Talk to the Goat
This post is part of a series called Ask Jamie Anything, where other questions covered or to be covered, include: the age at which sexual relations become disgusting, what to do with a temperamental lawn, and why on earth I chose to take that damn blue pill. If you should have any pressing questions, feel free to send them to me at my email address, found in the profile.
Stunning and compelling post Jay...
Aren't people weird? My brother isn't talking to me and hasn't done for 4 months...
It blows.
Great post. You are resillient. Hats off to you. A little fly on our wall would spontaneously burst into flames, but we're both still here. 
I have just started to read you and I love your blog. You are a great writer.
That's awesome, Jamie.
It would be interesting to see you standing beside your family, and to see how even more incredible you probably are in terms of relativity. (Because absolutely, you know that you are pretty amazing).
Families can be very interesting. The politics, the fights, the developmental differences that set up the relationships for the lifetime to come.....
I'll always admire you for being able to write about your thoughts here in such a candid manner (mind you, it IS your journal of sorts, so being candid probably comes easily). But still, I'm sure some people use your words like a comfortable, warm blanket to wrap around themselves. Something about your words can make it easier to understand problems.
I've often been told how different from my family I am.
I usually laugh and say that I'm not different from them.
They are different from me.
Still here. Still standing. Ain't nobody gonna knock me down.
Wow, can I relate to this. I've always felt that my younger sister and my older brother were in this secret club, headed by my mom, that I was never to be a part of. Still today. And you're right - my friends are my family, too. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
What happened to the log book and that poem? It sounds like an intriguing piece of family history.
Every day is a whole universe sometimes. Not much we can do on those days except breathe and think. And if you're a dog, goosing someone really hard with your nose will always put things into the right perspective.
Cal
My God. I think our families were carved out of the same piece of stone or something. I've never been dependent on my family, either, and really it's to anyone. I know I make up a whole complete person all by myself, and I like my own company. But part of it may just be that, with all these years of practice, I'm damn good now at being on my own. And I'm happy about it.
Jay, you're right; you are fabulous. While our family experiences are not the same, I can see yours so clearly because you write it so well---not making it sound as tragic as I interpret it to be, but as dignified as it has become in your living and understanding it. I feel so shallow in comparison.
Cal, your insights are astonishing.
Fish, I have them. You wouldn't believe half of their content.
Queen, I totally relate to the alone thing. I am my favourite company.
Laurel, you put it very well. Sad that so many people are misplaced in their own families!
I loved this quote - "I refuse to repress feelings for fear of the response they'll illicit." It is perfect and mature and wonderful. My mother is a pushy Southern broad that speaks sweetly but has her ears and her heart bruised if you go against her wishes and if you tell her that she's hurt your feelings or let her know what you really think. And in the past year I have refused to let her hurt my feelings about my weight and other things. I just told her that she doesn't have that responsibility to monitor me as I am a grown woman. We have come to an unhealthy (but healthy for us) agreement to, even if she asks, do not tell her everything. Make sense? She's nosey, but she really doesn't want to know the truth a lot of the time. I used to hide my true feelings under the Southern Charm veneer. Not anymore. Now I just say, "Momma, You do not want to know the truth." But if she keeps pushing, I will tell her, even if it hurts her feelings. Wonderful post Jay, I love your journal.
thanks sd...what journal would be complete without some obligatory family melodrama? of course, obviously i play my part in all of this. it's the dynamics of some very dis-similar people all living together under one roof that seems like a cruel joke. but whatever. rise above.
i bet you'd like my paper journal even more - the cover has a big green monster with a pierced bellybutton and a jewel that hangs out of it. i rather like him.
and lorna, you have so much wisdom in you that i should wash your mouth out with soap for saying the word shallow.
One of the most shocking things about growing up is exactly what you write - realizing your family is infallible.
Every thank you received here is another award for your writing. I hope that helps.
it's lovely really, and for once these awards don't come with shiny gold men on top! the drawback of writing kudos is that an essay bearing the name of jamie is always assumed to be from a male writer, and so every trophy has a man on top. phooey.
you've got me on my knees?
my what a fun girl you are these days...
ok, question, when one's wife comes home cover in brusing & smells of cheap mens after shave often after spending three to four days a week on the road, should I as a loving husband be concerned?
JQP
I can relate to being an outsider. I have one brother and sister, and they always did things together, while I was the odd one out. Go to an amusement park, well rides seat only two, so they sat together in on car, me in the other. The result is that while I love my family, I too am not particularly close. I visit my parents a couple times a month, even though they live only a few miles from my home. I'm more concerned about my wife and kids and less so about the rest of my family. While that is as it should be, in reality, as long as I have the wife and kids, I don't really need the rest of them. It's great to have them around, but I don't need them.
Luckily you aren't your own island...
Despite the riffs in your mother-daughter relationship you seem to have developped a fairly strong granddaughter-grandmother relationship. For that you should totally feel Privileged. [capital pee intentional.]
You ARE fabulous. Awesome essay.
Sorry to hear that you are an Outsider in your own family, but at least you are doing fabulous and have a network of friends that are so great. Sometimes I wonder why we obsess about relationships with people we are supposed to adore just because we share similar genes. Why should I feel the need to be close to my cousins, because of our shared ancestors when as people we have nothing in common. I have always been rather suspicious of the forced family bonding, but perhaps that is because I too am an Outsider.
Those who have grown to depend on their family are lucky. Family is thicker than blood, but I identify more with yours, Jay. I find refuge with my friends during the darkest times of my life. An awesome and honest post.
Topnotch post. Bittersweet. I wish I could scoop little Jamie up, set her on my lap, read her a story and rock her to happy dreamland.
I'm glad you and Jason have each other. Friends really are the best. We get to choose them and not just be born in.
Lois Lane
What an amazing and open post. I can empathise with certain events you've written about here but the one thing I am eternally grateful for is the support I received (and still do) from my Mum. I honestly don't think I could have coped without that and bow down to you for being able to, how strong you must be...even if you don't always feel like it.
This post is chock full of eye opening insight Jay. I have thought for a very long time that your wisdom far outweighed your years. (Is that the psychology major coming into play some?)
I would love to try and make my own mantra your quote here, "I refuse to repress feelings for fear of the resonse they'll illicit." (I need to tape this on my bathroom mirror.)
Thank you so much for your encouraging words as well. You Jay truly are one in a million. (I'm not as articulate as you are, I'm just trying to convey how much I treasure each and everyone of your posts.) As well as who you are.
3T
The sixth sense is at it again..nice post!
You truly are an awesome human being Jay.
wow, you wrote so much in there, i don't even know where to begin. i'm the middle child, i kind of felt like that when i grew up too, for the longest time i had basically no relationship with my mom. i'm in my 40's now, things have improved immensely. i have a 20 year old daughter that i clash with all of the time, i went through some really rough periods, some days still not over them. i long for a daughter that i can be close to, but she makes me feel like she doesn't want to be close to me. she says i smother her, i guess maybe it has to do with how i felt growing up, not having enough of my mom around. i have gf's with grown daughters that are so close, i'm envious. i know i'll never be as close to this daughter as i would like to be, i feel like now i'm just putting in time waiting until she has kids, maybe i can be a close grandmother to them, cuz i grew up without a grandmother as well. hope it's ok to post this type of comment here.
coming from the typical Asian family where family bonding is more compulsory than school, and being the baby of the family (the youngest child and grandchild - oh yes i'm spoilt) i could not possibly relate to this post. yet your words still struck me with emotion. perhaps because your words raised memories of me feeling like an outsider in other ways, such as growing up in a Western country as a Muslim. whatever it is, the mark of a great writer is to be able to move even those who have not experienced what you write about, and make them feel a connection.
Hi Jamie, I related very well to this one. My conversations with family take place once every few years (in some cases never). Like you, my new family (my wife, inlaws, friends) have become my world and I wouldn't trade them for anything!
indeed, you ARE fabulous.
so clever to have a family log...such a shame that an opportunity to really use it in a profound way was passed up.
well, i guess it still had a profound effect...just not in the desired way.
patresa
refreshingly frank, jay. i feel the same as you about painting a realistic picture of the past.
i think what strikes me about what you've shared is the importance of the first child.
i have two boys, and we don't expect to have any more. they are 5 and 2.
i can already see how my oldest is expected to be more mature and responsible. it's like i can see it as plain as day, but i can't equalize them.
i keep thinking that it will change when the youngest grows older -- talks better, can wipe his own ass, knows what you're saying when you tell him to get the remote control for you -- but i'm so afraid that it never will.
my youngest wanted me to throw him up in the air. my oldest then asked me to do it for him, too. but he's too big. i threw him up once just to be fair, but he's just too heavy! how can you control that?
i don't know. personally, i was an only child, so i was the oldest and the youngest. in that way, all the responsibility fell on me, but then again i didn't have to worry about a bunch of sisters overruling my dining decisions.
anyway ... thanks for giving me something to think about. that's why i link people to you.
e+
Wow. I really feel your emotions in that. OGO has had a similar, though not the same, experience. She is the outsider, too. Thanks for your comments on my post. I'll be back!
It's hard to walk that line as a parent once you have more than one child. And your mom was certainly bringing them on quickly. Still, it sounds like she backed off way too much with you. I can't understand, though, why that should still be the case. It all sounds very strange, and very hurtful.
Still, thank you for reminding me that I need to work to establish a good and close relationship with my daughters, even at their young ages. It's not just handed to you because you are raising them. That's worth remembering.
an amazing post, jay.
it is hard when families either grow or break apart.
i can`t comment on this, since i myself am blessed with a happy family.
but i`m darn happy you have your jason.
BSTS - I thank you for sharing.
Eric - of course there are strains in being the oldest, but I think that's true of whatever position you're born into. The thing about parenting is that you can never be "fair": you can't do the exact same thing with each kid. But the point isn't to be fair, but to be equal. If you do something with the youngest that can't be done with the oldest, than you have to find something else that you can do only with him. That's a challenge, isn't it? But I think it's roughly the same in having a good marriage - you won't both get the exact same thing, but as long as it tallies up roughly equally, then it's all good.
wow. you speak such truths.
I can't write about my family in my blog, as they all read it and if i did, if i was truly honest and spoke my mind instead of bottling it up, they would never speak to me again.
Instead i have found *my* family in David. with him, i can be honest, and i get honesty back. Not a distilled version of how people expect you to be, or how you are supposed to act. It is real. It is honest. And it is SUCH a relief.
thank you for this wonderful post.
yeah, my pal becky was right ... you do write wonderfully ... and i can relate to parts of this ... i really can ...
Your words struck a cord with me. I have some similar experiences. I'm glad you wrote this. It's good to stop and think of how our words affect others. How are actions impact those around us.
I also like the idea of the log book. Maybe something could be shared easier when it's written down. I might have to employ that with my daughter. She is getting to an age where I'm afraid I will lose that close connection we have. Maybe this could keep tht from happening.
Powerful. You can't pick the family you're born with and you can't go back in time. I'm glad you found a man and friends to be close with -- because we all need that.
Jay, you are right as always -- you ARE fabulous. And I think those of us who were lonely within the family often find friends who then become family. I know I did.
You have younger sisters? When were you going to introduce them to me?
Oh, I get it. Don't need to draw this ol' boy a picture.
I wondered what I would write if I were to ever answer that question. Hmmm... Maybe we'll both find out someday.
A couple of months ago a blogging friend entreated me to write about happy childhood memories. Although, I do have some, I didn't have much of a childhood, if any... so I felt I'd be pasting on a smile of blog deceit to post such, so I haven't.
I wasn't always the Outsider, or so I thought...so there is the gargantuan impact of shock and betrayal couple with other *stuff* I'm omitting here.
You foreshadowed this post with a wise comment you made on my blog about choosing friends as family. Yes, I have done that. I embrace and cherish my friends before my husband and daughters entered my world.
Poignant and sage post. Ever since landing on your blog several months back, you sounded more mature (by experience and wisdom) than your chronological age. I'm glad you have a relationship with your family. Mine are toxic so there is none anymore. But I'm fine with that, in fact, better. Trying to fix the relationships takes more than me.
Cheers to you!
-Another Outsider who is Inside Life
This post really does haunt me. What you have to say, and how well written it is Jay.
OK, I am computer illiterate. I have hunted for your email and not found it. Could you send me your email? (I promise to NEVER send you useless forwards!)
3T
this post touched a familar and still smarting nerve. MY mother never understood the core of who I am. She has only recently begun to accept it. I was always the odd man out. My mother had another life after me, i was along for the ride. She missed out on my babyhood and subsequently sunk every second into my younger half brother and sister, somehow still hanging me out to dry.
loved your writing as ever - totally sucked into the words - like your in the room telling the story
I think that for good or bad we are a result of all the little steps we have taken throughout our lives. One step taken otherwise would have taken us in a different direction... and we may not be the people we are today.
DB
Love your blog. Dealing with family is much harder than dealing with friends. It's the bonds of blood that cause the hardship. We all believe that blood is thicker than water and strive for that to be true. I have brothers and sisters some I see reguarly the others I hardly ever see. The bonds formed in friendship can be just as and somethimes more rewarding as the bonds of family.
Jay, I just voted on your sexy loin poll and it is so funny because almost all of those women are on Mr. Slade's "list"...you know the list of celebrities that you are aloud to fuck if they came knocking on your door...funny
...stopping a few paragraphs in to say the "Mom" thing reminds me of the part in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" where Jim Carey's character is under the table as an adult but also a little boy & he's talking about how strange it is that the urge/need/desire for her (Mom) to pick him up is so strong...
I don't know that we ever (at least *I* haven't yet lose that little voice that occasionally cries "I want my MOMMY!!"
Ok... going on to read more...
I stumbled across this quote somewhere & I've since printed it out & taped it to my monitor as a constant reminder (or rather to poke me in the brain.. or something)
"Be who you are and say how you feel because those who mind don't matter & those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss
(unfortunately those who matter sometimes DO mind--'specially when you're young & trying to figure this stuff OUT. Trying to remind myself often that those who matter SHOULDN'T mind... or something like that )
I grew up in a family where it was NOT ok to express "REAL" stuff as well. Unfortunately I married a man who grew up in a similar family... In having found that place within yourself where you CAN DO THAT? OMG--you are light years beyond me! I still have trouble admitting to MYSELF that I feel something
*purses lips & squints eyes* NOT "GOOD"
...I applaud you for that alone--it's HUGE. & you ARE fabulous.
Hey,
Really, really great post. I guess everyone has this abstract view on families should be like...but it's really just a pastiche of images that you 'think' are perfect. I have a brother who is really old and then there's just me...and sometimes I just feel so alone...I guess having siblings doesn't guarantee understanding...blood isn't always so thick
love,
elisa
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