This was kind of like when Oppenheimer sat in the lab for four years working on some real mega shit. That's not all that hyperbolic either; pound for pound one of the best entries I've read. I hope you didn't just waste a book excerpt on us.
Mr. Cohen, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Who shat in your cornflakes, principal?
Ian, you know I love your stuff even when I disagree with you, but come on... "I just refuse to believe males in their mid-20's actually like that shit." I just turned 25, and I listened to Robyn's album the other day. Not to prove a point, because I like it. And no, that wasn't the first time in ages.
Your taste is not transferrable to other people. Period. The reason it sounds like they hear something different than you do is because.... they're hearing something different than you do! I can take this post (which is very well written and makes some pretty excellent points) with a large grain of salt, but reading shit that pretty much directly insults me for what I happen to like (and, uh, that's not really something I have any control over, dude) wears a little thin pretty quickly.
I'm now worried this comes off as more angry than I intend it to (because, err, I'm not even slightly angry), but I don't have the time to rewrite it - I also don't have time to go over the bunch of stuff I think you've absolutely nailed, but hey. You know I'm not trying to be a dick about all this, I'm just saying - we do exist, and while I buy a lot of your points about critics in general, being an exception still makes it rankle a little.
I lost you about halfway through this rambling, but I did enjoy the part about Super Size Me and The Arcade Fire reference. First time I checked back in awhile as I thought you went into retirement, but it turned out to be more of a Seau-esque retirement.
Not to be contradictory, but 1) Nelly Furtado is not "hot for a 50-year old"--she's just hot, and 2) I realize you were going for hyperbole, but she's only 2 years older than you, and you're nowhere near 48--unless you've been lying to me--in which case, you're looking very good for 48. 
Also, "Crazy" is played very often at Old Navy. I worked a four-hour shift the other day and heard it three times.
sorry dude, I gotta side with Ian the Mathers, that shit made very little sense whatsoever. I like you a whole lot as a writer but you really need to get over this idea that people who disagree with you must obviously either a) have no idea what they're talking about or b) be really really disingenuous.
seriously, there are enough strawmen in that post to fill up Kansas.
I agree with your statement that critics ARE, in fact, disingenuous. That Robyn album is nigh-unlistenable, but that isn't the point - the point is that if Jessica Simpson releases that album, it gets ignored by the hipster community (as it should in either case, no doubt).
It's the same with rap. Did you see the Pitchfork review of Rick Ross's album? They tried to paint him as this deep, mysterious veteran of the streets - but you KNOW that he's just some asshole who watched Jeezy on TV and realized he could make money telling lies about selling drugs and whipping it real hard.
Ian, This is why I could never be a music critic.
Glad to see you're back though, Dawg!
Ian (other one), I'd like to hear how you feel about Stephen Thomas Erlewine giving "Paris" 4.5 stars in AMG and whether or not I've made a point.
I was wondering when you were coming back. . .
Monster post, my man. All those grumbling about it not making sense clearly failed the reading comprehension portion of their college entrance exams. Although I'll own up to three no-no's (1. I put MIA on my top-ten last year, 2. I just heard Anniemal the other day and liked it, 3. I dig Isis and I am definitely "into metal"), I understand and agree with exactly what you're saying. Sure, it makes me hypocritical but I'm an engima and enigmas are allowed to be hypocritical.
What about the Pipettes? They're an even worse example of a group indie critics wish were their girlfriend. What 20-something straight male walks down the street humming "Your kisses are wasted on me" and can honestly say he enjoys it? Baffles me
I didn't mention the Pippettes because they're surprising busted-looking.
Can't believe I forgot the Burrows exception to the metal rule. I figured you gave that up when you didn't have pledges to torture anymore.
I'm not a fan of the Pipettes or any of those girl-pop people that have been mentioned but I definitely am a fan of Diana Ross and the Supremes and Martha and the Vandellas. I know it doesn't exactly play into Ian's dissertation but both are good examples of "girly pop music" that is definitely good music. Just because a song is a "girly pop"song doesn't mean a straight male can't enjoy it for being a damn good song.
So as a straight white male, if I say I enjoy girl-pop, I must either be a) lying or b) gay? Sounds like you dudes have the issues, not me.
Also, while I like the music of each to varying degrees, M.I.A., Robyn, Annie and Lily Allen are all quite unpleasant to look at. And to my knowledge, being a terrorist sympathizer, being a rich asshole, and having a dead boyfriend have never been on my list of "turn-ons." OK, the whole watching Chappelle thing, I'll give ya that one.
Yes, some critics take girl-pop too seriously, but don't you think that it's plausible you're taking girl-pop too un-seriously? Critics adopt guy bands that suck too, like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. That album is about on par with MIA as far as I'm concerned.
I don't know what I'm saying here, except that you have a point, but a point with a lot of holes in it.
"I'd like to hear how you feel about Stephen Thomas Erlewine giving "Paris" 4.5 stars in AMG and whether or not I've made a point."
Well, I'm not sure which point relates to that. Are you claiming he doesn't actually like the album? Impossible to prove, and quite probably wrong. Are you claiming if he likes that he should like other, less contrarian/hipster choices from similar music? Possibly, but then we veer into a place where you're going to have to claim that the only thing that affects whether we like a piece of music is the music, and that kind of denial of context is just silly.
I'm totally willing to admit I may not be responding to the point you think his review (which, naturally enough, I disagree with) makes, and if you clarify I'm more than willing to try and answer.
And woah, woah there Josh; while I mostly agree with what you're saying, I never said Ian's post didn't make sense. It makes perfect sense to me, I just don't agree with (at least) one of the central conceits. As Josh and others have pointed out, it's really really weird to claim that people who like things you don't are lying (I was going to say "either lying or", but really I think lying is what it all boils down to).
I think it's definitely possible for people to be disingenuous about their taste, but I don't think it happens as often as many of the commenters here and Cohen seem to, and I don't think it's somehow intrinsic or epidemic in the critical establishment (horrible phrase, but I'm in a hurry here).
But, I mean, if you go back to the post and, to take a semi-random example, look at the section from "I can't trust any praise of a pop album..." to "I just refuse to believe males in their mid-20's actually like that shit," there's a lot in there I agree with. The first paragraph mentioned alone is killer. I just think it's terribly weakened by the end - it makes your argument look a little wonky when you claim disbelief that other human beings like different things, Ian, not the other way around, and more importantly, I think your other arguments here stand just fine without that kind of contention.
RE Popular Culture
"Keep You Doped With Religion And Sex And TV"
http://beepbeepitsme.blogspot.co...on-and-
sex.html
I think that the central problem you've identified is one of metrics; what are critics measuring when they rank/score albums? Due to the fact that there is no universally accepted heirarchy of aesthetics, rock critics aren't really scoring an album's "goodness," or its "quality." I would posit that most rock critics are probably trying to assess an album's creativity. If that's the case, then "white boy mainstream rock" bands would ALWAYS score low; they are never creative. In other words, you seem to dislike elitism, but what is the alternative? Whole hearted embrace of mindless drivel? Excitement about simplistic, populist schlock? Its cool in some circles to blast elitism, but in most situations (especially in politics and music), the elites really should be in charge.
Song of the year for not white people:
Hustlin' by Richard Ross (the boss)
Lauging my ass off at:
It's why "ATLiens" is the platonic ideal for mainstream MC'ing, whereas "King" definitively proves that T.I. is not an actual human, but rather a Southern rap cliche-generator programmed by Texas Instruments.
Mad funny...
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