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once again, I am without words.
That was beautiful, despite of itīs regrettable content.
I am so happy that you are a parent, and so sad that you have to go through so much shit (pardon the language) throughout your life.
I just donīt have the words to express what this post has made me feel, so Iīll leave it at this.
-Linda
Wow. And wow.
I am so proud to know you.
Thank you.
Oh, flea.
I think your boys will know to do the right thing. You and Steve are raising good (future) men.
I opened the comment window and realized that there was nothing I could really say. You write beautifully. I'm saving this one for my kids when they get a little older.
I'm just going to send my two boys to you to raise, okay? You've summed up everything I hope to teach them perfectly so I'm confident you'll do a great job and it will free up my time to concentrate on tequila and catching up on lost sleep. Oh, the younger one (age 7) is autistic...that's not a problem is it? ;o)
It is an important lesson that cannot be stressed too strongly. Certainly you are speaking from a position of knowledge. Yet there is one thing I am concerned about.
While harming the kittens would be terrible and wrong, I don't believe it means the child is a failure. People need to know that they can make a mistake and that they can try to make amends. The important thing is to not do it again. There must be some forgiveness in the world.
Wow. You really have a way with words. I'm truly sorry for the experiences you write this from, but your words are powerful. Your boys will learn so much with you as their mother, they will learn what all men ought to learn.
(((((((flea)))))))
I agree, LaurieM., I'm not crazy about my phrasing there, either. Sometimes the sentences don't work out the way I would like them to. It's the failure of the medium that everything is a first draft.
Oh, flea. Oh, flea. I can't think what to say.
This one, I am saving and printing, just in case. Thank you for writing and for posting it.
Nothing to add, but couldn't let this post go without acknowledgment. Thinking of you.
Today I wrote about the choice between what is right and what is easy.
All we can do flea is keep pointing out to our children that these are choices - choices they can make. All we can do is show them that we make the choices too.
Oh, flea. You made me cry.
You are so many kinds of good things. I am sure your boys will be too.
Dear flea,
You are an insparation as a mother and human being. (I'm crying as I type this, it hit me hard because of my own past).
It's a horribly overused cliche, but that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, and you are by far one of the strongest people I have had the honor to learn about.
Blessings to you and your family, they are richly deserved.
I hate that there are so many women who understand all too well what you're going to teach your sons.
I'm one of them, so "me, too."
I was directed here by something written on another blog and all I can say is...wow. Words escape me. I'm sorry for the horror that you had to endure back in 87 but it has served to make you fully understand "the lesson" better than most could ever want to. We are a gay couple with four adopted small kids (who's background is also one of horror). I can only hope that we are as successful in teaching them these things as I'm certain you will be with your boys. Great post and thank you for sharing.
This made me cry. I rarely, if ever cry, but this made me cry. Damn it.
From another survivor; *thank you*.
I sincerely wish all the children could be raised by people like you and Steve.
Beautiful, Flea, and heartbreaking. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm sure your boys will be so much better men.
Thank you for this Flea. I'm so angry at those boys and at those who let them off. So angry its turned into despair and sadness.
Knowing there are parents like you and boys like your's makes it a little better though, and gives me a little bit of hope.
That job description covers it, Flea. Thank you so much. I will save this for the four-year-old running around our house alternating petting and scaring the cats.
I may print this out and edit it for my own little one. Thank you.
Damn it, I'm crying now. But thank you. I don't know what it takes to make the Hugh Thompsons of the world, but parents like you must be up there.
I'm crying as I write this.
I'm not sure that there's anything I can say that can make it better for you--but you've just reminded me why I need to keep fighting for a better world.
If I ever decide that I want to have children, I hope that I am half as good of a parent as you and Steve are.
Thank you so much for posting this.
Flea, you and Steve are doing a hell of a job, and it shows. All children deserve parents like you.
I think I need to start a file of things I want my son to read one day. This will need to go in it. Thank you, flea.
thank you - reading this really makes a difference in my own confusion about a situation in my past and what happened. calling attention to the problem of doing nothing or doing the wrong thing is especially important; so many people don't even feel bad for shaming someone who has experienced sexual assault... thanks for all of your great writing (i happened upon this a few weeks ago and have been going back and reading the archives and what not...)
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I don't know what to say either, other than thank you and I am sorry for what you and many others, including myself, have been through.
Beautiful writing. I think I'll also print this out for my son to read someday.
Thank you for writing this.
That is so strong and makes me want to write my own letter to my son. Thank you.
I tend to lurk on your site. Yet I had to say that this was so powerful and you write brilliantly. I cried and that is rare for me when reading posts. I'm sorry no one was there to protect you and I know you are raising your boys to be the best human beings they can be. Thank you.
Amazing. Thank you for writing that. I too will save it for my two sons to read one day.
[Standing and applauding]
Wow. Just wow. You are a strong, incredible woman I am honored to have met.
Thank you Flea, I am in love with a woman who was raped. Your insight really helped me as I try to understand how such a thing affects the daily life of survivors. Thank you so much for sharing this with your sons and with us. I liked Princess of Cybermob's hug:
(((((((flea)))))))))
another crying de-lurking mama here.
no words, just love and admiration.
flea. ((((flea.))))
I live in Chicago, and I'm still shaking over this travesty. But now what I'm going to do is print your words out and show them to the women at work - the WOMEN!! - who said that the videotape must have showed "something" that led to the aquittal. By "something" they meant willingness and consent on the girl's part, of course. Your writing will help fill in the vacuum left by my slack-jawed response to their idiocy.
Your writing once again stuns me. Why the fuck aren't any publishers, um, PAYING you for this?
Oh wow.
I hope that my children are able to learn this lesson as well.
And I hope that when I explain it to them, I can be as eloquent as you are.
Thank you Flea.
Wow, I'm glad I'm not the only one crying.
This Chicago case has been bothering SO much, ugh, I could barely stand it.
I wanted to SCREAM at the Judge threatening to make that poor girl watch that video tape.
And I wanted to SCREAM at that man's mother for hugging her son with such joy after he was acquitted. I wanted to know how she could raise a son like that. What kind of animal does that to another human being? And what kind of person raises such an animal?
Thank you SO much, flea, for this eloquent piece and for sharing.
Wow.
This is the first time I have been on your blog. I am so moved. You are a wonderful writer and parent.
(o)
Flea, you're on inspiration. And not in a cheesy way, like that Chicago song. But in the real world way. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
I listened to the interview that this young man, no strike that, arrogant asshole had with Walter Jacobson. He says he feels victimized because he was being charged with "like, 140 felony counts".
As I was reading your history of My Lai, I knew where you were going, and I'm so glad you went there.
If my son took part in this gang rape (I firmly believe that a 16 year old cannot legally consent), I would have beat his stupid ass. I would not have been proud of him, I would not have sent him out of the country. I am fortunate that my son knows right from wrong, and I will continue to show him the difference.
The asshole in this case did something very WRONG. Perhaps not criminal in this sorry court of law, but certainly it was morally wrong and evil.
This asshole should be condemned, his parents should be condemned, and anyone who stands with him should be condemned.
It was WRONG WRONG WRONG!!
Thanks again for a great post. You are the best!
Oh, I'm so so so sorry that happened to you. I'm so glad that you able to use your experience to teach your children about kindness, rather than bitterness. I'm not sure I would be so big about it.
Wow. Just...wow. That took more balls than most "men" have.
Thank you for posting this!! It makes me ever so happy to see other parents trying to teach their sons the same values I try very hard to instill in mine (though his dad tries to undo it every other weekend).
There was a period about this time last year when I was getting desperate to find feminist moms of sons because I felt like I was flailing in the dark. I'm soooo very glad to have found you, Orange and Dr.B. because you all help me and Peanut feel a little more "normal" - he just doesn't know it yet.
Thank you soooo much for that!!
(Btw, do you know any good books by feminist moms of sons? I need to start reading some....)
Wow. You so totally rock. I wish you hadn't had that experience in '87, but I admire you for using it for one good thing. Thank you for sharing this.
This one hit me like a punch in the gut, but in a good way. Really.
I liked it a lot.
I was one of those girls too. And I'm still not talking about it, but your letter here makes me think that someday I need to. With my son, when he's grown up enough.
I never got the lesson about Hugh Thompson either. Where's the movie on him?
Blessings. And thanks.
Very powerful. I'm glad to know that people like you are raising little boys. Thank you.
This is fantasic, Flea. One of the perks of living in South Carolina is that Pat Conroy lives here too, and he tells a story that has the same wonderful reasonance. His mother read him and his siblings "The Diary of Anne Frank" and then told them, "I want you children to grow up to be people who would hide Jews."
Absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking, too. You've captured so perfectly what I hope to give my children (boys and girl). Thank you.
I came here via Twisty... and then I read my own story, but it was 1988. It still hurts.
Thank you for talking about it.
Holy f*ck, flea. You are an amazing mother. Thank you, and I'm very sorry for Oct. 1987.
Thank you, Flea. I cried when I read this, but it was something I needed to do.
I read this at lunch today and almost burst into tears right then and there. Flea - you're an amazing woman, and a wonderful mother. I stand in awe of you (again).
Nobody was there to protect me, and I was too stupid to think about protecting myself. Think of me, if this situation is ever presented to you. Think about your duty as a man, as a human being. Think about Hugh Thompson. I know it will be hard.
Bravo, Flea. I'm sorry for your pain in 1987, and I'm very thankful to a group of teetotal young men from my high school in 1981 who watched over all of their drunk female peers at our farewell party to make sure that none of the older blokes hurt us the way that you were hurt. They were fine young men in the spirit of Hugh Thompson and I honour their service to us, even though I never joined the dots on it until months afterward.
I wrote about my knowledge of the main offender they were protecting us from, but not so eloquently as you do here.
Another first-time reader crying, both for what you endured in 1987, and for your ability to write so powerfully about your experience, and about what it means to be a good man, for your sons.
I'm sending this to my sister, who has two sons of her own. Thank you, flea.
Thank you. Just thank you. It is lovely and horrid and perfect.
I'm going now to make everyone I know read it.
If all parents were like you, I am sure we would have much less anger, hatred, and crime in the world.
It is truly a great piece, but to think of it as just an antirape letter does it an injustice. It is about all life choices where you can use your power over the helpless. Be it cutting healthcare to the regular workers or kicking the homeless camp out of the church down the street.
Flea--I, too, am sorry for what happened to you. I think you are a very strong woman. I've only just started to read your blog however in the few posts I've read I think you are a wonderful human being who is helping this world be a better place. And I think you are a fastastic parent!
Wow.
JT had a link on her blog or I'd have never read this. I'm thankful she did.
This was an amazing letter, and I can only wish that there were more parents like you.
First time here ~ found your link on lizardek's site.
For me, it was the summer of 1985.
And the summer of 1986.
Thank you.
That was so poignant and so eloquently written, it made me cry. I'm so very sorry that had to happen to you -- it's horrible. But I'm also supremely glad that you are able to pass on to your boys the kinds of values that will help them make the right choices in life, and not bow to peer pressure, which is so insidious. You should be really proud of yourself -- both you and your husband. From everything I've read of your writing and thoughts, you guys are amazing parents, and that's quite an accomplishment. And I thank you for that. I thank you for making the effort to bring up two productive, compassionate, caring human beings. It is much appreciated in this time when people pop out children because they think that's what they are supposed to do, but they have no idea at all of the incredible import of their actions, and the daunting responsibility that comes with it. I salute you.
That was wonderful.
it was so brave of you to be so honest with your children. They will gain the most from that. As do we all.
You are attempting to teach real personal morality which can and has
changed the world, as opposed to neoconservative fundementalist rote fake morality which only has and does perpetuate the cruelities and waste you describe. As a tired person who remembers so well his personal moral struggles and coming of age during the sixties, a person who feels so discouraged to see the same repressive arguments, actions and forces still dominating america
and itīs potential, I thank you for reminding me what the fight is really about.
It is said that any person with the right equipment and timing can become a mother. Many people do eventually become parents, intentionally or unintentionally without realizing what parenthood means. You, however, understand the task you have undertaken and demonstrate a great dedication to your sons to teach them, not just how to get along in the world, but how to get along with the world.
The world needs more parents like you. You are truly blessed.
First time reader saying wow. Just... wow. Thank you, and I am so sorry.
another one here, 1982.
thanks Flea. this is the most amazing post, and I'm keeping it for later too.
Lori
you made me cry...again
Thank you. These are the same things that I hope to teach my Alex, except you have done so more eloquently than I ever could.
Your boys and the people that they will touch during their lives are very fortunate that you are their mother.
Mother of three sons here. I'm printing this up to put on the fridge. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
And thanks also to KEITH, for suggesting it could (and should) be applied to a broader perspective.
I also want to address the feminist LJ community that's taking the piece to task for being "benevolently sexist." (I am unable to post there)
1.) This is not the Orange County case. This was another gang rape case in Chicago. The fact that there are two virtually identical cases may imply that to many young men across the country, an unconscious girl is the equivalent of an unguarded candy store.
2.) The post is not directed toward Advanced Patriarchy Blamers; it is directed toward average teenaged boys raised in a pervasive "pimps up, ho's down" culture, who are faced with strong peer pressure, whose masculinity is judged in extremely narrow perameters, who are called "pussywhipped" when they are respectful to their girlfriends in public. I harped on "duty as a man" because I want them to consider a different way of looking at masculinity and heroism. Everyone has hero fantasies. My three-year-old is running around in a Mr. Incredible suit right this very minute.
3.) I do not think all women, everywhere, at all times, are helpless victims.
4.) I do think if you gangrape an unconscious girl and spit on her afterwards, it is a catastrophic failure as a human being on your part. My god. It doesn't mean you are beyond redemption. If you fail a test, do you automatically fail the class?
5.) We live in a world that is, at best, benevolently sexist. Someone on the LJ thread mentioned "baby steps," and that is exactly what I was trying to do. Sometimes that's more effective.
6.) We do have animal cruelty laws in Chicago. However, the police are not going to arrest a three year old boy for hugging a cat so tight that it cries, or a six year old autistic boy for putting them in his toy box and closing the lid. It is my job to teach him to correct way to care for a pet, and that is what I'm doing.
7.) I appreciate the discussion you all are having. Please remember, I didn't write the post for feminists. I assume feminists already know the score.
Wonderful.
Horrible.
I really don't have the time to weep this early in the day, but thanks for your story, flea.
Flea, I have never commented here before, but that was beautifully written. I am currently pregnant with a little boy and there's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder how to raise my son in such a way that he would be that one lone soldier. I am so sorry for what happened to you and if you don't mind, I may print this out as well for my son to read when he is old enough. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us want to say.
I know this is the 90th one, but
WOW!
There is a song that I am having my kids memorize. We listen to it almost every day, on our way to preschool, work, etc.
"With My Own Two Hands" from the Curious George music CD. The song suggests that we can change the world, with our own two hands.
I want my children to grow up believing that they can make a difference...that they MUST make a difference. Stand up for what is right and good, no matter what.
THANK YOU.
My mom sent me this article, probably knowing that it would resonate with me.
I had a similar experience (in 1983, not 1987), and I have two children a bit older then Alex and Michael.
What was odd was that last night, my 11 year old son and I had a conversation about kittens and harming them (he hadn't, I cannot recall the context but it was hypothetical) and if he did that sort of thing I'd feel I'd failed as a mom.
Wonderful read, I've passed it on to some others now as well.
I never found myself in a date-rape situation, fortunately, though it wasn't for lack of drinking in college. The closest I came was when I'd been making out with some guy after a party my senior year, and he wanted to come into my dorm room. I was telling him to go home, but he was persisting. The freshman boy next door overheard us, and he popped out into the hallway to offer me support if I needed it. I didn't, as it turned out, and at the time I thought it was rather meddlesome of the kid. But since then, I've realized that every high school party and every college dorm could use more young men like that, with the courage to face down their male peers.
As the mother of a little girl, and soon to be the mother of another, thank you for teaching your boys this. I often wonder how I will teach my kids how to stand up for what's right, in the face of pressure to conform with those who would harm others. You just gave me a little help.
Really interesting interview with Hugh Thompson here.
The story of Hugh Thompson isn't told enough, sadly. Thank you. I just shared the story with my 12 year-old son. I, too was passed out at 16, and for now or maybe for always, that's just about all he knows about it. He's a thoughtful person, listened intently, and when I asked if he had any thoughts to share he said he has a lot of them forming in his head right now. Good. 
Oh, this made me cry. This is really a great open letter to all children in the future.
What an amazing, breathtakingly powerful letter. Your sweet boys have an incredible mother. Thanks, from all the rest of us mothers who would like to have written what you just wrote.
Beautifully eloquent post, Flea. This should be required reading for every young boy and man. Thank you.
wow. i'm speechless.
thank goodness i saw twisty's note on i blame the patriarchy, and read your brave beautiful post.
tell alex and chris that lots of people are astonished by their mom, and they are lucky boys to have you guide them.
be well
flea, you are wonderful.
Thank you. That is the most important essay/letter I have ever read.
Is there a way that I can post it on my students'instructional website?
I want my students to read this.
If you really want to stop My Lai, tell the US military to stop enlisting retards.
The soldiers who murdered the residents of My Lai 4 were drafted under Project 100,000. The Americal (23rd) Division was the last division formed in Vietnam and had last call on soldiers. The better units, like the 1st Cav and the Airborne, had their pick of the better recruits. But the Americal was troubled during it's entire stay in Vietnam. Part of that was due to the low caliber of soldier in the the ranks.
What was Project 100,000?
On 10-1-66, McNamara launched P/100000 in response to President Johnson's War on Poverty. Under this program, DoD began accepting men, as volunteers or draftees, who would not qualify for military service under previous aptitude and medical standards. The Office of the SecDefense outlined 3 main purposes for the project: (1) Greater equity in spreading the opportunities and obligations of military service, and (2) Recognition of the unique capability of the military training establishment to produce fully satisfactory servicemen among "culturally disadvantaged" men who had previously been deferred;
It didn't work out that way. The low IQ's of these hillbilly and black ghetto welfare cases caused My Lai. Johnson's "draft anybody who can walk and chew gum" welfare program killled the folks in My Lai. Approximately 91% of these "New Standards Men," as they were called, came in under lowered IQ/aptitude/education standards.
Frankly, it would have been better if these welfare boys had been left in the USA to live of their biatches welfare checks that drafted.
thank you. you've given me great ideas for my future children.
if only more parents were as wonderful as you in this sense =)
All I can say is love and thanks, flea.
And, your sons have every chance in the world of growing up to be exemplary, exceptional young man.
What a powerful post. I am so glad that I happened upon your blog through a link of a friend. Truly heartwrenching, and full of such truth. I have been to My Lai and Vietnam, I have seen photos of the atrocities. I am also a women's rights activist and recently worked to oranise a V-Day campain to stop violence against women, who have stories just like yours. Thank you for writing this. I will be back to read your blog again.
You don't know me but Blogging Baby linked to your post.
As the mother of two decent sons and now great-grandmother of three little girls, thank you.
I said much the same thing to my boys when they were growing up although not as eloquently. I'm glad it stuck.
As one of your other commenters wrote, "The world needs more parents like you."
Also, the world needs more writers like you. Your words are powerful and they will help to change the world.
I will link to this on my blog, in the hope that many college students will read it and take your admonitions to heart, just in case their parents haven't already taught them the values you underline for your sons.
I think those values apply to daughters, too -- to protect those weaker than them, not to condone violence -- and I hope that my daughter will grow up to act in accordance with those values.
Going to pick up my teenage son for Spring Break today- Printing this out for him. Thank you.
Wow. Thank you for putting into words those things that we all want to teach our sons. This is an amazing piece, and I hope you don't mind that I've printed it for my own personal "mom's reference book". It may come in handy one day when I can't think of the words that need to be said.
And I think it should be added that this lesson applies to girls, as well. Men aren't the only ones who can stand up to those doing wrong. I have a son now, but if I have a daughter, she'll read this, too.
Jaye, anyone is free to link to the post. Thanks for asking.
perfect.
Brave.
In this land of victim-revelry, the fact that you don't want to talk about this painful experience, but will still write about it to help your children be better people, shows me how brave and strong you are.
Sadly, many women are like this, scarred, but brave. We suffer an invasion when we are most vulnerable; pick ourselves up and go on with life. Sometimes, it's the best you can do.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I was sent here from LiveJournal.
I just wanted to say thank you. *Tears and hugs*
Flea,
I've never posted here before but I was moved to by this entry. We live in Chicago and my husband and I read your site regularly. We have a almost 5 year old son, and since the day he was born, our goal for him has simply been that he grows up to be a good person.
I am taking the time now to comment simply to thank you for expressing so eloquently what we also believe is encompassed in being a good man. Its an awesome and scary task to instill these values in our boys, particularly in a time and place where young men such as the participants in the Burr Ridge gang rape face no consequences for their actions. I have no doubt that you and Steve will be successful in doing so with your children, and I thank you for reminding others why its important that we all do so.
Thank you so much for writing this - I hope that my own son will learn these lessons from me - I'll certainly be saving this post for him.
You are brave and eloquent. Your kids are blessed to have a thoughtful, strong mom such as yourself.
You are an amazing woman and an extroidinary mother. Your sons are blessed to have you. I am sure they will do great things with your guidance. God bless you!
Thank you for posting this! Amazing.
Thank you again.
It's really weird watching something you wrote fly all over the internet. It makes me wish I'd spent more than 45 minutes on it before I posted it.
It's interesting to watch people speculate on why I wrote it and why I wrote it the way I did. The main reason I wrote it was because I wanted to comment on the Chicago gang rape trial and my reactions to the people who were letting the men off the hook while slamming the victim, and that's what came out.
A lot of people are pissed at me for gendering it too heavily, but since it's supposed to be a letter to boys, it seemed appropriate to do so. As far as whether I'm actually going to hang on to this letter for 12 years and present it to them, rather than talking to them directly, well, probably not. It's a blog entry, not actually a private correspondence. I'm very happy there are parents using the letter to raise difficult issues with their teenagers, though, and I sincerely thank you for that privilege, and hope it helps foster discussion.
P.S. - to the LJ parenting community: I am not the recent Chicago gangrape victim. I'm sorry if my post made that unclear.
You are an amazing woman with incredible perception. I am the mother of 3 boys and one girl and I only hope I have taught my boys the same lesson.
Thank you for caring enough to raise boys who are good...I feel that for every parent like you my little girl may have a better chance at not having to endure pain caused by a man.
I've been sitting here trying to come up with a comment that expresses how great I think this is. Your kids are lucky to have this letter in their futures. Just applause at the values described here.
I do not recall how I linked here, but I won't forget your writing nor your blog.
I am so blogging this post, and it should get its own Koufax for "Most Moving."
The love of my life is also a rape survivor - conquerer even - and I am equally moved at her strength and honesty.
Thank you for writing this.
This is really a wonderful piece of writing. I hope your boys really do read it some day.
Marian Wright Edelman once said, "If you as parents cut corners, your children will too. If you lie, they will too. If you spend all your money on yourselves and tithe no portion of it for charities, colleges, churches, synagogues, and civic causes, your children won't either. And if parents snicker at racial and gender jokes, another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage to snuff out."
i am a new mother. and been wanting to write down my thoughts about life for my daughter. i got to realize that i should sit down with her and talk with her. upon reading your blog entry, it inspired me to write letters for my daughter once more. there are just too many ways i can do to inspire and encourage her. i might just print this one out so for her to have wisdom from people of different walks of life, people of different nations.
salamat (thank you in filipino)
I hit post too quickly. MWE rocks, as do you.
Nobody will DARE to say nasty things to Misterharrisonsir's star pupils!
Well, that's not true. But I was trying to be chipper.
Thank you for posting that. I was moved to tears and I know that your sons will grow up to be good men. And your post reminded me of so much...
I have been that girl. More than once.
When I was a sophmore in High School, my best friend at the time had this great party when her mom went out of town. She had this huge house on the Upper West Side and it was ripe for the partying. I think it might have been the first big party that year. I was new to the school but not new to the partying. I spent a good few hours teaching the younger kids how to do tequila shots. I have maybe done 5 tequila shots since and I am very long out of HS.
I passed out in her sister's bedroom at some point and woke up a few times when friends were checking on me to make sure that I didn't choke on my own vomit. There was a trash can next to the bed. And once I woke up and there was a boy, maybe my age, maybe a bit older taking my pants off. I screamed bloody murder and someone came in. I don't remember who it was. The boy never got anywhere with me and was subsequently beaten to a bloody pulp by friend's friend Palmer. He beat him with his cane.
Thank you, Palmer. I wonder where you are these days.
When I was a freshman in college, I went camping with my friend and we had the worst time ever. So bad, that I made my parents, who we were with, take us to the bus stop so we could get a bus back into the city. When we got back, we had two empty apartments. Rose and I decided to invite a bunch of friends over to her house, close friends, and get lit and have some fun. We were both single at the time and invited a couple of the really cool guys from our scene to play drinking games and shit. Her little sister got irritated with us and took off to their dad's house. Stoked! We had the whole place to ourselves.
Luis was a good friend of mine. He had dated one of my closest friends, lived with another and when I couldn't bring the guy that I was actually dating to my HS senior prom (he was way too old to be my promdate) he came as my date. When I was wasted and passed out on the couch, Luis shoved his hand down my pants. I remember pushing him away a couple of times, but after a while, I just went with it. Was it consensual at that point? I don't know. Grey area. We didn't have sex, but I hardly ever spoke to Luis ever again.
A little less than six years ago, I was at my neighborhood bar where I drank almost every night of the week. It was only about 5 blocks from my house and no matter how tanked I was, I always got home safely. I am an experienced drinker, I generally know my limitations. That night, there was this guy who had the coolest sweatshirt from a band that I love on. He was a trollish, little bastard, but we talked about that band and reminisced about how amazing they were back in the day and how it was so sad that the lead singer was dying of brain cancer. I had a sort-of-boyfriend at the time and was not interested in this ugly little thi
That was incredibly moving. Keep raising your kids right.
Thank you.
Best of luck, Flea. More children deserve and require this kind of honesty and frank speech. Your love and respect for your kids is plain.
Saw this linked over on MetaFilter. Was very moved. Tears in my eyes still. I kind of have an opposite story - a then boyfriend got so drunk he lost control and raped me. I was also picked up and shoved into a wall at age 11 by my mother's then boyfriend, who was a drug addict. Those stay with me too.
Thank you for doing all you can to raise better men.
I have two sons. 18 and 20. Their mom and I split up when they were 5 and 7. Despite that bit of sadness, we both have loved our kids and encouraged them to make good choices. Now they are young men. Fine, upstanding people I am so proud to know. All the things you want your kids to be will come true if they are aware of their responsibilities as humans. Loving your children is the easyest thing any one can do, and if you are honest with them they will far exceed any expectation you could ever put on them. Thanks for your courage, I was moved by your post.
Wow.
I caught this through metafilter.com and was very touched by what you had to say. I only hope events of the past have lost their power over you.
Thank goodness for parents like you, eh?
- a.
i'll add to the chorus and applaud this letter, and post.
thank u
Don't compare your situation to some helicopter pilot gallantly saving helpless children from slaughter at My Lai. It's not the same thing. If you were drunk and saying that you would sleep with any guy and then passed out, you were asking for it. You put yourself in harm's way and then closed your eyes.
Yes what they did was very wrong, most likely criminal even. They were bad people doing bad things (and there are pleanty of horrible people in this world) but you by your own actions set yourself up for it.
If a person were to jump in front of a speeding train and it hit them. Would it be legitimate for them to say: oh the horrible train didn't stop in time, I've so been taken advantage of? Or what if they jumped into a lion's cage at the zoo and were being mauled to death. Could they claim that the lions were behaving unjustly towards them?
When you chose to take a walk on the wild side back in '87 you were by your own actions the mistress of your own fate.
I'm not condoning rape by any means; I'm just saying that people need to be prudent and sometimes take precautions in their interactions with other people because there are plenty of predators out there.
I wouldn't even say that you were entirely to blame for your own actions that night. The behaviors of young people are often a direct off-shoot of the parental guidance (or lack there of) they've been given. If you were living that lifestyle at age 16, it's probably because mom and dad were doing something wrong.
I'm not saying all of this to put you down and make you cry. I believe in constructive outcomes. There are lessons to be learned from this. I hope that you as as parent will see fit to raise your children with good values and a sense of prudence so that they will not make similar mistakes in their lives.
I loved this.... and have said so at my blog (blogger makes us stronger)...
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Psychology would call this kind of thing the development of the superego.
A much appreciated post. It moved me, even if I'm not a parent... I suppose I have some appreciation to express toward my mom.
This post was heartbreaking and beautiful, all at once. I don't live in the States and haven't followed the case you're talking about, but in the UK recently a security guard who was charged with safely returning a paralytically drunk young girl to her dorm room was acquitted of raping her because, "She could not demonstrate she had refused her consent." I was nauseated when I found out. But here, marital rape only became properly illegal in 1992, so I guess we have huge steps yet to make. As a law student, I suppose it comes down to the age old balance between risking jailing someone who is innocent or risking acquitting someone who is guilty. It's so hard to know where to draw the (legal) line. In Utopia, though, I like to think it wouldn't be a problem.
I'm so awed by the bravery of people like Hugh Thompson, who do the right thing no matter what it might cost them - those are the people I'd want any kids I might have to grow up like as well. It's scary, though, to think of someone I love stopping to intervene in a bar fight and being killed by a stray punch to the head. Makes me realise (again) just how much strength and courage it takes to be a good parent.
I'm so sorry for what you went through, and how it turned out. I know you never really get over those things, you just learn to live with them. I discovered (the hard way) that a much larger number of my friends than I ever would have imagined have experienced sexual assault on various levels, and remain strong and silent about it. Makes me hope karma is real.
Thanks, Flea. (And I'm impressed that it took so long for a troll to show up and blame you. Oh, and your parents, because, you know, every PROPER 16-year-old spends all his/her waking hours studying and such.) But really--thank you.
de-lurking.
to say:
thank you, thank you for writing this.
and I know you're not meant to feed or encourage them, but in case the anoymous poster is still around, I'd like to point out that unlike speeding trains and lions, men (despite what we may have been led to believe) are not just raping machines. That is not their primary function. Where trains are built to, you know, go fast. Lions, being plain old mammals, do not have a free will, and kill by nature. Men, however, unlike lions/trains/other inevitable forces of nature, have free will. Rape is never the victim's fault. Women should not have to fight off a rapist. It shouldn't happen. To argue that any woman needs to take action to make sure she'll be able to fight off a rape is wrong, because rape is wrong. Women shouldn't have to be constantly able to fight off a person twice her strength at any time, in any place, under any circumstances, no matter whether she wants to unwind or have fun. Potential victims shouldn't be the ones who have to prevent rapes. Rapes wouldn't happen if the perpetrators didn't rape. The perpetrators are the ones to blame. Period.
I've sent this to my 19-year-old son. He'll doubtless pass it to everyone he knows. Thank you, and I'm otherwise speechless.
Printing this most worthwhile post to share with my grandsons.
Thank you.
funny that the one troll here is the only person who doesn't have the courage to post his or her name.
I'm de-lurking due to Mr./Ms. Anonymous's comment.
Stuff it, is all I have to say.
This post about the Mai Lai Massacre is and her experience has a link, and that's basically- DO THE RIGHT THING, even if your friends don't want to, even if you've been ordered against it.
Don't be the type to blame the victim as you have- passing out and getting raped is no more akin to committing suicide by getting hit by a train.
So, whoever this anonymous is- fuck you and the computer you type on- AND stuff it. We don't need your condescending little snivels.
Thank you for a sensitive and well written post. It's sad and beautiful and inspires me to be a better teacher to my children.
Thank you. Wonderful.
First I would like to say I agree with you and enjoyed your post. I also think it is great you are willing to have a conversation like this with your kids.
I hope you don't think I am an ass for saying this, but I think something needs added. For myself I don't think anyone ever has the right to harm another person, even if that person is strong and they deserve being harmed. It goes back to one of your examples, even if she said yes it still doesn't make it ok. I think the only time it is ok to intentionally cause harm upon another is if you are grave danger yourself because of that other person. That's just my thought, take it as you will.
But I did enjoy your post.
I have a follow up question; I would like to know what conversation you would have with your daughter (even if you don't have one).
From these situations everyone can learn something boys and girls. So what would you tell your daughter, if I may ask?
Matthew, while I seriously doubt I'd feel the need to warn my daughter against particpating in a gang rape, the larger principal of human beings having a responsibility to protect those who need protecting still applies. I don't think I'd teach her anything too radically different.
I would suggest that the female soldiers abusing prisoners in Abu Ghraib could have taken a lesson from Hugh Thompson as well.
As the father of a 5-year-old son, I just can't find the words for how impressive this post is in both style and substance. Brava!
* * *
[[I'm not condoning rape by any means; I'm just saying that people need to be prudent and sometimes take precautions in their interactions with other people because there are plenty of predators out there.]]
Funny how trolls like this never seem to think it odd that there ARE "plenty of predators out there," let alone wonder aloud why that might be.
[[I wouldn't even say that you were entirely to blame for your own actions that night.]]
Well THAT's big of him. Ass.
Flea, thank you for this. It was beautifully written.
I'm glad there are pepople like you raising the next generation of men in this world. Thank you.
Wow. You are amazing. As the mother of a 20-month old son, I know it's an honor, and a burden, to help raise the next generation of men. I hope that my influence will be great on my son; you've given me a jolt of inspiration with this post.
Most excellent. As the father of an almost 5 month old boy, my wife and I spend a lot of time talking/pondering just how we can help our little dude to grow up and become one of the good guys. And along with that goes the worry that so many parents of males are not thinking like that. It's great to see that people like you and your readers share this concern. Thanks for sharing your story.
Flea, I'm a first time reader and I was just blown away by your post. I've been wondering how to talk to my 13 year old son about these sorts of issues and I think your post may have given me ideas about how to start.
Oh, and 'anonymous', you are a bloody moron. She wasn't comparing herself to the helicopter pilot at Mai Lai, she was hoping that her sons will grow up to be that sort of man - you know, a hero. Ah, but apparently basic reading comprehension is beyond you.
Flea,
It's my first visit to your site. I just wanted to add my thanks. You certainly didn't need to share that with all of us strangers. I appreciate your candor.
The pain you've experienced all these years is unimaginable to me. But if, because of your suffering, you raise two compassionate young men of integrity. . .To me, that's taking something utterly horrible and using it for good.
Blessings,
Surcie
Dear Flea, your letter is extremely moving,and I wonder did you yet let your boys read what you have to say. What impressed me was how in your safe ordinary domestic every day setting you manage to emotionally juxtapose your very unsafe experience. By this I mean how you manage to live alongside all this. Yes don't we have to do this, thankyou Flea.
Thanks, Joan. The boys are still too little to read anything but picture books. Right now, what I'm teaching them (that relates to the post) is kindness to animals, not just ours, but the birds and rabbits in our neighborhood as well. They do an okay job, but sometimes they forget and pick up the cats and squeeze them too tight. Three-year-olds have a hard time realizing that "be gentle all the time" means "be gentle all the time."
I come here by way of a link of a link and wanted to say WOW!
Your open letter gave me chills and has left me teary-eyed.
Just another voice chiming in to say that I am a total non-crier, but this made me cry. That was beautiful. And, ouch.
Unsurprisingly, I am crying. Yes, I found the "man" phrasing a little grating, but I also think it's probably the best way to get the message across to boys growing up in such a gender-divided culture. You have to do what works.
When will they come up with a medal for mothers?
flea, what a moving piece of writing, and thanks for bringing us to the attention of Hugh Thompson Jr.
When I thought about your writing some more, I was also wondering if you were pro-life -- since "to protect those who cannot protect themselves" seems to point that way.
I believe pregnancy is too complex an issue to so easily reduce it down to "saving babies," or whatever term is currently being used by people who force women to bear children, then abandon them by refusing them access to contraception, education, health care, housing, and clean water and air. Until life is actually valued as something more than a cheap political football, I will remain strongly pro-choice.
Sasha directed me here, and I'm grateful. Thank you for sharing this, flea; it resonates strongly with me. I have two sons, 7 and 5...and I was that passed-out girl in February of 1990.
Not a day goes by that I don't tell my boys that they need to do the right thing, not because they'll get rewarded if they do, or punished if they don't, but because it's the right thing to do...and that while we can't control anyone else's choices or actions, we can always control (and are responsible for) our own. Our job as parents is to train our kids to do what's right, and not what's easy.
Like many others, I am also in tears.
It was six years before I could even acknowledge to myself that what my boyfriend did to me was rape.
It is incomprehensible to me that we are still blaming the victim. Sickening.
And when will we teach all our boys to be like Hugh Thompson? How long will it take?
Thank you for putting this out there. It needs to be heard.
I cried, as well, because it hit home. I've often thought about the future, and how I would express the pain and importance of my experience to my children, though I don't have any yet. This was good to read.
We used to have posters in the Infirmary on my campus of a man and a woman embracing that said "My power is not for hurting-- so I asked." That always made me feel better.
beautiful post
flea, you rock as always, dear. Great post.
(Brave, brave anonymous. Fuck off. Why do you think so lowly of men?)
for me it was 1997 - 2002.
but i am strong. i am stronger than i ever knew. i've come to think of myself as beautiful again, worthy again -- not worthless. it still hurts sometimes and i don't think there will ever be a day when i don't remember. and that's okay. i don't have to, don't WANT to, and shouldn't forget. stories like this need to be told, so people of all ages can protect themselves and others.
let's not forget that women can rape women, women can rape men, and men can rape men. i know those cases are probably in the minority, but FOR THAT REASON they should not be forgotten or presumed nonexistent.
thank you, flea.
Wow. crying, and thankful for the folks like you and Hugh Thompson in the world. It's a shame that heroic deeds all too often don't get heroic praise- thank you for the reminder.
Thank your for such a powerful thought piece.
Truthtellers most often do so without expectation of praise, reward, or recognition. It is a good thing too because they so rarely get any of that and most likely just the opposite. A prevailing sickness in society is the tendency to "kill the messenger" when he/she brings bad news not in line with their predjudices.
What people need to remember (and you have spotlighted so movingly) is just how much ONE person can make a positive difference in the world for themselves and others. We should do whatever is in our power to foster this sort of character strength.
For only when we can truly count on each other to do the right thing, to recognize right action, and defend it, even under the most difficult of circumstances, can we ever begin to shed some of the inherent flaws in our primal nature. Changing who we are in a life that is still for most 'nasty, brutish, and short' holds whatever promise of rising above that there exists. Even if we can't get it right every time, we must never fail to get it right when it counts.
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." ~ Gandhi
As I was sitting in the sun at my PhD commencement, I was dismayed to hear that our keynote speaker was some guy I'd never heard of who was going to be awarded an honorary PhD in "Military Ethics." More glorification of the military, I thought.
Then Hugh Thompson stepped up to the mike and told his story, and I realized who he was. I was suddenly very proud of my university (Emory).
Thank you so much for writing this piece, especially in light of the attacks at Duke. I have a friend with three boys, and I'm going to send this to her. And when my boy is old enough, I'll have him read it, too. And I'm linking to it on my blog so that as many other people as possible can read it.
Have you considered submitting it for publication somewhere?
Thanks again
One more thing. At my commencement we were told that Thompson landed his helicopter between the US troops and the Vietnamese--literally placing his body between the attackers and their victims, and then ordered his gunners to fire on the US troops if they attacked the civilians.
I always carry that image in my mind of a helicopter settling down between the perpetrators and the helpless. One brave young man willing to fire on his comrades--the ultimate military taboo--to save people he had never met.
Amazing piece. Going to save this for my own kids someday. Recommend for publication somewhere.
I was looking for information about Louise Nicholas' trial, found a blog which also directed me here.
I'm glad it did.
Courage creates more courage which creates even more... Thank you for being part of that chain.
This is absolutely touching. With parents like you, there is still hope.
Just could not help acknowledging...You left me speechless.
Thank You!
I'm sure your kids will demonstrate true courage. And am sorry you had to live through such pain!
Have linked to this story of yours.
Cant help but cry on reading this post.
Would it have helped in anyway if these boys had been prosecuted
Why do we let acquaintance / date rape continue to happen? The psychological cost to victims is tremendous. For the rest of their life they bear the scars of guilt and self-doubt. Could I have stopped it? Did I really deserve it? Did my actions / dress / words cause it?
A very simple standard: If he or she is sufficiently under the influence that they cannot drive legally, he or she is in no condition to consent. Period. Under the influence, consent cannot be given and the perpetrator/agressor is guilty of rape. Anyone supplying the beer, buying the drinks, spiking the punch or otherwise encouraging the consumption for such purposes is guilty of aiding and abeting. Period. Any organized group that establishes the conditions for such events to occur, such as members organizing "party houses" and allows the individuals to remain as members, is guilty of enabling and should be banned and have their charter revoked.
A book that every judge, policeman, district attorney, college administrator, high school principal, athletic coach, living group supervisor and every college freshman should have to read:
I Never Called It Rape: The Ms. Report on Recognizing, Fighting, and Surviving Date and Acquaintance Rape by Robin Warshaw, Harper paperbacks.
A friend sent me this link. As a mother of two daughters, I want to thank you for raising your sons the way you are and sharing this with others. I am forwarding to all parents of boys (& girls) that I know.
Hugh C. Thompson, Jr. (April 15, 1943 January 6, 2006) was a helicopter pilot during the Vietnam War. He is chiefly known for his role in stopping the My Lai Massacre, during which he was flying a reconnaissance mission.
At the age of 62, Thompson was removed from life support, after extensive cancer treatment, and died on January 6, 2006, at the Veterans Affairs Medical Center in Alexandria, Louisiana. Lawrence Colburn came from Atlanta, Georgia to be at his bedside. Thompson was buried in Lafayette, Louisiana, with full military honors, including a 21-gun salute and a helicopter flyover.
From:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
Hug...gh_Thompson,_Jr.
Sometimes, when it's late at night, I put on a nightie and lipsync to Britney Spears.
Kevin!!! Where are my cheetos????
i read somewhere
Everything happening around us, for better or for worse;
is so because it has something important to teach us;
Not for us to enjoy or suffer them, But because we have to LEARN.
i just want to thank you for sharing your story with us, im sure everyone who read it learned something very valuable. your sons are lucky to have such a good mother. thankyou.
Wow. I have tears in my eyes. This is what I want to tell my son (to stick up for the underdog even in the face of the taunts of his peers) and I tried on one of my entries. But you said it so much better.
I am in awe. Thank you for this.
You're children are gonna have seriosu problems. Holy crap - you'll all be in therapy!
Wow. I just read this again, over a year later, and it's still as amazing.
Particularly liked this comment in view of the post's author's belief that she knows a lot better than that dumb jury -
"Thank you so much for writing this piece, especially in light of the attacks at Duke. I have a friend with three boys, and I'm going to send this to her. And when my boy is old enough, I'll have him read it, too. And I'm linking to it on my blog so that as many other people as possible can read it."
(Date of the comment was 29 March 2006).
Ha.
I know this is a year and a half later, and all, but I wanted you to know that this made me cry. It's so rare to find hope in this world, and this, and you...
Thank you.
A million times, thank you.
brilliant. I am forwarding this to the domestic violence staff at my job.
When my son is older I am going to teach him the same lesson. You are an inspiration.
This is a beautiful, moving post.
One comment, however: giving kittens as a Christmas present to young children is never appropriate.
If you do so, the one who has abticated the responsibility to protect the kittens isn't your sons, it's you. Don't project your own irresponsibility onto them.
Thank you. It was a beautiful and heartwarming post.
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