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Holy crap that sucks. I can't wait to see the part of the story where people actually cared and helped out, because the first part seems to be filled with total jagoffs.
I've been a fan of the blog (and of the Honeysuckle shop, too) for some time, and I'm glad to see that you're... um... damn... what's the silver lining here? That you narrowly escaped being arrested for terrorism?
I like to say that what doesn't kill you makes a great story after five years. That means in six years you'll be publishing a collection of brilliantly funny stories about this (with bonus tips about anal sex, just to make it a bitch to classify). You just let us know when we can pre-order that bad boy.
You have effectively described the way I have been living for years now. Same fight with the government (in my case, tax laws changed and I wasn't aware that freelancers became employees in the 1990's and so owed thousands to the IRS, which I just paid off in full in May after 14 years. Yeah, 14 YEARS. But it's paid! We're so poor that we use food banks to fill our our food intake for the month. We don't even qualify for food stamps because the government in our state doesn't consider cost of living and just uses the Fed Poverty Rate, so we're over the limit. Ditto for subsidized housing.
And you're right. I know who my friends are, and I know what asshats so many people are, giving me the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" crap, like I didn't work for 25 years to support myself and my family before I became disabled. I'm accused of being disabled because I'm fat (which I'm not) even though I say over and over that I have a congenital heart defect. I'm accused of being lazy because my doctors won't allow me to work anymore. I'm accused of gouging the government coffers, like these idiots have any idea of how impossible that is these days. I'm accused of being a welfare cheat, but I don't qualify for welfare or food stamps, I get SSDI which is MY MONEY that I EARNED.
I've so been there. I've been cyberbullied about this over and over again. It sucks. People are so judgemental and so mean about poverty. It is definately a class and race issue. I'm so tired of women who don't even work themselves, who live off their husband's salaries, judging ME and saying that I'm a drain on society because I'm sick. It's unreal how mean people can be.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know how frustrating it is to deal with the government, either on the receiving end, with that damn food stamp card that apparently entitles people to lay judgements on what food you're allowed to buy with it (Oh my God, I saw a lady buying cookies with her food stamps... isn't that child abuse?) or on the fighting end, which is almost easier.
I swear this, you can ALWAYS count on me to understand and believe you. I know it's true. I live it.
Well, there really isn't a silver lining to losing all your money. It just sucks. And quite frankly, most people sucked about it, too, I'm very sorry to say. I've been wanting to write about the whole ordeal for about a year, if only for the opportunity to warn people away from shitty lawyers, but I needed some distance from it first. The day we can get new carpet is the day I think we'll be okay. New carpet. That's my goal. That and funneling large amounts of cash to Afghanistan.
Margalit, I think we crossposted. Yeah, it's really hard to be open about it, even though I really think there are a lot of people who are either in our shoes or are heading that way, and they need to hear realistic comments about what they can expect, and to hear them from people who are navigating the system. I waited until things were better before writing about it for a reason. I don't think I would have been able to handle the bullshit when we were circling the drain.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. It's amazing you managed to keep any sense of humor at all, much less continue to write with such grace and thoughtfulness.
Wow, amazing post. I can sympathize with the hopelessness and shame... a couple years ago, when my husband lost his job and didn't find another for a few months, I didn't even mention it online until after he got a new job. When I had to apply for a food stamp card just so we could have something to eat, I was in tears from the shame (which seems silly and overly dramatic now, but at the time, ugghh).
So many people in this country see poverty as a mark of inferiority/stupidity, and never dream that they could one day wind up broke simply by chance. It's awful.
Out of slightly morbid curiosity, have you told the state bar association about the first lawyer? I'm sure their professional responsibility committee would be thrilled with him.
I wish I had something other than complete and total admiration for your courage. =)
Oh, honey! So, after you went through all this turmoil and dread, you actually emerged without your old friend, depression? You, ma'am, are resilient. A survivor. One tough mofo—and don't you forget it.
And no, crying when discovering the paperwork was left behind doesn't make for a funny episode.
Those occupational therapy visits (etc.) are expensive. Ben's clinic charges $168 an hour. Fortunately, our insurance has covered 70% of it since the start—but if they hadn't, that would be, what, over $6,000 a year times 3 1/2 years? More than twenty grand of extra expenses.
I'm buying you a beer at the Police concert to celebrate your resilience.
I second what Stefanie said. Amazing, Flea. I just want to hug you and cry.
i read that aloud to my boyfriend, who's going to be a lawyer himself pretty soon, to watch his jaw drop.
i have such admiration for your resilience and your ability to write in a funny-through-tears way about that kind of horror. you really know your way around a story.
Hi Flea, I second what evil fizz said. The Illinois Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission can be reached at www.iardc.org, to fill out complaints there and get the ball rolling for an investigation. I am so sorry you had to go through all this. I have been reading your blog for a while now and really admire you. I'm a lawyer in Chicago, so please feel free to e-mail me if you need anything.
I still remember the day a women at work started to make fun of the fact that it was winter and I wasn't wearing any socks. I looked her square in the eyes and told her that I thought buying shoes for my children was more important than socks for me. She had no idea of the choices poor people have to make. Her husband's family own several businesses that he worked for. She was doing her 'socially responsible' thing by working at the children's center. I was tryig to put food on the tabe for my kids and me. I hate when people say they 'are broke" when what they mean is they don't want to spend their money on something. I know what it is to be broke, to not have any food stamp money left for the month and no cash. And obviously so do you. At least I didn't have your legal problems. So glad to see you have come out on top after quite a struggle.
How awful! And, if only your experience was unusual. (Okay, the lawyer is pretty egregious, and I agree with the previous poster who said you should report them to the Bar Association!)
I used to work in a bankruptcy lawyer's office (a good lawyer - they do exist) and our clients were not just bums (generally). Many people who go into bankruptcy do so because of one big health crisis and the accumulated medical bills. And, with Congress and our evil president so determined to work to take away even the protection of bankruptcy for people who really need it, even this assistance is becoming more difficult to get.
As you so rightly point out, being educated and middle class is a surprisingly tenuous position, and most people do not realize how tenuous their lives really are. One really expensive hospital stay, without insurance - or with insurance holding up payment for years - leads to more reliance on credit cards and loans just as income may be decreased or gone. One car accident, one bad visit to the doctor, one badly placed fall, and an entire middle-class lifestyle can be over just that easily.
Congratulations to you and your husband for having the strength and dignity to keep working to get past this situation and not letting it destroy you!!
(And, I should add I really like your blog!)
Oh man. That's terrifying. I'm really impressed that you've been able to manage that situation, that you continue to manage that situation. It just sounds so soul crushing.
flea,
thanks for posting this.. I had to read it twice, both times with teary eyes..it's amazing how close we all are to poverty when you really think about it.
It really is frightening how close so many people are to seriously being poor and losing everything they have. I'm so sorry you two had to go through this, but to make it out still together, with your family intact, is something to be very proud of.
I know where you're coming from. And I'm so glad that you've come through it so strong.
Fuck, Flea. What an incredible series of events (I mean, seriously, being investigated for terrorism? Who does that happen to? You stumbled on some stupendous bad luck, eh?)
Just wanted to add my voice in saying...that I won't judge you, I guess. That its reprehensible to assume you are doing anything other than the best you can. That I'm sorry feminists let you down. That you've got my compassion, and good vibes coming your way, and outrage, and admiration that you have made it through this.
I'm an dedicated reader and occasional commenter, and I wanted to thank you for saying this. Poverty is one of those stigmas that people can't let go of, because if they don't believe poverty happens to people who deserve it, it means it could happen to them.
No one deserves what you've been through.
Oh my~I am so very sorry. We had to do bankruptcy because of my son(who died in 2/96) and the fact my McHub was unemployed for over 16 months and we used the CCs to pay the mortgage. It was no where near as horrid as what you've been through. Now almost 10 years later we rent but we have NO debt. We did some food stamps and medical but oh what an eye opening experience it all was. Hugs.
Flea, you're an absolute gem. Your ability to inject (or to see) the levity in a Super Shitty Situation is priceless. And the fact that the SSS appears to have something resembling a happyish ending is such great news. Congratulations on keeping it together, as hard as it can be to do. Keep it up 
Because nothing say "patriot" like buying red-white-and-blue lube* for the 4th, off to the Honeysuckle for some holiday shopping!
* - No seriously, you could have a John Ashcroft Patriot Independence Day Holiday Bundle or something. This is why I don't work in marketing.
holy oh my GODDDDD. the only funny part in all of this was how the woman hated ashcroft, couldnt do her job, and the muslim comment, which is both funny, wrong, and why i hate this country.
jesus christ, you two people, i dont even know you and would like to hug you. and yea...grad school poor/college poor does suck, and isn't romantic at all.
Oh, flea, I'm so sorry. We've been (and are right now) not far from where you were. And I do find that there are friends I can talk to about my poverty, and friends I can't. Which, yeah, may mean they're not really friends.
Maybe it's fear that makes people angry at you...they see it could happen to you, and that means it could happen to them, and they're angry at you for making them think about that.
But I think about it every day. At my last job (where I just got laid off, by fuck), I was chatting with an academic we had flown in to do a video interview. I briefly mentioned some of the many jobs I've had, and she was so surprised. "Goodness, you've done a lot!"
I surprised myself by responding, a little abruptly "I did what I HAD to to survive." Because her complete cluelessness about life outside of academia is SO typical of so many academics I've met, and it Pisses Me Off.
I mean, I haven't paid off my 15 year old undergraduate degree, and there was no one to pay my bills so I could trot off to grad school and get a nice professorship, had I wanted to.
I wish you had been able to tell us about your troubles, though, because I hate to think of ya'll not having the support I know your readers would have given (trolls aside).
There's more class and dignity, and hell, while I'm at it, more love for your children/family (there I said it!) in your 'poor, broke' pinky finger than those 'friends' who shunned and turned their backs on you during that time will ever have or know in their vapid, entitled, selfish, self-centered little lives.
I have a plaque given to me by my mother that I have carried with me through the last 20 years - which includes many life changes, ups and downs, and one that found me in a cab on my way to a low rent motel, $30 in my pocket, a carton of smokes, the clothes on my bruised back and this plaque. It says: "The poorest of all men is not the man without a cent; it is the man without a dream."
Thank you for being so real. Your heart is wealthy.
1. I'm so glad to hear that things are better.
2. I feel bad about not having been a better l-d friend to you this last year. I'm sorry.
3. You're a hell of a writer, you know? Not because this post is good (though it is), but because you're able to keep the fucking writing going despite every reason in the world not to. I'll think of you next time I "don't feel like" writing something because I'm "too down" or some shit like that.
Thank you for sharing this. It needs to be heard.
This is horrible. But, the food stamp thing isn't completely accurate. I am currently going through the "extreme poor" phase while being a single mother, full time student and work while he skipped town. But, where I live, the amount of EBT/Food Stamps/whatever is anywhere from $50 (what I get) to $300...Either way, they do anything in their power to make you feel like shite.
MY GOD! You should get that fucking guy disbarred! My dad is a lawyer and you absolutely have a case against him - you should get in touch with the state bar association. I am totally not kidding about this - I know you probably just want to put it behind you and not think about it, but he's almost surely doing to other people what he did to you all. (Or at least post his name in a REALLY BIG YELLING FONT along with his crimes, and get a bunch of other high-traffic bloggers to do the same!)
How horrible for you. And thanks for telling us about it. I'm glad things are better now.
Sigh. I, too, had a crappy, negligent lawyer botch a bankruptcy for me, so I got to PAY for the bankruptcy, LIVE with the repercussions of bankruptcy, and yet none of the debt was discharged. I tried to file a complaint about him, but he shot it down in legalese. Interesting that he had the time to fill out *those* papers.
Thanks for telling your story. I really love your blog.
The first time I really read your blog was during the nickle-in-the-cat incident, and I remember clearly the total shitstorm that happened in comments, with people daring to suggest you were so incredibly selfish and, well, stupid, to have a pet while poor. I've never forgotten that--in fact I blogged about it myself.
And being somebody who blogs about poverty myself, I know very well how judgemental people can be. I'm the poor member of my family, and I swear, they just don't get it, that I don't choose this, it just is.
Damn, flea 
I knew things were bad, but I didn't realize how bad they were, I guess. I'm so sorry--and I'm especially sorry that you found that people sucked about it so much.
I also would love to see your asshole lawyer disbarred. That said, obviously you have plenty on your plate, and public service though it would be, it's not your job to exact revenge on every asshole I think deserves it. Maybe you could sue him for malpractice, thus making some money off it?
I second the lawyer bit. And the friends. We did bankruptcy (the Big B, as mr. delagar calls it still) four years ago now, after struggling for *nine*years* to pay off medical debts from my bout with cancer, getting further underwater every single year, and having a decent lawyer made a huge difference. And yes, nothing but grief from everyone about it. B/c, you know, if I hadn't spent so much money on plasma televisions and bling, I wouldn't be running out on my debts like that.
It's four years *after* and we're still poor, by the way. Credit card debt and hospitals took every bit of our savings for nine years; we can't ever buy a house, so we pay more in taxes and rent than real people; we pay more in car insurance, obviously; we fell behind repaying student loans, so we're rolled over to one of those sharks who charges you twice what you ought to be paying; we'll never recover, not really. You don't climb out of this sort of thing.
Socialized medicine? Who needs that?
yea we're all living the american dream. oh wait, no, thas just the president who cares more about protecting his friends than about people on welfare with disabled kids and people who can't afford food, healthcare. anyone remember deamonte diamond? the little boy, about 8, who had medicaid/care, but still died last year from an abscessed tooth because no one would accept his dental coverage? YEA. GO AMERICA. we are the free, the brave, THE SCREWED. i may move to europe.
GOD i cannot stand the systems in this country. maybe an apocalypse wouldn't be so bad, wipe out society so it could be rebuilt, maybe better....
ILLINOIS
(Chicago and Northern Illinois)
Illinois Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission
One Prudential Plaza, Suite 1500
130 East Randolph Dr.
Chicago, IL 60601
File a grievance against Snape.
Sorry to hear how shitty things were. I'm glad they're looking up and I hope it only gets better from here.
I call my bad patch 'thinking about sterno' poor".
Lots of newly divorced guys might understand that phrase. It was the one constant in my conversations with those who had suffered a financially crippling divorce as I went through my own. "I remember thinking, 'Well, there's a field just outside work. I can live there at night in my car, get a couple cans of sterno, and...."
In my case the reasons for my instant poverty were understandable, but in practice it sure didn't feel so good.
My ex became my ex not because she became mentally ill, but because she refused to accept it. I come from a family where smoking and divorce were to be avoided at all costs, and it was a long and painful process to realizing she just wasn't going to accept her situation.
Because I didn't want to traumatize my daughter any more than necessary (she was under two years old at the time and very much mommy's girl), because my ex appeared to always take her meds consistently when she felt she needed to be responsible for our daughter, and because I or members of her family were always present or within five minutes drive of the house, I didn't fight over custody at first.
That, plus my ex's illness, plus a reasonable policy in our state that no one should go from divorce into dependency, meant her getting around 75%+ of the financial assets. Other than the mortgage, which was already a third paid off, I was given responsibility of all the debts we carried together.
That was Round One.
Unfortunately, her family didn't do their share of oversight, I wasn't allowed into the home once the divorce was final, contacting my ex by phone became difficult, and she rounded things up by secretly not taking her medication for somewhere around sixty days.
Round Two began when my ex had an episode as a result of the lack of meds, ending up in the hospital. I went there, picked up my daughter, calmed her down and got her to a doctor for a bit of flu that had decided to hitch a ride on the trauma express, and then straight to a lawyer the next day.
My ex's parents were convinced that their daughter was only going to get well if she was the primary caregiver, so they used her money to fight over child custody.
For over four years.
After much bloodletting (and burning out one lawyer in the process), I won that battle, and my daughter is a happy, healthy, and occasionally infuriating teenager. I am fortunate to have a job that pays OK - not stupendous, but no complaints. And while a lot of my friends have better salaries than me, I have far better health coverage, dental care and a real, honest to God pension plan, not to mention a 401(k) option which I juggled with what was left in it to cover the initial legal fees.
Every nickel that didn't pay for my daughter's immediate needs paid for the lawyers and the bills. I didn't have a net positive financial situation until three years ago. I didn't even look at the possibili
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You are a rockstar.
I was such a fool I thought that when I told people about my poverty they would look at me, see a decent, competent person and realize that something was horribly wrong with our economy. Really. (Yeah, my picture is in Wikipedia next to the definition for Clueless.)
That's why I work with dogs now. I still like them. People - not so much. I have nothing but contempt for people who mistreat anyone poor.
It just galls me that all those awful things happened to you and your family flea. I wish I could have helped.
FWIW, last year more women went bankrupt because of medical bills than graduated from college.
I'm gonna be proud of myself if I can just refrain from channeling Madame Defarge. I can see myself now, knitting Dick Cheney's name into queque for the next beheading. I look forward to the day when that fantasy doesn't cheer me up.
i'm so so sorry this all happened to you, and i'm equally sorry that some people are assholes. god.
The way that lawyer (and I use the term loosely) handled you sounds like malpractice to me. I wonder if it would be worth it to sue? Or at least make a complaint to the bar association or someone.
Flea, is there any way you could at least get the $2000 back from Snape in small claims court? I hate it that he screwed you guys over so badly AND got away with so much money.
I entirely relate to feeling forsaken by the "feminist" movement after falling into single-mother-losing-job hell. I consider myself a Recovered Feminist. Still recoving on all fronts, but I do have hope again.
flea, please tell me that you guys reported Snape to your state bar association?
Flea {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}
I mostly lurk here, and I hadn't checked in on the site for a while, and I had no idea you were going through so much shit.
Basically, what everyone else said. I'm new around here, just discovered your blog from posts and comments at Feministe and Pandagon. But I had no idea you'd been going through such awful crap.
I grew up that way, my parents were part of the working poor (everyone is doing relatively well now--way better than when we were kids), and I remember many, many times that they went without something or other so that my sisters and I could do something stupid and frivolous like going on a field trip or to a football game. I remember the food stamps (back in the day when you actually got a little book of vouchers that looked like play money in bright colors so that everybody knew exactly what you were using), I remember the government cheese, and the welfare to work job as a janitor in my school that my dad had to take at one point (which, to a junior high kid, is about the most embarrassing thing your dad can do and I got teased mercilessly about it). Looking back, I feel horribly guilty about acting like such a little shit when I was a kid, because my parents surely didn't deserve that on top of all the other stuff they had to deal with.
Good luck to you and your family and I'm glad you can at least see some light at the other end of the tunnel.
flea, thanks for writing this. I'd like to think that if more people knew what certain parts of life are like, then...I don't know. Maybe they'd have more compassion. Maybe they'd find their voice before permanent damage is done. I don't think we can know if it *truly* helps or not. But for anyone who's already been there, it helps enormously.
Well, I have to say, even though I don't personally know you, I wish your family had never had to go through that.
I've been "grad school poor" for
years...graduating to that after being "college poor" for about 4 years. Stupid me to think getting a master's degree would boost my decent-paying job potential. At some point I lost hope. I think it was when my car needed repairs to the tune of $1200, after I had already put six or seven hundred in. I had about $300 in the bank. And I needed to pay rent. And in order to do that I needed a car to get to work--no there was not public transportation where I was living and no, I couldn't have biked because, a)I didn't have a bike, b)12 miles in Montana weather may have done me in, and c) because of injuries to my knees that happened when I was walking to my other job one day (yeah, it was a fun year).
It seems all the years of trying to use my degree and work in wildlife conservation left me with no money and no qualifications even for unemployment payments. Who knew? Now I do. After I found 3 part-time jobs (no full-time ones were offered) I had my food stamps taken away because I was making $1050/month before taxes and the cut-off is $1000/month.
People said super helpful things like: you should just make up a budget and things will all work out. Why? Are you going to pay off my car repair credit card debt? Or my $450/month in student loan payments? Or chip in for food? Or health care?
Now I have a decent paying office job and a desperate sort of hope that things will continue to get better (I can pay my bills, but have a psychotic supervisor whose normal state seems to be twitchy, red-faced and perpetually condescending). However, I am out of credit card debt and I can even put a little extra into my monthly student loan payments.
I'm so glad you found some empathetic souls (a pox on the rest) and that things are better for you and yours. Keep on keepin' on and thanks for your blog.
I'm with Portia and the rest: thank you for writing this. A lot of people need to hear it, and I'm one of them.
I'll pass on the word.
oh-my-god.
Major sympathies floated your way...been there, doing that! It took me 12 years to get through a BS and hubby then immediately took up schooling when I'd left off...fifteen years of single income, two kids. We have had all of our utilities shut off and boiled water on our Coleman stove for bathing and dinner while we read to the kids by candle or flashlight. It's humiliating and hard to explain to the kids so you do the best you can and make it an adventure. We have both been working for two years now and we're just now starting to come around to where we aren't in immediate danger of having stuff shut off and I don't have to track my checkbook on a twice daily basis. We still owe the IRS though, will be done with them by the end of the year (knock on wood), but the student loans look to be a neverending debt that will be my children's sole inheritance. Middle class just means that you're squashed between the bloated massive rocks of the rich and poor, too much income to qualify for aid programs and not enough to avoid the massive taxation dumped on you.
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