I accidentally posted my comment for this article down at the bottom of the page. Sorry! I just wanted to say that I think it's a great post -- extremely well written and insightful. Thanks so much for such a great article. 
I just want to thank you for speaking out. I got triggered last night, and am dealing (again) with my set of issues, and it's rough.
So, knowing that there's another side, even if it is further on down... it helps.
Very important piece of writing on a subject that isn't really talked about in our society, or is glossed over completely. As much as it can be painful to hear the statistics and figure out the numbers we must.
Thank you for writing this.
Hi Heather, Glad to hear Jane may do a shoot with you. I can't wait to see some of the pictures because she has been through so much in the last few years. It will be interesting to see if the look in her eyes has changed. How her insides look on the outside. I sense I may see more serenity than ever. Might I suggest a Victorian theme? If you get a chance and feel it is appropriate, please tell her I still think of her when I come to read you. And to both of you, Thank you again for putting your stuff out there: You helped me make it through some rough times a while back.
Bountiful Harvest,
Maria
Much of the same things you said about the cuddly victimhood of rape survivors can be said about how some "feminists" treat sex works. There are voluminous texts out there that are anti-porn/sex work, with the "save my ass" caveat from authors that they support sex workers, since sex workers are oppressed, helpless, feeble victims. But, if one of these authors/activists ever gets confronted with the views of an actual sex worker who defends her work and enjoys her job, she's blown off as some sort of a traitor to women and far more contemptible than men who defend sex work. Everyone *loves* a teary-eyed woman who regrets doing porn or felt degraded as a stripper. No one likes a woman who owns her sexuality and is unapologetic about being a sex worker, a woman dares to be angry at "feminists" who treat us as less than human by stuffing us into virgin/whore boxes and telling us what we should and shouldn't do with our bodies.
I hear that, Furry -- somewhat: over the years, I've noticed there are less texts out there with that approach than I'd have thought a decade ago, and that more times than not, what's in those texts is a lot more complex than that -- and I've been on the receiving end of that plenty of times in my life, too.
But since *I* am not any such person/feminist, nor do I dole out that kind of treatment, this isn't a post about feminism, and right here, I'm talking about men and rape, rather than women, feminism and sex workers, can we stick to this? I feel pretty uncomfortable with a topic swerve like that here, especially since a big part of this entry is about all the things people seem to feel the need to do to avoid talking about THIS issue.
I also really feel like -- again, having experienced both these things -- that they're REALLY not comparable, especially if you/one does NOT feel/have not been victimized by sex work.
Thanks, btw, everyone else. Kara: big hugs.
And Tammy, I do have to get to Portland soon for some business. So, if you want to do some portrait work like youm mentioned a few comments back, I'd love to. Let's get in touch.
Thank you.
I'm not sure if you wanted a male response here but your journal entry started with "Dear Men".
Can you cite any documentation that men see their raped sisters, mothers, spouses or friends as "daughters"? I had a spouse who was raped and I cannot recollect seeing her as a daughter. However, as we have seen in Scarleteen, some women are paralyzed into inactivity by the trauma of rape. Is it any fault that a man takes charge of making any arrangements such as immediate medical care? Is that the action of a parent or the action of one assisting someone who cannot take action? Is rendering first aid to a stranger who is the victim of sudden trauma, such as an auto accident, the work of a parent?
Is it wrong that people who practice altruism get a psychological boost from this? I received official thanks from Her Majesty for my volunteer work with the Red Cross during the SARS outbreak in Toronto. I treasure that letter. Should I have ignored it? If people did not get some personal satisfaction, even if it be internal, not external, would any altruistic work be done? "Thank you" is a truly neglected form of compensation.
Bob, per patriarchal behaviour that I was discussing (in the literal and personal application, rather than the institution of, though, chicken, egg, blah blah), it was a personal observation of mine, as I made clear. I don't feel like I should have to have stats to document personal observations I'm stating to be such, especially when I think it's pretty obvious given our cultural constructs that men often view women -- even grown women -- more as daughters than as sisters. I mean, it's like, "See: world culture, history of."
(And I was not talking about men making medical arrangements or rendering first aid to someone in a car wreck. I'm talking about men dealing with rape survivors, and generally well after the fact.)
I'm also not saying no one should feel good about helping someone in need. Rather, that if the motivation to help is primarily or solely TO feel good about ONESELF, one should have some awareness of this, and step away from the rape survivior when that's the case.
Or most victims of trauma: hell, looking at issues of this as they came to play with Katrina is a really good object lesson.
You've got all those folks clearly so focused on what they need to do to feel heroic, that rather than listening to what was asked for and just sending funds: they want to go down there and use resources (extra food, extra places to sleep, etc.) no one has, because it's more important to them they can say they were actually there, or they need to work something of their own out, whatever, than helping in the most helpful way possible per what those in need are making clear they need most. You've got the residents of those areas saying "PLEASE DON'T COME HERE, it's hurting, not helping: it is most helpful to just send that money you would spend on travel" and "altruists" a'plenty completely ignoring that plea for their own selfish reasons.
Bob, I think that one way in which you see this whole paternalistic thing coming out is in the way that the media often discredits rape victims/survivors by printing reports from people who say that they weren't "acting like they'd been raped" because they didn't immediately, and maybe never, broke down into a mass of hysterics. Basically because the behaviour of these survivors did indicate that they still had some sense of agency, which would require that they would recieve needed help as human beings, who don't need to be guided through everything as though they are a baby.
It's clear that our society, in general, things that anything more than utter helplessness on the part of a survivor is somehow unacceptable, and somehow discredits the huge amounts of pain that survivors to have to process. It's like a survivor only has the right to help if she is willing to accept help if her behaviour indicates complete and utter helplessness, thus putting the helper in a position of parental (paternal) authority.
This is the only broadly accepted model for people, particuarly men, to approach survivors, and Heather's post is about how we need to change that.
I have to say, to an extent, I live for people (like you) to analyse stuff like this for me.
I have never been raped. But I have been well aware of rape in general, and of the specifics of my mothers very violent rape since before I even understood sex.
I have triggers, I feel scared and angry and sometimes hysterical from what to other people as nothing.
I feel shakey and teary and sick to my stomach and indescribably angry even thinking about rape as a general term... I cannot help it, I go into my own head and feel like screaming uncontrollably.
I cannot watch even "mild" sexually abusive, or sexually weighted interactions with an excessive power gradient on television or in movies.
I cannot begin to explain my feelings to my partner and I feel like I have to apologise over and over again for being unhappy and like it's something I have to "fix"... That I'm broken.
He is a wonderful person but he can't face negativity and it really helps to read stuff saying that it's OK to feel hurt and scared.
Thank you
I keep coming back and reading your eloquent words, and I just keep thinking - it makes me unbearably sad that this need even be said. But since it did, thank you for saying it so passionately and well.
Dana,
I feel oddly cold reading your words, "He's a wonderful person but he just can't face negativity." Not to say he doesn't have some good qualities, but when your partner cannot deal with you being unhappy to the point that you apologize for your feelings, sweety, that's just scary. Might I suggest that you ask yourself if he is overly controlling? Is he self centered most of the time or frequently not there for you when you need him? Also, if you are traumatized, please find someone to help you to heal. These things rarely go completely away, but you can find some coping methods and some acceptance for who you are no matter what. Kepp on keeping on girl.
Maria
(And on that note, Dana...
...since the Scarlet Letters forums have been vacant as heck for an age, I'd be happy to go set up a protected area for some online support chat if you -- or anyone else -- want/need it. Just let me know.)
Excellent article; Fair.
I have grown up isolated from most of my generation, because my parents decided to homeschool all of their children from birth. Not to mention living out in the country without neighbors for a few miles around.
This, of course, drasticly altered my perception and understanding of the world, compared to other men my age.
I find myself constantly disassembling everything people do to understand just WHY they destroy themselves, and others around them with such abandon.
You are right; it is the damned culture, and it is the men in it. They do not practice self control, because they do not care about the consequences of their actions. Even if they did truly understand what they were doing, they would not care.
An action in the past, no matter how small it is, causes untold changes in the now. The attitudes, the ideas, the concepts which one grows up in.
Years of pain, confusion, and loss destroy a person, and someone new emerges.
Who you were is forever lost.
Rapists get off easy these days, as do most criminals. Something I cannot understand, because after having almost DESTROYED someone's future life , you would think that a harsh punishment would be in order.
Personally, I prefer the deterent of the death penalty we have here in Texas; I believe it should be applied to rapists.
If you cannot control yourself enough to keep from violating someone else's body, much less a child's, you have no right to life.
You give that right away in the very act.
Now I have to remember what I was originally looking for on google, ha.
"True beauty is found in innocence; but not in that thing which the world shuts away in a tower; that ideal is an impossibility that cannnot exist, can never exist in a place where humanity is, or has been."
"Beauty is in the truth that is without shame; the whole, and not the mere sum. For even a child first born into this world, loses its innocence of discomfort, loss, and pain. It is forcfully shoved out of ignorance, into a life that was shaped by the whims of the world before it was a mere egg."
Thanks, Maria; Heather.
To elaborate on William (my partner): he wants to be supportive but he has no coping mechanisms with something so extreme. He had a very "normal" upbringing and feels really powerless when I end up crying hysterically.
He actually is almost pathologically bad at communicating... He told me about one time where he was literally rocking back and forth (during an argument with his ex) WANTING to talk and explain how he felt and he couldn't.
It is the most frustrating thing in the world.
He cannot express negative emotions - if he's angry he will hide it, if he's sad he will be miserable for days on end.
If I am sad or angry I get very expressive (lol), but can get over it in an hour if I have someone to talk to.
He's not controlling over me, but over himself, and this effects me. But we muddle along and I hope we will stay together indefinitely because we do make one another happy.
As for the suggestion of a "chat" on Scarlteen: exactly how would that work? I could email you if that's easier? Or vice versa
Thanks
I've tried to explain parts of this to men in the past, with little or no success. I appreciate the time and effort (and hurt) it took you to put this out there, to find the words, to attempt to explain. Bravo, lady.
(Btw, I know this has been up here a while now. I do have a lighter entry ready to go, but in light of what's happened in Colorado and Lancaster County -- and in the latter case, it's doubly painful because I spent the first six years of my life there -- I want to leave this one at the top a little while longer.
For hopefully obvious reasons.)
I don't know how relevant this really is but I have, at the very least, an observation. I work in a traditional porn store. Most of my co-workers are female, as am I. This is not intentional on management's part but due to the fact that most males don't stay very long. They usually leave the first time they have another man hit on them. My female employees just brush it off when it happens, but not the guys. It is something that almost never happens to them in the outside world, as opposed to most women who have it happen on a daily or weekly basis. These men have never experienced that level of sexual vulnerability before in their lives. When it does happen they don't know how to cope. I don't know if it speaks to the topic but maybe this sheds some light on why it is so hard to discuss.
Amen. Very well written. I am showing this to my wife because you have expressed my situation (I am a male childhood sexual assault survivor) far more clearly than I ever could.
One point I should mention is that as a male rape survivor and a father, I have massive paranoia about my male friends. I simply can't tell whether they might possibly be rapists, and because of that, my friendships with other men tend to be superficial. I simply can't bring myself to trust them. It's tearing me up inside, but I can't see any way out of it.
Thanks again for writing this.
S
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