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EW. A thousand times ew. You're going to need to change the name of your blog to warn those of us with weak constitutions if you keep this kind of thing up.
I gag when the cat eats his own yak. I am so not cut out for toddlers.
EW! He slept in the maggots? Er, baby flies? Oh how gross. I have never loved like that, and I hope I never do.
Gross baby story:
In late 1992, my five month old baby and I lived in a teeny tiny apartment. He often slept in bed with me. One sunny morning, I awoke to find that he wasn't in the bed. I called, "Sweetie? Honey? Puppydog? Where are you?" as I searched under the bed, under his crib, in the living area, and all over. I started yelling for him. At this point, I was turning to go look in the bathroom, when he crawled out of it, holding what could only be cat shit from the litter box. Then I saw his face. He was grinning from ear to ear, with the entire lower half of his face smeared with shit, giving him the appearance of a very small, pudgy, bearded man -- and he was chewing it. Chewing the cat shit. CHEWING IT. It was deeply embedded in all of his teeth.
So, I did what every mature, put together, unfazed mom does. I screamed bloody murder while I frantically scoo
I was cut off! How rude!
Where was I? Oh yes.
I screamed bloody murder while I frantically scooped him up and threw him in the tub. Screaming and screaming. He giggled.
Neighbors in my complex knocked on the door and asked if everything was all right. I yelled, "Baby ate cat poop! Baby ate cat poop! Baby ate cat poop!" which seemed to satisfy the growing group of rubber-neckers who then simply murmured outside my door, waiting for an update.
The nurse hotline told me to wash him well and flush him with fluids. A neighbor gave me a gallon of koolaid since we couldn't find anything else that Baby would drink quite enough of to satisfy me. I also gave him baby vitamins, thinking that they might counteract... something.
He lived. He lived to smear diaper shit on the walls and bars of his crib. He lived to eat dog crap after he started walking. He lived to fart on his sister's head. He lived to make poop animations on an old MarioPaint setup we bought used. He lived to te
He lived to tell "Gotcha where I want ya, now I'm gonna eat ya" jokes. In short, he lived from infancy to, so far, age 11, and every age in between.
All I can say is, two children is enough!
** apparently that story was too long!
My reaction is more a feeling of pity than disgust. Poor guy. How pathetic and sad.
(the guy with dead wife. not the little guy eating cat vomit!)
The grossest thing I can think of either of my kids doing was the time one of them sat up in bed, leaned over, and vomitted straight down the heat duct through the vent in the floor.
oh god. And I thought the thread in my comments last week about children puking was horrorific....this tops them all.
Going to....lie down now....
Oh. My. God.
Sheeit... I have a maggot story that I was going to post after reading the roach story, but now it would just be anticlimactic... :P
so okay, i found your blog kinda recently and i read it because it's good and i'm reading it just now while chatting with my girlfriend, who has cats (but no kid); i have a 3yo kid and a cat. luckily my kid has never played with poop or eaten vomit or anything, because i would die.
so anyway, i'm chatting with this friend, and i paste into our chat the three paragraphs about the kid eating cat puke b/c they're hilarious, and i tell her to go read the blog and she does while i, too, keep reaading down. and then i get to the end of the maggot story and
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
OH GOD
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
i need to go lie down now.
a rose for emily is my favorite faulkner story. but it would have been better w/maggots in it.
Okay, see, this is why I have only one child. One child who has not vomited into any air ducts or eaten any vomit (her own or any animal's). One child who's never played with poo (again, hers or any animal's). One child who sleeps, like, 12 hours a night, since infancy. Who's never sick. This is why we can't ever have any more, either, because we'd be totally, royally fucked.
On the rare occasions that she does vomit, though, it tends to come out her nose! Does that count?
And I love namlet, but probably not enough to sleep next to his rotting, maggot-ridden corpse. Sorry.
flea, if you keep breaking my heart like this I'm going to have to stop reading your blog.
Portia I vomit out my nose too. I don't know if I always have, but I think I always will. Its really really gross because it smells and burns, oh lord how it BURNS the sensitive bits.
I also tend to have liquids come out my nose if I try swallow with my head tilted forward, just a heads up in case its related.
Holy shit! I thought the roach story was gross beyond gross. The maggot man blows that one out of the water.
And kids eating cat puke. Ack. I freak when the dog eats cat poop or puke. I can't even imagine an actual human being doing that...and then having to clean up the aftermath.
No tilting head forward while drinking for lp, check. Thanks, Ananke; I now know never to recommend that as a hiccup-cure.
Really, I think the vomiting thing is just because she's surprised by it, so she kind of sneezes. Breaks my heart every time, though.
You know, If you'd all read your Faulkner like Mykull did, you'd have known where that story was going.
Thanks for sharing that disgusting story, Tishie! WTF is it about poop that some kids find so appealing?!? Jeez!
Yeow, that's gross.
I have a couplea things to add, I guess.
When Jimmy was about two or so, I had taken his diaper off to ready him for a bath. He then promptly shit on the carpet in the open linen closet. I went to get something from the kitchen to clean it up and when I returned, Mutley, our dog, was licking his chops and the shit was gone. Lovely.
Some time before that, Jimmy discovered his little turds. I'd go in to get him from his crib in the morning and inadvertantly step on something cold and squishy. Looked down and found several round little turds the same color as his carpet, surrounding his crib. He had been playing bombadier.
It was right around that time he stopped liking raisins, and actually got a rather startled look on his face when I offered them to him. I guess he wasn't just *throwing* the little poop pellets, but had been eating them, too.
He'd be so thrilled to know I'm telling you all this, given that he's 22 now... :-D
I so need to make Nova read this. He wants kids, and wants look after them but I just can't see him handling poopeating. Or vomit-eating. *shudder*
Portia - my mum thinks its because I got a lot of nosebleeds as a child and something back there is weakened so the seperation between mouth, throat and nose isn't as good as it should be. Which means I once vomited a pineapple chunk out of my nose. I still can't htink about it too hard.
Tina, that's just too funny. You should sneak him raisin presents for the rest of his life. :D
And ananke, I was really afraid it was something like that; she does get regular nosebleeds. Oh, dear. Well, at least she refuses to eat pineapple, that's a bonus.
well, the nosebleeds do go away. If you remember the nose-cautery story on the Warbird DON'T EVER PUT HER THROUGH THAT!!! I'm never doing it again. It was horrible. But apart form more nosebleeds than normal, the vomiting and drinking thing, I don't really know any other side effects.
I only found out the head tipping forward thing after, uh, going down on Nova. Semen coming out ones nose is really really unpleasant. Almost as bad as vomit.
I just...I can't...there aren't words. Wow. Everything I want to say is a horrible double entendre. "That sucks"? No way. "Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor"? Ew. Wow appears to be the only safe thing to say.
I have been directing my friends towards this blog for a while, since it is one of the best blogs that I read, but these past entries (and the comments that follow) have made me resolve to MAKE my friends read it.
Most hilariously gross blog ever.
I agree about the new comments section, Princess! Now we can all see that roaches and milk jug urine are nothing compared to semen in your nose!
laugh it up, I know I know.
Its sticky more than anything.
I had no idea eating and playing with poop was so common. Judging by the number of people with kids who have have eaten poo commenting on this blog alone, it is very common. This makes me wonder how many of my friends ate their own poo as a kid. Shiver.
Poor old man. Sniffle. How sad. 
That "frown" looks angry!?
I am afraid to have children. Thanks flea! :-p
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