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*sighs*
I hear you on your frustration and it's not that I'm unsympathetic at all (you know that right?) but...if you choose to "play" with someone online, it will almost certainly very quickly turn into something HUGE and probably completely beyond your control. "Playing" with our sexuality rarely stays "play" when it comes to online D/s stuff. And you know this from watching so many women over the years go through it. Unless you are in a fully open relationship and it's understood that one can have other partners, and blah blah, it almost always becomes so powerful so quickly that it changes everyone's lives forever. Whether this would be a good thing or a bad, I do not know. You and Allen have been together for so long and now he's older and ill both. At the same time, you are younger and still sexually willing and I know that's hard. I know what that feels like.
I do have to say that I find the more I read blogs and message boards about power exchanges the more I lust for it and even more than that, I can start lusting for things I really don't want because we've tried those things and they do not work for us.
The problem with online play is it is all fantasy. It has very little to do with reality and because of that, people can just go overboard and risk everything and for what? For not much, really. So reading blogs and reading about couples who do it and buying toys and thinking about toys and reading books about it and talking to people about it, yatta yatta yatta kinda flames the fire when if I back off of all that, I can get a better grip on what I really want in life and what I do not, you know? It's too easy to read about this stuff online, much of which is total BS anyway, and get all worked up over it when it's not even feasible to do in the first place!
I wish I could say more right now but it's Dan's BD and I am preparing for him, gotta go. Hope I made some sense or shed some light.
I do understand your feelings, I really do.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
everything Amber said... although I'd like to add that for as much as any online 'play' might be fantasy and have little to do with reality - it has real life consequences!!
although you didn't say online play did you?
I wish I had some magic answer for you
have you thought of telling Allan you've been considering this?
In my version of reality, Allan would be relieved if I found someone to play with...it would remove the performance burden from his shoulders and he could stop feeling guilty.
This was something that the therapist was going to approach him about when we were in counseling so it's not as radical an idea as you might think. It's lovely to cuddle and hug but I need more. And fantasizing with Mr.Hitachi just doesn't cut it.
Otoh, I love my husband and don't want to destroy my marriage. I'm under no illusions, Allan doesn't share or play well with others. When I told the therapist that, she didn't persue the play partner concept with him. I'm pretty damn sure he'll tell me to choose. I wish I could do the sneaking around thing! But I'm the worst liar in the world and I would be found out in about a day.
I'll probably end up back at square one, unhappy, but at least I'll have vented for a while. I just have this sense that life is very short and I'm 56 years old. I would sooo like to explore my sexuality while I can still remember why I'm taking my clothes off.
{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
I wish I had some kind of magic help for you, like Kitty said, but you're right, it's just a tough situation all around. 
I guess only you can answer the million dollar question: Is it worth what you might lose?
I have a question... just out of curiosity (NOT because I think you should) but why not split up, rather than just find someone else to play with behind his back? I mean if you're that miserable why stick around?
I guess I left this open and Sam read it and he asked me this question... I gave him all sorts of reasons why I suspect you wouldn't want to do that - but I'm curious what your actual reason is
of course you're free to tell me to mind my own business hehehe I'll still luv ya!! 
Amber, I know. *sighs*
Elizabeth, probably not. As I commented above, once I've had a chance to vent and get some of my pent up resentment out of my system for a while, I will most likely take a step back and rethink the whole idea. Which brings me to...
kitty, Allan and I came close to splitting up after he recovered from his back surgery. A huge part of our trouble was fueled by my sexual frustration...so this isn't a new issue.
I went into a horrible depression and when we finally started going for couples counselling as part of my therapy she gave us homework assignments and ways for us to try and find some common ground again.
Remember when I used to blog about strip card games? And when we were reading kinky how-to books together? Those were strategies the therapist had suggested we try. And they were working...as long as I kept the pressure on.
To answer Sam's question...I'm stubborn. *g* Really that's part of it. I can't see throwing away 35 years of marriage because our sex life has gone to hell. Especially when I remind myself that he has health issues causing some of these problems.
Having said that, he's never going to be anything other than vanilla - god knows I've blogged enough about that - and I'm still left with my nose pressed up against the candy store window.
So what's the answer? *shrugs*
I've found a support group online and it's been comforting...misery does love company.
You're making LOTS of sense.
I think you really need to talk to Allan about the elephant. And use everything you surely learned in counseling when you do it.
I'm sad for you - it's a tough situation. But after 35 years, well, surely there has to be some solution?
And I understand about venting then it being better...at least for awhile.
Oh, and the really cheesy predictable cliche advice? Count your blessings
Hope it gets better.
Brian, thanks. I was sure you were going to tell me to just make up my mind and do---something already! That's what my husband would do if he were you and I were somebody else...never mind. That makes no sense at all, even to me. LOL
Daisy, I'm loathe to start that discussion with him. It's a Pandora's Box with all our sexual troubles stuffed inside. Even though many of them are health related and not under our control it hasn't lessened the negative impact on how we are relating to one another.
As far as using the methods we were taught in counseling? I don't think you were reading me back then but it became a very adversarial relationship after a while. In other words, if I didn't nag him,usually nothing happened. So naturally he resented me and we had some huge fights and I ended up backing off over and over again until I decided it just wasn't worth it. He really is so relieved that I don't talk about D/s or kink anymore...I could cry.
And I feel as if I'm being very disloyal even 'thinking' these thoughts when Allan has these health problems. FYI. His BP is high again and I'm waiting for him to get home from the doctor's with the latest report. How can I bust his chops over something so trivial as my sexual frustration, and it IS trivial in this context, when he's ill? What kind of person would that make me? It's bad enough that I'm bitching about it here.
I do count my blessings,Daisy. I know that I have a good marriage in so many ways and that's why I keep sticking it out and hoping that a miracle will happen. I'm just not sure how much longer I can go on like this.
Your angst is on your sleeve, Jocelyn. I wish there was something, anything, I could say to make it better.
{{Jocelyn}}
Elizabeth, know any good incantations? *g* I think that's about what it would take at this point to make a difference. Thank you so much though for your kindness and understanding...it does make me feel better.
I've been thinking about your dilemma off and on for days now. Well, many times before now because you've spoken of this many times.
So I'm gonna give ya some tough love, kiddo. Brace yourself. I say the following with love and compassion, I do.
Today more than at any time in history, I think, so many of us who are fortunate enough to have the leisure time we enjoy believe that we should be able to express ourselves however we want. No matter the consequences. Have whatever we want, get whatever we want, be whomever we want. Nothing should stand in one's way.
If we want something, then by God, we should *have* it. Right?
But truth is, we can't always have everything we want. Sometimes what we want is bad for us. Drugs, for instance. Plenty of people *want* drugs but are they good for the person? Fast food, you might want it but is it a good thing to eat? As for being able to do anything one wants to do, if someone is blind or deaf or in a wheelchair, what good does it do to lament over and over again that they cannot have sight or hearing or be able to walk? Isn't it better to accept that we have certain limitations in this life than constantly berate ourselves for not having something we simply cannot ever have?
And sometimes indulging in what we want hurts someone we love.
Allan cannot give you this thing you want from him and he never will. And he tried, too, and many husbands don't even do that. He tried, but he can't do it, he just can't. If you intend on staying with Allan then it would benefit you to let go of obsessing over this.
Stop reading the BDSM and D/s blogs you read and I know you read quite a few. Every time you read them it just reinforces these desires in you. If this new support group is D/s or BDSM based at all, then stop going there. Throw out the toys you have. Throw out any books you might have. Work specifically on letting go. When your thoughts start to go there, remind yourself that that's not something you can have.
Be happy for what you DO have; your husband, your kids, throw yourself into a new hobby, get away from all this D/s stuff.
Because you cannot have it both ways in this case. If Allan were interested or if he'd let you have an affair or wouldn't mind you playing online or whatever, that would be different.
But he's never going to change and you know this now; you guys did therapy, you've tried to make it work, you've discussed it to death but it's not working so accept that. It's as if he were in a wheelchair and you secretly expected him to walk every day. It's not fair to him.
In a much smaller MUCH MUCH smaller scale example, like the anal thing with us. I know it's always been a fantasy of Dan's so despite my absolute terror about it, we both tried many times but it just wasn't meant to be. I cannot do that thing, I just cannot, it's far too painful and he's too big so...He says it's not a big deal, that I give him so much in so man
He says it's not a big deal, that I give him so much in so many ways but it WAS a big deal to him, I know him, so I'm sure he'd still like it if I could give it.
But we just don't talk about it anymore and Dan won't even let me bring it up. It's finished, done, won't be happening. Not ever.
However, even though I can't do that for him, I certainly don't expect him to go out and FIND some woman to let him fuck her in the ass just because it's always been something he personally wanted to do.
Just as if he were suddenly in a wheelchair and unable to function or if he had a brain injury and could no longer do D/s, I would have to suck it up and use Mr. Hitachi.
Who isn't such a bad guy, you know.
There is no way I would go out and find someone to express my desires to just because Dan couldn't do it anymore. We're married for life and come what may, I'm never going to be with anyone but Dan again. That was my vow and that was my decision and I'm sticking by it.
I know you'll say, well, Amber, at least you got to have the D/s thing with Dan but you know what? If I hadn't ever been able to express it, it would have been okay. Sure it's been fun and great and all but so have a lot of other things in my life. Which are far more important than this D/s thing.
Bottom line; if I could only be with Dan but without the D/s thing, I'd choose to be with Dan anyway. I love him, I love the man he is and if the D/s thing had never been a part of "us", that would still be worlds better than not having Dan at all.
Now if Allan were saying he didn't want you around at all, if he didn't want your company, that would be different. But he's depending upon you as his wife, is he not? He loves you and shows it? Has been loyal to you, been a good husband, a good father, a good provider all these years? Still expects you today to be his best friend, his wife, even now when things are so difficult healthwise?
Then you owe it to him and your marriage vows to be the wife you said you would be.
I know what I say isn't popular. I know many disagree with my stance on this. I know that there are people who say we should all be able to be whatever we are and express ourselves no matter what and blah blah blah.
But if I had always "expressed" myself in any way I wanted just because I felt like it, without thinking about the effect I would have upon those around me, I would not have been a good parent. Or a good wife. Or a good employee, friend, you name it. Sometimes there are sacrifices to be made. It isn't fun but it's a fact.
I hesitated a long time before posting this because I don't want to upset you or hurt you. But if we were talking in person over a cup of coffee the way we women tend to pour our hearts out to each other about our marriages and whatnot, this is pretty much what I would say to you or to any friend of mine. I hope I didn't overstep. Big big hugs. {{{{{Jocelyn}}}}
Jocelyn ~ I have been thinking a lot about your situation more the last few days too and have been hesitating and having trouble figuring out the right way to say what I want to say - or even if I should say it
actually I wrote out a whole long thing this morning and wiped it out because I wanted to think on it some more - but Amber said pretty much exactly that I've been thinking
it probably sucks to hear but it is what it is
and you should know that in life and in marriage there are LOTS of things people want but can't have because other things outweigh their importance
for example - I would LOVE it if Sam was better about cleaning up after himself, putting his toys away and taking the garbage out without being nagged
he would love it is I was quicker to put the laundry away, wanted sex more often, and was into doing other guys (some weird fantasy of his)
none of this is ever going to happen - he was raised by wolves... I'm not willing to compromise my self - that's that - we've gone over and over whether or not these issues are deal breakers for us... thankfully (so far) they are not *knock on wood* hehehe
bottom line - you are the only one who can know for sure if this issue is a deal breaker for you or not
all I know is I wish you could find some peace with the matter - but I think Amber's advice to step away from all the D/s and BDSM stuff is a good idea - it's eating you alive and you'll never be able to think clearly as long as you're wrapped up so deeply in it
I actually discussed this in therapy last night. I wish my wife was more into sex, had a higher libido (one orgasm a month is about what she likes, and I'm sure she could live with less), was more open with her body and with me. But she's not. That's who she is. And even though I may not like it, I like the other things, so is this one thing so bad that I have to walk away? On some days YES IT IS! But that's the rarity. So I have to keep the good stuff in mind and figure out how to make this life satisfying for myself. Easy? Hell no. But it's the right thing for me and my marriage.
I don't know what you should and shouldn't do. Heck, I don't even know what *I* should or shouldn't do! I feel pretty confident in saying that no one person can be everything to another. Allan will never be everything to you and neither will some other man. Before you do anything (and by the way, I do NOT recommend an online D/s relationship - it simply leaves way too much to be desired and I doubt you'll get the fulfillment you seek), you should ask yourself the question Elizabeth asked: Is it worth what you might lose?
Boy, do I know how you feel! We have the same elephant in the house, and I'm so frustrated some days I could scream. I have even googled 'disciplinarian' to see what would come up. I have this fantasy of someone who would 'teach' him how to be more dominant. I don't know what the future holds, but I know it will be with my hubby. If we get all this straightened out, that will make it even better. If we don't, well, I'll just keep nudging along while still being thankful for what we do have together and just keep hoping that the other things will come with time. Just wanted to let you know that you weren't the only one who feels this way. Keep your chin up!
This elephant has been in this room for some time now and it's starting to stink!
Phew!
Commenting by HaloScan
