Damn Brian, too bad only domestic contestants can enter the game. I have plenty of embarassing/naughty personal french stories to tell and I would have sure won one of the books!
A wonderful lady friend was having much difficulty getting me to Oh! So she consulted her flatmate (a professional hooker who never turned off the red light).
The instructional guidance yielded much success (much blue balled backed up success) So much success that it was not a swallowable amount. Not sure what to do, I told her to just spit my kids out the window. Without hesitation she leaned out from the 22nd floor and spat out my DNA onto the very busy corner of burrard and grandville (vancouver). Some of the people on the street were pissed that they got hit by a seagull. ignorance is bliss.
Wow, this contest is SO YM magazine-stylee. I loves it.
Ok, so...I'm staying at a three story lakehouse condo with my boyfriend and my parents for 4th of July weekend last year. Their nighttime quarters were on the ground floor, while our room was on the third. Natch, my bf and I figure that three floors of distance is enough to get freaky naughty at about 3am.
After one of those glorious days full of bbq and daytime-drinking since about 2pm that afternoon, we decide some luscious out-of-town anal is just what the doc ordered. I mean, we're already covered in sand and the faint smell of spf lotion, right? Might as well add lube to the mix. (not that Terry from Reno 911 green apple shit either...the real deal: KY)
Low and behold, I forget about my mother's weird phobia about sleeping in strange places. Every vacation with her my entire life she has never been able to sleep for more than a 2 hour power nap. She woke up about 3am after her and my father had crashed around midnight, grabbed a glass of water and settled in on the third floor patio lounge chair, which also happens to have a front row side view of our bedroom's floor to ceiling windows.
About 3:30 or so, my bf decides to throw me over the chaise lounge, pointed directly at the patio mind you, to continue our prison sex-scene. I look over after about a minute or so, lock eyes with my mother, scream, my mother drops the glass of water and as we are scrambling to dress, I'm watching as my horrified mother has to tip-toe back inside because there is glass and water everywhere and she was only wearing socks.
The following day, we stayed in our room until we absolutely had to come out. When we did, my mother had saved us breakfast in the oven and her and my dad were about to go swimming in the lake. My mom asked us facetiously if we were tired and then told us how she had screamed when she broke a water glass earlier this morning and it woke my father up. Still to this day, she has never mentioned it us or to my father!
holy frack! just send all three copies to Kimberly. end of contest.
Ok, technically you said "your very best "embarrassing sex story!" " but not that I had to the one having sex right? I think everyone can relate with me with this one. Ok here goes: One Xmas eve my folks had the family over. The plan was that we would stay over for the night and do Xmas morning together right? Well, there was not enough room for me so I stayed in the finished basement underneath my parent's bedroom. Yeah you might know where this is going. Sometime early in the morning, I was awake for some reason and heard Mr and Mrs Claus going at it..... *shiver* ... oh my ears!!!!! Maybe they were just wrestling? Or couldn't find the TV remote and had to get up every second? I had blocked out that memory until tonight LOL !
When I was 13, my mom, in one of those unbelievable silent approaches, sprung open the door to my room right on the downstroke which caused me to deposit a load of semen on to my stomach in a fit of barely pubescent masturbatory ecstacy.
Does sex with myself count as sex?
Uh, James, Burrard & Granville run parallel, with two streets between them. That must have been one hell of splooge shot...
yeah kimberly,shit!well i don´t know if it counts if its not technically mine but i´ll share anyway:
my best friend´s roomate got really drunk one night and hooked up with this equally drunk freshman girl.turns out he was so drunk that while the girl was giving him head, he barfed two times, swallowed it, and the third timehe puked all over himself and the girl mid polesmoke. he then ran naked,covered in puke, thru the dorm hall to the bathroom where he stayed-passed out in for the rest of the night. the poor girl had to sleep in a bean bag chair covered in plastic grocery bags. then he told EVERYONE
i once blew a bird and swallowed
I hit the dorm room jackpot when two girls played with me. It happened gradually starting with drinking, frank sex talk, caressing, stripping down and going at it. When we went to a doggy position both our hands and arms were on the front of the matress of my bunk bed. It heated up nicely when the other gal leaned down and started kissing her and me. I started to lose myself in that kiss but it was a bit of an awkward position for her bent the way she was. We rose up for a better kissing angle all the while grinding the gal below going little deeper on every slow thrust below. All moans sounded approving and the gal below began to buck. It was only when opened my eyes to look that we her her head was stuck between the mattress and the bunk bed's crossbar. We put our weight back on the front of the mattress and freed her. When all three of us were leaned on the front of that mattress it made enough space for the head to work in there gradually. We managed to have a great time going at it again once we could stop laughing.
I had been single for a while and was interested in dating someone "nice" for a change. I eventually found "nice" in the form of a recently sober emo musician. We had several "nice" dates (including one where we coned each other's ears - wtf?) but my hesitance to scare off mr. nice combined with his overly mousy, emo personality made for very G rated encounters. I finally couldn't take it anymore and brought it up to him, explaining that I was concerned about coming on too strong and scaring him off because he was such a gentle soul (and I am such a raging slut), but that I really wanted in his pants. Relieved, he enthusiastically admitted his own attraction and we sped back to his place to bone. We had some very good but very vanilla sex that ended with post coital spooning and chatting. He admitted to me that he hadn't had sex in years and that he really missed it, and before too long I felt a little "angry neighbor" action developing behind me. Round 2! He started humping my ass and rubbing against it - really getting in there. I naturally assume that when someone rubs against my back door that voraciously, they want in, and far be it for me to deny this virtually born-again-virgin some hot anal action. So I spit on my hand and guided him in. Round two was much more impassioned and hot - real bring down the house level of fucking. We both came our brains out and and then splayed out on his bed, trying to catch our breath. I commented on how surprised I was by what had just happened - that I didn't know he had it in him. He replied that he can be really passionate once he gets going. I said something to the effect of, "I like that your version of "passionate" includes your cock in my ass", thinking it would get a laugh. Instead, he froze, shocked and aghast for what seemed like forever, before jumping up, horrified. "Please, no, please don't tell me my cock was in your ass! Really? NO! NO GOD NO!", he begged on and on, completely losing his shit. Eventually, he calmed down a little and looked me square in the eye and asked me to please just tell him that his cock was not in my ass. Stunned, I repeated robotically, "No, your cock was not in my ass". I mean, what the fuck was I supposed to do? He got up, looked at me suspiciously, and walked to the other side of the room. I started making excuses for a quick exit and fled asap. The next day, he left me a voicemail telling me he couldn't see me anymore.
Now, I know I do my keigels and all, but can't a penis tell the damned difference between a vagina and a rectum? And who the hell gets upset about anal sex? No more "nice" guys for me - MORTIFYING!
Varla ftmfw! As a raging slut I empathize, that is just awful.
I'd contribute but I'm Canadian and can't win. I also can't watch the Rock of Love episodes I've missed on VH1.com, which is just really fucking not cool.
Way back in my student days I was fucking this girl nice and hard and she started to whimper and scream. "Good," I think to myself, "you're firing on all fours." She screams again, louder, and I ask her does she want it harder still? "NO!" she shouts, and, pointing upward and suddenly trembling, whispers, "Bat! A bat!" Sure enough there's a small brown bat on the ceiling. I get up, she hunkers under the covers, and I go for the broom. She peeks out and screams "Don't kill it." I assess the situation, open a window and screen, then spend ten minutes buck naked waving a broom back and forth fighting bar radar to get the SOB out of the room. He/she finally landed on the broom, exhausted. I gently put it out the window, tapped, and the bat flew away. After several minutes of reassurance we resumed, and this time her cries belonged to me.
Come on Tom, you gotta bring it harder than that.
"but can't a penis tell the damned difference between a vagina and a rectum?"
oh yes.
it was one of those rare late summer nights in san francisco where the weather cooperated and it stayed warm enough to be outdoors for the duration. after a group of us had a grand old time getting drunk at a few bars, we were back at one friend's apartment after last call. i began to 'get friendly' with one of the girls and we both wanted more. however, a crowded 1-bedroom apartment just wasn't going to cut it for us. i suggested we make a run for the beach, she greedil agreed, we grabbed a blanket and took off. got to ocean beach and snuggled up and got down to business for quite awhile until we passed out under(and on top of the blanket). i awoke quite groggy and completely naked only to hear a lot of voices outside the blanket. i peeked out from our love tent and learned that it was "CLEAN THE BEACH DAY" and the entire beach was covered with hordes of people, including families and small children, working diligently around us picking up trash. we both had to get dressed in awkward fashion under the blanket only to emerge in rumpled fashion wearing obvious "night time clothes." a hurried, but by no means brief, walk of shame followed into the parking lot where they had sign-up tables and refreshment booths set up. the event organizer(or official clipboard toter) smirked at us and asked politley if we had collected all of our garbage. bad news.
I was once out with my good friend and his older sister. We got a little drunk and walked around. No more than 5 seconds after my friend chastises her for getting slutty whens he rinks she starts making out with me. My friend finds this bike and takes off giving me ample make out time.
We get back to my car--she's up front and he's in the back with the bike. She starts fishing around in my pants. So i decide to return the favor. So we're driving and i'm awkwardly angling my fingers around in her HOO-HAA. now the one issue is that my friend, his sister and i have been talking the whole time. I feel like it would be so awkward if suddenly the conversation stopped. So I keep carrying on the conversation, like nothing is happening,while i'm getting knuckle deep in his sister.
PS i know them from church.
WHAT HAPPENS IN THE ENDOSCOPY SUITE, STAYS IN THE ENDOSCOPY SUITE.
In my career I have performed over two thousand colonoscopies. We are very careful to sedate people to a level of pain control and amnesia that they will be willing to come back again, if the need arises. Invariably, a few patients have been more entertaining than others.
One man in his early seventies, newly married, presented for a follow up exam. During the entire procedure, he proclaimed in a very loud voice "oh baby!" "ooooh baby!!!" over and over. Needless to say I couldn't wait to meet "baby."
Another elderly gentleman moaned "oh, Zelma! You know I love it!" This fellow filled us in completely on Zelma and his exploits with assplay, mostly in a stream of conscious morality play with Zelma and him as the main characters. On meeting his wife, I greeted a blue-haired lady with, "hello, you must be Zelma." "Why no, my name is Mabel." Lesson learned.
One gentleman insisted to his wife (during his colonoscopy) to, "get that goddamn dog's cold nose out of my ass!" Who knows?
I can't count the number of women who have demanded I (perceived as their husbands) to "take that damn thing out" or, "I told you I didn't want it in my ass!!", or "oh, it's too big!, take it out!" I think it's good to know that all generations of sex partners are trying new things to keep the lovin' fresh.
On a personal note, I was performing an exam on a girl I knew from school. Her husband asked if he could observe the procedure, to which she and I agreed. During the sedation process she slurs to me, "You know, I never did see your cock, but I always wanted too." Fortunately her 6'5" husband was either hard of hearing or a really good sport.
After I graduated college, I lived at home with my mother for a year while trying to save money for a move to California. During this period, I had a petite asian girlfriend who would sneak over to vigorously bang me when my mother wasn't home. As I sat California dreamin at work one day, I received a call from my mother. The exchange went like this: Me: Hey Mom! Mom: I can't believe you Me: What do you mean? Mom: I can't believe you Me: ?? Mom: When I got home today I let the dogs outside and after awhile I realized that Peaches (a toy poodle) was having...a little trouble. I noticed she kept straining and straining and something was stuck in her ass. Sooo...I got down to take a look and noticed Peaches had a dangling CONDOM stuck in her ASS. I had to reach in and YANK YOUR condom out of Peaches ass...
Me: (Long Silence) Oh my god.... Mom: Annd thennnn, after I go inside, Peaches comes running up to me with her tail wagging and drops another used (jizz filled )condom on the floor right in front of me...which I had to grab and throw away! It was just great! At least you're using protection!!
(Let's just say I was embarassed) Flush your condoms everyone!
ok, back in the mid-90's, i was staying with member of band who shall remain nameless in a hotel in new orleans during his bands tour. his 19 year old girlfriend and her co-worker (aka "dancers") decided to drive out for the show.
while the musician and the 2 ladies decided mushrooms would be the drug of choice for the evening, i opted for the much mellower Roofie (please note this was the mid-90's BEFORE hard copy came along and gave everyone the notion of dosing strangers with it).
anyway, after we all retired to the hotel room the 2 ladies decided to start going at it with it each other while us 2 gentleman watched. the musician knew that at some point he would be involved in these lovely shenanigans. on the other hand, i had no idea whether i would be included or not.
after about 15 minutes (or maybe 2 minutes i have no idea) i decided to get up and get a closer view on the action. i was standing directly behind 1 of the girls going down on the other one. with her arched little stripper ass in the air and the roofie kickin' in my head i dove in head first against my better judgement.
as i bury my face in one of the two glory zones, the recepient arched up in pleasure for about 3 seconds then immediately jumped up and FREAKED OUT on me. all of a sudden, i was the 'turd in the punch bowl' and NO ONE was gonna get any as the other girl tried to calm the violated one down. the 2 girls went in the bathroom to talk while us 2 dudes sat outside waiving our dicks in the wind (the ween reference is a coincidence only).
after about 20 minutes or 2 minutes, i cant remember, the girlfriend of my friend came out and told me to go talk with the other one because the mushrooms caused her to panic.
so i go in the bathroom and had to listen to 30 minutes of why she freaked out/why she's a stripper/etc. while giving my own roofie/sage advice. anyway, after all this we all decided to end the night and go to sleep.
however, after about 10 minutes of trying to fall asleep the other couple decided they need to get it on while me and the other girl slept next to each other, sexless.
just remember what mr. garrison said....drugs are bad.
Is it merely ironic coincidence (What Penthouse Letters would refer to as 'Serendipity') that the letters 'dp' appear in em&lo's sex book url on amazon?
Looks like some IT guy apparently got all heated up and decided to have a nerd field .
Brian,
A long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away I dated a girl who we'll call Kelly.
We were both in high school at the time so we were both living with our parents. Kelly was a fabulous girl, she was very attractive, extremely book smart, and she was a cheerleader which was enough to make me happy at the time. The one thing about her that sucked was that she was dumber than shit. I mean this girl's common sense made Jessica Simpson look like a genious. It was insane!
So, I'm over at her house one night in the summer of '95 when we start making out. Keep in mind that her father is a pastor and it is Thursday night. It's getting pretty hot and heavy and we are doing our thing - clothes on. It was getting late and I had to get up very early for my summer job the next day; which I had been late for all week. As I am pleading with her to let me off easy she asks with a pout, "why do you need to leave now?" I replied, "I have to make my lunch." She said, "We have some lunch meat here...come into the kitchen and I'll make you a turkey sandwich!"
On the way into the kitchen she pins me against the wall and says, "I want you so bad right now." I mean this girl was a freak! It was awesome. She could have probably written a chapter or two in Em & Lo's book. So, again, we are making out. At some point in the action, she starts giving me head as I am pleasuring her manually on the island right in the middle of her kitchen. Right in the middle of the action she gets up, opens the fridge, and starts pulling out the fixin's; lettuce, tomato, turkey, mustard, cheese and bread. I am perplexed, but happy because now i get to enjoy myself and she was nice enough to make my lunch. So she's putting bread on the counter with one hand, while giving me pleasure with the other. It was amazing so I returned the favor.
Well, as she continues to make the sandwich we keep messing around. She started giving me head - I was in heaven - meanwhile she is squealing like a pig from my manual pleasure. All of the sudden we hear a noise coming from her dad's office, which is right on the other side of the breakfast nook.
I jumped up, she goes to the fridge and gets out the pickles. I am trying to pull my pants up and she casually glides over to the side of the island that was farthest from the office opens the drawer and motions for me to come to her.
Of course I do, and she grabs my package and gently places it inside the drawer while closing it. So here I am standing in the middle of her Father, the pastor's, kitchen with my dick in a drawer while his daughter, my gf, is making me a turkey sandwich.
Her dad walks in, literally, the second that she closes the drawer and asks, "Is everything alright, kids, I thought I heard screaming." As I am about to crap my pants Kelly says, "Oh, yes daddy, everything is fine. I am making Drew a sandwich and I couldn't open the pickles, but Drew was able to do so after a bit of effort."
"Oh, ok," her dad replied "I'm going to bed, I just finished Sunday's sermon. Don't stay up too late."
There was dead silence until we heard him go upstairs and close his door. Kelly just smiled and picked up right where she left off. Needless to say I told my co-workers the next morning and then naturally the entire school, including teachers knew by the time school started in the fall. I was so embarrassed. The good news is that now anytime anyone that I went to high school with gets a blow job it is referred to as a turkey sandwich. It was an amazing sandwich and there were no pickles on it at all! Kelly was a very talented chef. Hold the mayo!
Long time reader - Drew (or something like that). To protect the identity of those involved all names in this story have been changed.
Thank you
I'm also going to borrow a friend's story.
Aged 17 at high school he somehow managed to find himself one drunken Saturday night in bed with his friend's 15 YO sister (lucky this didn't happen in US so he's not on a sex offenders register - although he should be along with Siege and Stoddard).
He and his forbidden fruit playfriend were enjoying a good morning 69 when mother walks in just as he is letting loose genetic material across her cheek.
He said time stood still as he looked at mum - mum looked at him - mum looked at her daughter's defiled face and back to him. With the athleticism only true panic can inspire he scooped up his clothes and leapt out the window. The main issue being it was 2 floors up.
His naked desent onto the front lawn attracted the attention of people on the street. And so commenced perhaps the worst form of the "walk of shame"; naked, hungover, last night's clothes under the arm, his still dripping erection waving guiltly in front of him and his victim and her mother watching him leave from the bedroom window.
Just when you think no more shame could could be heaped upon him his mum was waiting for him at the front door having been alerted by the girl's Mum.
Although, he says it was worth it. Amen
@JP
I had to reread your post a coupla times, first time I thought your mother was accusing ou of bestiality!
So I was 16 and so very adventurous. I invited my paramour for a walk in the woods to pick berries- a perfectly acceptable activity both our parents would allow. We made it about two miles from home when the most glorious thunderstorm started... and being the type of teenagers we were, we promptly got naked and frisky in the woods. As much fun as it was, we neglected to notice we had stopped extremely close to a bike path... and as luck would have it, a biker who had been caught by the storm happened by us. And in the brief moment of seeing the biker before burying my face I realized the biker was a member at my church.
Whether he didn't recognize me or had the grace to not shame the pastor's daughter... well I'll just take that one bit of luck and run.
Seems to be a lot of Pastor's daughters getting laid out there....
I too have no interesting story of my own but I do have a slightly creepy and more than likely racist story from high school. I am from Savannah, GA and that is pertinent because it is the dirty south. I went to a small private high school and a good friend of mine was dating the one black guy in my class. There is a local university here in town and they had a nature walk and playground on campus. This was a great place to smoke a blunt or generally fuck around on a boring weekend night. Well my friend "Gladys" (name changed) and her boyfriend "Earl" (name changed) decided to do just that. Smoke a blunt on the nature trail and mess around. Well like any horny 16 year olds they decided they were going to get down with the get down. They chose the playground as their love nest. Well it was one of these multi level deals with the tube slides and platforms. Well the clothing made it to one of the platforms while they were going at it in a clear tube slide on another level. Well much to their chagrin their coupling was all of a sudden spot lighted. They were both ordered out of the slide over a loud speaker. The campus police had decided to get his leer on. He wouldn't let them retrieve their clothing from the platform. So the cop made them stand there in the spot light in the buff. This park is in kind of a wooded area so it was just the 2 of them and Johnny Law. The cop kept calling "Earl" boy and was extremely rude to him. As for "Gladys" he proceeded to look her up and down a few times and made her turn around (guess he wanted to see what she was packin'). So he gets their clothes for them and puts Earl in the back of the cruiser and proceeds to lecture Gladys about interracial dating and how that is not acceptable down here. This was circa '95. Gotta love the south.
My girlfriend and I were in her room having some sex capades High on Maryjane when her cat at some point jumped up on the bed. We were so heated we didn't feel or hear the cat. Well, Miss Kitty licked my o-ring in the process causing me to thrust so hard that my gf nocked her self out from the wooden headboard.
If you've been licked by a cat you would understand the velocity of the thrust. We laughed ourselves to tears for hours. I'm now dating her cat Jamison.
I've had more than my share of awkward sex moments, but here's a pretty good one.
This was my first time sleeping with an occasional drunken make out partner. I probably should also mention I'm a medical student.
while in the act...
Me: ummmmmm, are you ok?
Boy: well yea this happens sometimes..
Me: ohh, I’m sorry, is there something..? is it something I…?
Boy: no, no! it’s not your fault!
Me: umm, ok? Maybe later? We can take a break…
Boy: well you see, I have this slipped disk, and it randomly causes me to loose feeling in this general area :::gestures to hip region:::
Me: oh my god, from where to where?!
Boy: like here to here
Me: Wow! We learned about this! Well the penis is S1-S4, but up that far, that’s probably starting at like L1/L2
Boy: Huh?
Me: Oh sorry, I’m trying to figure out what vertebrae level the compression is at.
Boy: You’re a huge dork
Me: Are you implying that I should be the one embarrassed in this situation?
Anyway, there was much attempted sex, with little success. In the morning he tried to start it back up again at 8:30! 8:30!!!
Boy: Good morning ::hugs me:::
Me: mhhmm not awake
Boy: want to…?
Me: no!
Boy: how about…?
Me: no
Boy: ::pause:: want to play scrabulous?
Me: ok
"I'm now dating her cat" is a hellacious tag line.
Brian, Half these stories are bs, fake or taken from online... "kitchen with my dick in a drawer"... sigh ok. Come on people! 
Lets see....
Location - Hawaii, doing a remodel job on a house with my step dad and mother. Girlfriend visiting and taking off for the mainland the next morning. Me and the lady go to bed and after about an hour of pre-fun things get a bit hotter and nastier. I believe we were in a sort of half doggie/half reverse cowgirl position with the scene well lit with candle light. My mom, sleeping in the next room, went to bed a bit before us and then happens to wake up randomly in the middle of the night. She sees the candle light under the door and thinks we "unresponsibly" went to bed with the candle still light. Not wanting to wake us she proceeds to open the bedroom door. A few things make this the most emberessing moment of my life . The first is the "directors view" she got - if there was a film crew present, that is where they would have been standing at that moment for the Money shot (she could literally view the well lited cock in vag - finger in butt action). Second worst part was what I call 'action lag'. This means that, in slow motion, I feel a distubance in the force , look up , see mother and shocked look , brain says stop fucking , Mom says "Oh, sorry, I, um, candle, um....." (exit stage center) .....and instant limp.
Did I catch my second wind - hell yes. Good laugh and morning conversation followed.
Hahahaha - you have my word of honor that my story is 100% true. I'll also up the anty by mentioning that the other party involved is a pro skateboarder. Em and Lo have been privy to some of my "true tales" before - I'm sure they'll vouch!
My dear friend (who appears somewhat regularly on this site), had a neighbor whose dog escaped his apartment and jumped over to her balcony. This neighbor had to climb onto her balcony to grab the dog only to look in and witness my friend sprawled out on a bunch of towels laid out on the living room floor as her boyfriend (who was finally granted his golden shower fantasy) stood over her, peeing all over her naked body.
Friend of a friend story (could be an urban legend?!) This girl (supposedly my roommate's friend) went home with a guy she just met and they have a night of good sex and pleasant times. He has work early the next morning and tells her that the apartment door locks automatically so she can sleep in for a bit and leave whenever she wants.
After she wakes up, she has to take a giant poo. Unfortunately, the boy's toilet won't flush and when faced with the idea of leaving a giant turd in the toilet of a boy she just met (and really likes), she does the unthinkable and finds a plastic bag in his kitchen and fishes her poo out, determined to just take it with her and throw it out once she leaves. As she's leaving, she realizes she never gave the guy her phone number, hunts down a piece of paper and a pen, and spends a few moments composing a cute note to leave the boy. Contented with the note, she proudly smiles, and exits the apartment. Only once she's securely locked out of his apartment does she realize that she's left the plastic bag holding her shit inside his apartment on his table right by her note. Needless to say, he never called her.
Has anyone else heard that? Should I kick my roommate's ass for claiming that happened to her friend? Either way, I love the story.
Nylund, someone sent me a video of this. It was an advertisement from somewhere. So yeah an ass kicking is in order.
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