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What? Huh? Ok, my father doesn't like any of the stuff on that list. He doesn't watch sports, he doesn't fix cars, he hates action movies. He was in WWII, but he came out a pacifist. He went to art school and likes gardening. He and my mom will celebrate their 50th anniversary next month.
Consequently, all this "manly-man" stuff is utterly inexplicable to me.
Also, weren't Victorian women advised to "lie back and think of England"?
Oh now you're definitely not going to get another invitation to appear on her show.
And one of my f'ing lightbulbs went last night. I am however single so that means that I'll have to sweet-talk myself into changing it. Such sweet talk will require praise of my own strength because as I have ten-foot ceilings & no ladder, I need to drag a smallish table into the next room to stand on.
I watch football more often than I watch Oprah, and sometimes quote from Star Trek (the original), Star Wars (ditto), and The Simpsons (very regularly) in everyday conversation. Does this mean I'm a man?
Uh oh. My man prefers ballet dancers to swimsuit models. Clearly I need Dr. Phil's help!
Oh, wow. I'm very, very disturbed. What's even more disturbing is that I bet most readers won't even pick up on why all that is a bunch of misogynistic, anti-healthy relationship crap.
You are aware that the w. bruce cameron stuff was written tongue-in-cheek, aren't you?
God, I hope so.
I just went back and read it again, and now I don't know if my strong desire to want it to be a joke is getting in the way. I think he wants it to be funny, because there are a lot of jokes written in the piece, but there isn't any other indication that he isn't serious about his main points. And I looked. It's possible that Bruce always writes Swiftian proposals; I've never heard of him before. Anyway, I don't think O readers subscribe for satirical works. Although I wish they did.
I'm not sure if it's a typo in the article or the transcription, but I'm really enjoying this quote:
"For the first half of the 20th century, guys were beadwinners and women were their caretakers."
It fills my head with dialogue like the following:
Man: "Baby, I worked all day, slaving away for these here BEADS! Worship me."
Woman: "Man, those beads best be edible, 'cause we're out of potatoes."
So now I know what my man is up to all day. Huh. Live and learn.
If it was written to be funny, I don't think the majority of the O readers are going to GET it. Call me pesimistic, call me a bitch, whatever. I know firsthand that this article will appeal, AS IS, to a VERY large segment of the female population.
And it's sickening.
Too funny!
My husband just called to bitch about his boss, I guess I can put #1 into action at lunch and praise his manliness. Thanks, for sharing this advice with us all!
I am so squicked out now, I must go take a shower. (My husband and coworkers thank you for this.)
this is the shit that makes it so much harder to build friendships and relationships with men! first you have to spend godawful amounts of time convincing them to trust that you aren't playing these games and are, in fact, terrified of them. and to get over being hurt and indignant toward them for suspecting that you be someone who'd play such games. that second part is especially rough for me.
Men are more like male chimpanzees than women. This is very true. Very, very true.
The story is that Queen Victoria (not Victorian women at large) was instructed to lie back and think of England (i.e. producing a male heir to the British throne) on her wedding night.
The thing that always gets me about these articles, in addition to how jaw-droppingly stupid they are, are the over-generalizing references to women and men in history used to either back up the ridiculous gender stereotype claptrap the author is spewing or as a strawman (along the lines of Virginia Slim's "you've come a long way, baby") to prove how "liberated" today's women are compared to those in the past, so they should shut up already. The faux evolutionary arguments drive me batty, too--that men haven't evolved beyond the chimp stage. Why is this supposed to be funny?
My guess is that the Cameron piece was intended as satire -- both his books are "humor" and he is billed as having had the fastest-growing Internet humor column EVAR -- but he ain't no Dave Barry, and the excerpts from the article (available on Oprah's web site) and his books (available at Amazon) suggest to me that they have had to stretch the definition of "humorist" to cover him.
Either way -- satire or serious -- my Y-chromosome is cringing, and it wants to apologize on behalf of Y-chromosome bearing humans everywhere. Except the ones who are too close to those make chimpanzees -- they're on their own.
Call me a bad speller:
pessimistic
Thank you and good night.
Um, Buggydoo? I have a problem... maybe you can help me! It's your manly sweater. It makes my internet laugh too hard! How can your amazing problem-solving skills fix this? I feel so helpless in your strong grip!
You are a goddess, indeed. So funny!
"A male human being is closer to a male chimpanzee than he is to a female human being."
Oh man, what a straight line! I'm picturing Groucho Marx hugging a monkey and saying, "If I held you any
closer I would be on the other side of you."
Holy smokes. Was the Jon Stewart piece good at least?
Sounds like a Gorey book:
THE MANLY SWEATER
Or perhaps a good code word for when everything that Margaret Atwood has ever written becomes completely actual.
That funky sound you heard? Me barfing with laughter. It's almost worth buying the issue so I can read it with your voice in my head.
And if Dr. Phil is really G-d's gift to women, how do we approach him about getting a merchandise credit or something?
This is how it works at my house:
Mary calls me at work: "the hot water heater isn't working, I think the thermostat is blown, but I don't have a circuit tester, so I am going to Home Depot to buy one. If that isn't it - the element is probably shot and we'll have to buy a new one. If it is the thermostat, I'll just put in a new one."
Jim: "ok"
Mary calls work later: "Don't worry - it was the thermostat, I fixed it."
Jim: "thanks - glad I could help solve the problem."
Oh, god. I'm freaking out my co-workers right now with my snorts of laughter. God DAMN, you can write!
I didn't even finish the post yet, but I have to ask - is this person a devotee of the Sterling Institute of Relationships? Because this sounds an awful lot like the crap that those cult members will spew if given the opportunity. (I don't know if you remember, but someone I worked with tried to recruit me for this cult. Thank goodness I looked it up.)
Creepy.
I see what my problem is, why I'm so single. Apparently I haven't been complimenting the guy I like on his manly sweater.
I can actually imagine the conversation now.
DM: Why hello, Gil (Guy I like), have I mentioned how powerful and moving in the way that you speak. Quite like John Wayne.
Gil: George Lucas is evil (he's a nerd. Okay? I like a nerd. And he's all upset about the Grauman theater thing).
DM: You are 100% correct (hoping he will forget that I hate Star Wars and could care less about the poor dejected Star War nerds standing in the WRONG line).
Gil: Okay.
DM: May I compliment you on your manly sweater?
Gil: Are you on drugs?
Yes! I can see it now! Why, I bet I'll be married next week! All thanks to W. Bruce Cameron and Oprah! And to you, of course, flea, for bringing their wonderful words to my attention.
What is it with manly sweaters???
One of the frequent bits of stupid folk wisdom that comes wafting your way when people learn that one knits is the notion that no one should ever knit a sweater for her (and it's always her) boyfriend, because this will somehow cause him to break up with her.
There's even a book out there touting patterns and tips for making sweaters that are "manly" enough to avoid the "sweater curse."
Bizarre.
Maybe it's because I'm a decadent Dane, but somehow I think any of that guy's advice would, if taken seriously, make me reconsider the relationship.
*yuck*
LOL! OMG! This is the kind of stuff I would read in 16 Magazine or Seventeen Magazine in 1969! I love Oprah, what is she thinking??? Gues I'll pass on this issue.
I"m confused. I just watched Oprah on Friday and she was saying that the secret to my happiness depended upon wearing the correct bra! Damnit!
Oh, gosh, Dan, we know you're closer to a human being than to the author of that article. No worries about your Y.
The thing with "funny" articles like this is that they're "funny," but the basis of the humor (men are childish and apelike, it's our job as women to manipulate, coddle and worship them) aren't meant to be a joke.
Exactly. There's a difference between being a humorist and being a satirist. I really think this piece was aiming for the first ("It's funny because it's true!" and not the second ("I seem serious but my proposal is so outrageous it's simply not credible that anyone would think this way.")
Since we live in a world of "The Surrendered Wife" and "Mars & Venus" (and since a subsequent article suggested quite seriously that men and women are practically different species), what he is suggesting isn't any different from the majority of relationship crap we're supposed to swallow.
Yes - that was just so close to the real thing, which Dr Phil, John Gray, etc have been publishing for years. And that list of things men like was just the cherry on top, because I've seen that 100 times over.
Oh, hilarious. My boyfriend's first exposure to O was this issue, which he saw on my bed and picked up. About ten minutes later, he said, "I'm totally offended. Why do you read this magazine?"
I hadn't even looked at the month's "theme" and I was like, "Oh, it's a great magazine, very empowering, very -"
"Kameron, this is an article that says you can learn to train a man the way that you train a dog."
"What??"
I was pretty stunned at this month's "offerings" too.
If I want satire, I think I'll stick with "A Modest Proposal." *That* was funny. Cameron seems to have missed the satire boat as did Micheal Lewis in a similar article. (http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-op-
lewis6mar06,0,6297244.column?coll=la-util-op-ed)
EVERY single one of those "What Men want" articles is weak and timid and way too long. I will, right now, tell anyone who wants to know the sum total of what those articles should say.
Two words:
More Oral.
That's it. Everything else is just extra.
MEN TELL! What they Want! in Bed!
-- more oral.
MEN reveal their sexy secrets!
-- we want more oral.
Get the REAL scoop on Men's fantasies.
-- more oral. Maybe from two girls at once.
And so on.
I thought Dr. Phil was noxious, but this Cameron guy is even worse. If that's possible.
I have to go now and convince my husband to change a lightbulb.
I never buy Oprah magazine, but I did buy *this* issue, because my girlfriend bought Wood, Photography and some other manly (we're not a b/f couple, even though our mags say something different) magazines at the store...and I wanted perfume samples and pretty ads, and the Jon Stewart interview.
I skipped over the manly advice articles and just read the Jon Stewart interview (enjoyable - love him!). I read somewhere else about how people hate the ads in O. I love the ads. I'm the consumate consumer and I'm not happy unless I know every new product that's on the market. Plus, there was a cool ad for no-kill animal shelter and some makeup I'd like to try, after not having worn any in about ten years. And best of all, an ad with Colin Mochrie as the Snack Fairy. Awesome!
I know it's sad that some women take the man-advice as gospel, but those are the same women who think Cosmo quizzes will enhance their lives. It would be hard for these magazines to tell people every month - just get some damned common sense and most of your problems would be solved. That ends up making the magazines only about twenty pages each, with fifteen pages of ads.
I'm slow. It just dawned on me, why you're all talking about 'Oprah' in the same paragraphs as 'O Magazine'
'O Magazine' has nothing to do with 'The Story of O' after all, does it?
Uh... about that "prone" business. I doubt that Mr Cameron (bless his little heart) meant "prone." Surely "supine" is what he meant! After all, lying face down (prone) is just a little kinky even if you're being totally passive. Yeah. Supine. That's how he wants us.
The story is that Queen Victoria (not Victorian women at large) was instructed to lie back and think of England (i.e. producing a male heir to the British throne) on her wedding night.
Actually, the story is that Victoria gave this advice to her eldest daughter. By all reports, Victoria liked sex (she described her wedding night as “bewildering but wonderful”). If she said it, it would most likely have been because she made this daughter marry a Prussian prince in order to foster an Anglo-German alliance, so it would have been more along the lines of “You may not like this guy, but you’re marrying him for the sake of England” instead of “You may not like sex, but you’re doing it for England” (which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense).
The only known published version of the quote, though, is attributed to Lady Alice Hillingdon who wrote in her diary:
"I am happy now that Charles calls on my bedchamber less frequently than of old. As it is, I now endure but two calls a week, and when I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs and think of England."
You don’t know whether to feel sorrier for her or for Sir Charles.
Sorry to burst in, ladies, but I heard someone was baking a pie? I'll bet it's a delicious pie, too!
methinks DrP has the goods on Oprah....
here from F-D by the way
Eh, I think I'm going to stick with "prone." I like the image better.
Duckman, get away from my man's pie! Get your own woman to bake you a pie! And you're not even supposed to be reading this blog entry, anyway!
Huh. All these years I could have been manipulating my husband instead of saying "these things need to be done; which ones do you want to do?" I will admit to misusing the word 'we' - as in "we need to move the compost bin" which he then reinterprets (aloud) to "I need to move the compost bin for you? When?" I have never praised his manly sweater and I refuse to act clueless unless I am. I wonder why he hasn't left me yet. Must be all the good sex he gets in exchange for being my handyman. Or maybe it's the pie....
The Manly Sweaters would be a great band name.
Funny, funny stuff. Came here from First Draft.
My husband and I have a running joke about O Magazine:
"Guess who's on the cover of O this month?"
"I dunno. Who?"
"Oprah!"
"Holy crap! I didn't see that coming!"
...and we decide who changes the light bulb by seeing who gets sick of the darkness first.
I am laughing so hard that buckets of tears are running down my face. Flea, I’ve never commented on your site before, but I have to say you are hilarious. I thought twisty’s take on this article was funny, but your actual application of “the rules” takes the cake! Thank you for your brilliant investigative reporting!
I just found this from a link from the "I blame the patriarchy". I love your very funny piss take of that typical sexist men-are-chimpanzees-shit! I can't believe the shit that women's magazines contain, they're like manuals for being a submissive, man- pleasing, patriarchy loving, delusional doormat. Who the fuck thinks that stuff up? It's like a parody, it's scary as hell that it's supposed to be serious.
I was really shocked at how bad Cosmopolitan was when I read it for an essay I was doing. Stuff like "no boyfriend wants to be your best friend! Don't share your troubles with him" and about how to trick him into talking about commitment..
Why are they so bad? Even the mainsteam newspapers aren't so bad! I can't help but feel the publishing industry is pulling some sort of sick joke on women in churning out this bullshit.
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