Talk to the Goat
Nice blog and nice post. Sign me up. I come equipped with clumsy.
Pew bows? I'm almost losing it here...lol...they are almost as lovely as ass bows on those tafetta bridesmaid dresses that shimmer in the right putrid light.
Oh, you'd be so much fun to get pimped by...I doubt I could hold my own with you on the drinking front...but I'd try my damndest.
I would SO be there if I lived closer.
The free booze, dry-as-a-bone fondant covered cake, the bad dj... what's not to love?
I'd say that I'd be all over it, but if the eleeventy billion weddings of my friends from highschool and college that I was NOT invited to this summer is any indication, I apparently have no business attending weddings... Either that, or my friends are just extremely concerned for my well being and don't want me to burst into flames upon entering a church, which is undoubtedly what would happen.
Sigh... can the wedding be moved to NC in 9 weeks time? Then I'd kill two birds with one stone... Me as the bridesmaid (hate that word... love the dress!) and then as the date...
Too much fun...
I'm a professional Best Man (it would seem).
I can take boatloads of licquor, but draw the line at false eyelashes and stillettos...they always make me fall over.
Sounds like fun!
Do we get to go up to the elderly relatives and pretend we're their grandchildren, too?
Sure, I'll go. I love weddings.
I am definitely your man... it's just that... well... I'm wearing my favorite polo shirt as I write this... and do you think we could go barefoot? I'll paint my toenails for you special! 
I only know JOhnny Cash out of that list but I will bob away!
I haven;t been to any weddings this summer, We were invited to one when we were away last week so we didn;t attend. the girl married already 5 other times!!!! the guy once before. YEAH LIKE THAT MARRIAGE IS GOING TO LAST!
I wish I could go with you. I COULD USE A NIGHT OF DRUNKEN CRAZINESS ANd doing the funky chicken!
I can meet you. We're moving, and i'm sure a stop to crash a wedding will be a welcome reprieve from a cross country drive with a cat.
I was all packed and prepared to go and then I saw the snap thing...guess my all-snap footie tuxedo won't cut the mustard? Damn!
I'll go. I've been a rent-a-date at many a wedding and have more fun that at the ones where I know people. Also, I don't own any snaps.
Sorry, Jay, I come out in a rash at most weddings and the only thing to get rid of it usually the stool at the bar with a brief interlude for food and to humour the best-man's speech.
Pick a girl, you can enjoy listening to the drunken whispers of the other guests as you openly hold your friend's hand and rub her leg 
I will do EVERYTHING you asked. Even pretend to know those bands/musicians you listed. I can fake that really well.
It will be a disappointment that I don't know the words to the songs (if there are any), but you'll forget all about it when you see me on the dance floor.
I'm with you. I can drink you under the table..I will NOT wear stillettos falsh eyelashes or leather. I will make a complete ass out of you and me and be a ball.
You said this was in St Louis right?
Dandy Warhols- check!
Johnny Cash- Check!
Who?
Who?
Who?
But I am well rehearsed in eye rolling so maybe you should pick me. I'll even cut my toenails real short!
I hear OJ Simpson is available but take my advice. Don't go with him.
Wow am I tempted.
You hit the nail on the head. Sometimes, I think what the hell are these people are thinking?
Corona
I'd volunteer but unfortunately I have no control over the fact that I am prone to dance to the music of former mouseketeers when I'm under the influence of alchohol. I draw the line at the macarena, however.
Oh, I am IN, girlfriend.
That sounds like a boat load of fun!!
Whoohooo....can I say that?
I was already laughing before, but at the point where I read about the hairy aunts stealing the flowers, I lost it bigtime. That scene is one already etched in my mind from a lot of the events (and weddings) I have done oever the years. Too funny! It is a good thing I didn't have a mouthcul of coffee right then, or my keyboard would be toast!
I would be willing to sign up but will never even come close to keeping up with you drinking. However, as the "designated sober guy" I could take pictures of every potentially embarrasing thing you do to blackmail, I mean entertain you with later. Being married, you wouldn't have to worry about my hitting on you, I behave nicely with other women.
And they tell me I clean up pretty good.
*giggling* Jay, you no doubt conjured up more weddings in all your readers heads than you could guess. As much as I love you, I can't volunteer. Too many weddings I've seen in my 42 years! (3 of which were my own) And, I have my son's wedding coming up in March. And I'm expected to attend that one too.
Let us know how your wedding and reception go. Every now and then, the bride actually serves good food at her reception.
3T
I was all in for it right up until that "obey" part. I know first aid, but if we're both choking, it's not really going to help much.
I've named my biceps: "A-Bomb" and "The Weaker One". In my defence though, I've named all my body parts. I still roll my eyes whenever I refer to them, because "Telescope" and "Sauron" think it's stupid.
Well, count me in; provided that I'm allowed to sit sullenly in a corner; drink far too much and then flirt with the bridesmaid in front of you.
Well, if this happens to fall on the weekend of Aug 18, I will be travelling eastward as well. Like, can provide transport.
And maybe even two dates! As in, Rich and I...
Sorry, this is my first wedding-free year since I was about ten, I ain't about to spoil it. Beside, I've been told that I can neither be dressed up nor taken anywhere.
I have 6 weddings left this year (1 down, one "not coming" reply so there were originally 
, so I'm all wedding-ed out.
I say you bring a girl for the "shock older relatives" value (help them broaden their horizons) AND you have a contest about who can wear the ugliest bridesmaid-type dress to the wedding. Winner buys drinks all night.
Hell, if there's an open bar we'll all come.
I went to my sister's 4th wedding last fall. Because as they say, the 4th time is the charm. She had some holistic crystal wearing shaman (but she was a woman) do the ceremony. At a designated moment I had to hand the shaman a lit piece of sage and some dead bird's wing.
I wish I was kidding.
you have far too many takers. a cheesy reality tv style contest is in order. you know, have them submit pictures. or project runway style videos of why they're your man/woman/ready to be pimped.
excellent post! at the thought of having to submit a video, i respectfully decline, but secretly wish you'd mentioned the fucking best man's toast and it's ha-ha-i-hate-your-new-wife as the subtext.
Snap phobia...what is that called exactly? Any gal who has the Dandy Warhols and Johnny Cash in the same catagory has my attention. I'll be the one at the train station in the halter top and the red carnation in my teeth.
Those little- flower-girls-munchkin-wenches are kinda scary...
i'm not too fond of weddings- except for the liquor and the cake of course.
Eh, weddings never really work out for me.Deathly allergic you see. Receptions on the other hand ... make me an offer i can't refuse. Oh shit ... I don't drink anymore ... sorry babe. Maybe next time.
Okay, but only if I can wear a muumuu and smuggle in gin.
Sounds like a blast. Count me in!
I love you now, because you like Buckcherry, however i cant be your date 
That's pretty funny.
By the way, I would love to attend a wedding where the GROOM promises to obey.
Oooh...I so cannot wait to see who the lucky guy/gal will be! And I'm so glad to read that your an equal-opportunity whore...why stifle your options to fun, you know? One last note...I think you should also add to the list of fashion dont's...spats.
Good luck Jay
Ill be prayin you don't get any wierdos....
Damn, if not for living several thousands of miles away I would have had this gig.
6'4", svelte figure, blue eyes, tight ass, and I am the bomb in a tux. I can cut a rug like a mutha fucka. I am witty and sarcastic, but never rude (unless absolutley necessary). And i have a voice like chocolate milk.
And you know I am a poet (or at least write poetry).
Bon chance.
If only I were in Canada I would totally submit an application!
Thank god someone else understands the horror of camouflage as "fashion."
Say no more. Free drinks? I'm there. Now, I know I could hold up if we're drinking beer, but the wine I'm a little worried about. I'll do my best.
my oildest daughter was a "prom date" for many male friends and she loves weddings, you would have a great time with her, but has to work every weekend, too bad. if i can think of anyone else that can make it, i'll let you know!
Free Drinks?
What time shall I pick you up my dear?
sharp dresser-check
damn good looking-check
married to a ex Marine-check
(see I am a somewhat safe date)
keep up with you drinking-check
Please note I take VISA/Masater Card
as always, all my best:
JQP
You see? If I'd have known this, I wouldn't have hopped the mountains to viist Paradise last week.
No, wait, yes I would have. You're just sol in that regard, honey.
Despite being a mighty drinker, a suave and dapper Brit equipped with withering sarcasm, a registered first aider, and hell on wheels when allowed anywhere in the vicinity of a dancefloorm I am sadly unavaliable this summer, having decided instead to lead an armed insurrection against the federal government.
Also, my mum said no.
I'll trade you one wedding somewhere in Canada for a wedding in Germany. My boy opted out ("I have to pay for your ticket so I am going to stay here and work while you go and get drunk in another country." And these were his exact words.).
At my wedding, there are no stilletos because of a stupid rule about the stupid ancient castle having stupid antique floors. Also, no wedding cake. And there are pretzles. WTF?
It's a good thing I like the couple, and I'm not paying for my ticket, otherwise I would be really angry.
I really hate weddings too but you make it sound like such fun. Sorry I won't make this one but we do expect a full report.
I'm usually the backup's backup's backup.
J
did I win yet?
Can I roll my eyes at the 4 year old girl dancing with the 70 year old man to 'Bop' by Dan Seals during the reception?
LMAO - i roll my eyes at my man all the time - he would never have been allowed to watch 'anchorman' had I know the effect it would have on him..
*sigh*
If he kisses the 'big guns' once more..
Sorry Jay, much as I'd love to go on a trip with you, almost any trip, I don't do weddings. Not mine, nor anyone elses. What say we just go to Vegas instead? I hear that they don't tell on you.........
Sounds like you would have been my kind of gal back in the day - only if you knew about Pavlov's dog and who the lead singer for Lynryd Skynryd was!
Like your post.
It's all so tempting........ but I don't think you'd like me as your date. I don't drink and I don't own a polka dot... thingy.
I truly think you should take Vince though.
Ok, Jay. I'm in. I think I qualify. I have lots of vacation time to burn. Let me know. It'll be fun!
You'd have loved my wedding: no pictures, lots of decent food, no dancing for that matter (we had a boom box for heaven's sake). Then again, maybe not: we didn't have any booze, either. My kid's mama don't dance and their daddy don't rock and roll.
Hmmm, I'm not a dancer period and I missed the day fashion sense was taught, so I guess I'm out, but I am intrigued to see who you "hire"!
sorry, I don't like the Dandys enough to qualify....
Entertaining and creative as always. Smiling broadly. Gawd, I've missed reading here regularly. Have to fix that!
I'm sure you've found your wedding 'dream date' Jay.... but if ya get hard up... and RL will cut me loose for the day, I'd go with ya.
I have to warn you though I can't drink nearly as much if yu want me to wear stillettos... for one reason or another... my balance is off.
False eyelashes do not effect my ability to hold my licquour... however, you shouldn't let me drive if you want me to wear those!
Nice post... sorry I haven't been around more often!
Christ I miss reading your stuff Jay,
I need to spend more time online.
Fae
I think I missed it ! Damn. I check marked all the boxes too.
Mind you, even if I'd have got a flight I would have still been tight for time.
I'm really into your blog. And no, Im not some anonymous bot trying to scathe your comments section.
Perhaps you should consider a review? Im sure a lot of people would love to read more of this!
xxx ooo
Angel Dust.
ps. nevermind what they say about green... I like green. A lot.
I'd go, but I'm already crashing another Wedding here in the States. Next time...and I'll even bring my very own laser pointed to ruin the slide show.
You're funny
Maybe I'd sign up if it's a 'clothing optional' thing. Weddings can be pretty lame and that would sure liven things up.
I would be the obvious choice but i am alergic to ontario.
However
if you find youself in need of this service in Alabama please feel free to call.
I promise not to dance the running man or do the cabage patch.
hey, you still looking for a date?
northing ever good comes out of a wedding except the bride and groom...wouldn't you love to tell them to save their money and elope?
linked you ...hope you don't mind
I completely fit the bill but you could never afford me--(I always wanted to say that to someone...anyone).
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