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At my last job I had a coworker who described an African American man's teeth as "watermelon mashers."
Like you, all I did was sort of look blankly at her and then utter, "um, talk to you later." And then I ran back to my office and tried to figure out if she was racist or just so damn dumb she didn't understand what she was saying. I wound up at "racist AND dumb."
I couldn't even manage "talk to you later!" I just blurted out "BYE" and ran like the wind.
I suspect it is so shocking for most of us to hear anything so blatant that we are completely at a loss for what to do, so we end up doing nothing and then rehashing it in our minds for days, weeks, months or years. "I shoulda said..."
On one occasion, I was in the office with a coworker who told me he and his wife were big on collecting antiques and they had been to a shop in Michigan where they had bought something and had "Jewed down" the proprietor. I'm Jewish, but it didn't occur to me at the time to mention that to the guy (who was pretty much a jackass anyway).
Another time, I was standing on a sidewalk outside a nice Chicago restaurant and a bunch of yuppie types came by, boys and girls. One boy and girl were holding hands as they approached me and instead of going around or separating to go on either side of me, the young man lifted their hands over me as they passed, saying, "Over the Jew's head..." and off they went.
Again, shock and amazement. By the time it registered -- yeah, that's really what he said! -- the group was down the street. And what are you going to say to that anyway? (Though one friend I was with was ready to throw down with the idiot.)
Both of these incidents happened almost a decade ago, but they still stand out. And I still don't know how I would have responded if I'd had my wits about me.
Later on I learned that she told another coworker not to swim in the Skokie public pool because "they let black people swim there."
Then I wound up at "DEFINITELY racist and dumb."
And HORRIFYING!
My standby, honed from years of stupid comments regarding my multi-racial family (oldest is biracial, younger ones are whiter than the Osmonds), is to cock my head about 15 degrees, look them in the eye, and say, "Hmmm, why do you say that?"
Also works on deluded college Libertarians just before you shower them in evidence that proves them wrong.
The "asian race"? Wow. At least she's non-discriminately descriminatory. Or something.
i'm a total laugher, too. scary, nervous, weirded out, freaked. laughing. went through bad turbulence on a plane once and was laughing my ass off (i was at the back of the plane) and getting TOTALLY evil looks from the rest of the passengers. i was nervous, too, but i figured if i was going to die, i was going to go down laughing. that, and i couldn't help myself.
holy mother fucker. saturday is my four year blogerversary, and you are the inspiration for my starting a blog. and i remember so vividly why. dear lord in heaven. i was on the edge of my seat through that whole dead body story. for fuck's sake!
you're a hell of a story teller, flea.
Am I being nitpicky when I say Cartman isn't imitating Al Jolson, but is chanelling a cartoon Owl from a 1930's WB cartoon who wants to be Al Jolson?
Yeah, definitely nitpicky, but I always liked that cartoon as a kid
And as usual, great blog
I once was out for drinks in college--with 3 close white male friends of mine--when the conversation turned to the African-American studies department's course offerings, which that semester included a course titled "Ebonics." This prompted them all to begin talking in a kind of terrible pseudo-ebonics. It was the verbal equivalent of blackface. I fought with them about it for the rest of the evening, and then for days later over email. That said, they were (embarrassingly) my friends. If they were strangers, I think I might just have been shocked and let it go, but the fact that they were my friends and somehow assumed it was okay to do that--and felt comfortable to do it with me there--was just too much.
Hand to God, my mother in law recently announced over dinner--apropos of nothing--"I have a new group that I dislike: Filipinos." I nearly fell out of my chair. My husband (who is only slightly more used to these types of remarks from his mother) tried to pry some reasoning out of her--had she had a recent bad experience? Did someone of that nationality insult her? (not that it would be an excuse but at least it would help explain). Nope. Just decided. She is an insane and hateful woman. Nice that she's my son's favorite Grandma.
It absolutely amazes me that we have so many ignorant people who will say the stupidest things and then look all innocent when you try to call them out. Baah!
Anyway, that post about Larry and the db was totally cool. You are awesome!
It is 2008. Blackface is no longer 'in'.
Liz's mother-in-law wins! My in-laws aren't racist, fortunately, but several of my blood relations are.
I have been avoiding conversation the mother of one of Ben's schoolmates for about a year. She likes to talk about "the blacks." Mind you, her husband is a brown-skinned Mexican and she says she's part Mexican herself. I want to remember Catherine's "Why do you say that?" line the next time I hear about the dreaded "blacks."
Maybe 10 years ago, someone told me that he was too much of a Jew to buy something-or-other. It was a work-related phone call, but we weren't coworkers - he was a real estate appraiser and he needed information from me about some houses. Anyway, he wasn't Jewish, he was just using that expression (which I'd never heard before). It startled me so much I said, "You're WHAT?" in a rather abrupt tone. He realized immediately that he'd messed up. "Uh oh, are you Jewish?" Well, yeah. I'm not sure if he really understood WHY I was offended, but I hope he at least stopped using that expression. He sent me flowers to apologize, which amused me. Did he really think flowers were going to make it all better? (Well, yeah, he probably did.)
Oh...my. Not exactly the same ballpark, but one of the people that worked for me for quite a few years popped out with 3 gems that literally made me walk back to my desk, and pound my forehead on it for a few moments to clear the buzzing noise she'd created.
1) When she was complaining loudly about not getting Good Friday off as a company holiday, I reminded her that not everyone (including me - resident agnostic/pagan/UU) was not a Christian. Her (loud) response - "But this is a Christian country!" I saw my Jewish co-worker at the cubicle outside our office wince, and had to close the door and educate her against her will about the separation of church and state here in the U.S. - which she really could not seem to comprehend at all.
2) In some conversation where I mentioned that I'd been out with some friends dancing in Boys Town the night before, she said, regarding my gay friends "I just don't agree with that." I said, dimly, "What, being gay?" And she just kept repeating the phrase over and over again, like some weird mantra until I walked away.
3) Then there was the day when she looked me in the eye and told me that she didn't believe in evolution. Then my other staff person capped it with "I didn't evolve from no monkey" - never knowing she had placed herself just a little closer to that long ago ancestor.
Again, not in the same league but you just have to wonder - why do they feel the need to share these gems?
And as far as inappropriate laughter? I had to stuff my fist in my mouth during the end of the movie "Carrie" when Sissy began pinning Piper Laurie to the door frame with all the do-dads from the kitchen drawer, including a potato peeler, which just put me over the edge.
Even though I was raised in a family that sometimes said racist things I thought I had sorted through all of them so that I could keep the stereotypes out of my language. Just a few years ago myself, a friend, and my husband were in my new used car. I was telling her how the owner asked eight thousand but I Jewed him down to seven thousand. The air was dead after I said that. I wasn't sure what all the open mouths were about. My friend said, " I. cannot. believe. you. just. said. THAT!" Stopping between each word for emphasis. I was dumbfounded. "Just said what?" I was then schooled on where "Jewed" someone came from. I also found out that night where "Gyped" came from. I never knew either were racial slurs. I cringe to think back to all the times I've used those words without knowing their meanings.
A friend of mine says "it's amazing what white people will say to each other when they think no one else is listening." Which is kind of what I always think of when I hear stories like this (or when people say horrific things to me).
Of course, I have no idea if Flea's co-worker is actually white.
Which reminds me of the time the (black) homeless man I would regularly chat with outside the university bookstore made some pissed-off comment about someone who'd been rude to him, "the dyke bitch." I also totally did the "uh, bye" thing and then ignored him after that. He once even asked if I was mad at him and if he'd done something, and I was too embarrassed about the entire thing to say "actually, yeah, I took offense at your dyke bitch comment a while back."
In short, I suck.
Oh my God, I totally laugh and smile when I'm very uncomfortable! I used to get into bigger trouble from my dad for smiling while being reprimanded. My oldest does the same thing & it's amazing just how infuriating that is! Anyway, at least I don't punish him for his bad genes. 
I've also witnessed some insanely crazy comments. I used to deliver pizzas and some of my co-workers were discussing that they didn't like to deliver to a certain neighborhood. We didn't have a very good delivery area, but the discussed neighborhood was actually pretty nice. I mentioned that I felt really safe in that area and didn't mind going there at all. Someone else commented that "all those Jews are too stingy to tip well." I was understandably put off by that comment and said that he could think whatever he liked, but I didn't want to hear any more of those kinds of comments. The response was so typical of Pittsburgh, "Why? Are you Jewish?". He was somewhat baffled when I said that one doesn't have to be Jewish to recognize ignorance. Some people!!
Also, I'm from the Dallas area and their are tons of Asian people here (in addition to lots of other ethnic groups). When I moved to Pittsburgh everyone made me take orders from Asian people because they couldn't hear the english well through the accent. The first time a native Pittsburger (not my term) called I had to get someone else to take the call b/c I couldn't even vaguely begin to understand what they were saying.
I can't decide if I like or hate the stuff white people like blog. Somehow I feel like laughing and under attack at the same time.
Finally, I really enjoyed your dead body story. I was on the edge of my seat!
You, I read that damn refrigerator story the first time and totally freaked out. Then I completely forgot about it. Completely. So, I read it again. And totally freaked out. Again. Thanks. So much. :b
My late father's girlfriend was a woman of very narrow views, let us say. She said something I shall not repeat about their non-Caucasian neighbors during a party at their house and I was like a recently landed fish - gasping, unable to believe I had heard someone in the late 20th century say what I thought I had heard, and a mouth rabidly filling with the 1 million objections I had. One of my dad's friends put his hand on my shoulder, looked at her and said, "I think what she is trying to say is that she doesn't share your opinion". Which delayed slightly the final arrangement where my dad met me for dinner elsewhere and I only came to the house for large social events.
Its shocking, terribly shocking, to hear these words, these terrible ideas, said in such a matter of fact way.
If only your company would sponsor a mandatoryish run/walk for a cause!
"Well, the thing about 5Ks is, I just don't care for them as a race!"
This way, you could get away with saying it to everyone at work every single day. It might cause internal bleeding from trying not to laugh, though.
PS - actually, blackface is very "in" this year, for whatever stupid fuck reason. Robert Downey Jr, Tracey Ullman, _________(things come in threes, just waiting)...what's UP with that. are we post-racial now?
My response might have been, "Too bad there's so many more of them than you, then", or something similar.
I grew up around very racist language/comments but somehow it didn't sink in on me to the point that when I hear a lot of those phrases, I have no idea what the person is talking about. I understood that "Jewed down" was not an acceptable phrase but I had no idea what it actually meant or why it was any easier to use than the word bargaining.
We did a production of Steel Magnolias in high school and there was a line about a dago pie. Our teacher asked if any of us knew what a "dago" was. We started guessing ingredients (meat, fruit, a type of cheese). She started laughing and said she was refreshed that a group of twenty students (of various races) had no idea what that word meant.
I had honestly never heard overt, bald-faced racism until this year, when I moved to rural Maryland. So far, from my landlords (who gave us a break on the rent because they were so relieved that we weren't "those kind of people", hinting at Latin American immigrants), and my students (black people should just go back to Africa if they don't like it here; they're lucky "we" brought them here as slaves because otherwise they would live in famine and war in Africa, so they should stop complaining), and other adults. With other adults I get along with, I've said with disbelief "well, that's a pretty shitty thing to say". With students I've walked through a more elaborate thing. But goddamn. I do also sometimes walk away (eg with the landlords) after a quick change of subject. Ugh.
I, too, know someone who grew up in a small, rural town in a very white state (hint: lots of cheese) who didn't know that an assortment of expressions were problematic--his family used them, he didn't know what they meant, etc. He has since learned, and "learning" (or "ability/willingness to learn" seems to be the key). OTOH, my mother has recently taken to being ticked off by immigrant hispanics, especially, she says, the "ones who don't speak English." This despite the fact that one of her grandmothers--whom I am old enough to remember, mind you--was (a) an immigrant who (b) didn't speak much English. I have pointed it out to my mother--who, after all, forbade us all from using racist words/expressions and taught us why/how they were bad, and this was back in the early 1960s--but she can't see it. It's baffling (and annoying).
Ha! look what I just found. they even say "post-racial."
"Blackface, once made taboo, has returned"
http://www.latimes.com/
entertain...0,7535677.story
?!!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@@@@!!
Two good ones.
I went back down south for the holidays this year, and one night I was hanging out with one of my brothers and heard him casually fling out the N word, totally without irony. I proceeded to do the right thing and school him about how we DO NOT just throw that word around, and as a 19 year old he really needs to figure that out. He then informed me that he knows this Haitian guy who said it was OK. I still worry about that kid, even though I've never met him. And I almost slapped my little brother, by the way.
Another good one -- I once dated someone whose mother was perturbed at my tendency to sometimes run 5 or 10 minutes late for casual gatherings. She referred to it as "CP Time". As in, yes "colored people's time". Of course, I'm white. But it still really bothered me. It's the 21st century - who SAYS that???? Unfortunately I heard about it secondhand, so I didn't get to air any righteous indignation.
One of my least favorite colleagues was already one of my least favorites when he started making "black" jokes, relying heavily on horrifying slurs. I'm waiting to grow a pair so I can tell him I find his jokes sickening.
The hard part of calling the guy out is that most of my colleagues and I make horrible jokes all the time, so where do you draw the line? Two or three of us are just a sexual harrassment lawsuit waiting to happen (but we're all in on it -- we don't joke bawdily to others). And my staff pointed out to me last year that they are all Asian. Seriously. At one point, I had six or seven staff members, and each one was at least half Korean, Chinese and/or Filipino. I also had two guys who were Hispanic -- one was half Puerto Rican and half Chinese, and the other half Mexican, half Cuban. The staff always joked about being a very unbalanced mini-UN, and my remaining staff members (we were forced to downsize) constantly make "Asian" jokes.
So the conundrum becomes: do we *all* have to curtail behavior that could be seen as offensive by a non-participant, even if we're not making those remarks publicly? It's kind of how my family and I may make silly Jewish jokes to each other, but find it icky when we hear the Costco guy say he "Jewed them down" at the car lot.
I would be offended by Kim's blackfaced Purim revelers, but I wouldn't have had the cojones to tell them to their painted faces. Good for her.
Yeah, I don't really care for dead bodies, as a race.
Also, my friend and I laughed hysterically at Tom Cruise's War of the Worlds. When people died. The theater as a whole disliked us.
A few years ago, my husband and I moved into our first house. During one of my first interactions with a neighbor, she said, "I'm just glad you guys are white. I told the builder all I asked was that I didn't want any black people moving in next door." And I had no idea what to say. I wanted to be able to morph into a black woman then and there and make her deal with it over the coming years, but alas, I lack that ability.
The horrible irony is that I met the builder and his wife at the closing, and she is a BEAUTIFUL black woman, smart and funny and cool, and my neighbor 1) was not forced to confront her false perception of black people by meeting this woman and 2) the builder had to hear someone say that. I kind of struggled with what I should have said, too. I think it was "huh." and some quiet shock. I like the, "Hmm, why do you say that?" response and I think I'll try that next time.
I was talking to a coworker/friend (a woman of Italian ancestry and some other ancestry, from Brooklyn) in the office about Mel Gibson's father.
Me: ...And he thinks Jews and Freemasons are conspiring to control the world.
She: ...I believe that.
Me: ...Ooookaaaay. *turns around to resume work*
Holy crap. I cannot stop giggling.
I'd have been all "Aw. Thanks for sharing, Hitler." In my mind. Because at the time I think I would have just been dumb-struck.
PS. Why am I just now coming across you? You're fabulous.
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