I see nobody's commented yet, and I hope this isn't because I've made everyone uncomfortable with my confessions of deviancy.
It's quite normal, of course.
My other guilty pleasure is the bacon sandwich, but I keep that private too - I just sit on my bacon sandwich until it goes numb, then it feels like I'm eating someone elses'.
Perfectly appropriate.
I've something much funnier if you want.
As a voyeur, I sit on the sandwich and my own tongue until both are completely numb before eating the sandwich over a mirror. It's like watching someone else eat someone else's bacon sandwich. What's a 'the divan'?
It's what Plastic Bertrand was king of.
Go on Justin, do tell, do tell.
Oh, I'm sure Mrs. Rodent would quite welcome it.
I fucking hate Friends. Last Of The Summer Wine's more my sort of fare - I watched an episode last week where Compo had this amazing double-anal scene. Mind-blowing, really.
Go on then Justin, we're all gnashing our teeth in expectation - just be sure to warn us if it's too dodgy to watch at work.
I saw that episode Larry, it made My Family look like Mork And Mindy.
My best friend's mother used to type up Roy Clarke's Last of the Summer Wine scripts. Whatever she was paid, it wasn't enough.
OK.
I remembered this the other night.
This is an actual news story, from the Oxford Mail, 11 November 1992. It is all the more amusing for the apparent fact that the paper didn't realise how screamingly funny it is.
Police in hunt for phantom bell joker
by Ian Townsend
A PHANTOM prowler is recording villagers' doorbells and playing the sounds back through letterboxes in the dead of night.
Police said the bizarre night stalker used to plague the people of Chinnor, near Thame, by ringing their doorbells at night.
They became so fed up they resorted to switching their doorbells off in the evenings.
Now the miscreant tapes the bells and plays them back.
Chinnor parish councillors have held talks with the police in a bid to beat the problem.
Chairman of the parish council Derek Nixey, said: "Elderly people and those living alone are getting very upset. We need to catch him and sort out the problem."
A massive police operation has been mounted to track the offender.
Officers have spent hours on stake-outs in shubbery and in flats in the hope of snaring him.
Insp Mike Clanfield of Thame police said the oddball also made recordings of barking dogs and played them outside doors and windows.
He told a parish council meeting: "What he's doing may be harmless now but we don't want it to get worse, and it's very worrying for the victims".
Oh, that is fucking brilliant!
Officers have spent hours on stake-outs in shubbery
That's the point where I usually start crying with laughter.
I'd love to see the look on P.C. Knacker's face when they tell him he's going to be hiding behind a hedge all night.
Update!!
It's just occurred to me that P.C. Knacker could save himself a lot of hassle by just sitting on the doorbell until it goes numb, then when the miscreant attempts to wake the residents, it'll feel like he's ringing somebody else's doorbell, and he won't be able to satisfy his sick urges.
And then he'll stop.
This could probably be adapted for use in all kinds of crime-fighting scenarios.
You sick people have completely ruined the innocent enjoyment I used to take in my collection of Basil Brush videos.
Imagine my horror when I reached for my copy of 'Cum Sluts Vol 13', only to see.............Well, it wasn't Terry and fucking June..........
I demand answers as well as equal and opposite reactions.....
I never did like that show. Too cerebral and now that I understand the deviant sexual overtones, I am heading straight off to confession.
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