Jillian,
There seems to be a wave of loneliness going through our community. Donna's post affected me, as it seems to have affected you. I saw that the ENDA BS that happened last year has zapped a lot of hope in this community. It has caused us to be introspective and to bring up all the things we have lost when we made our decision to be truthful to ourselves.
I had a breakup with a girlfriend a month ago and the feelings are still raw and at the surface. We have since because good friends, but only being good friends now only makes the loneliness deeper.
I will continue to move forward with my life, because to stop and wallow in self-pitty keeps me from being there if a friend needs me. In love, I will continue to get my heart broken and I will continue to move forward, knowing that if I stop wo wallow in self pitty, I could miss "The One."
We have to keep trying in getting ENDA to cover us and to pass. I have a saying that keeps my going. "There is no shame in failure, but there is in failure to try." We will try, on and on. Just remember this, you have friends out here who respect and love you. After reading these lovely words from you, you can count me as one of them.
Monica Helms
Monica, your words touched me deeply. Thank you.
I began my transition 2 years ago this month and I realized at the time that lonliness would most likely follow me my entire life. I have, as you wrote about, loving children, friends to talk to and I have filled my time with many sorts of advocacy work (which was my way of dealing with all the bigotry and lonliness we all feel). I recognize what both you and Donna have written about and I agree. How can we as trans people not feel isolated when there are so many people that consider us to be a pariah, a freak who needs to be kept away from "normal society"? I don't really have an answer to this other than to continue doing what you are doing, for which I am thankful. As for myself, I will continue in my transition (I am one of those people that consider that to be a never ending process), and face the lonliness head on with all the pride that I can muster.
Thank you for all your work on our behalf.
Hi Jillian,
Welcome back. You – and you voice = were missed. Loneliness is one of the most dehabilitating emotions there is. Please know that you are not alone. Your words bring comfort, hope, insight and direction to many. In return we are there with you because we share the words you speak in our minds and hearts.
I recently adapted a South African protest song for part of my address at Michigan Pride. It was an “I” song that I made a “we” song to remind us that we are in this together and that we will prevail. Here are the words I quoted:
"The higher they build their barriers, the taller we become.
The farther they take our rights away, the faster we will run.
The more they refuse to hear our voice, the louder we will sing.
Brothers and sisters,
When they insist that we aren’t good enough and we know better,
Just look them in the eye and say,
“We’re gonna do it anyway.
We’re gonna do it anyway.”
Because there’s something inside so strong.
And I know that we can make it,
Though they’re doing us wrong, oh so wrong.
They thought our pride was gone.
Oh no, there’s something inside so strong;
Something inside so strong."
Hugs and blessings,
Julie
First of all, welcome back, Jillian.
We missed you.
There are few issues facing gender variant persons, and one that is more seldom addressed in various forums such as conferences and blog sites than that of lonliness.
It is an issue that is a self-perpetuating vicious cycle. We believe that because we are different from cisgender prople, we are flawed. Because we perceive ourselves as being flawed, we avoid contact with people who could offer friendship to us, and we self-marginalize ourselves. Then we believe the world is marginalizing us, and so we hide ourselves away in the solitude of our homes. By hiding, we avoid the possibility of being hurt, but by doing so we have few friends, and we miss out on love. Because we have no one to love, we feel as though we are flawed, and the cycle continues unabated and deepens.
At a conference in 2007, I met someone who broke that cycle, and while the relationship failed, I had to gain insight into where my life was headed.
Recently I met another individual who completely changed the course of my life. In hearing of the very difficult life of this person, I have had to change my fundamental concept of what it means to be a transgender person. What she has faced in her relatively short life would have overwhelmed most people.
It is one thing to wear a button saying, "Transgender and Proud," but it's another to turn innermost feelings of shame to those of pride. I am so very proud to have this person as a friend that it has influenced my self-concept and my concept of my gender variant brothers and sisters.
I believe that our Creator has made us gender variant for purposes only He understands. This is a burden for all of us to carry, but in His infinite wisdom He has abundantly blest us in many other ways.
It has taken me 70 years to reach this point, but I as a gender variant person no longer feel shame but rather I feel pride in who I am. I am deserving of friendship, and even love.
I hope my dear brothers and sisters who read this take it to heart. You are special and unique. Please celebrate who you are, and venture forth proudly to love and be loved.
You are very much worthy of love, and you deserve it.
Even in the midst of a stellar relationship, one can encounter loneliness. Beloved keeps a brave front going, but confided to me recently (2 years post-transition) that she does miss what we were before, in three ways: gender, of course, but also communication (I'm very deaf and just got a Captel telephone so I can still take calls) and memory (I'm losing my short-term memory at the ripe old age of 59).
"I feel so -- so ISOLATED!" she wailed.
But this comes in waves. The troughs. The peaks are something else again; coffee together in the mornings, with the chickens and the hummingbirds in attendance, or harvesting spinach and peas together. I hope for everyone to have this much and more, and especially for you, J, and D, too for having given so much to us all.
risa b
Thank you all for your wise and touching comments. I am honored to be in such good company.
Jillian
Hi Jillian!
I can't stop you from feeling lonely. But I can stop you from feeling alone.
Think about all the heroic people you've come to know, merely because you were born trans.
We all, academics, scientists, engineers and lawyers, try to remain professional and objective. To be scrupulously honest with our opinions, no matter how much they may not be in accord with our wishes.
Part of that honesty though is to sometimes admit that we are, after all, merely human. As women, we can even be particularly vulnerable at times, and allow ourselves to be upset by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. It's a privilege, and a right, just to be merely human, and not wholly objective and cold.
So please take a hug. Because we are allowed to. Because if anyone has, we have earned the right to.
Jillian,
Even though I transitioned three years ago, I only recently separated from my wife and life partner. I knew it was coming and planned for it, but it has hit me a lot harder than I hoped it would.
I too am fortunate that I have a good job, accepting children, and some close friendships. But, I feel the loneliness in the pit of my stomach every day. I was always somewhat of a loner pre-transition and suspect many of us are or were. But, I'm beginning to realize that it was easier because it was on my own terms, in my own space - my hideaway where I could manage my shame and guilt.
Now, I have the foreboding sense that this isolation will follow me for many years to come. I think it's the idea that it won't ever end that makes it so intense.
I have no advice, but I find this quote from a movie helps to keep me grounded.
"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think..."
...about the loss of my soulmate and all of those social connections, and how much being true to myself has cost me.
I do hope you find those things which will keep you going and get you back on track.
Warm Regards,
I feel you. And I'm so glad to see you back...
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