Talk to the Goat
Here's what I suggest:
Start your own business and hire me as your first employee. As your employee, I will be sure to bring margaritas to work for you every day.
I think it would be a sweet deal...what do you say Boss?
Yikes! Today is get a job day for Robin too! This afternoon I interview for a job I've been coveting for quite some time now. I'm nervous. Not about the interview, but about having a real job! It involves alot of those things you won't put up with in a job (and I find them pretty intolerable, too.) For the last three years I've been avoiding getting a "real" job so in order to get some money to go to Target, i made my own job. Check me out at www.monroepetcare.com But now its time to get a job where I don't have to touch poo all day and people actually invite me out to happy hour. Wish me luck at the interview. Good luck on your job hunt. If you can't find one you like, make your own!! Sell more cakes, girl! Then you can afford to buy more cake boards! (What a bad, bad sister you have!) P.S. I have that unroll a condom with my mouth skill too! Was it bad to list that on my resume???
Oooh, and what is this fun new comment forum you've got going on?? What are the benefits of this over the old boring one?? Do tell. Don't keep all your "fancy blog" secrets to yourself.
Well you can give the credit to Fidget for this...blogger takes so darn long to load, on some blogs you can wait 5 -10 minutes just to leave a comment. This one can be found at haloscan.com, and it has an automatic install for blogspot accounts, which I'm very much into because look around, do I look very computer savvy to you? I didn't think so. Notice no computer skills listed above. But I added this just to lower everyone's blood pressure a little. Now maybe Fidget won't call me so many names 
Dear Jamie,
You should become a grad student. Benefits include health and dental coverage, and awesome discounts on beer. Although certainly not high paying, you make your own hours, can show up drunk,leave when you're bored, have after hour parties that include things like "Wine and Cheezes, minus the cheeze" and "Iron chef competions", and best of all, no one's going to fire you, so you have the best job security in the world. If you really want to, you could even be a grad student for the rest of your life. Amen.
Anna
If you're willing to give a little on the 'no customers' rule, prositution will fulfil most if not all of your needs and talents.
I'm coming up empty with either suggestions or witty retorts. Great list!!!
Yeah, the grad student idea is good, for all the reasons listed above. Although, it is the opposite of glamorous and it pays for shit. Maybe you should be the most glamorous gravedigger, ever (and of course hire out someone to actually do the *digging* part.)
"preferred but not necessary, the opportunity to tongue-kiss Angelina Jolie"
Heh, that's on my must-have list. I lust her!
Too bad about the no driving bit, I always thought being a Fantasia Party consultant would be a blast. You make your own hours and you get a chance to win goodies and you talk about sex all day. Mmm... ^_^
Jay - If you do find a job that fits that criteria, please let us all know. And I can tell you from experience - cubes suck, sitting in an office all day sucks, being at the office until 6 p.m. sucks.
One idea - what about something with the internet or a website company or e-bay? I know a woman who makes money on e-bay selling baking tips or something like that. You never know what people are willing to buy.
Good luck.
Jay, you obviously need to be a stand in double for Paris Hilton. Duh. She is most likely exhausted from her busy life and would welcome a little respite from it now and then. You offer your services on a retainer basis at an obscenely inflated rate, paid in advance for certain, and count on her to just be herself and forget she hired you. You'll be on the payroll and how much better could life get?
Hmm, well that is the best suggestion yet, although to double for Paris, I am neither tall enough nor skinny enough, and not dumb enough by a mile (hopefully).
And grad student is definitely not a possibility for me: I have had enough of student life, I want a real job with a real paycheque.
haha good luck!
Writer: erotic fiction, or fact - a detail you could keep to yourself. 5% of your day at a computer = 1.2 hours (72 minutes). I reckon you'd capable of that.
Discuss it with Mr "you don't contribute".
I think I've also managed to add a blogroll today, so if you want on, or off, or whatever, just let me know. I am quite computer illiterate, I pasted in the code in like 4 random places in the template before I found one that worked. Hopefully I didn't just waste an hour of my day Cheers.
To the girl "who knows what she wants",
You have pretty much ruled out every job on the planet, and I'm concerned now because, as mentioned above, prostitute seems to fit too well. I think you should get some start-up cash from an Angel investor and rent some office space. When people ask what you "actually" do, just mumble something like Import/Export and mention that they're probably too dumb to understand anyways. Then follow up with something like "I have to go, I have a 2 o'clock with a bottle of Gin"
-Jason
I'm with both Anna and Dave. Professional grad student provides LOTS of perks. Don't ask me to explain any of them to me because, as a grad student myself I'm too busy job-hunting too ... jk
I think instead of prostitution you should be an "escort," which we all know from television is WAAAY different. Don't think of them as "customers," think of them as a "good night on the town." Right? It's all about spinning that silver lining... 
Might I suggest going to university? Yes, I might. I wanted a "career" change, so rather than jump into another soul-numbing, horribly depressing time-filling office job, I enrolled at the local U. It's a fun way to spend time, while trying to find out what to do with the remaining 60ish years left in me.
Oh! Thanks for the ol' link on the sidebar. Muchas gracias.
I'll take a shout out on the blogroll if you're giving them away for free. I'm attention starved and a fame whore.
Why don't you consider writing a recipe book, maybe on cake decorating - seeing that you're good at writing, and make beautiful cakes. Well, it doesn't just have to be cakes. Anything really.
But give it a bit of a twist. You know, not your typical recipe book. A recipe book with a story line or something, insert the odd condom unrolling techniques, "stencil" art... I dunno, I'm just blabbering, you're the creative one.
Then you can self-publish and self-market your book. Maybe first as an e-book, the capital for that is not much, and if it goes well, do it in print.
It's just an idea. For a start, you have all of us to hoe into as your first customers.
Blogroll? I wouldn't mind. Won't say no to free publicity :P
Cheers
Hmmmm, looks like no job for you..
or a writer, no writer sounds good!!!!
write a book about the life of an unemployed married woman who dosent have a job, in Canada!!!!!
I come up with the best ideas!
Jay - OMG thank you! I would kiss you feet if they weren't so far away and feet like. Haloscan! AHHHHHHHHH! I think you need to hook up with a local catering company and leech all their cake business.. ie start as an employee, find all teh med hook ups, start your own cake/catering business and take all their clients with you. Then just hire a menu consultant to speak to the customers so you don't have to - all of this and the lipgloss is optional. Now the condom thing doesn't work in unless you do a batchelor party and plan to jump out of said cake! Jay you are a rockstar!
Entertainging post, as always. Esp. like the pj requirement.
Dave and Ida, you're both already there, I don't know if it's showing up yet, and also, I think I took a little creative license when I named some of them
You can help me build my maze. Then we could both sit back and watch the hundreds of people pay us to get lost within its confines. And then we could sit further back and watch the lost individuals' families pay us the big money to send in our very own Search and Rescue teams.
And the bodies that get eaten by the dingoes we could charge a burial fee for.
It's a win-win-win situation.
The dingo ate my baby!
Man, this one time, like when I was maybe 12, my sister had this penchant for always picking the dumbest movie ever (now my hubby holds this title; lucky me). And she wouldn't even go to Blockbuster, she would rent from the library...so of course she comes home with this really bad Aussie movie, barely a notch above a home movie, only with less of a budget and way less convincing acting....The dingo ate my baby!
Maze eh? I got a little lost in one myself at the Science Centre in Toronto...I could be the spokesmodel or something.
Jason has such a way with words. Mr. Tact.
Hope
If Jay gets a job.......she won't be posting as often......I won't have anything to read at work.......I will have to work......see where I'm going? Your selfishness is going to cause both of us to have to do stuff. You think about that when you're entertaining thoughts of 'harmless' job hunting!
ps am thinking about stealing this haloscan idea thingy from you :D
Personal Stewardess on Former President Clinton's Private Jet. Try that against each of your descriptions, it works.
jamie, after reading through these wonderful tips and words of wisdom, i feel that there is only one job left for you. and i think it fits most of your outlined criteria.
ready for this life altering suggestion?
resort evaluator!
you will be paid oodles of money to travel around the most exotic parts of the globe to examine the quality of each resort. make sure you list your standards as four star and above, nothing but all inclusive will be accepted, and you will need a slew of assistants to write down your dictations of the evaluations. you will be too drunk from the free booze to actually do any of the writing yourself, so the assistants will decipher and write out whatever you deem worthy of reporting - perhaps the high number of tanned muscular men?
in this position you will also have as much, or as little, time for your blog - so as not to disappoint your fans.
enjoy your tropical lifesyle, my friend, and don't forget to invite me along once or twice a year. i
[it cut me off - it seems the characters are limited to 1000.]
enjoy your tropical lifestyle, my friend, and don't forget to invite me along once or twice a year. i can always use an updated tan.
best o' luck!
Sounds like you need to go to assasin school!
The only thing I can think of for those skills is to set up a web cam. You must have a very interesting resume!
That is hilarious Jay! Maybe you should reconsider bearing children? And what's with the "opportunity to tongue-kiss Angelina Jolie" thing? Is there something you're not telling us???
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