilliard} plight and his blog right after he came out of the hospital the first time. I could really identify with the guy's struggle. Walcott had mentioned something and that is how I found The News Blog.
It was luck I guess.
Lots of stuff being said here that needed saying. The hostility of the ignorant idiots triples when your disability is not visible.
A dear friend of mine, due to his age, cardiovascular condition, and medications has almost no stamina. He can walk normally, but not very far. So when he uses a handicapped spot, with the tag hanging from the mirror, gets out and ambles away, he gets dirty looks from people who assume he's a cheating asshole. They don't know that he is that close to having to stop and lean on something till the dizziness goes away and his breath comes back.
As someone with an "invisible" disability, ie Crohn's Disease, belive me I can relate to all of the above. But at least, in Canada, we HAVE healthcare.
My mother has neurological condition that screws up her balance. You wouldn't believe the number of people that have no problem running down a old woman in a walker. THey bump into her, and over she falls. Its her problem if she breaks a hip, not theirs. I'm getting to the point where I positively enjoy knocking into people who are trying to trample her. I wish I'd had this mindset when I played basketball in high school.
I am sorry that you had such a hard time getting around Austin. We all are having a hard time doing it and I am sure that having mobility issues makes it almost impossible. There seems to be no end to the destruction of our downtown area as each developer tries to put up a building taller than the one that was just finished. It is disheartening to me to watch the city lose its character alongo with its manners.
because it's so much more dignified than crawling
even better than the "because I have a slight physical disability"
(snark level of the "physical" can change depending on circumstances)
and 7 oz is giving her the benefit of the doubt
My 58th birthday is Monday. I have had to use my body like a machine since I ended up divorced with two very young kids back in 1983. You can’t work as much as I did to survive and rest as little without doing some serious damage to your body.
I have ruptured discs in my lower back and a pinched nerve in my neck, so I use a cane and take prescription pain medication regularly. I am going to give in and have back surgery in a couple of months, because I have been using the cane for 16 months now, and I am ready for that to be over.
I used the same cane back in the late 1980s when I developed severe plantar fasciitis in both feet. Surgery fixed the plantar fasciitis, so I was able to put the cane away until a year ago last April.
But in addition to having to use a cane and deal with people who get annoyed that I can’t move my aging body as fast as I used to, I am also severely hearing impaired. That is an “invisible” handicap, and people are really awful to those of us who don’t hear well. Even with hearing aids my ability to understand speech is limited unless someone tries to speak clearly and to make reasonable accommodations for my hearing loss. You would be amazed at what we deaf/ hard of hearing (HoH) people have to deal with. For example, I spend holidays (including Christmas) alone, because at large family gatherings, I get excluded from conversations, no matter how hard I try to participate, and a many-hour long stretch of time with nothing to do and no one to talk to is pretty boring.
I can’t go to movies, lectures, live drama, poetry readings, or comedy performances. I can’t attend departmental meetings (I teach at a state university), because everyone mumbles and no one will make any effort at all to speak clearly or to avoid putting their fingers over their mouths when they speak:
“Mush-Mouthed Professors”
http://deafnotdumb.homestead.com.../
mushmouth.html
I can’t take classes or attend special seminars, even when the subject is one I want to learn. Fortunately, TV now has closed captioning, so I can at least watch TV when I want to, and I can watch movies on DVD.
What is funny is that I actually read lips very well and do remarkably well for a severely hearing impaired person. If someone speaks clearly, faces in my direction, and doesn’t stand too far away from me, I can understand perfectly, even without my hearing aids—I am that good at reading lips and paying attention. But people don’t do that. They drop their voices at the ends of sentences, swallow their words, chew gum, put their hands to their mouths, turn their heads to the side or all the way away from me when speaking, or walk around or even into another room while saying something. Hell, basic politeness would dictate that a speaker do the things that would make it possible for me to understand, even if he or she happened to be speaking to someone with perfect hearing!
I have several friends who have learned the art of speaking to an HoH person, so that with them I don’t even need to wear my hearing aids. But with most people, even with my aids in and turned up full blast, I can’t understand much of what they say.
One of my 10 public websites is entitled I’m Listening as Hard as I Can!” It’s at http://www.deafnotdumb.homestead....com/
index.html
Most (though not all) of the articles on that site a humorous, but they are still honest reflections of the obstacles that a world full of “hearies” creates for deaf and HoH people.
Stop by my site and read a few. You might learn something. I have been told by many hearies that until they read my articles they had no idea about how hard they made things for their HoH relatives.
I would consider your visit to my site to be a birthday present for me—and a gift to all us HoH people!
--Tina
LM, I never comment, though I check you guys out every day. I can read one sentence and know it's a post by you. Not only do I love your "voice", but I always love the good sense you make. Thanks for the sheer pleasure of being able to read what you write.
I have an uncle who was severely injured in a motorcycle accident in 1972 and has never been able to walk without the use of a cane; recently, because of his age, he's now been reduced to using two canes. He won't ask you for help unless he really needs it, and everyone in the family knows not to provide it unless he asks for it.
You know, then I was growing up, inappropriate questions or comments against disabled people usually got you cursed out by your peers. So much for home training and common courtesy...
Benches. When people ask for what they can do, I say "Petition for benches everywhere, in every urban setting." So MANY people have a version of mobility impairment, i.e., I can walk some but not far. Plus tired parents, pregnant women, elderly, etc.
The issue is that putting up a bench invites folks to sit, and business owners want "control" of their sidewalk. Can't have people of cullah or, god forbid, homeless folks hanging out where white folks with money have to walk by.
I agree with whoever above said children should not get whomped for asking a question, even one that seems "rude". The adult reaction of horror which says "Don't look at that cripple in the chair" creates children (and then adults) who cannot see disabled people, or treat them with respect -- they're too afraid. The flip side of becoming a target when you've got a cane, a chair, a visible difference is that most people won't see you at all. As good as Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility.
Ms. Manners did her best during the 1980s to teach disability-friendly behavior, tying it to the common sense of manners: Treat people with respect and kindness. It's basic. Of course, she was vying with the Reaganesque yuppie era, and I think we all know who won that contest. Until now...
I wonder how many urban settings would pass the "get in an imperfect wheelchair and see if you can go ten blocks in it" test. I'd like to see a feature on that.
One thing I've noticed is that EVERYBODY likes to use cutouts at corners to go up and down curbs. They should be very wide and well-surfaced -- or, as they do in lots of European cities, extend half a block. You can still get drainage and sound street construction with modern methods without the obstacle of curbs.
Fabulous post, LM. Bless you for doing this. And bless Jesse for the most intelligent, direct answer any gimp has ever provided to a dumb question.
Oh yeah, the hearing problem. I forgot I have that one too. It only really bothers me when I have to take a course and the air conditioning runs interference with the lecturer's voice and I am too far away to lip read. I try to sit in the first row, but they turn away to point at the screen or they are far away up on a stage. Plus, where I live, it's not in my mother tongue. I do lip read in two languages but only if I can see the lips.
The rest of the time I pretty much subscribe to Thomas Edison's attitude that deafness allows one to avoid small talk and other gloriously useless gabfests.
I have to constantly tell people who are speaking to me from behind or in the next room that I know they are saying something, but I don't know what it is.
I was raised with a lot of uncles who lost their hearing in the anthracite mines so I learned the deaf etiquette really early.
I don't expect others to accommodate my deafness however. I think it is a bit much to expect everyone to stare at my pupils and enunciate perfectly.
And while we are on this topic, I will add: wear the ear protectors on the job! I didn't.
I've gotten to the point that I have to use a cane in public. I'm vane. I hated to do it so I found some really nice ones here to go with the seasons and clothing.
http://www.fashionablecanes.com/
People look at me with sympathy because I'm relatively young and attractive. Older people aren't viewed or treated that way.
Once a man apologized to a group of people about being so slow so I moved up next to him and whipped out my folding butterfly cane ( I was having a better day and it was in my purse)
and we walked together. The attitudes of people changed.
Also, I need to park in the handicapped spaces but don't want the license plate so I have the tag that hangs from my rearview mirror.
I only use those spaces when I'm at my worst because others need them more.
If any of you folks see people taking those spots because they want to make a quick run in the store, please call the police to tow their cars away. :D
I forgot to comment on the hearing.
I had some nasty virus and had hearing loss in one ear back in May.
I could hear sound but didn't understand words.
I also couldn't determine the direction sound was coming from. What an awful time.
Thank God my hearing was restored in one ear. Steroids are a miracle.
I understand how Tblue and RC feel.
If any of you folks see people taking those spots because they want to make a quick run in the store, please call the police to tow their cars away. :D
CeeHussein | 08.17.08 - 9:26 am | #
Chances are they'll never get there in time. A few drywall screws under their tires, however, will get their attention just fine XD
I'll throw in my two cents and experience too. Had both knees replaced at the same time in December 2004. Absolutely had to have them both done and did not want to go through it more than once. Glad I did it that way and glad I found a doc who was willing to do it too. I was 51 then. Way too young, really, for that but they were bone on bone, with tear inducing pain when I walked. Since then I have some residual pain in both legs, but it is a different kind of pain now. My problem now is that I am unable to bend them all that much and have a hard time getting in and out of my car sometimes. Especially if someone parks too close to me. I got handicapped plates so I could have enough space to open the door all the way so I can get in. I get some nasty looks sometimes when I get out of my car because I basically can walk now....but hey, I had a number of years when I had a lot of trouble walking and had regular plates then, so I think I've paid the dues.
The real point is that no one knows what any other person has going on in their lives and we all ought to chill when it comes to automatically assigning a prejudice to them for any reason.
Oh, and Doc, you really ought to consider knee replacement. Despite my bendability issues, it is the best decision I made. LM makes it sound like you are a prime candidate for the surgery.
I understand where doc is coming form, i get it from two directions (back in my competitive days I was either on heavy pain killers or walking with a cain...very bad legs...ended up with a nice collection of sword cains though. And I look odd enough that I don't fit in a neat ethnic catagory, so I constiantly get the "where are yuo from"). In saying that, you may have been too harsh on the girl, Austin is a hotbed of alterna activity, it may have been LARP night
Austin was a bitch, all right. I finally capitulated on the last day -- when the crowd was leaving, and I was wiped out -- and dragged out my scooter. Amen to Maggie for saying the curb cuts -- even the new ones -- were way too narrow (though Manhattan's are even worse).
Maggie and I had a great conversation about the transition to the scooter back when I first bought it last fall. She laid out how people tend to look at the chair-bound, and what attitudes they bring with them, and the range of ways that people on wheels choose to respond to them.
I chose to be Nice. I grew up in a small town with two sainted women -- Audra Jo Baumgarth and Jill Kinmont -- who had been best friends, and two of America's three best female skiiers going into the 1956 Olympics. AJ got polio the year before the trials. Jill wiped out and hit a tree in the last race before the Games. Neither of them ever walked again.
I knew them in their 30s and onward (AJ's husband was my homeroom teacher through high school). Talking to Maggie encouraged me to take them as models. They turned out to be great ones: whenever I ride, I'm riding with the fabulous AJ and Jill somewhere in the back of my head.
If I'm going to be out in my scooter, I take pains to dress well and look nice. I smile at people. I hold myself a little more assertively, to create some presence -- I may not be at eye level, but by God, you will not ignore me. I talk to people, so they realize that there's nothing wrong with my speech or my mind. These are all things AJ and Jill did.
And I don't mind making deprecating jokes about my Ferrari if people want to go there. Being in a scooter, you constantly find yourself in absurd situations. My sense of humor tends to the dryly absurd anyway, so I just go with that. Yep, the situation is awkward. And funny, if we choose to laugh at it. It makes allies out of people who might otherwise be annoyed.
And I actually enjoy playing with the kids, who are a) at my eye level and b) openly wondering why that lady has a motorized stroller. If I'm normal, open, and upbeat about it, I figure I'm modeling an attitude that they can draw on down the road.
People have asked about why I need it, or why I'm using a handicapped spot. (I'm not perceptibly disabled -- I walk just fine, for about 300 meters a day. After that, I'm going to be spending the following day in bed. Short trips into the C-store, no problem. A long Costco wander, though, is definitely a scootering event.)
I do resent these intrusions: my medical history is none of their business, and I don't like to explain the details of my condition any more than I'd volunteer what kind of contraception I use. It's private business.
So I tell them I have it because my doctor said I needed it, in a tone that that makes it clear this is not something open to second-guessing.
Commenting by HaloScan
