Comments Lounge
Yes Yes YES YES YES YES YES!!!
On so many levels, yes!!!
Been there, done that, married it, live it, you name it. I am surrounded by ADD. I have it, my mom, my brother and my husband.
I can not tell you how much concerta (long lasting Ritalin) has made a difference in my life. And in my SO's life as well.
I highly recommend ADDitude, a magazine for parents, kids and adults with ADD. very cool.
http://www.additudemag.com/
Hugs you to, you are NOT a horrible parents, and hugs to Alex who will finally get that calmness that everyone talks about, but just never understood why he couldn't do it on his own. Hugs hugs hugs, I'm so happy I'm dancing in my seat.
I know I'm going wacky overboard here, but really, flea, I've lived that exact moment in my life, and I know what difference it makes for him and for you.
happy happy joy joy 
Your entry made me cry too. I have been readng you for so long and am so happy that Alex is doing so well now. What a happy time for the Flea Circus!
Whatever it takes, honey. You do whatever it takes. I read the bit about the house drawing and the math worksheet, and it just about broke my heart, I was so happy to read that. Congratulations.
I can't begin to tell you how glad I am that you've found something that works for you. I too, felt my heart clutch when I read about the house drawing and math paper.
Everyday I click on your site in my bookmarks to read what I think is some of the best writing in "blogland". You've brought me a lot of laughs and given me new perspective on so many things.
I'm thrilled that you get to enter the third part of Alex's life.
This post is like a microcosm of your blog. All of the rage, love, strength and humor you have -- for Alex, and Christopher, and Steve and yourself -- blazes in this post.
I'm in my late teens, and have a relatively severe physical disability diagnosed at age three. I understand that the issues with something like ADD/Asperger's/PDD are totally different, but I totally appreciate the sacrifices, financial and otherwise, that my parents made to help me become the independent person I am today - and Alex will too, when he's older.
Oh, and I am just now leaving the Children's in Chicago system - great people, aren't they?
delurking to say how glad I am for you all - I watched a beloved nephew go through this for years and fixing the chemistry made all the difference between functionality/happiness and a total lack thereof. If people give you crap they're self-righteous idiots who don't know what they're talking about.
Yaay ALEX!!!!!!
Finally a solution! Yay! I'm so glad for all of you!
Like many others, I have been reading your blog for a while, over a year. To hear about Alex's success is OUTSTANDING!!!! You and Steve deserve a HUGE round of applause. Congratulations to you and to Alex!!!
Yippeeee!!!!!
I am so happy for you!
And for godsakes, you've done everything any human being or saint would do for that boy. Someday, when you can, give yourself the credit you are due.
And remind me sometime to tell you the story of dehydrating my first-born while trying to get her on a bottle so I could go back to work. It's only an 8 week saga, but if I had blindly followed my first piece of medical advice, she could have died.
Damn, you make me want to buy stock in the company that makes Ritalin. Alex was so beautifully behaved at those recent birthday parties. I'm ecstatic that you've finally found something that helps Alex be the best Alex he can be, 'cause lord knows you've tried everything.
Now, wouldja put up a PayPal link already? There are only so many sex toys we can buy. Call it the Buy Ritalin So Flea Has Time and Energy to Write, Write, Write Fund.
Yay! I'm so happy you found something that works!! =) That's so awesome!
this was so wonderful to read. i am so happy for your family.
I suffer from severe, chronic depression and take psychotropic drugs that control it, most of the time. When they're not working so well, I can't tell you how many people (even my family) give me well-meaning advice along the lines of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." I've learned to smile and nod and not slap them and keep working with my doctors to get things straight. I am my own best measurement of what's right for me.
You just keep doing what you're doing because Alex is his own best measurement too-- if he's thriving then you're doing something right.
People who have no trouble with the idea of taking heart medicine for a faulty heart, injecting insulin for a faulty pancreas, popping antacids for a faulty stomach, have a great deal of trouble with the idea that someone should take medicine to fix a faulty brain. The prejudice is deep and ingrained and difficult to reason people away from.
If a simple dose of Ritalin can change Alex's whole life-- what a wondrous thing! What a godsend! Congratulations to you and Steve on being just the sort of parents that Alex needed: ones who would go to the wall for your child, ones who would not stop or give in or listen to naysayers (even when the naysayers were yourselves) until you found help for Alex. Now Alex can live the life he's supposed to live. Good job.
Thank you so very much for sharing so much of yourself with us.
I'm so very happy you and Alex have found peace. May it never end.
This is so reminiscent of what my mother went through with my younger brother that it is downright eerie. Thank you for this post. And fuck that "child-free" forum.
You can't see me, but I'm totally grinning through tears at you right now. Ya know, I took Ritalin for a while. It's amazing stuff for people whose minds race faster than their consciousness can catch them. It doesn't really fuck with you or change your personality, despite what some people think.
I'd compare being on and off Ritalin to the reels on a slot machine. Off it, the ADD mind has multiple reels flipping around, and occasionally landing together in the same place. The Ritalin makes the reels all move together and the pictures all line up.
I'm so very thrilled for you that, with this bit of medical assistance, you and Steve can now enjoy the goodness you always knew was in Alex's heart. And he's truly going to blossom like crazy because nothing can hold him back now.
Yay Flea! Yay Alex! (And Steve and Christopher, too!)
Brain chemistry is an amazing thing. I'm glad his is getting under control.
My youngest son was diagnosed with PDD and it was a very long road to get there. I am reading this checking off all the things I have been through as well, though not as much as his real mom (i am a step mom). You are so brave and wonderful to put your fears aside and do what you thought would work for your baby. Many parents aren't strong enough to do that. God bless you and your ham flavored Knox blocks. I wish all moms could be like you.
flea, I'm so glad to hear that something is finally working! I'll bet he's feeling better, too.
flaring--amen from a fellow depressive. I have to remind myself sometimes that it's my brain chemistry, not my attitude that's the problem.
Fucking A Flea! I am so excited you've found something that works for Alex!
truly good news. I'm so happy for you, and Alex.
My 2nd child has ADD, and has been well served by Concerta for 5 years. She is 11.
My 3 year old son is like Alex, bonkers boy. I was telling my daughter's therapist about his behavior. We then brought him in, and they started him on ritalin, really low dose. The child is night and day difference. It is like a god send. Seriously, I didn't like this little boy who constantly made everyone's life around him hell. Now I am able to see the sweet little kid he truly is. He plays with his trains and puzzles and doesn't constantly look around to see whose buttons he can push. Glad you have had great luck too. I feel very lucky to have found this so early.
that just made me cry.
i am so, so happy for your family that you get to have a bit of sanity and joy again.
i say fuck people who have the "ritalin is bad, period" attitude. i had a couple of the toughest foster kids in a certain county staying with me. we had a very rough couple of months until the doctors figured out the right medicine in the right dose. i still have scars all over the back of my hand from an 8 year old attacking me because i held the door shut of the car as she tried to jump out while it was going 40 miles per hour. you are so very right, too. sometimes NOTHING gets through to some kids. the kid wasn't trying to jump out of the car for any particular reason, and "YOU WILL DIE, STOP!" might as well have been "jump! jump!"
if a medicine to fix the brain will help a child function normally, there is nothing wrong with that.
i gotta confess that i ended up giving my notice on those two kids after a few months. i couldn't handle them. i am in awe of your love that let you stick with alex for six years. you are an incredible mom.
It's like magic, isn't it? When you see a kid struggling so hard against the mayhem in his head, a kid who has almost zero impulse control, and then you hand him one of the most bad-mouthed drugs today... and he turns into a quiet, collected, witty, intelligent kid.
You're a damned good mom and you're doing the right thing for him; anybody who thinks otherwise just isn't paying attention.
oh, flea. yay. i'm a manic-depressive, recovering alcoholic. and like i am wont to say, i have two diseases, which if left untreated -- will kill me.
there are people in my dear 12 step program that think it's their job to tell people they don't need medicine. funny that, since it's nowhere in our literature to tell people how to practice medicine.
and yeah, i'm one of those who thinks there's too many kids just slapped on ritalin, but i think there's lots of people on too many meds, and i take psychotropics myself...they help me from ending up back in a psych ward. it's all about doing the next right thing and knowing we're honest with our doctors (or our kids' docs).
sounds like you did MORE than your fair share of everything else. i'm on concerta, too... i'm still trying to figure it out -- what's ADD and what's bipolarland. maybe i'll end up off the concerta. maybe not.
i'm really happy you found something that works.
love,
You should be proud of yourself, and your family. You have tried everything, and have found a solution that will work! You did nothing blindly, and that is worth all the credit in the world.
Hugs all around.
to add to the chorus, my brother was the same. the day he started on ritalin, his (previously chaotic) handwriting changed. completely. after all those years of teacher reports about impulse control and not fulfilling his potential.
judiciously prescribed, this drug is a great gift.
I am very happy Ritalin is working for Alex. I am not very surprised to find that it works for someone, as that would explain at least partially how it got to be so over used.
There are often waves of trendy diagnoses, as someone finds an explanation or a cure for some phenomena. It's great for those who have those issues, really awsome for those who benefit from the cure, but then there are the "me toos" and the diagnosticians who suddenly have found their hammer and are damn sure everything is a nail. Pretty soon the backlash starts as the horror stories about how all those misdiagnosed with the syndrome of the week were badly concussed by the hammer come to light. At this point those yet to be diagnosed but who could actually benefit may not ever get the treatment because of the backlash. Especially if their parents are't strong enough to try something they spoke against.
You certainly can believe that Ritalin (or Prozac, etc) is over-prescribed and understand that it works (really well) in some cases.
I'm glad you found something that works for Alex.
Oh Flea, I heart you!
This was heartbreakingly wonderful to read! Thanks for sharing it with us!
(And I second the PayPal suggestion!)
WOW. That was a very powerful post.
It seems to me it might have been especially hard because he's your first - how would you know what to expect, or have any confidence in what you are doing, if you haven't had the experience of raising a child before him?
I can totally understand your reluctance to medicate him, but I'm so glad the ritalin has helped! A good friend of mine has been wrestling with bi-polar disorder for many years, and when he is on medication that works, it is a wonderful thing. It's not about numbing or changing him, it's about letting him control his own life and not have to wade through the chaos his brain puts between him and the world. I think he would be in much better shape now if he (and his parents) were able to figure out what was going on earlier in his life. Bless you (really) for fighting so hard for Alex!
And, by the way, I'm with Orange - can we have a PayPal link, please?? I promise I'll use it...
No crow-eating necessary. You and Steve are very right that there are a lot of little boys (and, ahem, little girls) who are recommended or prescribed Ritalin to get them to sit down and shut up, when all they need is a little exercise.
But it is also correct that there are kids whom Ritalin really, truly helps. I am so glad Alex found something that helps him. And you.
By the way, the person who posted in the childfree forum is a great argument for involuntary euthanasia of asshats.
I'm so, so happy for you...
I am going to print this post out and give it to the my friend D whose son is on Ritalin and she had been getting shit from people around her. Her son is doing a million times better that he was so I can guess it is the same for Alex. I am so happy you found somehting that works.
And yes, put up a paypal acount.
Even though you've been talking about this for years now, I can still imagine you breathing a sigh of relief -- a lessening of the weight -- after writing this entry. There are things that are hard to say while a situation is going on, that might be a bit easier when things get better.
My son is not DD, but he has had other problems since adolescence: a sleep disorder that even Stanford Uni Sleep Ctr doesn't know what to do for him. It's excruciating to watch one's child live with something that makes you wonder if they're ever be able to function as an adult.
My experience with things such as you mention -- attitudes and exhausting hypervigilance -- comes from my friend, Denise. We practically lived in each other's pockets growing up, and as an adult, she bore a child that had pretty severe autism, with no meds that helped ameliorate his symptoms. Much as she loved him, he wore her out, mentally and physically, because he never stopped, and like Alex, he had no fear of danger. She finally had to put him in a group home when he would repeatedly escape their home while she was asleep (rental home, and could not put bars on the windows, but tried everything else). She woke up one morning and couldn't find him. A neighbor brought him back; he'd been a couple of miles away, running down the road, naked. I believe he was about 12 at the time. Raising a child with the behaviors he had (some of which he and Alex shared), is profoundly exhausting in a way most people do not understand.
Some years later, he'd been over to visit her for the usual weekend visit, and she turned her back for a minute. He ran onto the freeway and a drunk driver hit him and severed his arm. Other than that he was okay, though. Of course she blamed herself.
I am thrilled beyond words for you, LA, that you have found help for Alex, in the form of Ritalin or not. Ritalin is over-prescribed, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work for those who truly need it, and it sounds like it's making a world of difference for Alex, and your family. More power to you, and really, I can't tell you just how heartfeltly happy I am for you.
flea, seriously, this is wonderful. Amazing. I am so thrilled, especially when you wrote about him drawing and the math homework.
As someone who, for the longest time, resisted taking medication for depression, I can agree that people can be such idiots about this. My quality of life After Effexor is so much better now. So I think it is great that you found something that works for Alex. And screw the jerks who think otherwise. Oops. Sorry. Bless their hearts.
Wow, I had no idea it had been like this. I can't imagine how I would have coped with what you have been through the last six years, especially with all the crap from other people. Congratulations on finding something that works and having the courage to use it (and write about it).
Thank you for sharing this. My son was being seen for months before the therapists started talking about Asperger's and ADHD. We still don't have any sort of real diagnosis besides "speech delay", but I see a lot of my son in Alex. It makes me feel good just to hear another woman talk so openly about the emotions that travel with kids that need a little extra help. You want to help them, and get them what they need, yet you coil up defensively when people point out what's wrong. It's tough, and I appreciate your honesty. Thanks again.
"when I discovered we were subsequently featured on a "child free" forum "
I had no idea; that's one of the most horrible things I've ever heard of (as far as internet things go).
I'm sorry I was so negative about Ritalin. It certainly wasn't because I thought you were being lazy. I'm delighted to be wrong. Lydia
Amen, flaring.
It's tough as a parent sometimes to admit that our kids need something we'd rather not give them. (Our girl-child has had several rounds of the 'Talking Doctor', and is battling OCD now.) But kudos to you for doing this, and congrats on the progress!
We're living parallel lives, you and I (or is it "you and me"? I'm tired).
We've been down your road, Ritalin and all. We, too, denounced it and said, "Even though he's been diagnosed, we'll NEVER put him on medication."
Never say "never". That's what the doctor told us.
Now if only I could say, "My son has *these disorders* and he's on Ritalin and I don't give a flying fuck what you other people, you people with easy kids, think." That would be something.
Can I be you when I grow up??
Happy happy joy joy.
I'll have to eat crow with you. While I think that Ritalin may be overprescribed, I am thrilled that it works for Alex.
I think you opened a lot of eyes about medication. You are to be commended for all your efforts to find the best treatment for your son, and you have finally found it.
Flea, that was a great essay on what it's like to deal with ADD. I had no idea! I, too, have long thought ritalin was over-prescribed and ADD over-diagnosed (and really, I still believe those things), however you have certainly made your point, that while ADD may be (may have been) a fad diagnosis, it DOES exist in reality. I can't imagine what you've gone through. I know about my own mom-guilt, and how I struggle to know if I'm doing the right thing on a daily basis... so I can only imagine how you must have felt, before the diagnosis and treatment. Congratulations on finding an answer! You must be so happy. What a relief.
(Oh, and that heart-blessing thing is more commonly used to absolve yourself when you're talking bad about somebody. Like, "she wouldn't be able to fight her way out of a wet paper bag, bless his little heart." But it could certainly be used as a very polite "fuck you." Which they certainly deserve if they have such strong opinions about your parenting - never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Right?)
I'm so glad you found something that helps your son. Weaver
I went through a similar experience with my son. It didn't help that my wife at the time, his mother, was wacko too. Her answer was to scream louder at him and hit him. My son Joe got pushed through the public school system without learning. At the end of grade two he was functionally illiterate, couldn't even read a stop sign, while the rest of the kids were reading chapter books. Finally we found a doctor who knew what she was doing and started him on ritalin. After experimenting with the dosage for a while, we got it right (although Mom now wanted to dope him into unconscousness to make him easy to handle). With the right dose of ritalin he started to learn. He started to read. He started playing with frends in a normal non-violent way.
He is now in grade 8 and in the top 10% of his class. Last report card had 13 A's. He now takes Concerta, the long acting form of Ritalin, as he was getting embarassed having to go to the school office twice a day to get his pills (he took 15 mg three times a day). He only takes Concerta on school days as it supresses his appetite too much and he is a real skinny kid who barely eats when on the drug. We manage on weekends and during summer vacation with a fixed structure of rules and schedule, and lots of warnings about changes, as he does not handle changes in his routine very well. As he has gotten older, he has come to be more aware of his problem and can self regulate a bit to help control the wilder behaviour.
Don't pay any attention to the Tom Cruises of the world who say Ritalin is wrong. Tom needs to return to planet Xebox, where he came from, and all of the people are like him, basically not human. Keep up the struggle and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your child can get over this with help and medication and be normal, whatever that means. But more importantly he (or she) can enjoy life without getting yelled at all the time and learn and mature. God bless you and your family.
flea, I'm so glad that you've found something that works for Alex.
I can really relate to the struggles with a child who the rest of the world sees as "not quite right" and the life scheduled around PT, OT, Speech, behaviorists, etc. My son is 8 years old and mostly functions at about a 2-3 year old level. As hard as it was earlier this year to have a developmental pediatrician use the words "mental retardation", on one level it was also a relief to know what we're dealing with and get a little clearer picture of what we can expect. I think sometimes it's not knowing what's wrong that's tougher, and the constant feeling that maybe there's something else you should be doing that will make all the difference. I'm very glad you seem to have found the key for Alex.
Yay Alex! Yay flea!
You are a wonderful writer and a wonderful mother and I'm so happy for you and your family. Peace for Alex is a beautiful thing. I hope it lasts forever.
I have been guilty of badmouthing the Ritalin until now, also. Thanks for sharing Alex's story and educating us...it's good to know that it can have such a miraculous effect and be of such real help. I can't believe the nightmare you went through, and that you kept your sanity while doing it. You're amazing, and don't let anyone including yourself tell you different.
and yeah, hello broke girl: Paypal? Because the toys are great and all, but sometimes we'd just like to send you a fiver.
Holy ham flavoured jello! That's great news.
Flea, thank you for sharing this story, as I'm sure it will help others, on all sides of the situation. I'm thrilled to bits for Alex and for the entire family.
Just wanted to say that I've been following your saga for the past year that I've been reading your blog and I'm so very happy that you've found what will work. Yay for Alex!
Flea, I say this as a transplanted Southern woman, but in the sense that my mother and grandmother used it when speaking to a sick child, rather than in the sense described in your post: Bless your heart.
And as a fellow mother, I salute you.
And as someone who cares deeply about a child with problems similar (but not identical) to Alex's: I salute you.
Good for you. Good for Alex. Good for Steve. Keep up the good work.
Wonderful. Wonderful.
We're so happy out here.
I've been known to badmouth Ritalin myself. In hindsight, it seems obvious that the only way something is ever going to be over-prescribed is if it works really, really well for some people (and probably a lot of people).
Thanks for the post. I'm glad things are starting to look up for you.
I'm so happy for you that something finally worked! We've seen you try everything, and so what if too many kids out there are taking Ritalin? Doesn't mean there aren't some who are legit---Alex obviously appears to be so. Such a radical change, so fast; when it's not busy trying to sell boutique get-it-up drugs to rich old men, modern medicine is pretty fucking amazing.
I'm really glad you found something that works. Congratulations.
Your story mirrors mine in so many ways. We struggled for years dealing with Griffin's behavior. A year ago we finally put him in Adderall. The change is amazing. He was one of five second graders to make the school spelling bee!
Congrats on Alex's success. And get used to it, now he will get a chance to achieve the potential he has. You'll see many more successes down the road!
Goooooo Alex!
I myself am going to sit down to large plate of crow, right after I finish my ham jello. ( I loves me the Hammo!)
What good news. What a great post. What a nice flea. Thank you.
So, so happy for you all.
I've been blessing the hearts of broad-Ritalin-denouncers for a long time now, as it helped Dirt, my brother, so much. The best part, really, is that it *wasn't* a cure-all; he had side-effect problems after a few years and, with our folks, made some lifestyle decisions to help better his circumstances. He weaned off for a while, has been bombing college, and has reluctantly (but now, happily) gone back on it while he's in school.
And that's exactly the kind of decision we ALL make about our health. I was reluctant to take meds for my chronic illness, too, and now I won't go back to life without them. Maybe at some point my circumstances will change. But a medication that corrects a problem we're having is not the same thing as a dependency: it's a crutch, in the truest sense. We use crutches in order to allow something weak to get stronger.
Bravo to you and Steve, and many, many hugs for getting some much-needed affirmation. You're a hero.
It's like looking into a mirror: http://elisabeth.carnell.com/ind...dex2/2005/09/
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I thank god - any god, all gods, I'm so thankful I can't discriminate - for Ritalin.
(and I think much of the reason why ADHD has been overdiagnosed is because for a long while it was far more well-known (by the lay population) than many disorders some of its symptoms mimic. I believe that as more is known about other, less common and less talked about, disorders by non-specialized medical personnel (the family physicians on the front line) the diagnoses will even out and those children will be put on meds or offered other treatment specific to their situations...however insurance cut-backs, the kind that affect referrals to specialists and mental health coverage, will ever be an issue.)
I am one of those people who does believe that Ritalin and all of those other drugs are overprescribed. BUT!!!!
That does not mean that they are without merit. I think you are the perfect example of that - you tried EVERYTHING else before you resrted to drugs. And to me, THAT is when they are appropriate - when really they are the only thing that will work.
I've been reading your writing for a couple of those years and I just want to say that I am SO SO happy for you that you finally have something that works for you - for all of you - and gives your family some joy and peace. You're right, Alex DOES deserve that success. I am just so happy for you that he finally has it. It brings tears to my eyes thinking what that parent teacher conference must have been like for you. Beautiful.
I'm finally going to delurk to say that I have never once gotten the impression that you are a bad parent from what you have written here. Quite the opposite actually - I have regularly been impressed by the amount of effort and love you have put into raising your kids. I commend you for being willing to put Alex on Ritalin, despite how it is viewed by people in general, who still don't understand that illnesses of the mind are just as valid as illnesses of the body.
Please don't take what those on that forum said to heart; it seems that most of the childfree population is made up of selfish, hateful people who despise children for no good reason and have no contact or experience with them, but all the same see no problem with badmouthing people with children and their childraising abilities - as if they knew what having kids entailed. A good lot of them are still children themselves. They're an embarassment to those who don't want to have children and do not want to be pestered about it by their families and friends, but bear no ill will towards children or their parents, and can keep their damned mouths shut about matters they know little to nothing about.
(I have friends who are childfree and sensible, so I know such people exist; I don't count one way or another as I've tabled the entire matter for another 4 years.)
I think you're awesome, flea, and wish more people had parents like you and Steve.
Congratulations, flea. I'm so happy for you. And even happier for Alex.
Ritalin is a drug I've been thanking God and cannibalistic mulitnational conglomerates for for a few years, now, myself. The gratitude for it doesn't ever seem to go away.
It gets so much better, so fast. Oh, man.
My son also struggles with ADHD, as does his mother. We had to try a number of different medications before finding the one that helped him (Adderall Rx), but at 12 he's now thriving. And like you, we fought the idea of "medicating" him until we saw the radical improvement in his work at school and ability to focus. Over time his dosage has been reduced and I can see a day when he'll probably stop taking it completely, but it's been necessary for his development. Good for you for going against your fears and finding a solution that works.
I'm so thrilled for Alex, and you, Steve and the other weeflea. I've been known to echo the whole "Ritalin is overprescribed and pushed by the drug companies" party line too. But reading your post, it occurs to me that brain chemistry is a very fragile, sensitive thing and with the amount of toxic crap floating around in our food and the environment it shouldn't be any surprise if there's some substance or combo of substances out there that could be legitimately driving up the ADD rates in the population.
Elizabeth, I read your post yesterday and wanted to leave a comment, but for some reason I can't log on. But YES, our stories are remarkably similar! This is one of the positive benefits to speaking openly about our children and their challenges - it really pinpoints patterns of behavior and ultimately helps give a better understanding of what it's like to be a child with issues along the ADD/ADHD/PDD spectrum, as well as the accompanying parental challenges. Thank you so much for commenting!
I came over by way of finslippy. As an adult with ADD, I cannot describe to you the gift you've given your son. Growing up with ADD and no meds is awful. You feel like such a failure and have no idea why. I wish Tom Cruise read this and then shut up.
I've been reading numerous blogs for years, but very rarely do I read a post that makes me weep. Having two relatively normal kids sometimes makes me a bit judgemental of parents of difficult children. After reading your post, I am ashamed of myself. Thank you for making me see the light.
Good for you, and Alex! :high five:
I'm a mom of three, and a former elementary school teacher, I don't know why I mention that, except that I hope somehow it has more weight when I tell you, I am so sorry that you and your husaband and son had to endure all of that before something worked. It's like the stress involved in having a chronic illness, or identity theft: it just goes on and on and no one believes how bad it is. Bless you and keep up the good work.
Thank you for a well-written post about some of the same difficulties I have had with my son!
I have written a bunch on my blog about my journey towards helping my son. I have been conflicted over the medication debate, as well as other therapies.
Although I don't wish what you have experienced upon everyone, I am glad to have found someone else who has been accused of being a bad parent. I can't stand the looks and the assumptions that I have failed. Most of all, I dislike that people assume my sweet-natured but sometimes possessed son is a failure.
I am very glad that Alex has improved so dramatically. It must be a welcome relief to catch your breath.
Thank you for this post! I was beginning to think I was alone.
Let's change your blog name to Every Day Brings So Many Good Things, I Can't Even Count Them Anymore.
My father is bi-polar. He was diagnosed 13 years ago but my family all lived with "IT" for much longer than that. He alienated most of my relatives with his outbursts and violence. "What is wrong with him? You should leave him, have him committed, etc, etc."
My mom and I learned to walk on egg shells he left in his wake and to consult each other on the "truth" we'd tell him over particular circumstances we'd learned would unglue him. He couldn't hold a job for very long after he turned 35 because of that major temper which eventually got him fired. We'd pray constantly to see the bright side of him and prepare for the worst when it wasn't to be found.
Several hundred Depakote pills later, it's awesome to see the bright side of him almost 90% of the time. Granted, there are swings toward mania that fluctuate back toward depression, but the time in the middle is longer and better.
Congratulations to you and your family for making a decision that is working for your son! Everyone deserves happiness that comes from knowing emotional and mental stability, even if it has to be helped along 3 times a day (or whatever dosage).
Best wishes to you and yours!
Oh, the image of him drawing a picture made me cry. What a beautiful thing you did for your son, how much love and effort to put into making him better. You are amazing parents.
the benefits of ADD medications can be life-changing, but even when they are, they're not worth being miserable over.
i'm 20, diagnosed with ADD when i was 10. ritalin was initially amazing but after a few years (puberty perhaps?) the side affects became unbearable (i was still getting good grades and behaving at home but i felt MISERABLE all the time) and i would avoid taking it. i ended up switching medications, which i have probably done about 4 times now? now i've been taking dexadrine for the past 6 years and it's terrific, but if at some point it starts interacting with my brain or body differently, i'll be at the doctors ASAP, looking for something new.
just a heads-up..
That is so fabulous to hear! My younger daughter has Central Auditory Processing Disability, which is far less debilatating than ADD/ADHD/Asperger's/PDD but... it did cause its share of salad bar-type incidents when she was younger and I, too, was branded a bad mother although my older daughter behaved quite acceptably. Interestingly, no one ever questioned her dad's parenting skills.
I understand your reluctance to put Alex on Ritalin and I'm so glad that it turned out to be the right choice for him. If anyone questions your choice, remind them that denying a child (or adult) Rialin or whatever meds they need to keep their brain chemistry in balance is tantamount to denying a diabetic their insulin.
And to anyone who tells you that you don't know what's best for your child or that you're not doing the best job of mothering that you possibly can, well, bless their heart!
Flea, that is fabulous. I'm so glad it's working for Alex--and that you and Steve are good enough parents to do what's best for him, even if it means eating a little crow Seriously, good for you.
Thank you. Just thank you.
What a wonderful piece. You are a testament to good parenting. In all your tough decisions, you did what you thought was best for your son and THAT is an excrutiating thing to do many times. My son was diagnosed with autism three years ago. We put him into ABA therapy, often considered comparable to dog training, yet his IQ score jumped 89 points in three years and, as of last month's psych evaluation, he was considered Not Autistic.
We have to do what we think is best for our children, our families, and ourselves. No one else should even enter into the equation.
I came here from Finslippy's link and I'm so glad to have found your blog. I have a son who is 13 and has severe ADHD and is bipolar. When he was 7, he started talking about killing himself. When questioned, he had a plan. The child was so unhappy and so unable to focus and so socially out there that he was planning his own death because I thought medication was bad. I finally took him to a psychopharm and we started on the long road to finding the right RX. We started with Adderall, which made him zombie like, and scared me half to death. We moved to Dexadrine, which worked but he developed verbal and physical tics, so that had to be discontinued. Then we moved onto Concerta, and that has worked well for him for years now. He can't even have one day without it because he is so hyper that he can't control his impulses.
As he got older, his impulses got more and more dangerous. He started firesetting, and he jumped off the roof of our porch. I had him hospitalized for 9 weeks while we searched for better answers. Turns out that not only is he ADHD, but bipolar as well. So the investigation turned to new drugs, most of which I was petrified to even consider. We tried a couple of antipsychotics before we stumbled on Abilify. This is a miracle drug. I've never seen anything quite like the change that my child exhibited once we got the right combination of meds. We've gone through 3 separate episodes of suicidal issues, we've had two hospitalizations, we've had a year of special school, and now he's home, he's in regular high school, he's a straight A student, and he's a regular boy. A normal, not nuts, not impulsive, not dangerous, not violent boy.
Meds did make the difference for my boy. I went from a "no way you're going to medicate MY child" to, "wow, meds changed my kid from someone I was scared of to someone I can't believe I could love so much and enjoy so much". The difference is amazing.
As Alex grows older, meds are going to need adjustments and you might have to make new decisions. Be ever watchful to make sure he's getting the right meds and the right dosages, and watch for the rebound effect. That alone can make you want to run away from home.
I want to add myself to the list of people who were moved by this post. =) Thank you again for all your honesty!
What a wonderful article. I do believe that a lot of children are given Ritalin that don't need it, and it seems that the ones that really do need it don't get it.
Kudos to you for being so honest and open about your story. I bet you have helped a lot of parents who go through the same thing. As mother's we take everything on ourselves, and sometimes, a lot of the time, it really just isn't our fault.
YES YES YES!!! I get so tired of having to defend my son's use of Adderal.
It has changed his life, and ours.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I can only hope that other parents facing the same issues will find this and stories like it to help give them answers and peace about what is a very difficult decision to make regarding your children.
You are a wonderful mother for facing all that you did and making the decisions you had to make and then sharing it with the internet.
Holy crap, I can't believe you and your family had to go through all of that just to get the Ritalin! I don't understand why parents aren't allowed to just try the Ritalin first; if it doesn't work then discontinue it. I was diagnosed as ADHD when I was 5; I still have adult ADD and wish I could afford Strattera. I hate having my brain move two steps faster then the rest of me.
Thank goodness it does work, both for you and Alex. Found you via finslippy.
well said. i, like many people, think ritalin CAN be overprescribed but OF COURSE there are people who genuinely benefit from it's use. i am so very happy for Alex and for you. i'm glad Alice linked this story on her site. i am better for reading it. thank you for sharing your heart.
I just want to make a comment for all the parents/people living with folks who have ADD, but don't have it themselves.
I can understand (sorta) the whole "I don't want to resort to meds", but I don't. Because you aren't living it. You don't know what it is like. You don't have to deal with it everyday. Yes you have to live with it, as the parent, sibling, son, daughter, etc. BUT you are not the one that gets yelled at because you just can't control the impulse.
Please, think really hard about the whole no meds track. Think of the side affects of what you are doing to the person in your life who is struggling with this disorder.
I have ADD, I had ADHD when I was a kid. I think back today on all the so inappropriate things I did at school and in my life because I was being impulsive. I think back to my poor grades and my late attendance, and the extreme social awkwardness I lived through.
I am NOT saying that meds would have made that all better, high school sucks no matter who you are. I am saying that today, as a 29 year old adult, I can see where I would have said/done such a thing that I can now slow my brain down enough to stop that impulse before I embarrass the shit out of myself and put my job in jeopardy.
Please, think carefully about the meds. I know it's not right for everyone, and people are (rightfully) considered about overmedication. Just please consider the other side. Please.
Flea, I don't mean to turn this into a fight or an arguement, and you can delete this if you feel I've crossed the line. I'm just concern because I see so many folks posting who don't live with ADD, but have an opinion on the meds. - Thanks
Finslippy pointed me over here and I just wanted to say "Bravo - well said!"
I don't talk about it much on my own blog but my family has gone through similar issues with my younger sister (who I am now raising - she's 15). I thank god (and Jim Beam) every day for the meds.
Flea, I'm so happy for all of you. You are an amazing mom, and I see it every time you write about your kids. To the child free asshats, I say a hearty fuck you.
My 15 year old stepson is ADHD, Asperger's and (supposedly) bi-polar. Every morning he takes a handful of pills and then two more at night. Adderal, Wellbutrin, Depakote and Abilify. Thank the good Lord for Abilify. It's what finally worked. But of course - he has to take this entire cocktail to make it work. We've tried weaning him off different pills - but it's this combination that has done it. He's tried every drug out there. We've gone completely drug-free. This works. He still attends a special school that has a day program for behavior problems. But he started taking two classes at his local high school. The teachers and counselors told us just last spring that they didn't think that he'd EVER do that.
It's hard. So very difficult. Glad you found something that works for you.
Wow. What a compelling story. I just want to congratulate you on taking a stand that medication, when used correctly can really HELP people. Thank you for sharing.
wow thanks so much for sharing a story about parent's who didn't want to put their kids on Ritalin.
your story made me cry. it's heartbrakiing to know you can't fix your child and I can only imagine how rough it was for you.
Great story and good luck with your kids and your finances.
I had a boss from TX who taught me a variation on "bless your heart" for these sorts of occasions - and I use it all the time - "bless your pointy little head". Does wonders for my mood just thinking about it.
I'm an adult with ADD, and my mother and sister have ADHD. I was on dexedrine as a teenager, and have been on Ritalin as an adult for 10 years. I could not have completed college without it, but it's also wonderful for not being too terribly distracted at boring jobs (i.e., all of them).
I'm a "sensible" childless woman, and I'm outraged at the people on that childfree forum. That's just wrong, and I'm so sorry you were hurt by it.
If you ever want to adopt a 39 y.o. woman originally from Chicagoland - I know, I'm older than you are - drop me a line. I wish my parents had cared for me a fraction as much as you do for your kids.
Thanks for making me laugh and cry and *feel*.
Powerful powerful psot. Thank you so much.
I'm so, so glad for your family and Alex. It must be an amazing feeling to find something that works for him.
Simply amazing. Thank you for the education, and I wish you and your family the very best.
This nearly made me cry. Partly because I understand every word, partly because I'm so happy for you and for Alex, and partly because for us, that last-ditch solution turned out not to be a solution. But this post...I just want to print out a thousand copies and air-drop it over the damned city.
OMG - this is almost *exactly* what I went thru with my daughter, now 8.
Seriously, if it weren't for Ritalin (or Concerta, which she is on now), either she'd be dead or I'd be in jail for attempted murder.
She went, in *1* week, from the demon-child with Mom's work # on the Principal's speed dial (the #1 button, I might add) to Honor student extroidinaire.
Ritialin is a life-saver!
verna
Hi there- what a wonderful story. I think that universally demonizing a treatment that has clearly worked in some cases is idiotic. At the same time however, I find it hard to believe that 15-20% of male children in the U.S. have the kind of symptoms that your son had. I write to tell you that the medication need not be life long. I was given Ritalin between the ages of 4-7. My mother says it allowed her to finally slow me down long enough to teach me how behave and stimulate my mind in acceptable ways. She began to ween the meds down around the age of six, and I was off them by seven. This is not to say that I have not had issues throughout the rest of my life, but I believe that learning how to deal with impulse control without the use of medications is a lesson everyone learns throughout life, especially during childhood and adolescence. I know the trend now is to keep patients on the meds for the rest of thier lives, but as your son grows and matures, do consider a controlled withdrawal of them before the pre-teen years to see if he can manage without them. Don't let the miracle of his changed behavior blind you to the fact that his brain chemistry may have changed due to maturity, and Ritalin mayu no longer be needed at some point.
all the best
Excellent! I know from experience the problems you have had. My son is now 17 and will be 18 in three months. He had ADD and a host of other diagnosis. Luckily he wasn't full of bottled energy. It is hard and you will be embarresed by so much especially when they get older. Keep up the good work and don't let anyone get you down. He is to important and you are making it better, even if others don't think so. I know the kids with these issues feel different and know there is something wrong with them and they know you are trying to fix it. These children are often very intelligent. Good Luck
Wow. Just...wow. I'm happy that you found what works. Thanks for sharing this. *hugs*
I know I'm two days late finding this post, but I just have to tell you thank you for bringing this struggle to light for so many.
I have often read your entries on your son and realized EXACTLY how you feel (NO! I mean it, EXACTLY) and just sat there crying because I was so relieved to know I wasn't the only one with this struggle, not to mention the added war that you wage against yourself with "what did I do wrong? I'm Mom, why can't I fix this" I knew the day my child was born he was 'different', even though he was my first. I may have had more earlier if he had not just been so hard to handle. I slipped up and had a second, and we call that one the Anniversary Gift That Just Keeps On Giving, which I am so blessed to have, but you couldn't tell me that when I found out I was pregannt with him and just had this idea he would be a carbon copy of #1 and all the heartache and tears that went with it - after all, it must be MY fault, I can't raise a child right.
I don't know about everyone, but I see my children as a reflection of myself, and quite honestly, I didn't like what I saw with my first, the reactions others had to him and his lacking social skills...you know what I am talking about. It all almost drove me insane. Then, after much testing and counseling, behavior modifications, and IQ tests which placed him above average with no learning disorder, I relented and gave in to medication, Ritalin also, and things have honestly been so much better.
I truly hope you get the peace of mind I have from it. It doesnt change your child's personality, or dull them down - all things I was so worried about. My child is really a bright, funny, smart child, but it took a lot of patience from anyone to get to the point to appreciate those aspects of his personality. It just slows them down enough to hear you and let things sink in. After the first dose for my son, I was amazed at the difference in his handwriting and the child sat down and read a whole paragraph of a story - without stopping 14 times to stray in another direction. Most of all, I appreciated the quiet in MY HEAD that came from not having to scream constantly, every day, all day, to get the simplest things accomplished. I hated hearing it and I know my family did too.
Bless you - and things will ONLY get better. You wait and see. It may be slow and gradual, but you will see it eventually as a whole and be so proud your heart will bust out of your chest.
Beautiful writing here.
After 30-something years of going around feeling as if my brain was freakin' on fire, I finally discovered the correct anti-depressant and Oh God what I would give to have had it when I was a kid/teenager. How wonderful that you have found what your boy needs to be the child that he truly is.
By the way, there are several iterations of 'Bless Your Heart'. But it is greatly effective as the ultimate go fuck yourself. It's all in how you drawl it out. I hope you drawl it out like nobody's business to those who deserve it.
I, too, loved this post. You and the commenters give me faith in humanity.
Oh, I just love you!
My son is 4 and 1/2 and he has the PDD. I hear you, sister. I think you are AMAZING!
This is just a beautiful, beautiful post. I've never seen it said so well. What lucky kids, to have such a wise and wonderful mama. Bless you all (but NOT 'bless your heart') and all the best of luck to you and your dear ones.
Oh, what a great piece of writing.
I am so happy your boy is doing well now.
I don't know when the time will come when people understand that different things work for different people.
You're a good mom.
Just awesome. Alex sounds like a great kid, and whatever it takes to allow him to consistently show that to the world, I am all for it.
I am vaguely sad that you spent so long knowing something was just not right and worse, thinking it was your fault. But now it's a new chapter, you and your son growing together. (Man, I'm cheesy after a glass of wine.)
(Also: I think I know EXACTLY who the World's Hottest Muslim is, and I wholeheartedly concur.)
The last part of this post really spoke to me! Partly because my child is on her 11th drug I think, but also because my Mother is from the South - I now get the "Bless your heart" comments she sometimes made during a fight. Thank you!
I'm so happy for you all that you've finally found something to help Alex become the sweet little kid he is.
I was just like Alex until I started taking Ritalin, and it used to drive me crazy how people thought I was a bad kid, that my parents just needed to spank me more or whatever (for the record: got my ass whupped regularly. Didn't help.)
But when I started taking Ritalin, it was like all of a sudden I could hear people speak, and it didn't sound like the teachers in the Charlie Brown cartoons.
Ritalin *is* overprescribed, and there are plenty of lazy parents who hope their kid has ADHD rather than face the possibility that they need to consistently discipline him/her. But sometimes, it's the real thing. And when it is, Ritalin levels the playing field and helps kids become their best selves.
Good for you all for not being afraid to do the best thing for your son.
This was awesome. I'm an OT who's all for doing whatever works. Good for you, and GREAT for Alex. You should send this to the Tribune as an op-ed. More people need to hear your message.
I came to visit via SBFH and I am glad I did. You are a magnificent Mother. What a trial you all went through, and with your sanity intact at the end!
I agree that this is a good op-ed or submission for a Parenting magazine. More people DO need to hear this, to dispel the hurtful myths about the disorder and the treatment. I haven't lived through what you did, my boys are 2 and 4, and so far their rowdiness is aggravating, but seemingly normal. I think. But I needed to see this anyway, so that I could keep an open mind about this very important dilemma many parents face.
after a visit with my parents's couples therapist (when they were going through a rough patch) where she asked my sister and i to draw pictures of our family, i looked up some of the basic interpretations of them.
that picture that alex drew? that's a picture that a happy kid who is secure in his family and their love drew. just so you know.
An amazing, touching story. I hope that I can keep your honest and heartfelt post in my mind whenever I encounter a child who doesn't act like I want them to, including my own.
Wow. That was such powerful post. I am thrilled for you and your family that the Ritalin is working for Alex. I can't even begin to imagine the angst and utter exhaustion you and yours have gone through. So glad you are entering a new phase with Alex.
Found out about you through friday playdate.
This post should be published. I don't mean online. I mean in a mazagine, newspaper, something. What an amazing story. What a wonderful ending.
I'm so, so happy for you, and everyone in your family.
I came vie finslippy as well. I have no ADD in my family, have no experience first or second hand with Ritalin or anything of the sort... but I can say that your story really touched my heart. Your honesty is beautiful, and your persistence and love for that child make you a fantastic mother.
Fantastic read, thanks!
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. You did everything a good mother would do for that child, despite all the criticism. That situation would make anyone doubt their skills as a parent. I'm so happy for you and for Alex that you found something that works.
My brother was one of the ones who just didn't want to try very hard, my parents found someone who said he had ADHD, which was bullshit. He was in middle school already. I can't remember if he ever took meds, but time has proven me right. I hate to think that my family was part of the problem causing all the ritalin backlash.
Congrats on being able to find the Thing That Works. I hope that it's only up from here.
And really, please submit this somewhere. Parenting. Mothering. Any parenting mag should jump at the chance to publish this story. It may help some big mouth asshole think the next time they judge a parent with a special needs child as lazy.
If they have a problem with the Ritalin, well bless their hearts...
You do what you have to do...you KNOW you aren't just leaning on a crutch...you know what you have done to help your son. You are amazing...
You are helping your son...no one in the world should fault you for that.
Yay for Flea and Flea's family!
And especially kudos to you for being willing to change your mind and try what might be right for the kid, even if it meant eating your words.
There's so many comments, so many saying "that's my same story too", I'm not sure if this one will even be read. Despite that, I just have to share because your post was so moving.
This is the first time I've read your blog. I really wish I'd found it before because just this one post helps me get through my life a little bit easier. Just sharing your story, so openly, really helps people, and you can feel good about that.
My son is three, and the past year has been the worst of my life. I can't imagine 6 years of going through what you went through. He was diagnosed with PDD and then Asperger's. Apparently in California that isn't "autistic enough" because funding for all the things Charlie needs stopped when he turned three.
Now, we are at the mercy of the school district, and still in the process of fighting them to do their job. In the meantime we have been SO BLESSED to have Charlie accepted into a foundation that pays for medical bills. Both sides of our family are the ones contributing to that fund, and now Charlie is attending the school that gives him all the sppech, OT and ABA that he really needs. He doesn't have to wait for the school to do their job, though we've had to hire an attorney (only from donations from others) to try and make sure they do. We've not been to bankruptcy yet, but it feels some days like we are heading there. All those non-covered medical bills, evaluations, treatments out of pocket. Been there, done that. I would do it again.
Its been so much stress, so hard living with him, and for the last three weeks since he started at this school, getting ABA, I've met the son I always thought I would have. He came home the other day and said "I missed you mommy". This from a child who has never wanted to give or receive any affection and wasn't even speaking a year ago (before speech therapy). After that we sat down and he wanted me to read him a book for the first time in his entire life.
I know what you are feeling, the anguish of seeing your child never be peaceful, and the joy as you see them come out of their fog. I'm so happy for you guys to have found something that works for your son. Words fail me, honestly.
I'm thrilled to have found you, to add you to my little circle of daily reading. Thanks so much for sharing!
God, Girl. Go get 'em.
Congratulations. A beautiful letter.
OK, I'll admit, I'm one of those VERY obnoxious people who blathers off handedly about ADD being a fad and a failure of our education and nutrition systems blah blah blah. I have to say to you that I am so sorry for my casual snobbery over something I know nothing about and have no direct experience with. You write so beautifully about your struggles (that Moms of any kind of kid can relate to) that I am whole heartedly convinced you've done the right thing. You all deserve to bask in the glow of your continued family success. Thank you for writing this piece and sharing it with the world.
Humbly and lovingly,
Emi
Holy smokes! Over 130 posts already? There must be something big going on! OH YEAH -- You just (well, a couple days ago just) wrote an awesome post about Alex!
Flea, I am so glad that you found something that works for Alex. I've read through all of the comments, and like many, I grew up on Ritalin. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was five and started Ritalin soon thereafter, and my mother says that when she gave me my first dose, she walked into the living room and saw me Sitting On The Couch. Not running around, not squirming, not bouncing, just... sitting. She says that I had never done that before. I was always vaguely embarrassed about having to go to the nurse every day to take my pill, but it was never a big deal. Mom had another story, too, which I hope will strengthen your convictions that you are doing the right thing: I was sitting by myself on the steps to the laundry room one day, and as she passed by, she heard me talking to myself. I was saying, "Sometimes I tell mommy and daddy that I don't like to take my pill, but really, it makes me feel better. I like how it makes me feel." Someone up above said that after her son started taking meds, he could hear himself think, and she could hear HERSELF think and she didn't spend all day yelling. That's such a big thing; when kids can't control their behavior and parents are constantly yelling at them, it makes them feel so bad. They know they aren't bad, but after being told that they're lazy or stupid or being yelled at all the time, they start to believe it. And Morrigan25, I think you're right on the mark. If you don't know firsthand, don't criticize.
And that's all. Big hearts and hugs all around.
Thank you for this.
ok, now I'm crying! You are an incredible mom! In all seriousiness, bless you and all the other parents who have the same journey.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for de-mystifying what it's like for a family dealing with a child with ADD/HD. It was like someone observed our family then wrote this post. Thank you!
Oh well, that's hard...I can just imagine. I have a 3 year old that has very strong personality and people around just put their noses on my way to discipline him. I am the mother here and I am the one that take care of him. Of course that this doesn't mean I know the best for him, but I am sure I do my best. People make us feel so bad sometimes with their lessons...fuck them. Sorry, your post is very strong. I think after trying and struggling around with so many options, you probaly did what's gonna be a ok solution for your son. We, parents, deserve to live and breathe.
I'm probably repeating a story told over and over in the comments above... In your description of your little boy, I see one of my daughters. We got our diagnosis last year, but she is older and we're trying it with no meds right now. But I ate the same crow you probably did when the issue faced ME, when it was MY baby who was being socially ostracized and it was MY baby who felt like she couldn't do anything right.
We might be in the Ritalin line in a bit. We're starting this school year without it and we'll see what happens...
I'm so glad your boy found his footing (with the help from some dedicated KICK ASS parents!).
I have one kid with Aspberger's and one who is bipolar with ADHD. They are 17 and 15. All I can say is hang in there. It's a journey. From each little step, whether it works out or not, you learn something. Eventually, you look back and see all the amazing things you've accomplished with him. We're really lucky where we live in that we have lots of services. One son is in a Day Treatment program, where he gets counselling, psychiatric services, and small classes where the teachers are counsellors too. People :cough:my mother:cough: still tell me I need to get him in a "normal" school. I finally asked her if she could see him go to his locker in the morning, get his books for his first class, go to class, and THEN go *back* to his locker to get books for his next class and go to *that* class. There is no way!
When I get "judged" by somone who doesn't have kids, I always say"I was a perfect parent before I had kids too!" One of our friends, who has no kids, gave us childcare "advice" for 12 years before I thought of that one. I've got my revenge, because he's now living with a woman with 2 teenaged boys! Hahahahahahahaha!
Good luck!
Although I do worry about the overprescription of it, I've never questioned that Ritalin was a valuable drug. From kindergarten through second grade, there was a boy in my class that terrorized the entire school system. Much of his behavior was similar what you've told us about Alex. All the kids were terrified of this one little demon.
In third grade, he got Ritalin--and I got a brilliant, funny, loving, and talented best friend that I cherish to this day. It wasn't so much that he was a different person--he was a PERSON. Instead of a half-wild jungle boy. I'm 42 now, and I shudder to think about the wonderful human that could have been lost if there was no Ritalin.
Beautiful post.
There are a lot of reasons for the "overprescribed" argument, not least of which is probably the puritanical "bootstraps" contention.
But insofar as prescribing...see, it's not the prescribing of the medication that's the problem. It's that so many insurance companies won't cover all the stuff that has to accompany the medication in order for it to work. That means the regular blood tests that may be needed to gauge, for example, liver function, as well as the on-going talk therapy or occupational/physical therapy.
If you're even lucky enough to have insurance, it's very likely to only cover 20 psychotherapy visits in a calendar year, which is woefully inadequate when you're talking about conditions like major depression, ADHD, bi-polar disorder.
The insurance industry wants these drugs to be administered as a replacement for, not an adjunct to the hard work of psychiatry. Flea, your post makes it so clear that Ritalin is a vital tool that you and your husband are using to help your son build a healthy life. You've had to fight for every bit of additional help and information. You've ended up pretty much impoverished along the way. You guys are highly intelligent and extremely resourceful, and it's taken all you have to get this far.
If a family is told, "Here's the Ritalin, see you in a year. Next!" you know there's going to be a lot of wreckage along the way. Regular folks ought to be able to benefit from the system, regular folks who aren't nearly so gifted as you and your husband.
Some fortunate people will benefit enough from the Ritalin alone that they'll be able to struggle their way into a decent life. Others won't be helped by the Ritalin, but because they're not working closely with medical providers, they won't be well-monitored, and they won't get switched to a different dose or a different medication.
The problem is not Ritalin, but when the solution is Ritalin and nothing else, well, it's a shaky solution at best. It sure ain't Intelligent Design.
PS: your description of your son's first non-purply/black family drawing brought me to tears, too.
I think the difference is to criticize the over-prescribing, mis-prescribing, mis-use of Ritalin, but not to criticize/badmouth Ritalin itself. Obviously, there are those for whom it is the right thing, a good match. It is great that you all have found your solution, the real Alex is shining through, and you have some relief and the opportunity now for pride. Thank you for sharing this (well-written!) story.
OMG, woman! You are gifted in so many many ways. Writer, warrior, but *especially* mother. Your boys are very lucky.
As far as those folks who are so free w/ their opinions and advice re: your alleged shortcomings... unless they've walked in your shoes, they need to pipe down. Bless their hearts! (love that - going to have to remember it for my next IEP mtg!!!).
Thanks for a story that brings back memories, and gives me hope!
Thnks so much for sharing from your heart....God Bless you and your family!
Medication exists so we dont have to spend our lives miserable. So many psychiatric illnesses go under treated because people think they somehow doing a wrong thing by treating a real problem. But these phantasmic diseases and developmental problems are coming out of the shadows and hopefully people will come to understand they are real issues with real solutions and people deserve normal lives and to have those solutions. Sharing your story is a great step in bringing these problems out of the shadows and into good medical care.
I came here via finslippy as well. What an amazing story...I'm childless but I can fully appreciate that bringing up even "normal" children is a lot of work. I am horrified at what you had to go through, and so very happy that Ritalin has helped your family. My sister takes Prozac, and she couldn't bear to go back to the years she spent in a depression before chemical intervention. As for me, I'll be on thyroid meds for the rest of my life, and when I am undermedicated I get depressed too. If your son needs some chemical intervention, so be it. Believe me, for anyone who needs pharmaceutical assistance, it's like coming into the light when you finally get it.
Give yourself some words of praise and bless the hearts of those 'childfree' asshats. You've done the right thing.
I think you ought to get the Nobel Parents prize.
The most telling need for the 'childfree' program was obviously 9 months before ths childfreers were born. Bless their hearts and their little brains.
I just came across your website and could feel your pain reading your post. As the parent of a "spirited" "high needs" child I finish the day exhausted, ususally wondering how the hell I'll do it over again the next day. I think Ritalin certainly has it's place, and it sounds like it is going to enhance your son's life greatly (and yours). Good for you guys, and to hell with anyone who thinks differently.
Just wanted to say that your post literally brought me to tears. I know what a struggle it is to get people to understand things like this. If you've finally found something that works, then good for you. You and your child deserve it.
Fantastic post.
I'm glad you found the answer. Now you can enjoy your child and your child can enjoy life.
You know, you exhausted every other effort to make things better for your child, you did not immediately turn to drugs - turning to drugs did not and never will make you a bad parent. You are not one of the people that is lazy, that does not want to teach their children good behavior - there are lazy parents that rely on the drug simply to make their life better. You rely on the drug to allow your child to have a life - that can never be a bad thing.
Good for you!! Forget those people who try to burn you, who think that they know better... they just don't know, period. You did what you had to do for your son, and he is better now for it. That is all that matters.
I have a 7 year old daughter who is the epitome of a classic-ADHD-boy (what-with the typical ADD girl being a daydreamer... not my kid). There's really not much more that needs to be said because I think you'll understand when I say that reading this post made me cry for so many reasons. Sadness for the past, regret, remembrance, happiness for the realization, excitement for her future, acceptance from others like me, understanding from others, etc. The list could go on and on. It's just so good to know that other people have gone through the same/similar process and come out the other side with something positive to share. I wish you and yours the best.
Misty
Late to the party -- Amanda at Pandagon referred me to the "Jane" post, then I started reading your other posts ...
I *was* the classic ADD-daydreamer girl who morphed into a much more obnoxious motor-mouth ADD adult. I had no idea why I was became so angry in a long grocery line that I practically hyperventilated, or why I flew into a rage when someone at work interrupted my task to ask me a question. Thank God a counselor said to me, "My son and husband have ADD -- have you ever gotten checked for it?"
I was diagnosed at the age of 35, and I've been on Adderall now for five years. Counting the Effexor I take for my depression, I really know the meaning of "better living through chemistry."
Frankly, people who don't have ADD or depression OR who don't live w/someone who has ADD or depression can just kiss our behinds when it comes to the use of meds to address these disorders. Nobody would say to me, "You're not going to have wear contact lenses THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, are you? I mean, you'll get over the nearsightedness thing, right?" So they can damn well keep their mouths shut about what we do to mend our minds.
P.S. I'm a sensible "child-free" person who is horrified that you'd be dissed on a child-free forum. Those people suck, and they don't represent all of us who don't have kids.
I AM FROM THE SOUTH--TELL THOSE PEOPLE TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES! AS A SOUTHERNER I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO COMPLETLEY SKIP THE BLESS YOUR HEART AND GO STRAIGHT FOR THE FUCK YOURSELF. EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT EVER MADE YOU FEEL LIKE A BAD MOTHER IS A HORRIBLE PERSON AND WILL RECEIVE THEIR DUE BAD KARMA. I CONSIDER YOU VERY LUCKY WITH TWO GREAT SONS--JUST REMEMBER THAT NOTHING IS WORTH HAVING IF YOU DON'T FIGHT FOR IT. ALEX WILL THANK YOU WHEN HE IS OLDER.
hi... I've never read your blog before, I got here via a link posted on flinslippy.com. I am so moved by your story of your son's journey. imagine what it was like being him before medication! as a teacher I have seen the difference Ritalin can make in a child's life and a family's joy. of course I believe all other avenues should be exhausted before jumping on the ritalin wagon... but as you've shown, it can change lives. Bless you (and not in the Southern way you mentioned :] )
I loved this blog, it hits so close to home, my son also is ADD and it took so much to get me to admit he had a problem and I wasn't a terrible mother. Putting him on medication was like going from constant Fast Forward to Play. I remember the day because the it was the first time I could breath. I love my son to death and the medication has allowed others to love him as well. Keep up the faith.
Haven't read the whole long comment thread -- but when my beloved late younger brother finally found ritalin in his late 20s, after Cs and Ds in school his whole life, after three colleges, after losing jobs -- he looked at me and said "This is how normal people think!? -- No wonder they can get things done!" He spent the last ten years of his life telling Mom after Mom that they should try the drugs. That thinking you needed meds was, in the long run, less damaging to one's self esteem than thinking you were dumb or bad your whole life. Give the boy the help he needs.
I could so identify with what you wrote.
this brought me to tears. was brought here by finslippy's site (1st time visitor to both). had to write to tell you that while i have recognized the need, i too lean toward the cold rationale that too much is dispensed. but here you are, and here i sit crying. i will be less judgemental. best of luck to you with your great family.
YES!!
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I would give my right arm to make my little boy "normal". Instead, I love him as hard as I can and fight with teachers and doctors to get him what he needs.
Just found you---I check Mr. Bérubé a coupla times a day too---tried Ritalin for our autistic son Charlie with poor results but other meds have been good. Am checking our your blog now.
Hi there... Just happened to read your blog while searching for info on ADD. I have no kids, but I teach 107 6th graders a day. I have one student that is soooo severely ADHD, but his mom refuses to medicate him. She says she has "heard" that it leads to sterilization. What a bunch of codswollop! Congrats to you for making the BEST possible choice for your child! Much success for your future!
I was so touched by your blog and felt so compelled to write you. Normally, I wouldn't email strangers but lately "normal" has become subjective in my eyes.
As I'm typing this, my wonderful yet challenging 4 1/2 year old son is 20 miles away from me with my mother (who not only volunteered to watch her grandson for a week but also happens to be battling breast cancer) because he has been kicked out of his third daycare in the past six months.(this last one was the record -a whopping three days).
Being a single parent and tapped out of childcare resources, I'm trying to buy time until (1. My son's appt with a psychiatrist @ Riley Hospital that specializes in behavior disorders and (2. I find a childcare provider/saint who would be willing to take on a mini-tsunami who wreaks havoc on everything in his wake.
I'm so exhausted but am committed to my son's success. I just want to say "THANK YOU!" Thank you for sharing your story, thank you for validating my feelings and thank you for letting me know that that we aren't the only family in the world who has experienced a similiar struggle.
I pray that Alex and your family are well and wish you nothing but the best.
If there is any additional words of wisdom and/of information you can share, please email me @ Dbroadnax72@aol.com, it would be most appreciated.
God bless!
OMG--Thank you so much for publishing your experience! We are going through exactly the same thing with our son and his behavior mirrors Alex's to the point where I could have inserted my son's name. My son doesn't do well socially. He can't focus yet when he does (barely) he is smart. It's not that he can't do the work. (he's in 1st grade) He is also very inappropriate in his behavior at times.
I was researching Ritalin (his doctor suggest that I put him on it) and after all the horror stories I read, I found your blog.
Thank you so much!!
Kathy
Thank you for writing this. I can see 165 comments later that I'm not the only one touched by this, but your story has truly had such an impact on helping me with my own situation I am compelled to thank you. So again, thank you for your words of wisdom and humor, I can guaratee they are helping more people than you know.
Wow... what a fantastic thing to read.
Thanks sooo much for your story - it's amazing how much I can relate to.
Always great to know someone else understands!
And I love the 'bless your heart' lol I may have to start using that!
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