I think I know that guy!
Give Lauren at Cntyr credit, Mark! She was the brains of the operation!
Well, hopefully I won’t make too many enemies with this, but I figured I’m probably not the only protestant who reads Mark’s blog. From a good friend of mine who is trying to keep a low profile. Slightly edited by me. I apologize for length.
Scene: a horde of heretics have descended on a cloud of converts, and are halted only by the approach of...well, you'll just have to imagine the musical background yourself.
Heretics:
For he is a Presbyterian!
Converts:
He is! Hurrah for the Presbyterian!
Presbyterian:
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Presbyterian!
Converts:
It is! Hurrah for the Presbyterian! Hurrah for the Presbyterian!
Presbyterian:
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian,
I've information venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
I know that some have tried to make me turn Episcopalian,
But I find their theology is altogether alien...
I'm very well acquainted too with matters theological,
I even try to tease out passages deemed paradoxical,
I may not cross the Baptists on some matters theoretical,
But I need not share their fear of all substances intoxical!
Converts and Heretics:
But I need not share their fear of all substances intoxical,
But I need not share their fear of all substances intoxical,
But I need not share their fear of all substances intoxi-toxical!
Presbyterian:
I'm very good at mixing terms and angering the Lutherans,
I qualified for blacklisting by Methodistic Wesleyans,
In short, in matters venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian!
Converts and Heretics:
In short, in matters venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
He is the very model of a modern Presbyterian!
Presbyterian:
I know our Bible history, King David and Jehoshaphat,
I recognize the difference between Sinai and Ararat,
I know the implications of a Samsonific donkey bat,
And like the judges know the tools to use if enemies are fat...
I can tell undoubted manuscripts from forgeries and heresies,
I know the Levite chorus from Davidic psalmic melodies,
And I can prove conclusively the Bible's more than fairy tales,
And quote the lines and sing the songs from every single Veggietales!
Converts and Heretics:
And quote the lines and sing the songs from every single Veggietales,
And quote the lines and sing the songs from every single Veggietales,
And quote the lines and sing the songs from every single Veggie-Veggietales!
Presbyterian:
Then I can clarify the politics of the Assyrians,
And understand the dreams of all the sleepless Babylonians,
In short, in matters venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian!
Converts and Heretics:
In short, in matters venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
He is the very model of a modern Presbyterian!
Presbyterian:
In fact, when I know what is meant by "total" and "depravity",
When I have sworn off risking an Ecclesiastic vanity,
When I can treat Westminste
(continued)
Presbyterian:
In fact, when I know what is meant by "total" and "depravity",
When I have sworn off risking an Ecclesiastic vanity,
When I can treat Westminster West with due respect and gravity,
And when I know precisely how Arminians risk fantasy...
When I use the five points as less a tactic than a strategy,
When I can pour contempt on reconstructionist theonomy,
In short, when I've a smattering of scriptural reality,
You'll say a better Presbyterian has never lived so free!
Converts and Heretics:
You'll say a better Presbyterian has never lived so free,
You'll say a better Presbyterian has never lived so free,
You'll say a better Presbyterian has never lived so - lived so free!
Presbyterian:
For my catechismic knowledge, since I'm not a seminarian,
Hits up against the limits of my presupposed invariance,
But still, in matters venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian!
Converts and Heretics:
In short, in matters venerable, ancient, and sect
He is the very model of a modern Presbyterian!
I did this one a few years ago for a friend of a friend who tried to convert me to his own eclectic form of "Catholorthodoxy", constructed, so far as I could make it, by randomly alternating between RC and EO columns to select articles of doctrine. Some of these points are specific to the particular individual...
“We Are A Quite Pre-Modern Ecumenical Archpatriarch”
From “The Pirates of (First Rite) Penance”
(To the tune of “I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General” by Gilbert and Sullivan)
We are a quite pre-modern Ecumenical Archpatriarch
We’ve hosted many barbecues in leafy Sherwood Forest Park
To pair Our friends and rellies up – and save them from the Forces Dark
We are a quite pre-modern Ecumenical Archpatriarch
[REFRAIN: To pair His friends and rellies up – and save them from the Forces Dark
He is a quite pre-modern Ecumenical Archpatriarch]
Our Medical Degree helps all to see We were ordained to rule
As also does the fact that We were Dux of Brisbane’s finest school
Our excellent TE Score’s undiminished by the fact that We
Received it from a College that’s now fallen in apostasy
[REFRAIN: His excellent TE Score’s undiminished by the fact that he
Received it from a College that’s now fallen in apostasy]
Too busy saving young and old from doctors who would take their lives,
We delegate Our household tasks to some less senior of Our wives
Though sometimes We do tell them Our decisions unilateral
Much rather would We feast upon their deep-fried penguin-batter roll
[REFRAIN: Though sometimes He does tell them His decisions unilateral
Much rather would He feast upon their deep-fried penguin-batter roll]
We drag Our Brothers off to Mass – they sing the hymns robotically
But nonetheless – We’re certain they’ll absorb the Faith osmotically
For only Pope and Emperor keep us Islamic terror-free
Which helps Us prove that Jansenism’s just a Catholic heresy
[REFRAIN: For only Pope and Emperor keep us Islamic terror-free
Which helps Him prove that Jansenism’s just a Catholic heresy]
We preach the Christian Gospel to each isolated western town
That children are God’s blessing (but abstain, to keep their numbers down)
You must keep ten Commandments OVERALL, to earn your place in heaven;
So if you don’t like One and Two – make up with strictness on Eleven
[REFRAIN: You must keep ten Commandments OVERALL, to earn your place in heaven;
So if you don’t like One and Two – make up with strictness on Eleven]
We surf the Web – and into many Ultramontane sites We delve
(That’s why We let Our Daughters go unveiled – until the age of twelve)
We’ve found that Medjugorjë is no legend – unlike Noah’s Ark
We are a quite pre-modern Ecumenical Archpatriarch
[REFRAIN: He’s found that Medjugorjë is no legend – unlike Noah’s Ark
He is a quite pre-modern Ecumenical Archpatriarch]
From Calvin to Muhammad, We’re not slow to spot affinities
Among those who won’t bow to Our preferred quasi-divinities
You never know
[ctd]
From Calvin to Muhammad, We’re not slow to spot affinities
Among those who won’t bow to Our preferred quasi-divinities
You never know – your prayer could have been answered by a saint you missed
Much safer to invoke the lot than be a strict monotheist
[REFRAIN: You never know – your prayer could have been answered by a saint you missed
Much safer to invoke the lot than be a strict monotheist]
We flee the Sun’s harsh rays, since these are products of atomic fission
We built the Great Glass Temple – as commanded by the Angel’s vision
We’ll hear no harsh word said against the Shepherd of St Peter’s flocks
Unless it’s ancient grievances nursed by the Eastern Orthodox
[REFRAIN: He’ll hear no harsh word said against the Shepherd of St Peter’s flocks
Unless it’s ancient grievances nursed by the Eastern Orthodox]
Since God makes known Objective Truth to everyone who’s capable
(But not through words – they’re too unclear, unless they’re in a Papal Bull)
To save Our flock from error – We’ve chopped pages out of Acts and Mark
We are a quite pre-modern Ecumenical Archpatriarch
[REFRAIN: To save His flock from error, He’s chopped pages out of Acts and Mark
He is a quite pre-modern Ecumenical Archpatriarch]
....wait...
Whoooaaarr (breath gasp out)...Bwfwfooorrrr ( breath in)
Whoooaaar ...(breath out).
Thank God the comboxes are back in operation - couldn't hold my breath for much longer.. 
Congratulations on these fabulous umm.. reworks of Gilbert and Sullivan and "The Pirates of Penzance"
The rhymes and verses came flooding back to me from my college days at Sacred Heart College in Auckland in the 50's, where each year the school would put on a production of one of the Savoy operas. As a boy soprano, I took the part of Piti Sing in "The Mikado", and "what's her name" in "The Gondoliers", but missed "The Pirates of Penzance" cos my voice was breaking. (An all boys college, you understand)
What great memories. Thanks to 'The Holy Whapping', Daniel Lanterman and Tom R.
For the time being, I defer to the Shrine's greater song-parody prowess.
I have no doubt that some day I will beat this. But it is truly a challenge.
(Grrrr. If it wasn't for those meddling kids and their mangy dog....)
There are some serious Catholic nerds that read Mark's blog.
Good to see -- now I don't feel so alone in the world.
These are simply wonderful.
What a boatload of talent in the blog and combox world!
Diane, whose taste in G & S heavily favors *The Mikado*
Bravo from a G&S lover to the folks at Holy Whapping! bloody brilliant, chaps, and many thanks for a good laugh which I sorely needed today.
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