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Jesus Christ no, I cannot top that!
I know! Can you imagine? And she's an otherwise lovely child.
Happened to a divorced friend of mine: She was having a small dinner party, and her five-year-old daughter came dancing out with her vibrator, which she had dressed in Barbie clothes.
Spit-takes all around....
There is no way I can top that.
That wins, hands down.
All I have are routine puking and pooping stories.
Can't top it, but it does remind me of my own "nature boy", as we used to call my son Gregory, who used to pop out of his bath or his room naked, and run around the house giggling when we had parties. Somehow when he was 7 or 8 he decided to be naked in private and would get embarrassed and scream, "mom, get OUT!" when I walked in on him in the bathroom. Go figure.
I do have a rather incriminating picture of my sons with their Dad all naked in the bathtub, though.
Wow. I can't top that, either. Though it reminds me a little of this conversation between me, my brother A, and our baby brother B, then perhaps 3 years old (during a dinner party, no less):
B: I'm having a bath tonight!
Us: Great!
B: Maybe thistle can help wash me!
Me: Okay.
B: Maybe thistle could wash my back?
Me: Okay.
B: Mommy, can thistle wash my back?
(His mom: Okay, whatever)
B: Okay. You'll wash my back.
Me: Fine.
B: And A can wash my penis!
A: Huh?
B: Hey, A, you'll wash my little penis, okay?
Delurking...
Years ago, I was traveling with my then-almost-4-year-old son, flying to visit grandparents in Florida. I was sitting in the aisle seat, DS was in the middle, and a pretty 20something young woman was in the window seat. She smiled at my boy, who smiled back, and then reached over and fondled her breasts with both hands -- he literally batted them around like they were hackysacks. Then he looked at me, and said, "I shouldn't do that, right?"
Thankfully, the girl was amused, once she stopped being shocked. I was just mortified.
Another time, while walking down the street, he told a random stranger that she was really pretty. She said thank you, and then he added, "And your butt is so big and squishy!" She didn't thank him for that one.
Mine is long, but worth the read. We were at the supermarket. My daughter was about 2 at the time. In front of us in line at the register was this enormous black woman with a bleach blond wig on. She was very dark. And very big. And very strange looking. My girl looked and looked and looked some more. She was puzzled, I could see it. I could also see that she was going to say something. I just knew it. The big woman turned around and smiled at my daughter sitting in the cart, and the little darling said in her very loudest voice "Is your vulva clean?"
The woman at the register almost passed out she was laughing so hard. The big woman laughed too, but you could tell she didn't quite get why my kid would ask such a question. Me, I was apologizing and laughing and peeing my pants all at the same time. I swear it, I thought I was going to just die of embarassment.
Half the store heard the kid, too. Laughter was all around. Mortifying.
Sweet baby jesus, I'm laughing myself sick, here.
My brother, who is 47, was about 3 or 4 when my mother had a piece of furniture delivered. Keep in mind, this was about 1963. The deliveryman was African American, and my sheltered brother had never seen a black person before. "Mommy, mommy!" he cried. "It's a chocolate man!"
He went on to pepper the poor man with questions, like, "Are you really made of chocolate?!" while my humiliated mother walked alongside the man, apologizing profusely. The man said not a word. Understandably.
My brother also had a bathtime incident in which he asked my mother what his testicles were. "I don't know," she replied (god knows why), and he said, "They look like balls. I think I'll call them balls."
My mom has been paid back several times over for whatever bershon bullshit she pulled with her parents.
I was once in a pizza place with my family, including my baby brother. We had finished eating when a man walked in and went up to the counter, and little brother stood up in the booth to watch him walk by. Then he said loudly, "Look at that man!" Of course, we all did. Then, with everyone staring, he said seriously, "He's ugly." I took him outside while my mom paid for the pizza--and he began trying to stop people walking by to lisp at them, still totally seriously, "There's an ugly man in there."
Well, when my oldest was 15 she went to my friend's house and stole all of her pain medication (the friend has fibromyalgia). She then proceeded to ingest a great deal of the pain meds herself and sold all the rest on the street. I was humiliated, and I'm still angry, 6 years later. I was humiliated when it happened, humiliated when I had to go to the police station, humiliated when the cop commisserated with me over what a rotten daughter I had on my hands.
So...not a cute toddler story, but it was seriously horrible while it was happening.
I can't top that, but I will be laughing at all these stories for awhile...
We were on vacation eating at a restaurant when a man walked in and passed our table wearing an eye-patch. My son (who had just turned 3) YELLED, "Look! It's a pirate! ARG!" I was very embarrassed all the while I was inwardly laughing hysterically. On the way out, he kept asking where the pirate was.
Mother of GOD, nothing even close, but with all the penis talk my three-year-old is doing these days, there is bound to be something.
I have a niece who is 4. When she was 2, my sister and my mom had her in the furniture store (quiet, as you might imagine). Suddenly Evie looked up at her mom and said "I BROUGHT MY BAGINA WITH ME TODAY, MOM. DID YOU BRING YOUR BAGINA?" She was swiftly escorted to the car by my mom. Then, just this Mothers' Day, at brunch, my sister asked me to take the same kid to the bathroom, since she had JUST been with her (this child has had poop issues almost since she was born). I did, and while Eve sat on the toilet, I stood in the main area. A woman came in and went into the other stall. We were in there for a few minutes when suddenly Evie gasped. "AUNT SANDY!" "What?" "I POOPED!" "Great!" "MY MOM IS GOING TO BE SO PROUD OF ME!" The woman flushed and came out of the stall, saying, "She just totally made my day."
Hm.. this one isn't as good as that, but its one of my faves:
Primo was 5.5 years old, changing at the Y next to a 3yo. They're both being silly and hopping around. Then Primo looks down and announces VERY loudly, "Hey, your penis is LOTS SMALLER than mine!" I thought the other mother was going to bust a rib trying not to laugh.
...and then there was the summer visit to Grandparents where I looked out the window to see that he'd taken his pants off in the yard and was squatting to take a huge dump in the flowerbed, butt pointed directly at the wall of windows of grandma's house..... I can laugh about it NOW... 3 years later.....
Oh god... no, nothing in my story inventory tops that *yet*.
I think I'd be in therapy over the pocket/penholder thing.
I've never been so scared to read comments, lol. Wow, I can't imagine seeing my poker buddies after that incident!
With the caveat that it's not as good as the pocket story...my mother still hasn't forgiven me for the conversation I had when I was about six with my Very Conservative grandparents. They asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up...and I said "A doctor, I think. Unless, of course, I get caught up in teenage sex."
A friend-of-a-friend story, but my all time favorite:
Son had recently interrupted a bit of mom-on-dad oral action. He brought it up Sunday morning in line at the bagel store with his dad:
"Daddy, remember that one time, when you were PEEING IN MOMMY'S MOUTH?"
Thankfully, we haven't had a really embarassing one yet. But we are entering that lovely stage (and, given Ellie's speech delays, it really is a lovely stage) where she says inappropriate things in public.
We recently dropped by a small shop we occasionally visit, since Ada was wearing an outfit the proprietor had sewn and we'd purchased for Ellie a few years before. Ellie pointed at the shopkeeper and said, "Old woman old woman old woman!"
(We've been really into the "I Know an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly" story lately.)
It doesn't top the pocket story (God, nothing does!) but my parents tell of when they had the bishop to dinner, and I (four years old) asked him how big his penis was.
My cousin-in-law's son Atticus was so proud of his bathroom success one day that he shouted for his dad, saying, "Papa, come see my new poop. It's like--ultra."
Not terribly embarrassing, sorry. My Lord, the pocket story.
My family-friend Dennis took his young family to church one day. His daughter, about 5, was acting up. He took her by the hand and started marching her out of church to give her some space to settle down.
She looked up and him and screeched: DADDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ME?!
Oh my, the pocket story is probably unbeatable, but I do have to say, LOVE the Barbie vibrator and the "Is your vulva clean?" Good lord!
My husband's oldest son now 16 traveled with his dad and younger brother to Florida on a visit when he was probably 7 or 8. They were
sitting near the wing of the plane when the put the flaps up or something. He jumped up and began screaming "May Day, May Day, the plane is going DOWN!"
A few years later he was at the park when a little kid fell of his bike. He ran across the field screaming, "Stand back, I am cub scout first aid trained!"
Don't think it tops that...but was quite embarrassing.
We were on a road trip when my daughter was about 3 and just potty trained. I took her into the rest area bathroom stall with me so we could both go to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down she said in a very loud voice "Mommy - why do you have hair on your bottom?" which received lots of giggles from the other women in the stalls...but was mortifying for me!
A story about my ex roomate's older sister. When she was three, she had a stuffed dog she carried everywhere. Her uncle asked, her when, driving if it was a boy dog or girl dog. She replied "a girl dog of course!" He inqired as to how she knew the sex and she responded by flipping it over and saying "see! it has labia!" (it was seamed up the middle).
I just hurt myself laughing. So far, thank GOD, my children have only been mildly embarrassing.
I'm sure that my day will come.
My 3 year old daughter barely knew my in-laws--basically they were strangers. While visiting with them for the first time in 2 years I whispered to her that if she hugged them goodbye I'd give her a piece of candy in the car.
They were thrilled at getting hugged but as soon as she was done she said "Where's my candy! You said I could have candy if I gave them a hug!".
I have a friend whose 16-year-old daughter has recently become a stoner. She's a great, smart kid but there it is. As she told us about her daughter we kind of all nodded sympathetically and fondly recalled those days.
When I mentioned that my 15-year odl daughter was just selected to be a varsity cheerleader on a highly competitive HS squad I got looks of horror and "EWWW!".
I'm loving all of these stories. I can't top the pocket, no, ma'am. I can fill my own pocket, but I cannot top the poker girl's pocket.
It wasn't in public, but it was a "Where the hell did that come from?" moment. I was in the shower with my son, about age 5, when he said with great consternation, "I hate the hair on your hah-ji-niss. It makes me throw up." (What is that word, anyway—a cross between vagina and "Your Highness"?) Never before or since then has he mentioned hah-ji-niss hair or said that anything about me makes him vomit.
Other times, if he bumped into my front side in the shower, he's say, "Oops! I touched your penis." (Of which I have none.)
Loving all of these - can't top but can certainly add:
During a moment of silence at the graveside services for my husband's granny, my 5 year old yelled out "hey - what's in the box?" I had to pretend to be bent over with mortification but HA - I was really trying to keep myself from laughing out loud.
Vulvas and barbies and pockets...oh my.
Yeesh, my family still gets mileage out of the story when I was at my great-grandmother's funeral. And it's deadly dull by comparison.
I was very young, around three, and since my dad was an assistant at services and had to babysit me often when they did the runthroughs on a weekday afternoon, I was way too comfortable with being in a church, if you catch my drift.
Being a typical young kid, and being pretty relaxed in the church, I asked my parents lots of questions. Loudly. So they gave me Life Savers to occupy my mouth. Which I chewed loudly.
Then my great-grandmother's casket came down the aisle, and I was asking so many questions about why great-grandma was in the box, was she being punished for doing something bad, why would she sleep in a closed box, that I was eventually escorted out by my father at lightning speed.
Did I mention that we were in the front row at church?
I'm amazed I can sit down today, frankly, given the spanking I got.
A story like any of the big three above would give my relatives apoplexy. (Lots of laughs, but, still, apoplexy.)
Can't top that by any means. But I was once on the bus with my friend and her daughter, who would have been maybe three or four. The daughter had been spanked earlier in the day (not endorsing this, just saying) but everything was resolved by the time we got on the bus. Except, the little girl - who, incidentally, looks like a fairy princess even now she's nearly a teenager, so you wouldn't know she was anything less than perfectly behaved - decided to ask, on a crowded city bus, 'why did you hit me, mummy?'
At my sister-in-law's 40th birthday party, my 3 year old was playing with all her cousins and having a great time. Late to arrive were a black couple we hasn't met and their young (~7 or 
daughter. My outgoing and sociable little girl observed, rather loudly, "Hey, there's a new girl here!" But, given her 3 year old lisp, "new girl" didn't come out as clearly as it probably should have to avoid a bevy of double-takes and my near heart attack. Luckily, my wife was quick on the draw and said, equally loudly, "yes, there is a NEW GIRL here. You should go introduce yourself."
Oh my dear....these have me laughing so hard at work that I might get myself in trouble!
My mom tells the story of when I was about....3 or so? Apparently her best friend thought it would be funny to teach me to say "Suck my di@k!" My mom told her several times not to teach me those things but, not having kids herself, she thought it was hilarious. That is until...
My mom was pregnant with my baby sister and we were at the emergency room. She had her best friend come with us to watch me while she got checked out. We were sitting in the waiting room next to a very large, burly man. I tapped him on the shoulder and in my 3 year old voice said "Suck my di@k!" My (then aunt) whisked me out of the waiting room faster than she could turn twenty shades of red! LOL
My son was about 3 and a half when my grandmother died. We went to the visitation and he asked if he could go up and see the Old Nana. My mother took him and and they talked about how she lived a long life and how she was better off.
A few minutes later, I saw him up near the casket again and I could see his shoulders and elbows moving back and forth. I ran up to the front of the chapel and he was holding onto my grandmother's rings and trying to get them off her hands.
I said, "WHAT are you doing?"
He said, "Takin' these rings."
"You can't do that!"
"Why?" he asked, "She don't need 'em."
The Old Nana would NOT have liked that one bit.
A good friend told me about her (then five-year-old) daughter staying with her mother for the day. Apparently, grandma had When Harry Met Sally on the TV, and when it got to the fake-orgasm-in-the-restaurant scene, M___ looked up and asked, "Nanny, what's she doing?"
Grandma replied, in defuse mode, "She just really likes her pie, honey."
"Oh." M___ went back to her coloring, then said, without looking up, "My mommy likes my daddy like that."
my friend, ken, was at the grocery store with his little niece, amanda, who was about 3 or 4 at the time. after they had finished shopping and were walking towards the registers, they passed an elderly sikh man -- who had dark skin and was wearing a turban. upon seeing him, amanda got all excited and shrieked at the top of her lungs so that every person within a 25 foot radius of them heard it, "oh, look, uncle ken -- IT'S A GENIE!"
ken, of course, was completely mortified -- but to the old man's credit, he just laughed out loud and told the little girl to make a wish. SUCH an awesome story.
xoxo
Aging can produce similar comments from adults, an elderly neighbor (who I barely know) of my parents once called me to ask how I liked my vulva. After I decided not to drop dead from shock, I realized she was talking about my car. A Volvo.
The embarrassing family stories of my youth all revolve around my younger brother.
My favorite, for humiliation: He was maybe 2 when we went out to eat, and an extremely fat man came into the restaurant. My brother's eyes went round with awe, and he announced (as little kids do, at top volume): "LOOK! IT'S HUMPTY DUMPTY!"
When I was about 2.5, my great-great aunt was over for a visit (a lovely woman, but my grandfather refered to her as the only maiden married aunt in the history of the world *g*) and I had just been "helping" mom vacuum. Now the vacuum -- an old upright known affectionately as Buellah -- was my friend. I would ride on her as mom vacuumed. Aunt Nell was talking to me, mom was changing the bag, and the hose the bag attached to was hanging out the back . . . apparently wanting my aunt to appreciate my friend, I proceeded to inform Aunt Nell that that was Buellah's penis.
Thirty-four years later, my mother still giggles at that story and the memory of Aunt Nell's face.
Usually my husband takes our 3 yr old son to the bathroom when we're somewhere in public, but sometimes I end up having to take him into the women's restroom. Generally nothing goes wrong, but when it does....
*3 yr old boy enters stall*
3 yr old: I locked the door, Mommy
me: good for you
3 yr old: I'm getting on the potty now
me: ok
3 yr old: Hey!
me: what?
3 yr old: There's a little mailbox in here!
me: no. no there isn't.
*woman washing her hands starts snickering*
3 yr old: YES! There is! Cool! We don't have to go to the post office, WE CAN JUST BRING OUR MAIL HERE!
me: No, it's not a mailbox. PLEASE don't touch it.
*woman behind me is done washing her hands and comes to stand by me, while laughing quietly*
*sound of "mailbox" opening*
3 yr old: it IS a mailbox! there's lots of room for mail in here!
woman beside me: OH MY GOD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Realizing what she's done, the woman covers her mouth, quickly apologizes, and runs out of the bathroom, no doubt to laugh her butt off while telling the rest of the people at her table what's going on.
me: Please, just finish going potty. Don't touch that thing.
Finally my 3 yr old got the idea that maybe he shouldn't be touching the "mailbox," finished his business, and got a very thorough handwashing.
I've got two (although "daddy remember when you were peeing in mommy's mouth" is just brilliant).
First story: PK loves, loves, loves to wrestle and horseplay, always has. His favorite game is "tick and lick" (I tickle him, he licks me). When he was younger, though, he had other favorite games. One of these I'd play, the other I wouldn't. Guess which is which:
1. "Mama, spank me!"
2. "Mama, kiss my penis!"
Second story: A few years ago, we owned a fixer-upper and luckily happened to have a journeyman electrician living right across the street. He was young and quite a hottie. Anyhoo, one hot July day he was over doing some electrical work for us in the kitchen. I've just finished asking him if he'd like a beer when he's done and PK says, "it sure is hot, isn't it?"
"Yep," electrician guy and I say.
PK continues: "It's so hot Mama's nipples are melting!"
I have no idea where that came from, but of course electrician neighbor had no way of knowing that. And I wasn't going to explain, because he and I were both turning red, averting our eyes, and struggling not to laugh.
When Hermes was about three years old, he was fascinated by his penis. What follows is a longs day of communication. First-Hermes in the bathroom at home "Momma, Poppa-my penis is HUGE, I mean it's really, really, big!"
Two hours later, on the phone "Grammy, I have a penis, and you don't. Don't you with you had my penis?"
Two hours later, at the store, to the nice old lady walking past-" Hey! Old wrinkly lady! I have a penis. It's big. I'd show it to you, but my mommy said not to....Hey...I bet I could even stick it in something, or...like...put an entire roll of paper towels on it or something. Stay right there, if mommy says it's ok, I want to show you that I could put paper towels on my penis!!!"
Hubby and I were duly mortified. Apologized, and hightailed it out of the store. I am convinved that to this day, three years later, they refer to us as the penis family.
I am not sure this can top any of these but I have to tell you a story. My son who was 8 at the time and who had already been told about the facts of life decided while at a local restaurant he should wash his hands before dinner came. After a few minutes he returns with a glimmer in his eye. "Mom, can I have a quarter?" he asks. I asked him for what. he then proceeds to tell me about the gum machine in the bathroom and that he wants a piece.
I told him that it was not a gum machine at all. Of course being 8 and a boy, he wanted to know if it wasn't a gum machine, what was it?
So I reluctantly explain that their were condoms in the machine. He then asked me if those were the things that you use so no one has babies, (I was surprised he actually listened, during our talk). I told him yes, and of course he decided that he didn't want one after all.
So dinner is served and after I venture of to the ladies room to wash my hands and low and behold the first thing I run into is an EXCEL GUM MACHINE! Man oh Man
My nephew was born when his parents were unfortunately separated. To his father's consternation, the mother decided against circumcizing the baby. His Dad, who is unaccustomed to foreskins, ended up with sole custody. The pediatrician told the father to make sure that his son's foreskin was retracted twice during each bath time to ensure cleanliness -- once for soaping and once for rinsing. When the boy was two and asserting more responsibility for scrubbing himself, Daddy reminded him of the "two retractions" rule. The boy pondered his father's admonition for a moment, then held up his hand with the fingers spread wide: "No, Daddy, five times!"
How precocious.
It was a few days after Easter when two of my friends dropped by my home to visit.My two year old and I had been working on going on the potty and she was pretty good about it except for putting her pants back on.My friends and I were in my kitchen when she came out of the bathroom with her shirt and underwear on,I was cooking so at first I didn't notice anything wrong.All of a sudden one of my friends is going "what's wrong with her leg" and I look and there's a rainbow of colors coming from her crotch down her leg.What the hell? I'm asking her what that is and she keeps telling me candy.Finally figured out she stuck jelly beans up her wussy not one but quite a few,I'm freaking and my friends are hysterically laughing so hard they were rolling on the floor.It really wasn't funny,and how the hell am I going to get them out? We tried holding her up under her armpits and kind of lifting her up and down hoping they'd fall out but it didn't work.I didn't want to physically remove them,that seemed gross and like I said the friends were no help.I finally told her if she didn't get those jellybeans out the Easter Bunny would never come again,no candy,basket,eggs,nothing.It worked and she never did anything like that again thank God.She got married a few years ago and while everyone was throwing rice,these same two friends of mine threw jellybeans.You got to love them.
I was maybe 10, my younger brother would have been about six. We used to fight and wrestle pretty rough when we were kids, but it was well known that to kick someone in the crotch was super-off-limits. My brother kicked me right in the business that summer, and it frickin' hurt, hurt like I knew why kicking someone in the crotch should be off limits hurt. So clutching myself in pain, I went crying to our mom: "Moo-ooom, Matt just kicked me in the BALLS!"
Deadpan and stern(where she got the strength I do not know), she said, "You need to go tell your father RIGHT NOW." Well obviously Matt was in some deep shit if Dad was going to get involved, so I stepped up the drama. Hunched over, pigeon-toed and wailing, I lurched into my dad's shop: "Da-a-a-aaaaad! (Snuff snuff) Matt kicked me right in the BA-AA-AALLS!" And my dad broke out laughing.
I learned about the differences in male anatomy over dinner that night, and it remained a family joke for YEARS. I don't think I've ever been so humiliated.
When our kids were toddlers, their father used to say, "you'd better be good, or I'll have to beat you with a big stick."
One day, they were acting up in Wal-Mart, and my daughter knew she was soooo busted. She looked at her dad and said, "Daddy! Don't beat me with your big dick!"
My husband turned 15 shades of red and turned and walked out of the store. I stood in line and paid, and we met him out in the car. He never stepped foot in Wal-Mart again.
A friend's daughter once emerged from the bathroom while mom, dad, and mixed company were playing cards at the dining room table. She was completely naked except for a string of toilet paper coming out of her butt, yelling "Look! I'm a horse!"
I, blessedly, have no children, but my best friend’s son is something else. Here are my top 3 favorites:
1. Two years old and on his dad’s shoulders walking through the mall, he sees an obese woman, points at her, and shouts at the top of his lungs, “NO FAT CHICKS.”
2. He announces to a room full of parents at the Open House at his daycare that he is a “brown kid” and a “monkey” as explanation of why his finger paint self portrait is darker than all the others kids (he’s Hispanic/Indian/Irish, the rest of the class is white).
3. At age three he announces publicly that there is a little man living in his butt who has a pair of scissors and somehow knows exactly when to cut off the poop at the right time. Three months later, the man in his but has an invisible friend who lives on his “little butt,” which is what he affectionately refers to his balls as. He proceeds to tell this to everyone he meets.
4. (I just remembered another jewel) We are sitting outside with a group of friends having a smoke, and he walks up to his mother and in an exasperated voice complains, “Momma, I peed in my eye -=sigh=-” to which she replies, “Why, yes, yes you did,” to his pee sodden face. He apparently wanted to see how it worked....
Can’t top yours, but this kid is a novel waiting to be written...
Once, we were on a family outing to the zoo and decided to take a bathroom break. The line to the women's toilet was about 40 people long and was snaking out the door, but my mom and sisters and I joined the line anyways and started inching forward. On the other hand, my dad and little brother (who was about 3) walked right in the men's room. A few minutes later, my dad walked out, followed by my little brother. My brother turned towards my mom (and incidently all 40 women standing in line for the toilet) and shouted in a loud a loud and angry voice "Mom! Mom! Dad didn't wash his hands!I told him to and he didn't do it. Thats gross, isn't it Mom! Tell him to go wash his hands!" The entire line of women started howling with laughter. My dad just kept walking as if he had no idea who we were.
Can't possibly beat any of those, but my boy did a good one at the gym once...
We were in the ladies changing room, and I could see him eyeballing a somewhat Rubenesque lady who had just come out of the shower. Naked. He marches right up to her, and says in his loudest voice,
"Why are you SO FAT??"
I of course wanted to die, but o her eternal credit this woman turned to my boy with great dignity and said
"Because I eat too many little boys" and swanked off. That sure shut him up.
This wasn't a public humiliation but to this day I can remember the look of horror on my Mom's face (and my Dad laughing) even though my ten year old self didn't get it.
Although she was rarely up before they were one Saturday morning my 6 year old sister managed to surprise them and promptly made herself at home between them on the bed. She then looked around and declared 'Hmmm, smells like someone's been eating salmon!'.
A friend of mine was working as a domestic cleaner and went after a job in a huge house in a very upmarket part of town, taking her 4yo. The lady of the house (very much the right word) showed her round, which took forever, and they agreed terms, then my friend took her leave:
friend: Well, goodbye. See you Thursday.
milady: Yes, goodbye.
4yo: GOODBYE, POOFACE!
milady: WHAT did she say?
friend: Er, she said, 'Goodbye, pooface'.
Unbelievably, she kept the job.
When I was about 3, my mother was a mahjong junkie and I heard much banter about her game nights at the dinner table.
The next night my mom hosted a game at our house. When one of the players arrived a bit early, I answered the door and announced, "Mommy, the cheater is here!!"
I don't remember my mom's reaction, but I'm sure she was mortified.
Actually, my best story are things that I did.
1. As a 5 or 6 year old girl, I had a shirt that buttoned up oddly along the botton. Basically, there were two overlapping flaps, that when buttoned properly, lay horizontally flat across my stomach.
Only I couldn't button them properly. When I buttoned them, the flaps combined to form a projection out in front of me. So, I trotted outside, where my mom was talking to the neighbours and announced proudly: "Mom! I know what the flaps are for! They're so I can have a penis!"
a few weeks ago, my three year old daughter started pointing across the room and saying, "look at that donkey, mommy" and I'm looking for a picture of a donkey...a toy donkey...a book about a donkey...I'm not seeing any donkey. Just then, a man sitting across the table from us said something and my kid blurts out "Mom! That donkey is talking!" I'm mortified and start pulling her out of the room so we can go over why he's not a donkey and on the way, she manages to get in "I don't like that donkey" and "It's not good, Mommy. Because donkey's aren't supposed to talk" and "I don't want to see that talking donkey anymore".
God knows what that was about. No, she hadn't seen Shrek and although the man in question is a bit strange and probably mentally ill, he in no way resembles a donkey.
I once took my friend's 5yo into a crowded restaurant bathroom. Because he was scared to stand by the sinks alone, I brought him into the stall with me, and this is what transpired:
kid: I'll close my eyes.
me: OK.
kid: Actually, I want to look.
me: OK. (kid opens eyes)
kid: Wow! You're hairy!
me: Well, that's what happens when you get older; you grow hair in all kinds of places.
kid: My mom's not hairy like that!
Of course, I had to tell his parents about this, because I was afraid that he might suddenly make an announcement about my pubic region over lunch. (I left out the part about his mom, though.)
When The Offspring was about five, I was in my room towelling off after a shower. I heard the door open, followed immediately by my son's voice: 'See - I told you my Mom had a flower on her butt!' I had to explain to him that we do not give our playmates show-and-tell tours of Mommy's tattoo...
Then there was the time, around age three, that he announced to all and sundry in the pediatrician's waiting room 'My Mommy does not have a penis! But she won't let the doctor cut mine off, even if he wants to! [He had recently overheard a conversation I'd had about why he hadn't been circumcised.]
When I was less than two, I was sitting in the cart as my mother went by the poultry section at the grocery store. Since my parents were a medical and nursing student, respectively, I knew all the proper names of body parts.
Was it any surprise that I yelled, " LOOK! CHICKEN BAGINAS!"
My mother wheeled down the nearest aisle as quickly as she could. But you know, the chickens are all lying there with their legs spread...
My own children have not exerted that degree of revenge. Yet.
nothing tops that.
My son, had this foot thing for a while (still does at times), and would put his face on our feet, especially mine, if they were bare. I had him with me on the last day of school at my daughter's kindergarten, where the kids could all have their parents with them, and he ran to a woman wearing sandals, and put his face right on her feet.
DID YOU BRING YOUR BAGINA?
Bagina. Don't leave home without it.
Here's one from my illustrious childhood. I had two cousins and their parents coming for a visit. I was very excited because I loved my Aunt and Uncle, who always brought little presents for us. And because they had a daughter that was just my age. So I was sitting out on the front step waiting for Aunt Fern and Uncle Chuck to drive up.
As their car pulled up, I screamed as loud as I could so my parents in the house would hear me. "They're here! Here comes Churn and Fuck. Churn and Fuck are here."
Um. Yeah. Never lived that one down.
One day, when I was less than two, my parents took me on a car ride. They were hippies and didn't think anything of smoking pot in the vehicle. I'd apparently gotten too old for them to do it around, however, because as soon as I smelled the smoke, I announced, "MMM! Apple pie! I LOVE apple pie!"
Another one: The grocery store that my parents frequent is called the Country Store. As many little kids do, I experimented with the name, stressing the wrong syllables, one time coming out with, "Mom and I are going to the CUNT-ry store." My parents laughed so hard and so long that I continued to call it that for years, so long that I eventually got embarassed without really knowing why.
Hmm, this sort of makes my parents look bad, doesn't it? Honestly, they're wonderful people. Ahem.
I really have to thank BitchPhD for sending me here. I haven't laughed this hard in ages!
Ah, it makes me happy to see so many references to the word "Bagina." My story happened when I was 3 or 4 and staunchly of the opinion that the word was pronounce BAH-gina.
For starters me and my family were sitting in the middle of Yom Kippur services...for those of you non-Jews out there, Yom Kippur is The Big One. It is a very serious and solomn holiday and A LOT of people end up going to synagogue--so to recap: serious occasion and lots of people present.
During the sermon, the rabbi said the word "vagina," so I turn and yell to mom, "MOM! He said VAH-gina! Tell him he's wrong, it's BAH-gina!! It's BAH-GINA!"
Wow. I never saw her get so red soooo fast.
I don't have anything, but this whole thread made my day.
My son was about 3 and still working on his potty training when I took him with me to shop for furniture at a store with lots and lots of couches displayed on the floor. As I looked, he tried out all the couches and chairs.
A salesman came by and spoke to me, and then spoke to my son, who was sitting in the middle of a big couch.
How ya doing, little fella?"
My son just smiled beatifically at him and said, in a kind of sensuous tone, "I'm sitting here in my poop!"
The couch salesman blanched and I hustled my son out to the car for a change.
Damn, I don' think I can top that.
The scene: A small get together, dinner with 10 or so friends at a popular Italian restaurant downtown.
Someone mentions that my daughter, then 4, was going to be one to watch out for when she hit puberty. My daughter hears then and then gleefully announces to the entire table (and most of the restaurant), "When my mom has her puberty she uses a pon-tam." I almost died.
When my brother was 3 or 4, my dad took us to his place of work while he taught a violin lesson to a middle-aged married couple. I was supposed to be watching my brother (I was 11 or 12), but I left him alone and went off to use the computer. I was so absorbed in what I was doing that I didn't notice that my brother was calling me until he yelled. I came out and saw him naked, with his hands behind his butt in order to catch his poop.
I went and found my dad and said, "[Brother]'s pooping!"
He said, "What, in his pants?"
I said, "No, he's naked, and he's pooping into his hands."
My dad went and took him into the men's room to clean him up. I only recently realized how humiliating this must have been for him...
thanks bitchPhD!
first, me and my bro both got kicked out of kindergarten.
me: I need some new crayons. None of these are sharp. I like sharp crayons.
teach: We can't always have new ones. Sometimes you have to use old ones.
me: Are you fucking kidding me?
***
teach: Does anyone know a nursery rhyme they would like to share?
bro: *waving arm just shy of the speed of light*
teach: go ahead!
bro:
jack be nimble
jack be quick
jack jump over the candlestick
and burn his little ballsies.
my parents didn't win any awards but i can now see how it just happens ...
recently my soon to be 3 year old was visiting at my in-laws. my SIL brought her brand new twins by. they cry a LOT right now. my darling daughter looked at them, leaned in close and said, 'put a sock in it!'. nice, huh?
I really don't think I can top that one, but I do have one of the neighbour's little girl, which to me was pretty amusing.
The neighbour's neighbours were doing some renovating, so it was really noisy and stuff. The little girl took me to the back door and we both looked out in to the back yard. Then the loud drilling started, and she looked at me and said "They are stupid buggers!" Her mum was in the kitchen near the back door, and she said "You shouldn't say that." The little girl looked earnestly at her mother and said "But it's TRUE Mommy! Daddy said so!"
I love her. XD
A couple years ago, I was working at a camp and one of my coworkers looked dead tired. I asked her what was up and she said that she had been woken up at 1 am to screaming.
She strapped on the first aid kit and ran to the sleeping area, thinking somebody had seriously hurt themselves.
When she got there, her twelve and thirteen year old girls were sitting in a circle, huddled in the dark, with unlit candles on the floor.
When she asked what they were doing awake and screaming, they told her:
"We were having a seance to try and bring Kurt Cobain back from the dead. But then we got scared!"
OK, three stories, all the same kid.
1. When she was 2, and having trouble with her tr sound, so that she said tree as fee, she shouted out, on a crowded street, "Look Mommy. A fire fuck."
The other 2 I was told about -- with unholy glee in both cases.
2. At 6 she shouted out from our front door to her best friend across the street, just as the mothers of every child I taught that year were coming out of the library we lived next to, "No, you don't either have to be a virgin to get married. My mother says she wasn't."
3. A few weeks after that, she was in class and one of the male teachers who was a friend of mine came in. "Hi, Tom," she calls out. "Hi, Julie," he answers. After he left her teacher commented, in explaining to the other children why a 6 year old would call a teacher by his first name, that Tom was a family friend. To which Julie added, "Oh, my mom went out to dinner with him, but she isn't going to marry him. She says she isn't even going to sleep with him."
1) At around 2 years old, my son joined me in the shower and said in a hushed voice, "Mummy's penis broken!"
2) He climbed on the bed one day, where I was lying on my back. He patted me on the chest worriedly and said "Mummy's boobies gone!" Then he patted around to under my armpits and said "There they are!" Thanks for the reminder, kid.
3) The only damn door in the house that he can open is the bathroom door. He wandered in one day as I was changing my tampon and said excitedly, "That's jam!"
LOL Jexia
My girlfriend used to bath with her little boy until one day he suddenly noticed she was different to him and stated loudly "Mummy, you've got whiskers" then proceeded to tell everyone else he saw the next day
I have a grown daughter that I raised with another woman. When she was four, we left her one afternoon with my parents to go shopping. My Baptist father usually slept afternoons away on the couch while my far more progressive mother delighted in children. Upon our return, I opened the door to hear our daughter saying "Yeah, he only hangs out with guys and wears a dress? Plus that long hair? Never got married? I just figured it out one day: Jesus is a Radical Fairy."
My father was sitting bolt upright, his eyes bulging. My mother was doing her best to keep from collapsing in hysterics. I rushed in to hush my daughter, but my mother said "Don't you dare." She repeated to my daughter, "Radical Fairy?" And the child says "Yeah, not like Bert and Ernie. They're more like preppie gay guys."
I can't get over the jellybeans. Here's one I was told by my parents, about the time when they tried to explain to me and my brother about sex.
They were talking about how the man's penis get bigger and harder and then he puts it into the woman's vagina. Apparently I was having some difficulty with the concept of a penis growing bigger and harder and couldn't figure out how this could occur. So my little brother decides to help out with an explanation:
"YOU know, Sharon, when you really REALLY wanna pee and your penis gets all stiff, it's like that, you must know that!"
No, I didn't know that, being a girl an' all.
When I was three, my mother advises that there came a day that we were at a petrol station, and she took me in with her to go to the loo. She had her period.
We returned to the petrol pumps, whereupon I announced to the attendant, "My mummy's got blood coming out of her bottom."
Makes me think of the time, my daughter's kindergarten teacher pulled me aside to share what my 5 year old daughter had said. Seems she had overheard a group of teachers and aides talking about attractive they found her Dad. However, she quickly set them straight: "I know you all think he's cute, but you've never seen him with his clothes off."
And I thought I had embarrassed MY parents....*ROTFLMAO*
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*still trying to catch my breath...tears streaming down my face...I can't stop laughing...*
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Thanks for making my day!! 
This particular example was of parents urging their kid to say embarrassing things, and totally getting a kick out of it. You gotta see it to believe it:
http://emuse.ebaumsworld.com/vid...deo/watch/
17813
When my baby brother was about three years old, he got hold of Mom's cloth tape measure and was trotting around "measuring" things. He didn't really know his numbers yet, but he was having plenty of fun. Mom was bent over, making up his crib, when he came up behind her, pulled the tape measure across her butt, and yelled out "Sixty eight!"
For my three-year-old's recent birthday party, I laid out a spread that included hummus and mini-pita breads. Unfortunately, my daughter couldn't quite seem to remember "pita"--instead, she kept calling it "penis" or "penis bread".
"Mommy, can I have another penis?"
"Mommy, are you going to eat some penis?"
Etc. etc.
Adults within earshot were struggling not to laugh, while I tried to gently correct her.
As much as I hate to say it, when I was little, I've pulled the "Chicken Bajinas!" (sigh.)
This one's actually about my younger brother - but it makes my parents cry laughing to this day. He was about 2 or 3 at the time.
Our neighbor was a veteran, and swore like a sailor (He used to wake my father up every morning by standing outside his window and yelling "Hey, fat boy!" "Morning, Howard."). And my brother listened to his every word like it was gold. Because he knew that he wasn't supposed to.
On one occasion, Howard was colorfully telling my parents about a woman he had seen that day, and how overweight she was. My parents dismissed it and my mum took my brother to the grocery store.
As they were waiting in the checkout line, they were behind a very large woman with a full cart, and had been there a while. Suddenly, my brother's face lights up and he yells: "Holy shit, mommy! That lady's ass is as big as a bus!"
The woman whipped around in a fury as my brother was glowing with pride at his command of the english langauge, and my mum grabbed him and hightailed it out of there, sans groceries.
After that, TJ was always kept in his room whenever Howard came over to visit. =)
Wow, Flea, that has my son's performance of Jim's Big Ego's Y2K song topped hands down!
A spontaneous performance (for company) at age 3, whereby he was naked, wrapped in a slinky, and jumping on a jog trampolene.
We have video in case he does something odeous as a teen and is sufficiently unrepentant that we feel the need to hack in and post it on his high school's website.
So ... when does little pocket poker girl learn the ping pong ball trick?
My husband was 2 1/2, from the country and one his first trip to the city with his dad. He sees a little American-American boy and shouts "Hey, Daddy! Look at the monkey!"
My father-in-law grabbed him and ran like the wind.
My 2 1/2 year old daughter was in the hospital for a month with pneumonia. As a nurse was giving her a bath, she asked "What kind of nipples do you have?" and the nurse replied "They're just like yours, only bigger." The next question was, "What kind of bottom do you have?" and the nurse replied, "Just like yours, only bigger." The kid said "Is it furry like my Daddy's bottom?" and the nurse fell on the floor laughing. That night, when my husband came to the hospital to visit, he nticed that all the nurses were giggling as he passed the desk.
No sex stuff yet with my daughter, thankfully. When our dog died, however, every conversation was about death. We were standing by an elderly woman, and my 3-year-old daughter says very loudly, "that woman is old, old, old, she's going to die soon". I picked her up and walked away.
ROFLMAO My (childless) middle sis emailed me about your post. Gotta share mine, though it's almost dull by the standards of the stories shared here...
My mom worked for the local Fish & Game department and my daughter loved to go in and look at the stuffed (taxedermied) animals displayed throughout the lobby. Her favorite was the fox. She liked to tell everybody about the fox at her grandma's workplace.
Unfortunately, at 2 years old, her pronunciation of fox was rather questionable, sounding more like "fock" than "fox". It more often came out as "I like fuck." We had to explain that one several times at church. Fortunately that stage passed after only about 6 months.
OH, and said daughter (now almost 10) just came in asking why I'm laughing so hard. So I had to explain to her. Man, to watch that child turn beet red!!!! *grin*
This thread is priceless.
I've remembered something my youngest brother did when he was three. We were in a swanky area of town outside a cafe waiting to cross the street. He was behaving himself by sitting on the ground and playing with a truck. A waitress in a hurry stepped over him. He got this look of concern on his face, toddled over to where she was serving a group of men her age and asked seriously, "Why aren't you wearing any underpants?"
She fled. He nearly went after her, still curious and worried.
One of my aunts has a fantastic story about her eldest son, who is now about 17. When he was four years old, his teacher had all the children in his class sitting down on the carpet having a discussion about families. My uncle was mostly known by a nickname, so the teacher asked my cousin did his mummy call his daddy [name] or [nickname]? My cousin's answer: "mostly she calls him Arsehole."
I used to run around as bast as I possibly could, sprinting circles around the house.
I was running as bast as my two-year-old legs would run. If you asked, I was always a little baster!
Grandpa says "a little WHAT?".
Oh, I don't know if I can top it, but I have a fairly good one. Some background is needed first... my sisters and I often joke with each other and say stuff like, "bitch, go get me _______". So my sister tells my other sister "Bitch, go get me fruit snacks" and my daughter says "Aunt Colleen, I not a bitch, I am Izziebell". We all laugh, explain we know that, she's not a bitch, etc...
Fast forward a few weeks. We are sitting at a restaurant with my kids, my husband and my mother in law. The waitress comes over to see if she can clear any plates and my daughter says "Mommy, I not a bitch". I turned 8 shades of red, and told her of course she's not and I knew that and would never tell her that. She realizes this has me very embarrassed and giggles ad repeats, "Mommy, Izziebell not a bitch". At this point, the waitress is trying to stifle her laughter, my MIL is mortified and my husband is laughing so hard he's about to fall off the bench. Then she repeats again, very loudly "Mommy, I NOT a bitch".
Oh, and one I did. My dad is a fundamentalist Christian who believed "real men" don't do a lot of stuff, and has a book called "Real Men don't eat quiche". I'm three and my mom and I are leaving the store when I see man with a ponytail, wearing a hawaiin shirt and sandals. I turn to my mom and announce very loudly "Look mommy!! Over there! It's a quiche eater!!" My mom said we booked it to the car after that.
That is a truly amazing story. Thank you for sharing it. It will help me keep perspective. I don't think I can top it, but I have been horribly mortified. Here's my story: Mortification in a Public Bathroom
Realizing what she's done, the woman covers her mouth, quickly apologizes, and runs out of the bathroom, no doubt to laugh her butt off while telling the rest of the people at her table what's going on.
I'm sorry. This is me. Constantly. No matter what the kids are doing, really.
One of the hazards of working in the kid's section of a B&N and being the children's librarian at a very small library. You either laugh at the screaming kids or start to hate the screaming kids. Often both at once.
As far as stories go...
ahem,
I once told my vice -principal that my older brother was the only kid may parents planned to have. (They have 4 total.) With my mother standing right beside me. Why did this come up? I had been dragged along to her open house - and my vice-principal's daughter was in preschool class she taught - and the three of us had started talking about something....I don't remember what.
Plus, I was, like, 12 at the time. Way old enough to know better - if I'd bothered to stop and think first.
When I take my dogs for a walk, I will say, Wanna go for a walkies?
So we're stuck in a plane, waiting for a gate to open, you know the drill, and my 3-year old is getting very antsy, and wants to get out of her seat and she screams out loud, "I wanna go f'alkies!" And I have to say in explanation to all the horrified looks, "No, we cannot go FOR A WALKIES."
**
At the nice diner we go to for Sunday breakfast, she knows the guy coming with the pot is going to ask if we want a cup of coffee. Except at that age she mixes up her letters -- she'll say, let's have brefkest. Let's have pasghetti. So when the guy/gal comes with the pot of coffee, she'll say, really loud, "Want some foccee?"
Oooh. this is the best one. I took my then 3-year old to story time. And the lady was reading a story about getting a hair cut for the first time. And she asked the kids, have any of you had your hair cut? And my damn kids says, No, but my mommy cuts her "nani" (our word for vagina) hairs and sprinkles it in the garbage. And she makes this sprinkling motion with her finger tips.
Maybe no one got what "nani" meant? One can only hope.
I've got three stories, none of them mine.
1) A friend of mine was married to a naval officer in the Philippines, and her 5 year old son was wiggling purposefully on the floor while watching TV. She asked what he was doing, and he said "I'm squishing my penis." She told him that was okay to do in private, but not in front of people. Fast forward a few weeks to a dinner party with her husbands coworkers and wives, and her son asks "May I be excused from the table to go squish my penis".
2) Another little boy was playing with his penis, and his mother tells him to stop. He says "ok". Five minutes later she looks at him again, and he is playing with his penis. She says, "I told you to stop that!" He looks at her seriously and says "The penis doesn't listen."
3) One of my sister's friends often tells her daughter that she'll be able to do something or learn about something once she is older. One day her daughter asks the mother why the mother has hair when she doesn't. The mother explains that she'll get "hair on her cooch when she is older". Fast forward a few days to a crowded supermarket, and the mother is telling her daughter to put back the candy, and her daughter loudly proclaims, "When I have hair on my cooch you'll have to let me buy candy!"
I have a little sister who's 18 years younger than me. One day when she was about two or three, we were driving down the street and she saw a young black guy walking along the sidewalk. He was wearing a doo-rag with two long tails hanging down his back, and sort of bopping to the music on his headphones. She took one look, her eyes got *huge*, and she pulled herself up in her seat, pointed a finger, and shouted "JAR-JAR! JAR-JAR!"
My son to his dad:
"Daddy, my pee-pee is just too big. I need a smaller pee-pee. A smaller one like yours, daddy."
Ok, you people HAVE to be making some of this stuff up, I mean, come ON.
My daughter's mother was very diligent about teaching my daughter the correct name for parts of her anatomy. One day when she was about three we were invited to a dinner party at my parents with a guest list that included my father's very proper boss and his wife. I was very proud when my daughter very politely asked to be excused from the table. She proceeded to the bathroom door then paused, turned to the table and screeched "Daddy! What's that other word for 'vulva'?" I prompted "vagina?" With a relieved and satisfied expression she replied "Oh yeah! 'Gina! Thanks Daddy, I forgot that one!"
My daughter was 3 when she was adopted, and so i missed out on some of the earlier kid things. But when she was about 3 and half, we were in the bathroom changing clothes. She reached over and tapped me on the chest and said, 'you have big ones.' then she touched herself on the chest and said, 'i have little ones.' so we had a chat about when her body would change, how her breasts would develop when she was 16 or so and that was that, i thought. A few months later, we were rushing somewhere when she decided that not only was she not going to ride in the backseat of the car but she wanted to drive. She wasn't yet 4. I was pretty frazzled, ordered her into the backseat and her car seat and then calmly tried to explain that when she was older, perhaps 16 or so, she could drive. And she said, without hesitation, "When i have big ones?" Not a publicly embarrassing story but I had to tell it.
These are all great! Two stories come to mind about my son, now 13, from when he was about 2 and a half.
Taking a bath, he proudly stands up and says, "Look, Mommy, I can make my weenus go up and down!"
While conducting services at the toilet for a recently deceased gold fish, we told the goldfish how sweet he was and how much we enjoyed his company. My son asked where the fish would go when we flushed. My first response was that he'd go to heaven and be able to play with all the other goldfishes there waiting for him. He said, "But Mommy, does God mind all that poop?"
When I was four or five, we lived in a one-bedroom house. I usually slept in the living room, either on the floor or the couch. My sister slept with my mom in her room. Every now and then I wouldn't have to sleep in the living room, and instead slept in the bedroom.
My mom had started dating again, she left us with a babysitter. I was notorious for being mean to babysitters, and had been told that if I was good I could sleep in her room that night. When the guy came to pick her up, I loudly proclaimed, that, if he was good, he'd get to sleep with mom.
She didn't date again until after I graduated college.
Sorry, but I find this story extremely difficult to believe. I'm inclined to call "Shenanigans."
I have a nephew names Hyrum (mormon family) but everyone calls him "hi" (high)
one day, my aunt is fighting his two older siblings (4 and 6) trying to get them into the car so she can go pick up hyrum. The parking lot is full, she is embarrassed that all the people are watching and so with no small amount of shrill - she shouts "damnit get in the car! I have to go get high!"
baaaahahahaha!!!
When I was 5 or 6 I saw two dogs mating and decided they needed help. I remember screaming over and over again at the top of my voice for my dad: "Daddy, help! The dogs are stuck together!".
When we were kids, our family used to spend quite a bit of time boating on various lakes - and bathroom breaks were taken casually over the side of the boat.
One nigh, my sister (six years old and a tiny somnambulist) came downstairs into the middle of a cocktail party. Pink-faced, she wordlessly climbed up onto the arm of a a comfy chair, hiked up her night-dress and presented her tiny behind to the assembly, and let fly. Horrified, my mother asked, "Peggy-sue! What are you doing?"
"I'm peeing over the side of the boat, mummy." She'll never live that down.
I don't know who to be embarrassed for in this next one:
The first time I went home with an old girlfriend of mine after a date, we sent the babysitter home and got down to it. During an early-morning recap, we heard her three-year-old daughter trying to manage the closed master bedroom door, and her comically-squeaky little voice: "Mom! Mom?!"
As we hurried to compose ourselves and let her in, the same squeaky way-too-cute little voice inquired in an exasperated tone: "Are you screwing in there?"
Three. Eesh.
I was about 3 and my brother Danny was 1. Granny was willing to take me off of my Mom's hands for the day to go shopping. Despite the fact that I had a horribly stuffy nose and my baby brother had dropped his bottle from the high chair on my face, causing a serious black eye, my mother dressed me in my fancy "going out" dress and bonnet and sent me out with Granny.
A lady in the store was making a fuss over my dress and asked how a pretty little girl got such a black eye. I told her straight away with my stuffed up nose voice, " My Daddy hit me with his bottle."
I guess it took a long talk with the police security at the mall to make them belive that it was my "Danny" and not my Daddy.
Here are a couple of good kid stories:
I was a innocent bystander for this exchange:
Son: (pointing at bald guy) Daddy, what's wrong with that man? Why doesn't he have any hair?
Dad: ...
Bald Guy: Don't worry, kid. In a couple years your daddy's gonna look the same way.
Dad: Good one.
This was an exchange between a friend of mine, Lindy and her 5yo daughter Mary Anne. My friend was putting up some pictures and pounding loudly on the wall with her hammer.
Mary Anne: What the hell are you doing?
Lindy: Mary Anne! What did you say to me?!
Mary Anne: I said What the hell are you doing PLEASE!
When my daughter was 3, she was running around the front yard as my friend and I were smoking. I flicked my cigarette a bit too hard and declared, "Damn, I lost my cherry!" My daughter ran around in sing song voice, "I lost my cherry. I lost my cherry!", over and over. (Before you get on my case about the smoking, I have quit.)
In an unrelated story but a few days after the above incident, my daughter announces at dinner, "You know (pause) boys have these things in front (long pause.. looks down at her plate..my husband and I think she is done) I LIKE That!"
My husband looked shocked, and I tried very hard to stifle my laughter. Not really embarassing, but more proof that she takes after her mom. OOP!
Does the age 3 years old seem to be coming up very often here? Should I plan on locking my 8 month old in her room for that year, or find some other way to keep her from speaking to other people?
My husband tells me of the time he was just a little kid -- at his grandfather's funeral -- he went up to the open casket and repeatedly poked Grandpa in the head, thinking he wasn't actually dead because he didn't "feel real." My hubby's parents were mortified.
Three does seem to be the magic number. My friend's three-year-old son went shopping with her one day when she had decided to do a seafood feast for her upcoming dinner party.
Just as they were about to hit the checkout stand, her son sees a family friend and yells loudly across the store, "Jim! JIM! MY MOM HAS CRABS!"
I have a few... the joys of having two kids.
My dad thought it would be funny to teach my two-year-old son to say "take a hike, bitch" when he made the hitchhiking thumb motion. Of course, on the first day of preschool, the teacher throws her thumb over her shoulder and says "everyone in the classroom" to which my son sweetly looks up at her and says "take a hike, bitch". They sent him home. *dies*
My daughter, at 5 years old, called one of my adult male friends "daddy". He was just around a lot. One day when she was misbehaving, he walked into the room and asked her what she was doing. She turned around, shook her bottom at him, and said "Spank me, Daddy!" all the while slapping herself on the behind.
Ok, this is a long one....
I received a phone call from another mother to tell me about my daughters questionable language that she had overheard during a "speaker" phone conversation with her daughter, Sarah. Couple days later, after the punishment, I was inquiring as to where she had learned this particular word...."school" she tells me
I then asked her if Sarah used words like that. "Sarah calls the boys a name that makes them really really mad."
Me: "What does she call the boys?" After much assurance that she would not get into trouble, and that I won't be mad.
She tells me "Sarah calls the boys dickless. What does dickless mean?"
Me: What do you think it means?"
"Well, I know that boys have a penis, and it is sometimes called a dick, so that would mean that the boys have not penis. I guess I see why that would make them mad."
So I tell my daughter that she should talk to Sarah about not talking like that, cause if her mother found out, I bet she would get into alot of trouble.
Fast forward a few days in the produce section of the grocery store. I am on one end of the section, and my daughter is on the other end. Yelling at the top of her lungs...."mom I told Sarah not to call the boys dickless anymore, and she said she wouldn't."
Me: "Good job honey"
I was 3 or 4; this would have been 1968 or 69. We were visiting my mom's family, and we went out to dinner at a VERY fancy Japanese restaurant. Now, Japanese restaurants were much more rare and special than they are now, and this was an ultra-swanky Japanese restaurant, with geisha waitresses, paper shoes, and sitting on the floor.
Well, at some point, I became somewhat frustrated with the menu (there being no fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, or hot dogs). So I stood up, hands on my hips, and said VERY loudly, "Don't they serve any REAL food here?!"
I know I got shushed. I'm pretty sure dad took me outside.
Of course, now, I love sushi and I'm dating a Korean guy. Mom LOVES to tell that story. Often.
Have to write this.
My 6-year old son has a neuromuscular disease and uses a wheelchair.
A couple of years ago, he fell off of his bed when I had my back turned, requiring a trip to the ER, but everything was fine. Not even an x-ray.
I picked him up at school recently and his teacher told me, "You should talk to him, because he's telling everybody that he can't walk because his Mommy let him fall off the bed."
I don't have kids yet, so here's what I did to my mother...
One day at a store I was acting the fool, I was 3 at the time, so my mom gave me the typical "stop it or get slapped" speech under her voice as parents do. I then threw myself onto the floor and slid across an aisle while screaming "She hit me!" at the top of my lungs.
I got whooped in parking lot.
One for each of my kids.
When my daughter was 3 we were browsing in the kids section of Borders for a new book. It was close to lunchtime and she was WELL aware that there was a Fuddrucker's restaurant next door (you could smell the burgers in the back of the bookstore). She asked, quietly, if we could eat next door and I told her not today. She threw herself to the floor and yelled "I want Fuckerers right now!" It took me six months to get the nerve to return to that store.
My son had a habit into elementary school of grabbing his penis when he was nervous. His first grade teacher talked with me about it a few weeks after school started. The next morning I reminded my son to keep his hands off his penis ALL day at school. Midmorning I get a call from the school nurse, could I please bring a change of pants and underwear to school right away, because he'd peed on them in the bathroom. (Thankfully I worked from home.) I ran right over and asked my son what happened. He gave me this exasperated look and told me "I know what you said but I can't pee without using my hands, my penis goes all crazy!" Yes, I modified those instructions.
when my daughter was about 5, we were riding the el train, and she announced, at a suitably quiet moment, in a lovely piping voice, "Mommy, why is everyone on this train black except for us?" (btw-- neither are we white)
Not humiliating exactly, but not the sort of question you want to explain in front of those concerned.
My sister was probably happy this conversation happened in the privacy of my minivan with only my family present.
5 year old niece: I can blow bubbles with my bagina.
My sister: I told you to stop eating soap.
Me: She is SO coming home with a note the first day of kindergarten
When I was a Big Sister, my six-year-old Little Sister and I went to the mall on one of our outings. It was early in our relationship and she was still figuring out whether or not she liked me (eventually she decided she did!), so she usually walked a bit away from me. The parking garage was pretty busy that day, so I asked her to hold my hand. She refused, and wandered into the oncoming traffic, so I just grabbed her hand and went for the escalator. At that point, she started screaming, "Don't touch me! It's my body! DON'T TOUCH ME! IT'S MY BODY!" and continued to do so all the way up the escalator. Yeah, that didn't turn people's heads at all. ;^)
Here's my first story: I'm a dad, and I have my four year old son with me and I'm taking him to see Finding Nemo. So before the show begins I take him to the bathroom to pee. I ask, "Do you need to go?"
"No, daddy." I think Good!, I can just have a quick one at the urinal instead of going into a stall with him.
So I move to a urinal and unzip. As I am peeing, my son sidles up, takes a good look and says in that announcing-to-the-world voice that four year olds have, "OH MY GOD, DADDDY, YOU HAVE A *BIG* *LONG* PENIS."
I zip up and mutter, "Thanks for the advertising," and leave the bathroom accompanied by the silently shaking shoulders of all of the other guys at the urinals and sinks.
A story from my dad. My dad does maintenance for the school system. One day he is fixing a door when an adorable first grade boy comes up to him and asks "Is that a damn door?" My father looked at him and says, "No, it's just a regular door." "Oh," the boy says.
My little brother (6) once came out of the bathroom with one of my mom's tampons. He was very excited and just had to tell everyone that there were HUGE FIRECRACKERS in the bathroom! See!?
Also, he had a bad infection from improper circumcision, at about the same time. So he would randomly go up to my mom, whip it out to show her, so she would know that it hurt/was swollen. In front of the neighbors.
These stories make me want to point out to my mom how easy she really had it.
One of the most embarrassing things I did as a kid happened in a restaurant. I was pretty young, maybe 2 or 3. This was in the early seventies; instead of a bunch of little packets, sugar was found in a big containers with a large opening to pour with. Apparently, the shiny head of a bald man sitting in the booth directly behind me caught my attention. I promptly stood up on the seat, grabbed the sugar, turned around, and dumped it on his head.
Fortunately, the man was very understanding, but the story was trotted out for my mortification many times over the years...
The rest of us were teenagers when my baby brother was born, so he grew up in a household of adults. It was inevitable that the darling boy would pick up some language that was less than appropriate for one of his tender years.
When he was two, he was planted on the floor in front of the TV, watching raptly. Mom told him to go change into his pajamas because it was getting near his bedtime. He ignored her. She told him again. He ignored her. Mom's third warning was the last. When he ignored her yet again, Mom stalked across the room, snatched him up under one arm, and started marching off toward his room. She nearly dropped him, however, when the little kid shrieked, "Damn it, Mommy! I don't want to go bed!"
No kids yet, but a close friend related this beauty...
Mum and Dad go out to brunch at a trendy cafe with their 3 year old in tow. The cafe is humming with plenty of loud conversation happening. In one of those weird confluences of circumstance, the room goes almost quiet just as the little girl announces in a loud voice...
"Daddy! I can smell your penis."
Mortification ensued.
A few things happened to my play-grandson T when he was 3-4: his mom had a baby, and he learned the name for his penis. He spent quite a lot of time that year noticing women who had big bellies, and telling them so. He also talked loudly in public places about his penis.
He enjoyed the sensations he caused, so we had to get very strict with him.
One day, we were ordering at McDonald's, and the clerk was Black. Tristan asked 'WHY ARE YOU BROWN?' Since he got a laugh for that, he turned to the woman next to us and said, 'YOU HAVE A BIG BELLY'. One look at my face told him how much trouble he was in, so he turned back to the lady and to make it up to her, very politely said, 'DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY PENIS?'
One. Two. Three.
And I thought I had used up all my blushes.
Wonderful and funny stories. I never thought a blog would be this much fun to read.
i was waiting in the grocery checkout line with my two year old. my purse was sitting next to him in his seat area in the cart. he starts saying, "i'm hungry" and rifling through my bag looking for a snack. then he whips out a tampon, and says "mommy i want this string cheese!" i'm not sure who was more mortified, the teenaged checkout clerk or me!
I've been laughing till I cried reading these. My own anecdote can't quite measure up, but for what it's worth ...
My brother finished potty-training shortly before he was 3. The hardest thing for him was wiping himself off after a poop, so he used to ask for help. Totally normal, right? Well, our father (a lawyer) had fallen into an unfortunate pattern of letting his clients call him at home, even on the weekends. So one Sunday, Dad was on the phone with a client, talking in his Official Lawyer Voice. Suddenly, my brother (who had a very husky and loud voice for his age) bellowed: "DADDY! COME WIPE ME!" His demand could be heard all through the house, so I'm sure the client heard it too. My dad cut the conversation short, saying, "I'll call you back."
These are nearly all too good! Oy vey. Out of respect for my partner (who's watching TV) I'm having to stifle all manner of snorts and guffaws. So let's see if I can garner a titter or two from you! This happened to my sister while she was out with her two young boys.
They were standing in a checkout line at a non-food store when the man in front of them (she assumed it was him because of his squirming motions) passed gas... silently. A moment later, one of the boys said, in a barely passable 'inside voice', "Mom? It smells like McDonalds in here. Is there a McDonalds here?" And his older brother said (in a louder voice), "Wow! It *really* smells like McDonalds! Phew!" She waited until she was alone with her husband later to break down in a laughing fit.
So many good stories.
A co-worker lived out in the country, and her husband would just step up to the nearest tree when he had to pee, particularly if he was working in his shop.
They didn't know how much their 3-year old daughter was taking this behavior to heart until the night of a big dinner party.
Suddenly, out the dining room window, there's she is, walking up to the beautiful sugar maple, pulling down her pants, and peeing on the tree. Yes, standing up -- and aiming, somehow.
Loved the "mailbox" in the bathroom stall story!
My daughter had an imaginary duckling friend for about six months. It's name was "Pecker" and she carried him in her palm everywhere while making announcements like, "Look at what my Pecker is doing!" and "Lift me up so Pecker can see!"
When my son was about three, he was on the second floor doing his bathroom business and I was in teh basement putting on a load of laundry. I heard the doorbell ring, but my son beat me to the door. I got there in time to see him welcoming his friend Karen into the house... naked from the waist down. They had the following casual conversation:
Karen: You have a dingie. My brother has a dingie. My father has a GREAT BIG dingie!
My son: Well, I have a GREAT little dingie!
My littlest sister is about 13 1/2 years younger than me, and has always had a huge contrary streak which has put her at odds with my stepmother (her biological mother) since she was very small.
The scene: My Christmas visit home, around 8 AM or so. I'm staying in my old room at the top of the stairs. I'm not really awake, but sort of dozing. I'm aware of the sounds of my stepmother squabbling with my three year old sister somewhere downstairs, probably in the kitchen. The fight reaches a loud conclusion, and my sister comes storming up the stairs past my room.
Now I'm fully awake, wondering what they're fighting about now, and hear my sister comes stomping back to the top of the stairs. My stepmother yells, "I told you to get dressed! You can't eat breakfast naked!"
And my sister screams back, "I! Am! Not! Naked! (Deep breath, even louder) I! AM! WEARING! SLIPPERS!"
I nearly fell out of bed laughing.
Pretty much sums up their relationship to this day.
My mother's mother has a ring on her finger with eight turquoise stones: one for each of her children. My mother's brother passed away before I was born, when he was a teenager. When I was about four, she told me the story behind the ring and I went, "But you don't have eight children anymore. You only have seven. Eight minus one is seven, right? Uncle Joe is dead. He died. So that's seven. Seven babies. Not eight. Seven."
I'm here from a link from Pharyungula, but I suppose I'll go ahead and share an anecdote of my own.
When I was about one or two, I had an odd aversion to having my diaper changed. One day my mother noticed from the smell and the way I was wiggling that I needed to be, shall we say, attended to. She made the mistake of saying to me "looks like your diaper's dirty," to which I vehemently replied "No, dipah dirty, no dipah dirty!"
To drive the point home, I began strongly squishing and rubbing my full diaper into the brand new carpet on which I was sitting. She says shivers ran up her spine at the sight of it.
Taking a different tack...
When I was 2 the Navy transferred Dad to San Diego. It was a long term posting so the folks bought a house. With a backyard that abounded in rocks.
So Dad and my then three year old brother set out to remove all those rocks, while I watched. Dad noticed this and said, "Alan, pick up the rocks."
I said, "No."
We went back and forth like this for a bit, with each iteration Dad got more and more frustrated. All too soon, as far as I was concerned, he had his belt off and was applying it to my rump. With each use he would say with some heat, "Pick up those rocks!" My reply was always, "No!"
After blistering my butt about 4 times he stopped, looked at me, and asked, "Alan, why won't you pick up the rocks."
I replied, as clearly as I could at the age of 2, "Dem not wocks, dem tones."
Came over from Pharyngula and have been trying hard not to laugh out loud since I'm at work.
My embarressing story: Child #1, at age 7, was reading everything. For midwifery, I had "Changing Bodies, Changing Lives" as one of my textbooks. I hadn't realized Child had picked up and read the book until one night at my in-laws house, with family all around the table, Child looks at me and asks " Mommy, what's cunnilingus?" (and pronounced it correctly since the book gave the pronunciation!) As the senior adults around the table had heart attacks and my husband and his cousins laughed hysterically, I answered that I would explain later, but it wasn't dinner time conversation! (In our family, that explanation was often used, because some of the family had trouble dealing with the graphic medical discussions we also had around the table...)
I did, as promised, explain later that night. No further questions, but a laugh that lives within the family.
My husband was on a very crowded train holding my 12 month old son, who was still breastfeeding. He was standing next to a very well endowed woman in a low cut top. My son leaned in, closer and closer, until his nose was about 3 inches from the woman's cleavage, and very loudly said, "Bite?" The whole train struggled to withhold their laughter. The woman was not amused.
I love these stories! And there definitely IS something about the age of three. I tell everyone that the person who invented the phrase "terrible twos" simply didn't let their kids LIVE to the age of three.
That being said, I have a contribution - not one of my kids, but the significantly younger brother of a friend. My friend was celebrating his 18th birthday with friends and family, but the real center of attention was the brother, who was just being potty trained. He had announced that he was going to go, and the grandparents and aunts and uncles stood in the bathroom doorway in anticipation. When the sound of success began, all the relatives began clapping and cheering. The brother turned around to bask in the adulation - without stopping the stream. He peed all over everyone's feet. It was quite a hoot for all of us who remained dry!
My humble offering:
I was at that age where you're totally fluent in English but constantly adding to your vocabulary. At some point I exclaimed a bad word in front of my mom. She pulled me aside for this conversation:
Mom: You're not supposed to use that word.
Me: But I heard Daddy say it.
Mom: Well you shouldn't just say it when you stub your toe [or whatever], because it means poop.
Me: Oh, okay. *noted and filed*
Cut to a few nights later, when my family is at a dinner party at my mom's coworker's house. I distinctly remember thinking something along the lines of "I'm going to go show off my new vocabulary word," before marching into the room where everybody was sitting and loudly, proudly announcing, "Mom, I need to go shit!"
Here are stories that happened with nieces.
At age two, just when my niece was figuring it all out, she was at the mall with my sister-in-law. As they walked through, she commented loudly on everyone they passed. “She has a ‘gina. He has a penis.”
A little boy visiting their home obviously had no sisters. He somehow got a good look at one of the girls, then wanted his mother to tell him why she didn’t have “feathers” like mom did.
My sister’s husband worked at a university. They took their 5 year old twins to a health fair at the university. They came running when they had found an exhibit with a model to demonstrate how males should check for testicular cancer, hollering, “Wow! It feels like the real thing!”
This one isn't very bad, but I think it's funny that it happened the day after I read this post. This morning I was walking with my dog and a 3-year-old neighbor kid. He asked "What is that red on your eyes?" I said "I have a rash." He replied "I have a rash on my butt." I managed to hold the laugh in.
Not quite a pocket, but...
A friend of ours was letting his 4 year old daughter help bathe her baby brother. They had talked about anatomical differences, but she apparently hadn't realized there was more to it than "just" a penis.
About halfway through the bath she suddenly burst out "DADDY! WHY DOES HE HAVE A PURSE? I WANT A PURSE!"
With more composure than I would have had, Daddy replied "Well honey, that's where he keeps the family jewels".
That's a laugher that is. But let me tell you of a story... My older brother is a little slow in the head you see. He's 5 years my senior (now 41) and when he was a wee lad our Mum had to teach him to use the chunty by himself. She likened him peeing in the pot as to a pontoon-aeroplane landing on Loch Lomond. Apparently after several years he took a liking to this and he would make noises while peeing that sounded like an aeroplane landing.
Aye, three years ago I was bringing the lad to the States and I had to explain how we were getting over the vast Atlantic. I had forgotten about the lessons of his youth.
He had been in the chunty and I hear screaming from upfront. Here comes Sean making aeroplane noises running down the aisle holding his wankpiece!
I yelled "Any more of you cheek and I will stickone oan ye, get out of my way so I can get the aligator back where it belongs."
Good times aye?
I have not been blessed with children yet so here are some stories from my childhood.
I was about 4-5 when we took a trip to NASA. While in the restroom I first asked my mom if this is where the astronauts go potty. Snickers from the other stalls. Then I proceeded to say this is how a man pees *standing in front of the toilet* and this is how a lady pees *sitting down* "Mommy when I grow up I'm going to be a lady." All my mom could say was "I sure hope so."
About the same age we went to visit My dad's parents. I proudly told my grandmother that Daddy had stopped smoking cigarettes, well except for the funny ones he rolled himself.
I come by it honestly as my father was pulled into the bathroom for cursing. After having his mouth washed out with soap his mother asked him "Now what do you have to say mister?" His reply, "That stuff tastes like shit."
1. When I was about 3, we used to regularly visit grandma's house. Every time, I would have fun playing with her cats, and on the ride home, I would ask my mom why we couldn't have a kitty, too. She'd always say no, and sometimes add that Daddy didn't like kitties. One day, we had this conversation, and my 3yo brain followed through to the logical conclusion:
"If Daddy dies, can we get a kitty?"
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2. I was making a 12 hour drive with my friend and her grandchildren, ages 2 and 4. I was pregnant, and the older one had a bladder the size of a pea, so we stopped a lot. At one point, I had both girls in the stall with me. They did their thing, then I took a turn without letting them out. The older one noticed some anatomy differences, which led to the following exchange (naturally loud enough for the whole facility to hear!):
J: EEEWWWW!! You have HAIR there!
Me: Yes, it's normal. All adults have hair there.
J: But it's GROOOOSSSS.
Me: It's not any different than the hair on your head. You'll get some, too, when you're an adult.
J: No I won't! I'll stop growing!
Quite a few people were hiding giggles as we walked out of there.
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3. I was in the post office with my 3 children and a big box. I had the baby on one arm and the box in the other, and my older two were milling around my feet. My daughter, 2-almost-3, likes to dress herself, so she often has shoes on the wrong feet or her shirt inside out or backwards. This time, she had one pant leg hiked all the way up to her crotch, while the other was hanging normally. I said, "M, fix your pant leg."
In one motion, she had her shoe off and pulled down her shorts and underwear and had them off her leg before I could drop the baby and the box and get to her!
Lord laughter is really the best.
A friend had re-entered the dating scene and found a new boyfriend, thus had to stop sleeping with her 4 yr old. She explained to the girl that she could still sleep in Mommy's bed sometimes, for a special treat, but not every night.
One day my friend's mom comes over in the morning and greets her granddaughter, asking her if she had a good nights sleep. And the little girl says "Yes Gramma, but I had to sleep in my own room because [boyfriend] was getting a special treat!"
I can commisserate or giggle uproariously with all of these. I have two children, ages 7 and almost 2. And I have 3 stories of many I'd like to share...
When my sister was about 2 1/2, she went with mom everywhere as did I, the infant in tow. One day at the bank, my sister wanted a sucker, as they always had those for kids at the bank. So in her loud, lispy voice, she asked the nice woman behind the counter if she could have a "fucker". Mom slapped her hand over my sister's mouth, turned beet red, and explained that she would like to have a lollipop, please. I was raised on lollipops...
My older son was very advanced in speech and my best friends absolutely loved having him around and watching his antics. When he was about 14 months old, he was sitting in the back seat of the car with my friend and begging for candy. I happened to have some emergency twizzlers on me and asked him what he wanted. He answered promptly, "I want sex!" My friend dissolved in tears of hilarity as I explained he could have one, not six.
My little one has a boob fetish. He'll grab anyone's, whether male or female and grin like the devil. One day at Blockbuster, he's squirming like crazy to get down and run amok (we learned our lesson the hard way not to let him do this there) and I end up swatting him on his diapered little butt to get him to calm down. Miraculously he does! And grabs my boob and gives it a good hard tweak. My "OW!" incites him to keep this up since I won't let him down. After a little bit of frantic movie selection to get out of there as fast as I can and stop him, we rush to the front of the store where I can finally hand over the movies I'd picked up in the hand that wasn't holding the little demon and grab his hand to make him stop. As I do this, I realize that the clerk is staring at me quite intently. I glance down and find that not only had he been twisting my shirt, he left a permanent "nipple" in the front, and had pulled my tank top (the kind with the built-in bra) off to the side in the process, exposing half of my other breast! I switched hips, covering myself with the child at the same time, snatched my movies as fast as I could and beat feet out the door. He doesn't along go to Blockbuster anymore.... I was immensely relieved to find a different crew working when I finally had to go back.
My then-2 year old son was at preschool once, playing with clay or Play-Doh. He was working with a lot of purpose and his teacher noticed and asked what he was making. "It's my dad," he said, as he rolled out a long tube shape under his hand. Before the teacher could remark or ask another question, he added, "Well, just his penis."
She shared that with me at pick up time and I laughed. My husband was not nearly as amused and wanted to know exactly how big (or not) the piece of clay he was working with was.
Thanks for the laughs!
When my son was about 3 he fell madly in love with Spalding's Pinky Hi-Bounce balls; he never went anywhere without at least three of them. So one day we're brushing our teeth, and he decides, hey, let's roll the Pinkys into the sink! Just then, his grandmother called. When I put him on the phone, he proudly told Grandma that he was washing his big, pink balls.
So, I was trying to make the kids breakfast when my daughter runs downstairs laughing saying that her younger brother is peeing in the bathroom.
"That's where he is supposed to be peeing, honey."
"No Dad! He's peeing all over the bathroom!"
Now my son is four and, being already able to read, I assume that he is fairly intelligent for his age. I was sure that my daughter was exagerating. I walked upstairs to see what it was he was up to.
When I opened the bathroom door, I found my son standing there butt-naked, the lid to the toilet seat down and urine all over the floor, the rug, the walls and the bathtub. Naturally, I exploded. "WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE DOING?!?!"
Having been put on the spot, Mason stammered for an answer. "But...ah..I ...was...buuuuh...guuuh...do.." Realizing that he was in serious trouble, he then just started a line of pathetic whimpering.
"WHY ARE YOU PEEING ALL OVER THE BATHROOM?!?!?"
He covered his naked posterior with his hands, knowing very well that when I was done with him, he was going to end up with a butt that would make him the the biggest sex symbol that babboon world had ever seen. Bursting into tears, he cried, "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS AN ACCIDENT?!?!? WERE YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR PEE-PEE WHEN IT SUDDENLY WENT OFF?!? WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO TRY TO PEE ALL OVER THE WALLS?!?"
"I WASN"T TRYING TO PEE ON THE WALLS!"
"DON'T LIE TO ME!!! IF YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO PEE ON THE WALLS, THEN WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO PEE ON?!?!"
With a gut wrenching, soul searing wail, Mason then cried, "I WAS TRYING TO PEE ON THE CEILLLLLLIIIIINNNGG!"
To add insult to injury, my daughter wrote about the incident and turned it into her teacher. A picture of that can be found at: http://jepreport.blogspot.com/20...n-it-
rains.html
Jep, that picture is absolutely priceless. A thousand words, indeed.
This post just made my day. It's amazing how children made those unforgettable events a wonderful story.
Loving these, nearly spat onto the keyboard many a time.
My daughter then 2 pointed at a naked boy's willie and said in a loud voice "You've got a silly bottom" For what it's worth, I agree.
This one wasn't as publicly embarrasing as it was personally.
A number of years ago, when my first daughter Sofia was about 6-7 months old....she used to love to be held high in the air and for me to toss her up and down (gently mind you). I'd hold her under her arms and lift her over my head while she looked down at me and I'd toss her up just a few inches up out of my hands and back down. She'd laugh, and laugh...
So this one day my wife brought her down to visit me at the restaurant I was working at. It was in the break between lunch and dinner and there weren't many customers around. My wife handed my daughter to me as I was standing behind the front counter. As per usual, I said 'HI Sofie!' and lifted her up in the air. As I am holding her over my head, looking up at her, my wife calls over to me and says "You might not want to do that, she just nursed." I turned my head, looked over at my wife and say, "Nah, I think she's okay".
Now, I was already turning my head back to look up at my daughter right as the second half of the word "Okay" was coming out of my mouth. At that very moment, there was this little sound that went "urp!" and something came out of my daughter's mouth as well...and dropped right into my open craw.
"YEECH!" "PEH!" "PTUI!"
Needless to say, on that day I certainly learned when to keep my mouth shut.
Well, a paltry offering. A friend of mine told me that as a child of 8 or 9 she had just learned quite a bit about the wonders of the human body, including the technical names for a lady's cycles and the act of self-pleasuring. She mixed a few things up, which resulted in her asking loudly in a crowded elevator, "Mommy! Are you masturbating NOW?" "Menstruating" wouldn't have been all that much better, but a little...
When my niece was a toddler, she and her mom were walking through the mall, and A. said, "Mommy, let's race!" So they went running down the mall, A. shouting at the top of her lungs, "Mommy, don't beat me! Don't beat me!" (In our family, you spoke of winning a race or game as "beating" the other person in the race. As in, "We had a race, and he beat me.") My SIL suddenly realized what other people would think, and ended the race.
When my son was 3 (the magic age), we took him on a visit to the National Gallery. We were walking through the sculpture gallery that leads to the da Vinci exhibit. My son was in my arms, half asleep, when he saw a bronze sculpture of Hermes he liked. In that piercing voice three-year-olds use to make important announcements, he exclaimed, "Look, mommy! A penis!" The Japanese tourists that had just entered the hall were highly amused.
I plan to tell this story at his wedding.
When I was in college 25 years ago, I worked at a building supply store (Handyman, to be specific) in the plumbing department.
One afternoon, as I was helping a guy select parts for his home repair, he noticed his young son had wandered off. We found him one isle over, pants down, using a display model toilet. The dad was mortified, and I laughed my a** off until the manager made me clean it up.
My sister has triplets (God bless her!) and when they were 3 I was racing up and down the hallway with them. I would run behind the furniture to hide and when they found me off we'd go again. Well, Aunt Shelly was getting tired and on one last trip down the hall I collapsed into a chair. Suddenly one of the boys, Noah, starts yelling "you're sitting on my woody you're sitting on my woody"
I hadn't realized his Woody doll from Toy Story was in the chair!
My friend, her five-year-old son Jack and I were at a fancy dinner. She had on a fairly revealing dress, and a lot of cleavage was visible.
At one point, the conversation lagged. So Jack looked at his mom and said, quite seriously, "I would rather chew my arm off than wear what you're wearing."
2 stories my mother likes to tell me about:
When I was small, my father worked abroad, so my sister and I were not that close to him.
My sister called him by "Uncle" (she was probably 6 or 7), whereas I called him by his first name.
So my Dad was taking me, when I was 2 or 3, on a flight to Europe one time, and he went to the smoking cabin/area. I was sleeping then and when I woke up and saw he wasn't there, I ran up and down the aisles of the plane screaming "Laimund! Laimund! Laimund!" (couldn't pronounce my R's, and didn't speak English back then)
On our flight back to Asia, maybe because of the temperature difference, there was dew or water droplets on the ceiling of our seat. I pointed up and said in Portuguese "It is raining" to my mother. The Portuguese lady behind us cried oh lord and started praying...
My mother claims that I was the relatively easy child compared to my sister though. I wonder what my sister used to do?
Supposedly when my niece was 3 she told a stranger "when I have a boyfriend, I'm going to kiss his penis."
oh one more! When my sister was little in church one day, she swung rosary beads round and round and yelled out at a quiet moment: "hang on jesus! you're going for a ride!"
I was 8-1/2 months pregnant with my second, and the first was not quite 4. We were in a restaurant, and naturally I had to go to the bathroom. My son wanted to go to the bathroom too, and my husband had already taken him 3 times during that meal. So I dragged him along with me.
Into the small and crowded stall we went, where he stood around and sang and fussed with the toilet paper and such. He turned around toward me, which meant his face was just about at crotch level, and he suddenly yelled, "Pee-YEW, your VERGINA is YUCKY!" at the top of his voice.
I wanted to live in that stall for the rest of my life.
Ok. So. Consider this entry dedicated to my own beleaguered mother.
1) I was five, and had recently had the where-do-babies come from talk, which I had obviously tuned out a bit, because...
At my mother's best friend's wedding. Everyone sitting in rapt attention for the vows, watching the tearful/smiling couple. From the pews, an agitated small voice is heard:
"Mother, I don't see the sperm. When do the sperm swim across?"
2) I, still 5 and a pale child, was frolicking in my grandparent's yard in a peach colored bathing suit. My aunt Maggie hollers across the lawn "Violet, are you wearing anything?"
I sigh, and then after an exasperated pause, reply "Jesus, Maggie, if I were naked you would see my bellybutton."
Duh.
As far as my Mother and a long time friend of ours are concerned, my arse is grass and they are the ones mowing it!
1) I was 2 and 1/2 and the friend who was 17 at the time was babysitting me. She was giving me a bath and went to wash my hair, to which I screamed F*** OFF! She was mortified. She still reminds me to this day. I grin in triumph.
2) My Mum used to take me into town to the mall. Our friend came along one time and after that, I was known as Spot. Every few steps we took, I would stop, pull out the boyhood and pee on any plants in the immediate area. They're still plotting revenge to this very day. It's only been 25 years. Must be a beauty!
I had a friend years ago (I met through our mutual manicurist) who had a 7 year old boy who was quite the ladies man even at that tender age.
We ran into each other outside the nail salon one day and I was showing her my newly airbrushed nails (the manicurist in question did the fancy paint job for free for birthdays) at which the boy interjected "Oh, it's your birthday?" Then, very seriously "You look older!"
My friend blushed and exclaimed "Jean-Paul, what a thing to say!" I was trying very hard not to laugh in the boy's face, since I really did realize that looking older to a seven-year-old is high praise, indeed!
A couple...
One of my brothers, at about 3 or 4 years old, was playing in the garden. He picked a hot red pepper and smashed it between his fingers. My mom saw him from the kitchen window and went outside to yell at him. Brother was startled, so he shoved the pulpy mass of hot pepper down the front of his pants. He was in serious pain after a few seconds. The legend in our family is that he had blisters on his penis.
Same brother was flying to sunny Florida with my aunt for a visit. After a bump from turbulence, he looked out the window of the plane and said, "Aunt [Name], the WING FELL OFF!" Panic ensued.
Our neighbors were expecting the birth of their third grandchild (the second by their daughter). Their grandson, the older brother-to-be, was excited about becoming an older brother. He announced to us one day, "Girls don't have penises."
When I was quite young, I found a decorative box into which one of my parents had deposited some fingernail clippings. I guess Mom or Dad was too busy to throw them in the trash. At a party, I overheard one guest bemoaning his inability to stop the habit of biting his nails. I retrieved the little box, opened it up, and advised the guy that he was welcome to chew on these.
here's the story my father told every single parent he met, when he moved me into the dorm on my first day of college.
i was two. he had left his typewriter on the floor. it was the right size, the right shape. i proudly went potty all by myself!
I'm gonna have to go with "Hey, what's in the box", as the best.
If ya think about it....
We were at a memorial service for my sister-in-law, Kathy, a sad and solemn occasion.
I was holding my two year old daughter who wasn't too interested in the procedings until the organ began to play and the large crowd began to sing.
As any sweet, beautiful, intelligent two year old knows, after you sing, you clap vigorously and say "Yeah".
As I lept out of the church pew to head for the door of the church, I saw Kathy's two teenaged boys laughing for probably the first time in a week.
I sat back down.
My three year old son burst into the bathroom one day just as I got out of the shower. He looked at me and said, "Wow, you have a penis too and it's a big one."
It's only embarassing to me because I heard my wife laughing in the other room.
when i was about 7 or so i was at my grandparents' house. several aunts, uncles, my parents, siblings, etc all sitting in the room. we had the tv on and there was this new show no one had heard of, 90210. my family is quite conservative, but as i said, no one knew anything about this show so they left it on. all i remember about this episode was that a dude and a girl were in a room with a baby in a crib. he said "is that your brother?" she said "no, it's my son." cue dramatic music and close-up of faces. i knew there was something on the tv that was bad or something, and everyone was silent and kind of embarrassed that the kids had just seen that. in the few seconds of silence before the commercial break, i decided to break the tension in the room while letting everyone know that it was cool, i could handle it. so i said, "maybe she took a tampon." like it was a pill or something i guess. one of my uncles laughed really loud and my mom sent me straight to bed. later my sister came in the room and i demanded an explanation. she said "a tampon is what girls use when they have their period." i said "ohhhh." i had no idea what that meant.
Two adult stories:
(This one may only make sense if you know Unix. I'll explain a bit at the end.)
A female friend is an instructor for computer classes. While teaching a class, she is setting up the system and explaining what she's doing. It goes something like this:
"Now create a directory. Let's make it short, 'me' should work."
Then she boldly announces to the class, "Now you need to access it, so 'mount me'."
(For those that don't know Unix, disk drives need to be "mounted" before they can be used.)
Many years later, she met one of the male students. He still remembered her command. 
***
The same friend is having her house remodeled. A contractor is over and installing some lights and adding bulbs. They are chatting and then my friend realizes that some people have trouble doing two things at once. So she politely asks: "Can you talk and screw at the same time?"
Setting: A company picnic with your boss and a 1,000 of your co-workers.
My boss is using a whistle to gather everyone to make announcements. We walk towards my boss (and the whistle) to hear what's going on. The closer we get, the more my 4 year old son complains about him blowing the whistle. I explain to my son that the whistle blowing will stop shortly. My son doesn't like loud noises and continues to complain louder and louder. Once we are within earshot of my boss and everyone else, he yells at the top of his lungs: STOP BLOWING THAT FUCKING WHISTLE.
(Ok, it wasn't really me, it was a relative.)
Sitting on a quiet bus in Finland on a winter afternoon. A 6 year old asks his father:
Son: Daddy, can we go to the sauna tonight?
Dad: If we have time, we can go.
Son: Good. I want to go to the sauna.
Son: If we go, I want to play with Mommy's titties.
Dad: Shhh.
Son: I like to play with Mommy's titties.
Dad: SHHH.
Son: Daddy, why should I be quiet? We always play with Mommy's titties in the sauna.
Dad: SHHHHHH! And presses the button to get off the bus.
Son: Daddy, why are we getting off?
Dad: It's our stop.
As they are getting off the bus, "Daddy this isn't our stop."
(This story was relayed to me, I didn't witness it.)
When my oldest daughter was about three, I was pushing her through the grocery store. We stopped in one of the aisles while I picked out some cans of something. There were several other people nearby. Maddy then says, loudly -- but to her credit, as discreetly as a three-year-old can in a fake voiced whisper -- "Daddy, I think I smell a fart."
Then, booming, and pointing at another customer: "And I think it was that guy!"
A few months ago, my brother-in-law was out with his precocious two-year-old daughter, and they went to the bathroom together. After he changed her diaper, he was using the urinal when she suddenly became impatient -- so she grabbed his hand and started pulling him towards the door without saying a word. He turned in surprise... and soaked the leg of the man standing next to him. The wet stranger was as understanding as anyone can be in such a situation, but my brother-in-law was mortified.
When they got home, the girl's mother could see that her husband was in a terrible mood, so she asked what happened. Before he can respond, their daughter happily shouts out, "DADDY PEED ON A MAN!"
Hello! I found your blog thru BitchPhD. This is fun! I have loved reading all the other stories.
Here is one of my own-
Two little factual nuggets:
1) I have taught my boys the correct names for parts of the body - theirs and mine - when they have asked.
2) My mother-in-law is petite but rather well endowed
I think you can see where this is going.
My in-laws live out of town and were visiting us on the occasion of my son's third birthday. The day before, my little guy said "Mommy? What are those (pointing to my breasts)?" I replied simply "Those are mommy's breasts." Fast forward to the next day. Gramma was entertaining above little boy. He was facing her on her lap when he firmly planted a hand on each bosom and loudly announced "Gramma....you have big, BIG breasts!" Thankfully, she is a former kindergarten teacher so is quite familiar with the workings of little brains. She and everyone else got a good chuckle - I think I turned 40 shades of red!
My humiliation threshold is pretty high, but some of these would turn my face permanently red. Still haven't seen anything that beats the pocket, though.
My humble contribution:
We were at the zoo, having a rest on a bench. Some people we didn't know were sitting at the other end of the bench...
3.5 year old daughter grabs my not so slim belly with a caliper type grip and says in her most conversational tones, "So, Mommy, who's in here?"
I thought she was hilarious and did a good job of digesting the information that Mommy is just Fat. However, the sudden deafening silence from the other end of the bench and the sympathetic glances of my husband did more to get me back on the treadmill than anything else in recent memory.
Although I am not actually a parent myself, I have two stories - one from when I was a little girl, and another from when I was working as a nanny.
1) Although I remember very little of this event, my grandmother died when I was 3 years old, and my family and I flew in from Wales to attend the service in Canada. The morning of the funeral, just as everyone was clearing out of the funeral home to drive over to the church, I went missing. My parents and everyone else searched everywhere for close to an hour, and with me nowhere in sight they called the police. However, a while later, one of the funeral home attendants found me just in double-checking the room where my grandmother's coffin was.... I had climbed into the coffin with her and fallen asleep half-underneath the casket lid, barely visible. When my mother woke me up and demanded what I'd been thinking, apparently I told her that I hadn't wanted my grandmother to be lonely in the box.
2) A few years ago I was looking after a 2-year-old boy with some developmental difficulties, so that he was still in full nappies even at that age. One day we were at the park amidst a number of other mothers and their children, and I put him down on a towel to change him. While I was turned away for about two seconds to grab a fresh nappy, I heard one of the mothers grunt with laugher, followed by the little boy starting to cry. As we all looked over, I discovered that he had accidentally started to pee, and had hit himself right in the face. In a way I'm glad his parents weren't around to witness it; there is one less story for him to be potentially mortified with when he gets older.
I still think the pocket story wins, though!
There are a lot of great ones...
When my son was about 2 & getting potty trained, he remarked at a family reunion that he had a penis & mommy only had hair. Of course that probably wouldn't have been so bad, but he continued telling everyone that I probably just played with it too much & broke it off. My husband thought that was pretty funny, but I just wanted to die.
Shortly after he was completely potty trained, we went to the store & bought big boy underwear. No more Pull-ups. When we got home & he wanted to wear his new underwear. He asked what the pocket in the front, under the fly was for. Not really knowing, I made a quick comment that it was to keep spare change in. Imagine my surprise when the pre-school teacher told me that my son had got into his 'special pocket' to get milk money.
Now he's 15 and I can't wait til he graduates to tell these stories!!
A good friend of mine was driving with her two daughters and mine when the girls were about 5 years old. Somehow, the subject of embarrassing bathroom moments came up and my daughter decided to pipe up with "One time I went in the bathroom when my Daddy was getting out of the shower and his penis was looking right at me!" My friend said she was laughing so much she nearly ran off the road.
jellybeans, pockets, vulva's oh my!
I can think of a few stories,
my daughter age 4 upon meeting my husband's secretary announces: "my mommy has big boobies ya know!"
he was so mortified
my son age 3 at the time and I had just entered a stall in a public bathroom and i was using the toilet. he announces loud enough for everyone in the bathroom to hear: "Boy am I glad I have a penis. I sure am glad I can stand up to pee and don't have one of those holes you have, what are those holes called again momma? yeah I'm real glad I don't have one of those holes!"
I was mortified when I came out to wash my hands and the other women in the bathroom couldn't stop snickering
my then 4 y/o daughter upon meeting a business aquaintance of my husband (you think he would have learned) "I have a little Gina (pronounced with a long I) ya know?" " I like my gina"
my son age 5 at the time was with me when I went to my girlfriend's to drop off some sanitary products I had picked up for her on sale. there were several boxes of pantyliners and she asked me to put them on the table in her hallway. her son who was about 10 or 11 at the time goes over and picks up a box and says "what are these mom?" and without missing a beat my 5 y.o says "oh you put those in your underwear, they make you feel fresh" my friend who thinks I tell my kids too much anyway turns to me and says "what the hell have you been teaching him?" (It was hilarious.) I swear he must have learned that from a tv commercial.
I have two that always make me laugh.
When my daughter was small, her father would take a bath with her, easier with a slippery kid and good bonding time. One day they were in the bath when I heard blood curdling screams coming from the bathroom. When I arrived in the bathroom, my daughter was hysterical and her poor father was just standing there with his hands over his penis, mortified. D could not stop screaming, "There's something in Daddy's nonny!" Until that day, she thought everyone had a nonny (vagina). No more baths together after that day.
My daughter is now 5 and a half. About a month ago, I came home to discover she'd taught a new word to the babysitter. In the tub, that evening, the sitter had reminded D to wash her front and bottom, to which she was informed D no longer had a front and bottom. She now had a VUTT. The sitter asked, "What's a VUTT?" and "How do you spell that?" D was SO proud to spell it and then described it as "the space between my vagina and my butt."
In relaying that story to D's grandfather, his logical question was to ask, "So now, we've decided that girls have a VUTT, do boys have a PUTT?"
Vibrator with barbie clothes rules all! even the dreaded pocket. Because it isn't just humiliation, it is fashion, dammit!
I have any number of delightful stories, but my favorite involves a rather private humiliation. And not mine...
My 4-year-old daughter walked into my bedroom as a (former) boyfriend was changing clothes. She looked at him, turned around to leave, and said, "My daddy's is bigger."
I busted a gut, and then went directly to the phone to tell her father, my ex-husband. He appreciated the sentiment, even as he resolved to change clothes in the bathroom on her future visits.
what's terribly embarrassing about my story is that it occurred when my sister and i were teenagers. i think i was somewhere about 14-16 and she would have been 12-14.
we were in the grocery store with my mom. my sister and i have always fought like cats and dogs, but this time it was precipitated by an honest mistake on my part. i was driving the cart and not paying close attention. she was right ahead of me and i accidentally hit her heel with the cart. this wasn't an 'accidentally,' it truly was an accident.
however, having the relationship we did (do?), she went crazy. she turned around and punched me. i was pissed because i really didn't mean it. so i went for her. there was some tussling. then i swept her leg (i never was any good at punching stuff, but if i could wrestle, i had a chance.) and got her on the ground.
did i mention this was the dairy aisle? the first aisle of the grocery store? did i mention that we were in our mid teens? did i mention that my mom was totally yelling at us to get up and that when we finally did this older man came up to her and said, "oh, i had girls like that too," and it turned out he went to our church! did i also mention that my mom was the church secretary? yeah. classy.
Okay, keep in mind, I am not a drinker, once in a while I have a beer, 1, and thats it. So we are in line buying groceries for a party when my son, who was about 3, turns around and sees a six-pack of Coronas in the basket. His eyes welled up, his bottom lip started to quiver and he says, 'oh no mommy, please don't buy that, I hate it when you drink'
Everyone in hearing distance turned around and glared at me...
Or how about when he called all his friends over, put his hands on my belly and started shaking it, calling out "Look!! It jiggles!"
When I was a very young father around the time that we began potty training our first born I had a very bad urinary tract infection. I was prescribed some medicine that made my urine a bright orange. So I would attempt to teach my son how to make “bubbles” in the toilet he caught on pretty quick. This was also at a point where there was a severe drought in my area of the country so we did not always flush the toilet to save water.
Every year at labor day we go to visit my wife’s parents. In the middle of a conversation my son approached and proudly exclaimed that “My Daddy pee pee’s orange juice”. My wife and I laughed and explained that we were toilet training the young lad and about the drought and my infection and the medicine that caused the orange urine. A good laugh was had by all.
Until my son broke in with “It doesn’t taste like orange juice, it tastes yuky”.
These are really fun to read. My daughter is 4.5 and very precocious, so the last 2 years have been full of embarassing moments. I wish I were the type to write stuff down.
Anyone who doubts the authenticity of any of the 'gina and penis stories obviously has never had a three year old. lol.
I have to say that she seems to be getting less embarassing (in that way) as she gets older. Although, the other night when we went to a car dealership she insisted on wearing her hot pink shorts on her head as a jester's hat.
my mom was the worst cook in the world.
*at a Friendly's restaurant, around 1970. my brother and i have ordered grilled cheese sammies.*
waitress: (delivers sandwiches) Here you go!
me: (puzzled look. frowning between sandwich and waitress) ...
waitress: Is everything alright, sweetie?
me: They're not black.
mom: (blows out smoke and growls through locked jaw) It's okay. You can eat them if they're not black.
same mom was sort of socially conscious, sort of socially sarcastic -- and i had the only black baby doll in our uber white neighborhood.
*same Friendly's. gianormous black man walks in and sits at counter. my mother recalls being horrified as my eyes go super wide with excitement and i start digging through my bag. i come up with the black baby doll and shout AND point:
"Look Mommy! Chocolat's daddy!"
Wonderful stories! I don't have any good ones, probably because I'm Swedish. You see, we tend to walk around in the buff at home, so there really isn't much the kids don't know. And so they're rarely moved by surprise to make inappropriate comments in public.
I thought of another one, but it's not really embarrassing. When T was about four, his preschool teacher sent home a note. It seems that T had decided that if pee came out of a 'pee-nis' then poop came out of...
Yup - a 'poop-nis'.
Excellent reasoning skills that boy has.
When my son was around 2 I was pushing him in the stroller through New York's East Village. We lived in a fairly conservative section of Brooklyn where we didn't see a lot of the creative hair colors, piercings, etc. that were commonplace in the EV. As we passed a young man with very curly, tricolored hair working on his bike, I sped up because I knew my son was going to say something. He hung out of his stroller so he could keep looking at the guy after we'd passed him, screaming, "Mom! Mom, that's a man! It looks like a clown, but it's not!"
From a former roommate:
Baby sister was about 2-3 years old, in the child seat in the back of the car; Daddy was driving.
Daddy, who normally does not mince words, was shaking a fist at another driver who just cut him off, and actually holding back the cussing. "Hrmmph, Drat, Darn you!" and all that.
Baby sister: "That was a cocksucker, wasn't it, Daddy?"
(A, if you're out there, thanks for the story!)
This isn't embarassing, but I was amused:
As a second grade teacher, I often see and hear funny things. One day I was checking the kids work as they were writing. I had to hold back laughter as I came across a strange word, and had to ask the student what it was. She proudly stated that it said "describe". On her paper: dickrub
After getting my 2 and 4-year-olds squeaky clean in the tub, they went downstairs while I wiped up the water off the floor. Just finishing, they came in to present a gift from my 2-year-old in a tupperware container. I took it from the lid, and the bottom dropped to the floor splattering a lovely load of shit all over all of us. Back in the tub for the lot. To this day, when certain friends come over and need to use the bathroom, they ask me where I keep my tupperware.
Most embarrassing: I needed to run a quick errand, and asked a neighbour to watch the kids. She came over with a friend. When I got home, I found my yeast-medication applicators - used - on the kitchen counter. My kids had found them in my bedroom garbage and brought them down to show everybody!
This reminds me of a few good stories:
1) When my younger sister was about 4 we stopped for gas after church one morning. As we pulled into the gas station some man in another car cut my father off. Without thinking he called the guy a donkey dick. Fast foward to Sunday dinner later that afternoon at my very religious and rather conservative grandmother's. We're sitting down to dinner and my sister suddenly asks, "Grandma, what's a donkey dick?" I can still see the shock on my grandmother's face as she asks my sister where she heard such a word. My sister calmly replies, "From, Daddy." Needless to say my father got a scolding.
2) A friend of mine comes to work one morning telling a story of a friend of hers the night before who was bathing her 3 year old son. Towards the end of the bath, he points to his penis and asks, "Mommy is that my brain?" After she picked herself up off the floor from laughing she explained the true anatomy of the brain.
2) This one could be a winner...same friend goes to NY to visit her sister and nephews. They're sitting in a diner having lunch when they smell an "odor." Since the older nephew (3 or 4) is still being potty trained they ask if he'd soiled his underwear. He says, "No." Then they smell it again and ask again. He responds with an annoyed, "No!" The third time it occurs and they ask, he stands on his chair, pulls down his pants and spreads his cheeks for his mother to see, saying very loudly, "See, mom, it's just farts!" They had several couples stop on the way out to thank them for the best laugh in years.
Do you remember Toy Story? At the time of the first moveie, Burger King was distributing the main characters for $1.85 with a meal, but the local BK only had Buzz Lightyear. On vacation we stopped for some fast food, and my husband found some more characters for sale. As he approached the table with the tray of food, number one son (3 years old), yells, "Oh, look, Daddy, you have a Woody!"
bah dah bump!
This one is nowhere in the calibre of the ones posted, but it's the only time I've ever seen a teacher loose the plot with laughter. I've always been open with my kids and they've known about pads, tampons etc for a long time.
Anyhow, my then 6 year old daughter asked me why I used panty shields. I said to her that sometimes Moms leak a bit and it keeps us fresh etc.
Fast forward to a discussion on water and taps at school. T's teacher was talking about leaky taps and one
child asked what 'leaky' meant. The teacher put the question to the class and T's hand shot up. I was in the classroom doing parent help and in an instant I could see what was going to happen. T was one of the teacher's favourites so I knew T would probably be called upon. I gesticulated wildly at her teacher indicating NOT to ask her, but too late.
Teacher: Well, T, what does leaky mean?
T: It's what happens to Mums and why they have to wear those pad things in their pants.
The teacher had to get up and leave the room to compose herself, she was crying tears. Me, I just wanted to quietly die at that moment!
I love it!!! my hubby has to be to work at four am and I have been keepinghim up all night with my giggles and snorts!!!!(poor guy). We don't have kids yet, butwe do have plenty of neices and nephews!
my little cousinhad a mild speech impediment when she was about 6yo (11 now) She told her teacher on the first day of school that "daddy lets me play with his peeuter." appearently the teacher asked her severaltimes what she said, and after a few minutes, the teacher was getting upset. I don't know who all was called and talked to, I think the principal was involved and school security, then the teacher called my aunt and told her she needed to get to the school like yesterday. Uncle was at work. So aunt,fearing the worst, flies to the school, to find cop cars, dcfs, and national gaurd, and the mafia, (you get my drift)-parked at odd angles in the school parking lot. Aunt thinks cousins dead, freaks out, wheres my baby????? Naturally, they won't let her see cousin. Teacher comesin and tells her to sit. Your daughter said her daddy lets her play with his peter. Aunt, realizing what the problem was imediatly, sayes no. Did she say daddy lets me play with his peeuter? pronouncing it exactly like cousin did. Surprised, teacher says yeah. Aunt sayes- peeuter, com- peeuuter. speech impediment. remember? Just to besafe, a cop goes into where cousin is and askes her if there is a peeuter in this room. uh huh- rith der- and she points at the computer.
When my friend's daughter was four or so little Gigi and I were walking along at the zoo. At that time, it was the fashion to have designer eyeglass frames with the designer's logo in script right on the lens. Gigi saw one woman who was really obviously proud of her status-symbol glasses, pointed to her, and said in her loudest voice, "LOOK! THAT LADY HAS BIRD-POOP ON HER GLASSES!"
One of my father's coworkers has two little girls who are both around eighty percent deaf. They have wireless microphones that their parents wear that remote in to their hearing aids, so communication is still possible.
The youngest was in kindergarten, and it was her time to lead the school prayer over the PA system. Their mother was worried sick, as the deafness has led to some differences in pronunciation for the girls.
At the end of the schoolday she picks up the youngest, who's standing next to a smiling principal. "How'd she do? Did she do okay?" she asks, her stomach in knots.
"Oh yes," the principal says. "She asked for God to help her with her schoolwork, and help her friends with her schoolwork, and she ended it with a request for God to help you."
The mother smiles. "What?"
The principal says, "She ended with 'And Lord, please help mama stop saying "shit."'"
Sure enough, it worked.
I have 3:
1. During my older child's toddlerhood, my husband was a little averse to police cars -- I think we had suspended tags or something. When he saw one, he'd often swear outloud. We had no idea my son was taking this in until my mother was visiting and took us out for a drive. My son had some speech problems, so most of what he said was completely unintelligible. At one point, though, I guess he saw a police car, because he yelled out the *one* word that he could evidently say with complete clarity. My mother was completely aghast, but I calmly said, "He's saying *truck*. TRUCK. He saw a truck!"
2. In a similar vein, my younger child also had some speech problems as a child. Even when she was in kindergarten, she was difficult to understand, particularly in that she could not pronounce l's. Instead, she used w's. So, Wuv, etc. Awkwardly, she had decided she loved lemons, particularly the lemon slices that often came on iced tea or glasses of water at restaurants. On more than one occasion, she began loudly rhapsodizing about how much she loved "wimmmins" (lemons), loved wimmin so much, that she wanted to suck on wimmin all day, and eat nothing but wimmin, she could just suck and suck and *suck* on wimmin, etc. Drove us *nuts*.
3. The same child was accustomed to taking naps naked at home. On the first day of pre-K, when the teacher said it was naptime, daughter removed all her clothes and lay down on the mat provided. At the end of the day, when I picked her up, I was asked to please explain to her that naked napping was for home only. Even with my scolding, it evidently took a few days for her to get the idea that "nap time" did not mean "jump up, throw off all your clothes, and lie on the mat".
The only story I can think of right off is not too awkward, but my parents have remembered it well. When I was about 4yrs old I was not fond of my grandfather, as he was quiet and formal (and probably quite shy too, but I did not realise that then). My brother and I were cajoled into being polite and kissing my grandfather goodbye and shaking hands with him etc. Which we obediently and duly did. Unfortunately for my parents, they had also taught us both to always tell the truth. So once we'd kissed my grandfather etc and everyone had commented on how delightfully the two of us had behaved, I felt compelled to say the following: 'We don't really like you, Grandpa, we're only kissing you because we were told to' I could not see what all the other adults were shocked about, and being told to apologise seemed a bit much given that I had always been told to be honest... But grandpa doesn't mind, I said protestingly - and to his credit, my grandfather did not mind at all... I seem to remember he was actually laughing quite a bit. As I found out much later, he was a psychologist, and as my father put it, he'd have found the whole incident quite interesting!!!
Our great-great-grandmother died (in her 106th year) when my brother was about 3. At the time he was obsessed with 'Peter and the Wolf', so at the funeral he felt compelled to announce,
"Nanna's dead! Nanna's in the box! The HUNTSMAN shot her!!"
Never try and explain death to kids!
When he was first learning to talk, my two and a half year old would say "Ho" for "yellow" and "Cock" for "Car". We had many occasions of him loudly and with much excitement pointing out the "big ho cock" in the parking lot.
I don't have any kids yet, but I do have a few tales from here and there.
1) When I was young, my step-brother (one year younger than me) lived with my dad on Regina St. Around 4 or 5 i guess, he got into the habit of announcing to anyone who could hear: "I live on VAGINA AVENUE!" Of course, once my older step-brother and I started laughing, he wouldn't stop!
2) When I was 14, I went to visit my dad for a while. My sister (then 4) had just been to a wedding recently, and I guess my dad had explained to her that people get married when they love each other. So my sister says to me: I love you D___. and I say: I love you too. Then she says: Daddy, are we going to get married today? Dad says: No. we're not. She says: Am I going to get married to D____? I LOVE D____!!!
Needless to say, my dad was grateful that that conversation happened in the car and not somewhere more public.
3) My friend N___ relayed this story to me. Apparently, when she was young, her grandmother would take her and her older brother I__ to buy new outfits at the mall. She apparently also had them try on everything, including new underwear. So N___ (probably 3 or 4) comes out of the changeroom for grandma to see her undies, and I__ does the same. N___ looks at I__'s underwear and exclaims with some anger: HEY! His has a POCKET! I want a POCKET! and makes to put her hand in the pocket. Luckily older brother I__ wasn't having any of it and went back in his change room.
My story isn't nearly as good as others but to my mom, its still used as the ultimate tale of embarrassment.
My family was visiting Arlington National Cemetery one day, specifically JFK's tomb, which have plenty of "NO SPEAKING" "QUIET OBSERVANCE AREA" signs. We were all standing quietly observing the water memorial near his tomb when out of nowhere a security guard approaches my mother. "Ma'am!" he said VERY loudly, "Can you remove your son please!" Mom whipped around only to see in horror, my little brother, then aged about 3,laughing and swinging merrily on the chains that guard/surround JFK's brother's tomb...essentially dancing on his grave. My mom had to rush over, forcibly extract my brother off his new playground...all in front of a huge crowd of staring tourists, and very unhappy security guards.
She's never let him live it down.
I don't have kids of my own, so the best I can offer is a story my uncle told about my dad.
Now, dad was born in 1942 and the youngest child, so at the time of this story my grandmother was probably in her 50s. She was having a meeting in her home with the women's teetotaller society, and my dad, quite the precocious child, came skipping into the room full of virtuous middle-aged women and declared happily: "Mommy, mommy, now I know EXACTLY what syphilis is!"
On a related note, his older brothers had taken the habit of referring to said teetotaller society as "länkarna" (a Swedish society for drug and alcohol rehab, comparable to the AA), even to outsiders. So grandmother was probably quite used to feeling mortified by the time dad made his contribution!
This one is told in the grand tradition of parents repeating it to you, though you don't remember it. When my brother and I were younger, we would fight after getting put to bed. We had seperate rooms, so this involved throwing things across the hall at each other while trying to be as quiet as possible.
Well, one night, I was fighting with him for all of five minutes when I decided I didn't want to bother, and went to bed. About twenty minutes after that, I apparently went to find my Dad to tell him that something smelled funny.
Turns out I was right. My brother had gotten bored, and decided it was a delightful idea to actually take off his diaper and SMEAR HIMSELF WITH HIS POO. He was COVERED. There are pictures. He was maybe 3 at the time. And he thought it was the funniest thing, because our parents were mortified.
Not only that, but there were actually smears on the walls. I still remind him of it to this day.
I don't have kids myself, but I can relate something my youngest sister did to our mom.
My sister was about 3 or 4 at the time, and my mom was walking past an adult cinema with her.
Seeing the movie posters on display, my sister laughed, pointed, and shouted across the street: "Mom, mom, look, that woman has huge breasts, like you!", much to the enjoyment of the men hanging out in front of that cinema.
Story #1: When I was about 3, I wore a skirt to preschool one day. I was excited at the prospect of lifting my skirt up to pee instead of removing my pants and that hassle. So when went to the bathroom, I lifted my skirt, lowered my pantied, did my business, then realised something was wrong! My panties were on lower than my skirt! When I wore pants, my panties were always above my pants! Puzzled and upset because I could not figure out how to put them back on, I ran out of the bathroom into the general play area with my panties around my knees and my skirt hiked up.
A teacher noticed me right away and righted my cloths. XD
Story #2: My high school field was a popular area for people to use as a dog-walking path (though most picked up after their dogs), for mothers to take their kids to play, and for runners to use the track after school hours. I played on the varsity rugby team, who practiced on said after school.
This happened around Victoria Day in Canada, so the field, also popular as a base for fireworks, was littered with cardboard tubes left over from the previous night. The coach had some information to give us that day, so we were sitting on the grass, intently listening. I was in the very back row. Out of nowhere, I feel quite a hard bang on my head - my best friend was the manager of the team and liked practical jokes so I thought it was her, and whipped my head around, completely ready to make use of my most colourful vocabulary, only to see a toddler clutching one of those bardboard tubes. His mom said "sorry" before quickly dragging him away. XD
Mine doesn't top the pocket story. Shit, nothing does! But heres mine.
I'm in the emergency room with my then 2 and 3 year old sons. My 2 year old was sick with a high fever and very fussy so I brought along a toy bag that I kept for long trips to keep my 3 year old occupied while waiting. My son was sitting on the bench playing when a nice gentleman sat down next to him and told him he had some cool toys. So of course my son asked the man if he wanted to see the rest of his toys in his bag. Sure the gentleman said. My son dumped out the contents of his toy bag in between the two of them. All along I'm sitting there smiling away until my son started picking up each toy to show the gentleman. There were matchbox cars, action figures, a coloring book and crayons and a flesh colored dildo. I was mortified and speechless. The gentleman then says to my son, "Hey kido I think thats mommy's toy." I swallowed the lump in my throat and swore to god the thing wasn't mine. The gentleman just sat there grinning at me. A good friend of mine had moved in with me temporarily and hadn't put her toys away quite good enough.
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