Comments Lounge
"I don't think there's Something Wrong with him. And I don't think I want the public school system of Suburban Hell thinking there's Something Wrong with him in perpetuity, either."
The world needs more people to think this way. I was pretty much crying when i read your entry today. My mum and i have had bad issues, but at the end of the day i was still saved from being a complete fuck-up by the fact that she had some vestige of this idea when faced with the 'Something Wrong With Your Kid' stuff in major doses. (remind me to blog the letters from school sometime...)
I'm not saying it's easy, but you're doing the right thing and Alex seems to be turning out ok as a result. So hang in there.
Thanks, Nella. That was hard to write.
{{{flea}}} Go woman!!!!
I always knew you were a great Mom. And now I have a blog entry to look at every time to prove it.
I wish you lots of luck with the whole SID thing... my mom is a special needs teacher, so I know what it's like in public school ('sides my own issues with hearing and ADD).
You are a great Mom.
One of the hardest things to do as a parent is to listen to your own instincts. You keep doing what you know is best for you and your family and screw anyone who says otherwise.
You love him, and you support him. He has everything he needs.
And mine takes m & m's instead of hugs.
I don't have children. I'm not married. I don't work in a shop. I've been in a sex-toy shop once in my life, about 25 years ago.
I love your blog.
As someone else raised by a mother who would not take the Something Wrong With Your Child spiel from a public school, who had me see the school psychologist once a week through most of grade three because it would at least give me some time away from the teacher who was ruining my life (and who still, over a decade later, seethes at the mention of that teacher's name), who put me in a special, private high school because she knew I would never graduate if I went to public school, I say *thank you* from the bottom of my heart. To every parent who doesn't listen to The System's experts... Thank you.
Oh Flea, This entry was awesome!
I think you were chosen to be Alex's mommy AND Alex was chosen to be your son because Somebody *knew* you were the perfect fit!
Alex needed someone to accept him as he IS. To love him no matter what. (Even when you're having a "Joan Crawford moment".)
You needed someone you could be yourself with. Who you could develop your own parenting style with and would love you right back. And most importantly, who wouldn't care if you were THE PERFECT PARENT. Ever. (Is there really such a thing? Not in my little corner of the world.)
As far as the rest of the world...? You have a network of people who support you 100%. Keep them close. They will help you get through those really bad days.
The ones who do nothing but critisize you or your parenting skills? Tell 'em to piss off!
You ROCK, Flea!
(Steve, you too.)
That should be "formerly known as Sascha." What's a Sasc? Heck if I know!
Sheesh!
[grin]
>sniff<
That was the sweetest three-part love letter I've ever read.
You sound like the best mom *ever*. Partly because you are flexible, but also partly because you do fall apart, and so Alex (and baby Christopher) is learning that passion and emotion are normal, healthy, and they do happen to everyone.
Rock on with your bad self, girlfriend!
so sweet! thanks for sharing. i don't have children to deal with yet, but i agree on your views of public school from having been tehre myself. also, it's great how you're handling SID. these things never really go away. my boyfriend has ADD, and has always had it, and probably will always have it. but we deal, and you will too
Oh, sweet Christ! I want you to be *my* mom! I don't care that we're probably the same age!
How many fewer problems would I have had? Oh, so many fewer. Many, many. Alex is so lucky to have you on his side.
(Mentally flinging picture of old Mom away, and drawing picture of new, cooler mom.)
I'm just in awe. That was a beautiful conclusion to your three-part story. You are an amazing writer. And an amazing mom.
(I have a 10-year-old boy and a not-quite-13-year-old girl, and the "liberal hippie feminist shithead" parenting style has worked ok so far for me.) 
Oh, Flea. That was wonderful.
Give Alex another hug from me, if he'll let you.
Wow. I found this fascinating because from the time my little girl was a baby it was ME that kept insisting that there was SOMETHING WRONG with her.
She had many of the same issues as Alex, except she was quiet and well behaved so, unlike Alex, no experts felt there was anything wrong.
I kept insisting that there was indeed something wrong.
And guess what, she was diagnosed, FINALLY with Sensory Intergration Disorder. And we went thru the brushing which I thought was the STUPIDEST THING I HAD EVER HEARD OF, until it turned out that it actually worked!
Today she is an amazing happy smart 7 year old.
Good Luck to you and to Alex.
Wow...that's just...you're...wow. Thank you for taking the time to share that whole story. Alex is a very lucky little boy.
Wow. I have so much to say but I'm not going to be very good at saying it... I have ADD. My four siblings have ADD. My parents have ADD. I had the best, most amazing, most supportive parents at home when I was growing up. I would have had the happiest childhood imagineable if they only had the guts to qustion the educational system. Instead I had the worst. I was a depressed, suicidal child, because I knew somthing was wrong with me.
You're a very brave Mom Flea. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I have ADD, too, and have had it since I was a kid, although it wasn't diagnosed until I was 16, so my school experiences were fairly uniformly sucky and demoralizing. My mom, my sister, and a bunch of my extended family have ADHD, which we all found out about at the same time. Since I wasn't hyper or defiant, my mother just always assumed There Was Something Seriously Wrong with me, and no, she didn't take my side, she took the side of the authority figures at school telling her I was Seriously Flawed. My own Godawful Teacher From Hell died a few years ago, but I still can't hear his name without feeling rage at what he was allowed to do to my feelings of self-worth, with my mother's implicit encouragement.
Flea, you rock. I wish you were my mom, and I think I'm older than you. (38 next month.)
There is nothing better in the world than a parent who backs up their child in the face of school. My Mom did the same thing in 4th grade when I was labeled stupid. Reality, I had a hearing problem and couldn't hear the instructions. So I did my own thing with the work sheet. But because I didn't do what the teacher wanted, I was stupid. My mom knew better and got me tested.
Even though my mom and I had some hard times (and probably still will), I won't forget how she saved me. She refused to let the school label me as dumb, got me into the better classes, got me a seat up front right at the teacher.
Reading your blog last night reminded me of all the things that my mother did. I also have ADD, yet we didn't realize it until my senior year of college, when all my tricks pretty much failed. But until that point, my mother had given me such structure that even had we known, it probably wouldn't have changed much.
Anyway... this is getting just way too long...
Alex will remember this, he will know what you've done. And he will thank you. Probably not until he's 20 and been out in the world and sees what happens to those who fall into the system trap. But I know he will. Cuz I did.
In fact, I think I'll call my mom tonight and thank her again. I know she got a lot of shit for what she did ("what do preschool teachers know about middle school problems??" "I know my daughter is NOT dumb, I know that much!")
hmm, lost the middle of my post ...
My mom is part of the system, she is a special needs preschool teacher. But it is without bias I say that she is also beyond the system. I know of no one else who kills herself over her students, making sure that they are accurate diagnose. She refuses to take kids who don't have a problem just because some one else has labeled the child. She goes to bat for the kids that do have problems that the system wants to brush over as normal when they need help, and are asking for it.
Would you mind adopting me? I'm not as cute as your kids, and a bit on the old side, but I support myself, live by myself, do my own laundry, am quite polite, and when you grow into an old lady I'll come visit you if my old body allows...
Great writing. As always.
Thanks, Flea--I have to tell you, as soon as you started telling the part about sensory overload, I knew where you were going with your previous parts to the story, and I also have to tell you that it's pretty cool that your experiences help you better understand what Alex is experiencing (and kind of funny, too). Plus it sounds like you're doing a great job with your kids.
Thanks for taking the time and emotional energy to share this story with us.
I hate it that that teacher's name was Terri. Hate. It.
I think you're great, LA. But you knew that.
You're a great mom. I know I've said it before, but you're a wonderful parent.
I'm also fond of your love of them (us) queers.
Flea, you *are* a great mom, and don't let any snippy preschool bitch insinuate otherwise.
My son Jacob was diagnosed with an 18-month speech delay and suspected SID when he was 2 1/2. He did speech therapy, but improved exponentially at preschool. The teachers were loving and patient, and he was kind of a pet because he was the youngest kid in his class. He used to completely freak when we had to wash his hair, and throw tantrums when he was unable to communicate.
Now Jake is four, and I can wash his hair. He even loves having his back rubbed or scratched when he lays down to nap. And when he crawls into bed next to me to snuggle, or sits reading his baby brother a book, I know God's in his heaven and all's right with the world.
Best wishes,
JT
oh flea!
*Feels her heart swell up all huge like it's just gonna pop* That was just...wonderful. Like others have commented before me, I just wanna say -- don't ever listen to anyone who says you're a bad mom. For you to have stood by him in the face of all those people, defending him for so long 'til someone finally -listened-, well, to me, that kind of love is a huge part of the definition of what a good mom -is-.
Bwah!
(sniffle)
Thought I was done with the hormones. Apparently not.
Everybody else has pretty much covered the thank-you-for-being-a-good-mom aspect, so I'll just express my boundless fucking outrage that you are paying for Alex's therapy out-of-pocket while all of us send Shrub $$ to buy more smart bombs and Blackwater death squads. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuugh.
Oh, and you make me glad that I passed on the LSD in my wild youth. Doesn't sound like my kind of thing.
Bravo!!!! Alex and Christopher have a special mommy. After reading the above comments, it sounds like others have their own special mommy too, even me. Each kid needs different things. There isn't a cookie cutter way of treating all kids. Special mom's understand that and do what is right for their kid(s).
You're doing great!! In a few years Alex and Christopher will tell you that themselves.
Once again, I am blown away by your writing. And you are a great mom. I can't tell you the number of times people have said,"boy, if that was my kid, I'd kill him." I have started responding, "Oh Really, then what do you do the next day? And the day after that? Because "killing him" DOESN'T WORK!!"
Keep lovin that boy, and listening to your own instincts.
I absolutely have to add to the love fest goin' on in here, so pardon the redundancy. BUT. Your post was overwhelmingly touching. I don't have kids, I can't have kids, I've never particularly wanted kids... but having read about your tenacity to do WHATEVER it took to support your son, well... I'm pert near speechless and wondering if there is something missing in my life. Anyhoo, Flea, that was an incredible story of the one true thing in the world: unconditional love. Thanks.
Hot DAMN, that was good.
Wow, wow, wow. I wish I'd read this sooner, so I weren't stuck repeating everyone else's comments, but, again, WOW.
I work for a non-profit that provides therapy, preschool, social work, and medical supervision for little kids with special needs, most under age 3. We have a lot of kids with SID, with feeding issues, autism, etc. It's so amazing how quickly kids can learn and change at such a young age. I just work in the office, but the stories I hear, and the changes I can see for myself in some of the kids--it just amazes me.
Someone dear to me was a smart but really hyper little kid, and his mom just gave up on him. She told him he was a maniac and a monster, and wrote him off as a loser. I wish, I wish, I wish he'd had an advocate like you.
Thank you for sharing this story with us. I was all weepy at the end, but euphoric too--I just wanted to stand up and cheer for your family.
thanks. i'm not sure i can put into words what i feel right now. but i know that it's good. this blog is amazing. i guess it shows that love transcends all things -- the circumstances may be different (kids, no kids, sex shop, no sex shop) -- but the essence is the same. wanting to be loved. needing to be held. wanting someone to be on your side.
thanks so much.
love,
Great post written by a great mom.
you're amazing. =)
your writing is wonderful... i've been hanging on the edge of my chair between each chapter...
and i love the end result. just as everyone else said - you're a great mother!
I'm so glad to hear that Alex is coming along so nicely. I cried reading this, and love your blog. I only live a few blocks from your store, and one of these days, i'm going to come in and give you a big hug. You make me laugh on a regular basis, and you're someone I would love to know in real life. Hang in there, flea. You're doing great. I hope when I have kids that I'm half as good a mom as you.
The brush thing kind of reminds me of a trick used to get rabbits used to being handled! Guess its the same principle...
I don't know how you managed to refrain from killing her, preggo or not. She should not be in child care. Makes you hate people. 
Your child sounds like all 4 of mine.
Oh, flea, you *so* rawk. Wow. Just... wow. What else can I say that hasn't already been said?
JJ
What everyone said. - You rock!
Hey there,
You know that I don't normally respond but I have to...DON'T EVER DOUBT YOURSELF. You instincts are always right on with everthing. I really hate it when other people make one doubt themselves when YOU have a better handle on the truth. Stick with your instincts, they will get you MUCH farther than the person with a 2 second degee in classwork child psychology. You are the best, don't forget that! If more Mothers were as coscious as you, this world would defintiely be a better place, babe! I love you!
this sounds alot like my aspergers, except that took 6 shrinks and 10 drugs before any one even found it, and they found it b/c of a nervous breakdown requiring hospitalaztion @ 14.
and yr a fanfuckingtastic mother
You know, spanking kids consistently rather than seeking causes for what's clearly not normal child behavior seems to me to be another, slightly more subtle, form of bigotry, like saying, "You need to be shown your place, child, and that place is doing what *pleases me.* You're obviously not enough of a human being to have your own issues going on that might be causing this."
It's not always, of course. But when odd behavior continues to the point where it's obviously much more than just an active, mischievous child, and when the child's parent flat-out refuses, even when confronted with the possibility, to consider that the child's bad behavior might have a cause other than the child just being bad... that sounds like a prejudice, to me.
I guess I'm saying that maybe it will help to think of all of those people complaining to you about doing the smart thing as bigoted. The same kind of bigoted that comes into your store and interrupts your serving a customer to offer to fix your shelves because that's what Christian men do. You seem to be able to laugh at this latter group and ignore them. Maybe you could ignore and laugh at these anti-smart-thing people, too, and that might make it easier to deal with.
Flea-
You rock. Alex is SO lucky to have you for a mom, and I have to say, as someone who worked in the educational field for a while, I'd take you and your parenting skills over any over- bearing, over immersed, over-regimenting Nazi-mommy any old day of the week.
Alex is going to grow up with a Mom that he knows cares about him and is in his corner, but is her own person. Thus he'll learn to think for himself, follow his own heart and know he can love other people while still loving and being himself.
This is probably hard to believe, but I'm so overwhelmed by your kindness that I don't know what to say in response. Just - thanks.
This was a beautifully written account of your travails with your boy and the educational system. I've been there a little bit myself and the jerky assistant teacher in my son's preschool gave me a big sigh and a poor you look as she described his irrtitating problems to me on the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!! Fortunately, the real teacher was sane and my beautiful boy has been progressing mightily ever since. Stand firm and don't make me cry anymore...oh,ok go ahead.
Life has been hard for our daughter too (SID and borderline Aspergers and anxiety problems), and I know a lot of parents wondered "why in the world are they letting her get away with that". I now try to never question the parenting of other people's kids, 'cause I don't know the whole story.
I do have some words of praise for our public school system. She had supportive and flexible teachers during elementary school (letting hide under her desk until she got under control for instance). And now in high school she has been in the most wonderful program (recommended by the school counselor) that has supported and encouraged her and helped her grow. So it CAN work if you are lucky. I do have to say we went to them with professional assessments we paid for ourselves - money well spent!
Umm, is there some way we can help? Maybe with the headphones or something? Does Crutchfield have the kind you need? Are other readers interested in helping out on this?
Kudos to you for standing up for your kid, and what you knew in your heart was the right thing.
Unfortunately, it's sad that for every parent like you, there are probably several others who will work just as hard to find SOMEONE who will tell them that there IS Something Wrong with their child and that popping some pills into their spawn will solve everything.
I am grateful that I have never had to deal with such problems myself, and thankful for those like you who don't settle for the easy answers.
True story:
I was waiting for the bus one morning, long before I had a child. In the group were a father who was clearly taking his son in for an unscheduled no-babysitter day at work and another man. This was the suburbs, so it wasn't really a line, and there was a whole parking lot for this "handful" of a boy to play in.
And play he did. Involving some running and jumping, some screaming and throwing stuff. Perhaps a bit much for the early morning commuter crowd, but nothing (I thought) over the top.
The boy started shouting something rude (about snot, as I recall). At which the not-father turned to the father, and commented that he (the not-father) wouldn't let his child be so rude, and would have already spanked him and made him stand quietly in line.
The father (surprising me) seemed to take this seriously. Gave it some thought. Turned and asked, "So you think I should teach him that rudeness gets a spanking?"
(Can you see where this is going. Everyone on line except the patsy could see where this was going. It was no less glorious.)
"Yes, I think that's about right."
"Oh." And the father called the son over to him. Even putting some stern tones into his voice.
"[Son's Name], I think I have a very important lesson for you."
And then the father reached around and spanked (lightly) the obnoxious not-father, twice: pitch patch.
The whole line lost it. The obnoxious guy turned colors and sputtered, and the son, confused, looked around.
Then the bus came.
I remember thinking it then, and I still think it now:
Always back up your kid. They've got the whole world to dump on them if they need it.
Good Job Flea.
--FrumDad
(google wangle: Orthodox Jewish Father)
FrumDad, that is an *awesome* story! Thanks for sharing it!
I've known for ages that The System's "experts" were really more concerned with their own comfort levels than with actually helping any children. Too many children are doped up on Ritalin to make the TEACHERs and the ADMINISTRATORs feel more comfortable.
I've also known for ages from reading your blog that you're a great mom, but sometimes you need reminding. 
Thanks, Trish. And thanks again for answering my questions about your own struggles with your son and the school system. I want to make a tee-shirt - Boys need recess, not Ritalin!
It's amazing how connections weave together into inspiration. I have a friend who told me about a blog. From that blog, I found another, and from that one, yours.
Your description of Alex pre-OT is almost exactly like my son.
The thing is, I had never heard of SID before yesterday. Occupational Therapy, yes. Brushing, yes. But all those things that make up SID and sound my my son? No.
All along, he's been doing things for himself that help. My Mom discovered her grandson loved the same thing she did: footrubs by the hour.
Yesterday was a bolt from the blue.
Thanks for what were probably hours writing that down. You and Alex made a difference.
Oh yeah: the stupid preschool: we JUST had a problem like that with Sunday school. It's been solved since, but when I first heard about it, I just cried with rage and hate.
I can relate to wanting to break a bat over someone's face.
The next Sunday, we had a helper (the minister's wife), and things were better.
I found out the Sunday before my boy had isolated himself in the bathroom, and the teachers were content to leave him there.
Until he found the circuit breaker box. Ha ha.
Lea - is your son obsessed with light switches? Alex is, although he's better than he used to be. We used to not be able to keep him away from them, at home or at school, and every time he was around the room turned into the last scene from Looking for Mr. Goodbar. On/off/on/off/on/off. Drove people nuts.
Hahaha!
My son's not as bad as he used to be. The lights he will always try to switch off are florescents. Hates them. (He was diagnosed with scototopic sensitivity. Means Florescents suck, that he'll adjust the tv controls as suits him.)
And what he turned off were the circuit breakers, meaning, the whole damn building. Eeeeeoyooooooo.
Serves them right. I can almost guarantee someone said, "He can't do anything in there."
My God, why the hell haven't I been reading your blog?
The story is amazing. The writing is amazing. You and your family are amazing.
Rock on, woman.
I stumbled across the blog randomly but I consider it a great find. So many people look for a big label to blame everything on, on of the reasons I started studying Psychology was to help fix that. They tried to diagnose my cousin with ADHD when she was 6 or 7 because she didn't want to settle down and work on homework. What 6-7 yr' old wants to sit around and do homework? I'm so glad my Aunt disregarded that because now that my cousin is a bit older shes like any other kid her age, just like she was before. I also worked with an autistic child who needed a similar sensory workout that your son uses. It was great working with him. You sound like a great mom and Alex is a very lucky boy.
this is brilliant. i'm a newish reader, by the way. i played follow-the-links a couple months ago and landed here.
i deeply admire that you pushed, that you refused to accept that there was something wrong when you knew it was something different, and that when someone finally saw what that difference was you were able to recognize it as truth. you sound like a very supportive and capable mother, and also a relatively sane one.
take care. i'll keep reading, if you don't mind.
I read a post on a livejournal community today where a woman was talking about how she'd gotten flak because her kid wasn't potty trained yet. I passed on a link to your blog. (See the URL attached here.)
Your information is reaching more and more people. Thanks again for sharing it with us.
I know exactly what you are going through. My daughter has, well, sometimes it is called Autism, sometimes we get the SID thing, sometimes we get the cop-out diagnosis PDD, all lots of fun. I was also concerned about the stigma of the labels- made even worse by the system FORCING me to label my child so that she could get the help that she needs!
(cont'd)
(part 2)
My argument at the time was something like this - 'if the leaves fall off my cherry tree in my front yard in the fall, and I panic, and dance around the tree all winter to propitate the gods, and sure enough, the tree blooms in the spring, does that mean it was the dancing?' And that is all well and good, but what if the dancing was actually something that cost you something- like being labelled as Autistic. So I resisted it for a long time. I got over this when it became perfectly clear that Ursula did indeed need something. And I also wondered if I was resisting my child being 'labelled' because it reflected on me. And I didn't want that.
Anyhow, wishing the best for you and your family. Apologies for the long-winded comment.
Thanks, Krup, Kate, and Sundre!
SargonZ, I'm off to check out your LJ community now. Thanks for the link!
Keith, No apology necessary, and I totally hear you about being afraid of labels. On one hand, I was terrified of labelling him for the reasons you gave, but on the other hand, I sort of *wanted* him to be labelled, so I could have some sort of plan of action, to *do* something that would give positive results that would help him integrate better with his peers.
The hardest thing has been trying to figure out what is his SID and what is just goofy kid stuff.
It gets better. They get better. It gets easier, I promise.
Oh, and those people who tell you to pop him one? Good time to practice your Charles Manson stare.
The Da Vinci Crock
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...shit, thought i was commenting in another window.
that said, you're a credit to the whole parenting thing.
I think this is the first time I've commented on your blog, but I read it regularly. This was an amazing entry. My little brother (who is a good eight years younger than I am and is now almost 13) was diagnosed with SID when he was about 5 or 6, and after a lot of treatment and therapy, he is doing so well. And my parents are way worse than you, so I'm sure Alex is going to be fine.
Thank you for writing this.
Thanks!
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Hi
I was linked her by a reader-fan of yours when I posted that I'm having my son evaluated for SID. I just wanted to let you know that it was great to read this and your blog is wonderful. Especially being a semi-neo-hippie-poseur myself.
My son, if SID is what he has, is only mildly affected, making him seem more along the lines of weird and annoying rather than hyper or especially difficult, but I definitely saw glimmers of my experience in yours.
I hope all is going well with everything.
Thank you.
I loved reading this. found you at bluemilk.
I never read people's blogs - especially random stranger blogs but I love this. I have a 5 year old boy who sounds a LOT like yours, and we recently started a montessori school - I also thought it was the perfect fit. Not so much. Turns out they don't like "unsettled" children. Unsettled is the nice way of saying my kid's a bull in a china shop in the calm, peaceful land of montessori. I am considering pulling him out. We have a meeting to discuss the teacher's "neutral observations" this week. WTF? Whatever, he's not a good fit, fine. Just tell me that - spare me the gentle passive agressive beating please.
Anyway - thanks for writing it - thanks for sharing it.
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