Q: What does the President find when he puts his finger in his ear?

A: Johnson's Ear Wax.
Mark Scott Abeln | Homepage | 05.22.08 - 12:34 am | #

a guy walks into a pet shop and says to the parrot,"can you talk, can you talk?"... the parrot replies,"sure I can talk, can you fly?"
paulsmos | 05.22.08 - 12:38 am | #

Was the Ant in any of the Pink Panther cartoons? I'm sure that the Ant was only with the Aardvark.
Bender | Homepage | 05.22.08 - 1:22 am | #

I don't know what the first joke I ever told was, but I remember the first knock-knock joke I made up, when I was in preschool:

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Sand.
Sand who?
Sandal!

Hahahahaha! Um...it was hilarious when I was four. Also, I remember this classic from when I was a kindergartener: Wanna hear a dirty joke? A pig in mud!
bethany actually | Homepage | 05.22.08 - 2:06 am | #

I actually have a record of a joke I wrote down in first or second grade. As befits a future blogger, I stole a routine from a Burns and Allen Show from the night before. I titled it "A Funny Story".

George is sitting down to breakfast and asks Gracie to see if the morning paper is on the porch. She returns a moment later and cheerfully announces, "Yes, it's there!"
Robert N G | Homepage | 05.22.08 - 8:21 am | #

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

-----------------------------------
A cop is out patrolling when one day he sees a man driving a convertible go by him and he thinks there's something funny in the back seat of the car. He pulls the driver over, walks up to the convertible (the top is down), and sees a bunch of penguins in the back seat.

"Hey" he says to the driver. "You can't be driving around town with those penguins in the back. Now I want you to take them to the zoo!"

The driver looks very concerned and says "Yes sir, officer, I don't want any trouble."

So the cop lets him go.

Next day, the cop is patrolling again when he sees the same convertible go by and darn if those penguins aren't still in the back seat!

"I don't believe this!" says the cop as he proceeds to pull the driver over and walk up to the car. When he glances in the back seat sure enough, there are the penguins. Only this time they're wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.

"Hey" the cop says, "I thought I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo!"

The driver looks a little puzzled, and says "But officer I did."

"Today they want to go to the beach."
Kevin | 05.22.08 - 9:05 am | #

I like the penguin joke.
Interloper | 05.22.08 - 10:00 am | #

Knock, knock....

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock, Knock....

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock, knock....

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say "Banana"?



(Come to think of it, that seemed a lot funnier about 25 years ago!)
Julianna | 05.22.08 - 10:13 am | #

Robert NG
i do a variation of that almost everytime i answer the phone and some asks if the missus is available ...
i say "yes, she is."
then i wait.
uncle jim | Homepage | 05.22.08 - 10:31 am | #

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Don't cry.

Hey, remember you asked.
Didymus | Homepage | 05.22.08 - 11:21 am | #

Orange you glad I didn't say knock-knock?

My boys think they can outwit their dad, back when they were 3 and 5.
Robert N G | Homepage | 05.22.08 - 12:29 pm | #

Why are fire engines red?

Fire engines are red because newspapers are read, too.
-Two plus two is four.
-Four times three is twelve.
-There are twelve inches in a foot.
-There are three feet in a yard.
-In a yard, ships are built.
-Ships sail on the sea.
-In the sea are fish.
-Fish have fins.
-The Finns fought the Russians.
-The Russians are Red.

That's why fire engines are red, because they're always rush'n.
Andy | 05.22.08 - 2:10 pm | #

A duck walks into the corner drug store and says "can I have some chapstick...and put it on my bill"
Rob | 05.22.08 - 2:55 pm | #

I honestly can't remember the first joke I ever heard, but I always enjoy jokes like this:

A rabbi, a nun, and a duck all walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, is this some kind of a joke?"
nightfly | Homepage | 05.22.08 - 4:26 pm | #

first joke/ impression that I recall
I was about 6 years old, and in front of the family I put my shoulders up to my ears, and my chin on my chest, and said "Ladies and gentlemen, we got a real big shoe in store for you. A really big shoe, and I have no neck! "
The family died laughing. I was doing Ed Sullivan.
Mia | 05.22.08 - 10:21 pm | #

At the holiday dinner table, Little Johnny asks for a second piece of pie. His grandmother says, "Why, Johnny, if you eat one more bite, you're going to burst!" Little Johnny replies, "Then pass the pie and get out of the way!"

That was one of the first jokes I remember telling others as a kid. I thought it was hilarious. It still makes me smile.
Anonymous | 05.23.08 - 12:36 am | #

A friend of mine from, oh, second or third grade had a favorite joke, to wit:

Q: "If April showers bring May flowers,
what do May flowers bring?"

A: "Pilgrims."
DeeBee | 05.23.08 - 11:57 am | #

These are probably from a bit earlier in my elementary school career:

Q: "What's black and white and read all over?"
A1: "A newspaper."
A2: "An embarrassed zebra/penguin."

Q: "How can you tell there is an elephant in your refrigerator?"
A: "His footprints are in the Jello."

Q: "What's green and flies through the air?"
A: "Super Pickle!"
DeeBee | 05.23.08 - 12:06 pm | #

Mine is the same as Juliana's, as well as other knock-knock jokes. I was really into elephant jokes for a while, too.
Like
Why do ducks have flat feet?
So they can stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big feet?
So they can stamp out burning ducks.
I actually still think a lot of elephant jokes are funny. :)
Stephanie Schnorbus | Homepage | 05.23.08 - 3:21 pm | #

Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One atom says to the other, "I think I lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive!"
LL | 05.23.08 - 6:22 pm | #

Here is the first joke my son (6) learned how to tell:

Two muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin turns and says to the other, "Boy, it's HOT in here!"

The other muffin looks back and says, "Ack! A talking muffin!"
corita | 05.24.08 - 1:20 am | #

I don't know if I can remember the first joke, but here are a few:

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants walking over the hill?
A: "Look, there are elephants walking over the hill!"
Q2: What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants walking over the hill with sunglasses on?
A: Nothing; he didn't recognise them.

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
theobromophile | 05.24.08 - 1:41 am | #

The first joke I remember hearing was when I was about three:

What's Black and white and red all over? ...A newspaper.

Then some of the kids a year or two older than me started school:

What's black and white and black and white and black and white? ...A nun rolling down a hill.

My favorite from back then?

Knock knock.
Who's there.
Dwayne.
Dwayne Who?
Dwayne the bath tub I'm Dwounding!
Kenny | 05.24.08 - 11:21 am | #