Talk to the Goat
OMG... that's some kind of problem... one I have no advice about... I feel like I should be asking you for tips!!!
I'm with you on the irritation of the "but you're not wearing a ring" comments. When I was married I often took off the rings for sports or physical work, and comments like that made me want to retort that a symbol is just a symbol.
If I do get married again, I'd hope that my husband would be comfortable with me occasionally going 'ringless' because he would be secure in knowing that the promise is made with my soul, not with my jewelry.
I actually do have this same problem. I was accidentally dating guys when I had a serious boyfriend and didn't realize it. Now that I'm single, I'm always very wary of guys who hit on me. But then I just go on accidental dates with my guy friends now. That's just a whole nother issue I don't even want to touch.
I'm too old and too fat to get hit on much, unless you count getting leered at in Walmart by drunk Mexicans. Then again I have no problem whatsoever in telling a pesky person of that nature to fuck off.
I'd like to help you but I don't tend to have that problem. I end up in conversations but they aren't with guys who want to date me. They are with wacko's and freaks who seek me out like a freakin heat seekin' missle! I don't know how they find me. I must have that "I'm too nice to turn you away look". I get too much information too often!
Unfortunately, you have to do the thing where you bring up the 'so my husband and I were doing/saying/whatever' somewhere early in conversation.
I had this problem when I was married. Some guys will still persist, despite flashing the ring, bringing in the 'husband' stories. But some, a few, will be cool and then just be your friend.
This kind-of thing will happen forever..well, for a long time. My mom just turned 57 yesterday, and she still sometimes has this problem with men!
A classic: When my mom was young (i.e. before me and my brother) she was out at a club with my dad. He went to the bathroom and a guy approached my mom and asked her to dance. She blushed, and politely declined adding she was married. The guy replied 'I didn't ask if you were married, I asked if you wanted to dance'
i've been married for 27 years so it's been awhile since i've been on a date. i actually don't understand why it's even necessary to give a guy a reason for not going out with him. why do guys feel you're obligated to explain it to them? a stranger hits on you and then demands a reason?
Just say "no."
Well, I LOVE your optional, less nice comebacks. 
You could say, "you know I haven't really been feeling that great lately" and pretend to throw up. From the sounds of some of them, you might not even have to pretend.
You could get a tattoo on your forehead (or, heck, just write it on in Sharpie - much cheaper) that says "PISS OFF!"
What happens if you ignore them completely? Pretend you're deaf? Or you could babble incoherently in a "foreign language."
These are things I'd never be ballsy enough to try, but I bet you are. :D
Funny post, Jay - your "I think you should aim a little lower" line was funny!
i wish i had that problem!
Yeah, I don't really have this problem either. This post was funny as hell, though. I wish I could try to pick you up, so you could reject me in an amusing way!
One advantage to being fat, I don't have to deal with this as often as pretty Miss Jay does... HAHAHAHA
Perhaps, my secret plan to avoid the street merchants, putting that nicely, when I walk around Philadelphia. The Ipod can be your friend, even if its not on, as long as the ear buds are in.
PS, I still call it a laptop
I believe in love, and I believe in fidelity and loyalty but that has never stopped me from spending time with a friend. When I was younger, if it looked like that was going somewhere sexual, and if I were interested, I had a set of rules that were non-negotiable, and if that didn' t appeal to the other person, no harm done. I am a woman whose value system got kickstarted by the congruence of the Flower People and my reading of Stranger in a Strange Land. But it worked for me and it worked for Dave and that's what mattered.
Wow - I don't really have that problem. Sorry! It would be terribly annoying, but it just doesn't happen to me.
Oh, and my new blog address is www.pupsie.com
Look, I can help you out with stuff like labor & delivery, ways to mind fuck your teenage children when they come home drunk, instructions regarding the perfect martini, or examples of animal husbandry gone wrong... THIS - you're gonna have to be on your own with.
brilliant post Jay
You seem to be a magnet for these lost souls. Telling them no should be enough. If you feel like you have to have some support, an iPod is perfect at the gym. You could even just get a broken one and pretend to be absorbed. But if you're going to all that trouble, I guess a ring would be easier. In which case, all you have is "No," or "Fuck off." I have always had lots of female friends since I was a teacher for so long. But I've learned that I just have better friendships with women. So I'm careful to let my wife know what's going on all the time and she keeps an eye on them to watch their intentions. Twenty three years later, I'm still happily married and haven't crossed the line. But you have to understand that at some point it crosses every guy's mind. Our brains being attached to our dicks and all.
I have a music player (not an ipod, mind you, may apple forever be cursed), but usually men either tap me on the shoulder until I remove the headphones, or they make the insane "take off your headphones" gesture, and once,someone even took them out for me.
And I do have rings but never wear them. I prefer the oversized, gawdy costume variety. The diamonds? Not so much.
(Not that wearing a ring ever discouraged anyone. Totally not so, unfortunately)
Awww poor you! Being so desireable and all that 
I always think to myself, "You are SO out of your league, buddy," which makes me at least smile when I say "no thanks."
MEOW!
i had this problem really bad when i lived in l.a. and worked in the mall where you are a virtual captive to creeps, weirdos, and stalkers. north carolina's been MUCH friendlier and way easier. or maybe i look like a washed up old mom now. **shrug** who knows?
Dating, accidental or not, scares and confuses the hell out of me!
if i were you i would purchase some spray on skin rash. that should deter them.
and when you meet them tell them you are waiting on a friend to take you to the free clinic.
The fear of disease is the only true deterant to the hormonal male.
The thing that works best for me is to tell them that I am just out of a relationship and I'm just not ready to date yet. And I too believe that men and woman can be friends and you don't have to put out. If they misunderstand and ask me to put out, I just laugh and say "you know we are not friends with benifits" it confuses them and they become embarressed for a few minutes, then it's back to normal.
I had to cruise through the site to figure out who the hell Jason is! I love that name, cause my lover's name is Jason. So I'm with ya on that one! Waiting on the bench for such a one is a great thing! Too bad it was ruined for you. It's true, no matter how good we are at saying no, some dumbfuck comes along and doesn't seem to get the picture.
I'll tell you what initially bothered me about that specific encounter with the SGG. "Do you eat steak?" (I loved your response to that, btw ~ "You're asking me if I eat steak?") Honestly, what the hell? A man thinks by asking if you eat steak is a way to lead in to asking you out? Why can't people just say what they mean??? This bothers me on every level. We all do it. Think about it. If you need a favor, you call someone up and say, "Are you busy tonight?" Why not just say, "Hey, I need a favor ~ can you do this or this or this?" but we are afraid of the rejection so we ask if they are busy and if they say yes then we think that we've asked them the question without really asking and avoided the terrible NO answer.
But I do love the stories. I'm afraid that when he said, "I don't see a ring," I might have been tempted to say, "M'kay, you can get the fuck out of here now." I'm not really into sparing the feelings of someone who has remained clueless for that length of time.
Love the site! Thanks for stopping by and commenting at mine!
I am about to dash off for the airport so I will have to read more of this later.
Thanks for visiting, and I for sure will be back. Damn, you're getting more accidential dates than I can get purposeful dates.
Three lines made me laugh aloud:
1. I'll be forced to admit my incredible desire to blow you
2. appeared to suffer from some sort of Slow Motion Syndrome, and
3. If you and I were dating, I would have totally put out by now.
Totally cracked me up. I'll be back to read more later.
I think I suffer from the opposite affliction where I have been friends with girls who wanted me to ask them out & I never did. So many regrets in that department. I am working on it.
Have a great day.
I don't actually go on dates... like ever... I suppose a date is like most other things when it comes to relationships and feelings and such - whoever you're with will define it differently from you, which only makes you both confused.
I almost feel sorry for that Anthony guy though - 'dating' for a month and not having had sex? What's the point in that?
That is a silly problem. But, it is nice to know that you aren't the type of girl who shuns boys because they are married or currently attached. Those girls are just annoying. I don't know how to solve your problem. Maybe it's not a problem. Does Jason get upset? If not, it's the guy's problem for thinking it's more than it is.
I find it hard to believe that you never once mentioned your husband/partner in casual conversation with one of these dudes...if you didn't, that might be contributing to the problem...
If there's one way to get rid of unwanted male attention, it's to insult him. I think you've got the market corned with "I think you should aim lower".
But seriously -- are women really hit on this constantly?
I feel totally left out.
I'm kind of hopelessly out of touch on dating as I havn't actually "dated" someone for nearly 20 years. However, I do believe that men and women can be friends. Guys will still secretly like to sleep with their female friends (Lord knows I have MANY female friends that are incredibly attractive), but a true friend knows when to stop asking.
I must admit, I do tend to notice if a gal is wearing a wedding band or not, but if you're in a gym and you say you're married, not wearing a ring is a reasonable expectation as some people don't like to wear jewelry when the work out. Even if you don't wear one all the time, if she says she's married, back off.
I recommend the highly sarcastic put down when the guy doesn't get the hint the first time. For example, "I'm sorry, my girlfriend is a very possesive body builder. I'd hate for you to end up like the last guy that asked me out." Worst case, just totally babble them and walk away.
My wife has been hit repeatedly as of late. By our neighborhood homeless guy:
"Excuse me, pretty lady.... are you Persian per chance?"
No.
"Maybe... Jewish?"
No.
"Italian?"
Well...
"Whatever you is, you'll be in my dreams tonight, cause you look FINE."
Mysterious Lady Jay -- I'd like to link to you.
Not in a sex sort of way, you understand.
Blunt trauma. Works fairly well, repeat as needed.
Or, if you're one that's not into that but gesture a lot when you talk, when you go to stab your finger towards them "accidentally" poke your index into that hollow at the base of the throat. Conversations rarely go anywhere after that.
But possibly you should ignore this in favour of the Oprahriffic advice that came before me.
As a student, I had to figure out if meeting another student for lunch or coffee was a date or not. I just fixed that by talking about my husband for at least a few minutes. That usually (although not always) cleared that up.
The line that has always worked for me, "I'm sorry but I'm celibate." They usually turn around and walk off without saying anything else.
Save those memories because one day men won't look at you the same way!
Part of the problem is men only have enough blood flow to control one head at a time and the little one wins out most often.........
ugh - "I don't see a ring"? Ok, I have to say, even if someone was lying about being married, if they said it, they don't want to go out with you. pointing out a lack of rings won't do much for the cause.
I have no helpful suggestions for you. Other than to be the girl who occasionally tosses in "my husband..." comments. (sometimes necessary)
I know. Poor Anthony. Never mind the sex, he never even attempted a kiss. There was nothing that gave me any clues.I guess I didn't realize how naive he was.
No, Jason and I both have other friends, so of course he doesn't get upset. I think he secretly likes to see me suffer. He finds most of it incredibly funny.
And I do talk about him, probably more than I should. But we try really hard to have separate interests and be our own people, not just a blob-couple. But when I refer to him, I don't usually call him my "husband." I hate that word. He has a name, it's Jason, that's usually what I call him.
The celibate line may be a real stroke of genius. I must try that next time! Of course, the blunt trauma may also be appropriate every now and then.
Oh no! I wrote a long ass comment and your blog ATE it.
I completely know what you're talking about. I "accidentally" dated two guys before I met Hoop. I thought they were friends. I called them my "friends." Evidentally they they added a "boy" in front of that sentiment. What happened to having guy BUDS?
I know. I always have guy friends...although eventually they'll call me and be like "Can Jason come out to play?"
Okay, so granted my opinion of PS2 is pretty low.
But still.
Sorry my blog was hungry. I probably should feed it moreoften or something.
I read this whole post with an Iced Capp craving... damn you.
hmmm. You must give off single vibes or something. Or when you look at people, and chat, they must feel like you really care about them. The cure for that is to look past their right shoulder as they speak to you as if there is something more interesting going on behind them. Or stare into space and then turn and say huh? I have no friends of either sex so I would say doing these things works.
Good stuff. Either I'm jealous because I'm not hit-on, or I'm not doing my part by hitting on others.
G.
When I USED to get hit on, I'd let 'em down with a sweet smile and a "Sorry!" as I walked away.
But um...... good taste in wine huh? Damn.
There are a lot of sad men hanging out in gyms trying to pick up any and all available women. The odd thing is that many of them think they are hunks when chunks is probably more accurate.
that's the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. .
uh..disregard. the comment wasn't meant to be posted on this blog
I think it's totally possible for guys and girls to be friends.
But it has to be stipulated soon into the friendship.
Hope you figure it out.
I had an episode of accidental adultry one time. I tripped coming out of this bar and ended up banging this chick ... but really it was an accident! Promise! h ... that wasn't the kind you were talking about? Nevermind.
TG
Oh all of you foolish dreamers... "boys and girls can be friends"... ahahaaaaaa... that, right THERE, is your problem, because unless one of them is gay, that's just not true.
Sorry to be the crusher of idealistic fantasies of a perfect world. But if you have a guy "friend", he thinks he will someday get to sleep with you. Guarantee it.
C'mon men, tell the TRUTH.
Accidental dating is news to me. I'll have to read up on the subject because it might become an epidemic if we're not careful.
Accidental infedelity...wow. I thought only guys used that as an excuse!
I had a lesbian friend once. I thought it'd be pretty clear cut my friendship was pure. Then her partner got jealous and that was that.
Is this what happened with the high school student? (I'm still stuck on that post. What the heck was that?)
And thanks for your sweet words about my boy and me...
First and foremost, we need to clarify a little something for your many readers. The Anthony that you "accidentally" dated was not me.
WAS NOT ME.
Or was it?
'Cause, if it was, that would have been one hell of an accident! I don't remember anything like that at all, and while I can be completely oblivious of a great many things, I think I would have remembered something like THAT!
I also don't have a dog.
That I know of...
Anyway, it sounds like excitement finds you anywhere you sit, stand, walk, run, read, write, eat, drink, juggle, play charades, or simply exist. Any guy would be lucky to date you just for the adrenaline factor. Not that I'm hitting on you...
Again, the Anthony mentioned in Jay's post was not and is not me. I'm sure of it.
By the way, Jay, I happen to have a nice bottle of 1998 Chateau Margeaux in the cellar if you'de like to have dinner sometime...
well, I can relate to this in a big way. I can only assume that Jason doesn't blame you for 'bringing on the attention', because anything else just sucks. I have been told that I am 'too nice' and 'exude sexuality' which is a apparently the combination to invite such attention. Honestly, I have always kept one last move in my pocket for the utimate turnoff if called for.....just pick your nose. Haven't been able to bring myself to actually use it, but you can let me know if it works.
Gah! I was hoping the accidental dates would stop once you got married!
I'm single but get this all the time with guys that um...should really aim a little lower. Then I wonder if I'm having moments of "lost time" that explains how this guy could possibly think we are dating! Unfortunately my only recourse if being a big bitch...not that that's a *bad* thing.
I think that "If you and I were dating, I would have totally put out by now." has got to be the best rejection line I've heard. Awesome!
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