Comments Lounge
Holy mother of... well, no need to deface your blog with the creative words I can think of.
To teach him a lesson, huh? Because the Christian God frequently set fire to things to teach those he loved a lesson. Has this woman ever picked up a bible? That's up there with "let your baby cry for three hours because Jesus cried for his father on the cross so it's only fair." (loosely quoted from a fundamentalist written book about getting your 4 week old baby to sleep through the night).
I spank, but only for (a) hurting other people on purpose and (b) doing something deliberately dangerous.
I also smack hands for repeated offenses. I also don't have the challenge you face with a behavioural disability.
I know it's not everyones parenting style, but I'm going to stop feeling guilty now, because obviously I don't fall onto the scale of cruelty and insanity of Ms. Welchel.
You write so beautifully, flea. Your description of what that blanket means, and will mean, to Alex almost had me in tears.
I have something like that blanket. It's a stuffed bunny. His name is Easter. I've always kept him in my bed, although years have gone by when I haven't slept holding him. Ever since I broke up with my SO of two years last November, I've falled asleep with my arms wrapped around Easter every night. It would have been so much harder if I hadn't had him to go back to. I'm so glad my parents understood, like you do, what those things can mean to a child, and would never have considered taking him away from me. No matter how many times he was exposed to chickenpox, or lice, or whooping cough, or god knows whatever other ickies I've had, they always found a solution that resulted in him sticking around.
My brother had a blanket like that. My parents ended up cutting it into quarters so that there would always be a spare during car trips or when one was being washed.
I want to drag That Woman across a street by HER hair. What a sicko.
Thanks for the righteous rant, flea!
Rana
$10 says her kids end up torturing small animals and/or pyromaniacs.
Why is that the majority of whack jobs that claim to be "Christian fundamentalists" typically are not a true reflection of Christianity in its fundamental forms? Seriously people, give it up! Instead of claiming you have exclusive dibs on the bat phone to Christ, why don't you try being more Christ-like instead?
i really enjoy reading youe column. anyway, keep up the positive parenting. it only gets harder the older they get.
Totally unrelated (other than to say I adore your blog and get all antsy between updates), but your RSS feed does not appear to be working. Seems there's a parsing error of some kind. Thought you should know. *slinks back into lurkerdom*
See, I alway thought I was a really mean mother because I don't even feel bad that I get to make the rules but not my kid. Hey, as my mom used to say "rank has its privleges". But I am mean by saying things like "Pick up your clothes from the floor and I MEAN NOW" without negotiating whether this is a good time for them to do so.
BUT hit them or (OMG WHAT is wrong with some people) put hot sauce on their tounges like I'm running some mini torture chamber. I think really NOT.
My youngest (2yrs.) aslo likes to unbuckle either his carseat harness or sometimes his whole entire seat from from the actual seatbelt. If he's not catapulting himself around, he will usually unbuckle his brother's (age 3 and just had his 1st day of pre-school!!!) carseat and get him screaming. Both my boys aslo have blankets which they have named B. Just the letter B, don't ask me why...it makes them happy. These B's get get dirty when my 2yr. old insists that he must have it to play in that pile of mud outside, or instead of getting a tissue, poor old B becomes his hankie. It would be so heart wrenching to just have B not exist. I say let them keep thier blankets until they are ready to not need them anymore. How about we all have a book burning for Lisa and she how she likes being disciplined!! Keep writing Flea....I have you on my favorites list and check your blog daily.
Isn't she the one who used to flip her blonde mane around all the time on that show? What if her mum had yanked it out by the handful to get her to cross the street or pay attention or whatever? Or burned her scripts? There goes her "career" and whatever celebrity she may enjoy. People like her are downright frightening -- like I say, just because you CAN reproduce doesn't mean you SHOULD.
There but for the grace of God.
There is nothing developmentally abnormal about lp. She has always been able to accept reasoned answers and negotiated endings to standoffs. I have never experienced a time when That Tone didn't do its work. All of my moments of failure as a parent are a result of MY inability to deal with a child. It's another reason I don't have, and probably won't have, more children.
I have the feeling that Whelchel's questionable sanity would not withstand such self-scrutiny, and I pity her soul.
I agree with a previous post that Lisa Whelchel's poor children are going to grow up to at the very least hate their parents, if not to heap abuse on their own children and/or pick off strangers from the nearest clock tower.
On the blankie front... Jake had Bunny, who as it turns out was a stuffed dog (hey, I was sleep-deprived). He fell asleep clutching Bunny every single night for a year. When Jake was about 18 months old, we lost Bunny. I called the store where Bunny had been purchased, but no more Bunnies. I went online, wrote the company... Bunny was gone. I was heartbroken.
Six months later, I was unfolding a pop-up cube and found Bunny lying inside. Jacob was uninterested, but you can bet this very happy mommy tucked Bunny carefully away for safekeeping.
P.S. Danny, my youngest, has Blankie. We have four, count' em, four, backups. And if I have my way, I'm saving all of them.
Thanks for saying it so well. In our neighborhood people prefer bacterial soap over hot sauce. The technique apparently is to not just put a little sauce on the tounge, but tip your child's head backwards and fill up their mouth. Yeah, that'll teach them what heartless bitches you are!
Anyway, I've been meaning to write for a looong time and say THANK you so much for sharing Alex's journey with us. After reading one of your posts, I called an OT,and bada bing, guess what! DD, age 5 has the same thing. So you get full credit for helping at least one other family with their out of whack kid!
Amen.
My husband still has his blanket, and he is 40. I still have my rabbit. Sometimes we still sleep with them, when we need the extra comfort.
(I do whack on the butt sometimes, when I am at my wit's end. I am not proud of it, but I don't think it's the end of the world, either. Mostly, however, I find that THAT TONE OF VOICE works fine with pseudonymous kid.)
Right fuckin' on, Flea. I was hoping you'd blog about this.
Why is it that people who hate kids are the only ones who get attention for their child-raising ideas? Oh wait, I think I just answered my own question.
My daughter, now 20, and my son, 17, both had "lovies" when they were small.
My daughter STILL has hers. Though he was once fluffy and cute, Stitch is now probably the rattiest old teddy bear on the planet. VERY well loved, and quite mashed and mangled from being slept with every night of her entire life. She will NOT sleep anywhere without him which means that he is now getting a college education too!
My son attached himself to his thumb and his "Rag", which actually was a dozen cloth diapers - handy for wash day! He doesn't need his Rag now (or, his thumb, except for normal useage of course), but I recently came across one Rag that I'd saved as I was cleaning out a cupboard. I took it out and showed him. His eyes lit up and he smiled and gently patted it like one would an old friend.
(cont.)
Both my kids lovies helped them get through their childhood fairly unscathed. They helped ward off the scary things that go bump in the night. It was something they could count on even when Mom and Dad weren't right there with them.
I canNOT imagine destroying that security just to teach them a lesson!
Rock on, Flea! With every story you share with us about your kids, I am more and more convinced that your kids have the BEST Mom ever!
i hadn't heard of this. i knew lisa whelchel was a fundie, but this? i'm speechless. i'm glad YOU weren't!
Also, kudos to the Tabasco people for condemning this.
We don't spank or smack hands. Just moving her hand is quite the indignity that she will go lengths to avoid. Time outs work pretty well too, fortunately for us
As far as response to dangerous behavior, well, removing her from the danger, or removing the danger from her reach seems to work. If she is out of reach, we yell a warning, which sometimes works to stop her, but we try to prevent anything reasonably predictable. She still runs head first into the edge of the table. I know that hurts, how hard would I have to spank her to make an impression that she oughtn't do something that is quite painful anyway? The point is moot as I can't bring myself to strike her.
I'm a nanny and childcare worker and I deal with four SID kids, all boys under eight. Generally I cope with freakouts by grabbing the kid tightly and not making eye contact while I wait for them to calm down. I don't know how Alex is with eye contact, but I remember hating it in a total panic-inducing way when I was six. I've had kids with really strong SID go palpably limp with relief when I told them they didn't have to look at my face, just listen to my words.
One family does thwack their SID kid, and they've told me to at least threaten to do the same. The theory is that the goal is to startle him out of a freakout, not to cause him pain. I'm not comfortable doing that, but then I don't have to get him to doctors' appointments and so forth.
Definitely not trying to give you unsolicited parenting advice, I just wax prolific on this topic.
(sorry for hijacking the thread. I grew up with SID and wasn't diagnosed until after I'd learned to cope on my own, so I get enthused about the topic.)
And by the way, my stepcousin, who was in the seventh grade when I knew her, still had her blankie. It had disintegrated over the years till it was about the size of a hankerchief, and she kept it in her purse. The size was convinient for holding during math exams and sad movies.
Alex, he isn't very good with eye contact, but since OT, he's gotten a lot better. Steve and I figured I have/had it, too, but learned to cope on my own. I'm still not great with eye contact.
Holy shit, that Blair witch scares me. How could someone be deliberately mean to their own kid?
hehe, I got my bear in college during some bad times, and he's been with me now for almost a decade. He's been replaced (sniff sniff), after Ruby's dog decided that Snuffles was his toy, but I had a back up ready to go in case anything happened. I simply can not sleep if he isn't under my arm. And my bear has gone everywhere with me, including on my overseas work trips. So he's been around the world 
My Mickey has gone thru Stinky Bunny, Dogdy, Lamby, and Pinky Elephant (the current comforter, just recently renamed Peanut). He also has a blanky that he loves. I would never, ever even think of taking these comforts, much less destroying them (sometimes I think that they comfort me almost as much as him!) So, being someone who actually still believes that God is Love, I have to say a prayer for all of the parents that will follow such cruel advice just because it is labeled Christian and the children that will become their victims. Thanks, Flea for your beautiful writings.
I just got married in July, and my mother and I cut a strip from my Blue Blankie to tuck into my bouquet. We didn't think of it until the night before, but it was still in the bottom of my dresser after 8 moves. I can't tell you how special that silly cloth is to me.
Seems that there is a big difference between logical consequences and Welchel's brand of punishment. ICK!
Maybe you guys can provide me with some useful advice. (Let me say that the crap that Blair spews is not what i would regard as useful in any way except as an object lesson in what not to do.) I'm the part-time stepmother of a 7-year-old. There's no spanking (and I certainly wouldn't be doing it, given my step-hood, even if I don't in principle object to a swat on the butt or the hand if someone's attention needs to be retrieved), and I don't know that it would be useful. I think my question is how you folks deal with consequences. Seven is old enough to bear some responsibility for your words and actions, and I don't think that there should be no consequences for hateful behavior.
pt. 2
I certainly don't want to destroy any of his stuff, but is it unreasonable to restrict his access to particularly prized toys--e.g., his gameboy--until he demonstrates appropriate behavior? (I would never take away Bunny or Bear or Baby PJ, however; they fulfill a much different function than the gameboy, and taking them away would be cruel.) Flea, what do you do when Alex misbehaves despite your preplanning? Five is still a little young for major consequences, but what are you going to do when he's 7? or 10? I'm clueless here, and, of course, given that he doesn't live with us, I also have relatively limited input. What do you other readers do?
I don't have time to read the rest of the comments (and I'm not a parent, so I have no stories of my own to contribute) but this has been a hot topic in a gossip newsgroup that I read, and from what they say, she also puts clothespins on her kids' tongues and makes them walk through shit as punishment.
What the fuck?!
Carla,
I'd say there is a HUGE difference between taking the gameboy/tv/dvdplayer away for a week, and BURNING a child's favorite toy. My baby isn't old enough for that sort of thing yet, but I've often heard of 'throwing away' the toys as a punishment. Basically, putting them in a garbage bag and hiding them for a week or so until the child decideds to behave.
i love this post. i salute you for consciously taking responsibility for the parenting of your children... because you're not a religious person. well-spoken.
huh? What does her being or not being a religious person have to do with taking responsibility as a parent?
When I was a kid, my paternal grandmother warned me that when I knew I was going to get a spanking that I should put a book down the back of my pants.
I did. My mom broke her hand.
To this day, I can't remember what I was going to be spanked for, but I do remember what happens when spanking kids.
And the hot sauce treatment--I love hot sauce. I'll have to remember to talk dirty to my wife. Mmmm...chipolte.
Remember, Jeezus said: "Suffer the little children to come to me." What do you think he meant by that, if not a damn good whacking?
Flea, have you ever seen this strip by Lynda Barry (Salon: watching ad req'd)
http://archive.salon.com/mwt/com...ons5/
index.html
It sums up what you've said about special toys beautifully. Actually, if you haven't read 100 Demons, Barry's book this came from, you should. It is utterly beautiful and true.
Our 7 yr-old has SID as well. We've found that time-outs mostly work, not as punishment but as a way for him to organize himself when he's going into neural overload.
The hot sauce thing would never work on him; since he's hyposensitive, he loves a drop of Tapatio for some rockin' oral sensory input. We limit that particular treat, even though he can recognize a bottle of hot sauce at 50 paces insists on adding it to the ketchup for his fries.
Two things:
1. Mine was a yellow blankie with 'Winnie the Pooh' on it. I don't personally have it, but I know precisely where it is in my parents' house. A babysittert hid it from me once (not for punishment, if I recall correctly - just for sport) - she wasn't ever asked back.
2. I remember drawing on the side of the house when I was about five or so. I'd developed a sudden (and as I remember,m fleeting) fear of burglers. I tried to write "Nora the Police Lives Here" - but unfortunately all I had was white chalk, which didn't make much of an impression on our white house.
Anywho. In short, great post. And thanks for the link to '100 Demons,' emjaybee - it made me tear up all over again.
My daughter doesn't have a security object. I don't know why. The closest thing is my husband; she wants only him when she is really upset. He is a SAHD. She is 16 months old. I wonder if she will attach to an object. There are plenty of candidates including her firstyears squid that she sometimes calls TinkyWinky and an old fashioned sock monkey, but so far none seem that special to her.
Wow,this is the first time I have felt compelled to comment. Great,great post! My son has AHDH,and we have wrestled with the discipline for years. I would never in a million years do what Whelchel is advocating. And,doing it in the name of God,man,that is fucked up!
Great post, flea, as usual.
My older child never attached to an object, but Monkey had her "gnn-gnn" (it's not so much a word as a sound). She needed it when she got upset or hurt, and she needed it to fall asleep, and though she needs it less and less with each passing year, it's still goes on her bed every day - it's a fleece blanket with Elmo on it (even though she never had any use for Elmo, and never watched the Elmo tainted Sesame Street.). I would never burn a special toy, although I have been known to go into her room with a trash bag and get rid of all the toys she doesn't play with anymore.
What an excellent rant. Much of what you've said re: blame and responsibility is exactly how I've felt for years about religion in general. You write beautifully on this awful topic, thank you.
Carla, I tell him he has a choice - to exhibit bad behavior and lose a privilege, or good behavior and keep the privilege. If he chooses bad behavior, he doesn't get to go to the park/hear a bedtime story/play in the backyard etc.
The bad behavior always stops. Sometimes the whining begins, but he gets over it when I tell him that he made the choice, so he has to take responsibility for it.
Wow. I was moved to tears and sharp, fiery anger in one post. You are the master. Thank you for this post, the part about the blanket was incredibly beautiful and reminded me of Panda, who I have had since I was 7. He will be 30 years old this year.
"suffer" in "suffer the little children" means "allow." A lot of language change has happened since the 17th century.
Firstyears squid? I can't help but be curious.....
Anyway, I've tried to write a response to this post, but it hits very close to home. Maybe after I sort it all out in my head I can write something coherent.
thanks for the feedback, flea (and amy). we try this, too (it always feels good to have one's instincts confirmed . . .), and, provided he's not already in Too-Tired-Meltdown-Mode, he responds reasonably well to clear choices. i suspect more consistency among the various parent-figures in his life would increase the response success, but i've made a decision to fight the battles that can be won.
Hmm...Blair as psychobitch parent? Who'd have thunk it? I figured Jo to be the mean one. And why does Blair need so many "cures" for bad behavior? Haven't all her children run away by now? Sleep with one eye open,Whelchel. Payback is brutal.
Love to Flea--you rule!
By the way, one thing that Alex might like to hear is that Mommy & Daddy follow 98% of the rules that he has to follow. Lying, cheating, stealing...and yes, coloring on the house with something other thand Dutch Boy Exterior Latex...are right out for grownups, too. Sure, we can drive, vote, etc. But when you look at what we do every day, we operate by more or less the same rules we want our kids to follow (if we're not jerks!). You can explain to him that the rules really are for everybody.
Good tip, Lisa - thanks!
When my kids were going through a rough stretch with their behavior, I sat them down (5.5 and 3.5 yrs.), and we made up a list of house rules. My hope was that they'd at least have some respect for the rules they themselves made. So they started right off with some oldies but goodies: no shouting, no hitting, etc.
And then they got in to some positives, too: hug and kiss, say 'I love you', etc.
Then my daughter drew a picture for each rule and we put the rules up on the wall near our kitchen table. The kids still break the rules -- they're kids, afterall -- but it's very easy to remind them that they're breaking their own rule. It has definitely helped stop reduce some of the undesireable behavior, especially when I remind them that they must have had a reason for making that rule.
I wrote about the rules here.
I'm a first-year in medical school, and I brought Scooter, a seal puppet, with me. My roommates/housemates in college all knew him by name, and he stays right here on my nightstand. My first few lonely nights on the opposite coast from where I belong (home is NY, school is CA) were spent with Scooter held close in my arms.
God bless you for recognizing the specialness of such items. My blankie is at home in my closet, along with Pinkie, a stuffed dog. The three of them were my support through quite a bit, and will continue to be.
In your free time, visit some helpful info about viagra sale | viagra sale | http://www.viagra-sale-pharmacy.info/ | crap | crap | http://www.website-1999.info/ | cheap tramadol | cheap tramadol | http://www.top-shop-site.info/ | online black jack | online black jack | http://www.top-list-2001.info/ | valtrex | valtrex | http://www.valtrex-online-pharmacy.info/ |
You are invited to check the sites in the field of poker rooms poker rooms http://www.jmhic.com/poker-rooms.html ... Thanks!!!
Commenting by HaloScan
