did the statute of limitations run out on giving back the gifts?
LOL
Star Jones needs a hearty helping of humble pie.
Hmmm, you know, "cure" programs make a lot of money prepping gay men for the Jonathan/Al act.
And I'm a bi woman who's often heard, "You just haven't found the right man yet."
So there are other echoes here, layered underneath the truth LM speaks.
"Please marry my son and make a man of him."
"As soon as you have a real woman, you'll forget all about that other stuff."
"You'd never think about these things if you would just relax and let a man take care of you."
Ah, yes. Getting married fixes everything.
And be sure to have a baby or two.
Really good piece, LM. A couple of comments:
"Against common sense, we get the feeling that the race as a whole is judged based on the spectacular flame-outs of our celebrities."
Keep in mind that Pino logic (from "Do the Right Thing") works to black folks' advantage in cases like Star Jones. They're celebrities, so they're "not n*ggers, they're not black, they're ... more than black." In this "classless" country, the celebrity aristocracy (from A-list to Z-list) is a race unto themselves, and skin color is almost secondary. If they mess up, the same BS Machine that built them up will tear them down, regardless of ethnicity.
Why the famous racial divide over O.J., then? My theory is that it had less to do with whites wanting to see a black celebrity found guilty (although I'm sure many racist whites did) than it did with many black folks wanting an acquittal despite the evidence. And not because they liked O.J. or because they thought he was a real member of "the community." I'd argue that, at the end of the trial, those African Americans who wanted an acquittal were really rooting for the talented and charismatic (and very much of "the community") Johnny Cochrane rather than O.J.
As to the real meat of the article, I hear ya man. I'm not going to get too much into my own personal variation of your "Hand" syndrome. I started to, but when I felt that not-nice Costanza-like adrenaline rush just writing about it I felt it better not to indulge int he details. Uncomfortably close, though, LM (beautiful, successful and in-control women, but not divas; and they liked me mainly because I wasn't a martyr to their awesomeness. "Hand" for me, all the same, at least while it lasted).
But yeah, you finally have to realize that the answer to "why do I keep attracting all these crazy women?" is "Because it's YOU making the choice to date them or to let your friends fix you up with them, you stupid fuck." I finally understood there's no excuse for repeatedly getting myself into the same bad outcomes.
So I learned to date outside my social and professional circles (not easy in modern America). And now when someone I know tries to fix me up with a woman by saying, in all sincerity, "you'd be perfect for her" (note the phraseology), I run for the door. As a result, my dating life doesn't resemble "Seinfeld" episodes quite as much as it used to.
Hope you're recovering well. It's a wonder you can turn out this kind of work when you're in that kind of pain.
Joe Frazier was on Howard Stern the other day, sing "Mustang Sally."
They're celebrities, so they're "not n*ggers, they're not black, they're ... more than black."
Until they fuck up. Then their ethnicity mysteriously becomes recognized again (see. Rice, Condoleeza)
LM: I used to do the same damn shit... and due to other self-esteem issues, usually not with the really beautiful crazy ones, either. I didn't go to therapy to deal with it... more like just grew the hell up. Many expensive lessons were required before I got over that shit. 
Now I'm married to someone very sane and grounded.
And I always suspect that the divas who marry manifestly gay men are doing so because they believe that they have the magical golden pussy that will turn the guy straight.
i finally hit on the proper response to the you just haven't found the right woman yet. . .
i tell them, i'm always finding the right woman. that's the problem.
I had dinner with my kids' dad and his new wife the other night. (It was a family graduation event for our eldest.) It was pleasant enough, and he looks good and happy -- but I still spent a surprising amount of the evening thinking: "Damn. We've almost got these kids raised, and then this guy will finally be out of my life for good. And y'kno what? I can't wait."
Someday I'll figure out why I wasted six years of my life and two perfectly good eggs on that man. But that understanding has not yet dawned.
Pierce, having seen you through one or two of those relationships, I'm glad you learned the lessons. You come from a family full of sane, brilliant women, and I never quite understood what oh, say, Miss T was about for you. (That girl was a handful, in more ways than one.)
I still remember the day at the street fair when Evan and Mike took you aside and gave you the lecture on "YES, DEAR." As I recall, they told you to tattoo those two words on your forehead so you'd see them every time you looked in the mirror. In that relationship, those two words were your only hope of domestic tranquility. I still think of her whenever I hear the words "high maintenance."
Which is not the same as high engagement. Evan and I have a high-engagement relationship, which is to say: We each expect the other will make us the top priority. We like being with each other 24/7, and could probably do without most of the rest of the world as long as we had each other. There's not much daylight between us. We both expect to invest a lot, and get a lot in return.
As long as that's flowing both ways -- without one person running the other like LM describes -- then it's just an extra-good (if tighter-than-usual) pairing. But, as Evan will be the first to tell you (and LM may be the second), if the balance gets out of whack, it can curdle in really abusive ways.
I guess I'm lucky. Having a disabling illness has kept the male prima donnas and drama queens away from my door. I need too much looking after to be fun for guys who aren't really into me. But for the ones who are willing to put in the effort, I do try to make being in my company worth their while.
Sara: you want to know what's really scary? Miss T was much, much saner than her two immediate predecessors as my long-term GF, Miss K and Miss A. Getting over my relationship stupid was a gradual process. And in the process of getting over Miss A, I screwed up one good thing and completely passed up another great opportunity in that department.
BTW, LM: If you (or anybody else more dialed in to the African-American zeitgeist than I am) can explain Steadman Graham to me, I'd be eternally in your debt.
I understand that being Oprah and trying to find a guy who's in your league is hard. I also understand that being married to Oprah isn't gonna be the easiest thing in the world, because she spends 18 hours a day on Being Oprah, and has that whole black billionaire thing going on to boot.
But, shit, somewhere among the several million or so African-American men out there, there's got to be one who's big enough, tough enough, man enough to grab onto a girl like that and BE that guy for her. Which includes telling her, "Girlfriend, I am not here to look good as an arm accessory while you're all dressed up in Valentino playing Lady Bountiful at charity affairs. I am here to stay -- and that means saying "I do," on our fabulous non-sponsored wedding day and every day from here on out. I am here to look after you. And love you. And get some back, too, 'cause the way I treat you, I'm gonna deserve it. So scoot your sweet butt over and make some room."
A woman like Oprah needs a man who's going to put his foot down and make her relax, sit right there, and allow herself to be loved up right. (I speak from personal experience, being on speaking terms with some of her same demons.) On the other hand, a guy like Steadman -- he's hardly much more than a Ken doll, and it wouldn't take me long to work up a good head of contempt a "boyfriend" like that.
I don't get it (she said, being served brunch in bed just this minute by a grateful, adoring, twice-laid-this-morning husband). Either he's man enough to be worth keeping all the way and making a real life partner out of -- or he's not, in which case, why is he here?
LM, just can't let you have Star as representative of All African-Americans. Cuz then i'd have to have Britney as representative of All White Folk. I propose a compromise ... Star n Britney can represent All Trashy Celebs, and we can be part of Trying To Be Decent Human Beings group. (altho i've had compassion for Britney lately as there seems to be mental health issues involved, and i don't wish that hell on anyone)
Wishes for speedy healing sent your way!
Sara, I have three competing theories about Steadman Graham:
1) All the other billionaires have useless arm candy... why shouldn't she?
2) Oprah's a closet case and he's really her butler.
3) He is a world champion at cunnilingus.
Nothing else makes sense.
Pierce:
My gaydar say BINGO on point two. It's a fine tradition of the upper classes of all sorts of folks.
LM:
Good luck recouping on the gum surgery. Been there, it sucks, but the results can be eye-popping. My periodontist told me I'd be able to take my graft to heaven (in a very sweet and gentle way--and it's held for at least 4 years).
On Star Jones: While her politics makes me scream, I fear she's also a member of women's softball team (I don't want her in "my" club).
And remember: Living in closets can, in and of itself, make you REALLY crazy.
brat: there's a fourth possibility -- all of the above.
One should always keep in mind that Star Jones is a dim witted cow with about as much sense as God gave the average brick or block of wood.
LM,
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Interesting post, though it reads a bit too close to home for me. In my case, high maintenance was attractive because I thought that somehow if a relationship was "easy", then it could not be completely "real". Fortunately, most of that is behind me.
I understand that being Oprah and trying to find a guy who's in your league is hard
Mrs. Robinson,
I've been talking to friends about this the past few weeks.
I told them they need to find men who know how to do stuff like welding, carpentry, hunting, gardening and survival things. LOL!!
Pretty boys and the unskilled aren't going to make in the times that are coming.
He is a world champion at cunnilingus.
Pierce,
Oh. I left that off my list. I'll add it now.
Speaking only for myself and also being mercifully unaware of the entire Star arc {I believe she used to be the Black Divine, no?} I still don't extrapolate her kind of silly with the rest of the population of any degree of melaninity or even complete absence of same.
Nuts are nuts, some are educated lawyers and TV celebrities and some are picking garbage out of the trash in front of my house. Others are Presidentin'.
Meanwhile, fessing up to your own love demerits is admirable and I am happy for you and Mrs. LM that you crossed that bridge.
Here's hoping that Star can do the same, and Al too.
By now, isn't there some kind of digital gaydar device on the market in the first world? It seems to be needed.
And get well soon.
Is it possible that rich women who end up with gay men tend to be less likely to fancy women as to be the sort who think sex is just icky?
Does anyone remember a TV show called Beauty and the Beast? Ran for a little over two seasons; Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton as (respectively) a deformed man living in the NYC sewer system, and an assistant DA, who was always being rescued from certain death by the Beast, who then did things like bring her roses and take her for carriage rides in Central Park--and who never, ever touched her below the waist, or even above, much (until the show was about to be cancelled).
At the time, a friend who did media analyses told me that it had its best numbers in the Bible Belt; a survey of its fans showed that they thought it terribly romantic--in particular because there was no sex.
So apparently, there's a fair number of women out there who think that sex and romance are mutually exclusive, and you can see why a woman like that might be attracted to gay men. Why a gay man would be attracted to a woman, I couldn't say--but the ones you mention are all have wealth and glamor; a spouse could soak up a bit of both.
Molly: I see no reason to believe that such foolishness is restricted to women. That also potentially provides an explanation for the men in these relationships as well.
I think that two significant factors are sexism - heavy pressure on women to marry, and homophobia - heavy pressure not to admit being gay, even to oneself.
I've followed Star Jones over the years and from the things that she has publicly stated, she has a hard time dealing with reality. She's an overbearing Xtian, the kind that think that if they declare something to be true in the name of Jesus then it most be so. I love that sort of people--always declaring their needs and wants in Jeebus' name so no one can argue. She maintains OJ's innocence, and as a former prosecutor, that takes an incredible rearrangement of brain cells. It didn't surprise me at all that she married a gay. I'm sure he went around declaring his love of jesus and straightness and she mistook that for reality.
As for Oprah, she was molested and emotionally abused as a child and I'm sure that affected her choice of Stedman. She has said things about her sexual relationship with him on her show over the years. I like to think I can read body language and if I'm correct, there is no need to think they have a relationship of convenience--nobody is anybody's beard. The most ordinary of couples make the choice to have something less than an all out loving, no-holds-barred relationship and these two have to do it in the public eye.
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