Talk to the Goat
Estrangement is also an ugly word, too detached to be used when describing emotions.
I'm sorry she feels this way.
Powerful post and exactly the way I would have written it.
Beaten to the punch again.
i was estranged from my mother for about five years and looking back, i can't even remember why anymore. i can't offer you any words of wisdom or hope, because i really don't understand why something like this happens. my heart does feel your pain though, your words today will touch everyone who reads them.
Life really sucks sometimes, and often times there's nothing you can do about it. That powerlessness is like your own personal hell here on earth.
Family can hurt us the worst, because of the fairy tales about them that we buy into. Families aren't all they're cracked up to be.
Take solace in your friends. After all, they chose to be in your life.
p.s.,
Thanks for your comments
I know this is not compensation, but lots (LOTS) of other people do love you. And of course, we envy your thought processes and your way with words. Your mother's loss, my dear, but it breaks my heart nonetheless.
Ouch.
No words or no wisdom from here I'm afraid. My Dad and I were estranged for a long time but that was because he was an idiot... Not from an absence of love on either side.
Wish we could help make it hurt less for you.
we have lived with the estrangement from t's family every day of our lives together (oh, 14 or so years) and i can honestly tell you that i feel your pain as well as jason's pain in having to SEE your pain.
we've settled ourselves on the fact that our lives are enriched by not having that form of evil even touch the periphery of our lives, but it somehow doesn't take away that sadness.
i'm so sorry, jay! hold on tightly to your husband for support.
I was so sorry to read this, Jay. my heart goes out to you. it's a lonely enough world with the people we DO have, not to have the ones we should.
Oh Jay that must hurt like a bitch, and I wish we could help.
I can't imagine how that feels, but I know that my son feels some of your pain. He is "estranged" from his father. And while I know this is for the best, I am sure it hurts him and he think that he isn't loved. A parent/child relationship is suppose to be unconditional, I can't imagine ever giving up on a child. I still love my step-child, well ex-stepchild, and I haven't seen her in five years. Well, I think you are pretty wonderful from what I have read and I think Jason is very lucky to have your love. And he loves you for who you are, not what he thinks you should be!
The thousands of people who do love you can't be all wrong. One person is.
My father has been estranged from his only brother for about 14 years now. They were born 9 months apart, and were extremely close growing up. I know it hurts my dad more than he lets on.
Last summer my uncle arrived at my parents door. He was driving a black Jaguar, announced that my father had ruined his life, and drove away.
I guess it was supposed to pack some kinda emotional punch. All I could do was laugh.
I have no words Jay. Everything sounds so hollow. I'm sorry.
Something I've learned is that it's not necessarily people you're related to that are your true family. I wish you peace. And remember that just because she isn't capable of unconditional love doesn't mean you aren't.
WOW!!
I'm sorry!
Hey, my mom doesn't love me either! Let's be friends!
Er, I mean... that's awful. I'm so sorry.
(Later, when it hurts less -- it does eventually hurt less -- we can talk about the benefits of estrangement. Like getting to do whatever you want on the holidays. And not having to take care of her in her old age.)
Her loss, you think for "family sake" she would at least fake it. Easier to live a lie, wouldn't you think? She chose being a heartless bitch....hmmm
I am 'estranged' from my sister, which is just as well because I don't particularly like her, the only thing we have in common is our DNA.
(Thanks for visiting my blog, I dread to think which search tool you used to find it)
Is it wrong that I feel sad when I come here?
There are often so many opportunities to reunite with people who once meant so much to us. But sadly many of those occassions are ruined by a lack of want for a reconciliation.
Indifference is a hard reality to face, and even harder to live with.
I don't know...I've got an estranged father...
Gotta tell you...
Doesn't bother me much. 
Steve~
Society has falsely taught us that if your mother doesn't love you, nobody else could. I suspect that's why this is so painful, my heart bled for you. But when you wrap your intellectual mind around this problem, you'll see that we don't get to pick our parents, some people should never have been allowed to be parents, and you are loved by so many you needn't worry about this woman who is feeding on her own spite and anger. 600 days plus is long enough to be sad about her loss, Jay, don't let her steal one more day of your joy.
My estranged father doesn't bother me either. He bothered me a helluva lot more when I pretended to have a relationship with him. We haven't talked in 6 years or so, and it's been quiet bliss.
And for the record: I'm not looking for reconciliation.
I wish I had more words of wisdom than "that sucks" but it's hard and I'm really sorry.
(and I'm also thanking you for the comment as I was about to come here and profess my undying love for you, but crazy enough you found me. So much for lurking)
Phew. Painful.
The knowledge you have to take into yourself is that it's not your failure. It's hers.
Some people are just not Maternal, Paternal. Some people are just...
You, however, will be a wonderful Mom someday. Look how nurturing you are of Jason. 
Take heart. We love you in blogland!
A person could still love someone they are estranged with. It just seems the longer you're apart, the larger the rift becomes.
I'd say regardless of fault or circumstances, it's ALWAYS the parent's responsibility to make the first step.
wow. I'm sorry. I hope that phrase carries my wish to give you a hug and tell you it's not your fault.
Wow, there isn't much I can say that will change your situation or how you feel.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
Just remember, it's HER loss. Her actions and feelings can in no way reflect any fault on your part. What ever made her that way had NOTHING to do with you. I just can't understand people like this. I don't think they should be allowed to have children in the first place.
Oh Moms...can't live with them...wouldn't have life without them.
By the way, I finally got my act together and added you to my blog roll. I doubt this will affect your bandwidth.
G.
I feel for you babe - I am not estranged, only the least favourite which is bad enough. I don't understand this - it seems natural to love your kids - she must be broken somehow. You are an orphan of the heart. But as Krista said - she is the one who is wrong.
Her loss, Jay. Her loss.
That does stink.
I am quite fond of you.
But i know that is no consolation.
That's simply awful to hear. I was estranged from my Dad for a few years. Finally got it back together but it was more my fault than his. This sounds far more different and difficult. And I'm hurting for you.
Your mother does love you. She is just too selfish. My grandmother is like that. It took a long time for her and my mom to re-connect. My mom is the one who went to her, b/c Grandma couldn't go to her. Grandma still needs to be the center of attention, and bring my mom down by saying how great all her other daughters are (which is NOT true). My mom finds letters are best. When writing to her mom, she can say what she needs to without being interupted/demeaned.
I think your mom is hurting from not having you around. I think your mom will always love you. I think, someday, it will be up to you alone to re-connect with her, and it will always be a love/hate relationship for you. But, you are loved by her, and by all of your friends/family.
You're right... such a peculiar and estranged word it is too...
Hey Jay, if all else fails, I can lend you one of my stepmothers, I think I have a nice one going spare who'll love you
The ugliest words can sometimes convey the ugliest feelings too. While a single person cannot necessarily understand the gravity of a word which conveys such a feeling in another person, they also cannot understand how someone else doesn't see their own pain: perhaps something like a mother not seeing the pain she has caused her daughter.
Some say that time heals, but most of us know this is just a simple sentence without any depth to it. Time helps us forget some hurt, or the actuality of that hurt, but never completely removes it. In those quiet moment when one is alone, the hurt returns, or the sorrow and the feeling of loss.
Hopefully, we all learn never to do to others what someone has done to us.
Wow is she ever missing out. (I can tell without ever having met you)
I've been "estranged" (whatever that means) from my two sisters for nearly 16 years and to this day I don't know why. Your tale woke me up. I'm thinking I should reconnect and find out why we haven't spoken in so long. All I have to do is ask. Maybe that's all you have to do, too. I figure once I start the dialogue I'll find out what the problem is and solve it, or go back to the present situation. Either way at least I'll know why. Talking is good. Give it a try.
Wow, girlfriend. Sorry to hear that. Daughters and mothers. It's supposed to be this secret amazing girlfriend pact, but it's mostly not, not from what I've seen.
I'm sorry.
I've been there.
Jay, my heart aches to read this. I do not and never will understand how a woman can be so cold toward a child of hers. I do know this, however. You are better off without her. Find a woman the age of your mother, and cultivate a relationship with her, and then know, in your heart, that the greater loss is your mother's, not yours.
I would comment...but...your post almost really hits close to home. Closer than you might think. I'm at a similar crossroads with my own mother and I really just havent the slightest idea about how to go about it. I mean, do I try to make things better, or do I just accept it and move on? And then if I do accept it...what does that say about me? So yeah, Miss Jay...I wish I could offer you some sage advice, but I cant...all I can do is pray for you and hope that it all works out in the end.
I'm really sorry that happened to you.
I love you.
i have a kid and always thought that kids are the ones who love unconditionally, not parents. kids take for granted that the parent is the perfect parent, because they are only parents they have known.
I hope you'll find a way Jay. Sometimes parents think we are stronger than we really are. x
more like she probably doesn't love herself.
"estrangement" is such a chilling word. it's almost like there is no complete cut-off, just a slow fade away.
e+
Wow. Just wow.
Ok. I think I'm beginning to express my hatred for that word as well.
But don't get so emoshitnal. I'm sure many people care for you.
Your hurt and confusion is so natural it's animal.
I'm not officially estranged from my parents, but I've always felt we were emotional strangers. I can count number of true emotional connects with them both on one hand. I remember being 8 or so and begging my mother for some quality mother-daughter time. Her response? "We just don't have the same interests." The same woman who told me (around the same age) that unlike me, my brother was "fun".
Yep, parental relationships can be a millstone about the neck. Yet my cousins think my mom is great ... all I can assume is that she and I will probably never understand each other. I've really tried to focus on my "family by choice" in the last few years and it's really helped.
Whatever made your mother turn away from you...it had to have something to do with her weakness or belief that she was trying to save herself (at her very own daughter's expense)...what I mean to say is...she's cruel & I HATE when things just aren't fair.
It says much more about your mother than it does you.
I don't know what to say Jay. Words, like you say are so inadeqaute. If it's ny consolation,which I'm sure it isn't, I care for you. Thanks for your kind words today. Chin up hun.
TG
The English language sucks big time. Sounds like I'm not the only one needing free hugs...
Here's to healing! (and martinis?)
Do we share a mom? Or maybe they went to the same school of parenting. Except that my mom has been dead for 7 years as of this Thanksgiving (American, sorry).
And I do have one regret.
That I couldn't tell her what I felt while she was here.
Not that I wanted to have a relationship with her, but for the sake of my self-esteem, I needed to tell her a few things. Like what it felt to be left behind for the new husband who would only beat her (and us) as they all did (well, except for my dad). She was married 4 times, died at 47 due to a freak 'accident'.
I guess my point is, don't let it go to long.
If there is something you need to say to her, say it now. Whatever it may be.
Wow. Although the topic is a rough one, I have to say that this is one of my favourite things you've written on here so far.
It is equally difficult to express my sadness over reading this. I'm so sorry.
You know, some people do not know how to or are unable to love. I don't know if it's learned or if they are born that away. Either way it is still painful to be a part of.
I can't say that I know how you feel, because I don't. However I have a best friend who has dealt with this issue all of her life.
I will include you in my prayers.
I know this probably doesn't help...
and I'm only like, 2 years older than you or something...
But I'll be your mother if you want.
Not having room in your heart is a total bullshit answer.
That totally sucks. The English language indeed does not have a word to describe the depths of depravity a person must have to tell their child they don't love them.
This post ate my heart.
Though I always thought that having a mother who was totally vapid and clueless about WHAT IS unconditional love, and having a mother lack unconditional love, yet SAY "I love you" despite not really knowing how to love me... I thought that was horrible enough. Until I read this post.
Live your life.
Love your life.
In spite of what your "incubator" thinks of you.
Jay, this was a hard post to read ~ but necessary. I am truly sorry you are having to experience this. My mother was also very cold and distant. We were estranged for a very long time. She wanted things from me that I could not offer. We're not buddies now ~ ut I recognize that she is getting older. So am I. Someone had to take the high road. If she actually said to you that she doesn't love you and doesn't want a relationship, send her off with a blessing. There's nothing more you can do. For your own peace of mind though, try to let go of the resentment. She's not capable of giving you anything because she has no internal resources to do so.
Best to you ~ and as everyone here has said, take comfort in your family of choice.
Peace,
Thailand Gal
~*~*~*
I was at this blog earlier... good stuff.
http://www.themotherless.com/
inflammable=flammable
but that's the the English language for you. sorry to hear regd your relationship with your mum. When I was in form 2, I think I didnt speak to mum for like 2 years. Well, it was 1 syllable answers, when needed. I was just so pissed at her for giving my cat away.
We've never recovered from that.
Part of the reason why a relationship is not longer feasible is that when I talk, she cannot listen. She doesn't think that I should have any negative feelings, period,and god forbid if I do, I should shove them down deep and never express them. If I don't like something she's done, I'm just "bitter", if I think she's being unfair, I'm just "jealous." I don't think she's ever heard me in my whole life.
Your mother is just a person, and it's impossible to force yourself to get along with someone who you just don't get along with. We "don't like" people every day... it sucks when it becomes someone we're supposed to have this unconditional bond with. Human beings are pretty much the exception to the rule when it comes to leaving the nest... we're supposed to be close with our family forever.
Just think of yourself as a highly evolved super-human.
I'm so sorry.
I can't imagine such a thing. I adore my children. And even though I might poke in fun at my mother in some posts, I adore her and I know she does me.
i can't disagree with you. whether or not she ever loved you, it's her fault, and she's a bitch. and not one of those modern post-feminist ones who are, "beautiful, intelligent, tasty, curvy and horny" - or whateverthefuckitis.
and it's her loss.
put it there.
is it that she doesn't love you
or possibly
that she loves you as best as she can within the weird emotional and social boundries she's set up and in her own mind has to live by and there for appears not to love you as a normal mother because she's a bit insane?... because that is how my mother loves me... often it's not enough, when i need it the most it's distant and when i least expect or want it, it's fierce.
We are relearning the meaning of love as it applies in both our universes
I'm so very sorry.
So heart wrenching. My mother is incapable of real love, but she doesn't even know it.
I hope you've at least come to a place where you know you're lovable. Her problem is hers... and has nothing to do with you.
Doesn't make it any better, I know. 
My brother called me today after 6 years of no noise from him. He needs a favour of course. I think I prefer estrangement.
I never want another human being to feel this way. Ever since learning you shared this abomination, I wished you'd be lucky and things would patch up. How does this voice of over 365,000 days give you hope? I can't. WIsh I could. It's an ache beyond a black hole. Eternal questioning. Needing to accept the unthinkable. The waste of time. Feeling like waste.
It was my personal choice to read this post first upon seeing that word I use and for the same (underlying) reason.
Dang, even already knowing this about you from other reading, didn't stop those blood red tears from trickling down my face.This is what released them
"And it leaves me wondering, if it was so easy for her to stop, did she ever really love me in the first place?" The internal surge began when reading "the desperation of the day you learned that love is just another fairy tale that doesn't apply to you." (as if we're an aberration and damn it , we are not!!!!,/b>.)
You've read my poetry and maybe read prose posts I deleted by now about her/them. These feelings don't enter my art, but in my writing, I free them including rage. (((Jay)))
I still remember when they stopped hugging me (and hugging was like breathing to our family). I was 25. It's been more than 10 yrs. I realize I will never understand.Furiously reading Whe your Mother is Toxic and books of such ilk show you're not alone (before blogs) but nothing assuages the hole.) That doesn't mitigate the hurt.
sheesh, sorry I forgot to unbold above!
Also, meant 3650 obviously.
Either way you say it, that was a very powerful and sad post.
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