I can just picture you and Doris both standing there with Gin and Tonics in your hands admiring your handiwork.
RG : Having a drink in your hand is the best way to deal with any situation in our family. Or any holiday for that matter.
Bad cat! BAD!
Dave : And you say you don't like cats. And with Doris, "Goddamned son-of-a-bitch" featured a lot more heavily than "bad kitty".
I loved this post! Nailing the tree to the floor...priceless.
Gavin : Never a dull moment is our family motto.
Gawd! You have to publish a book! I was so tickeld reading this because so much of it sounds like my family! I love the idea of your mom with the "look of battle" in her eye! All us moms get it every once and awhile! Thanks again for sharing such a great story!
Kamrin: Thanks for the kind words. Mom's are all the same once they've made up their minds aren't they? I guess you'll just have to keep reading my blog until I get that big book deal.
These are the stories that I really wish you would collect into a set of short stories and publish. I love your storytelling voice.
Monkey: Ah, Monkey..... (blush)
Funniest Christmas tree story ever. I've noticed how trees often grow between the lot and the living room.
Misty: Yes, those pesky old trees just hunch up till they get in the house, once they're in the living room they take over. Sorta' like relatives, only prettier.
Ah, Tony, this was an amazing story 
For the first time ever, I recognized myself in your mother (dear god!)... I just bought my floor's Christmas tree, forcing four boys to come with me to carry it in the T I didn't make them nail it to the floor though (maybe next year?), I just had them stuffing it in a small garbage can and attaching it to the pipes on the ceiling.
Having a Christmas tree is however a very bad idea as they are "illegal" since, as any sane person knows, trees (even those without Christmas lights) self-combust all the time... and we haven't received the visit of those dear firemen this year yet...
Cherie: I will choose to ignore the comparison to your sweet self and Mamere. However I am, first, proud of you for bullying those boys into doing your bidding and second, pleased that you are aware of the treacherous nature of trees. I don't know how many times I have been innocently walking down the street when one has burst into flames right near me. Evergreens are particularly untrustworthy!
So glad you finally put this up! I loved it before, and even better with a second reading. You do have an excellent narrative voice, and after having met you, I was totally imagining you telling me this story as we were walking somewhere (are there any places in Boston we missed? hehe) or having a cup of coffee. I hope you are collecting all your childhood stories, I agree they would make an excellent collection of short stories. Thank for making me laugh Tony!
Tater Glad I could brighten up your day! I'll have to save some stories for your next visit east and once I have walked you into a proper state of submission, I'll torment you over coffee with them.
uh Thank(s). I thank.
Tater: I love it when you talk southern!
OHMYGOD, I was so busy laughing my ass off earlier I forgot to comment. For the rest of you, I was chatting with Evil-G while reading this earlier today. It was so friggin' hilarious, I read it out loud to the son. Then, it started snowing in Seattle (!!!), so I ran outside to play with the dogs in the snow.
While I was gone, the son jacks my computer and starts chatting with Evil-G! When I asked him for the computer, he actually said, "No way, he's my friend now,"
Long story short, the son later told me, "Yeah, see, better to let me drink at home, like while putting up a Christmas tree, so I don't get curious about it and get drunk at some party when I'm older."
Thanks, Tony. Love you, baby.
PS: See? You should definitely publish a book of your childhood memoirs -- the other bloggers think so too, and there's that whole wisdom in numbers thing. Do it.
Cowbell: What can I tell you, I have a gift. As for the Male Offspring, definitely try and leverage the whole thing to your advantage. Someone's got to help get that tree up after all.
as the Beast often tells the youngest "son, there are times in a man's life when he's just got to shut up and back away. And they always involve your mother."
A volume of short stories if you please sir! Has the microwave door been mounted and framed yet? With a nice little brass plaque and a spot light..
Doralong: I've yet to figure out if mothers are irresistible forces or immovable objects. Whatever the are, they are a force of nature to be reckoned with.
As for the microwave, I am a New Englander (i.e. cheapskate) and I probably won't finally retire it until it does something definite, like burst into flames while I'm heating a mug of water for tea. "Still plenty of good use in it" as we say here in the northeast. It will however get some form of recognition for all those years of service.
Ah. Your mother's insane. I think I like her... preferably, from a distance.
Wonderful story. I needed that.
Zeph: Trust me, best enjoyed from a distance. Glad you enjoyed.
That was one fantastic story, and you couldn't have told it better. I especially liked the part about mom giving you booze.
JP: Over the years gin helped smooth out many of the rough spots in my life.
You really must publish these stories! Exactly how many lives did Boots have? I remember him from my childhood visits up there...
The Niece: We had that cat for 20 years. He really did play a huge part in family legend, didn't he?
What a great Christmas story; your mother sounds like one of God's natural characters (and that is meant as a compliment.) And sounds like her son may have inherited some of what she's got (and that's a compliment too!)
Willym: Our entire family is nothing if not colorful. Hopefully, I will be able to dredge up some other really swell family memories to share with you all, though I do run into the problem of convincing people that you just can't make this stuff up.
I never laughed so hard --- having behaved exactly like Doris on many Christmas'! So much so that one year I had the husband take the tree down and put it back on the car to reside in a different home so I could then have the tree I actually wanted replace it(no punny tree for us!!!!).
And I'm with the niece - publish these - there's your new career!!
Michele: I can see you now telling him to get that scrawny looking tree down! I'll bet anything you had the nicest tree on the block.
That being said, at the age of 14, a cocktail in the hand was worth an asskicking in the future, and with any luck would help to, at least metaphorically, soften the blow.
that is so marvelous. i can't even imagine such a thing ~ cocktail in hand, poured by a parent. and it's hard to believe, reading this tale, that you are actually a yankee because, honey, this is classic southern gothic.
i laughed my ass off (a good thing because tater had me boo hooing a few minutes ago) at the prospect of managing the monstrous tree. it echoed, of course, my own childhood experiences with monstrous trees and so was hysterical and sweetly touching as well.
you are a magnificent writer, pumpkin. keep it up. loved this, loved this piece. oh, and this: Being a little fairy, I really didn't mind. how sweet and completely precious.
Belle: You can't forget that Vermont is part of the Appalachian chain. They can be just as inbred and drama oriented as anyone.
Now that I think about it- this could make a pretty swell song you know, à la Alice's Restaurant.. Doris, the boy and the big ass tree..
Doralong: I will trust your musical skills to come up with something appropriate. Until then, I have Dwight Yoakam singing "Santa Can't Stay" running through my head.
This was _epic_. Holy crap.
Alexander: Mom has some larger than life aspects. I will have to record some of the other things she dragged me into as a child.
Now this would make a great holiday TV special. I'd watch it again and again.
Your mom is definitely larger than life and your stories about her should certainly be compiled. Put me on the list for a signed copy of the first edition. And when you walk tater into submission and sit him down for story time...call me.
YES! I'm with Rodger -- this would be a smash hit, a lá "A Christmas Story".
Everyone seems to have these cool, effed up holiday stories. I however, have none.
What a GREAT story; it made my morning! Thanks for sharing that!
Alexander: Glad I could oblige.
Loved that story. My mother was too conventional (boring) to do anything that exciting for Christmas. I think, however, that my children will have similarly wild stories to tell about their mother. I try, anyway!
Java: Yeah, Mom always kept things interesting.
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