Talk to the Goat
Wow. I'm speechless at the incredible difficulty of your friend's situation. I hope the coming months allow her to heal. She is lucky to have you.
She'll remember the love. Don't worry.
You, my dear, are a good friend. She is lucky and blessed. I send her healing energies and lots of good vibes, that she be able to heal soon. I send you the same too, because I know how it sears the skin to know something like this has happened to one you love. Big hugs, Jay... big hugs.
How can people like him live with themselves?
I don't know your friend but I'm wishing I could see this guy when i'm out on a driving lesson and have a tragic loss of control over my vehicle...
I know how she's feeling though - similar circumstances and all... I just wish I'd had someone like you around at the time. she'll move on eventually - but I honestly think seeing him lying in a pile of blood would do wonders for a sense of closure...
It's always soo hard to know what to say to people. I've been on the receiving end of a "walk-away" myself, so I can empathize with your friend. After an experience like that it's also very difficult to trust again. She's lucky she has a friend like you to help her through it.
I was in a very similar situation. Very. It took some strength, but I walked down the street and into the clinic. Smartest thing I ever did. Even if I did still love him. Even if I did want. Even if a lot of things. But, in the end...smartest thing I ever did. Hands down. Hardest. and smartest.
Tell your friend she has friends out there who don't even know her. Who will think of her this week. These days.
Tell her to be strong. And smart. Don't let the tears cloud her. She'll know what to do in her gut.
I sure feel sorry for her, but one thing is certain, she has a wonderful friend in whom to confide.
I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach reading that. What a terrible person he must be. And what a great friend you are.
she is better off without him, i hope one day she is able to understand this. she's very fortunate to have a friend such as yourself, sometimes during hard times like this, it's alot easy to find yourself to busy to be there.
What your blog needs to say this entry is Beat Jeff witha Hickory Stick.
That's disgusting.
You are a true friend. If I come to TO again, I'm taking you out for MASSIVE drinkin'!
Yes, I'm secretly canadian. When I visit, people think I'm local. It's a great country, really!
There are a few men on this earth who (in my opinion) have lost the right to call themselves a man. They are no better than snakes. (Sorry to all snake lovers out there.)
As others have said, your friend is very lucky to have you in her corner.
Good luck.
-Babe
What a rotten thing to happen (the husband AND the pregnancy). I wish her the best in all things. Good thing she has you.
Ouch...so much pain in your friend's life. Unconditional love will help her get through this difficult time.
Oh my god, Jay, my heart broke when I read that story. The affair was bad enough, but when I read that she was pregnant, my heart just bled. And it's not just a story -- it's a real live person's life and her pain, I know, must be indescribable. Being someone who is going through a divorce right now because of a cheating husband, I can tell you that the thing that is getting me through this is having friends who support me. Like the type of friend you obviously are to Jen.
As a divorce guy, all I can say in reassurance is it DOES get better. It might seem like the end of the world now, but it will slowly fade.
I wasn't the cheater, BTW... I was cheated on.
She'll remember the love and that you were there for her. I don't envy the difficult road she now has to face.
You're a good friend, Jay. And that's about the best compliment anyone can ever receive.
OK, I read the last paragraph, but I have to say this. It has nothing to do with the dearly departed Jeff (though if you’d like to see him dearly departed, or merely taken to the threshold of departing, send me his address. I know people, even out your side of the country.)
But, for the part you don’t want to read, and your friend doesn’t want to think about, there is another ‘a’ option. Adoption. If she can find the strength—and I am not imagining it would be easy at all—to bring the child to term, then she could enrich some couple’s life immeasurably with a child she doesn’t want.
I know this, because I myself am an adoptee. It’s been a fantastic life for me, and I hope for them. You say she is an incredibly strong person. Talk to her once about this, put the idea before her. She could give a family a chance at a life they may never get otherwise. And she controls whether she ever has any contact with the child again in her life.
I, myself, was adopted through the Children’s Aid Society in Toronto. I’d suggest that as a starting point if she’s going to consider it.
That said, like the rest of your readers, I commend and admire you for your steadfast friendship. No hesitation, just being there for a friend, knowing it’s inadequate to the situation, but being there anyway. That is a friend.
Well Miss jay,
Wow being a grown up is tough... I'm 39 and still haven't got the hang of it. This Blog broke my heart but as we all know things do get better...and you are a good friend to just be there. Keep writing!
Bill
Your friend is so lucky and unlucky at the same time. So unlucky to have married a complete asshat and so lucky to have a fantastic friend. I hope she's feeling better and I share your indignatin at the fact suck jerks exist.
Oh. I don't know what to say right now, Jay. What a horrible hand she's been dealt. I want to KILL that son of a bitch!! What a horrible thing for you, as her friend, to have to go through as well. I've been in a similar situation with my sis and it broke my heart because there was nothing I could do to stop her tear - nothing. I just had to be there with my arms around her to let her get it out.
And I agree with blackcrag - I know she (and you) probably don't want to hear it. I completely understand why she wouldn't want the baby. I don't think I would either. And I understand her not wanting to give up nine more months of her life to bring that rat bastard's child to term. But I implore you (or someone else close to her) to remind her that she had a hand in creating a life, too. And that potential child didn't do anything wrong in this situation, either, and doesn't deserve to have it's life ruined, too. And if she were to give up those nine months and give that child to another someone(s) who can and want to give it a good home, she would turn a shitty, unfair, blow to her life into a wonderful gift for someone else. Perhaps her luck would change......
I know she doesn't want to hear that right now, but please be the bad guy for a few minutes and give her that option.
Let us know how she's doing, ok?
I for one am sitting here wnating to give your friend a hug, tell her that Jeff is indeed an asshole, someone with self esteem so low as to be measured in negative numbers... Also to tell her to listen to her heart, do what she truly feels is right, and know that there's at least one other person who'll support her in whatever she decides.
This sort of sociopathic behavior is somethign right out of hollywood, and frankyl, pretty scary. She's well rid of this guy, and sooner, rather than later.
There is indeed, life, love and happiness after divorce.. I'm living proof of that.
Please wish your friend well for me, give her a big hug and continue to be her 'leaning post'... it'll mean more than you'll ever know.
Jay? Please tell Jen that a stranger in New Brunswick feels very strongly for her. Not pity, nowhere near pity. Angry. I am angry that this sort of thing happened to her. And I am crying a few angry tears here now on her behalf, because I relate.
It's everyone's fear, you know. In our heart of hearts. It happened to her, but it's my worst fear.
Unless of course, she isn't ready to hear anything like that. Your friend. Your discretion.
*hug*
I'm sooo going through this right now with a friend of mine. Only its a money grubbing thick witted bimbo dumping one of those 'decent guys'. I'm so angry I cant sit still.
wow...
really wow.
I'm going through the same thing with a friend right now. She is having the baby of her husband that abandonded her. Its not the child's fault that its father is an asshole. I've been through friends being devestated and running to the clinic afterwards. It may infuriat you, but I can say it only leaves the more broken after it is done. Just a warning.
she is very lucky to have you as a friend. Its like the movies the sun of a bitch. did she have an abortion.
I swear, till the day I die. I will never understand the inability of some people to think of anything but themselves. I will never understand lack of compansion in some people. I'll never understand why some people just have darkness in thier hearts.
I can totally understand why she feels that way. I would never dream of judging someone in her position. I feel so utterly bad for her, and you for your feelings of inadaquacy. It sucks when we know we're not making their lives better or really helping, but trust me, sometimes just knowing there is someone there to lean on is enough.
As for the abortion, well that is such a horrible situation for her. I hope that she finds peace of mind afterwards, and she'll need definately need reassurance that she's doing the right thing. Iam praying for your friend to find her strength, and her self worth, because it sucks major ass when you lose that feeling.
You are an amazing friend. I know personally that its hard to see friends go through this especially abortions, but right now you are doing what a good friend would do and I can tell you that she will always appreciate it. I know my friend does.
The love and support is what she'll cling to most.
What a F'n Bastard!!
I'm not Pro or Anti Abortion. It's situations like this that keep me sitting on the middle (political) fence.
She's absolutely right in not wanting to give birth to a child she'll have to share back and forth with this Jerk. It will bring her endless pain and the child will end up suffering for it.
Kudos to you for being a stand up fantastic friend.
Grrrrrrr...I'm so MAD at this Bastard!!
It is kind of you all to take a moment today to wish her well, and especially brave of those of you who have gone before her down similar paths.
While I can certainly understand where you're coming from, adoption is not an option for everyone. It's not even part of my belief system to raise the issue with her.
Oy Vey, I've got progably a very contreversial opinion on this, so I'm going to keep it brief.
I'm all for pro choice but on a hypocritic level...for rape, incest, teen pregnancy and unfit mothers/dopers/crack whores. But when it comes to just an unwanted baby - oy vey. It's such a crappy position for your friend to be in and I can't even pretend to understand what she's going through or thinking at all...but I can definitely say that I'd have a hard time being the supportive friend on that one.
That is a sad and tragic story that keeps getting more tragic. You hate to place blame in a situation like this, but the blame is all on him. If you don't want to stick with one woman, fine. But you don't marry a woman while fucking another one. That's just 10 kinds of low and despicable.
Tell Jen I will pray for her. Don't know if it will be a comfort or not, but she definately needs someone to support her in this trying time. You're a good friend not to be judgemental when you could easily be so in a situation like this.
I have nothing to add that isn't trite, or hasn't already been said by someone smarter earlier in the thread. I'm really sorry to hear about Jen's situation.
Thank God! When I got to the part of the story which reveals her pregnancy, I thought you were going to say that she committed suicide. What a terrible loss that would have been.
You are an excellent friend and wise beyond your years. Yes, she is reeling from the deception and will need lots of support and you are just the friend to give it. Good for her for finding you.
What an awful decision to have to make. You are such a good friend, Jay. She will remember the people who love her, don't worry about that.
I just... I can't tell you how much this post has effected me. I'm sitting at my desk, ill and blinking rapidly so as not to smear my face.
Your poor friend.
That fucking asshole.
I can only hope that it will come around. I can only hope he's miserable.
I hope that the clinic has counseling services available and that your friend makes use of them. I cannot imagine what a horrible, horrible thought process she's had to go through to reach her decision. It's not a decision that can be made lightly.
Glad you're there to hold her hand.
I read somewhere that true friends are the family that we choose for ourselves. Sounds like you're more a sister than a friend, and I'm sure the love between the two of you will never be forgotten.
You're doing the best thing, just being there no matter what her decision.
You're friend is indeed very lucky to have you. I hope easier times lie ahead for her.
Funqi - I respect your beliefs even if they aren't mine, or Jen's.
I congratulate you, because obviously you have gone through life without any major scrapes. However, this situation is exactly like rape - everything Jen has ever consented to is negated. She had to find out that for 6 years she has loved and trusted the wrong person. And it's not just the sex, she's been violated in every way you can be. I think that's why she is so deflated by what's happened.
It's sad for me to know that so many of you have encountered a similar heartache, but I think that Jen will take comfort in the fact that a life can be rebuilt after such a demoliton.
Thank you all.
You sound like such a good friend. That makes your friend lucky in a way you know?
It's lovely to have friends who "get it."
Jay, I haven't been around in a few days. Sounds like they have been a couple of doozies for you. Hang in there sister. Friends are worth it and she and you will be stronger in the end for it. Hugging you babe. Oh, and Doctor Dolittle is what you get with a crappy health plan. Take care.
TG
you are a good friend indeed. that is terrible- the whole story. but at this point, she needs you to keep her strong. as you said, that is all you can do. i wish the best for her.
My husband also walked out on me. He left me for another woman while I was sick in the hospital. What helped me get through it, move on and thrive was the love and support of my family and friends. One friend in particular comes to mind.
I believe to Jen, you are that one particular friend. She is lucky to have you.
My heart hurts for your friend.
If I could put love and strength in a bottle I would send you a truckload. It's good thing there's already plenty at your place.
Sometimes bad things happen to good people. But it's how you deal with it, that is most important.
It doesnt matter where you stand on the whole abortion issue, what matters is that you're there with your friend when she needs you the most. That's what's most important.
It sucks growing up and becoming an adult, but you'll never get through it, without your friends.
That's horrible about the double life...this is too close to home as my sister's husband has (but I think he still is) has a mistress. It's been an over twenty year affair.
Is it true she found him and her in their bed?! THat's totally scummy.
ONe day she will heal and its great you're there for her. Bake for her!
Well FUCK!
That's the only word that fits this shitty situation.
I do hope someone will raise the other "a" option with her. But I certainly understand no one feeling it's their place to do so. My dh's cousin is still so broken over the ones she had so many, many years ago. At the time, they seemed like the way to go, but I don't think she will ever forgive herself. Which totally sucks.
And that "man" - what a fucking asshole.
On the contrary, I've gone through too many major scrapes in my life. You don't make it to 29 3/4 without a few broken bones. =)
But like I said in my comment, I don't pretend to understand what your friend is going through. But absolutely, it's not about my beliefs or what I would or wouldn't do. It's about what is best for the situation and no matter how much you tell us here, we'll never know all the bits and pieces or how truly devestating the situation is. I am going to go home and hug my fiance now and tell him how wonderful a man he is.
Oh, how awful. That really really sucks. . Why do men do that? And his "mistress"? what is wrong with her? Did she like being second best? With sharing a man? Obviously SHE knew about his WIFE. I agree with you supporting her decision though. That would be a very very tough one.
"Having friends means never having to be alone." You made me misty, Jay.
I missed this but good for you, Jay
Wow, I missed this too. I can't add any more than what's already been said so I'll just say that I stopped by. It does boggle the mind as to WHY Jeff went along with marriage, though.
wow
I hope she is fine and whatever she chooses it right 
All I can say is...if she wants a baby, then she should have the baby.
Wow -- he is a jackass.
Your poor friend. She is lucky that she has you as friend and that you support whatever choice she makes. That is a sign of friendship.
PS, regardless of her decision and the outcome, you are an amazing friend to be there for her through it all. Whatever she chooses, she will need support and a shoulder to cry on, and she's very blessed to have you. I hope she can see that as at least a little proof of her self-worth - knowing that she's someone that you care enough about to be there for - that she's not a person whom no one could care about.
I simply can't imagine the pain she must be in.
oh my god - i can't even imagine how she must feel, how fooled. pricks like him should be put down. she is lucky to have such a supportive friend like you. god i want to punch someone right now!!
Much love Jay, she's lucky to have you and J as a part of her support system.
I actually went through something similar... my ex cheated on me and he's actually living with her. luckily we never walked down the aisle or had a baby together coz I don't think I'm that strong to handle all that, the way Jen is.
But u know what I remembered most about going through those hard times was the people that were there for me. So I'm pretty sure she'll always remember and be grateful to you. You're a damn good friend, Jamie.
Jay,
I want to commend you in the strongest way possible for supporting your friend through this incredibly, horribly difficult time, particularly for how you are respecting your friend’s decision to terminate her pregnancy. I’m sure that Jen is fully aware of all her options and knows in her heart what she can live with. I know that if I were in this situation, the last thing – the absolutely fucking last thing - I would want would be for my friend (to whom I had turned for love and support) to question a decision I had already agonized over. That would just be the last straw.
You are an amazing friend, Jay.
C.
P.S. I'm with Jorge that this post should be renamed to "Beat Jeff with a Hickory Stick" . That guy is messed up.
I totally respect her right to chose, but....
Please tell your friend to consider adoption. I am in the process of trying to adopt right now, and there are lots of families out there that woudl be happy to love and care for her child.
I really hope she gets over this trauma.That wounds may be come scars.They eventually fade.
Cynthia - yes, agonized is the right word. I know because my long distance bill this month was $220 higher than normal because of all this agonizing, and I know I was just one of many sounding boards for her.
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