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Don't you wish you were this eloquent on the spot? So the child would hear?
It isn't easy to confront child abusers, and they sulk and pout and point about people who get in their business, but I calmly say that their child needs somebody who is on their side. This time, it's me. I shudder to think what they do when nobody else is around.
That poor child. Dad demeans and hits the boy, and Mom tells him he's not loved? It's a shame when two total losers manage to keep their relationship together so that the poor kid gets abused by two parents instead of just one. Thank you for calling the cops.
How hard is it to have one parent stay home and put the kid to bed while the other one shops? Why lug a sleepy kid to the store?
I hope someday you'll pay for how you treat your son.
I suspect the son's children will be the ones paying - just like the son is probably paying right now for whatever Mom & Dad's parents did to them...
It's heartbreaking.
I'm really glad I read this tonight and not tomorrow morning at work.
I hate crying at work. I've been that kid and I'll be damned if I'm ever that parent. I've begged my 2.5 year old to use her words, to suck it up, to for the love all that is holy to stop the WHINING but I've never (nor would I ever) tell her that I don't love her because she's bad. I have told her that I'm to angry to think and that we need to leave but...
Damn.
oh crap, I'm crying now too. I often say something little but within earshot of the parents like "you assholes don't deserve a kid" and keep walking. Getting the cop to go check em out is a bit more effective.
dammit hormones.
What the mom should have said, if anything was "of course we love you, that's why we worry about you" or something. But no, they're assholes with no souls.
And I agree with you on the fear-spanking. It's probably the only time spanking has a reason. The kid is too young to understand the fear, and a bit of a maybe twice-in-a-lifetime-ever spank on the butt is nothing compared to a bit of funeral planning. I know I was spanked like 4 times for doing stupid shit like traffic dodging when I was a kid, and am thankful for the clue for the clueless. Probably saved my life.
Oh, that is so horribly sad. Honestly, physical abuse in some ways is not as bad as verbal/psychological abuse. You can excuse the physical more as how your parents were raised, what they think constitutes punishment, etc, but telling your kid that they're bad and nobody loves them is torture. (Not that I'm condoning physical abuse in any fashion.)
My stepmmom said this kind of thing to my stepsis repeatedly while she was growing up, and it killed me! I try to keep reminding sis that it is INEXCUSABLE to say this sort of thing to your child, ever, and that even though her mom acts like a freak, my dad and I love her like crazy no matter what.
Sheesh. Good for you for calling the cops.
Damn. Thank you for calling the cops. And just fuck them for being such assholes. I know that this isn't anywhere near as bad as this shit gets, probably even for this kid. But the sheer needlessness of saying 'I don't love you' to your child is beyond the pale.
(And beautifully written, btw.)
This is why you should shop at Wal-Mart and not Target. If you'd have been at Wal-Mart, you could have gotten a gun from sporting goods and killed both parents. Instead, your only choice is to run them over with your car in the parking lot, and there's a risk you might hit the kid, who's already been scarred enough for one lifetime.
I'm in a line of work which has and will put me in contact with abused children, not necessarily on a regular basis, but often enough. Thank you so much for saying something - for stepping up and getting the authorities involved. So many of these kids go so long without help because nobody said anything. Thank you thank you thank you for making that call.
Also, federal law states that child abuse is "Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker, which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse, or exploitation, or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm" (emphasis mine)
So, you did in fact report a case of child abuse, because I can think of few things a parent could say to a child that would be more emotionally harmful than that.
So sad.
I'm weeping. Thank you for attempting to help that child. It always amazes me that there are parents like this when there are so many who would love to be in their place but would never treat a child with such disrespect.
I think I'm going to print out copies of this email and keep them in my bag to hand to the next family I hear do anything similar to their children. We've all seen it happen. I'm proud of you for doing something about it.
perky, i had the same reaction. actually, i'm contemplating printing sara's (the government's) definition on business cards so that i can hand them out. though that might make someone start swinging at me. hm.
i no longer live someplace with mass transit, but when i did, i was frequently paralyzed by (often extremely young and unprepared) mothers slapping their outrageously young children in order to make them stop crying(!) and shut up.
Bravo
I had to tap my kid on the butt several times today when he would do the noodle-legs-collapse in the middle of the street. I felt like shit, but I didn't want him to get into a habit that could get him run over, and he's two. Nothing gets his attention sometimes.
But I told him, when he sniffled and moaned about it, how much I loved him, and why he had to move. Because that's what you fucking do, people. Because kids are not your fucking punching bags.
I'm glad you called on them. Because if it's this bad in public, what about in private?
And nothing makes me madder than tired weepy kids out too late and parents grousing at them. Kids need 12 hours of sleep! Take them the fuck home and put them to bed! Jesus.
I hate feeling angry and sad and helpless and full of pity all at the same time. I'm so glad you called the cops and I hope that kid makes it. And I hope the parents rot. Because you're right, there is no excuse.
I grew up with parents like that. My mother told me all the time that she didn't love me, that I was unwanted, that I was bad. And you know what? I walked out of their lives and haven't seen or heard from them in 27 years. You're right...that is what happens when kids feel marginalized by their parents. They move away and never look back.
That's so horrible and sad. I'm so glad you acted on your instincts to call the police and that they seemed responsive at least. God, how tempted i've been to answer "don't you love me" with "god no, not right now!!" But I've never let it leave my lips, thank heaven. I couldn't be that cruel to a stranger's child let alone my own. Thank you for sharing the story with us in your own inimitable way.
Very eloquently written. You totally rock for calling the cops. Hopefully it'll be the best thing that ever happened for that kid--and that parent. I read somewhere recently that sometimes your harshest critics are the ones who care the most. You showed how much a stranger can care about a random kid, and a random family.
Thank you for calling the police. If nothing else, it might have made the parents realize that what they were doing was not the norm.
I wish more people would speak up when they see something like this, instead of just figuring it's somebody else's problem.
Thanks for calling the cops. You did the right thing, the brave thing.
I probably wouldn't have the courage, but I like to think if i heard somebody saying that to their child, I might be able to walk up and tell the child, "well, I love you, and think that you're more special than there are words to describe."
This breaks my heart. Thank you for acting in support of this child. May he overcome his miserable upbringing.
I am so glad you were there. Because that child needed an advocate and you provided it. Thank you.
I'm with dolphin. I hope if I ever witness something like this I'll have the bravery and enough wits about me to tell the child that I love them.
I am SO GLAD you called the cops.
Thank you for calling the cops. I'm sad to think that these lousy parents are probably repeating their own parents' behavior. I used to sell children's toys and I still cringe at the mother who said in a very loving way, "You're so stupid!" to her toddler when he was playing with a toy incorrectly*. I quickly said, "Oh, no, he's not stupid. He's just exploring. That's how children learn. He's actually quite smart." She repeated her remark. I'm hopeful that maybe she thought about it later because other than that comment she seemed to be a very loving and kind mother.
*There is no "correct" way to play with a toy. Children learn from experimentation. Adults try to sort everything according to "rules" we've internalized. As parents we are tempted to say, "Do it THIS way." when the child will learn better through the experimentation.
Margalit, I'm sorry your parents were horrible. Telling a child he or she is unloved is such a violation of human rights.
I hope you don't mind but I had to link to this and post about it. I just had to tell you that you are one of my favorite authors and I really wish there were more people like you in the world. Well, there are, if the comments here are any indication. Again, thank you for standing up for this child.
That poor child. My heart just breaks for him.
Oh my god. I'm crying now.
I'm so glad you called the police. And very proud of you for having the strength to do that. I don't know if I would have.
(Too bad about the mop)
Actually, it is against the law, at least here in New York State. I've called in many a case of emotional and/or verbal abuse to the hotline.
Good for you for calling the cops. No child deserves asshole parents like that.
Jesus Christ, Flea! I see "Dear Assholes," and get all hunkered down for a mirthful head-shaking or laugh-fest, and instead, it's "Of course I don't love you. Nobody loves you. You're bad."
Can we make that a simple test for parenting skills? As in "Does the following utterance eat away at your soul?"
And mad props for alerting people who are in a position to do something about it. Maybe saying that horrible stuff isn't illegal -- but it's a pretty effin' big warning sign that other things may be going on that are.
You'd think karma would at least have awarded you a good mop, but rest assured that'll come around. Good work.
Why weren't you this child's guardian angel? How could you let a child get hit right in front of you and do nothing about it?
I left my gun in my other handbag.
Good for you for calling the police! The other day, I was in a Target bathroom and I heard a crying child enter while I was finishing up. I hoped and prayed what was about to happen wouldn't, but she started beating the hell out of her kid. I snapped--pregnancy hormones or just pent up anger, I don't know, but I told her exactly what I thought of her and she didn't even acknowledge me.
I'd like to see all of these people who are yelling at you for not confronting her go up to people for this crap. It's so easy to say woulda coulda shoulda in a comment post--it's not so easy in person. I know the shaking upset rage-depression feeling of witnessing something that's "okay" in our society and totally shouldn't be.
I loved your closer.
It's not easy to go up to someone who is already violent, wether the victim is a child or no. Because when you step in, you take a risk that you will be charged in some capacity. You take a risk that you will be hit, that you will be battered, and that nothing will change for the person you are trying to protect.
Honestly, I think flea did the absolutely right thing by calling the authorities who CAN deal with it. Until society is back to the point where we can lynch mob people, it's the right thing to do.
I've read that confronting an abuser can actually backfire, in that the kid may then face worse abuse later (since the abuser can't retaliate against an adult). So calling the authorities seems like the best move, really.
Flea, I'm so glad you stuck up for that kid. I hope yours is the call that gets help for the little one.
I tend to be a 'stick my nose in where it's NOT wanted kind of gal - so much so, that Narda has FORBIDDEN me from 'getting involved" when I'm out with Malka.
Truthfully? And sadly? We are past the age of "innocence," and you never know who's "packing."
It's important to keep yourself safe, too.
As we say in Hebrew, "Yasher Koach" (all strength to you) for calling the police. It was a smart, and loving move.
Wow Flea, thanks for making me choke up ... all your entries are amazing, but the best of you really comes out when you are taking others to task for mistreating children. It hurts to realize there are people like this in the world. I'm glad you stood up and did what you could to help.
My father was like those parents, and only once did someone call the cops on him(because he was doing his tantrum in an airport). I was so grateful to them. You rock Flea!
How awful! I feel helpless when I see things like this. Strangely enough there are more people that will ask a breastfeeding Mom to cover up than there are people willing to confront this kind of behavior. And, you know that there were many other people that heard this going on. What a shame...that poor kid. I am sorry that you had to hear and see this. I hope that you have taken away some kind of lesson from it and can use that to help others. Thank you for your post.
It's just another example of why some people are not meant to be parents.
I feel for the kid, comments from a parent stick with you for life.
Thank god for people like you who recognizes an opportunity to help this kid by calling the police. Hopefully the police can put those nasty people in place by giving them a good tongue lashing.
You did the most you could could do without further endangering the kid. Thank you, and rock on.
About the only thing I can or will defend about the parents' behavior is having the child out so late.
I too have had my young children out at 9PM. We were at a Kmart. We were traveling, though.
When Daddy doesn't get out of work until 3, home at 3:45, packs and loads the minivan putting us on the road around 4:30, fighting the rest of the traffic, stopping for supper around 6, back on the road around 7:15, finally taking a stretch-your-legs break an hour and a half later before the final hourlong strech...
But that's where my defense stops. The rest of what they did was horrible and inexcusable. They should be hit upside the head with a sock full of wood screws.
Everybody keeps their kids out past bedtime sometimes.
One difference is that most us understand that children need consistency and schedules (not to mention love and kindness), and don't expect them to be on their best behavior when in a strange situation, up past bedtime, after a missed nap, etc.
(responding to Heather, not the criminals)
Thanks, Sarahlynn.
I'm sorry, Heather, I didn't mean to come across as judging parents for keeping their kids up past bedtime - I've sure done it, and I'll do it again, too. Sometimes it just can't be helped. Sarahlynn expressed what I meant much more clearly.
Thanks also from both my sister and me to those who knew the law regarding emotional and verbal abuse. We had no idea what the law was, and my sister says she may have moved more swiftly to take action had she known verbal abuse was legally considered abuse. That may be why the police took us more seriously than we thought they would.
I came across your blog while researching feminist pornography, and this post made me cry. I instantly wrote an e-mail to my fiancee reminding her that she's good and that I love her. (That boy's not the only one, sadly.)
I understand, perhaps not fully but to a very certain degree, the angry urge to strike out against parents who mistreat their children. I appreciate that you called the police, as I would have done. But I cannot see where using those words that boy's parents spoke could be good in any context.
I hope someday soon the child is taken away and given a proper home, with proper love, and a proper education in self-esteem. I hope he doesn't grow up to learn that it's appropriate to tell anyone they're bad. To remind someone so blatantly of their shadow side in a public setting is humiliating, and no one should do it to anyone. It's that kind of behaviour that begets ... well, that kind of behaviour.
So, while I appreciate your devotion to your children and the children of the world, and I do applaud you for your kind heart and gentle spirit (so difficult to hold onto in this ugly era), I feel I must take you to task on the last sentence of your post. Is it not hypocrisy?
I'm not too concerned about using their own words against them to wrap up the post, Ivy, sorry. Since the odds of these people actually reading what I wrote are slim to none, and since I don't identify them in any way, I'm fairly sure any humiliation they suffer because of my blog is minute compared to the humiliation of having a uniformed officer confront them publicly about their parenting skills.
Further, I do see a difference between a stranger using the words of another stranger to highlight their harshness and a mother using the same words to hurt her child, but I'm not in the mood to debate it with you. If you feel it's hypocrisy, fine.
I linked to this and posted about it, too. Thank you so much for writing about it and for calling the cops on those people. If I see that happen somewhere, I hope to take a page from your book and act on it.
That makes me so angry and sad at the same time. How could anyone say that to a CHILD? I hope they rot in hell.
wow. what a whore that mom is. i can not even imagine saying such a thing to my kids even when they are being monsters. i read an article recently about how to handle situations such as this. the article cautioned against confronting the parents as they would likely become angry and take it out on the child. the writer suggested complimenting the child ex" Wow. It is late, he is being so good for this time of night. You must be really proud of him." then take your pocket book, mop, gun ect and beat that moms ass.
I cannot stop crying myself thinking of that. I am so glad that you called the cops. I so hope that this child is given to someone who WILL love him. This breaks my heart.
Sarahlynn and flea--
'Sokay. Our job as adults is to remember that our kids are having a rough time and keep our patience. We're all together on that.
WE know that, though we sometimes forget. Those are the times we beat ourselves up over because we know better.
Those criminals at Target seem to never have known it.
Well, in Illinois displays of affection are in poor taste now.
Ah the memories of Aunt Judy, yanking my cousin's pants down in front of the entire family (men, women, children) spanking her bare butt repeatedly and then shushing her as she sent her to bed for talking when she wasn't spoken to. She was 8 years old.
In her teen years I remember Judy calling her a bitch and a whore.
The things that make us better parents are sometimes what we've learned not to do from the bad ones.
By the way, it is illegal to verbally abuse a child. They'll get 'em.
Shelly
Foster/Birth/Adoptive Mom to 5 sons
Sorry to be commenting so late, when the only thing happening now is spam, but I couldn't help myself. This story - http://www.lvrj.com/news/10884961.html, judgmental "Anonymous", this is why you can't confront strangers who are obviously violent. This man did NOTHING and was killed because some mother, who probably beats the shit out of her child, made a stupid assumption and called out her thug patrol. Do you think that a man who beats his child in public and a woman who tells that child that she doesn't love him, that they'd hesitate to resort to violence against a stranger?
You definitely did the right thing - the only thing that could make that child's life better in the long run.
I just cannot believe that anyone would ever think it was okay to talk to their child like that, especially in public, because you know it's worse at home. Hell, I feel guilty when I get pissed off at my little dog for yapping and she doesn't even understand what I'm saying. I have a spy at home, my African Grey, and the worst that you'll find her repeating is, "No barking!" The best, "Night-night, I love you, see you in the morning."
Well, I'm still a kid, 12 years old. I came across this page on accident.
My father is one of those guys, he pushed my brother into a metal music stand thing... it's still twisted from where his head hit.
And my brother called his teacher, Mr. C. And Mr. C called social services.
My mom was sleeping my sister's room for at least a month. Ha.
And basically, now he tries to justify everything, and tells us how much he loves us. We're positive it's not true, he's always leaving for work. I barely ever see him, and when I do, he's yelling.
And then it's so obvious that he only likes my mother.
Ugh, I'd rather be told I'm not loved.
And it feels really nice to see these comments by parents, that some people aren't completely screwed up when it comes to parenting.
Haha thanks for restoring my faith in humanity.
=)
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