If it wasn't for the Church of England, my cat would still be
The other day I accused some local teenagers of simony and lust and wrath. Turned out it was a different set of kids, and I had to eat humble pie and apologise.
"Galileo was 100% right and they were 100% wrong."
You don't believe all that earth-goes-round-the-sun horseshit, do you?
It is not the season for daffodils you dunce, that is for lent.
Personally I find this endless academic insistence that the Pope smooth over all differences between Catholicism and Islam absurd entirely. He's not actually Supposed to be apologising for Christ's beliefs. I'm often in Rome and I notice no Muslims carrying sandwich boards broadcasting apologies in the Vatican Square for their ancestors' deeds. It is a stupid argument of the type we all seem to be sick of.
I've just watched Munich and think we should appologise for everything. I am already feeling sorry I got up this morning.....
Men don't appreciate daffodils. Nothing says "I'm sorry" like a good blowjob.
Wouldn't it be hard to say *anything* while giving a blow job, Sparrow? It would come out like this:
Mmm mmery mmery mssormy ...
You could always use sign language, I guess.
...breakfast.
Galileo was a pussy. Urban merely suggested doctrinal error and Galileo came apart like a cheap suit. Now Bruno, there was a mensch!Barbequed, yes. But, recant? Never.
The Pope has always been my favourite stand-up, he's full of comedy.
His "original sin" skit is a killer, I'd advise you all to watch it.
I always enjoy watching him bouncing around in his Popemobile, it's irrefutable evidence of faith in action, ever since the last Pope proved the reality of Papal infallability by getting shot.
Only the true representative of Christ on Earth would have taken a bullet with such grace and elan.
Hopefully we are now entering an era of bulletproof Popes.
This has all ended well. Looks like the pope took a walk in Galileo's shoes. The muslims got something to be upset about. The green headbands are a very nice touch, complementing all those teeth. They seem to just love mugging for the cameras, don't they?
Also, "Take it on the chin.". Mr Hutton, let me make this clear: I, and the rest of the Admiralty Interview Board, do not approve of such filth.
What we need here is a real expert in the apologetic arts to show the Pope how it's done. Care to offer a few pointers, Harry?
First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
Do whatever steps you want if
You have cleared them with the Pontiff.
Everybody say his own
Kyrie eleison,
Doin' the Vatican Rag.
Get in line in that processional,
Step into that small confessional.
There the guy who's got religion'll
Tell you if your sin's original.
If it is, try playin' it safer,
Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!
So get down upon your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
Make a cross on your abdomen,
When in Rome do like a Roman;
Ave Maria,
Gee, it's good to see ya.
Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an'
Doin' the Vatican
Rag!
Cartoons, a speach that no one would have known about... I wish the muslims would just shut up. Could you imagine if the Christians did this everytime some commedian made a joke about Jesus?
Tell me if you've heard this one, "A priest and a rabi walk into a bar. After walking in they look at each other and let out a sigh. 'Thank god there's no imam in here or this joke would have led to riots.'"
This works better:
So Jesus and Moses walk into a bar. They take a moment to look around. After a moment they look at each other and breathe a sigh of relief. Moses looks at Jesus and says, ‘Thank God that Mohammad isn’t here. This joke could have led to riots.’
I stopped praying to Allah 1 year ago and instead directed my requests to Russell Crowe, who apart from being a rather competent actor, seemed the type of bloke who could get things done.
And so it proved. My answered-prayers success rate has soared from an admittedly abysmal 1% to a relatively impressive 12%.
Russell-uh Akbar.
Let me just point out, though someone probably has already, that it wasn't a real apology.
It was the "sorry you got upset/offended" kind of apology. It's a pity you had to throw a tantrum and embarrass yourself, and a bit annoying for me that you had to get so high-horsey about it all, but I don't actually regret doing it. I'm only sorry you had to react so disproportionately.
Not that I disagree with the Pope, or anything. I have a great distaste for that religion, what with the paedophilic and rather bloodthirsty leanings of its founder.
You’re lucky you’re fucking anonymous, anonymous. To me, hacking off your bonce would be no more than crushing an ant.
If you insult the Muslims, they come out in the street, shouting the odds, waving placards and looking fierce.
If you insult the Christians, they politely excuse themselves.
If you insult the Jews, you lose your job, are ostracized from civil society and may possibly go to jail.
Who would you least be likely to insult?
Are you seriously suggesting that Harry Hutton is just another cyber-drone, working within the constraints of some prudent self-censorship? Come off it! Harry is known for his unpredictability. He's not afraid to push the envelope of public discourse. Next week he's doing a satire of the Jewish ritual of 'metzitza'.
Chase me ladies, I'm reinforcing media stereotypes.
No the Lehrer is:
'So get down' upon your knees
fiddle with your rosaries,
bow your head with great respect and-
etc.etc.
and can you play the piano that fast...?
I also liked 'National Brotherhood week.'
Just a minute; here.
Now the protestants, hate the catholics,
and the catholics, hate the prtestants.
And the hindus, hate the muslims,
and everybody hates the jews,
but during national brotherhood week
national botherhood week,
Leena Horne and Sherrif Clarke are dancing cheek to cheek
It's fun to eulogise with people you despise
it's only for a week so have no fear,
be thankful that it doesn't last all year.
x
No no, not daffodils, they much prefer grapes. Check your Quran my good man.
Better they should be offended by the Pope, than with somebody they can actually get their hands on I should think. Best have those Swiss chappies wide awake for a fortnight or so until the next Blasphemy moves the heat elsewhere!
So you think it was a deliberate move on ex partisan Benedict's part?
That wouldn't surprise me . It might have been semi conscious, but that might have something to do with it. I've heard him speak on several occasions. He's a bright man.
Chase me ladies, I'm reinforcing media stereotypes. Kevin McDonald
Nice one, Kevin. The Muslims are running around torching churches and threatening death again, so it must be the media's fault for showing them running around torching churches and threatening death. Truly a case of "Stop me before I kill again"...
Looking at those two fugly dingbats there must be 144 virgins in the afterlife hoping like hell they don't blow themselves up anytime soon.
I dunno - the one on the right looks a lot like my Puerto Rican drinking buddy.
The 2 with the tea towels remind me of 'Carry on up the Kyber' Don't make those classics anymore
Who would you least be likely to insult?
Depends where you are, doesn't it Kevin? I work in a Catholic school with lots of Muslims so I find a pop at protestants and Jews Israelis usually goes down a storm.
Chase me Kevin, I'm reinforcing centuries old hokum about Jews controlling the world. No, sorry - it was you that was doing that, wasn't it?
I think Hallmark should bring out a range of apologetic greeting cards to send to insulted Muslims.
My offering would be this:
"I wish there was a delete button
That could undo
The offence I caused
To your family and you
When I called the Prophet
A ... (insert rhyming insult here)"
Magnificent Harry - I haven't heard an argument articulated so neatly since the "religion is just a crutch" quarrel I had with by 15yo grandson a couple of weeks ago. Those religious morons are no match for you. Bravo!
.....He's a bright man.
He's a man in a skirt and a silly hat who has sworn off snatch for life.
And he hangs around with nothing but men who have sworn off snatch and chicks who have sworn off cock.
That's not bright. That's fuckin' stupid. He may have been born bright, but his mind was destroyed by the syphillis of religion.
.
Blow jobs _are_ sign language.
Personally, I apologise with a cake. That tends to work wonders. If Benedict were to nip down to the Caliph's neck of the woods with a still-warm homemade fruitcake guaranteed free of pork products, I'm sure that this would smooth things over. No icing, natch.
Hmm . . . no Caliph. Damn. Who to give the cake to?
What's needed is a good rave. I want to see gurning clerics from all faiths, embracing each other in the gathering dawn. Sorted.
I'm going to f*cking kill you for eating my yoghurt.
Looks like's Dave's forgiven Harry for accusing him of heresy, which is a promising start. I'm sure that Jimmy Carter could reconcile them, given time and an eye-watering aid budget.
Looking at the lovely pic again and wondering, who is it exactly that these birds are protesting to? Perhaps they need to have a day out in the fresh air once or twice a week. Do you suppose if the cameras weren't there they might calm down a smidgeon?
Putting aside all the theoretical mumbo jumbo Papa Ratzi and the Muslim street appear to be fighting about for a second, I noticed no Muslim riots earlier this summer when Spain beat Saudi Arabia 1-0 at the World Cup. If the representatives of the guardians of Islam's holiest places can't stuff the avatars of the Christian ascendancy over the Caliphate, then El Cid still has the upper hand over Johnny Mohammedean, doesn't he?
Isn't it odd to think that back in the day, Mohammed was probably akin to Gaddaffi, sitting as absolute ruler of his little desert feifdom, barking out loony edicts to his parched and terrified subjects?
Why do you think they were parched, wisdomweasel? This was before israel had stolen most of the regions's water, remember?
Gadaffi's daughter was very hot though, until the moronic americans killed her with a bomb. Oh, well, she was just an arab, as they say...
But of course Jack Shit, that Mecca to Tel Aviv pipeline is the real problem. Or maybe it is the fiendish Israeli reverse rain technology that just sucks all the water from the Arabian penninsula and transports it above what are now two Saudi provinces and the modern state of Jordan. Geographic QED, my genius friend.
That's not to excuse the misappropriation of water from the Golan, etc by the MOT, or the killing of hot ladies of any ethnicity by F1-11s (or any other plane, nay, any other method) of course.
No doubt the above will be dismissed as "geographical correctness gone mad" by all and sundry.
I think this fighting between Christians and Muslims detracts from the real problem. You know who I'm talking about don't you? Mel Gibson, I fucking love you, you big racist!
The West Bank and Gaza actually have a legitimate grievance about the water issue. But I don’t want to have a row about it. Palestine is the happy hunting ground for minds that have lost their balance.
Good God!!!We had Sol Kashberg, then new Sol Kashberg, then original Sol Kashberg and several Sol Kashberg clones. Now we have Sol Kashberk(mk2) I fear that dear old Sol has mutated. What's next? Solly Crecheburger?
Harry, we are of one mind when it comes to water rights in the occupied (and recently occupied/re-occupied) territories. It pains me when those like Jack Shit seem to think that water problems 765 miles away with no contigious river between the parties can be laid at the door of Israel. Either that or he's so intent on hitting the proper 1980s Ben Elton right-on note that he's adopted a Michelle Malkin-like approach to facts. Crap like that makes it easy for folks like AIPAC to paint those of us with legitimate questions about Israeli conduct as shrill baboons, muh top the detriment of the general force of the argument.
I always roll my eyes whenever somebody gets serious on these pages so I suppose it was inevitable that my turn would come. Have a crack, folks: free shot!
Muslim chicks are the worst. Forget that it's three weeks since you've been going out with them, and you're dead, literally. Trust me, I know.
Well, I mean....if I hadn't escaped over the border in the boot of a car, I would have known all about it and no mistake. It's not worth the hassle.
Hmm... Making an angry person to eat daffodils to cool off. Neat idea.
Ooooo look! A couple of bearded-ones from jolly old arabland are rioting violently just because some kraut in a funny white hat said that islam was a violet religon.
Now that's just crazy talk...
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