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Jesus Christ no, I cannot top that!
I know! Can you imagine? And she's an otherwise lovely child.
Happened to a divorced friend of mine: She was having a small dinner party, and her five-year-old daughter came dancing out with her vibrator, which she had dressed in Barbie clothes.
Spit-takes all around....
There is no way I can top that.
That wins, hands down.
All I have are routine puking and pooping stories.
Can't top it, but it does remind me of my own "nature boy", as we used to call my son Gregory, who used to pop out of his bath or his room naked, and run around the house giggling when we had parties. Somehow when he was 7 or 8 he decided to be naked in private and would get embarrassed and scream, "mom, get OUT!" when I walked in on him in the bathroom. Go figure.
I do have a rather incriminating picture of my sons with their Dad all naked in the bathtub, though.
Wow. I can't top that, either. Though it reminds me a little of this conversation between me, my brother A, and our baby brother B, then perhaps 3 years old (during a dinner party, no less):
B: I'm having a bath tonight!
Us: Great!
B: Maybe thistle can help wash me!
Me: Okay.
B: Maybe thistle could wash my back?
Me: Okay.
B: Mommy, can thistle wash my back?
(His mom: Okay, whatever)
B: Okay. You'll wash my back.
Me: Fine.
B: And A can wash my penis!
A: Huh?
B: Hey, A, you'll wash my little penis, okay?
Delurking...
Years ago, I was traveling with my then-almost-4-year-old son, flying to visit grandparents in Florida. I was sitting in the aisle seat, DS was in the middle, and a pretty 20something young woman was in the window seat. She smiled at my boy, who smiled back, and then reached over and fondled her breasts with both hands -- he literally batted them around like they were hackysacks. Then he looked at me, and said, "I shouldn't do that, right?"
Thankfully, the girl was amused, once she stopped being shocked. I was just mortified.
Another time, while walking down the street, he told a random stranger that she was really pretty. She said thank you, and then he added, "And your butt is so big and squishy!" She didn't thank him for that one.
Mine is long, but worth the read. We were at the supermarket. My daughter was about 2 at the time. In front of us in line at the register was this enormous black woman with a bleach blond wig on. She was very dark. And very big. And very strange looking. My girl looked and looked and looked some more. She was puzzled, I could see it. I could also see that she was going to say something. I just knew it. The big woman turned around and smiled at my daughter sitting in the cart, and the little darling said in her very loudest voice "Is your vulva clean?"
The woman at the register almost passed out she was laughing so hard. The big woman laughed too, but you could tell she didn't quite get why my kid would ask such a question. Me, I was apologizing and laughing and peeing my pants all at the same time. I swear it, I thought I was going to just die of embarassment.
Half the store heard the kid, too. Laughter was all around. Mortifying.
Sweet baby jesus, I'm laughing myself sick, here.
My brother, who is 47, was about 3 or 4 when my mother had a piece of furniture delivered. Keep in mind, this was about 1963. The deliveryman was African American, and my sheltered brother had never seen a black person before. "Mommy, mommy!" he cried. "It's a chocolate man!"
He went on to pepper the poor man with questions, like, "Are you really made of chocolate?!" while my humiliated mother walked alongside the man, apologizing profusely. The man said not a word. Understandably.
My brother also had a bathtime incident in which he asked my mother what his testicles were. "I don't know," she replied (god knows why), and he said, "They look like balls. I think I'll call them balls."
My mom has been paid back several times over for whatever bershon bullshit she pulled with her parents.
I was once in a pizza place with my family, including my baby brother. We had finished eating when a man walked in and went up to the counter, and little brother stood up in the booth to watch him walk by. Then he said loudly, "Look at that man!" Of course, we all did. Then, with everyone staring, he said seriously, "He's ugly." I took him outside while my mom paid for the pizza--and he began trying to stop people walking by to lisp at them, still totally seriously, "There's an ugly man in there."
Well, when my oldest was 15 she went to my friend's house and stole all of her pain medication (the friend has fibromyalgia). She then proceeded to ingest a great deal of the pain meds herself and sold all the rest on the street. I was humiliated, and I'm still angry, 6 years later. I was humiliated when it happened, humiliated when I had to go to the police station, humiliated when the cop commisserated with me over what a rotten daughter I had on my hands.
So...not a cute toddler story, but it was seriously horrible while it was happening.
I can't top that, but I will be laughing at all these stories for awhile...
We were on vacation eating at a restaurant when a man walked in and passed our table wearing an eye-patch. My son (who had just turned 3) YELLED, "Look! It's a pirate! ARG!" I was very embarrassed all the while I was inwardly laughing hysterically. On the way out, he kept asking where the pirate was.
Mother of GOD, nothing even close, but with all the penis talk my three-year-old is doing these days, there is bound to be something.
I have a niece who is 4. When she was 2, my sister and my mom had her in the furniture store (quiet, as you might imagine). Suddenly Evie looked up at her mom and said "I BROUGHT MY BAGINA WITH ME TODAY, MOM. DID YOU BRING YOUR BAGINA?" She was swiftly escorted to the car by my mom. Then, just this Mothers' Day, at brunch, my sister asked me to take the same kid to the bathroom, since she had JUST been with her (this child has had poop issues almost since she was born). I did, and while Eve sat on the toilet, I stood in the main area. A woman came in and went into the other stall. We were in there for a few minutes when suddenly Evie gasped. "AUNT SANDY!" "What?" "I POOPED!" "Great!" "MY MOM IS GOING TO BE SO PROUD OF ME!" The woman flushed and came out of the stall, saying, "She just totally made my day."
Hm.. this one isn't as good as that, but its one of my faves:
Primo was 5.5 years old, changing at the Y next to a 3yo. They're both being silly and hopping around. Then Primo looks down and announces VERY loudly, "Hey, your penis is LOTS SMALLER than mine!" I thought the other mother was going to bust a rib trying not to laugh.
...and then there was the summer visit to Grandparents where I looked out the window to see that he'd taken his pants off in the yard and was squatting to take a huge dump in the flowerbed, butt pointed directly at the wall of windows of grandma's house..... I can laugh about it NOW... 3 years later.....
Oh god... no, nothing in my story inventory tops that *yet*.
I think I'd be in therapy over the pocket/penholder thing.
I've never been so scared to read comments, lol. Wow, I can't imagine seeing my poker buddies after that incident!
With the caveat that it's not as good as the pocket story...my mother still hasn't forgiven me for the conversation I had when I was about six with my Very Conservative grandparents. They asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up...and I said "A doctor, I think. Unless, of course, I get caught up in teenage sex."
A friend-of-a-friend story, but my all time favorite:
Son had recently interrupted a bit of mom-on-dad oral action. He brought it up Sunday morning in line at the bagel store with his dad:
"Daddy, remember that one time, when you were PEEING IN MOMMY'S MOUTH?"
Thankfully, we haven't had a really embarassing one yet. But we are entering that lovely stage (and, given Ellie's speech delays, it really is a lovely stage) where she says inappropriate things in public.
We recently dropped by a small shop we occasionally visit, since Ada was wearing an outfit the proprietor had sewn and we'd purchased for Ellie a few years before. Ellie pointed at the shopkeeper and said, "Old woman old woman old woman!"
(We've been really into the "I Know an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly" story lately.)
It doesn't top the pocket story (God, nothing does!) but my parents tell of when they had the bishop to dinner, and I (four years old) asked him how big his penis was.
My cousin-in-law's son Atticus was so proud of his bathroom success one day that he shouted for his dad, saying, "Papa, come see my new poop. It's like--ultra."
Not terribly embarrassing, sorry. My Lord, the pocket story.
My family-friend Dennis took his young family to church one day. His daughter, about 5, was acting up. He took her by the hand and started marching her out of church to give her some space to settle down.
She looked up and him and screeched: DADDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ME?!
Oh my, the pocket story is probably unbeatable, but I do have to say, LOVE the Barbie vibrator and the "Is your vulva clean?" Good lord!
My husband's oldest son now 16 traveled with his dad and younger brother to Florida on a visit when he was probably 7 or 8. They were
sitting near the wing of the plane when the put the flaps up or something. He jumped up and began screaming "May Day, May Day, the plane is going DOWN!"
A few years later he was at the park when a little kid fell of his bike. He ran across the field screaming, "Stand back, I am cub scout first aid trained!"
Don't think it tops that...but was quite embarrassing.
We were on a road trip when my daughter was about 3 and just potty trained. I took her into the rest area bathroom stall with me so we could both go to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down she said in a very loud voice "Mommy - why do you have hair on your bottom?" which received lots of giggles from the other women in the stalls...but was mortifying for me!
A story about my ex roomate's older sister. When she was three, she had a stuffed dog she carried everywhere. Her uncle asked, her when, driving if it was a boy dog or girl dog. She replied "a girl dog of course!" He inqired as to how she knew the sex and she responded by flipping it over and saying "see! it has labia!" (it was seamed up the middle).
I just hurt myself laughing. So far, thank GOD, my children have only been mildly embarrassing.
I'm sure that my day will come.
My 3 year old daughter barely knew my in-laws--basically they were strangers. While visiting with them for the first time in 2 years I whispered to her that if she hugged them goodbye I'd give her a piece of candy in the car.
They were thrilled at getting hugged but as soon as she was done she said "Where's my candy! You said I could have candy if I gave them a hug!".
I have a friend whose 16-year-old daughter has recently become a stoner. She's a great, smart kid but there it is. As she told us about her daughter we kind of all nodded sympathetically and fondly recalled those days.
When I mentioned that my 15-year odl daughter was just selected to be a varsity cheerleader on a highly competitive HS squad I got looks of horror and "EWWW!".
I'm loving all of these stories. I can't top the pocket, no, ma'am. I can fill my own pocket, but I cannot top the poker girl's pocket.
It wasn't in public, but it was a "Where the hell did that come from?" moment. I was in the shower with my son, about age 5, when he said with great consternation, "I hate the hair on your hah-ji-niss. It makes me throw up." (What is that word, anyway—a cross between vagina and "Your Highness"?) Never before or since then has he mentioned hah-ji-niss hair or said that anything about me makes him vomit.
Other times, if he bumped into my front side in the shower, he's say, "Oops! I touched your penis." (Of which I have none.)
Loving all of these - can't top but can certainly add:
During a moment of silence at the graveside services for my husband's granny, my 5 year old yelled out "hey - what's in the box?" I had to pretend to be bent over with mortification but HA - I was really trying to keep myself from laughing out loud.
Vulvas and barbies and pockets...oh my.
Yeesh, my family still gets mileage out of the story when I was at my great-grandmother's funeral. And it's deadly dull by comparison.
I was very young, around three, and since my dad was an assistant at services and had to babysit me often when they did the runthroughs on a weekday afternoon, I was way too comfortable with being in a church, if you catch my drift.
Being a typical young kid, and being pretty relaxed in the church, I asked my parents lots of questions. Loudly. So they gave me Life Savers to occupy my mouth. Which I chewed loudly.
Then my great-grandmother's casket came down the aisle, and I was asking so many questions about why great-grandma was in the box, was she being punished for doing something bad, why would she sleep in a closed box, that I was eventually escorted out by my father at lightning speed.
Did I mention that we were in the front row at church?
I'm amazed I can sit down today, frankly, given the spanking I got.
A story like any of the big three above would give my relatives apoplexy. (Lots of laughs, but, still, apoplexy.)
Can't top that by any means. But I was once on the bus with my friend and her daughter, who would have been maybe three or four. The daughter had been spanked earlier in the day (not endorsing this, just saying) but everything was resolved by the time we got on the bus. Except, the little girl - who, incidentally, looks like a fairy princess even now she's nearly a teenager, so you wouldn't know she was anything less than perfectly behaved - decided to ask, on a crowded city bus, 'why did you hit me, mummy?'
At my sister-in-law's 40th birthday party, my 3 year old was playing with all her cousins and having a great time. Late to arrive were a black couple we hasn't met and their young (~7 or 
daughter. My outgoing and sociable little girl observed, rather loudly, "Hey, there's a new girl here!" But, given her 3 year old lisp, "new girl" didn't come out as clearly as it probably should have to avoid a bevy of double-takes and my near heart attack. Luckily, my wife was quick on the draw and said, equally loudly, "yes, there is a NEW GIRL here. You should go introduce yourself."
Oh my dear....these have me laughing so hard at work that I might get myself in trouble!
My mom tells the story of when I was about....3 or so? Apparently her best friend thought it would be funny to teach me to say "Suck my di@k!" My mom told her several times not to teach me those things but, not having kids herself, she thought it was hilarious. That is until...
My mom was pregnant with my baby sister and we were at the emergency room. She had her best friend come with us to watch me while she got checked out. We were sitting in the waiting room next to a very large, burly man. I tapped him on the shoulder and in my 3 year old voice said "Suck my di@k!" My (then aunt) whisked me out of the waiting room faster than she could turn twenty shades of red! LOL
My son was about 3 and a half when my grandmother died. We went to the visitation and he asked if he could go up and see the Old Nana. My mother took him and and they talked about how she lived a long life and how she was better off.
A few minutes later, I saw him up near the casket again and I could see his shoulders and elbows moving back and forth. I ran up to the front of the chapel and he was holding onto my grandmother's rings and trying to get them off her hands.
I said, "WHAT are you doing?"
He said, "Takin' these rings."
"You can't do that!"
"Why?" he asked, "She don't need 'em."
The Old Nana would NOT have liked that one bit.
A good friend told me about her (then five-year-old) daughter staying with her mother for the day. Apparently, grandma had When Harry Met Sally on the TV, and when it got to the fake-orgasm-in-the-restaurant scene, M___ looked up and asked, "Nanny, what's she doing?"
Grandma replied, in defuse mode, "She just really likes her pie, honey."
"Oh." M___ went back to her coloring, then said, without looking up, "My mommy likes my daddy like that."
my friend, ken, was at the grocery store with his little niece, amanda, who was about 3 or 4 at the time. after they had finished shopping and were walking towards the registers, they passed an elderly sikh man -- who had dark skin and was wearing a turban. upon seeing him, amanda got all excited and shrieked at the top of her lungs so that every person within a 25 foot radius of them heard it, "oh, look, uncle ken -- IT'S A GENIE!"
ken, of course, was completely mortified -- but to the old man's credit, he just laughed out loud and told the little girl to make a wish. SUCH an awesome story.
xoxo
Aging can produce similar comments from adults, an elderly neighbor (who I barely know) of my parents once called me to ask how I liked my vulva. After I decided not to drop dead from shock, I realized she was talking about my car. A Volvo.
The embarrassing family stories of my youth all revolve around my younger brother.
My favorite, for humiliation: He was maybe 2 when we went out to eat, and an extremely fat man came into the restaurant. My brother's eyes went round with awe, and he announced (as little kids do, at top volume): "LOOK! IT'S HUMPTY DUMPTY!"
When I was about 2.5, my great-great aunt was over for a visit (a lovely woman, but my grandfather refered to her as the only maiden married aunt in the history of the world *g*) and I had just been "helping" mom vacuum. Now the vacuum -- an old upright known affectionately as Buellah -- was my friend. I would ride on her as mom vacuumed. Aunt Nell was talking to me, mom was changing the bag, and the hose the bag attached to was hanging out the back . . . apparently wanting my aunt to appreciate my friend, I proceeded to inform Aunt Nell that that was Buellah's penis.
Thirty-four years later, my mother still giggles at that story and the memory of Aunt Nell's face.
Usually my husband takes our 3 yr old son to the bathroom when we're somewhere in public, but sometimes I end up having to take him into the women's restroom. Generally nothing goes wrong, but when it does....
*3 yr old boy enters stall*
3 yr old: I locked the door, Mommy
me: good for you
3 yr old: I'm getting on the potty now
me: ok
3 yr old: Hey!
me: what?
3 yr old: There's a little mailbox in here!
me: no. no there isn't.
*woman washing her hands starts snickering*
3 yr old: YES! There is! Cool! We don't have to go to the post office, WE CAN JUST BRING OUR MAIL HERE!
me: No, it's not a mailbox. PLEASE don't touch it.
*woman behind me is done washing her hands and comes to stand by me, while laughing quietly*
*sound of "mailbox" opening*
3 yr old: it IS a mailbox! there's lots of room for mail in here!
woman beside me: OH MY GOD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Realizing what she's done, the woman covers her mouth, quickly apologizes, and runs out of the bathroom, no doubt to laugh her butt off while telling the rest of the people at her table what's going on.
me: Please, just finish going potty. Don't touch that thing.
Finally my 3 yr old got the idea that maybe he shouldn't be touching the "mailbox," finished his business, and got a very thorough handwashing.
I've got two (although "daddy remember when you were peeing in mommy's mouth" is just brilliant).
First story: PK loves, loves, loves to wrestle and horseplay, always has. His favorite game is "tick and lick" (I tickle him, he licks me). When he was younger, though, he had other favorite games. One of these I'd play, the other I wouldn't. Guess which is which:
1. "Mama, spank me!"
2. "Mama, kiss my penis!"
Second story: A few years ago, we owned a fixer-upper and luckily happened to have a journeyman electrician living right across the street. He was young and quite a hottie. Anyhoo, one hot July day he was over doing some electrical work for us in the kitchen. I've just finished asking him if he'd like a beer when he's done and PK says, "it sure is hot, isn't it?"
"Yep," electrician guy and I say.
PK continues: "It's so hot Mama's nipples are melting!"
I have no idea where that came from, but of course electrician neighbor had no way of knowing that. And I wasn't going to explain, because he and I were both turning red, averting our eyes, and struggling not to laugh.
When Hermes was about three years old, he was fascinated by his penis. What follows is a longs day of communication. First-Hermes in the bathroom at home "Momma, Poppa-my penis is HUGE, I mean it's really, really, big!"
Two hours later, on the phone "Grammy, I have a penis, and you don't. Don't you with you had my penis?"
Two hours later, at the store, to the nice old lady walking past-" Hey! Old wrinkly lady! I have a penis. It's big. I'd show it to you, but my mommy said not to....Hey...I bet I could even stick it in something, or...like...put an entire roll of paper towels on it or something. Stay right there, if mommy says it's ok, I want to show you that I could put paper towels on my penis!!!"
Hubby and I were duly mortified. Apologized, and hightailed it out of the store. I am convinved that to this day, three years later, they refer to us as the penis family.
I am not sure this can top any of these but I have to tell you a story. My son who was 8 at the time and who had already been told about the facts of life decided while at a local restaurant he should wash his hands before dinner came. After a few minutes he returns with a glimmer in his eye. "Mom, can I have a quarter?" he asks. I asked him for what. he then proceeds to tell me about the gum machine in the bathroom and that he wants a piece.
I told him that it was not a gum machine at all. Of course being 8 and a boy, he wanted to know if it wasn't a gum machine, what was it?
So I reluctantly explain that their were condoms in the machine. He then asked me if those were the things that you use so no one has babies, (I was surprised he actually listened, during our talk). I told him yes, and of course he decided that he didn't want one after all.
So dinner is served and after I venture of to the ladies room to wash my hands and low and behold the first thing I run into is an EXCEL GUM MACHINE! Man oh Man
My nephew was born when his parents were unfortunately separated. To his father's consternation, the mother decided against circumcizing the baby. His Dad, who is unaccustomed to foreskins, ended up with sole custody. The pediatrician told the father to make sure that his son's foreskin was retracted twice during each bath time to ensure cleanliness -- once for soaping and once for rinsing. When the boy was two and asserting more responsibility for scrubbing himself, Daddy reminded him of the "two retractions" rule. The boy pondered his father's admonition for a moment, then held up his hand with the fingers spread wide: "No, Daddy, five times!"
How precocious.
It was a few days after Easter when two of my friends dropped by my home to visit.My two year old and I had been working on going on the potty and she was pretty good about it except for putting her pants back on.My friends and I were in my kitchen when she came out of the bathroom with her shirt and underwear on,I was cooking so at first I didn't notice anything wrong.All of a sudden one of my friends is going "what's wrong with her leg" and I look and there's a rainbow of colors coming from her crotch down her leg.What the hell? I'm asking her what that is and she keeps telling me candy.Finally figured out she stuck jelly beans up her wussy not one but quite a few,I'm freaking and my friends are hysterically laughing so hard they were rolling on the floor.It really wasn't funny,and how the hell am I going to get them out? We tried holding her up under her armpits and kind of lifting her up and down hoping they'd fall out but it didn't work.I didn't want to physically remove them,that seemed gross and like I said the friends were no help.I finally told her if she didn't get those jellybeans out the Easter Bunny would never come again,no candy,basket,eggs,nothing.It worked and she never did anything like that again thank God.She got married a few years ago and while everyone was throwing rice,these same two friends of mine threw jellybeans.You got to love them.
I was maybe 10, my younger brother would have been about six. We used to fight and wrestle pretty rough when we were kids, but it was well known that to kick someone in the crotch was super-off-limits. My brother kicked me right in the business that summer, and it frickin' hurt, hurt like I knew why kicking someone in the crotch should be off limits hurt. So clutching myself in pain, I went crying to our mom: "Moo-ooom, Matt just kicked me in the BALLS!"
Deadpan and stern(where she got the strength I do not know), she said, "You need to go tell your father RIGHT NOW." Well obviously Matt was in some deep shit if Dad was going to get involved, so I stepped up the drama. Hunched over, pigeon-toed and wailing, I lurched into my dad's shop: "Da-a-a-aaaaad! (Snuff snuff) Matt kicked me right in the BA-AA-AALLS!" And my dad broke out laughing.
I learned about the differences in male anatomy over dinner that night, and it remained a family joke for YEARS. I don't think I've ever been so humiliated.
When our kids were toddlers, their father used to say, "you'd better be good, or I'll have to beat you with a big stick."
One day, they were acting up in Wal-Mart, and my daughter knew she was soooo busted. She looked at her dad and said, "Daddy! Don't beat me with your big dick!"
My husband turned 15 shades of red and turned and walked out of the store. I stood in line and paid, and we met him out in the car. He never stepped foot in Wal-Mart again.
A friend's daughter once emerged from the bathroom while mom, dad, and mixed company were playing cards at the dining room table. She was completely naked except for a string of toilet paper coming out of her butt, yelling "Look! I'm a horse!"
I, blessedly, have no children, but my best friend’s son is something else. Here are my top 3 favorites:
1. Two years old and on his dad’s shoulders walking through the mall, he sees an obese woman, points at her, and shouts at the top of his lungs, “NO FAT CHICKS.”
2. He announces to a room full of parents at the Open House at his daycare that he is a “brown kid” and a “monkey” as explanation of why his finger paint self portrait is darker than all the others kids (he’s Hispanic/Indian/Irish, the rest of the class is white).
3. At age three he announces publicly that there is a little man living in his butt who has a pair of scissors and somehow knows exactly when to cut off the poop at the right time. Three months later, the man in his but has an invisible friend who lives on his “little butt,” which is what he affectionately refers to his balls as. He proceeds to tell this to everyone he meets.
4. (I just remembered another jewel) We are sitting outside with a group of friends having a smoke, and he walks up to his mother and in an exasperated voice complains, “Momma, I peed in my eye -=sigh=-” to which she replies, “Why, yes, yes you did,” to his pee sodden face. He apparently wanted to see how it worked....
Can’t top yours, but this kid is a novel waiting to be written...
Once, we were on a family outing to the zoo and decided to take a bathroom break. The line to the women's toilet was about 40 people long and was snaking out the door, but my mom and sisters and I joined the line anyways and started inching forward. On the other hand, my dad and little brother (who was about 3) walked right in the men's room. A few minutes later, my dad walked out, followed by my little brother. My brother turned towards my mom (and incidently all 40 women standing in line for the toilet) and shouted in a loud a loud and angry voice "Mom! Mom! Dad didn't wash his hands!I told him to and he didn't do it. Thats gross, isn't it Mom! Tell him to go wash his hands!" The entire line of women started howling with laughter. My dad just kept walking as if he had no idea who we were.
Can't possibly beat any of those, but my boy did a good one at the gym once...
We were in the ladies changing room, and I could see him eyeballing a somewhat Rubenesque lady who had just come out of the shower. Naked. He marches right up to her, and says in his loudest voice,
"Why are you SO FAT??"
I of course wanted to die, but o her eternal credit this woman turned to my boy with great dignity and said
"Because I eat too many little boys" and swanked off. That sure shut him up.
This wasn't a public humiliation but to this day I can remember the look of horror on my Mom's face (and my Dad laughing) even though my ten year old self didn't get it.
Although she was rarely up before they were one Saturday morning my 6 year old sister managed to surprise them and promptly made herself at home between them on the bed. She then looked around and declared 'Hmmm, smells like someone's been eating salmon!'.
A friend of mine was working as a domestic cleaner and went after a job in a huge house in a very upmarket part of town, taking her 4yo. The lady of the house (very much the right word) showed her round, which took forever, and they agreed terms, then my friend took her leave:
friend: Well, goodbye. See you Thursday.
milady: Yes, goodbye.
4yo: GOODBYE, POOFACE!
milady: WHAT did she say?
friend: Er, she said, 'Goodbye, pooface'.
Unbelievably, she kept the job.
When I was about 3, my mother was a mahjong junkie and I heard much banter about her game nights at the dinner table.
The next night my mom hosted a game at our house. When one of the players arrived a bit early, I answered the door and announced, "Mommy, the cheater is here!!"
I don't remember my mom's reaction, but I'm sure she was mortified.
Actually, my best story are things that I did.
1. As a 5 or 6 year old girl, I had a shirt that buttoned up oddly along the botton. Basically, there were two overlapping flaps, that when buttoned properly, lay horizontally flat across my stomach.
Only I couldn't button them properly. When I buttoned them, the flaps combined to form a projection out in front of me. So, I trotted outside, where my mom was talking to the neighbours and announced proudly: "Mom! I know what the flaps are for! They're so I can have a penis!"
a few weeks ago, my three year old daughter started pointing across the room and saying, "look at that donkey, mommy" and I'm looking for a picture of a donkey...a toy donkey...a book about a donkey...I'm not seeing any donkey. Just then, a man sitting across the table from us said something and my kid blurts out "Mom! That donkey is talking!" I'm mortified and start pulling her out of the room so we can go over why he's not a donkey and on the way, she manages to get in "I don't like that donkey" and "It's not good, Mommy. Because donkey's aren't supposed to talk" and "I don't want to see that talking donkey anymore".
God knows what that was about. No, she hadn't seen Shrek and although the man in question is a bit strange and probably mentally ill, he in no way resembles a donkey.
I once took my friend's 5yo into a crowded restaurant bathroom. Because he was scared to stand by the sinks alone, I brought him into the stall with me, and this is what transpired:
kid: I'll close my eyes.
me: OK.
kid: Actually, I want to look.
me: OK. (kid opens eyes)
kid: Wow! You're hairy!
me: Well, that's what happens when you get older; you grow hair in all kinds of places.
kid: My mom's not hairy like that!
Of course, I had to tell his parents about this, because I was afraid that he might suddenly make an announcement about my pubic region over lunch. (I left out the part about his mom, though.)
When The Offspring was about five, I was in my room towelling off after a shower. I heard the door open, followed immediately by my son's voice: 'See - I told you my Mom had a flower on her butt!' I had to explain to him that we do not give our playmates show-and-tell tours of Mommy's tattoo...
Then there was the time, around age three, that he announced to all and sundry in the pediatrician's waiting room 'My Mommy does not have a penis! But she won't let the doctor cut mine off, even if he wants to! [He had recently overheard a conversation I'd had about why he hadn't been circumcised.]
When I was less than two, I was sitting in the cart as my mother went by the poultry section at the grocery store. Since my parents were a medical and nursing student, respectively, I knew all the proper names of body parts.
Was it any surprise that I yelled, " LOOK! CHICKEN BAGINAS!"
My mother wheeled down the nearest aisle as quickly as she could. But you know, the chickens are all lying there with their legs spread...
My own children have not exerted that degree of revenge. Yet.
nothing tops that.
My son, had this foot thing for a while (still does at times), and would put his face on our feet, especially mine, if they were bare. I had him with me on the last day of school at my daughter's kindergarten, where the kids could all have their parents with them, and he ran to a woman wearing sandals, and put his face right on her feet.
DID YOU BRING YOUR BAGINA?
Bagina. Don't leave home without it.
Here's one from my illustrious childhood. I had two cousins and their parents coming for a visit. I was very excited because I loved my Aunt and Uncle, who always brought little presents for us. And because they had a daughter that was just my age. So I was sitting out on the front step waiting for Aunt Fern and Uncle Chuck to drive up.
As their car pulled up, I screamed as loud as I could so my parents in the house would hear me. "They're here! Here comes Churn and Fuck. Churn and Fuck are here."
Um. Yeah. Never lived that one down.
One day, when I was less than two, my parents took me on a car ride. They were hippies and didn't think anything of smoking pot in the vehicle. I'd apparently gotten too old for them to do it around, however, because as soon as I smelled the smoke, I announced, "MMM! Apple pie! I LOVE apple pie!"
Another one: The grocery store that my parents frequent is called the Country Store. As many little kids do, I experimented with the name, stressing the wrong syllables, one time coming out with, "Mom and I are going to the CUNT-ry store." My parents laughed so hard and so long that I continued to call it that for years, so long that I eventually got embarassed without really knowing why.
Hmm, this sort of makes my parents look bad, doesn't it? Honestly, they're wonderful people. Ahem.
I really have to thank BitchPhD for sending me here. I haven't laughed this hard in ages!
Ah, it makes me happy to see so many references to the word "Bagina." My story happened when I was 3 or 4 and staunchly of the opinion that the word was pronounce BAH-gina.
For starters me and my family were sitting in the middle of Yom Kippur services...for those of you non-Jews out there, Yom Kippur is The Big One. It is a very serious and solomn holiday and A LOT of people end up going to synagogue--so to recap: serious occasion and lots of people present.
During the sermon, the rabbi said the word "vagina," so I turn and yell to mom, "MOM! He said VAH-gina! Tell him he's wrong, it's BAH-gina!! It's BAH-GINA!"
Wow. I never saw her get so red soooo fast.
I don't have anything, but this whole thread made my day.
My son was about 3 and still working on his potty training when I took him with me to shop for furniture at a store with lots and lots of couches displayed on the floor. As I looked, he tried out all the couches and chairs.
A salesman came by and spoke to me, and then spoke to my son, who was sitting in the middle of a big couch.
How ya doing, little fella?"
My son just smiled beatifically at him and said, in a kind of sensuous tone, "I'm sitting here in my poop!"
The couch salesman blanched and I hustled my son out to the car for a change.
Damn, I don' think I can top that.
The scene: A small get together, dinner with 10 or so friends at a popular Italian restaurant downtown.
Someone mentions that my daughter, then 4, was going to be one to watch out for when she hit puberty. My daughter hears then and then gleefully announces to the entire table (and most of the restaurant), "When my mom has her puberty she uses a pon-tam." I almost died.
When my brother was 3 or 4, my dad took us to his place of work while he taught a violin lesson to a middle-aged married couple. I was supposed to be watching my brother (I was 11 or 12), but I left him alone and went off to use the computer. I was so absorbed in what I was doing that I didn't notice that my brother was calling me until he yelled. I came out and saw him naked, with his hands behind his butt in order to catch his poop.
I went and found my dad and said, "[Brother]'s pooping!"
He said, "What, in his pants?"
I said, "No, he's naked, and he's pooping into his hands."
My dad went and took him into the men's room to clean him up. I only recently realized how humiliating this must have been for him...
thanks bitchPhD!
first, me and my bro both got kicked out of kindergarten.
me: I need some new crayons. None of these are sharp. I like sharp crayons.
teach: We can't always have new ones. Sometimes you have to use old ones.
me: Are you fucking kidding me?
***
teach: Does anyone know a nursery rhyme they would like to share?
bro: *waving arm just shy of the speed of light*
teach: go ahead!
bro:
jack be nimble
jack be quick
jack jump over the candlestick
and burn his little ballsies.
my parents didn't win any awards but i can now see how it just happens ...
recently my soon to be 3 year old was visiting at my in-laws. my SIL brought her brand new twins by. they cry a LOT right now. my darling daughter looked at them, leaned in close and said, 'put a sock in it!'. nice, huh?
I really don't think I can top that one, but I do have one of the neighbour's little girl, which to me was pretty amusing.
The neighbour's neighbours were doing some renovating, so it was really noisy and stuff. The little girl took me to the back door and we both looked out in to the back yard. Then the loud drilling started, and she looked at me and said "They are stupid buggers!" Her mum was in the kitchen near the back door, and she said "You shouldn't say that." The little girl looked earnestly at her mother and said "But it's TRUE Mommy! Daddy said so!"
I love her. XD
A couple years ago, I was working at a camp and one of my coworkers looked dead tired. I asked her what was up and she said that she had been woken up at 1 am to screaming.
She strapped on the first aid kit and ran to the sleeping area, thinking somebody had seriously hurt themselves.
When she got there, her twelve and thirteen year old girls were sitting in a circle, huddled in the dark, with unlit candles on the floor.
When she asked what they were doing awake and screaming, they told her:
"We were having a seance to try and bring Kurt Cobain back from the dead. But then we got scared!"
OK, three stories, all the same kid.
1. When she was 2, and having trouble with her tr sound, so that she said tree as fee, she shouted out, on a crowded street, "Look Mommy. A fire fuck."
The other 2 I was told about -- with unholy glee in both cases.
2. At 6 she shouted out from our front door to her best friend across the street, just as the mothers of every child I taught that year were coming out of the library we lived next to, "No, you don't either have to be a virgin to get married. My mother says she wasn't."
3. A few weeks after that, she was in class and one of the male teachers who was a friend of mine came in. "Hi, Tom," she calls out. "Hi, Julie," he answers. After he left her teacher commented, in explaining to the other children why a 6 year old would call a teacher by his first name, that Tom was a family friend. To which Julie added, "Oh, my mom went out to dinner with him, but she isn't going to marry him. She says she isn't even going to sleep with him."
1) At around 2 years old, my son joined me in the shower and said in a hushed voice, "Mummy's penis broken!"
2) He climbed on the bed one day, where I was lying on my back. He patted me on the chest worriedly and said "Mummy's boobies gone!" Then he patted around to under my armpits and said "There they are!" Thanks for the reminder, kid.
3) The only damn door in the house that he can open is the bathroom door. He wandered in one day as I was changing my tampon and said excitedly, "That's jam!"
LOL Jexia
My girlfriend used to bath with her little boy until one day he suddenly noticed she was different to him and stated loudly "Mummy, you've got whiskers" then proceeded to tell everyone else he saw the next day
I have a grown daughter that I raised with another woman. When she was four, we left her one afternoon with my parents to go shopping. My Baptist father usually slept afternoons away on the couch while my far more progressive mother delighted in children. Upon our return, I opened the door to hear our daughter saying "Yeah, he only hangs out with guys and wears a dress? Plus that long hair? Never got married? I just figured it out one day: Jesus is a Radical Fairy."
My father was sitting bolt upright, his eyes bulging. My mother was doing her best to keep from collapsing in hysterics. I rushed in to hush my daughter, but my mother said "Don't you dare." She repeated to my daughter, "Radical Fairy?" And the child says "Yeah, not like Bert and Ernie. They're more like preppie gay guys."
I can't get over the jellybeans. Here's one I was told by my parents, about the time when they tried to explain to me and my brother about sex.
They were talking about how the man's penis get bigger and harder and then he puts it into the woman's vagina. Apparently I was having some difficulty with the concept of a penis growing bigger and harder and couldn't figure out how this could occur. So my little brother decides to help out with an explanation:
"YOU know, Sharon, when you really REALLY wanna pee and your penis gets all stiff, it's like that, you must know that!"
No, I didn't know that, being a girl an' all.
When I was three, my mother advises that there came a day that we were at a petrol station, and she took me in with her to go to the loo. She had her period.
We returned to the petrol pumps, whereupon I announced to the attendant, "My mummy's got blood coming out of her bottom."
Makes me think of the time, my daughter's kindergarten teacher pulled me aside to share what my 5 year old daughter had said. Seems she had overheard a group of teachers and aides talking about attractive they found her Dad. However, she quickly set them straight: "I know you all think he's cute, but you've never seen him with his clothes off."
And I thought I had embarrassed MY parents....*ROTFLMAO*
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*still trying to catch my breath...tears streaming down my face...I can't stop laughing...*
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Thanks for making my day!! 
This particular example was of parents urging their kid to say embarrassing things, and totally getting a kick out of it. You gotta see it to believe it:
http://emuse.ebaumsworld.com/vid...deo/watch/
17813
When my baby brother was about three years old, he got hold of Mom's cloth tape measure and was trotting around "measuring" things. He didn't really know his numbers yet, but he was having plenty of fun. Mom was bent over, making up his crib, when he came up behind her, pulled the tape measure across her butt, and yelled out "Sixty eight!"
For my three-year-old's recent birthday party, I laid out a spread that included hummus and mini-pita breads. Unfortunately, my daughter couldn't quite seem to remember "pita"--instead, she kept calling it "penis" or "penis bread".
"Mommy, can I have another penis?"
"Mommy, are you going to eat some penis?"
Etc. etc.
Adults within earshot were struggling not to laugh, while I tried to gently correct her.
As much as I hate to say it, when I was little, I've pulled the "Chicken Bajinas!" (sigh.)
This one's actually about my younger brother - but it makes my parents cry laughing to this day. He was about 2 or 3 at the time.
Our neighbor was a veteran, and swore like a sailor (He used to wake my father up every morning by standing outside his window and yelling "Hey, fat boy!" "Morning, Howard."). And my brother listened to his every word like it was gold. Because he knew that he wasn't supposed to.
On one occasion, Howard was colorfully telling my parents about a woman he had seen that day, and how overweight she was. My parents dismissed it and my mum took my brother to the grocery store.
As they were waiting in the checkout line, they were behind a very large woman with a full cart, and had been there a while. Suddenly, my brother's face lights up and he yells: "Holy shit, mommy! That lady's ass is as big as a bus!"
The woman whipped around in a fury as my brother was glowing with pride at his command of the english langauge, and my mum grabbed him and hightailed it out of there, sans groceries.
After that, TJ was always kept in his room whenever Howard came over to visit. =)
Wow, Flea, that has my son's performance of Jim's Big Ego's Y2K song topped hands down!
A spontaneous performance (for company) at age 3, whereby he was naked, wrapped in a slinky, and jumping on a jog trampolene.
We have video in case he does something odeous as a teen and is sufficiently unrepentant that we feel the need to hack in and post it on his high school's website.
So ... when does little pocket poker girl learn the ping pong ball trick?
My husband was 2 1/2, from the country and one his first trip to the city with his dad. He sees a little American-American boy and shouts "Hey, Daddy! Look at the monkey!"
My father-in-law grabbed him and ran like the wind.
My 2 1/2 year old daughter was in the hospital for a month with pneumonia. As a nurse was giving her a bath, she asked "What kind of nipples do you have?" and the nurse replied "They're just like yours, only bigger." The next question was, "What kind of bottom do you have?" and the nurse replied, "Just like yours, only bigger." The kid said "Is it furry like my Daddy's bottom?" and the nurse fell on the floor laughing. That night, when my husband came to the hospital to visit, he nticed that all the nurses were giggling as he passed the desk.
No sex stuff yet with my daughter, thankfully. When our dog died, however, every conversation was about death. We were standing by an elderly woman, and my 3-year-old daughter says very loudly, "that woman is old, old, old, she's going to die soon". I picked her up and walked away.
ROFLMAO My (childless) middle sis emailed me about your post. Gotta share mine, though it's almost dull by the standards of the stories shared here...
My mom worked for the local Fish & Game department and my daughter loved to go in and look at the stuffed (taxedermied) animals displayed throughout the lobby. Her favorite was the fox. She liked to tell everybody about the fox at her grandma's workplace.
Unfortunately, at 2 years old, her pronunciation of fox was rather questionable, sounding more like "fock" than "fox". It more often came out as "I like fuck." We had to explain that one several times at church. Fortunately that stage passed after only about 6 months.
OH, and said daughter (now almost 10) just came in asking why I'm laughing so hard. So I had to explain to her. Man, to watch that child turn beet red!!!! *grin*
This thread is priceless.
I've remembered something my youngest brother did when he was three. We were in a swanky area of town outside a cafe waiting to cross the street. He was behaving himself by sitting on the ground and playing with a truck. A waitress in a hurry stepped over him. He got this look of concern on his face, toddled over to where she was serving a group of men her age and asked seriously, "Why aren't you wearing any underpants?"
She fled. He nearly went after her, still curious and worried.
One of my aunts has a fantastic story about her eldest son, who is now about 17. When he was four years old, his teacher had all the children in his class sitting down on the carpet having a discussion about families. My uncle was mostly known by a nickname, so the teacher asked my cousin did his mummy call his daddy [name] or [nickname]? My cousin's answer: "mostly she calls him Arsehole."
I used to run around as bast as I possibly could, sprinting circles around the house.
I was running as bast as my two-year-old legs would run. If you asked, I was always a little baster!
Grandpa says "a little WHAT?".
Oh, I don't know if I can top it, but I have a fairly good one. Some background is needed first... my sisters and I often joke with each other and say stuff like, "bitch, go get me _______". So my sister tells my other sister "Bitch, go get me fruit snacks" and my daughter says "Aunt Colleen, I not a bitch, I am Izziebell". We all laugh, explain we know that, she's not a bitch, etc...
Fast forward a few weeks. We are sitting at a restaurant with my kids, my husband and my mother in law. The waitress comes over to see if she can clear any plates and my daughter says "Mommy, I not a bitch". I turned 8 shades of red, and told her of course she's not and I knew that and would never tell her that. She realizes this has me very embarrassed and giggles ad repeats, "Mommy, Izziebell not a bitch". At this point, the waitress is trying to stifle her laughter, my MIL is mortified and my husband is laughing so hard he's about to fall off the bench. Then she repeats again, very loudly "Mommy, I NOT a bitch".
Oh, and one I did. My dad is a fundamentalist Christian who believed "real men" don't do a lot of stuff, and has a book called "Real Men don't eat quiche". I'm three and my mom and I are leaving the store when I see man with a ponytail, wearing a hawaiin shirt and sandals. I turn to my mom and announce very loudly "Look mommy!! Over there! It's a quiche eater!!" My mom said we booked it to the car after that.
That is a truly amazing story. Thank you for sharing it. It will help me keep perspective. I don't think I can top it, but I have been horribly mortified. Here's my story: Mortification in a Public Bathroom
Realizing what she's done, the woman covers her mouth, quickly apologizes, and runs out of the bathroom, no doubt to laugh her butt off while telling the rest of the people at her table what's going on.
I'm sorry. This is me. Constantly. No matter what the kids are doing, really.
One of the hazards of working in the kid's section of a B&N and being the children's librarian at a very small library. You either laugh at the screaming kids or start to hate the screaming kids. Often both at once.
As far as stories go...
ahem,
I once told my vice -principal that my older brother was the only kid may parents planned to have. (They have 4 total.) With my mother standing right beside me. Why did this come up? I had been dragged along to her open house - and my vice-principal's daughter was in preschool class she taught - and the three of us had started talking about something....I don't remember what.
Plus, I was, like, 12 at the time. Way old enough to know better - if I'd bothered to stop and think first.
When I take my dogs for a walk, I will say, Wanna go for a walkies?
So we're stuck in a plane, waiting for a gate to open, you know the drill, and my 3-year old is getting very antsy, and wants to get out of her seat and she screams out loud, "I wanna go f'alkies!" And I have to say in explanation to all the horrified looks, "No, we cannot go FOR A WALKIES."
**
At the nice diner we go to for Sunday breakfast, she knows the guy coming with the pot is going to ask if we want a cup of coffee. Except at that age she mixes up her letters -- she'll say, let's have brefkest. Let's have pasghetti. So when the guy/gal comes with the pot of coffee, she'll say, really loud, "Want some foccee?"
Oooh. this is the best one. I took my then 3-year old to story time. And the lady was reading a story about getting a hair cut for the first time. And she asked the kids, have any of you had your hair cut? And my damn kids says, No, but my mommy cuts her "nani" (our word for vagina) hairs and sprinkles it in the garbage. And she makes this sprinkling motion with her finger tips.
Maybe no one got what "nani" meant? One can only hope.
I've got three stories, none of them mine.
1) A friend of mine was married to a naval officer in the Philippines, and her 5 year old son was wiggling purposefully on the floor while watching TV. She asked what he was doing, and he said "I'm squishing my penis." She told him that was okay to do in private, but not in front of people. Fast forward a few weeks to a dinner party with her husbands coworkers and wives, and her son asks "May I be excused from the table to go squish my penis".
2) Another little boy was playing with his penis, and his mother tells him to stop. He says "ok". Five minutes later she looks at him again, and he is playing with his penis. She says, "I told you to stop that!" He looks at her seriously and says "The penis doesn't listen."
3) One of my sister's friends often tells her daughter that she'll be able to do something or learn about something once she is older. One day her daughter asks the mother why the mother has hair when she doesn't. The mother explains that she'll get "hair on her cooch when she is older". Fast forward a few days to a crowded supermarket, and the mother is telling her daughter to put back the candy, and her daughter loudly proclaims, "When I have hair on my cooch you'll have to let me buy candy!"
I have a little sister who's 18 years younger than me. One day when she was about two or three, we were driving down the street and she saw a young black guy walking along the sidewalk. He was wearing a doo-rag with two long tails hanging down his back, and sort of bopping to the music on his headphones. She took one look, her eyes got *huge*, and she pulled herself up in her seat, pointed a finger, and shouted "JAR-JAR! JAR-JAR!"
My son to his dad:
"Daddy, my pee-pee is just too big. I need a smaller pee-pee. A smaller one like yours, daddy."
Ok, you people HAVE to be making some of this stuff up, I mean, come ON.
My daughter's mother was very diligent about teaching my daughter the correct name for parts of her anatomy. One day when she was about three we were invited to a dinner party at my parents with a guest list that included my father's very proper boss and his wife. I was very proud when my daughter very politely asked to be excused from the table. She proceeded to the bathroom door then paused, turned to the table and screeched "Daddy! What's that other word for 'vulva'?" I prompted "vagina?" With a relieved and satisfied expression she replied "Oh yeah! 'Gina! Thanks Daddy, I forgot that one!"
My daughter was 3 when she was adopted, and so i missed out on some of the earlier kid things. But when she was about 3 and half, we were in the bathroom changing clothes. She reached over and tapped me on the chest and said, 'you have big ones.' then she touched herself on the chest and said, 'i have little ones.' so we had a chat about when her body would change, how her breasts would develop when she was 16 or so and that was that, i thought. A few months later, we were rushing somewhere when she decided that not only was she not going to ride in the backseat of the car but she wanted to drive. She wasn't yet 4. I was pretty frazzled, ordered her into the backseat and her car seat and then calmly tried to explain that when she was older, perhaps 16 or so, she could drive. And she said, without hesitation, "When i have big ones?" Not a publicly embarrassing story but I had to tell it.
These are all great! Two stories come to mind about my son, now 13, from when he was about 2 and a half.
Taking a bath, he proudly stands up and says, "Look, Mommy, I can make my weenus go up and down!"
While conducting services at the toilet for a recently deceased gold fish, we told the goldfish how sweet he was and how much we enjoyed his company. My son asked where the fish would go when we flushed. My first response was that he'd go to heaven and be able to play with all the other goldfishes there waiting for him. He said, "But Mommy, does God mind all that poop?"
When I was four or five, we lived in a one-bedroom house. I usually slept in the living room, either on the floor or the couch. My sister slept with my mom in her room. Every now and then I wouldn't have to sleep in the living room, and instead slept in the bedroom.
My mom had started dating again, she left us with a babysitter. I was notorious for being mean to babysitters, and had been told that if I was good I could sleep in her room that night. When the guy came to pick her up, I loudly proclaimed, that, if he was good, he'd get to sleep with mom.
She didn't date again until after I graduated college.
Sorry, but I find this story extremely difficult to believe. I'm inclined to call "Shenanigans."
I have a nephew names Hyrum (mormon family) but everyone calls him "hi" (high)
one day, my aunt is fighting his two older siblings (4 and 6) trying to get them into the car so she can go pick up hyrum. The parking lot is full, she is embarrassed that all the people are watching and so with no small amount of shrill - she shouts "damnit get in the car! I have to go get high!"
baaaahahahaha!!!
When I was 5 or 6 I saw two dogs mating and decided they needed help. I remember screaming over and over again at the top of my voice for my dad: "Daddy, help! The dogs are stuck together!".
When we were kids, our family used to spend quite a bit of time boating on various lakes - and bathroom breaks were taken casually over the side of the boat.
One n