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That is a terrible story.
I don't allow my kids to use the term "wifebeater" to describe a ribbed tank top. How you can you be so cavalier about a term that means such a terrible thing?
Yeah, it is. I didn't know the woman that went to school with me, but I still feel like throwing up when I think about it.
I'm from Gary, Indiana. Most of the folks I know will never understand why I say I'm from there when I could tell them that I'm from the ritzier town of Valparaiso (my parents bought a house there over the summer between my junior and senior years of high school, and my younger sisters coerced me, with parental support, into driving them to school over there so they wouldn't have to wait until the house was completed in October to start school there, so I gave in and went there too...).
Gary is a hellhole at times. But it wasn't always, and there's more to the place, even in it's gaunt state today, then most people will ever comprehend.
One of my best friends is from Houston. Went to college away from there, even took a job for a few years in San Diego. He finally finagled a way to live back home in Houston while doing his San Diego work.
Sometimes it's like a relationship you care about deeply - the stuff that pisses you off beyond all reason and the stuff you'll defend beyond all logic sit really, really close together.
Okay, first of all, you DO write about politics--all the damned time, because you write (beautifully, I might add) about the intersection of people's lives, about the ways we try to negotiate our way in the world, and and and. Digby and amanda are wonderful, too; you all go about what you do in different ways, and there's no way to tell which voice, or which method, will help someone see something in a new light.
Second, it continues to amaze me how generous and kind people can be . . . and then not. I'm glad the couple with the barbecue and the guys with their doughnuts shared with you, just as you share with us. And thank you for doing that.
(Working link to Digby's Blog.)
A friend of mine thought she'd done a stupid thing nine years ago when she dropped the domestic abuse charges against the boyfriend she'd kicked out (when their baby was six months old). She was afraid he could wrest the baby from her, so she dropped the charges and tried to steer clear of him. Never got any child support until just a few months ago. But she and the kid were safe, so I don't think anyone can second-guess dropping the charges. Not that I'm in favor of letting people get away with terrorizing others, but geeze, mom and baby's safety are paramount, so I try not to let her beat herself up (so to speak) over it.
I don't suppose Huckabee addressed the S.C. domestic abuse law when he was there mouthing off about the confederate flag? No?
That was really well written.
I feel the same way about my hometown in Tennessee. Insanely vicious, small-minded people mixed together with the kindest people on the planet, and more cows than both of them. NYC is home now, but it will never be where I'm _from_. That sometimes makes me feel angsty and outsiderish, but I'm learning to live with that.
I never learned to like pickled pig's feet, though.
I never learned to like pickled pig's feet, though.
But what about the pink pickled eggs in the big dusty jar next to the register?
Makes me think about Thomas Wolfe's "You Can't Go Home Again", another piece of wonderful writing.
Because you know what? You can't. It's never the same home. I think once you go away, you gain a perspective that highlights all the changes in your own life and while it isn't home anymore, its memories are.
Do I make sense? Nah. But I hope you know what I mean.
Thanks, as always, for sharing your talented writing with us.
But what about the pink pickled eggs in the big dusty jar next to the register?
Actually, I can eat those. They don't gross me out so much that I can't handle them, so long as I don't think about it. I found it a fun way to weird other people out. The trick is to not chew too much, and just swallow. It is the same way I treat jello, when I have to eat it. (Suddenly, this is improbably starting to sound pornographic.)
Sorry to hear about your classmate and her sister.
Last year a co-worker of mine didn't show up to work, turned out that her ex-boyfriend(whom she had a restraining order against)had shot her and himself because she was simply wanted out of the relationship.
Sadly, no restraining order and no legislation will ever stop a bullet.
The best way to protect abused women is to educate them. Show them how and where to go when their lives are in jeopardy. Teach them to recognize that their lives are in fact in jeopardy, and help them find self worth.
I never had pickled eggs out of a jar next to the cash register, but I HAVE had them, because my mom used to make them. Mmmmm, beety goodness.
The best way to protect abused women is to put the men who abuse them in jail.
Another way to protect women is to raise boys so that they don't even think of terrorism as an option when they get upset. (I don't have kids, so of course I'm talking out of my ass. With all the violence in pop culture, I don't envy parents who have to try to show another way.)
I like your Southern stories, whether you're speaking of the good (sweet tea) or bad (this). Having been in Chicago my whole life (so far), these stories sometimes seem of another world.
I'm very sorry about these women you knew.
Awesome post today Flea! Wonderfully written. 
I think that was a wonderful summation of our society in large. Really powerfully written, enough so it made me weep. Thanks from a lurker!
This makes me want to hug my beautiful sweet little 2 year old boy, who so far has no idea that he's supposed to think of half of humanity as inferior to him. He loves dancing and laughing and his trucks and Dora, and turns into a hilarious little flirt around girls. He'll never have anything but his species in common with men like that if I have anything to do with it. And I do.
One of the local sports writers had an article out when the whole Michael Vick to do was happening. He talked about the uproar and outrage from the public because dogs were being abused. And then he talked about the silence from that same public when there were abuses of women. It's a sad commentary.
I know exactly how you feel about "home". I feel the same way about my hometown in southern WV. I don't live there anymore, and Toledo is a great city and I do like it, but it will never be where I'm from. There are so many wonderful people there, including most of my family, and it will always, always be home to me. But, there are also many racist, sexist, fuckwads and, in fact, sometimes there is a whole lot of overlap between the two categories. And when stuff like that happens, it makes me so incredibly sad, both for the victims and for my home.
(For example, that story about the family who kidnapped, repeatedly raped, and held hostage a black woman for several weeks in southern WV--that's my county and only the next town over from mine. It is completely horrifying to think that the place and people that I love so very much could also produce such ugliness.)
Oh Flea, I remember reading and hearing about this tragedy when it happened.
Hey, I'm right in Columbia, you let me know if I can do something to help you or your mama.
beautifully written. I feel so connected to the way you described your feelings on writing about politics. I often feel too attached and emotional to issues to be able to clear it out and write about it in an intelligent way. This however touched on everything in a clear and sadly understandable manner. Thank you.
Actually, Ann, I'd really like an update on the domestic violence laws in South Carolina, if you feel up to writing a guest post about it. That law was tabled in '05, and I'd love to hear if some progress was made.
(p.s. - Also, you're only 45 minutes from Aiken - I'd love to meet you for coffee/lunch/etc next time I come down.)
This post blew me away! It is, I think, the very best and most powerful kind of political writing -- it weaves together the personal and the political into a compelling story that makes a strong case for reforms.
If anyone asks me why I love women's blogs so much, I'll point them here.
This is an extraordinary piece of writing, and I am so, so sorry about your friends, and yes. This is the South I'm from.
Flea,
Having technical problems with the FLP blog that are going to eat up some time, but I'll try to get back to you on the legal situation soon.
By all means call or e-mail me next time you are in SC, I'd love to meet you!
best,
Ann
Having done almost your exact reverse cultural-commute (Chicago burbs to 2 hrs west of Aiken) I'll tell you what, selling boiled peanuts from a can should be a misdemeanor. It's like defacing George Washington Carver's grave, it's just plain gross, and it's why I never understood why You People ate "bowl'd p-nuts" to begin with. I was blown away the first time I had the real deal.
I should've placed more faith in Southerners' tastebuds...if I had a dollar for every time "oh, honey, you just haven't had the real thing" panned out for me against all expectations (see: grits, greens, nonkraft macaroni, unsweetened cornbread, biscuits, pecan pie, squash casserole...all of which I used to avoid along with boiled p-nuts), I'd be a wealthy, wealthy woman.
Quick-service and/or mass-produced southern (or worse, "southern-style") food is some of the most hideous stuff on the planet. It reminds me of that restaurant we went to with the hilarious "salad bar" at which I ill-advisedly ordered "eggs benedict" with that sea of fluorescent "hollandaise sauce" that stretched from edge to edge of my plate. NOTHING worse than imitation southern. NOTHING. The shit takes time and care. In which case it is awesome.
(In a separate post bc I don't have your power of transition)
I'm so sorry about those girls you went to school with, their mom, and your teacher. How awful.
And the legislature...!!! I never realized how little *gov't* (as opposed to women's shelters shouldering the entire burden) DV info from the gov't one gets in GA until I went to a public library in NC and saw information from the state and county everywhere. True, the displays were part of some specific awareness month, but if we even had that month declared in GA, I can tell you with certainty our library didn't mention it.
I was actually shocked by how "progressive" NC was, putting the info right there on public property for anyone walking in to see (as opposed to pamphelets in the women's restroom).
Okay:
http://feministlawprofs.law.sc.e....sc.edu/?
p=2933
Not good news.
Ironically, all I can think to say is
"AAAAUUUUGH!"
"eggs benedict" with that sea of fluorescent "hollandaise sauce" that stretched from edge to edge of my plate
That was indeed a grievous error. From what I remember, though, our food was the best of a bad bunch. We're lucky we didn't die.
die, feh. I traded abs of steel for guts of steel a long long time ago. :p
You're right, though. The rest was even more horrifying. And the bathroom wasn't even cute!
Wasn't this the place where just as I approached the salad bar and reached for the tongs, a waitress walked up and took the lettuce away?
hmmm....taking the big bowl of lettuce out from under your hand without a word, leaving you to stand there wondering whether to awkwardly hover with the tongs, ready to pounce in the event the iceberg reappeared, or if you should meekly walk back to your table, empty plate in hand, and if so, what would you eat...?
yes, I believe it was.
Reading Ann's post over at FLP, I wish that reporter had had the presence of mind to come back at the super-rude legislator with, "so you're actually *unable* to explain the difference, then?" or "are you claiming that domestic violence is not savage?" or perhaps the old classic, "Rep. Altman, have you stopped beating your wife?"
Argh.
Just read the post you linked to.
That exchange between the reporter and the legislator was, um, shall we say, enlightening?
I'm a FL native who has been living in Columbia SC for ... let's see... 14 years now. (Crap... I think I'm old.)
I was one of those "stupid" women protesting at the state house. I was proud to be among them.
Thank you for this reflection on why living in SC is so wonderful and yet so frustrating. Well done!
When I hear stories like that, I am amazed that men can laugh about it, when they should be thanking their lucky stars women aren't so scared of them that we refuse to be in their company as a preventative measure.
Hello from Aiken!
Flea - thank you for writing this post. Ann, thank you for posting the latest on the CDV law in SC. I had no idea, but will be more aware now.
Flea - I ran across your blog accidentally a while back after Googling something about Aiken. Being a native Aikenite, I enjoy when you write something about this area - especially the sweet part of this story about the couple at the country store. But I enjoy ALL your writing, and always look forward to the next post.
Sue!!!
Hi! I love meeting people from Aiken!
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