Proverbs 16:31
See-Dubya | 03.01.05 - 5:22 am | #

Dawn,

As one who has read a whole lot of books about singles, etc. I agree that they shouldn't be blunt and say, "Wake up and smell the coffee, you might not get married." The statement that used to hurt me a lot, "As soon as I stopped looking, I found him." When you have tried that a number of times, and failed, it's bitter too.

I don't know your path, but hope that you have fun and enjoy the trip. All I can say, is that mine is much different than I had planned, and much more enjoyable, too.
Anna | 03.01.05 - 6:00 am | #

You are not far from the kingdom. Get used to it! :)
Dennis | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 7:11 am | #

There is hope: my mother got married as an over-40 widow with 3 teen daughters to a man 7 years younger.

While there is life, there is hope. Never give up hope.

And I wish I had white hair. I've only got a few gray/white strands I can barely see now. I have no idea if any woman in my family had a tendency to go white, as they all have dyed their hair. Hmph.
meep | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 7:33 am | #

I must confess, I can't stand those durn books for "Christian Singles."

You Dawn, are just about the only person I have ever heard say anything sensible on the subject (other than me).

I can never really think of myself as a 'single.' It sounds too much like having a special word for a person with only one head. Well, it's not so much the word, It's more my dislike for the proliferation of over-specialised Christian ministries.
You kind of wonder what's next: "We're the group for young single Christian mothers of colour between the ages of of 15 and 25 with children aged under five", "elderly ex-servicemen amputees with children but without grandchildren", "30-35 yr old asian career women married with no kids." etc

If people were to give up hope on getting married, when would that be? I hear occasionally of older couples getting married. Particularly this one couple in their eighties, and for the guy he was getting married for the first time to his first love! It took a whole lifetime to find the right woman. That guy is my hero, but I would prefer to be married a bit sooner than that.
Rhys | 03.01.05 - 7:49 am | #

Ok, Dawn, I love you, but look....I was going gray at 19. I saw a picture of myself when I was 40 and I looked 60, so right then and there I took a cue from Loreal, and goodbye gray.

Number two: As a New York friend told me 24 years ago, "If you want him, ask him out yourself"! So I did, and my nonplussed Brit and i got married within the year.

I am no "60's feminist" but ya gotta do what ya gotta do, and don't try to conform to this uber-Prot version of the "Christian Woman" that you hear all the time on Christian radio.
(You know...soft voice, high pitch...butter wouldn't melt...). It ain't us, and God knows that!
Janjan | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 8:38 am | #

Dawn,

I've been there. I empathize entirely. It was painful and frustrating and scary.

I'm now engaged to a wonderful young man. But even now there is no absolute surety given for what God has planned. It's a walk of trust all the way down the aisle. When I ponder all the "what if's" and try graspingly to prevent them, I start to go a little crazy.

The only thing I can say to keep myself at peace sometimes is: "What have I to fear from the Hand that was pierced for love of me?" Even if it is His will that I have to be crucified with Him, I have to have faith in a resurrection -- even if it's not one I see in this life.

A quiet trust in His loving Providence is a grace you can't force, though. You have to ask for it. And the easiest way I've found to attain it, is to meditate on the Passion and the love He shows for us in it.
Suzanne | 03.01.05 - 10:04 am | #

I think you'd look very sophisticated with white hair (or even a bunch of white hairs.) Though it sounds like you're not quite ready for that 'sophisticated' look...

I didn't see anyting about hair color on your list, BTW. So why should you take a chance on any man whose list is that superficial? Would he still love you when you're 64?

(Since I'm a guy, I know none of this applies, but) I had my hair & beard grayed for theatre back in college, & liked it so much that I've been looking forward to the real thing (it's coming...) I always knew I'd go gray before my Dad (who colors! It's all I can do to keep from teasing him about it!)
Mark H | 03.01.05 - 10:28 am | #

This is interesting. When I was single for what seemed like forever, I had the opposite opinion. I didn't want people to say "when you get married" or to act like people in our singles Bible class would soon "Graduate" to the young marrieds class. I wanted people to know I was living my life right now for God - I didn't need anyone but him - and I wasn't waiting for anything to happen for my life to begin. I would say to my family - "I might never get married." I wasn't being fatalistic - just trying not to put my life on hold. My sister is 45, very lovely and charismatic, and never married. I hope she's not waiting for something to happen before she begins her life.

I don't say that's exactly what you are saying (that you are waiting for your life to begin) - but I just wanted to express that I wanted to be OK with my life as it was. I wanted the contentment God offered me.

Angi Lovejoy
Angi | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 10:29 am | #

My husband's aunt was a single missionary until she was well past 40. She remained faithful to the Lord, however, and in the course of her ministry she met another missionary (he was a widower) and they have been happily married for 3 years now. It's very inspiring. Though I do feel lucky that I got married after being a Christian for only two years; I felt as though my newly found committment to chastity would last forever, I can't be sure of that, knowing me.
Misty | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 11:07 am | #

Dawn,
As Janjan says, "Ask him out!" She who hesistates can get lost. Take an active part in your search for a spouse. The notion wait and he will come to you should be buried.
Don't expect Mr. Right unless you can live up to Ms. Right. I once heard a married woman talk about setting up a dating service for her single women friends. When she asked them what kind of man they were looking for they all described this perfect man. She gave up because none of these women were anywhere near perfect and yet that's what they expected their men to be. Get real. People have faults. Learn what faults you can live with (just like you'd want them to overlook your faults). The trick to a successful marriage is learning when to cut your spouse some slack. The curtains come down shortly after the honeymoon. If you can still stand the person, warts and all, your marriage has a chance.
Keep in mind that your chances of finding the type of guy who want is limited by where you live (like I tell my friend in San Fran when she complains about the men out there - gee, I wonder why you don't meet anybody). Consider moving to another part of the country where you're more the norm than the exception. Happy in Peoria is better than lonely in the Big Apple. You can always visit Big Apple, but can you visit a happy marriage?
Also think about volunteering on a steady basis. I use to do Read-A-Loud and tutored when I was looking for a teaching job. If you're not meeting someone on your nights off you need to change your activities. I loved record collecting, but you never meet many females (except for that 18 year old who wrote for the Bob).
It surprises me that alot of women discriminate against men that earn less than them. When women started competing against men in the job market the old stereotype of the man as a the main provider should have been dropped. Every time a woman takes a job traditionally held by a man that is one less eligible man in the available pool of potential mates. While I would never recommend picking a man with no job you can't discriminate against a guy who might earn less than you. Too many women are waiting for Prince Charming. While you can dream about it in your 20s that will change when you come out of the Tunnel in your 40s. Relationships are like the game of Fox and Geese. What appears to be at first may not be the same by the end of the game.
In short, paradin'! Get out there, job or no job, you can wait for him. Go and find him! I still think some sort of dance activity would help. You always have a sense of community (and usually without the booze and smoke) even if you don't meet someone that night. Try contra dancing. The odds are usually on your side and the dancing is easy enough. You can walk you can contra.
Steve Harvey | 03.01.05 - 12:41 pm | #

See-Dubya, I looked up that proverb and it's perfectly apropos—thanks!

Janjan and Steve, I've found that with one notable exception—my prom date—every time I asked a man out because I felt he was too shy to ask me out, it ended badly. The first test of a man who will be a good husband is that he is willing to take a risk for the greater good—in this case, risking rejection. It takes courage to do the right thing, the opposite of pragmatism.

The only way I might even consider asking a man out were if I had very strong reason to believe that he thought (falsely) that I was already dating someone else, or that I was out of his league.

That said, if I like someone, I will drop names of museums or other places in town that I'd like to see. (That gives him an idea of whether we share common interests too.) But if he doesn't take the hint and take some initiative, I'm not about to come right out and say, "Come with me to the Casbah..."

Thanks to the others who have commented on this post—I appreciate your encouraging words and empathy very much.
Dawn Eden | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 1:03 pm | #

I'm uncomfortable reading all this talk about lowering her standards. If you go to the list of qualities, they;re actually quite reasonable and thoughtful.

In fact, I know a number of terrific single fellows who meet everything (except not quite on the TV), but none of them live, or would want to live, in NYC. The main reason being - guys who feel share Dawn's values would be very unlikely to want to raise their children in a big big city. And they wouldn't be likely to look for a wife there, either, since women like Dawn are mot at all common there.

As for the list of qualities - she's very much right to shun what she calls 'pragmatism' - compromising on essentials. The only one that looks iffy is the no tv thing - my experience is that 98% of those who say they never watch tv really mean "except for this and that show".

But should she compromise much on that? No, because TV defines the culture of the household. Should she compromise on marrying a Christian fellow, faithful, who shares her morality? Of course not! Those things go straight to the heart of a common understanding of 'marriage', aside from the other awful consequences of disagreeing on them.

As for books - my own experience is that readers and non-readers don't mix well over the long haul. They don't. Maybe it works, sometimes, by the grace of God. But generally, readers like to share that.
Matthew McGuire | 03.01.05 - 1:12 pm | #

I dunno, Dawn. I'd take having a little more hair, be it red, blond, black, brown or white...
Dean | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 1:46 pm | #

I'm not about to come right out and say, "Come with me to the Casbah..."

nothing to offer here, really. But recently, I was at the wedding of a friend of the family (a 40 something woman marrying for the first time, actually) with my mother and father. At the reception, the couple had opted for a cash bar.

As my mother and I were chatting, my father sidled up and wispered to my mother, in his best Pepe Le Pew, "Come with me to the cash bar."

Sorry girls, he's taken.
Nora | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 2:19 pm | #

I met my husband at the Church of Our Savior on Park Avenue (at a dance in the basement). Two weeks before our wedding, we attended a wedding at that church-- another couple that had also met there (in fact, I had danced with the other groom before my future husband walked through the door that fateful evening). We are not raising our "babies" in the city.

I was married on the feast of St. Anthony and I will ask him to help you find a husband.
MaureenM | 03.01.05 - 2:31 pm | #

I agree that pragmaticism can lead to error. In the main hall of the high school where I teach, there hangs a banner that states: "When we compromise, everybody wins!" I cringe every time I see it. Tolerance and compromise are the new gods, while "discrimination" (in the good sense of the word, wise judgment) is considered THE sin.
DON'T compromise your values in any arena, and if it helps any, I don't believe that there is only ONE person you are meant for (in marriage); but it does take commitment to whoever you choose. Of course, plenty of prayer before making the commitment is the smart way to go. And like the saying goes (or is it a book title?), Love is a choice.
Andy | 03.01.05 - 2:48 pm | #

Dawn,

Matthew is right. Your standards are not too high. Men need to step up to high standards and will, if you keep them.

I would even venture to say that there are men in NYC who meet your very reasonable standards. Don't haul stakes just to find a man. I lived in DC for a while and knew many single gentlemen like the one your dreaming of. I even know of a couple who ended up moving to NYC. Just because they may not want to be there long-term, doesn't mean they don't start out some of their single time there.

Also, even if you meet the gentleman who makes all your checkmarks and gets the highest final score, don't be discouraged if it doesn't work out. Remember that marriage is about communion of persons. Personality matters. Personality isn't identifiable by a list of traits.

There is something inarticulable about attraction and the right person and the vocation to marry a certain person.
Suzanne | 03.01.05 - 2:57 pm | #

Thank you, Dawn Eden, for reminding me that living a chaste life is one of the most beautiful acts of hope that one can make.
David J. Seleb | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 3:27 pm | #

It is so very humorous to me that some would suggest that NYC is a bad place to meet a single man. I guess the grass is always greener, but coming from a small rural town where I do not believe there are more than 5 single men my age, I find this insane. But if it is true, it is still nothing to worry about. God knows where we live and introduce us to our husbands without our going on a hunt and moving to a "better" city. There might "better odds" elsewhere, but I'm only looking for one person.
Camila | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 4:05 pm | #

There is a small point some may find semantic here, but worth noting. We are all called to a "chaste life" no matter our state or vocation.

'Chastity' is not the same as 'celibacy'. To be chaste is to have a well-ordered, properly manifested sexuality. For a single person or those with religious vows, it means celibacy. But husbands and wives are called to chastity, not celibacy.

It a form of the virtue of temperance. No virtuous person would ever abandon chastity whatever their state in life. Getting married doesn't mean you can eat like a pig, or drink until you pass out. Nor does it mean your sexual appetite can be perfectly unbridled.

This isn't just a Christian thing, by the way. Aristotle, for example, makes the same distinction in his Ethics.
Matthew McGuire | 03.01.05 - 4:17 pm | #

You always link to the neatest stuff, even your own. I've been wondering what your list of must-haves would look like.

...if it's any consolation, I don't see any in that photo.
P.R. | 03.01.05 - 4:59 pm | #

...gray, that is.
P.R. | 03.01.05 - 5:42 pm | #

Dawn, my heart goes out to you. The verse that comes to mind is Romans 8:32: "He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?" The God who delivered you from suicidal depression and from spiritual death and adopted you as His beloved daughter isn't going to withhold any good thing from you. Suzanne alluded to the same idea in her comment: "What have I to fear from the Hand that was pierced for love of me?"

Suzanne's mention of DC is interesting, too, as far as big cities where you can find godly men. Red State natives migrate to both NYC and DC, but the ones who go to NYC are more likely drawn there because they have Blue State values. Many Red State natives who have gone to DC are motivated by the desire to apply Red State values to national policy. They work for Republican congressmen and senators, in the Bush administration, and for think-tanks like Heritage and Family Policy Council. DC might be a great place to find a job and a husband that fits your values.

On the other hand, I read somewhere that there are nearly 2 million evangelicals in NYC, plus how many devout Christians of other denominations. That's a big pool.

One more verse: "And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." (Galatians 6:9)
LCP | 03.01.05 - 6:16 pm | #

Hi Dawn.

I'm 27, live in NYC, and am a single guy with kinda the same frustration you have: there's a lack of quality here which can be depressing.

I don't think your list of traits is unreasonable. At least they're not superficial (such as "he MUST be 6'4 and have blond hair").

My problem is, I have a distinct lack of fundamental knowledge about how to meet people. I've never been a "bar" person, I work so much that I don't have time for extended hobbies, and I'm pretty shy in general anyway. Once, I thought I was close to marriage with a girl I met at law school, but unfortunately New York City destroyed her faith. It was very unfortunate to witness and also have hopes dashed at the same time.

The WORST thing is, knowing when a girl is interested in me, but that I'm not interested in her. It's very difficult turning down people because I know there's an incompatibility they don't see, all the time hoping for something better. How many opportunities should a man turn away in the hope of something better in the future, knowing there may NEVER be something in the future?
Sydney Carton | 03.01.05 - 6:31 pm | #

I'm just egocentric enough to think that what she's looking for is a younger, healthier, somewhat more devout version of me.

(Actually, I'm not that egocentric, but I thought I'd throw that in, just to see if I had the nerve to throw that in.)

(I did. Barely.)
CGHill | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 6:32 pm | #

Oh Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, where do I start ? how about an old pop reference? "Daawwwwn, I'n no good for you". Not much of a four seasons fan but thought you might enjoy my attempt to communicate in a way that you can relate. And I should say from the start that am very unavailable as I am at least thirteen years older and and happily married for twenty years! Not to mention, Lord help me, I have two teenage kids! I have never contacted you before, am very new to blogs, and only started to read you a couple of weeks ago.

Well, I doubt if very many people will see this if I am down on the bottom of your comments list but let me give it a try and see If I can help:

Dear single christian men, whadaya dense? Here you have a very bright and beautiful woman of note who is deeply spiritual. She is quite frank about her own availability, so what is the matter with you? Ok so she is not necessarily the kind of hollywood bombshell beautiful you might think you want. But for a bookish, thoughtful type, just think of a conservative kind of girl with dark rimmed glasses and then she removes them and lets down her hair and whoa!
Besides, aren't you tired of going out with those shallow hollywood bombshell types? You know what I'm talking about. The ones you used to think were cute when you told a joke and they giggled and then told you that they didn't get it. If I had a younger single christian brother, who was at least as witty and charming as myself, she would already be taken. So what are you waiting for? Ask her out right now!!

There I hope that will do it. Come to think of it this is probably not the problem, I am sure that you have a long list of potential mates and now I have only compounded the problem. You should not have let me get involved, it is all you fault.

Ok, so on a more serious note - I think it is good to have a list that reflects your priorities. However, I am not sure that such a person exists, is available and meets the criteria without having some other serious flaw, like having a constant drolling problem or something.

The one that must never be compromised is #1. If he meets all the others won't he be just a little too much like yourself? Do you not want someone who is other? Wouldn't you want someone who is able to suprise you? Have you ever prayed for him? I don't mean praying just to find him but actually praying for him? I prayed for my wife before we ever met. Still, having a guide to measure his mating potential is good overall. The challenge is which to overlook because none of us is perfect. You could stick by the letter of your list and miss a great guy and remain single idefinitely. Don't worry though, I have a feeling that you are too wonderful to remain on the market longer than your expiration date. And a woman of your obvious qualities shouldn't just settle. Doing so could mean a marrige that would be much worse than being single. Divorce lawyers make a good living off of such underta
Michael T. | 03.01.05 - 6:32 pm | #

I've never seen so many comments on such an issue. Dawn, you are a much loved lady. Wow! I recently [past six weeks or so] told a 40 year old divorced mother, who really would like to find her real soul mate, that maybe God didn't want her to get remarried. That maybe he had other plans for her. After reading all of this, I've noted she hasn't really talked to me since then. I now feel the need to get back to her with a message of hope. I surely did not want to dash her dreams on the rocks. What a forum!
uncle jim | 03.01.05 - 6:35 pm | #

Dawn...

Spot on: Pragmatism sucks.

You've posted on "not dating but courting". You won't ask a man for his number. Sounds to me like you're retreating...

There's that old joke about the old Jew who spends his whole life praying to win the lottery and dies without ever winning: God tells him "you could at least have bought a ticket!"

Flirt a little, ask the guy for his number, wink! *Do* something! Let him take you on a *date*. Don't tell him that "courting" nonsense either, he'll be utterly perplexed and likely frightened. Dating dosn't mean you have to have sex with a guy, for God's sake. It's essentially an interview by which you discern the viability and wisdom of entering a "courtship" or "relationship" or whatever the hell word you like. If you ask a guy for his number he'll also give you his unless he's not interested. And rest assured he'll ask you out when you chat later in the week, unless he's a total ass.

If a woman I date dosn't show overt interest in me, then I won't ask her out again. If a woman I meet dosn't show overt interest I won't even bother asking for her number. Why would I? "Hey! Let's pursue someone who has no interest so I can get all frustrated and depressed! Yea!" Pursuing someone who's (a) not interested or (b) playing some "chase" game is a waste of a guy's time. Many men do it, but are those the men you want to pursue you?

Oh, and give these a go, if you're looking for men who won't balk at the suggestion of chastity:

http://www.conservativematch.com/
http://www.catholicmatch.com

I tried the latter of these and have met a lot of sweet women who weren't expecting me to f*** them. How refreshing! :)

May God Bless You! Hold in there!
Ian | 03.01.05 - 6:49 pm | #

happy half-birthday ! if its any consolation, having some greying hair early tends to correlate a less likely alopecia candidate. yes, i spent some time working for Dr Bosley.com . Btw, that's a superb "must have" list you culled. I think i'm pretty much there with you, though criteria #3 is debatable :)
pmoshay | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 6:57 pm | #

Dawn, I took a quick look at your "must-have" list and I must say you are very... specific. It's good to know what you want and to refuse to compromise on some crucial issues. That's pragmatic in a good way, because it wouldn't work otherwise. But life being what it is, if you found an intelligent and good Christian man that you were attracted to who also fell for you andcould make you laugh, you'd be very, very lucky.

Not that I know anything; I'm 49 and no better off in the lifetime-mate department than you are--and no happier about it.

While I'm at it, I must say:

The only way I might even consider asking a man out were if I had very strong reason to believe that he thought (falsely) that I was already dating someone else, or that I was out of his league.

That said, if I like someone, I will drop names of museums or other places in town that I'd like to see. (That gives him an idea of whether we share common interests too.) But if he doesn't take the hint and take some initiative, I'm not about to come right out and say, "Come with me to the Casbah..."

So in addition to the above, the nice fellow you are looking for must be a mind-reader, because the cues you are transmitting are always clearly received, and he must have a hobby and view his career as a vocation and... good grief and good luck!

Well again, what do I know; my list is much shorter and I'm still out here. The main part of the list being, I must really want her and she must relly want me.

Ooops, got to go, Law & Order: SUV is on...
Christopher Rake | 03.01.05 - 8:58 pm | #

Dawn, I was about half grey at 25. Completely grey by 32. About that time my hairline had noticably receded. About a year ago I decided to end the fantasy that I even have hair. The fact that made me look more like a rugby player was a plus.
If your roots showing was regarded as sufficient reason to not ask you out, then the guy was somewhat superficial and it is his loss. We currently see a distorted image in the glass. When we look at ourselves and at others. Just never forget that no matter what we see, God sees what He created, and He says, "It is very good".
J Rob | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 9:31 pm | #

I am not going to join the chorus and say I feel your pain,or go;sob,sob, boo hoo, poor baby.Throw away that list, and start using your faith;
My frosty pumpkin:
I know your Almighty Father has someone already picked out for you.How do I Know? He is God is He not?He has known you and your mate, befor you were ever born.Your betrothed may not be the kind of man you think you want,but he will be the kind of man you need.Pray and believe girl,that's all. Jesus knows your every need;so get up off your butt,and start walking in faith.Your man will come you will see. If you want a marriage made in heaven,go to the source; or you may get a mirage instead.
David | 03.01.05 - 10:46 pm | #

Dawn,

Don't you dare drop a single item from that list (though #8 may not even have occurred to some guys, so you might want to give him a break on that). The more we women settle, the lazier men get. You are going to want a man at least as strong as you are, and you won't get that by flirting and playing games - the right man will be gutsy enough to ask you out, and the right man will attract you enough that you won't be able to hide how interested you are.

That said, you have to meet each other at some point. Have you tried volunteering with some church associated charity?

My husband meets all of your criteria - but he's mine. Find your own. ;-)

Kate
Kate | Homepage | 03.01.05 - 11:31 pm | #

I've re-read over the much-discussed list for the first time since the fall and don't think any of the items terribly outre or unreasonable (I would make up a very, very similar inventory myself. But-- for a few reasons-- I find myself wondering: could the list be too short? That's to say, could there be one or more "must haves" hanging out there that have been omitted because of embarassment, or because one hasn't admitted them to oneself, or through simple oversight, or some other reason?
Karl Tiedemann | 03.01.05 - 11:47 pm | #

CGHill writes:

I'm just egocentric enough to think that what she's looking for is a younger, healthier, somewhat more devout version of me.

(Actually, I'm not that egocentric, but I thought I'd throw that in, just to see if I had the nerve to throw that in.)

Sydney, God bless you for working to hold onto your faith and grow it while living in such a secular city. I recently visited Tulsa, Okla., and saw firsthand the difference between New Yorkers' attitudes and those of people living in a faith-friendly atmosphere. It strikes you immediately.

As far as the dilemma you describe, it's hard for me to give advice because I've had the same problem. But I do believe that marriage requires a very strong feeling upfront, because it has to go deep enough that it creates a bond to last through the ups and downs of a lifetime. So, don't kick yourself for declining to have relationships with women who, although you know them fairly well, fail to cause a strong emotional pull.
Dawn Eden | Homepage | 03.02.05 - 1:16 am | #

Dawn, a spouse is a gift...a sign of a particular vocation to marriage. The form of your vocation is not really for you to decide. Your vocation is to live out your Baptismal promises, whether in the married state, single, religous...you are called to something, although it may not be what you think you want. What you really want is Him...your path is not necessarily for you to decide. And if it is marriage, to whom will become clear...his characteristics you have so clearly spelled out, but really!...I understand that game, played it myself. But the person is always a gift. (Even if they like to watch TV!) Being single is also a gift...I don't know, it seems to me that some Protestants don't get that. Just beg each day for Christ to show you His face...in God's time all will be clear.
catherine | 03.02.05 - 1:20 am | #

Karl writes: "[C]ould there be one or more 'must haves' hanging out there that have been omitted because of embarassment, or because one hasn't admitted them to oneself, or through simple oversight, or some other reason?"

Good question. My previous "Must Have" list included "good personal hygiene" or something like that, but I decided to hope readers would take that as a given. I also prefer men to be clean-shaven, but I didn't want to get into my physical requirements, as most of them are pretty flexible.

There are probably many other personal characteristics I could add to the list, but I think the important ones are all there. I do have a weakness for geniuses, but the kind of husband I'd like is one who's modest enough to not call himself a genius.
Dawn Eden | Homepage | 03.02.05 - 1:26 am | #

What no marriage proposals? You are a wonderful gal Dawn and the right man is going to let you know that he is attracted to you. I asked my wife to marry me after a month of seeing her regularly she was flattered but was bright enough not to say yes right away. Six months later I had to move three hundred miles away and she missed me enough that we married just a few days after Christmas. We just celebrated our Twenty-sixth wedding anniversary last December 30TH and I must say it has been a wonderful life. I was a confirmed bachelor when I met Sally and she changed my attitude in a hurry by all of her good qualities. She was living an active busy life when I met her and still is going strong to this day. Keep her in your prayers though she goes in for a heart cath on Monday.
Alnot | Homepage | 03.02.05 - 4:02 am | #

OK, no dating advice but a hair story. My daughter has beautiful coppery hair that lights up in the sun, and we wondered from whom she got it. Then, when I grew a goatee, I noticed that a few stary hairs came in exactly that color, which made me really proud. (There are a few white hairs in there as well, so my children have contributed to my hair color as well.)
Saint Kansas | Homepage | 03.02.05 - 9:51 am | #

Just to keep you, Dawn, and the rest of you starry-eyed singles from getting too romantic:

I hope you do not dream of Charms and Raptures, which Marriage ever did and ever will put an End to.
--Jonathan Swift

(I'm quoting from memory, but that's close.)

You want to keep in mind that a major spiritual function of marriage, and especially of having children, is to insure that we make progress in the requisite death-to-self. As the proctologists say, there may be some discomfort.

But having said that, let me add: Swift was a lifelong bachelor, while I've been happily married for 27-almost-28 years, and Charms and Raptures do still occur.
Maclin Horton | Homepage | 03.02.05 - 10:10 am | #

OK, I've been thinking about this more than I should over the last couple of days, and I finally figured out why (aside from taking my mind off my own troubles, of course. ;) )

A couple people have already alluded to this, but I don't think they went quite far enough. Your plight sounds like that of a friend I talked to just before Valentine's Day. She was going on about this guy she got along SO well with, and he seemed to like her, and yadda yadda; but she believed in the 'Biblical' view of courtship (or something like that,) and was waiting and waiting for him to ask her out. Finally I said to her (and I'm guessing the same could be said to you, ) 'Look, in all your public life, you come across as a confident, smart, outgoing woman. So how is a guy supposed to realize that in matters of courtship, you suddenly expect him to treat you like a passive, bashfull, blushing belle? You're trying to change rulebooks in the middle of the game (so to speak.)'

I've been reading your blog off & on for some time now; & until this post, I never would have guessed that you would let a potentially great guy just walk away because you wouldn't 'take the first step,' & were waiting for him to take you by the elbow & lead you off into the sunset.

(For the record, I agree that your list is perfectly reasonable, and need not be compromised.)
Mark H | 03.02.05 - 10:55 am | #

I am not sure I agree with Mark H. I'm not sure I disagree, but I'm not sure I agree either. As a single professional woman, who is "confident, smart, and outgoing" I worry that if I take the lead in starting the relationship, I will eventually take the lead in the marriage. And it is very important to me that the man be the head of the relationship. I have been of the mind that I must be careful to allow the man to lead the start of the relationship, because I'm afraid if I lead at the beginning we will never switch roles. Is this fear unfounded?
Camila | Homepage | 03.02.05 - 11:18 am | #

What on earth is going on here?
Were I a single man (I have been happily married for 21 years )I would be booking a flight from London Heathrow to JFK this minute!What on earth is up with the young, single, sincere men in the US? To quote Michael T above "Dear single christian men, whadaya dense? Here you have a very bright and beautiful woman of note who is deeply spiritual. She is quite frank about her own availability, so what is the matter with you?...Ask her out right now!!"
This is not negotiable!
Paul | 03.02.05 - 11:47 am | #

Alnot, my prayers are with you and your wife. My thanks to you and others who have written with encouragement.

Mark H, did you read the first comment I added to this post? (Search this page for the word "museum" and you'll find it.) I'm no blushing belle, and I stand by what I've written.
Dawn Eden | Homepage | 03.02.05 - 11:58 am | #

Camila,

"...Is this fear unfounded?"

With no more authority to speak on this than whatever is provided by several decades of observing the interactions of the male and female human, I say no, it's not unfounded.

The psychological phenomena on which the fear is based may not be reasonable but they're real. The attempt to ignore or wish away this kind of thing ("it should not be, therefore it is not") is involved in a lot of current difficulties between the sexes. IMO. FWIW.
Maclin Horton | Homepage | 03.02.05 - 12:43 pm | #

Camila,

You are absolutely right about allowing men to initiate. And, if the man doesn't lead from the start, the woman will worry throughout their entire relationship if he's really as committed to her as she is to him; this breeds an ugly genus of insecurity in a woman. A man in such a relationship can come to resent feeling that he has been ensnared by a woman.

That realtionships work best this way is a pretty wise God-design. He knows women generally need to cultivate the virtues of patience and trust which come from waiting, while men need to cultivate the courage that comes from initiating and risking rejection.
Suzanne | 03.02.05 - 1:09 pm | #

I appreciate Paul's incredulity about the purported inaction of Christian men, but there is another side to the story. Some years ago, I asked someone at church out-- she lit up said how much she appreciated it since Christian men are so very backwards in this respect, etc. This was just before telling me "no."

To put another way: a while back some of us were planning a comedy revue at New York's Redeemer Presbyterian Church. It was to revolve around love, singles, etc. Well, one of the most popular title suggestions was: "Somebody Date Me! No-- not YOU!!"

So, I think there's reason to regard the issue of too-high standards (and/or too-hasty decisions) as a serious one.
Karl Tiedemann | 03.02.05 - 1:14 pm | #

Ha,I love you wonderful people!
Every one here is full of good will including the Dutch uncle.
When I was a boy I carried a long list
for the girl of my dreams,everything from the color of hair to the size shoe she would wear; it is funny now,
but those kind of things really mattered to me back then. Now that I am no longer a boy and wiser,(though some would beg to differ:)I have only two prerequisites for my wife to be.
One;that I love her completely and unconditionally,and two;that she puts God first in our lives. I once had a girlfriend who loved me more than God;not a good thing,I never could convince her that God was more than just an inconvenience, she never understood what love was all about.
David | 03.02.05 - 1:55 pm | #

I don't believe Dawn has to take "the first step" and ask men out at all. She's already designated herself as clearly accessible to any single man with eyes in his head. Look at her post "Question Authority". She's on stage at Tuesday Night Trivia at the Baggot Inn.

There's two things that should flag every single guy's attention. First, she's dressed in a chaste, yet veryfetching sleeveless number. Second, "and this is the really important part", there's no hardware on her left hand. No engagement ring, no marriage ring. That's a clear signal to any guy with a smidgen of initiative.

Unless just the opposite is happening. Maybe some guys see Dawn when she's "out" and figure that a woman like her, probably already has a boyfriend.
P.R. | 03.02.05 - 6:58 pm | #

Aye, PR. I confess to making a "ring check" if I find myself in conversation with a fetching lass of roughly my age.

This was actually a topic on the radio (NJ 101.5 FM) the other night - "are there so many divorces because standards are too high?" I almost called in to howl at the hostess (unfairly, I might add). The real problem is that standards are too LOW. People give up too easily when feelings or attraction quit. They don't trust themselves to work out problems. They think that if it isn't effortless, it isn't lasting.

All backwards. Work at it! I like to tell myself, "I'm only going to do this once, so I'm in it for keeps."

I'm quite heartened that Dawn isn't going to lower her standards or go back on her committments simply to "bag a man." That's the surest way to get one that isn't worth having. In the meantime - be happy! One of the previous comments said, "I hope she isn't waiting to start living," or something close. That's precisely right. (In the spirit of full disclosure, I add that it's the part of "singularity" that gives me the most trouble.)

The volume and sagacity of the comments here suggest a step possibly worth taking - a mixer for all of us, somewhere in NYC (at least for those of us close enough). Could it hurt to hang out with some friends, music, and choice of beverage for a few hours?
Nightfly | Homepage | 03.02.05 - 7:45 pm | #

Nightfly, you are exactly right about people giving up too easily. In general they (we) take marriage far too lightly. My posthumously published memoirs will have some stories on this subject. Meanwhile, I'm frequently reminded of that Paul Simon song from the early '70s:

I like to sleep with the window open
And you sleep with the window closed
So goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Maclin Horton | Homepage | 03.02.05 - 11:06 pm | #

A dolly little palone like yourself who's trawling for a great butch omi should never let herself be photographed, much less photograph herself, in a fit of melancholy in bad lighting late at night when she's not properly dragged up. The glossy labes are fabe, but I mean -- call a skycap to help with those steamer trunks under your eyes! You don't want the omis thinking, "36? Is that in metric years?"

First impressions, heartface, first impressions! Only post photos that properly display that dolly eek of yours. Now that trivia pic -- fantabulosa!

And when you're ready to take care of that grey, ducky, trawl in and put yourself in Jule's hands. He tortures the riah lovely, he does.
Sandy | Homepage | 03.02.05 - 11:23 pm | #

Regarding the "Sandy" comment above, I'm surprised that a certain hardworking Oklahoma blogger has enough time on his hands to parody a '60s English radio show...
Dawn Eden | Homepage | 03.03.05 - 12:01 am | #

I must confess to being a little disoriented by the sudden appearance here of Sandy and his friend Julian. Who next-- Dame Celia Molestrangler and aging juvenile Binkie Huckaback?
Karl Tiedemann | 03.03.05 - 12:09 am | #

Dawn,

I am living a similar balance of frustration with the search for vocation and the joy of embracing whatever God has held out for me in the way of living singlehood.

Your list is terrific. For the record, though, there are guys I know who are brainy and intellectual who DON'T read (it's a miracle, I know, but it is really true).

My suggestion to you, as you live in NYC, is to go to Church of Our Savior more often...My hunch is that there are some guys who would be very likely to fit your profile who worship there (although they're probably all Catholic Christian - but devout all the same).

Mutual prayers on discernment, eh?
Angela | 03.03.05 - 9:05 am | #

P.S. I found my first grey hair at 17...they started to multiply by the time I was 22. Now I'm about 20% WHITE hair...and I color on occasion. My ma covers her grey but by our estimates she was all white by 35, and my Dad has the most gorgeous silver-fox hair now at 55. So I feel your pain. Let's go gray-cefully!
Angela | 03.03.05 - 9:09 am | #

Ah,what a marvelous symposium of love doctors.Let us hope that we saving the patient,and not over medicating her.I do not feel comfortable doing a postmortem on someone so very much alive.I do see a small problem,but it is easily curable,it has a lot to do with perception.Understanding how men think,will open many doors for her.
David | 03.03.05 - 11:41 am | #

Hey Dawn, first off you're excessively adorable, m'dear, and that's factual. I love your high standards. You're gutsy to go for broke when you're betting on God. He's not a pooper, He doesn't string hoping hearts along,and He knows how to make men. I think you're already doing everything to attract the right kind of guy- you're living your own full and vibrant life, you're following through on what you're curious and passionate about and you're letting people know who you are. I'm basically 100% positive that what's-his-name will show up directly.
I don't believe that God is going to let all the good lovin' you've got to give go to waste.
honest + popular | Homepage | 03.04.05 - 6:25 pm | #

Hi, Dawn! I just discovered this page and your "must-have" list. I say "keep on doing what you're doing", but don't get so upset when somethng doesn't happen when you want it to happen. It's not like the guy is moving to Australia -- he could be preparing a campaign. And even if he's not interested, the size of your pool of potential mates is diminished only infinitesimally (especially since you live in NYC).

I see that "Paul" had the same reaction I did when discovering your website (if I were not married I would be taking radical steps to make your personal acquaintance). And I don't see any reason someone who IS available and compatible won't eventually discover you.

Re your list: you should be willing to cut some slack on #2 (some people aren't yet doing what they really want to do for practical reasons) and #8 (I have been TV-less for many years, but lots will never have tried). Compromising on any of the others would be unwise, I think.
Joseph | 03.13.05 - 11:58 pm | #