I understand your thoughts on bdsm, and believed the same, for a while.
When I first got into S/M, I too saw and was taught that it was "power over". A few years later I had a couple very wise teachers. They showed me that it was a power exchange…as is all of life, when engaging with other people. Whether I'm dealing with the cashier who takes my money, the man who bags my groceries, the people I serve food to when doing a catering gig, hanging with friends, fucking or playing in the dungeon. It's all a power exchange, not power over. We each recognize what the other brings to the table and understand that we both need the other, appreciate the other's gifts and skill...and from there...magic happens.
The energy is going back and forth, not a one way vertical motion.
I'm not saying this to change your mind about anything. It's just my two cents because I hate the idea of power over. Even in role play, be it dom/sub or master/slave, two are playing together because they can each give something to the other. They need each other. If aware and honest, those two, or three or whatever can work together and become a cohesive unit of electrical/sexual healing energy. Again, an exchange of power. Unfortunately, as in all of life, many people don't see the equity in exchange. Or they hang onto the "power over" idea. They still view life as hierarchal. It frustrates the hell out of me most days.
(I appreciate alternate viewpoints here, but I just want to ask that please no one try and sell me on hierarchies or BDSM in my own space, or looking at hierarchies differently, calling them different things, etc. I'm so not green in this arena, it's not even funny: I am beyond familiar with all of these approaches, and have been for years. Bear in mind that my life existed before the net, too.
I aks that you please do not tell me that master/slave in any form is an egalitarian relationship in my space. I'd really even like to ask that no one uses the words master or slave around me, truth be told. There's nothing equitable about any form of slavery in my book, period, and when I say I'm sick of this stuff, I'm really not kidding.)
Absolutely no intention on offending anyone. For real. I was solely expressing my beliefs.
Trust me, I see the disastrous effects of not only the blatant sexism, classism, racism and mysogyny but the subtle forms they do manifest and the insiduous nature of such. It directly impacts my life painfully...each day, every day.
I don't intend to be harsh, for the record.
But when I say something upsets me, in my own space, and I want something else, I expect not to have readers try and sell me on it more, okay? Just a simple measure of respect as a virtual guest in a virtual home.
Especially in the context of this particular entry.
My apologies.
Thanks.
Oh to be genuinely, honestly, assertively and confidently ourselves. Heather, I think the withdrawal times are natural when we're in a state of change, when we're not really entirely sure how we see certain things anymore or when those views are in the process of becoming refined or different somehow. And it seems that's where you've been for a while. Now that some of the silt has settled and you can see a little more clearly exactly where and how your views and feelings about important things have changed, you'll be reaching out again, methinks. It's courageous enough to do it when you're damn sure of your stance and it feels suicidal to do it when you're not even sure where you stand. Although, like you, I never really hold too tight to many of my "stances" on things, having learned thoughout my life how many of those seemingly solid stances buckle under the weight of critical thinking and listening and debating. Besides, I don't know why we think we have to present ourselves as finished works, as though we're not constantly in process, growing, changing. Alliances necessarily change, but good friends stay.
Be well, sister.
A Buddhist friend of mine introduced me to the concept of 'Authentic life.' She said that to be the most authentic 'me' that I could be, I needed to let go of the expectation of a specific reaction to whatever I might say- be it positive or negative. I think it's a really amazing concept, and I've been trying to apply it to my life.
It sounds like what you want to apply to your life, Heather, and I... I want to help. If that sounds cheesy, I'm sorry. I have always trusted you, admired you, and believed in your belief that everything you did was worthwhile. I've watched a pretty amazing transformation over the years that I've known you, and it has only deepened all of the above. I love you, and I hope that we can all achieve 'Authentic life' in our own ways.
--K
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I have always had a lot of respect for the work you do, both in art, and with sex education. I can be counted as one of the arty porn people that definitely gives Heather props!
Quite honestly, whether someone agrees with all of your views or not (and being human we often don't even agree with ourselves), the fact is that you're out there promoting sexual health, respect, tolerance, and safety in an inclusive manner. I respect that a lot.
Yay for Heather!
I second Wolfe's comment about being human and often not agreeing with ourselves! One of my favorite Whitman quotes: "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes. " :D
I've come to expect these things both in myself and in others. It doesn't really hurt much less at the actual contact point of rejection, though. That's going to sting regardless, even if we understand why the person rejected us. But I find I'm better able to get my feet under me sooner and not allow it to continue eating away at my self-confidence when I recognize we ALL contain multitudes.
I don't know if gay men could claim rights on you on behalf of the queer community, but I'm game for figuring out where to place a bear paw tattoo on your body if you are.
Thanks, you guys.
Just FYI, I am not unwilling to have a discussion about D/S and the like, if that's a discussion people want to have with me.
I'd just a) prefer to have it after I have written more about my feelings and thoughts right now than the very brief Cliff's Notes paragraph this was in, and b) prefer to not have it in the context of this particular entry, which is about something else entirely.
(And unfortunately, I have no control over those ads: in a few weeks, though, I'll have a whole new server and this journal wi be via wordpress so new comment system w/out ads, too.)
"To be less chicken shit." Damn. Hopefully you can inspire me to be the same--as you know, that's one of my struggles. And here's that Arlo quote I mentioned to you the other day:
"If I remain true to myself, I can only assume that I will become a problem to the world." - Arlo Guthrie
Here's to being a problem 
Heather, I am curious, how do you define feminism?
Usually? When I need to be quick about it?
As social equality for women. However, even that isn't as simple as it sounds, as right now, I think the social system most of us live under isn't good enough for men OR women.
Thank you for your response.
Hi, Heather.
Just wanted to let you know that this post is being discussed here.
..Which I find kind of creepy, talking about someone's journal entry like that and all.
Heather, I'm going to be in Mpls tomorrow, cuz I'm flying out of there. I'm staying at the Sofitel. I should be getting there in the evening. Are you in town? Do you maybe want to hang out? It would be great to see you. Hit me up.
AH! Roxane!
Of COURSE I will make time for you, babe. How could I not! I'll drop an email in case too, but please do ring, I'll be here all day.
And ST/LJ reader, I'm aware, but thanks. I did engage that poster (would that it were but one discussion) at her original post -- I'm usually very happy to do so, and there is a pretty fruitful discussion happening there between a couple of us. But I'm not going to engage it in that cross-post, as a lot of the discussion is just intensely ugly and so scattershot I'd spend half the time telling a bunch of strangers my life history for it to have any context, only for it to stay ugly and my energy be wasted on people who don't really want to discuss, anyway. Not an LJ fan, to say the least, and this sort of thing is one reason why.
Heather, I don't always agree with you on certain points, but I'm still quite young, and I respect the hell out of your reams of experience and your willingness to share with others. I'm certainly a young feminist (though I identify more with 'humanist' personally) who's grown up under your influence, and an example to live up to when I'm under fire.
An example: I was giving a presentation on women in former Yugoslavia who were systematically raped, for nationalistic reasons (birthing the enemy's children, etc.) I posited about how legal abortions and EC might have changed women's choices, and their experience of power over their own bodies that they may have lost through the rape. Before I used the example, I conceded that the psychological effects of the rape were of course, detrimental, but since the readings had presented the pregnancies as nationalistic, I was considering them in the same frame. I argued with two young women who continued to try and make it an abortion debate, how it was simplistic and insane for me to suggest that, but I encouraged them to think about it from the potential victim's POV. Finally, a young woman *from* Bosnia spoke up, and said that many women committed suicide when they found out they were pregnant, and if they had access to choices we have here, they may have saved themselves and gained back power over their own bodies.
I glowed for days after I heard that, and I was glad I stuck to my guns in spite of the fire I took. One person spoke to me after class, and thought I was a terrible person initially, for making that an example, but she had learned to respect it even if she didn't agree.
Um, to sum up - you rule!
Oh Celine, what a beautiful victory. Thanks so very much for sharing that. And hey: YOU rule, woman!
Heather, I read your journal often, and while I don't agree with every viewpoint, I always agree with and am so inspired by your constant questioning of the status quo. Your attitude, possibly independent of your conclusions, has prompted me to make sure I'm not living a life unquestioned, to not settle for "Oh, it's just easier this way, why argue"... which, I've found, is such an easy capitulation to, well, men. Or at least the men who have been in *my* life recently...
It's hard. I can't even begin to express to most of my male friends and lovers the complete exhaustion that comes from living in tune with my beliefs, from not just accepting all the assumptions that come my way every single minute of every single day. Seeing you battle, and question, and celebrate your life gives me courage to do the same with mine. Thank you.
Hi, Heather,
I read your blog frequently and usually go back to catch up on missed entries, I have been following your relationship development with glee, and I know from fairly personal experience about some of the alienations of which you speak.
As with others here I don't always agree with everything you say but/and I honour and celebrate your strength, your habit of thinking things through, and your willingness to engage people while sticking to your own truths. I work in a profession that means sticking my neck out a lot or sticking to the status quo--my choice, but I live with the consequences, too. I ask/hope/love that you want to be more true to yourself while knowing that the community you have around you will make good room for that.
I want that for you, too.
I can be one of those voices.
...although one of the concessions to my work is that my online presence is mostly anonymous.
Wishing you strength and wisdom.
I v. much appreciate this entry, esp. as someone who experienced abuse in the BDSM community and has come to a similar conclusion. I am not worried about what that makes me to other people, esp. the "sex positive" people. It it is my truth and I just don't care to belong to factions anymore. My own humanity and integrity is more important to me than any membership in a group.
And I don't feel that I am the only one who is "right." I think for any of us to have any kind of meaningful communing with each other, we all have to let go of that. I see you doing that here and it is really beautiful.
Walt says it pretty well (if not so breifly and with a little bit o' heteronormatism):
One hour to madness and joy! O furious! O confine me not!
(What is this that frees me so in storms?
What do my shouts amid lightnings and raging winds mean?)
O to drink the mystic deliria deeper than any other man!
O savage and tender achings! (I bequeath them to you my children,
I tell them to you, for reasons, O bridegroom and bride.)
O to be yielded to you whoever you are, and you to be yielded to me in defiance of the world!
O to return to Paradise! O bashful and feminine!
O to draw you to me, to plant on you for the first time the lips of a determin'd man.
O the puzzle, the thrice-tied knot, the deep and dark pool, all untied and illumin'd!
O to speed where there is space enough and air enough at last!
To be absolv'd from previous ties and conventions, I from mine and you from yours!
To find a new unthought-of nonchalance with the best of Nature!
To have the gag remov'd from one's mouth!
To have the feeling to-day or any day I am sufficient as I am.
O something unprov'd! something in a trance!
To escape utterly from others' anchors and holds!
To drive free! to love free! to dash reckless and dangerous!
To court destruction with taunts, with invitations!
To ascend, to leap to the heavens of the love indicated to me!
To rise thither with my inebriate soul!
To be lost if it must be so!
To feed the remainder of life with one hour of fulness and freedom!
With one brief hour of madness and joy.
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