Talk to the Goat
For the record: I love you, Kat, and I still love the egg too. It just seems to have the opposite of the intended effect!
Some men just won't take no for an answer will they? Can you believe he already imagines your "first time"? EWW! I have no idea what more you could tell him. I'm terrible with those sorts of things.
buhahaa ... SORRY. I know it's not funny. You are a good writer.
He's probably realy crazy. Do not phone. It's the only way he could get your number - and then ... no more quiet mornings. Calling from an public thingy would also encourage - "She phoned me-didn't she?" ...
Isn't there some cheap muscle around you could use?
If not, and you'll meet him again, tell him clearly to fuck off. Imediately. If he touches you, scream, louder, and go mad. If you have the possibility, manage to hit him with something that hurts, do not regard considerations - hit.
He's nasty, he's probably crazy and he's enduring. Protect yourself.
Put the egg in your right pocket and see what happens. 
Sharpen your stakes and impale the bastard. This your life, don't him make you feel uncomfortable about walking around in your 'hood!
When guys ask for my number I give them the number for directory assistence (area code)555-1212. Maybe you should give him the number to a mental health professional.
Be blunt, be sharp, just be forceful about it.
Let him know your friend Proxima is an ex-Marine and has not had the pleasure of ripping the balls off a bloke in awhile. Wish I were there for you dear. :>
-P
Dammit, he messed up my sentence structure. Kick his ass!
-P
wow dude. you do attract some of the most fantabulous, no?
oy. choice words from me would include "Police" "Husband will KILL you" "GO THE FUCK AWAY"
just a thought.
did you get your present yet?
do you have mace? if not, get some. be safe!
My whole comment got swallowed for lack of "cookies." I'll try again.
This is disturbing. Do not call him in case he has Caller ID.
Your instinct not to let him know where you live was right-on. We also don't want a neighborhood lunatic who feels rejected stalking you, so I suggest you report the incident to the police. He touched you. That is technically assault.
They may already know about this guy, or at least have a little talk with him. The time for kindness is past. He has crossed way too many lines and you need to protect yourself.
And maybe you could develop a taste for Diet Coke.
If you really do call him, DO NOT do it from your home phone. Crazy people have Caller ID too, so you don't want him getting that information. Find a nice pay phone to use.
This new neighborhood of yours is... um... interesting.
This has made me very glad I'm guy, if there really are that many men out there who will openly cat-call a woman, and that it's that easy to pick up a stalker. Being an attractive woman would suck, for someone as freaked out by big cities and strange people as I am.
Just... damn.
1. I do not know how to go about buying mace.
2. The guy lives in Scarborough, quite a long ways from here, which is why it's insane that he travelled to my neighbourhood and poked about for 4 hours just to find me. And that he DID find me is just !!!!
3. I will die before I drink coke!
4. Good advice, I will definitely seek out a payphone.
Oh boy woman. You are in some deep shit. Sorry for the language. I wouldnt call him. All the others are right. That is the way stalkers get your number. I would go to the Police and tell them that you have encountered him twice and see what they tell you. Probably will tell you nothing but you tried at least and you have reported him once. If he comes again and you report him again its a second offense. I know very little and I watch way to many criminal tv shows. LOL... Hope you are good and I will catch you later. N.
I don't think you should call. Any attention that you give to him, positive or negative, will just empower him. If you come across him again you should go into the nearest store or business and once you know he is within hearing range say to an employee, "There is a creepy person stalking me. Can you call the police for me?"
Carry a spork from now on, believe it or not those things ARE dangerous.
Well that's freaky! Maybe you should give him the egg and tell him it's a "love charm" and then a wacko woman will start stalking him and keep him too busy to stalk you.
But yeah, the payphone thing is smart. If you call. Which maybe you shouldn't do at all.
I would go to a joke store and purchase a can of fart spray if they make such a thing. it might even come with sound effects and use it when he comes around.
Honestly Jay, this guy is scary. Do you have a camera phone? Cuz a picture of him might be a good idea too.
Well last time I didn't call, he just showed up because apparently subtlety isn't his thing. I'd like to avoid feeling like a prisoner in my house.
Jay, this reeks of bad crazy. Anyone who can get that high off of just seeing a stranger on the street you gotta figure can go equally low if they don't take their meds. And low people can be dangerous.
Maybe you ought to put the egg in a brown paper sack and leave it in the park with a note like "Go Home." Tomorrow, tell him where he can find the Universe Egg and that you never want to see him again.
(That's terrible advice.)
Thanx for your comment on my blog! I'm glad you did cause it led me to your site and after reading a few posts I can tell that we are meant to be together FOREVER!
Seriously though DO NOT CALL. If you have the misfortune to run into him again make it clear that you want him to leave you alone. If he persists make a scene. And call 911 (or the canadian equivilent) immediately. Whatever you do though... do not call him. Crazy loves attention and he is definitly c r a z y.
You think I'm creepy--I should introduce you to my brother Michael--The King of Pop.
Don't call.
Inform the police.
Carry on with your Jay-walking life.
Stay strong.
Is it bad that I'm jealous? I married my only boyfriend when I was 18 so I don't really have any experience being hit on. Do call from a payphone so he can't trace your number. Maybe tell him you are a lesbian?
Why don't you give the police his number and have THEM call him at 10.
JMH - thanks for the terrible advice
Heart - I just had the cookie problem myself!
CB - I wonder if perhaps crazy attracts crazy - which makes me.... ?
Jennifer - believe me, being married does not prevent you from getting hit on. oh boy.
GDA - have pity on the poor police...who wants that crap job?
It was your pursuit of Diet Pepsi Cola that enabled this ne'er-do-well to reestablish contact with you.
May we humbly suggest that Coke Zero may very well be your escape hatch from this addle minded lothario.
I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony...ah, but I ramble.
Anyhow, live long and prosper.
...And drink Coca-Cola
Oh congrats! You've joined, the few, the proud, the hit on by random people on the street. Welcome to my world.
Except you get extra special stars and honors for having the guts to actually call the guy. I feel like this is only the first installment of stories about Tito. Can't wait.
Obviously the guy is lonely, infactuated with blond-haired athletic women, and doesn't believe you are married.
You can't stop walking, but you can carry a cell phone and call your husband or the police when he approaches - but then he will know that you were kidding about not having a phone.
You also can take his picture and file a police report.
Finding someone else to walk with may also be good, but us individualists like to walk alone.
There is always the disapear in the restroom and change, including a wig to hide blond hair that seems to be creating the confusion in his mind.
Perhaps the best solution, one of those "solicitors" that was trying to get your attention could distract the guy for hours; just make arrangements ahead of time; introduce the solicitor as one of your best friends, then while he is being held up, dissapear.
You may also have to walk a different direction for a while...
I don't envy you position; it is like the guy that kept dropping off about 20 broken TV's into my front yard, that the city called "hazardous waste" thus I could not place in the trash can.
Perhaps you may need to borrow a large dog with big teeth and noisy bark for awhile?
No. Don't call. Why encourage him?
If 'fate' (or his stalking ass) crosses your paths a third time, start saying the words 'restraiing order' over and over. Mix it up with 'Get the fuck away from me, you loon', and 'yo make my skin crawl, and in no way that you'd ever want it to.' Use these phrases often and in multiple combinations, along with enough swear words to make a sailor blush. He might get a
vague inkling you might not like him.
Next time, point in a different direction than your home neighbourhood.
I think this cold be another sign changing capitals is a good idea.
Tito eh?
I see white patent leather shoes
I see pinky ring
I see gold tooth
Magic egg
I see Vegas
I see Elvis
I see drive thru chapel
Send ME an egg Kat!!
Tell him your husband is a cop and found his number in your trash. He (husband) is a little crazy and you're not certain what he will do, but for Tito's own safety it would probably be better for him to make himself alot more scarce.
No long term engagements for that guy, going straight at the clitoris like a drone headed for the honey pot. the egg sending fertility signals like a magnet from your south p hole to his north pole, lucky lady.
Great story.
What Romantic terminology called genius or talent or inspiration - is nothing more than finding the right road empirically, following one's nose, taking short cuts.
When the blisters heal, cover the area's with sticky elasto type bandaid before your next walk, remove after, result neg blisters,
Fuck politeness. Tell the would-be lathario that he has creeped you right the fuck out and if he comes near you again you will be forced to impale him with your ipod. And yes, it can be done. And please, call him from a payphone. You don't want him to have caller id and end up with your number.
PS you can buy mace on-line. In fact, mine came free with the stun gun my husband bought me for mother's day.
You do have the most random encounters, I swear, Miss Jay.
Heather - you'd better be wrong about that!
Rob - between the mase and the cell phone and the camera that I now have to carry (and hello? on walks I never take a purse!), I think I won't so much need a walking partern as a pack mule.
Blackcrag - true enough, I've been dreaming of sweet Ottawa a lot lately.
Zona - try man sandals (!), man jewelry (!), and these eyebrows that I thought were so arched they had to be pencilled in, only they weren't.
DB - think that'll work? i'm just afraid of activating his damself-in-distress mode again.
Vest - oh no, he assured me he was strictly a monogamous guy, and that he doesn't kiss in public, and he likes role playing, and he has 7 siblings, and he kept saying, like I'm sure a dozen times "Now, Jamie, tell me this: if you met a man who knew how to treat a woman right, would you take the time to get to know him?" all the while trying to stroke my arm as I kept jerking away. It was awesome how many times I got up to go study pigeon poop.
Mrs X - who said anything about politeness? If I call tomorrow, it's to set the record very, very straight.
I am supposed to empathise and provide a turn key solution here, yet I must admit that I cant do all this because I cant stop laughing. This post caused a laugh riot around my table all the best with the phone..
Whoops! Um, no advice on the phonecall, I'm the sort of girl who would ring him and go out with him for fear of hurting his feelings. Good luck though! x
Is that even real? It seems to creepy to be true. Be blunt. Break his heart. Tell him you've become a lesbian. Tell him you've fallen in love all over again with your husband. Tell him hes a creepy ugly dude and if he comes within 50 yards again you'll take out a restraining order.
I seriously think that being harsh is the only way you'll get through to him. Let your inner bitch out!
That is freaking scary, avoid and abort. Eugh, got stalker shivers down my spine
I'm totally creeped out on your behalf. How about you got o the police station and call from there and say to him there's somebody here who wants to talk to you and explain about stalking.
make sure you use that call block feature on your phone, you don't want him getting your phone number. do you know where the police stations are when you're out walking, i would have walked straight to one and let them talk to him to straighten him out. good luck and BE BRUTAL!!!
You don't call this freak, for that matter there should be only one thing you should ever say to him if you "run into him" again. the thing you should say is as follows...
"The burning feeling you have in your eyes is called mace. The reason you are uncontrolably spassing on the ground is because I just tazed your crazy fucking ass. This is how I will form now on show my affection for you everytime you are within range. Have a beautiful day"
and walk the hell away.
sometimes in life the compassionate hand is a detriment.
its like the old joke
"What are the chances of us getting together?"
"One in a billion" she replied
"So you're saying ther is a chance..."
No, seriously, having the police call him for you is a good idea. And they do it. I know, because I've had several policemen as friends, and they DO it. Do not call him, he will NOT take anything you SAY seriously. If you call him, he will only know you CALLED him!
Sheesh, what a loonie! Good luck, dear! If you run into him again, please notify the police before he's gone. Like, at the counter of whatever store your in, ask them to call for you.
Is it legal to mail mace? I will!
I think Foundme/jamie's advice is really great. Ask the police to call him for you and tell him to STAY AWAY. This is scary, you got the creeps from him right from the git go and that's all you need to know. It may seem 'extreme' to contact the police about this: but the guy 'found' you because you didn't call him? That's f-ing crazy and police call worthy. Stay safe, honey!
Why do Titos have to ruin it. I was liking your smile Toronto program idea, but now I know that is a lost program.
Maybe you could be brutal, but also have some backup like an "enraged husband" that threatens in the background or even getting on to talk with Tito. I don't know.
I do know about Mole Skin though. Get some for your blisters. Any camping/hiking type store will have it. Ask for it and get some relief for those poor paws of yours.
Having the police call is a brilliant idea, if they will. Short of that, I suggest calling him (from a payphone far from your home) and telling him that you are calling to tell him that you do not wish to speak to him, and if he continues to pursue you, you will call the police and inform that you have a stalker. Then I would be sure to give his number to someone else, so someone knows exactly who has been bugging you if something (God forbid) should happen.
How sweet of you to help the little old lady. If only Tito knew all he had to do to get your number was break his grocery bag. 
All I have to say is that I refuse to give up on the egg just yet. Just you wait, one day soon you will be in imminent danger of being hit by a bus when *poof*...out will come Tito from his stalking place and shove you out of harms way, spit a-flying and all the while testifying to your great beauty and charm. And then you shall know the true power of the egg...yes!
Or, maybe Marie Laveau really just did get confused and meant to say "right pocket". Well hey, at least the egg was pretty, no?
Creepy. Whatever you do, just be careful.
Make sure you block your phone number
Oooo, I hope the little lady calls you, I think that will make for awesome stories. I want to know who she is, where her family is from etc...
Whatever you do...make sure you see Tito out in public...park, store etc..during the DAYTIME!!!
Still no box, my issues is that my stuff is bigger than a glass ball...which is reminding me of the prophecy ball from Harry Potter
Just be very careful. Block your number, keep mace with you, this guy sounds creepy to me....
you really need to turn that ipod/music maker up louder. Their is a way to mask your phone number without getting to a payphone, but I am clueless to what it is.
when you call, try not to curse, it might piss him off more
Omg! You have the craziest luck. Screw the egg girl. It's all you.
Btw, you're too cute to be walking around alone like that! You need to ugly-up. Draw a mustache on your face or rat up your hair before you step out the door. Ooo! Or forget to wear deodorant! That will keep the creepies away.
Note to self: Leave the "good luck" at home.
Thanks alot Tito...shithead!!! Now, if I'm in Toronto and I happen to see Jay, I can't say hello....damn you to hell, Tito....DAMN YOU!!!!
Sorry Jay, on behalf of the male species, I apologize. We are kicking Tito out. he was annoying anyway
Dye your hair. Wear a wig. Take karate. Wear pointy shoes.
That is freakin' creepy. Be safe.
This comment has a lot of very short sentences except this one which needs to end right now.
I reckon don't call him. he sounds like too much of a weirdo. But the alternative of calling from the police station is good. Sounds like they'd help you out there, from what your other commenters were saying.
Have I told you I like reading what you write, lately?
It's the hair. Wear a wig.
Do not call. Do not even think of calling. Have the police call him for you. And visit the animal shelter and see about volunteering to walk animals; you can take a nice big pooch with you who will be more than glad to 'dispose' of ol' Tito.
I have a SERIOUS case of the oogies now.
Go visit the old lady and have her call "Tito" and tell him not to bother her granddaughter or she'll send someone over to smoke him.
What a creep!
What a creep! Please be careful as you don't know what this guy is capable of. And make sure your number isn't traceable if you do decide to call him. good luck!
You do meet some interesting people, don't you.
Okay, don't give up on the egg yet. Try putting it in the right pocket. If, Tito still appears, try throwing the egg at him like a weapon!
As to what to say to him, Hmmmmm. How about calling him and talking to him but get his name wrong all the time. And use a whole lot of names! Fight crazy with crazy.
Don't call him Jay. If you want, email me his number, I'll give him a call he won't soon forget.
When women try and pick me up it never lasts past my first words. Maybe it's the spam and onion sandwiches I eat.
OMG don't you dare call him! Psycho freak guy.
I'd get a guy to call him. Say he found the number in your bag, and let him freak right out. Scare the crap out of the guy.
The fact that he walked around all that time to find you? Scary.
This is the part when you do your best to imitate a very disturbed individual Think Regan from "The Exorcist" Let me know how it turns out.
BTW, you are TOO nice.
Don't call - I'm sure he does this all the time and will eventually turn his stalker-energy to someone new. LET'S HOPE.
I'm a little freaked out, for you.
sighs. this is nuts. the guy is lonely and mental. if the word married doesn't turn him off, well, its just scary.
be blunt, and non threatening, but refuse his attentions. i have a feeling he could turn into a stalker. super duper yikes.
i love diet pepsi! yum.
Jay, He really sounds like someone who is just looking for a friend. He sounds harmless to me. I don't think I would tell him where you live but think about it. By just talking to him you made his day. If he keeps making advances like wanting to feed you sausage then just be honest and tell him that he scares you. He probably doesn't even realize how odd his behavior is. This is one of the best story's I have heard. I am going to go find me one of those eggs. It seems to me that egg brought you 2 new friends, one that you chose and one that chose you. You can never have too many friends
At first this post started off entertaining enough what with the ground beef in ragu, and the scorching case of herpes...
This guy has a problem! I hope his problem doesn't become yours.
If I were you, I'd have your husband call this lunatic and tell him to leave you the EFF alone. But that's just how I roll...
Looking forward to an update!
If you don't want to call me, THEN FINE. BE THAT WAY !!!.
In all seriousness that, that is kinda creepy. Call the police creepy.
LMAO you get 'em all dontcha babes?
*sigh* it's the price you pay for fabulousness y'know.
lol i guess it's just me then, i never get hit on...ever.
sometimes it pays to have a pitbull around the house.
I always get the crazies, too. It's always lovely to hear that you are amazingly gorgeous from strangers, until they start following you home, or to work , or you know, just generally around for days. Crikey.
this sounds very creepy. if I acted like him, I'd expect a visit from the police.
Whoa, the guy is very forward. and yes, stalkerish. I can't believe he's spouting things about knight in shining armour, cheesy cosmic universe, and everything. C-R-E-E-P-Y. I got to hand it to you though... I would not handle this situation very well at all. I'm sure you will do well when you call him and bluntly decline any further advances. I wouldn't consider him a friend at all.. but that's just me. Good luck...
Yeah. This is way too creepy for comfort Jay. Don't call him. You've been really polite to him and that's good. But maybe you should sternly tell him to leave you alone or you'll report him for harrassment. Scary.
Holy crap, this is worse than the time a gay molester tried to pick me up. Absolutely hilarious, although I'll feel better about laughing when you have a restraining order against him. And hopefully he's behind bars. Yikes.
Welllllllllllll? What happened?
Good luck on your date:]
Purse? the camera and phone fit in the pants pockets...; I usually have both when walking... (2mp Casio exlim is just about right {obsolete}).
The wig and clothes change (fake beard, face-grease..), will probably require the backback; but you said you had that...
I like the idea of letting the police return his call; and similarly when he follows you to let him follow right into the police station.
But if he really wants to know you he should just use the public library and read your blogs...
This is so wrong on many levels. There are times I would like to be a fly on your shoulder because you hook up with some interesting people. I'm not sure that you should call him, unless like folks said, you use a pay phone, or perhaps the cell phone of one of the fueding duo you've had to deal with lately.
That guy is really weird. I really want to see a picture of that egg now.
come to think of it, you should tell him your address IS the police station..., especially if he keeps insisting on walking you home.
Tito be gone.
call from a pay phone .. please. You never know if he has caller id.
"My genitalia are ambiguous."
Howled, did I.
I rarely offer unsolicited advise. but i am going to. feel free to ignore it.
buy some mace. do not call him at all.
If he finds you again tell him you are not interested point blank, desperate stalkers cannot take hints. then tell him you do not want to be contacted again. if he gives you trouble call the cops and have a restraining order taken out of him.
then spray him with mace.
either that or move to anothe city.
he aint going away.
i like the idea of having the cops call him and tell him to leave you alone.
http://homesecuritystore.com/
pep...spray_mace.html
I have one word for you: taser.
I had a roommate in college who had one. We polled all of our male friends, asking for a volunteer to see how it worked. We waited for someone to get drunk enough to acquiesce to our demands. No one ever did, but that would have been so awesome.
Good luck with your new friend!
Whatever you do, DON'T open and close your curtains/blinds. (did you see Enduring Love?)
Hmm, that was too cryptic if you haven't, LOL! The main character, Joe, is being stalked by this crazy dude, who "knows" that Joe is sending him signals when he opens and closes the curtains. :-P
because she thought I needed some of both..
Some how I mis-interpreted that as you need both an egg and some luck. Eek.
I don't know what it is about the word Polish and sausage, but they really shouldn't be in each others sentences.
I have nothing to suggest but to take it as it comes
Do you actually read all your comments? You always have so many! Anyhoo do NOT phone this man. Or maybe phone him from the airport, tell him that you're moving to Australia, and give him an Australian address and phone number. Maybe he'll fly away and leave you alone.
Maybe you should carry a Polish Sausage in your left pocket...
Damn girl...so what's happened since? Seriously, FIRM FIRM NO. OVER.ANDOVER.AGAIN...
You could not call him and hide for the next 6 weeks. Although that might give Tito enough time to knock on every door in the city...
Can I be frank? (cuz you know I care)
Are you serious? Don't call him EVER!
Take some of the advice given here and go to the police. And do it now.
I can't believe he knows your name.
And if you really are thinking of moving, now might be a good time hon. Maybe the Universe is trying to tell you something about where you live currently.
Just please keep safe and don't encourage him by even talking to him.
Eeek! I hate these kind of guys. No matter what you tell them or do, they still won't let go. They are usually quite harmless, but they can really get on your nerves. Don't take the risk, though.
I sure hope you get rid of him, soon.
Stalking from Sweden writes:
You are a classy lady, and I am your knight in shining armour.
You must bear my children, etc.
My God (if I had one), how do you get these kinds of blokes?
You amaze even me (no easy task).
Rock on, and keep the buds in.
you are fab Jay. you make even the creepy and slightly scary and downright irritating so entertaining.
I like the idea of the cops calling him - or just give us all his number and we can all call him at crazy hours to leave our Jay alone!!! (will our caller id blocked, of course)
and i thought i was safe with headphones too! warnings heard and being heeded as i type.
Half a world away - I still cringe. How can so many men be oblivious to the obvious?
Talking to a man should never be an automatic first date, I'm always surprised when some guys think it's so.
When you call him - do it from a payphone, and I agree - honest and brutal is the only was to go unfortunately.
If you must call (which I do not recommend, I think it will only encourage this guy) be very blunt and don't give him time to talk. Tell him you're not interested and do not wish to speak to him ever again, leave you alone, etc.
Then hang up.
Oh fuck. He sounds seriously weird and I'd be in the "calling the cops if you don't leave me alone" mood. Not that I'm likely to be stalked by anyone, let alone Tito...
It's just me, checking in to see if you had any updates.
If you ever see him again, I suggest kicking him in the balls, repeatedly, while screaming as loud as possible, "no means no!" This guy sounds beyond creepy. I don't care if he is lonely, that's not how you make new friends.
DON'T call from your home or cell phone, if you do. I would make sure the police were involved somehow - this guy sounds unstable.
Don't call him. Dye your hair brown. Change your name. Move to Denmark.
Find some one with a voice like Darth Vader, to pretend he's your husband and call the bastard.
He can tell him he's going to stick a light sabre up his ass if he bothers you again!
I don't think I would call :-/ I think I'm scared of Stalker Tito.
Hallo ... are you still with us?
Moments where I laughed (out loud):
"my genitalia are ambiguous"
"note: this is what we call 'foreshadowing' "
Anyway, tell him God told you that he was destined for better things.
Or get a mini cattle prod, and fry his ass.
Tink - I assure you I was NOT looking cute at all . Besides being sunburned (well, farmer burned) and sweaty, I was also wearing my baggiest walking shorts, not a stitch of makeup, and my hair was in a knotty ponytail that probably shouldn't have seen the light of day.
Christi - stalker stuff aside, I like the dog walking idea!
K - I still love you.
Jen - of course I read and cherish them all! what else are they for? they're my entertainment!
Mark - just curious, what else could I bear you? (children, etc)
Tell him he's a twat and to fuck off or else you'll jam the fucking payphone up his arse.
Prick.
I'm more than a little worried, Jay. I think that your call should be to Toronto's finest. Don't contact this guy and do protect yourself.
damn
well, that's put paid to my idea of us two getting together...we would have been soo good...
but i'd never date a pepsi sinner.
the REAL thing only for me!
glad you seem ok though.
never call strange men, unless it's me...
You know, this might be one of those stories that creeps you out for a long time before it becomes truly, truly hysterical.
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