Talk to the Goat
you want us men to pick up dirty laundry? = answer is basketball hoop on the washing basket.
Jay, that was hysterical! You sound just like my wife! She too battles the pantyhose, but has the opposite issue from you - she's tall and they don't really make them for tall women either. However, she would never go sans-panties. She's got this phobia about going "commando" under her hose.
You also forgot to mention how much fun it is using the ladies room.
Ok... so women hate 'em.... men hate 'em... why then are they still on the market?
Also, if they call them 'Panty Hose' why is it nearly all women wear panties, with their panty hose?
To me that would be like wearing a jockstrap, under my 'underwear'...
A funny and completely enjoyable post!!
Odd.... I wrote about tube socks this morning. Thats freaky....
I like Colin Firth. My wife owns Pride and Prejudice so I normally make myself scarce when Mr. Darcy comes on the screen. Once is OK, time #42, I'll go take the car to the car wash.
I has repeated flashbacks while reading your post of when I was in the workforce and had to battle the dreaded panty hose. That's one of the benefits of being a SAHM; it's t-shirts and jeans/sweats 24/7!
And don't even try to imagine trying to wear pantyhose when you're overweight. That just brings on a whole new level of suck.
Yeah, Jay I gotta agree with you on all the pantyhose points you made there *nods head in complete agreement* LOL
And don't forget to take 'em off when in the sack... if Jason is too eager they'll make your toes curl...
Stockings. Yeah, stockings... with those little decorations at the top and nothing else... nice 
Have *wicked* weekend Jay :D
The wise Ms.Q (acatnamedpi.blogspot.com) said, "I am starting to figure out that what the Beatles said applies to blog love: The love you take is equal to the love you make."
So, I wanted to stop by today and just say "Hi" because I enjoy your blog, but don't stop often enough and leave a comment. Also, I wanted to invite you to contribute to my "Bloggers Summer Photo Album." Read more about it at mooalex.blogspot.com. I hope you'll want to share your summer fun with the Moo!
(Yes, this is a "form comment," but I mean every word! I swear!)
(Would you hate pantyhose if Colin Firth was wearing them, and only them?)
You have made my shitty week at work all better, thank you thank you thank you,
Oh yes Jay, I agree with you about sexy Colin, he's nice eye candy, no? I loved him in The Importance of Being Ernest".
Pantyhose. Bleh! I had to live in those suckers for many years at work, but where I work now we don't have to, we are allowed to go bare legged, thankfully. I haven't had a pair of those mind-boggling, temper-raising mood-darkening contraptions on my body for 7 years now! Like you, I am "vertically challenged", and I don't care what they say, they DO NOT make them properly for us short women ~ especially if one is chubby, like me. You talk about who should be shot ~ the inventor of pantyhose should be tied to a post and executed, IMO! I am old enough to have worn nylon stockings and garters just before pantyhose became a woman's nightmare, and I can tell you stockings and garters are not only easier to wear, to get on and take off, and more forgiving (ie: get a run in one leg, peel the nylon off and put another one on, easy as pie), but they are also much sexier to look at than this: the complete lower half of one's body stuffed into something see-through, making one look like an over stuffed sausage! Yech! Who wants to look at THAT? Moreover, who the hell wants to WEAR them? Not me, I tell ya! 
Great post Jay, thanks for the memories!
Jay, two words: Gar. Ters.
They make life much easier.
And yes, he's a total cutie.
Firth is awesome! The two movies I enjoy him the most are: What a Girl Wants (hey, I have a teenager...and its actually a really cute movie and he does such a great job playing the lovesick ex) and the BBC miniseries of Pride and Prejudice...quite possibly one of the greatest miniseries ever made in any genre at any time. Absol-frickin-lutely wonderful! And the woman who plays Elizabeth Bennett has the most gorgeous eyes...she practically glows.
what a sincerely amazing post. i read this backward, of course. starting with colin firth. i would tie him up with pantyhose and have my way with him. mmmmmmm.
In Australia we have NITL charts... Translated as "Not in this Lifetime"...
Becuase no matter how close you think you are to the sizes they are telling you to buy... the hose are always too bloody small...
And yes.. total props for the CF pictures...
Drooling darling... totally drooling... I know who I'll be dreaming about tonight... and for the 1st time this week it won't be Mr Africa... Cheers!
An excellent post all around. I agree with it 100%. One of the reasons I am happy to live in AZ? Even dressed up we are more casual than most = no pantyhose! Whoo hoo! (Except when I have to go to a wedding. Phhbbt!)
Freaking hilarious! I love the part about the phosphates and the soup and the new universe forming. However, i guess I am dowdy, b/c my momma taught me to wear them with underwear. It's double-teaming, I know, but it's the way I roll.
This was a great post! You have said what women everywhere are thinking! Revolt! Revolt! You can be our leader Jay!
Um, Jay?
You slay me with your wit and humour.
I am now officially an adoring fan who loves you and your blog. More than I love spaghettios, which was no contest, really, but it's true.
And I would most likely hump your leg in an airport, yes.
LMAO!!! Thanks for the laughs! Your pantyhose essay is award winning! And so very much the truth. As a woman with a 33 and a half inch inseam, try finding panty hose that actually are long enough in the legs. And forcing it, only causes runs that much quicker. (Not forcng it leaves you with a saggy crotch.)
As wasteful as it is, I wear pantyhose ONCE. And toss them in the garbage regardless of their condition. They are hateful things, deserving of a quick death. LOVED this essay girlfriend.
And agree with you on the darling Colin Firth as well. 
As always, your friday fuckfest brightens my fridays!
Thanks,
3T
amen, sister. i have been holding a personal boycott against nylon for years now. won't you join me?
(i have heard mixed reviews regarding the new-fangled "spray on" nylons.)
patresa
right with you about the tights (aka pantyhose) there. i gave up on those about 13 years ago.
i wore a pair of tights that were too small once (being the fat girl that i am) and wore this kind of laura ashley type dress (ick! i wore that?!).
i felt the tights begin to roll down my stomach as i ran for the tube train and as i got on, put my finger under the roll (on top of my dress....am i explaining this very well?) to try and stop it rolling further.
to stop the other side rolling down i just got on the train a bit wonky, in a bit of a "silly walk".
damn. no seats, I'd have to stand and wobble all over the place like this all the way to oxford circus. until someone stood up, obviously thinking i was pregnant.
i didn't want to embarrass her by saying, "it's okay, i'm not pregnant, i'm just fat and trying to hold my tights up" and took the seat.
i think the woman sitting opposite knew something because she glared at me all the way.
to hell with tights!
Amen to every single word about pantyhose! Very funny stuff yet sadly true.
Have a great weekend!
Lois Lane
God, reading that made me happy that I am a man. Socks are so much easier.
Pantyhose? Never. If for no other reason then they make your legs a shade not found in nature.
did you have a survey on fuckable guys, cuz i must have missed it! but i would have picked him over bill nye. did you see colin in what a girl wants, the scene where he is in those leather pants!!!!OMG!!!!!!!
i better keep a closer eye for any more quizzes! i can't even comment on pantyhose, my mind is now mush cuz of colin.
loave Mr. Firth... Loave....
great picture of him by the way.
and pantyhose?... Gah.
love you, mean it.
Mr. Firth... oh, he's a fine one indeed. Kind of understated; very sexy.
To me, the worst part of 'hose is peeing. Once you go through the trauma (as you mentioned) of getting them on, you will invariably have to pee. Numerous times, even if you drink absolutely nothing for 4 days prior. Isn't it a joy to try to get them on again with your ass in a sink, leaning up against a paper towel dispenser?
4 words...
Don't wear 'em...
EVER!
& he is so quietly, intensely cute!
hmm, my best pantyhose story is being in the change room at a swimming pool in Victoria when a woman who was 87 (she told us, with great glee) came in from the aquatic aerobics class she has been taking for over 30 years, and put on her pantyhose standing up (!), and without a puff or a stagger. I was there with women 20 and 30 who could never have pulled that off and we just staggered out of that change room vowing to sign up for the class that very instant. didn't happen, but what an incentive!
Nice way to rip into the hose, babe.....
*giggle*
Pantyhose? I don't wear them. I spend winter in trousers and jeans. As for women who wear pantyhose, with reinforced toe AND open toed shoes, should be lined up, ridiculed then shot!
You know, I never did understand the purpose of wearing pantyhose in the first place. It's like the female version of the men's tie. Seriously, does anyone know the real purpose for a tie?
Colin Firth... yumm... Random Girl & I used to argue over him. But I let her have this one coz she gave me Johnny Depp. lol!
I think you have managed to capture the very essence of pantyhose and how women the world over feel about them.....
....and about Colin Firth.
From a man's standpoint... panty hose are a pain to deal with for us too... like trying to get like trying to get your favorite chocolate out of the wrapper when it's a little melted. It helps with chocolate to put it in the fridge for a while, but women get a little insulted when you try to stick them in the fridge.
DB
This Panty post has caught my Imagination..It can be a pain the butt..lol..thats what my friends say..dunt know..watcha think?
I haven't worn a pair of those torture devices in years, had forgotten how horrendous they are!
But as for Colin Firth, well, now I have to go and lie down!
If men were supposed to wear pantyhose, it would have been outlawed by Congress years ago as cruel and unusual punishment.
...that bit about wanting to "rip his clothes off & discover that he doesn't kiss like a nice boy at all."
That gets my vote for Expressed Thought of the Week.
Scrumptious!
...after working for several years in a bank I vowed I would NEVER wear nylons again. EVER.
I've broken that vow in the 8 years since... but my guess would be only twice. I hate them. I truly do. & being petite myself--I've found that if I CAN get a pair that fits properly --at the waist--then it seems this exact pair is destined to have a crotch area that REFUSES to rest where it should & seems to prefer staying several inches BELOW.
...stupid, stupid things.
So... I take it you don't like pantyhose?
Mmm, Bill Nye.. what a sexy brain that man has... Not so much with Colin, however, not my type.
I RARELY wear pantyhose, and if required, find a nice pant to wear instead.
I didn't shave for NOTHING!
If it was a man's world, all tables and counters would not be positioned at groin level.
Why not become one of those smelly hippy girls who don't shave their armpits or shop for makeup? That would be much easier.
Smelly hippy girl? I don't think so. I believe in peace, love, and lots of money.
I agree with PErky. Whats the use of tie? I cant tie a tie and I have hardly ever had one.. I just hate that piece of thing.. I guess panty hose is similar
Now, maybe I just don't get it, what with being male and all, but why not just wear a pair of nylons (knee high, or thigh high, as needed, I guess), instead of bothering with the hell that panty hose create?
lmfao!!!!
if men stopped wearing tights about 2-300 years ago, i think it's time girlies stopped right about now.
omgomgomgomgomg...he so hot
hellllooo mr.darcy
omg i cant get over his hotness
dear god is he ever fuckable
Wow, I never knew there was so much about pantyhoses
You sell Mr Firth well, very well.
Shivers, decides to go and pull out the reindeer jumper from upstairs.
Thank God I get to wear t-shirts and jeans to work. I had forgotten about those wretched things!
I hate pantyhose they arent for the tall either, the crotch always ends up in between my thighs because they are too small, they think if you are tall you are BIG, so maybe the length will fit sometimes, but they are baggy because if your tall your bigger in size, not always true!
and did you ever see in the movies where women point their toe straight out in front of them and put on the stocking realy sexy, look buddy that aint happening in REAL life!!!!
Colin Firth is a cutie
Maybe you can add this to your Questions for Jay queue...
Why are the covers of panyhose packages so pornographic? I mean, if I'm shopping for pantyhose (indeed, it's a rare occassion when I do) why am I subjected to seeing images of woman bent over like they're ready to do it doggy style?
What a mad, mad world.
i don't know why, but after reading your post, i conjured up an image of colin firth in pantyhose robbing a bank.
so somebody shoot me.
Ah Jamie...
The joys of being a woman.
I'm glad I don't have to wear those. They were going to make me wear some for a school play once, but I refused. I don't think they would have fit anyway.
I'll also never understand the system by which they size these things. I think that if you actually understand the system you disappear of the face of the earth, due to the fact that you KNOW TOO MUCH.
AH well.
I'm glad your'e still here.
J
uhhh...we are playing "damn the pantyhose"??? thank god there are others like me who totally despise pantyhose.
but can`t live without them, can we.
not unless i never want to wear a skirt to work.
sigh.
to think that they look so harmless.
I find it utterly impossible to ever wear a pair of stockings more than once without getting a runner or hole in them It vexes me to no end. No matter if I pay $25 or $5 for a pair within an hour they are ruined, even when I am being careful and not crawling through the brambles on my hands and knees.
Oh, Colin Firth.
My love for him knows no bounds. Although I have an obsession with articulate British men (starting with childhood fave Robin Hood the fox, continuing up until the divine Martin Freeman from The Office), Colin Firth remains my number one pick. The pinnacle, if you will, to which my other ABM crushes aspire.
i so love Mark Darcy.
Ding dong.
Absolutely fab post. I deplore pantyhose as much as bras, but I don't bounce if I ditch the hose.
Wonderful!
I hate hose .. I refuse to wear them .. I would rather .. shave my legs, lotion them down for three hours to make them look shiny and then paint my toes myself before wearing hose ..and for me .. that's A LOT of work.
he he he.
thanks for the laugh, that was hilarious and true...dropped in from Danielle's blog, howdy!
I quit purchasing and wearing nylons (any kind thereof except, occasionally, knee-highs) five years ago. Since then, I've been wearing pants and socks in winter, skirts and bare legs in summer. I've been happy ever since.
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