Talk to the Goat
Dear random twelve-year olds that I met on an HL2 server: I'm sorry that despite me being more than twice your age, I managed to obliterate you again and again despite you using cheats and me not. No, I'm not a bot.
Dear grade twelve girls I saw on the SkyTrain the other night: Yes, it's okay that you're checking me out. Yes, it's even okay for you to flick your eyes away when you think I'm watching. However, when I stand up to get off at my stop, and you try to make your friend laugh by pretending to grab my ass, don't freak out on ME when the train lurches and you actually DO grab my ass. Wasn't me that put your hand there.
Hey Jay, this is cathartic!
Jay, you look FABULOUS in that photo! Funny letters... I couldn't stop laughing at the winter one... "Dear winter: F*** off" lol!
My hair just made the change from brown to red with strange colored highlights! Winter has turned into tornado season here, not that we had much winter. A frost or two and several sleet showers were about it. Great pic!
You are fucking hot. Didn't realize that.
I dye my hair once a month. I'm sure if a strong wind came by I'd be bald with the amount of noxious chemicals I wash it in.
In fact, there go a couple thousand hairs right now. Stupid fan!
Aww, poor Jason. my man takes delight in beating me at everything. Often games that I have taught him how to play. Jason, if it makes you feel better, you could probably beat me at darts!
Note to Self- buy a dart board and some arras.
Dear Jay,
I think I was the stupid stranger on the street. I wanted to go to the mall, but ended up in the red light district, and though that may sound fun, my pimp just told me I have to turn 2500 more tricks before I can go home. Thanks a lot.
I have just gone blue-black again. I am Punk-Rock Mommie once more!. What can I say, I'm feeling dark.
At first I was a little worried what the other squares, ooops, I mean Moms would think. But then at the spring program at school, where I stuck out like a burnout at a debutante ball (effin' suburbanites!), my son set me at ease.
He stood there on the stage, shaggy surfer-hair hanging down in his little eyes, he alone unique among all the crew cuts and bowl cuts. I saw him lean over to his sweater-clad buddy, stretch his arm out toward the audience say with pride in his eyes "There's my Mommy! There's my Mommy!"
"Where, where??" the Young Republican inquired, craning his neck to see around the kid in front of him.
"Right there," said MY boy, "the one with the cool black hair." It made my day. I'm "cool" now. I'll never make him take out his fake lip-ring for school again.
Dear Supervisor that just gave me my review, I don't know how to respond to the statement, "Before I walked into the room, I didn't know who you were. I always thought you were some kid in the hallways who liked to dress up a lot!" Ok, that's cool...I'll just wear jeans to work from now on and see if you notice that! But thanks for thinking I'm young enough to be sixteen when I turned 28 last week. You're a doll!
It must suck to be the best at everything. Nevermind, I have the same... I wouldn't call it a problem. Being conceited is fun!
I feel sorry for your hair, maybe a nice GM Envoy, home theatre system or something out of every time you fry it...
As for strangers... screw em. They'll never get a chance to fight back.
I very much ditto what Charlie Williams said.
*****
And following Rimmy...
Dear Woman Who Gave Me A Parking Ticket Earlier,
I am a reasonable person. I know you were just doing your job. You were probably spooked that I didn't blare and swear and throw foul threats at you. Instead, I smiled and asked "So, how much?". You, on the other hand, scuttled away - not daring to look back as you squeaked at the floor "Sixty pounds". Heh, I forgive you. And in return, I hope you will forgive me for thinking "You nasty low-down piece of diseased toilet scum - what way is this to make a living?". I apologise for thinking that.
Shane
ps/ I changed my mind. Bitch!
*****
Indeed Jay, cathartic. Now how much do I owe you?
I am cracking up at that Dubya quote. But also sort of throwing up in my mouth a little bit. The Shrub, a "wise" "man??" Egads!
You are indeed very good at darts.
The saying is from Des Moines. And it goes like this:
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, then you are awesome. Fool me three times, and I will blow up your testicles with this here bottle rocket. "
I love local wisdom.
i haven't dyed my hair in over two years, my hair is very happy...little does it know I'm getting old and eventually will be dying it ever three weeks to banish the grays. poor hair.
Dear Jay, You should become a hair dresser. That way you would get paid to turn other peoples heads awesome colors. You would also have a reason to brandish sharp objects and claim that you cut someone simply because they were fidgeting, not intentionally (bat bat the eyes)
As many coffees as I have bought from Timmy's, I too have never won a single thing.
I wanna see a pic of the new hair! I dye my hair many many colours as well, but having natural almost black hair, if I go too light, it looks really dumb. Went blonde once, big mistake. So I stick with bleaching the underside of my hair ; )
a ahahahahahahah. sweet post, J. nice george bush reset. and your man getting beat at darts- that's gotta cause the tail to go into a semi-permanent tuck between the legs. seems a secure enough chap to handle the drubbing though.
as far as wacky promotions go- here in the western USof-fukinA, les schwab tires gives out 'free beef' with tire purchases every year. we're talking big frozen pacs o beef. lotsa raw materials for burgers, meatloaf, or whatever else your carniverous little heart desires.
'wheres the beef?!'
if
wise = dumb
then
that quote was from a very, very, wise man.
You are gorgeous as a blonde or a brunette. I personally like the brunette on you. Gives that air of mystery....
The picture is adorable!
I think someone once told me that changing your hair color often- means you are dissatisfied with your breast size. Maybe I made that up. I love changing my hair color only...I always seem to do it while drinking (or already drunk). Green is NOT my color!
Tim Hortons: my husband has talked about it from time to time. I assumed he was a personal friend, now I know!
Dear Jay, with all of those beautiful apologies, I'm sure they all forgive you. Love the post!
-jw
Thanks for giving me my laugh of the day. God, did I need it.
And btw, the hair looks faboo in that photo. 
Rrrrollll up the Rim? Rim has a certain connotation here. This promotion doesn't seem nice like that. Hence, "up the rim," huh?
Changing hair color again? It's the artist in you welcoming Spring. Which will be here in three or four weeks, I think.
Hah. I'm hoping so Woody, believe me.
I do actually tend to change colours with the seasons - I didn't notice it for the longest time, but I was doing an album of Christmas pictures and I realized that I go for richer tones during winter - reds, oranges, blues, blacks - and lighter tones in the summer - blondes, pinks, and then, all sorts of funny colours in between!
pinkme: i love that saying about the breast size. I'd never heard it before, which is weird considering I have coloured so very often. Of course, I also love my boobies to death, but it's still funny.
You are beyond funny, like funny+++.
great photo of you in the snow. Did Jason take it before or after you beat him at darts?
Lady in R3D ~~8^)
ooooh, you're a dart-girl, too?
V. cool!
And I really like your apologies-idea....it's quite funny! There's so many people, businesses, etc. that I need to address some of my own to. Like:
Dear Match.com Boys,
Sorry I'm such a slag-off when it comes to responding to your pitiful emails. It might be because they've all blurred into approximately the same damn email, but it's not your fault that your writing's dull, and you all sound the same. I'll try to be nicer. I'll start next week.
BBFK
You shure do have purdy lips! Fab pic!
A Daiquir-fest, with rye& coke, and martinis, and tequila shots...is needed every now and then, right?
Love your moments!
*SHOOPERS*
You look beautiful!
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